Thursday, May 27, 2004
Fafblog Interview Week continues with an interview of Osama bin Laden. We have actually managed to interview him from deep in his secret lair somewhere along the Afghanistan-Pakistan border. Fafblog scoops Russert yet again!
FAFBLOG: So Osama bin Laden, how's evil doin?
OSAMA BIN LADEN: MWAHAHAHAHA! Oh, evil stands ready to triumph over good, little Fafnir!
FB: Oh I do not believe that Osama bin Laden! Good will always triumph over evil.
OBL: Not THIS time! This time I'm hatching my most diabolical scheme ever - my plot to elect JOHN KERRY president!
FB: Oh no!
OBL: Oh yes! I'm going to attack the United States in the next few months, forcing Americans to vote for Democrats! And nothing can stop me! [singing] Whatever O-sama wants... O-sama gets...
FB: But why, Osama bin Laden? Why?
OBL: Because of free trade. Free trade, affirmative action, abortion rights, equal marriage rights for gays, universal health care. Especially universal health care! Allah demands that martyr-blood flow in rivers through the infidel streets of America until the West has universal health care!
FB: I had no idea you were such a policy wonk Osama bin Laden.
OBL: For it is written, "Did not Truman put universal health coverage for all godless Americans in the Democratic Party platform fifty years ago? Let the gates of jihad be opened until every man, woman, and child is fully insured."
FB: Osama bin Laden you are insane! You have to know that universal health care is a crazy pipe dream, just like re-establishing the caliphate.
OBL: But it is not just John Kerry's domestic policies we covet. Allah smiles upon his foreign policies as well. Al Qaeda desires the conflict in Iraq to be internationalized and more troops and a more efficient "police and intelligence operation" approach to be brought to the war on terror. Because once the infidel dogs of the West fight the warriors of Allah with a quicker, lighter, multilateral approach... then, ah, THEN will we truly be able to destroy you!
FB: You will never get people to elect John Kerry, Osama bin Laden!
OBL: Yes we will! First we will launch a new terrorist attack on the US, forcing Americans to vote for Kerry! Then just to be sure we will launch a MoveOn-style blitz of negative anti-Bush ads using money collected from our 527s, while sending Abu Musab al-Zarqawi to plug the Democrats on Meet the Press and Hardball!
FB: Oh no!
OBL: Oh yes! And by the time I speak at the Democratic National Convention in Boston, America's fate will be sealed!
FB: You will never get away with this Osama bin Laden!
OBL: I already have! MWA-HAHAHAHA! MWA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Well I could go on about my daring escape from Osama bin Laden's mountain fortress but that would take all night. And then I couldnt tell you about how tomorrow we have an interview with Jesus! Wow, how do we keep doin this? It is pretty amazin I can tell you that!
posted by fafnir at 9:55 PM