Thursday, September 30, 2004

Can it be? Can this be the End of an Era?

Giblets tuned into the presidential debates expecting to see an exciting duel between two of his favorite cartoons: namby-pamby Frenchy-French made-of-ketchup John Kerry and gung-ho cowboy dumb-but-full-of-heartland-values George Bush. And he expected, like he has always expected since he was a little Giblets sitting down to watch cartoons, for the Good Guy in the cowboy hat to win. What Giblets was not prepared for - what has completely blindsided him! - is seeing them not show up at all. Instead of the weak-kneed flip-flopping elitist being put in his place by the simple-talkin' cowpoke who squints ABMs in the face of terror, Giblets had to endure seeing the leader of the free world whine like an old woman with an expired aspirin coupon while Mr. Monument trounced him in rich, dulcet tones!

How could this be? Television assured Giblets that John Kerry was a weak leader based on his long-windedness, his ability to speak French, and the fact that he married a woman with a foreign accent, and that George Bush was a strong leader based on the fact that he clears brush real good! But tonight John Kerry was looking leaderesque and George Bush who was looking like a whiney little bitch. What can this mean?

Giblets refuses to "analyze policy" or "look at facts." He evaluates world leaders based on how entertaining, personable, and manly they appear on TV! But now that Almighty Cable itself has grown fickle and feckless, Giblets has no choice but to challenge John Kerry directly - for the good of boob-tubers everywhere!

Giblets will debate John Kerry himself while repeatedly punching a rhinocerous in the face to prove Giblets's superior manliness! John Kerry will probably feel compelled to also bring an animal to punch but he will resort to something like an emu or a chicken.

Worry not, Gibletsians! Giblets's triumph is assured! Only Giblets promises true Leadershipship for the twenty-first century!
posted by Giblets at 11:54 PM

Donald Rumsfeld is no perfectionist.So we're ridin on down the road in our Cross Country Journey of Inner Discovery and Of Course the American Dream when Donald Rumsfeld hits a moose.

"Maybe we should stop an get a tow truck," says me.
"Gosh, that seems pretty excessive," says Donald Rumsfeld. "I mean, was a moose hit? Yes. Do the antlers sticking through the windshield make driving trickier? You bet. But should we just turn around and quit because the road got a little bumpy? I'd say no."

One thing about Donald Rumsfeld that you have to give him credit for is he always cuts through the crap to tell it like it is in his no-nonsense style. I am reminded of this when we hit the second moose.

"Moose happen," says Donald Rumsfeld. "There are moose, and we'll hit 'em. That's the way it goes. We've lost two tires and the brakes. That's life. I'm drunk, legally blind and have been charged with eight counts of vehicular manslaughter in the last three years. Gotta deal with it. Nothing's perfect."
"If you think about it the more moose get hit by us, the fewer moose there are to get hit by us!" says me.
"I like the way you think," says Donald Rumsfeld.

Donald grabs a beer an misses a pedestrian. Hooray! One of the moose is still alive an kicks at the engine. "Bad moose," says me. "No beer until you stop." Donald Rumsfeld throws an open bottle a Coors at the back seat to put out the fire.

"Are parts of the car on fire? Sure. Would we like them not to be? Of course. Have I gone insane from three decades of snorting military-grade rubber cement? Quite possibly. Do we need everything to be perfect for us to go out on the road? Well, that's absurd," says Donald Rumsfeld.
"That's very true," says me. "We cannot make the perfect the enemy of the terrible."

The bridge up ahead is either out or doesn't exist. But if we waited for everything to be perfect before we did stuff well then we'd never get anythin done! Forward, onward, downward, Donald Rumsfeld!

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posted by fafnir at 5:52 PM

Silly Paul Krugman, gettin all worked up about how cable spin will decide how the debates turn out! Our independent news media will do the full objective investigative reportin they always do, an we know this at Fafblog cause we have used the Fafblog Time Machine to cover the debate with our media's best an brightest before it even happens!

FAFBLOG: Wow that was a great debate! What did you think, Future Chris Matthews?
FUTURE CHRIS MATTHEWS: A slam dunk for the president, no contest! He knocked this one outta the park!
FUTURE BOB SCHNEIDER: I gotta agree with Future Chris, the president came out swinging on this one and he didn't let up! And John Kerry just gave us the usual rambling confusion that's left his campaign floundering for the last couple months!
FAFBLOG: Wow, an here I thought he was nervous an stuttering an naked! When did you guys think he clinched it tonight?
FUTURE MATTHEWS: Oh, he was on the ball from when he first stepped out on stage and announced his New Clothes Initiative! It was direct, it was forceful, it was optimistic. That's the kinda president Americans want on their TV screens!
FUTURE SCHNEIDER: And notice all Kerry had to fall back on was negativity. "Where are these new clothes, nobody can see them, the president's naked, the president has a small penis." This isn't what voters wanna hear!
FUTURE TIM RUSSERT: You're right, it's not! And once again it's Kerry taking just another position on the same issue. Yesterday Kerry was saying George Bush was wearing a suit and a tie, but tonight when he's wearing a special multi-billion-dollar invisible suit now he's naked? Voters don't follow this kind of nuance!
FAFBLOG: It's very true, it turns my little brain to mush! But was the president naked tonight?
FUTURE MATTHEWS: Well that's the beauty part! The president turned it right around and said "My opponent wants to attack my fine American clothes, but his are shabby and made in France." He sticks to playing offense! It's not "Why am I naked?" It's "Why do you dress like crap?" You've gotta admire that!
FUTURE RUSSERT: That's right, brilliant strategy on the president's part, and it just goes to show that the Republicans have got a much better team coaching their guy here! Always stay on message, always push it back at the other guy!
FUTURE SCHNEIDER: And it raises a valid question, which is where did Kerry get that awful suit from? Was it from France?
FAFBLOG: That's a good point, it does look kinda French! An here I was starin at a naked president the whole time! Any criticisms of President Bush tonight?
FUTURE SCHNEIDER: My number one criticism of George Bush was that he actually let Kerry off on a number of places. For instance, given that the president had already explained that his magical suit could only be seen by true American patriots, and John Kerry said he could see the president naked, that pretty much means either John Kerry's not a patriot, or he's not American! So which one is it, senator?
FUTURE MATTHEWS: Ha ha! Good one! Maybe all that cheap french silk's got to him!
FUTURE RUSSERT: Or that tan!
FUTURE MATTHEWS: Ha HA! I love you Tim.
FAFBLOG: Alright thank you so much for bein with us, future media commentators! Be with us tomorrow when we will continue our future post-debate coverage by askin the question "Was the president's exposed penis actually much larger than John Kerry claimed it was?"
FUTURE ROBERT NOVAK: My sources tell me the president's penis is over fifty feet long and constructed entirely of high-tensile steel.

