Friday, January 13, 2006
FAFBLOG: Thanks for agreein to do this interview with little ol Fafblog, Judge Alito. And right after all those Congressional hearings, too!
SAMUEL ALITO: Always a pleasure, Fafnir.
FB: Let's get right to it. Does the Constitution protect the right to an abortion?
ALITO: I'm open-minded on abortion, Fafnir. In fact I think it's safe to say that just like every other recent Supreme Court nominee, I've managed to go through a decades-long law career while never actually giving any significant thought to abortion as a legal issue at all.
FB: You even kept up your open-mindedness on abortion rights while voting to restrict abortion rights!
ALITO: I didn't vote to restrict abortion rights, Fafnir. I voted to expand a man's right to co-own and operate his wife's uterus.
FB: You managed to stay open-minded on abortion while you were writing that memo that said "the Constitution does not protect a right to an abortion"!
ALITO: Now, that one shouldn't count - I believe at the time I was bodily possessed by then-Solicitor General Charles Fried.
FB: Now back around then you also wrote a memo saying the Attorney General can't be sued for illegally wiretapping people.
ALITO: I did? Are you sure? Because to be perfectly honest I don't remember a lot of what I did during the Reagan administration. You know how it is when you're serving in the White House, Fafnir - the wild nights, the drunken partying, the granting of absolute power to members of the executive branch... it's hard to keep track.
FB: Oh man, tell me about it! This one time I was hangin out with Dick Cheney an Al Gonzales an they were all hopped up on horse tranquilizers an Cheney's all "let's grant the president the ability to violate civil law during wartime" an Gonzales was like "dude!" an I was all "you guys are crazy!"
ALITO: You know, people are focusing way too much on the triviality of things I've said or done or repeatedly expressed a strident ideological commitment to. I don't let my legal opinions affect my legal decisions - I just follow the law, the Constitution, and the original intent of the Founding Fathers.
FB: So you don't want to strip-search ten-year-old girls without a warrant. James Madison wants to strip-search ten-year-old girls without a warrant!
FB: That old pervert! Why'd we let im write the Constitution anyway?
ALITO: Dunno! I guess we're just stuck now.
FB: Now what do you use to check for the Founders' original intent? I know some like to use a federally-funded time machine an some just read from the giant stone tablets George Washington carved into the living rock at Mount Sinai.
ALITO: There are many different techniques and methodologies, Fafnir. For example, Antonin Scalia's approach involves reading the will of the founding fathers through the power of the ouija, while Clarence Thomas scries for original intent within the innards of a sacrificial law clerk. I simply channel the spirits of the Framers through an old-fashioned seance.
FB: So what happens if you summon up the ghosts of the founding fathers and the spectral aura of Thomas Jefferson gets in a fight with the ectoplasmic residue of Alexander Hamilton?
ALITO: In the event of an intra-framer fight, the Chief Justice may settle the matter by invoking the doctrine of eenius meenius.
FB: What if Hamilton's ghost gets shot by the ghost of Aaron Burr?
ALITO: It depends. Was Hamilton's name on Aaron Burr's warrant?
FB: Could you summon up a Revolutionary War figure or two for us right here? I never met a real celebrity before!
ALITO: Well, I don't know... I don't have my incense or my tarot here and... wait, wait... I'm feeling a presence... it's John Adams! And somebody's with him...
FB: Come on, Jefferson! Corpse fight, corpse fight!
ALITO: I'm getting... I'm getting the letter "G"...
FB: Oooh! Is it Granma Fafnir? It's gotta be Granma Fafnir!
ALITO: She has a message for you... a message from the beyond...
FB: Oh Granma Fafnir, I'm sorry I hocked your urn for pogs back in the early nineties! They were just too collectible!
ALITO: ...she says... it's very fuzzy now... she says, "Confiirm Aliiiito... confiiiiiirm Aliiiito!"
FB: *sniff* That's just like her.
ALITO: And she also says the president gets to torture people. Wheeee!
FB: Thanks for joining us, Judge Alito.
ALITO: Oh, I plan to stick around.
posted by fafnir at 11:13 AM