Well Giblets has finally had it up to here with John Kerry and he will not remain silent any longer! As Giblets has noted before
, Giblets sorta-served with John Kerry in Vietnam on his very same swift boat - or on some swift boat or looked at a picture of a swift boat or has been to boat shows - and found him to be the most cowardly and traitorous war hero Giblets has ever had the displeasure of pretending to meet! And as one of Swift Boat Veterans for Truth™
, Giblets is proud to unselfishly and apolitically offer up talking points deriding his military service and questioning his ability to be president!His war wounds! How many purple hearts did John Kerry really earn, two or three? Giblets speculates: NONE AT ALL! Giblets recalls that while John Kerry was flinging himself in front of Viet Cong machine gun fire and rescuing pregnant villagers, he was also saying quite clearly, "If only these fools knew that I was only risking death so that I could accumulate a supply of medals, throw them away during antiwar protests, and use my injuries to climb the political ladder to become the most despicable tyrant America has ever seen!" It's true I think I have it on tape somewhere.
He opposed the war! After cravenly fighting in Vietnam for his country, John Kerry then returned to his country to OPPOSE the war in Vietnam - a war that history has proven to be not only justified, but overwhelmingly popular and morally courageous! We Swift Boat Veterans for Trooth™ stood on the right side of history along with Nixon and Agnew and Kissinger and McNamara! Where did John Kerry stand?
His former commanding officers! All of them are part of this effort to righteously put down Kerry! What's that, you say? You claim that all records released by Kerry's commanding officers from Vietnam had issued glowing reports? That none of us actually served with Kerry? Silence before Giblets! What are you going to believe, the overwhelming preponderence of evidence or sixty seconds of righteously indignant partisan hackery?
Giblets's own personal testimonial! "Oh this sounds all devastating Giblets" you say. "But where is the personal touch?" Well I was Kerry's commanding officer too, back when I was Super-Lieutenant Giblets of the Something-an-First Naval Squadronium and what I saw from John Kerry shocked me to the core of my Gibletsness! Here I will play you the taped recording I have preserved for the last thirty-something years!
GIBLETS: Kerry get down here immediately this is Giblets! We are bein attacked by... monkeys! Viet Cong cyborg monkeys! And we need your help!
JOHN KERRY: "I'm John Kerry, blah blah blah! I cannot help you Giblets because I am too busy gettin intentionally shot in the arm so I can get out of Vietnam!"
GIBLETS: Damn you Kerry that is like desertion from duty! Like way worse than say skippin out of your service in the Alabama National Guard!
JOHN KERRY: "Well screw you Giblets and screw America too! Now I will smoke pot and commit atrocities and plan for a day when I can raise taxes on everybody!"
GIBLETS: Nooo! Daaamn youuu Kerry!
FAFNIR: Giblets why are you talkin to a picture of John Kerry taped to a Barbie doll?
GIBLETS: Goway Fafnir you are messin everythin up!
So now you know the truth about John Kerry. Now you have both sides of the story - the irresponsibly crazy pack of lies, and of course our side.