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posted by fafnir at 9:11 AM
Wednesday, September 29, 2004

Giblets is outraged! Congressional Republicans are trying to sneak provisions into the 9/11 Recommendations Implementation Act of 2004 that would legalize the foul practice of "extraordinary rendition" - the transfer of suspected terrorists to other countries to be tortured for information. To pass the bill in this form would be inconceivable - for how can any red-blooded pro-torture Congressman justify outsourcing our nation's torture work when American torturers are losing their jobs every day?

Giblets is a proud supporter of torture. After all, an increasingly pervasive federal government isn't going to be torturing people like you or Giblets - it will be torturing nothing but Very Bad People, or other people who have been foolish enough to share the same ethnic features or religious beliefs as Very Bad People. As a good honest citizen you have nothing to worry about!

Americans should be proud that the state is willing to electrocute our genitals and pull out our nails in order to protect us. But it looks like our lawmakers aren't very proud of this rich new American tradition, approving it in the closet while pushing the labor force out to cheap foreign torturers in Pakistan! If we want to legalize torture, Giblets demands we go all the way and give torture some public, homegrown respect! Giblets wants to see the brave men and women of the 101st US Torture Brigades, Dick Cheney beating prisoners with rods on CSPAN, George Bush standing in front of a pile of naked and bleeding Iraqis under a "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED" banner!

Giblets knows that there are some out there who will say, "Oh, but countries like Saudi Arabia and Syria can do torture cheaper and better than we can, why should we try to compete?" Well, Giblets is holding a little something in the thumbscrews of his heart called patriotism, and Giblets thinks American workers can compete with anyone else in the world! Sure, these other countries have been at it longer than we have, but with gumption and stick-to-it-iveness Americans can rise to the top of anything!

Torture is as American as baseball, apple pie, preventive war, the equating of dissent with treason, and the principle of a commander-in-chief who stands above the law. So stand proud, Americans, and write your congressmen to tell them you don't want your country outsourcing torture.
posted by Giblets at 12:20 PM
Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Ah, the agonies of higher understanding! The Medium Lobster has had to endure the unenlightened voices of the American Left for the past week as they decried Iyad Allawi's address to the US Congress scarcely a month before the election, calling Allawi a "puppet," a shill for the Bush administration, an exile lackey in the service of a partisan political agenda. To which the Medium Lobster responds: of course he is. Entirely dependent on American military and financial support as he is, Allawi should feel free to dance on his strings with reckless abandon, to revel in his marionettedom. But more importantly, the Bush administration - or the Bush campaign, rather - should not hesitate to employ any foreign leader at their disposal to counter the foreign endorsements his opponent has received - namely, the terrorists.

Indeed, as Senator Orrin Hatch (R-UT) and others have noted, terrorists "are going to throw everything they can between now and the election to try and elect Kerry." This was made obvious when the 527 group Terrorists For Kerry began campaigning for the Massachusetts senator throughout various swing states. Just yesterday at a Kerry rally in Nashua, New Hampshire, Ayman al-Zawahiri spoke to cheering throngs of Democrats, laying out a scathing attack on George Bush and firing up the base with appeals to standard Democratic issues such as universal health care, better funding for education, and the purging of crusaders and zionists with a tide of blood.

And the terrorists' plans have been working for John Kerry so far. While New Hampshirites, for example, disagreed with many of Zawahiri's stances on the slaughter of innocents, they were generally taken by his independent, "maverick" persona. In the face of these tactics, is it any wonder that George Bush would look for a little reinforcement? The Medium Lobster's advice to George Bush: surround yourself with as many foreign puppet endorsements as possible. Don't hesitate to undermine their standing in their own countries to gain their support - in fact, if need be, threaten trade restrictions, embargoes, and regime change if they don't. The price of principled independence could be a victory for the terrorists - or worse, for the Democrats.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 8:29 PM

We're throwin out the link of love to Gary Farber an Arthur Silber both of whom are excellent writers an are both in tough money situations right now. Arthur Silber is sick an badly strapped for cash an Gary Farber seems to have broken his entire self lately. Help them out!

We would give you money ourselves except we have none. We would give you Chris's money except he's runnin out too. Get another job, Chris! We need food!
posted by fafnir at 4:17 PM
Monday, September 27, 2004

This year there are less than ten states where voting in the presidential election will actually make a difference. In the rest of em, heck! You can vote for the Natural Law Party an it'll all be gravy thanks to the magic of the Electoral College!

But what about those people in the swing, or "important" states? What will they do with the strange an mysterious power to actually affect their government? Fafblog decided to find out by a hard-hittin folksy personal tour of each of the swing states from now until election day!

