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Wednesday, August 18, 2004
One week after the California Supreme Court annulled over over 4,000 gay marriages in San Francisco, the Medium Lobster is pleased to report that marriage is already strengthening in America.
Marriage - once thought to have been destroyed beyond repair due to the dual throbbing sodomite assault in both Massachusetts courtrooms and upon the late, lamented Federal Marriage Amendment - has been notably strengthened since the decision. Divorce rates have plummeted throughout not only California, but the nation in general. Rush Limbaugh, the Medium Lobster is given to understand, is getting back together with not just one, but all three of his ex-wives. California governor and gay marriage opponent Arnold Schwarzenegger has noted that he will continue to grope and manhandle strange women, but now when he does so, he will do it in order to lovingly honor his sacred bonds of matrimony. And Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum has sprouted five new penises with which he may deposit fertilizing seed within the womb of his Godly, heterosexual wife. For those poor souls still living in desolate regions where gay civil marriage throws its dark shroud over the land, the Medium Lobster advises the installation of miniature clones of valiant culture-warriors such as Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell, who will repeatedly shout "Your marriage is more real than a gay person's! Your marriage is more real than a gay person's!" in order to boost the strength of proper, heterosexual, vaginal-intercourse marriage with powerful bigot-beams.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 1:37 PM
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