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Tuesday, April 15, 2008
When the Mainstream Media and the Establishment Press and the Corporate Zombie News Octopus ignore the real story, there's only one independent source you can trust - and that source is Giblets! Behold the power of Giblets World News Update!
ITEM! Last week George Bush said for the first time that he personally approved the torture of prisoners held in U.S. custody. And right now there's only one question on everybody's mind: who does this help in the Democratic primary! The conventional wisdom is that presidential super-torture powers are sure to help Hillary Clinton, the one candidate Americans trust to waterboard Muslims at 3 AM. But it's also a big opportunity for Obama to make up lost ground by striking a tough, muscular pro-torture stance to counteract the dangerous pussification of his girly bowling abilities! Stay tuned, readers! ITEM! One of the world's leading climatologists says that the targets for CO2 reduction set by the IPCC are far too high to stop global warming. According to James Hansen, at the current target of 450 ppm polar ice would eventually melt entirely, raising sea levels by 75 meters and radically transforming the planet. But would all this happen fast enough to save Obama by turning voters' attentions from the devastating "Bittergate" scandal, or will the destruction of the coasts merely cede the nomination to Clinton by leaving Obama with nothing to work with but Hillary's natural constituency of embittered midwestern gun-toting god-freaks? Giblets World News will have more on this breaking story as it develops! ITEM! Massive food riots are erupting across the globe in response to skyrocketing grain prices brought on by global warming, declining oil supplies and a glut of biofuel subsidies. Experts warn that unless policies change drastically, we could face a level of chaos that has been described as "apocalyptic" - which would be great news for the McCain campaign, since the end of the world would allow him to really mobilize his base of poison-breathing flesh zombies. But can Obama make inroads into McCain's demographics by "reaching across the aisle" to pick up the traditionally-Republican radioactive vampire vote? ITEM! Namby-pamby so-called "media-critics" have been whining and moaning about how non-stop election coverage has "squeezed out real news" and made Americans "even dumber and more uninformed than usual." Giblets doesn't know what they're talking about, but then he is one of the smart people who reads the news all the time and knows everything anyway and is insulated from the creeping endumbification of the masses. But if this is true it raises some important and sobering questions about politics and the media. Like how will this play in Pennsylvania! Will twenty-four-hour supersaturated campaign coverage give Hillary the edge, or will an inanely debased discourse bump Obama up a couple points? Giblets needs to know, and he needs to know now! Get me a SUSA poll! Get me tracking numbers! Giblets needs county-by-county breakdowns and pre-debate roundtables and post-debate roundtables and meta-spin analysis and colored charts - dozens upon dozens of bright colored charts! This story's going to be big, people, Giblets can just feel it - and he's going to stick with it for as long as necessary. Labels: blogtopia, fuck you '08
posted by Giblets at 4:43 PM
Monday, May 16, 2005
We are so sorry we've been away for so long but it will have all been worth it! We been workin on our top secret project which as you know by watchin TV an magazines an all the news everywhere is a new ultrablog to destroy all lesser blogs called The Faffingpost Times! Every day The Faffingpost Times will feature insightful commentary from over six hundred thinkers and celebrities like Al Roker, Joe Conason, David Horowitz, a primal fear of the moral chaos (for added zaz!), four out of five Baldwins, and a yet-to-be-determined muppet! A year from now The Faffingpost Times will have driven the MSM out of business. Two years from now it will have supplanted all other news sources. A hundred years from now children in schools will ask "what were newspapers and television, we don't understand the concept of them on accounta they're not The Faffingpost Times." A million years from now a new and perfect species of man made completely of energy and candy will evolve from The Faffingpost Times. And all brought to you by Fafblog, hooray! In the meantime we apologize for everything, again.
Labels: blogtopia
posted by fafnir at 11:00 AM
Monday, March 7, 2005
Blogging is coming to the White House! As of today a blogger has been credentialed to cover the White House briefing room, and so have me an Giblets! Here we are at a press gaggle this afternoon. The blogging revolution has arrived!
