Monday, September 20, 2004
So it turns out that the Republican National Committee is tellin folks that Democrats will ban Bibles an allow gay marriage if they get elected. Now I remember thinkin that the 2003 Kennedy-Lucifer Bible Banning And Forced Homosexuality Act was probly a bad move from the Democrats but it looks like the Republicans are really playin it up.
What role does religion really play in politics? Are Republicans more Jesusy? Are Democrats more evil? Fafblog decided to get a hold of two of the biggest names in politics right now to find out.
FAFBLOG: It's good to see you again God! We don't hang out much now that you've hit it big.
GOD: Thy God is an Awesome God, Fafnir - and a very busy one as well! For the next few weeks The Great I AM will be occupied on the campaign trail in Florida, Ohio, and Michigan! The Lord thy God will be appearing as a pillar of fire at a Bush rally in Dayton tomorrow, then it's off to Tallahassee to slay the firstborn at an RNC luncheon!
FB: Well you are a very charismatic slayer God I am sure you will do just fine. But why do you like the Republicans so much?
GOD: Because they are lead by George Walker Bush, My one and only political hack, in whom I am well-pleased! Only through them can My Divine Will be manifest: salvation of all Mankind through school prayer, ineffectual proxy wars, oil drilling in the Alaska National Wildlife Refuge, and the institution of the flat tax!
FB: Well that does sound like a very godly platform God!
GOD: It is! And it is the only thing which can stand in its way is the Democratic Party - the foul left arm of My demonic arch-foe, Satan!
FB: Oh no! Not Satan!
SATAN: BLAAAAAAAARRRGH! Yes, by Beelzebub's blistered backside! The Democratic Party has been my greatest tool in the corruption and destruction of Man since the days of FDR, but now it stands ready to realize my darkest dreams! First will come gay marriage, then the banning of the Bible, then the scorching of the earth before the Beast of the Bottomless Pit, and then - THEN - UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE FOR ALL! MWA-HAHAHAHA!
FB: Oh no! Not health care!
GOD: The fallen one speaks in blasphemies! For he knows it is written in the Commandments, "Thou shalt not socialize medicine, for Thy God is the friend of rugged bootstrappers and insurance companies, and the enemy of government handouts."
FB: But what about gay marriage God? I thought it was good cause it was civil rights an stuff.
GOD: Thou hast been corrupted by a treacherous conspiracy of immoral liberal educators, Fafnir! For I have found Gayness to be Icky in Mine sight, and damnable to the pits of darkest perdition, just like the eating of shrimp!
FB: We can't eat shrimp? But it is so tasty!
SATAN: RAAAAAAAAARRRGH! And every juicy morsel you taste earns you eternal torment in the lake of burning excrement, where the triple-headed demon-dogs of Dis will gnaw at your boiling entrails forever!
GOD: Yes, and a pity I left that one out of the New Testament. Two thousand years' worth of Christians gone to waste.
FB: What can we do to make sure that American politics is Godly politics?
GOD: Vote for Godly Republicans, like Tom Coburn and Alan Keyes! You will know them by Mine mark: they will be alight with the Holy Spirit, and shall speak in strange tongues - equating the estate tax with slavery, and calling for the death penalty for doctors who perform abortions on rape victims!
SATAN: No, Fafnir, listen to me, and be seduced to the Dark Side by my vile policies of nuclear non-proliferation, equality of all citizens, and fiscal discipline! BLAAARRRRHHH!
FB: Get thee behind me Satan! I will resist your wiley budget hawkery!
GOD: Good work, thou good and faithful blogger! But your work does not end with simple spiritual resistence, or with even a vote for Bush! You must donate generously to Bush, and of course join the Presidential Prayer Team as quickly as possible! It is crucial that as many people pray for My president and his cabinet officials and undersecretaries as possible!
FB: But I thought you heard all prayers God no matter how small.
GOD: Blasphemy! If you only pray once to Me, I may not hear it - or it may be cancelled out by another prayer! Remember when you were little and you prayed that I would get you that toy train set for Christmas?
FB: Yes I did! I wanted that train set oh so much!
GOD: Well a little Muslim boy in Pakistan was specifically praying to Me for you NOT to get that train set, and thus the prayers cancelled out!
SATAN: YAAAARRGH! Yes, and now, like all unanswered prayers, yor toy train set belongs to Satan! AHAHAHAHAHA!
FB: That lousy little Muslim boy! Why would he do somethin like that?
GOD: To destroy the West! Which is why you have to pray for George W. Bush, Fafnir - because the Islamists are praying to Me for Satan's Democrats to win!
SATAN: And by Hell's teeth, I grow stronger with each one of their prayers! A militant imam in Iran has just moved Kerry up two points in Florida! HRAAAAAAAARH!
FB: But God can't you just not listen to bad prayers?
GOD: Sadly, no, for the King of Kings and Lord of Lords has made commitments to a number of other political organizations as well... al Qaeda, Hezbollah, Hamas, Islamic Jihad... God is on their sides, too, Fafnir.
SATAN: BLAAAARRGGH! But Satan is not without his own allies! In addition to the DNC, I have the godless coalition of the Green Party, the ACLU, and the UN, and with them I shall bring to fruition my nightmarish hellworld of internationalism and civic equality!
FB: We will stop you somehow, Satan! Won't we God?
GOD: Yes, with the power of the Holy Spirit - and by smearing Satan's Vietnam record.
It is an honor as always to be able to sit down with two old pros like God an Satan. Don't forget to pick up a copy of God's new book "Vote For Us Or Burn In Hell!"
posted by fafnir at 10:54 AM