Monday, August 16, 2004

There's a lot of Bush vs. Kerry foreign policy talk flyin' around right about now and frankly it does not impress Giblets much. John Kerry's people say "oh well John Kerry will be very competant in foreign policy blah blah blah" well Giblets couldn't give a rat's ass! Where is the Articulated Grand Strategy in competence, huh? Where is the entrepreneurial up-from-the-bootthings spirit? Where is the heart, John Kerry?

The heart is with George Bush and his Bold Grand Strategy of turning all countries in the world into democracies by arbitrarily blowing them up. Now some would say that George Bush is not competant enough to carry out this Bold Grand Strategy and that you should vote for a competant smaller vision over an incompetant grander one. But what is the point, Giblets asks you, of competance if it does not serve anything worthy? And can anything be worthy if it is not Bold and Grand?

The answer is no! And that is why you must vote... for Giblets. For Giblets is about to articulate a Grand Strategy for foreign policy so Bold and so Grand it will render unto incompetence any who dare pursue it! Giblets gives you... THE GIBLETS DOCTRINE!

  • ULTROCRACY PROMOTION! Giblets will not settle for promoting anything as pansy-ass as Democracy! He will not rest until every single country in the world - including countries where are no countries such as Antarctica, Atlantis, and the Moon - into Ultrocracies, democracies so ultra-democratic that the will of the people manifests itself as an immense avatar-being of pure energy that roams around the countryside turning garbage into food and corpses into high-paying private sector jobs!
  • GIBLETOLATERALISM! When multilateralism fails Giblets he will say "Screw the UN!" and continue on! But that is not all. When "coalitions of the willing" fail Giblets he will send America in alone to conquer and overrun the enemy! But when America itself fails Giblets - when the US Congress or even the military pansy out on him - Giblets himself will go to war - and he will totally kick ass!
  • PREEMPTION! Giblets will preempt any terrorist attack before it happens by donning his power-cape, flying around the globe, reversing the orbit of the earth and turning back time until Giblets stops the attack from happening! Then Giblets will travl back further in time and kill the terrorists' parents before they are born!
  • SUPREME HEGEMOCRATOCRACY! Giblets will maintain the power and hegemony of the United States by overpowering all nations in the world at once! Giblets now preemptively declares war on everyone in the world, effective on his inauguration! Giblets will handle the multiple war-fronts by dispatching a lighter, faster US military comprised of mini-divisions - one fat guy and one skinny guy, both in body armor and armed with special high-tech gadgetry, like Swiss Army knives and mini-nukes.
  • ALTERNATIVE ENERGY! How will Giblets fuel all of this? By sending spacemen up into space - to mine the great heaving glowy brains of God, which will power America for a thousand generations!

    Giblets expects a small legion of neo-Gibletsatives forming in The National Review, The Weekly Standard, and the editorial pages of the Wall Street Journal any minute now.
  • posted by Giblets at 10:36 AM




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