GIBLETS: Scott, last week liberal professor Dr. Martin Van Sequitur at the University of Montana at Kerplunk said, “I think we should make it legal to eat babies. They are plump and succulent and quite lovely when marinated in a light wine sauce.” Why has no one on the Left denounced this baby-eating leftist icon! Are liberals pro-baby eating? MCLELLAN: That’s an excellent question, Giblets, and let me respond by saying that the president has been on the record as opposing baby-eating since his second term as governor of Texas and that this kind of tragedy isn’t going to end until we reform Social Security into a system that encourages growth, promise, and ownership. FAFNIR: Scott I would like to say first of all that I am astonished at the actions of Professor Van Sequitur an I denounce them completely an he should be fired an stuff. But how come Giblets is denouncin baby-eatin now when people on the right like Sean Hannity an Trent Lott endorsed baby-eatin? MCLELLAN: The president welcomes any and all support in his efforts to fix Social Security for a future that needs growth, promise, and ownership. GIBLETS: Scott, it has been three minutes since Giblets called on the Left to denounce Martin Van Sequitur en masse and only one liberal has denounced him at all and that was just Fafnir who doesn’t even count! Why hasn’t Giblets heard from Helen Thomas on the burgeoning Van Sequitur scandal? MCLELLAN: Again, this just demonstrates the difficulty the president has had working with congressional Democrats on this issue. The president wants to move forward so the American people can retire with a system that encourages growth, promise, and ownership. FAFNIR: Scott, I got a previous press gaggle transcript here where Giblets says “Mmmm, these babies are delicious! Bring more to Giblets, he shall feast upon their tasty flesh!” So how come eating babies is bad when liberals do it an good when Giblets does it? MCLELLAN: That issue was settled in the campaign. The president wants to move beyond the past and work with Democrats to encourage growth, promise, and ownership in Social Security. GIBLETS: Scott, Giblets has been viciously smeared by Fafnir! That quote was taken out of context to imply that Giblets was eating babies when he was only eating cow babies in the form of veal, which is delicious and American! Why must the left always engage in this electronic character assassination! FAFNIR: Cows are people too! It’s just this kinda anti-cow prejudice that’s lead to America’s deteriorating alliance with the cows. Scott when will the president stop avoidin the cow ambassador? Is he ever gonna reschedule his meetin with the cow king? MCLELLAN: Cows are America’s closest ally, Fafnir, and if you look at Iraq you’ll see that there are over a million of America’s cow allies in Iraq right now working with American troops to help Social Security encourage growth, promise, and ownership. GIBLETS: Again with the cows! Fafnir is always looking for a cow permission slip before America defends itself. Well Giblets wants to know what Fafnir’s cows are planning to do about the epidemic of baby-eating in academia! UPDATE: Welcome Instapundit readers! MCLELLAN: The president has always maintained that the cows we eat today aren’t the same cows we ate when Social Security was first designed. Those cows are dead, and stringy. What we need are cows with growth, promise, and ownership. FAFNIR: Scott most a those cows are American cows an the ones that aren’t are workin with the insurgency. What’re we doin to win the hearts an minds of cows on the Arab street? GIBLETS: Giblets is proud to report that Gertrude Vindication, president emeritus of the University of Montana at Kerplunk, has resigned in disgrace! Victory! Victory for Gibleeeets! When will the president bow to Giblets, Mclellan! When will he bow to Giblets – NOOOOOW! MCLELLAN: Growth growth growth, ownership ownership ownership, moo. Good day. Labels: blogtopia
posted by fafnir at 11:38 PM
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
SUCCESS! On behalf of the entire "Mainstream Media," Howard Fineman has surrendered to Blogonia, and Giblets, its cruel and unyielding Blogarch, accepts! Giblets basks in the heady glow of assured relevance! He guzzles the sweet nectar of unparalleled dominance! Truly blogs are truly the ascendent masters of media discourse! Why, Instapundit alone has almost as many readers as the viewership of CNBC's Kudlow and Cramer!
Andrew Sullivan*, standing atop the mountain only Blogtopians could conquer, wonders if bloggers have misused their immense and newfound powers. Giblets says nay - his power flows unheeded by any "old media" notions of "morality" or "restraint"! Let Giblets's new Decrees Over All Media commence! DECREE THE FIRST! All news is now NET-news! All reporting is now E-reporting! The New York Times will spend 90% of its content bickering with the Washington Post in an increasingly abstract yet personal argument regarding the feasibility of anarcho-capitalism in the works of A. A. Milne! The CBS Evening News will be replaced by one man persistently correcting the Washington Post's spelling and grammar for thirty minutes! The Wall Street Journal will consist entirely of excerpts of the New York Times and the Washington Post followed by a single "Indeed"! DECREE THE SECOND! Death to Brian Williams! Giblets finds his smug self-satisfied delivery and newsman cadence to be intolerable relics of the old and biased Legacy Media Bastille which Giblets has stormed and destroyed with his lightning-quick ether-punditry, and it shall have no place in the New Blog Order! DECREE THE THIRD! An end to non-Giblets bias in reporting! More Giblets stories! No longer will the "MSM" overlook Giblets and Giblets-related news items! What is Giblets mad at today? What is Giblets eating? Is he wearing purple pants or plaid pants? How great is Giblets, he is so great he is Giblets! You will know, and you will be forced to know, twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week! Giblets will think up more decrees very soon. In the meantime, bring Giblets his endless array of mansions, hot cars, and bethonged women! The media is dead! Long live the media! *The other night me and Fafnir were at some steakhouse eatin' steak and Andrew Sullivan showed up like a couple feet away from us. We went "Oh my God that's Andrew Sullivan!" and all the non-bloggers we were with knew EXACTLY who we were talking about. When we left the restaurant we passed a cold starving Peter Jennings on the street wearing a sign that read "WILL READ NEWS FOR FOOD." Victory is ours! Labels: blogtopia
posted by Giblets at 2:55 PM
Monday, September 27, 2004
As Giblets types he is ensconced within his new Gibletsian pleasure palace, oiled and fed succulent delicacies by ornamental jewel-bedecked slaves of various genders and sexual orientations. When he is finished his thousand servants shall bring one of the world's last remaining pandas and boil it in gold for Giblets's dining pleasure!
