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Tuesday, December 6, 2005

FAFBLOG: Wow, Condoleezza Rice, right here on our blog! How do we do it!
CONDOLEEZZA RICE: It's a pleasure to be here, Fafnir.
FB: Secretary Rice, right now America's takin a lotta heat from the European Union on account of our policy of sending prisoners to foreign countries to be tortured. Question: what's wrong with good ol fashioned American torturers? Aren't we just shippin their jobs overseas?
RICE: First of all, we don't send prisoners off to be tortured, Fafnir. We just transport prisoners to countries where torture happens to be legal and where they happen to end up getting tortured.
FB: Well that explains everything then! It's all just a wacky misunderstanding, like that episode a Three's Company where Jack sends Janet off to Uzbekistan to get boiled alive by the secret police.
RICE: I'd also like to point out that whenever we send a prisoner to a country that routinely tortures prisoners, that country promises us NOT to torture them.
FB: And then they get tortured anyway!
RICE: Yes, they do! It's very strange.
FB: Over and over again, every time! That's gotta be so frustrating.
RICE: Oh it is, it is.
FB: So the first time you kidnap a prisoner an send him to Saudi Arabia you're like "don't torture this guy" an they're all "we totally won't" an then they go an torture him an you're all "ooh Saudi Arabia I told you not to torture him!" an they're all "oh we're sorry, we promise next time" an then you go "well you better" an you send em the next guy an they torture him too an you go "oh man Saudi Arabia you did it AGAIN!"
RICE: The president believes in the value of patience, Fafnir. He's not going to let a few dozen innocent torture victims come between him and his favorite third-world dictators.
FB: See after the first coupla hundred times that happened I woulda registered a complaint with customer service.
RICE: But the real point is that these accidental torture missions are vital to the war on terror. Remember that these aren't just prisoners. These are known Muslims with names very similar to suspected associates of other Muslims.
FB: They're just the sorta key players that could lead us to Hosama bin Blaben and Musad al Zarcotti!
RICE: Exactly. And by subjecting these high-profile non-targets to not-torture in nonexistent secret prisons, you can bet we'll stop a lot of pretend terror. But Europe doesn't seem to appreciate our non-efforts to protect them.
FB: Maybe the president could send Europe some nice flowers with a message like "Europe I'm so sorry I kidnapped your citizens an had em beaten in a gulag for a year but you know I did it cause I loved you baby."
RICE: We shouldn't have to apologize, Fafnir. We have fully respected the sovereignty of countries cooperating with the United States.
FB: Now does that include Canada? Cause three years ago the US grabbed a Canadian citizen and sent him off to Syria where he was imprisoned and tortured for over a year before being released and the Canadians seem to think you screwed em over pretty bad on that one.
RICE: Fafnir, it's easy to criticize. The CIA's public mistakes are on display every day, while Americans never get to see its private successes - successes like covering up our private mistakes.
FB: Cause I was thinkin maybe you've just been accidentally respectin the sovereignty of a different Canada, like the elusive Mock Canada, or maybe Dick Cheney in a clever plastic Canada costume.
RICE: Everything we've done has been completely within the law, Fafnir, and what's more OH MY GOD IS THAT A TICKING BOMB?
FB: And in 2003 you guys drugged and abducted a German citizen while he was on vacation and flew him off to Afghanistan for five months.
RICE: I'm sorry, I missed that question as this "Totally Nineties" station momentarily distracted me with the nostalgic strains of Chumbawumba.
FB: Maybe he just got abducted by accident, like he was walkin down the street an he tripped an fell into a CIA agent's syringe by mistake or somethin.
RICE: I get knocked down! But I get up again! And you're never gonna keep me down, I get knocked down!
FB: It was a pleasure to see you here Ms. Rice. Come back anytime!

Labels: interviews, shmorture