Wednesday, September 28, 2005

or, Remaining Explanations for the Widespread, Remarkably Similar Patterns of Prisoner Abuse in the U.S. Armed Forces, and the Failure of High-Ranking Officers to Report Them, Which Do Not Include the Existence of Officially-Sanctioned Torture as a Policy of the United States

Magoo's Postulate: While dozens of soldiers have indeed carried out thorough and sadistic acts of torture on military prisoners, their superior officers remained ignorant of everything, convinced, due to a rare ophthalmological disorder, that they were observing a particularly rousing performance of The Pirates of Penzance.

Bell's Theorem: If one entangles the quantum states of two prisoners and then separates them, even over a vast spatial distance, torture tactics performed on one prisoner will be instantaneously observed as identical torture tactics performed on the second prisoner. Realizing that their own observations would continue to resolve into tortured-prisoner states as much as non-tortured-prisoner states, humane officers refused to investigate the incidents.

The Funt Hypothesis: Nothing but wild pranks - wild, deliberate, meticulously organized pranks on the part of the military, the CIA, the press, the Iraqis, and a host of international human rights organizations to trick America into thinking it's actually been torturing people. A couple months from now, while being led by some of its closest friends to a vaguely trendy restaurant, America will hear a bunch of abused prisoners shout "Surprise!", see Osama bin Laden pop out of a birthday cake, and be simultaneously relieved and bemused to learn that the entire War on Terror has been an elaborate joke.

Me Lucky Charms: Leprechauns did it.

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posted by the Medium Lobster at 2:25 PM




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