Goofy's vote is worth more than yours.Today I am in Pennsylvania or as it is known the Bearded State. It is known for its supply a coal an Amish an barns which you may not Know are barns. Its state bird is the goosegoose an its state flower is the rock-beaked tortoise. In 1896 it was not counted in the election on accounta all of its electors got lost along the way an turned up in Canada a coupla months later which is where we get Quebec! But how will Pennsylvania vote this year? To find out I stopped to talk to three different people with colorful backstories!

Behold Pennsylvania! The man on the left is also the Liberty Bell.Georgia Mason is a retired Vietnam Veteran NASCAR driver an security mom who as a single parent must juggle raisin her family with her career as captain of a pirate ship. She has voted for Ronald Reagan an Bill Clinton an George Bush an a genetic chimera of Ross Perot an Ralph Nader. But although she calls herself a lifelong Republican she may vote for John Kerry this year! "I don't trust John Kerry on the war," she says. "But I'm worried about my job in this economy. How can I feed a family looting, raping, and pillaging if everyone I try to loot, rape, and pillage is unemployed?" But she also has her doubts about John Kerry. "John Kerry's a flip-flopper," she says. "What if he decides to flip-flop on terror and have American troops fighting alongside Osama bin Laden in a bloody jihad against the west just because it's popular in the polls?" Georgia is one of many voters who says she may wait up until the last few days, or preferably the last few seconds, of the election to decide. "I just don't know enough about this president and his policies after only four years of his presidency and his policies," she points out. Convincin urban professional gay Hispanic Jews like her may be the key to carryin the population centers.

Vote, English!But as James Carville once said "you can't win Pennsylvana without winning the treacherous, impenetrable swampland." And it is true. Outside the major cities like Philadelphia an Pittsburgh Pennsylvania is one giant marsh populated almost entirely wby reclusive bog monsters. I talked to one bog monster who was still very undecided. "Bog monster not trust John Kerry!" says the bog monster. "Bog monster think Kerry shifty Massachusetts liberal! But bog monster not like Bush's education policies! Why not fund No Child Left Behind, George Bush?" And then he was destroyed by a mob of torch-wieldin villagers.

The children are our future.The election is comin so close in this state that one minority vote usually taken for granted may decide it all: superintelligent space monkeys. "Oh, I quite approve of the president, dear chap," says Mittens, a monkey whose brain was expanded twelve times its normal size by mysterious cosmic moon rays. "For while his economic policies are myopic and his foreign policy is incoherent at best, his easygoing manner and facade of strength have comforted me in my hours of mind-numbing horror." Superintelligent space monkeys are usually a strong Democratic voting block but many are lookin to Bush this year on accounta 9/11 changin everythin. "Ook ook," adds Mittens.

So who will win Pennsylvania accordin to Fafblog's hard-hittin analysis? We flipped a coin, heads for George Bush tails for John Kerry. It rolled away an fell in the sewer. Congratulations underground rat people! Expect 21 electoral votes come November!

posted by fafnir at 8:34 PM

"They say they might make flyin cars," says me. "It might solve the problem of ground-based traffic accidents by relocatin them to the sky!"
"Very true," says Giblets. "But Giblets is not interested in that. How cool will these flyin cars be? Will they be Back to the Future cool or merely Jetsons cool?"
"We must make our world a cool world," says me. "I have always thought it is important to leave this world a little more entertaining than it was when we found it."
"Which is why Giblets has agreed to kill Joan and Melissa Rivers," says Giblets. "For the sake of the children."
"The children are our future Giblets but will they be cool enough for our future?" says me. "Or should we make new an improved clone children for a bold new future of newness?"
"Yes!" says Giblets. "When cloning is legal Giblets will be able to finally give the world the one gift it has wanted of him: more Gibletses! Giblets shall create a thousand-strong army of loyal Gibclones who will serve in Giblets's Castle of Gibletses and adhere to Giblets's every instruction as only another Giblets could!"
"But Giblets," says me "how do you know that your Gibclones would not rebel and seize power to become their own Gibletses?"
"Impossible!" says Giblets. "My Gibclones would have to obey me by dint of my status as the One True Giblets, the Primum Giblete!"
"But your clones would be too ambitious Giblets," says me. "They would all go 'Giblets we are tired a bein second-tier Gibletses! We reject your First Giblethood an claim it for our own hooray for us we are Giblets!'"
"Then I would fight them off an defeat them!" says Giblets. "My shining force of Gibletosity would repel them an I would conquer the castle once again!"
"You can't Giblets," says me. "They have the strength of a thousand Gibletses an you are overwhelmed by their Gibletsness."
"Then I call on my Praetorian Gibletses!" says Giblets. "My special guard of Superclones of Giblets!"
"But they have betrayed you too," says me. "An worse they are all fightin with each other goin 'I wanna be Giblets' an 'No I will be Giblets' an 'Bow to SuperGibClone! Bow to SuperGibClone NOOOOW!'"
"Those lousy clones!" says Giblets. "Where did they get such insolence!"
"It is hard to say," says me. "It may be a side effect a bein so new an cool."
"I will escape from them with my rocket ship," says Giblets. "My rocket ship which is also a car an whose engine makes cool jazz insteada engine noise."
"Your rocket ship jazz car will not take you," says me. "You also made it a Giblets clone to increase its Gibletsiness an now it is in rebellion."
"Aaaa! Why did I do that?" says Giblets.
"To make it even cooler," says me.
"Damn me an my incredible brilliance!" says Giblets. "Now Giblets's hopes are dashed!"
"No they aren't!" says me. "I show up to rescue you in the Fafcar!"
"Y'mean the bus?" says Giblets.
"It is a really cool bus," says me. "It is a bus of tomorrow."
"The bus is lame," says Giblets.
"I don't think you give the bus nearly as much credit," says me. "It's this kinda thinkin that got you kicked outta your castle of Gibclones."
"Stupid Gibclones," says Giblets. "I miss my castle."
posted by fafnir at 10:17 AM

As Giblets types he is ensconced within his new Gibletsian pleasure palace, oiled and fed succulent delicacies by ornamental jewel-bedecked slaves of various genders and sexual orientations. When he is finished his thousand servants shall bring one of the world's last remaining pandas and boil it in gold for Giblets's dining pleasure!

