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Sunday, December 19, 2004
Every day throughout America - particularly on cable television America - appeals are made to ordinary mainstream Americans. Just last week Bill Donohue of the Catholic League, in an excursion into the heady exotic realm of Scarborough Country, proudly announced his claim to traditional mainstream values shortly after denouncing Hollywood as a den of iniquity controlled by secular Jews who hate Christianity and love anal sex.
Everyone wants to be an Ordinary Mainstream American. But are you? How can you know? Sadly, not everyone is as gifted or as knowledgeable as Reverend Donohue or the Medium Lobster. And thus, in the spirit of the Christmas season - the time of giving, after all - the Medium Lobster gives you the following Test of the Mainstream. Answer the questions, score the points along the side accordingly, add up the total, and punch yourself repeatedly in the face. If you emerge swollen, bloody, yet filled with a strange sense of vindication, congratulations. Homosexuals: 1. Are every bit as American as heterosexuals and fully deserve watered-down versions of our human rights. 2. Are entertaining, neutered, and on the other side of my TV. 3. Are going to Hell for the sin of Ickiness. 4. Are the product of Martian-human intermarriage and possess dangerous telepathic abilities. Birth rates are: 1. Too high; other people should stop having children. 2. Too high; my political opponents should stop having children. 3. Too low; we'll never catch up to the Third World at this rate. 4. Too low; field mice alone have far outstripped us, to say nothing of bacteria. Dinosaurs: 1. Are colorful cartoon characters easily marketed to children. 2. Coexisted with humans, as evidenced by The Flinstones and Land of the Lost. 3. Were planted in the fossil record by a whimsical trickster god. 4. Were destroyed centuries ago by the mighty robots who assembled us, as is sung in the Cycles of Iron. Guns: 1. Are an essential tool for killing things. 2. Are an essential tool for the home which also happens to kill things. 3. Are what Jesus would've given the meek to take back the earth. 4. Are good. The gun kills men. The penis is evil. The penis shoots seed. Sex: 1. Mostly happens on the internet. 2. Is dirty and BAD... but I LIKE it... but that makes me dirty and BAD... but I LIKE it... 3. Is a foul and terrible abomination of all that is holy until a priest/judge/clerk/pirate captain puts a ring on my finger and tells me otherwise. 4. Does not exist. Humans reproduce through budding. Hollywood: 1. Wants me to watch shitty movies. 2. Wants me to oppose the Iraq War because of Martin Sheen; wants me to vote for actors who supported the Iraq War like Arnold Schwarzenegger. 3. Wants me to have gay sex. 4. Wants me to have gay sex with Martin Sheen and Arnold Schwarzenegger. The end of the world: 1. Will be slower and more painful than I can possibly imagine. 2. Will be a vast disappointment. 3. Must be hastened by strict adherence to a collection of ancient inscrutable animal prophecies. 4. Has already happened. Labels: real america
posted by the Medium Lobster at 12:11 PM
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