Wednesday, January 12, 2005

SUCCESS! On behalf of the entire "Mainstream Media," Howard Fineman has surrendered to Blogonia, and Giblets, its cruel and unyielding Blogarch, accepts! Giblets basks in the heady glow of assured relevance! He guzzles the sweet nectar of unparalleled dominance! Truly blogs are truly the ascendent masters of media discourse! Why, Instapundit alone has almost as many readers as the viewership of CNBC's Kudlow and Cramer!

Andrew Sullivan*, standing atop the mountain only Blogtopians could conquer, wonders if bloggers have misused their immense and newfound powers. Giblets says nay - his power flows unheeded by any "old media" notions of "morality" or "restraint"! Let Giblets's new Decrees Over All Media commence!

DECREE THE FIRST! All news is now NET-news! All reporting is now E-reporting! The New York Times will spend 90% of its content bickering with the Washington Post in an increasingly abstract yet personal argument regarding the feasibility of anarcho-capitalism in the works of A. A. Milne! The CBS Evening News will be replaced by one man persistently correcting the Washington Post's spelling and grammar for thirty minutes! The Wall Street Journal will consist entirely of excerpts of the New York Times and the Washington Post followed by a single "Indeed"!

DECREE THE SECOND! Death to Brian Williams! Giblets finds his smug self-satisfied delivery and newsman cadence to be intolerable relics of the old and biased Legacy Media Bastille which Giblets has stormed and destroyed with his lightning-quick ether-punditry, and it shall have no place in the New Blog Order!

DECREE THE THIRD! An end to non-Giblets bias in reporting! More Giblets stories! No longer will the "MSM" overlook Giblets and Giblets-related news items! What is Giblets mad at today? What is Giblets eating? Is he wearing purple pants or plaid pants? How great is Giblets, he is so great he is Giblets! You will know, and you will be forced to know, twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week!

Giblets will think up more decrees very soon. In the meantime, bring Giblets his endless array of mansions, hot cars, and bethonged women! The media is dead! Long live the media!

*The other night me and Fafnir were at some steakhouse eatin' steak and Andrew Sullivan showed up like a couple feet away from us. We went "Oh my God that's Andrew Sullivan!" and all the non-bloggers we were with knew EXACTLY who we were talking about. When we left the restaurant we passed a cold starving Peter Jennings on the street wearing a sign that read "WILL READ NEWS FOR FOOD." Victory is ours!

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posted by Giblets at 2:55 PM




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