How has Giblets finally found himself in the hedonistic luxurious pleasure-garden he always so richly deserved? Because Giblets is a blogger, that is how - and as a blogger he rides the electric current of The Now, the young and nubile energy of The New Medium coursing from his fingertips at lightning speed as he cripples the dinosaurs of Old Media forever with the pure power of his fresh, unencumbered take on today's events! We dance round the bloated beached corpse of CBS, plunge in our spears, and smear its blood upon our faces in celebration of the war hunt! HI-YIYIYIYIYI!

"But Giblets," you say because you are a fool who does not know the Unbridled Power of Blog, "blogs have yet to make or break a single story on their own; in fact they have only gotten mainstream attention thrown onto one story with the help of Matt Drudge." To which Giblets responds: listen Old Media fossil! Stay outta Giblets's way! You are a fat bald bloated newspaper person made of newspaper and he is a svelte thirty-year-old sexpot typing on a computer that you're too old to understand, old man! All you can do is "investigate" "news." Giblets comments upon it with the speed of writing!

And Giblets does not care that his recklessly fevered postings may not be as reasoned or sedate as the commentary of William Safire or Chris Matthews or retain the journalistic integrity of Judith Miller or Robert Novak! Giblets is an unhinged cyclone of runaway electronic opinion and nothing can stand in his way!

Now Giblets will return to the world that his illustrious blogging success has brought him: life as an unending rap video, surrounded by polished mansions, swimming pools in limousines and limousines in swimming pools, endless bouncing buttocks, and improbable amounts of tacky yet expensive jewelry. Bow before the Blogosphere! Bow before the Blogosphere NOOOOOOOOW!

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posted by Giblets at 6:48 AM
Friday, September 24, 2004

And so the inevitable has arrived. John Kerry and the Bush Administration's critics have fully embraced the notion that America would be safer had there been no invasion of Iraq. A facile charge, to be sure... for given the apparent turmoil of the Iraq project, the impending slide towards outright civil war and chaos, it is simplicity itself to declare that the entire enterprise was fatally flawed from the start, that one would happily exchange the current spiralling wreck for a defanged, contained Saddam.
Simplicity itself... if one does not possess the wisdom and vision of the Medium Lobster.

Longtime readers of Fafblog will know that the Medium Lobster, like all beings who transcend the limitations of what you refer to as "space" and "time," sees not merely what has occured, but what will occur, what might occur, and what might have occured, had only the flow of history gone differently. It is in this capacity that the Medium Lobster is currently assisting the CIA in its report on possible Iraqi weapons of mass destruction, and it is in this capacity that the Medium Lobster invites you all to see what would have become of the Mideast, America, and the world had the United States not invaded Iraq… let us look into the unrealized reality of…

…SADDAM UNLEASHED! In the months after America’s decision not to invade, Saddam Hussein is emboldened by the superpower’s lack of resolve, and finds himself determined to strike at its weak underbelly! While a strict inspection regime has deprived him of his chemical, biological, and nuclear weapons programs, Saddam is armed with a fierce hatred of the United States and its freedoms… and a determination to obtain the weapons to assault those freedoms!

Within months, and at the vicious urgings of their dictator, Iraqi scientists make an astonishing breakthrough – the creation of deadly weapons of mass destruction fueled by Iraq’s dangerously large stockpile of civilians and desert sand! Especially potent when loaded with children and the elderly, the weapons are praised by the Butcher of Baghdad – who promptly unleashes CIVSAND-tipped missiles against Israel and Iran, destroying their capitals and crippling their infrastructures!

Faced with a growing Saddam empire in the mideast, the Bush administration is hypocritically attacked by the same leftists who opposed its plan to reduce Baghdad’s deadly supply of civilians – a supply made even greater by the U.S. military’s dismantling of al Qaeda! “If only Osama bin Laden were still running free,” says maverick GOP senator John McCain, “then maybe Iraqi human proliferation would never have gotten this far!”

Relying on the broad, international coalition formed in the wake of 9/11, America and its allies go to war with the new and terrifying empire of Dictaterrostan – and are promptly crushed as overwhelming force proves to be no match for the small, light, nimble forces of Saddam’s troops, which are capable of prosecuting multiple wars simultaneously! In fact, by dispatching five men in speedboats to every NATO member nation, Saddam brings the transatlantic alliance crashing down in disarray!

Within weeks, a weeping George Bush, chained and shackled before a burning Washington Monument by two members of the Fedayeen Saddam armed with only Swiss Army knives and wetsuits, begs his nation for forgiveness as he surrenders to the laughing tyrant, who tears up the constitution and dispatches an occupying force of thirty Republican Guards to hold the country while it undergoes its dark transformation into Islamofascism. Sitting in their cells in the Christopher Hitchens Memorial Gulag, Howard Dean and Michael Moore wipe tears from their eyes, wonder how they could have lead the nation so astray, and hope that one day, from the ashes of their old America will rise a new country with the courage to preventively invade states that pose no realistic threat to it. Ah, but the hour grows long, and even the Medium Lobster dares look no further, and that is a story for another time.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 11:19 PM
Thursday, September 23, 2004

Well it looks like presidential pollin just got controversial again - somethin that hasn't happened since they took the Miss America crown away from John Zogby for posin nude in Hustler! A buncha polls say that the presidential race is even an a buncha polls say that George Bush is ahead by about a squillion percent. Which polls are right? Which polls are wrong? Which polls are the most fun polls ever?

