Sunday, January 9, 2005

Hello there an welcome to another edition of Alberto Gonzales Versus A Baked Potato! Today we'll rate the president's nominee for attorney general against a plump oven-hot starchy vegetable.

BACKSTORY
Alberto Gonzales: Risen from humble roots, member of oppressed minority
Baked potato: member of the Solanaceae family
Advantage: GONZALES

EVIL
Alberto Gonzales: No longer pro-torture! Still pro-omnipotent executive branch.
Baked potato: Product of the corrupt agribusiness industry
Advantage: POTATO

USEFULNESS TO THE PRESIDENT
Alberto Gonzales: Loyal Bush family retainer, but easily replaced with novelty "You da man!" talking keychain
Baked potato: Delicious with steak, but even better mashed
Advantage: DRAW

POWERS AND ABILITIES
Alberto Gonzales: Doesn't offer own legal opinions to the president, can't remember previous legal opinions for the senate, can't explain current legal opinions to anybody.
Baked potato: Doesn't offer own legal opinions to the president, can't remember previous legal opinions for the senate, can't explain current legal opinions to anybody, and is covered with hot melted butter and sour cream!
Advantage: POTATO

Decision: POTATO
Wow, we gotta say this was a real blowout in the end! We expect the president to drop Gonzales in the next coupla days an announce a baked potato as his new man in the Justice Department... unless of course President Bush has bigger ideas for our starchy jurist. Rehnquist can't hold out forever!

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posted by fafnir at 4:05 PM




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