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Friday, September 24, 2004
And so the inevitable has arrived. John Kerry and the Bush Administration's critics have fully embraced the notion that America would be safer had there been no invasion of Iraq. A facile charge, to be sure... for given the apparent turmoil of the Iraq project, the impending slide towards outright civil war and chaos, it is simplicity itself to declare that the entire enterprise was fatally flawed from the start, that one would happily exchange the current spiralling wreck for a defanged, contained Saddam.
Simplicity itself... if one does not possess the wisdom and vision of the Medium Lobster. Longtime readers of Fafblog will know that the Medium Lobster, like all beings who transcend the limitations of what you refer to as "space" and "time," sees not merely what has occured, but what will occur, what might occur, and what might have occured, had only the flow of history gone differently. It is in this capacity that the Medium Lobster is currently assisting the CIA in its report on possible Iraqi weapons of mass destruction, and it is in this capacity that the Medium Lobster invites you all to see what would have become of the Mideast, America, and the world had the United States not invaded Iraq… let us look into the unrealized reality of… …SADDAM UNLEASHED! In the months after America’s decision not to invade, Saddam Hussein is emboldened by the superpower’s lack of resolve, and finds himself determined to strike at its weak underbelly! While a strict inspection regime has deprived him of his chemical, biological, and nuclear weapons programs, Saddam is armed with a fierce hatred of the United States and its freedoms… and a determination to obtain the weapons to assault those freedoms! Within months, and at the vicious urgings of their dictator, Iraqi scientists make an astonishing breakthrough – the creation of deadly weapons of mass destruction fueled by Iraq’s dangerously large stockpile of civilians and desert sand! Especially potent when loaded with children and the elderly, the weapons are praised by the Butcher of Baghdad – who promptly unleashes CIVSAND-tipped missiles against Israel and Iran, destroying their capitals and crippling their infrastructures! Faced with a growing Saddam empire in the mideast, the Bush administration is hypocritically attacked by the same leftists who opposed its plan to reduce Baghdad’s deadly supply of civilians – a supply made even greater by the U.S. military’s dismantling of al Qaeda! “If only Osama bin Laden were still running free,” says maverick GOP senator John McCain, “then maybe Iraqi human proliferation would never have gotten this far!” Relying on the broad, international coalition formed in the wake of 9/11, America and its allies go to war with the new and terrifying empire of Dictaterrostan – and are promptly crushed as overwhelming force proves to be no match for the small, light, nimble forces of Saddam’s troops, which are capable of prosecuting multiple wars simultaneously! In fact, by dispatching five men in speedboats to every NATO member nation, Saddam brings the transatlantic alliance crashing down in disarray! Within weeks, a weeping George Bush, chained and shackled before a burning Washington Monument by two members of the Fedayeen Saddam armed with only Swiss Army knives and wetsuits, begs his nation for forgiveness as he surrenders to the laughing tyrant, who tears up the constitution and dispatches an occupying force of thirty Republican Guards to hold the country while it undergoes its dark transformation into Islamofascism. Sitting in their cells in the Christopher Hitchens Memorial Gulag, Howard Dean and Michael Moore wipe tears from their eyes, wonder how they could have lead the nation so astray, and hope that one day, from the ashes of their old America will rise a new country with the courage to preventively invade states that pose no realistic threat to it. Ah, but the hour grows long, and even the Medium Lobster dares look no further, and that is a story for another time.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 11:19 PM
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