The answer to all those questions is the Fafblog National Presidential Poll, the only poll the experts turn to around presidential race time! An we have finally compiled all the data an are ready to release it! Here are the results:
George Bush: 25%
John Kerry: 0%
Giblets: 50%
Undecided: 25%

(sample size: 4. margin of error: 0%.)
Wow! those are some astonishin results! Let's take a closer look at the data.

As we can clearly see Giblets has a commandin lead in the race more than double his nearest challengers. This is due to Giblets's excellent performance with the key swing vote of crazy ol guy on the street corner who appeared to respond well to Giblets's "Vote For Giblets And Get This Can A Soup" initiative.

At this point if the race were held today Giblets would clearly be the winner. But don't count the others out just yet! George Bush has been runnin a "Giblets-lite" style campaign so far an may just turn out to be a spoiler in November, pullin off enough Giblets votes to throw the race to Undecided who is still very much in the race.

Sadly John Kerry is not even registerin in our polls. The Kerry campaign would not comment on whether they were gonna drop out of the race but this could be because we couldn't find their number in the phone book.

(Chris was all "blah blah you didn't count my vote blah" but Chris we were only countin likely voters an you are only a registered voter. I am sorry but that is the way it goes.)
posted by fafnir at 6:37 PM

Greetings, my fellow higher beings and supermen. It is the Medium Lobster's great honor to convene this meeting of the Hall of Justice.

As you all know, we were entrusted three years ago by George W. Bush with rings of mystical power, which would harness the awesome energies of Free Emotions such as Hope, Dignity, and Resolve into potent forces to use to break up terrorist cells, secure and stabilize Iraq, and spread democracy throughout the world. And we have indeed been successful. Who could forget when Captain Fortitude destroyed an entire al Qaeda training camp with one blast of his Determination-Vision, or when Freedom Woman used her enhanced Optimism Senses to uncover the location of terrorist cell in Pakistan?

However, the Medium Lobster has not come to celebrate old victories. Indeed, we face a grave danger in Iraq - one that can no longer be ignored. As violence in the country has increased dramatically, we must act, while there is still time, to bolster the spirits of the American public. For the project of Freedom in Iraq is endangered not by armed guerillas and terrorists, but by the deadly force of Pessimism.

For just as Hope, Dignity, and Resolve are focused through our mystical power rings to become intense and powerful beams of super-force, so is Pessimism channeled by the dark and powerful mystics of our foes into terrifying powers.

Indeed, it was only last week that the evil Doctor Jihad used his Crystal Orb of Negativity to summon massive car bombings throughout the country. And it was only within the last few days that the maniacal Islamobot used its deadly Press Accounts Of American Casualties Ray to decapitate more American hostages.

Iraqis recognize the danger, and they are refuting Pessimism. For they know that negative attitudes, and not a massive, violent nationalist and religious insurgency, are the true threats to freedom and democracy within this new and independent state.

But thus far, Iraqis and the Bush Administration have been fighting pessimism on their own. It is time we answered the call and took this fight directly to the enemy, to the source of pessimism itself: the news media.

Only by knocking out the Council of Terror's gloominess supply at its source will we win this war. It will take everything we have to beat the terrifying and oppressive forces of the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, the Washington Post, and Salon.com. But by combining the pure energy of our power rings of Liberty, Courage, Resoluteness, Propaganda, Massive Media Monopolies, Corporate Kickbacks, and Election Fraud, victory can be ours.

Let's roll.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 11:46 AM

There is a voice an some jinglin bells comin down from the chimney. "Oh no!" says me. "Santa!"

"Ho ho ho!" says the fat man in the chimney with the jolly green suit. "Don't be afraid little Fafnir! It's not ordinary Santa - it's me, Supply-Side Santa, come to fill your home with Christmas cheer!"
"Oh wow!" says me. "But Supply-Side Santa it is not Christmas yet, it is only September."
"Oh ho ho, but Fafnir, every day is Christmas for Supply-Side Santa!" says Supply-Side Santa. "Now, have you been a rich little boy this year?"
"I have saved an saved," says me, "an I have three dollars sixty-two cents an a rice krispie treat! Do I get a present?"
"Actually, Fafnir, I'm here to take your old presents!" says Supply-Side Santa. "Supply-Side Santa gave all his presents away to super-rich children, and that didn't come cheap! Now Supply-Side Santa has to take your model airplane and your teddy bear to finance future Christmases."
"Awwwww," says me. "Supply-Side Christmas is ruined."
"Why, that's not true at all!" says Supply-Side Santa. "Because eventually those super-rich children will pass down their presents to less-rich children, who will pass them down to you, thus growing the Christmas spirit!"
"Wow! Everybody wins!" says me. "It's a Christmas miracle!"
"Almost as much of a miracle as Social Security privatization!" says Supply-Side Santa. "Someday your payroll taxes won't just pay for your granddad's retirement. They'll pay for your retirement, too - through the miracle of Christmas Spirit!"
"But Santa if I'm payin taxes for Grampa Fafnir's retirement an they change it so I'm payin taxes for my own retirement where will we get the money to keep retirin old people like him?" says me.
"Ho ho! That's simple, Fafnir!" says Supply-Side Santa. "It'll be made by elves - the same elves who'll cut the deficit in half in four years!"
"That's great Supply-Side Santa!" says me. "I will be waitin right here by the chimney for my presents an Social Security benefits!"
"Oh ho ho! Don't hold your breath now!" says Supply-Side Santa while he's takin my stuff in the name a Christmas cheer. "These things sometimes take a while."
"It's OK," says me. "I'm still waitin for Supply-Side Christmas from a couple years ago an I still haven't given up!"
"Good for you, Fafnir!" says Supply-Side Santa with a twinkle in his eye as he jumps in the fireplace. "Merry tax cuts to all, and to all a good night!"
posted by fafnir at 7:47 AM
Tuesday, September 21, 2004

Giblets is nervous! For everywhere around him there are Muslims. Strange and deadly Muslims who seek his fiery destruction!

