Tuesday, November 8, 2005
Q. Help! I'm still being tortured to death in an American military prison! What should I do?
A. Sigh. We've been through this before. You can't be getting tortured to death because we do not torture.
Q. Whew, that's a relief! For a second there I thought I was being forced underwater until near the point of death.
A. Ha ha, that's not torture! That's what we call a "freedom dip."
Q. Can I be released from this American military prison?
A. No, because we can neither confirm nor deny that this military prison even exists. For all we know, you might not even be here!
Q. Wow, that'd be great! Any idea where I might be?
A. Not a clue! It's a mystery.
Q. Gee, I hope I'm home with my family drinking a nice big mug of cocoa.
A. You keep that up.
Q. I sure - AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Q. Is this non-torture legal?
A. Absolutely. We will beat you, bash your limbs to pulp, and leave you to die of exposure, but we will do so under the law.
Q. Congress is trying to ban the cruel, degrading, and humiliating treatment of prisoners in U.S. custody. Will this non-torture be illegal then?
A. Of course not, because this non-torture is neither cruel, degrading, nor humiliating. Although we will veto any such legislation if passed by Congress. While we do not torture, we reserve the right to hypothetically torture.
Q. Is the CIA agent breaking my legs being cruel, humiliating or degrading?
A. The CIA agent breaking your legs is doing so in the most dignified and humane way possible.
Q. What about the army officer raping me with a chemical light?
A. The army officer raping you with a chemical light will later serve you a delicious meal of orange chicken and rice pilaf.
Q. Ooh! And for dessert?
A. Death by asphyxiation and a magnificent crème brulée!
Q. I can't waAAAAAAAAAAAHH OH GOD
Q. Why am I being not-tortured in this non-prison?
A. Because you're a dangerous terrorist and an enemy of the United States.
Q. Ah! How'd you find that out?
A. You told us, right after we started torturing you.
Q. You also got me to say I was a duck.
A. Ducks are dangerous terrorists and enemies of the United States.
Q. And to think I never knew! Who told you that?
A. Some duck we tortured.
Q. At some point between going to war and beating me to death while I'm chained to the floor in my own feces, do you think you went too far?
A. No, because this is a different kind of war.
Q. Different because the threat is more dangerous, or different because it's more complex?
A. Different because it gives us an excuse to torture people to death in American military prisons.
Q. Well, I certainly don't want to stand in the way of defending America. *RRRGGGKK* Or I wouldn't, if I still had the ability to stand.
A. It's the least any of us can ask of someone else when they're being tortured to death in an American military prison!
posted by the Medium Lobster at 5:04 PM