Tuesday, September 7, 2004
Tom Ridge shows up at my house with armed Homeland Security Department officials. Good thing I just finished makin brownies!
"Fafnir, the United States Government is here to search for materials of a terrorist nature," says Tom Ridge.
"Cmon in Tom Ridge!" says me. "Would you like some brownies?"
"We are not interested in brownies, Fafnir," says Tom Ridge. "The Department of Homeland Security must sieze your absentee ballot before it can be used to aid and abet a terrorist attack on the United States."
"Are you sure you do not want brownies Tom Ridge?" says me. "They have peanut butter chips!"
Official Homeland Security Department ballot-sniffin dogs sniff my apartment an find my absentee ballot. "Aha!" says Tom Ridge. "Fafnir, by the authority placed in me by the Government and Jesus and many other large things, I'm placing you under arrest!"
"Oh no!" says me. "What for?"
"For plotting to vote for John Kerry!" says Tom Ridge. "As Vice President Cheney noted today, if John Kerry gets elected in November, 'we'll get hit again and we'll be hit in a way that will be devastating from the standpoint of the United States.' That means the election of John Kerry is the election of another terrorist attack. That means by voting for John Kerry you've participated in a terrorist conspiracy to attack the United States of America!"
"I am sorry Tom Ridge I had no idea!" says me.
"Ignorance of the law is no excuse!" says Tom Ridge.
"But I did not even completely vote for John Kerry!" says me. "I just kinda made a pencil mark there."
"Attempted terrorism is still a crime!" says Tom Ridge. Oh I wish he had just eaten the brownies!
"What if I vote for someone else?" says me. "Like President Bush or libertarian candidate Michael Badnarik?"
"Not good enough!" says Tom Ridge. "This is a war on terror, not some political stunt! We fully inforce the law, and you crossed it by endangering this country, mister! Take him off to Guantanamo, boys!"
Oh no! I didnt mean to commit a terrorist act! Whatever will I do!
posted by fafnir at 4:49 PM