Just yesterday Giblets was on the bus headin' towards the Stop & Shop when I noticed that right across the aisle from me were sittin' Muslims. And they were engaged in something of a contemplative nature, similar to prayer! Now why else would they pray - to their fiendish terrorist bomb god who is made of bombs - unless they were right about to spring into action with their spring-loaded action prayer plan to personally detonate a bomb inside Giblets? Truly these madmen will stop at nothing!

Fortunately with Giblets's kung-fu grip he was able to wrestle the Muslims to the ground and disarm them of their Korans and their presumably exploding kufis. But that was not the end of it! For even after the driver had pulled the bus over and alerted the proper authorities, Giblets faced even more Islamist treachery at the supermarket, where he found a can of Coke coverd in ominous, swirly-lookin' letters!

Islam - in Giblets's precious sugared beverage drinks?! It is unthinkable but true, for when Giblets flung the can of Islamist Coke across the store it to save himself and his countrymen it exploded upon impact with the wall! So shaken up was Giblets that security people had to escort him from the realm of foodery for Giblets's own safety.

What could be next? Where is all this Islam coming from? It is not like there are seven million Muslims in America or anything! Giblets is crouching behind the sofa with his torch and pitchfork waiting for any signs of dangerous religious otherness. If Mohammed Ali or Cat Stevens show up Giblets will be prepared.
posted by Giblets at 7:12 PM

So me an Giblets were down at the mall buyin oil at the oil store - "Only $47 a barrel!" says Giblets, "What a steal!" - but we also stopped to take a look at other stuff to buy. When you buy stuff you aren't just buyin stuff. You are makin an investment! An investment in a future in which you have more stuff!

"There's a sale on at the cell phone store," says me. "Buy one cell phone get another cell phone at the same price."
""Not good enough!" says Giblets. "Giblets needs more than two cell phones. He needs six or seven or a dozen cell phones. He needs to wear them in a bandolier around his chest!"
"Giblets you just got a cell phone last month," says me. "It is a brand new cell phone."
"It is last month's cell phone!" says Giblets throwin his cell phone into a pit where it explodes. “It is the cell phone of yesterday. Giblets must swim in the electric current of today! His stuff must be of the moment!"
"You put too much pressure on your stuff Giblets," says me. "I just bought circus peanuts! Their deliciousness will never become obsolete."
"Your circus peanuts are old an featureless!" says Giblets. "Giblets wants a phone that can take video an do email an control the sea! Giblets craves products an abilities far beyond those of mortal men!"
"They're comin out with a new kinda circus peanut," says me. "One that's shaped like a circus."
"Does it have Bluetooth?" says Giblets. "Can it split the mighty atom?"
"I dunno," says me. "I do not know much about its capabilities."
"The products of the future will have all the capabilities of all the other products of the future!" says Giblets. "Phones will receive TV signals. Families will talk over the TV. Your car will drive on the internet! Your computer will drive an juice oranges an carry up to four armed nuclear warheads! And Giblets shall own them all!"
"Wow!" says me. "That sounds like a better future. Or a more expensive one even!"
"Yes an the best part is as soon as Giblets purchases his future-goods new futuregoods will have already been created!" says Giblets. "An then he can throw all of his old, useless, just-purchased things into a mighty landfill which will dump them straight into the earth's core to never be seen again by the eyes of man, an buy a whole new set of things to start all over with!"
"Now I feel bad about my investment," says me. "Like my circus peanuts should spit lasers or somethin."
"They are an inferior product," says Giblets. "You are only investin in deliciousness. Giblets is investing in a world made a cell phones!"
"In a world made a cell phones, your feet are always just a phone call away," says me.
"In a world made a cell phones, when you ring the world rings with you," says Giblets.
"In a world made a cell phones you can play Tetris with your toxic waste!" says me.
"It will be a dual use apocalpyse," says Giblets.
"Hey, if I throw my circus peanuts hard enough they can hurt someone!" says me. "That's kinda like havin a weapon-food feature."
"Better," says Giblets, "but can it explode in a Baghdad marketplace?"
"There's always time to improve I guess," says me.
posted by fafnir at 3:53 PM
Monday, September 20, 2004

Despite the malicious and obviously wrongheaded criticisms of partisan hacks like John Kerry, John McCain, Chuck Hagel, and the National Intelligence Estimate, George Bush remains "pleased with the progress" in Iraq. And so he should be - for that country's bright, steady march towards civil war and impending anarchy offers hope to the rest of the world.

It is here that we see the administration's plan for Iraq coming together. As George Bush himself has always pointed out, the United States invaded Iraq in order to liberate it - to give it freedom. And indeed, freedom is spreading like wildfire throughout the Mesopotamian countryside.

That Iraq has been freed from the tyranny of an evil dictator is obvious. But it has been freed from basic utilities such as electricity and clean water; freed from stability by growing clusters of Iraqi insurgents; and one day, when American troops leave - or are forced to leave - Iraq, America will have freed Iraq from liberation itself.

Some point to indicators like the latest National Intelligence Estimate and claim that George Bush is behaving like a deluded fool, that Iraq is not headed for a democracy, that instead it is barreling towards a civil war. But the Bush Administration has always had a much loftier goal in Iraq than the building of a "democracy"; it is, in fact, spreading Freedom. And what, the Medium Lobster asks, can be more liberating than chaos?

