Tuesday, August 19, 2008

While the Democratic veepstakes is being driven largely by a search for qualities like Strength, Experience, and other ways to say Penishood, Republicans this year will be looking for candidates with a kind of energy or vitality, what the French call a certain having-a-pulseness. Once again we ask: who has what it takes? Who can check if the president's still breathing at a state dinner while maintaining an air of dignity and resolve? Who can project the confidence and authority America expects from its leaders while wiping the dribble off the Commander-in-Chief's chin? This week: the Republicans.

Pros: history of rapid flip-flops will neatly counterbalance McCain's record of stunning policy reversals to achieve perfect pandering equilibrium; ability to suck opponents into the inky void of his soul should prove useful in veep debate; sweats liquid money
Cons: eccentric space-god religion could appear unacceptably bizarre to pious nation of devout two-thousand-year-old Jewish zombie worshipers

Pros: sure to spice up campaign with torpid, hectoring schoolmarm charm; could unite America with moderate, bipartisan blow-up-the-world ticket
Cons: combined stench of death might might overwhelm unsuspecting Club For Growth members

Pros: least likely to die over the next four to eight years; zeal for castration and exorcism meshes nicely with party's innovative 12th century social policy
Cons: will inevitably be kidnapped and rendered to a secret CIA torture camp upon his first attempt to board Air Force One, missing tie-breaking vote on critical appropriations bill

Pros: voters may be unaware that he is actually Republican
Cons: voters may be unaware that he actually exists

Pros: balances out McCain ticket with touch of youth and vigor; winning sense of humor sure to charm media and independents alike; foreign policy expertise ensured by unquenchable thirst for death
Cons: may be just a pre-makeup Joe Biden

Pros: would make an excellent "Cheney figure;" provides for a smooth transition between Cheney administrations; only way to stop him from activating America's secret self-destruct sequence from within his hidden lair in the tip of the Washington Monument
Cons: None. None whatsoever.

Labels: ,

posted by the Medium Lobster at 12:52 PM

The Medium Lobster just won the Internet.
by Anonymous Anonymous, at August 19, 2008 1:43 PM
Unfortunately for America, Cheney has over the last few years discovered embarrasing secrets about everyone, everywhere, and also has had his brain surgically implanted in a cybernetic Cheneybot unit (the Permascowl 100 model). These two things combined mean that Cheney can blackmail any presidential candidate, and that he will forever be the Veep pick, for both political parties. So, all this Veep talk is kind of funny, since it's VP Cheney - forever.
by Anonymous Anonymous, at August 19, 2008 1:56 PM
A worthy follow up to the Dem version

Keep up the bipartisan wit . . .
is it too late to get a Cheney-MechaCheney ticket going?

or have his life support systems reached such a state as the ticket would be more appropriately titled: MechaCheney-Cheney UltraZord?

Pros: moist Jesusy-goodness, throwing him in front of oncoming Obama counter-attacks might help with the refs
Cons: wants everyone to die in apocalypse, but is rooting for a somewhat different team.
by Anonymous Anonymous, at August 20, 2008 5:41 AM
How about Ronald Reagan's ghost?

Pros: It's quite obvious he can project the confidence and authority America expects from its leaders and wipe the dribble off the Commander-in-Chief's chin.
Cons: Well...

-- bi, International Journal of Inactivism
John McCain will choose John McCain as his running mate (the past John McCain whose policy positions are the opposite of the current John McCain), thereby achieving a perfect balance and appeal to voters on all sides of the omnipartisan political spectrum. He will reach across the aisle to touch himself.

Capt. Twelve A.M. Midnight, E.S.T., C.E.
by Anonymous Anonymous, at August 20, 2008 2:46 PM
So, if I've parsed this and Fafnir's post with sufficient acumen, the conclusion is that it will be Republican DICK CHENEY vs. Democrat an old rich guy who likes to bomb brown people.
That's what I love about America, you've always got a choice!
Jack Bauer!

Pros: Will pull our fat out of the terrorist fire every 24 hours.
Cons: May be too busy hookin' up bad guy's nuts to a car battery to attend State of Union....
by Anonymous Mizzoulian, at August 20, 2008 6:15 PM
In the end, all that matters is that the Republican VP is impotent. Because nothing says bombs away like a limp herring.
by Anonymous Anonymous, at August 21, 2008 10:45 AM
excessive anger at a "myth" betrays a belief in it.

by Anonymous Anonymous, at August 21, 2008 1:00 PM
I'm angry an unicorns, because I secretly believe in them.

by Anonymous quibbic, at August 21, 2008 2:31 PM
Mon Dieu! You make my point!

by Anonymous Anonymous, at August 21, 2008 4:28 PM
Pros: Earnest belief in blowing people up. Instrumental in the 2004 GOP victory. Believes homosexuality and liberalism are punishable by death.
Cons: Believe credit cards companies are evil.
ryan wins the thread
by Anonymous Anonymous, at August 22, 2008 5:01 PM
Lon Cheney Jr.

Pros: Can turn into a werewolf that McCain can sic on the liberals.
Cons: In werewolf mode reveals McCain is going a bit thin on top causing McC to drop the C bomb.
VP Nominee

A Bucket of Warm Spit

Pros: Shares commonality with all Humanity and can be dressed nicely in a spittoon

Cons: Is difficult to drag along without spilling some on yourself
by Anonymous Anonymous, at August 23, 2008 6:06 AM
Mr Ed
Pro: Is a talking horse. People will be distracted by the novelty and can have rides when they get bored. President Cheney can say "Whoa big fella" at press conferences.
Cons: Is superficially dead. Disney, of course, could arrange something.
by Anonymous Stripey the Zebra, at August 24, 2008 12:03 AM
Miss Wasilla, Sarah Palin:

Pros: Hotter than Joe Biden.
Cons: If McCain bites it, we've got a MILF president.
by Anonymous Mizzoulian, at August 30, 2008 12:04 AM
Truth so much trippier than fiction.
Sarah Palin:

Pros: Shooting skills will come in handy defending the White House in an apocalypse, or attack by the zombies of Cheney, Nixon, and Reagan.

Cons: Believes fervently in said apocalypse, and will do everything in her power to bring the date forward.
by Anonymous George, at August 31, 2008 12:18 AM


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