How has Giblets finally found himself in the hedonistic luxurious pleasure-garden he always so richly deserved? Because Giblets is a blogger, that is how - and as a blogger he rides the electric current of The Now, the young and nubile energy of The New Medium coursing from his fingertips at lightning speed as he cripples the dinosaurs of Old Media forever with the pure power of his fresh, unencumbered take on today's events! We dance round the bloated beached corpse of CBS, plunge in our spears, and smear its blood upon our faces in celebration of the war hunt! HI-YIYIYIYIYI! "But Giblets," you say because you are a fool who does not know the Unbridled Power of Blog, "blogs have yet to make or break a single story on their own; in fact they have only gotten mainstream attention thrown onto one story with the help of Matt Drudge." To which Giblets responds: listen Old Media fossil! Stay outta Giblets's way! You are a fat bald bloated newspaper person made of newspaper and he is a svelte thirty-year-old sexpot typing on a computer that you're too old to understand, old man! All you can do is "investigate" "news." Giblets comments upon it with the speed of writing! And Giblets does not care that his recklessly fevered postings may not be as reasoned or sedate as the commentary of William Safire or Chris Matthews or retain the journalistic integrity of Judith Miller or Robert Novak! Giblets is an unhinged cyclone of runaway electronic opinion and nothing can stand in his way! Now Giblets will return to the world that his illustrious blogging success has brought him: life as an unending rap video, surrounded by polished mansions, swimming pools in limousines and limousines in swimming pools, endless bouncing buttocks, and improbable amounts of tacky yet expensive jewelry. Bow before the Blogosphere! Bow before the Blogosphere NOOOOOOOOW! Labels: blogtopia
posted by Giblets at 6:48 AM
Tuesday, July 27, 2004
FAFBLOG is a blog, a radical new Medium of the People which destroys all barriers between word and action, thought and deed. Will it use its power for Journalism, or for Evil?
WOLF BLITZER is a mortal creature of the old media, the M.S.M., a prisoner of flesh and blood. He can only gaze longingly upon the glorious electric ascendancy of the blogosphere from the outside. WOLF BLITZER: So, Fafnir and Giblets, what IS a blog? FAFNIR: Blogs are the future Wolf. GIBLETS: Yes! They are MADE of the future! We extract the future's pure temporal essence an squeeze it into cables an modems an T3 lines it becomes a blog! FAF: A blog... of the future. WB: How much thought goes into your "web blog" "posts"? FAF: Oh we do not think at all when we post! That would defeat the entire purpose! GIBS: Blogs must be spontaneous instant reactions to the lightning events of the everyday! Giblets fires up a random news article, pounds his head against the keyboard several times, an hits the "publish" button for the purest of pure blog posts! FAF: Otherwise you are not truly flowin in the electric consciousness Wolf. WB: Do you think blogs are transforming the discourse in America, and if so how so? FAF: Oh they definitely are Wolf. There is not much that can resist our transformin internet power. GIBS: We are MADE of the internet. We course with its febrile energy! FAF: An we will make the discourse faster because blogs are faster. When someone starts talkin bout somethin that just happened five minutes ago someone else will say "oh I already heard about that yesterday, borin" an they will drop it cuz it's borin. GIBS: When someone starts talkin bout somethin else they will change subject not in the middle of the sentence, but before the other sentence was actually spoken. FAF: It will be just that fast. WB: Fascinating. Now, blogs just don't do the kind of rigorous fact-checking and editorial work that we do here in the mainstream media... FAF: That's very true. Not like you have at CNN or MSNBC or Fox! GIBS: Some days we sit around thinkin "Oh man if only we could maintain the journalistic rigor of Robert Novak or Charles Krauthammer or Brit Hume!" FAF: Or Judith Miller or Chris Matthews or CNN's Bill Schneider! GIBS: But then we would lose our cuttin-edge appeal Wolf Blitzer. Our cuttin-edge appeal. WB: But given that bloggers might be biased, or play "fast and loose with the truth," and given the increased importance of blogs today, should Americans be concerned? FAF: Yes they should be very concerned. We are an unchained force of nature Wolf Blitzer! You cannot stop us once we spin out of telecommunicontrol! GIBS: Bow before the power of blog Wolf Blitzer! Bow before the power of blog NOOOOOOW! WB: But that means the mainstream media would be defenseless before an onslaught of raw unfiltered opinion and skewed news! FAF: It could lead to... a blogpocalypse. GIBS: A rain of electronic fire and doom upon all mankind! FAF: And the mainstream legacy mediaverse would be helpless to stop it! GIBS: Heeeeellllpleeeessss! BOWBEFOREGIBLETS! WB: AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! [explodes] FAF: His fusty analog consciousness could not cope with the intensity of our instantaneous instantosity! GIBS: The media is dead! Long live the media! FAF: Liberté, égalité, superfluté! TO VICTORY! [there follows the violent overthrow of everything] Labels: blogtopia, interviews
posted by fafnir at 5:39 PM
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