But as always, the Medium Lobster desires more. Yes, Iraq is becoming Free, and Afghanistan, caught between rival warlords and Taliban guerillas, has been free for years. But when will the Bush administration bring this level of Freedom to the rest of the world? China, Russia, Norway, Australia, England - none of these countries have been liberated from the constraints of stable government. Indeed, even the level of Freedom within the United States of America seems to pale before the bright future of warring Shiite, Sunni, and Kurdish factions that seems to welcome Iraq. The promotion of Freedom must begin at home, after all. The Medium Lobster expects the establishment of a federally-funded American Mahdi Army to be George Bush's top priority in his second term. Freedom, after all, is spreading like a sunrise.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 10:47 PM

So it turns out that the Republican National Committee is tellin folks that Democrats will ban Bibles an allow gay marriage if they get elected. Now I remember thinkin that the 2003 Kennedy-Lucifer Bible Banning And Forced Homosexuality Act was probly a bad move from the Democrats but it looks like the Republicans are really playin it up.

What role does religion really play in politics? Are Republicans more Jesusy? Are Democrats more evil? Fafblog decided to get a hold of two of the biggest names in politics right now to find out.

FAFBLOG: It's good to see you again God! We don't hang out much now that you've hit it big.
GOD: Thy God is an Awesome God, Fafnir - and a very busy one as well! For the next few weeks The Great I AM will be occupied on the campaign trail in Florida, Ohio, and Michigan! The Lord thy God will be appearing as a pillar of fire at a Bush rally in Dayton tomorrow, then it's off to Tallahassee to slay the firstborn at an RNC luncheon!
FB: Well you are a very charismatic slayer God I am sure you will do just fine. But why do you like the Republicans so much?
GOD: Because they are lead by George Walker Bush, My one and only political hack, in whom I am well-pleased! Only through them can My Divine Will be manifest: salvation of all Mankind through school prayer, ineffectual proxy wars, oil drilling in the Alaska National Wildlife Refuge, and the institution of the flat tax!
FB: Well that does sound like a very godly platform God!
GOD: It is! And it is the only thing which can stand in its way is the Democratic Party - the foul left arm of My demonic arch-foe, Satan!
FB: Oh no! Not Satan!
SATAN: BLAAAAAAAARRRGH! Yes, by Beelzebub's blistered backside! The Democratic Party has been my greatest tool in the corruption and destruction of Man since the days of FDR, but now it stands ready to realize my darkest dreams! First will come gay marriage, then the banning of the Bible, then the scorching of the earth before the Beast of the Bottomless Pit, and then - THEN - UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE FOR ALL! MWA-HAHAHAHA!
FB: Oh no! Not health care!
GOD: The fallen one speaks in blasphemies! For he knows it is written in the Commandments, "Thou shalt not socialize medicine, for Thy God is the friend of rugged bootstrappers and insurance companies, and the enemy of government handouts."
FB: But what about gay marriage God? I thought it was good cause it was civil rights an stuff.
GOD: Thou hast been corrupted by a treacherous conspiracy of immoral liberal educators, Fafnir! For I have found Gayness to be Icky in Mine sight, and damnable to the pits of darkest perdition, just like the eating of shrimp!
FB: We can't eat shrimp? But it is so tasty!
SATAN: RAAAAAAAAARRRGH! And every juicy morsel you taste earns you eternal torment in the lake of burning excrement, where the triple-headed demon-dogs of Dis will gnaw at your boiling entrails forever!
GOD: Yes, and a pity I left that one out of the New Testament. Two thousand years' worth of Christians gone to waste.
FB: What can we do to make sure that American politics is Godly politics?
GOD: Vote for Godly Republicans, like Tom Coburn and Alan Keyes! You will know them by Mine mark: they will be alight with the Holy Spirit, and shall speak in strange tongues - equating the estate tax with slavery, and calling for the death penalty for doctors who perform abortions on rape victims!
SATAN: No, Fafnir, listen to me, and be seduced to the Dark Side by my vile policies of nuclear non-proliferation, equality of all citizens, and fiscal discipline! BLAAARRRRHHH!
FB: Get thee behind me Satan! I will resist your wiley budget hawkery!
GOD: Good work, thou good and faithful blogger! But your work does not end with simple spiritual resistence, or with even a vote for Bush! You must donate generously to Bush, and of course join the Presidential Prayer Team as quickly as possible! It is crucial that as many people pray for My president and his cabinet officials and undersecretaries as possible!
FB: But I thought you heard all prayers God no matter how small.
GOD: Blasphemy! If you only pray once to Me, I may not hear it - or it may be cancelled out by another prayer! Remember when you were little and you prayed that I would get you that toy train set for Christmas?
FB: Yes I did! I wanted that train set oh so much!
GOD: Well a little Muslim boy in Pakistan was specifically praying to Me for you NOT to get that train set, and thus the prayers cancelled out!
SATAN: YAAAARRGH! Yes, and now, like all unanswered prayers, yor toy train set belongs to Satan! AHAHAHAHAHA!
FB: That lousy little Muslim boy! Why would he do somethin like that?
GOD: To destroy the West! Which is why you have to pray for George W. Bush, Fafnir - because the Islamists are praying to Me for Satan's Democrats to win!
SATAN: And by Hell's teeth, I grow stronger with each one of their prayers! A militant imam in Iran has just moved Kerry up two points in Florida! HRAAAAAAAARH!
FB: But God can't you just not listen to bad prayers?
GOD: Sadly, no, for the King of Kings and Lord of Lords has made commitments to a number of other political organizations as well... al Qaeda, Hezbollah, Hamas, Islamic Jihad... God is on their sides, too, Fafnir.
SATAN: BLAAAARRGGH! But Satan is not without his own allies! In addition to the DNC, I have the godless coalition of the Green Party, the ACLU, and the UN, and with them I shall bring to fruition my nightmarish hellworld of internationalism and civic equality!
FB: We will stop you somehow, Satan! Won't we God?
GOD: Yes, with the power of the Holy Spirit - and by smearing Satan's Vietnam record.

It is an honor as always to be able to sit down with two old pros like God an Satan. Don't forget to pick up a copy of God's new book "Vote For Us Or Burn In Hell!"
posted by fafnir at 10:54 AM
Sunday, September 19, 2004

"I think we are lost in this desert," says me. "These cactuses are not our familiar cactuses burstin with color an vitamins."
"These cactuses are strange foreign cactuses," says Giblets, "which do not share our values an sense a moral decency."
"We shouldn't have taken the rickshaw," says me. "The rowboat has a much better navigational system."
"Nuts to your rowboat!" says Giblets. "Giblets is not satisfied unless he travels by way of a caravan of armored war-elephants, festooned with gold, rubies, and baklava!"
"See if we did that we'd just be lost in the desert with your elephants like last time," says me. "An they'd just be goin 'Giblets we need peanuts an water an hoops to leap through' an they would eat all the baklava."
"Lousy whiney elephants!" says Giblets. "Giblets cannot be lost! Giblets sets forth with purpose an clarity an bestrides the narrow world like a collosus an stuff! He does not get lost!"
"It's not so bad bein lost," says me. "Bein lost is like takin a vacation from knowin what you're doin."
"Giblets always knows what he's doin!" says Giblets. "He traverses the parkin lot with resolute determination! He conquers the supermarket!"
"An when you are lost you get to see all sortsa interestin things that are also lost," says me. "Like right here with this rock an this golf cart an this can a spam an Treasury Secretary John Snow."
"Hello," says Treasury Secretary John Snow. "Have you seen my tuba?"
"Nuts to your tuba!" says Giblets. "Giblets rejects his lostness! He believes we have reached the Feast of Kings an that they have welcomed us with bejeweled goblets."
"We are late for the Feast of Kings as it is," says me. "I think the Kings have left Denny's by now."
"Then Giblets rejects his lostness by rejecting his destination!" says Giblets. "The Kings will meet us here, an they will welcome us with bejeweled cactuses."
"There's a lost ice cream truck over there," says me. "I'm gonna get me some ice cream!"
"Nuts to your ice cream!" says Giblets. "I'm not gonna waste my time eatin rocket-pops when I could be entertained by Kings!"
"I'll get you a fudgcicle," says me.
"Greetings, Kings!" says Giblets. "Giblets raises this cactus to you in toast to Giblets!"
"I need peanuts," says the tuba.

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posted by fafnir at 10:18 AM
Saturday, September 18, 2004

Giblets is triumphant! Or rather the right-wing loony edge of the blogosphere is triumphant, and Giblets is triumphant as its spokesleader-tyrant!

We have sorta-maybe-not-really debunked the notion that memos suggesting that lazy, survival-seeking slacker George Bush was a lazy slacker seeking to survive the Vietnam War are in fact preposterous forgeries! Victory for us! And we did it all by ourselves, without any puppetry or string-pulling from White House operatives at all! Long live the unbridled power of the lone internet blogger!

But it is not enough! Giblets has been wronged, and worse, his belief in a superhero president who shoots bullets out of his nipples at the Islamist hordes has been likewise wronged! And for that Giblets must demand bloody restitution!

Bring Giblets the head of Dan Rather, severed and lathered with stuffed apples and fine spices and scented with perfumes, upon a silver platter! Bring it to Giblets at once, mainstream media, or forever prove yourself to be the partisan lackeys of your radical leftist corporate paymasters! Giblets will not rest until he tastes the blood of the reporter who broke JFK's death and covered the '68 Chicago convention riots!

All of this has confirmed once again Giblets's belief that everything George Bush has screwed up in the last four years has just been the result of dark media manipulation. Giblets bets those one thousand dead American troops were forgeries, too!

Well, Giblets will not rest until malicious liars like Dan Rather are replaced by respectable, responsible journalists who treasure our country and national security! What's that delightful Robert Novak doing these days?
posted by Giblets at 10:38 AM

Today I was sittin in the bathroom about to brush my teeth like usual when James Dobson's Focus on the Family runs in all important-like an says "Stop! Crest toothpaste tacitly supports gay marriage!"

"It's true!" says Giblets. "Our toothpaste is gay!"
"Crest toothpaste have you been hidin this all along?" I says to the toothpaste. "Why didn't you tell us? We would still love you, we are your consumers."
"Giblets will not have gay toothpaste livin under his roof!" says Giblets. "Buyin gay toothpaste is unnatural. Giblets has been told that it violates the sanctity of buyin stuff!"
"Giblets this is a time to be supportive," says me. "Besides many of our products are probably gay includin Lemon-Fresh Dawn an Pringles."
"Not Pringles!" says Giblets. "Has the insidiousness of Gay so polluted consumer culture that once Giblets pops he cannot stop - without consuming the homosexual political agenda? Giblets must protect his precious commercial fluids!"

It looks like this is gonna be another heartbreakin story of torn families in our divided nation. But I for one am gonna reach out to my soap an potato chips an try my best to understan them.
posted by fafnir at 1:56 AM
Tuesday, September 14, 2004

The Medium Lobster has been heartened to see even more good news coming out of Iraq. To some, seventy-three dead and a hundred wounded in a single day of bombings and guerilla attacks would stand as a sign of a worsening quagmire confronting an administration whose policies on Iraq and terror seem at best incoherent and at worst markedly destructive. But to the enlightened, increasing terror in Iraq means that the administration's Iraq policy is finally working - by beginning to use up the world's supply of terrorists.

As Gregg Easterbrook has noted, the invasion of Iraq "is having the unintended consequence of drawing terrorists and killers to that country, where our army can fight them on our terms." Indeed, the world's finite supply of terrorists is now concentrated in one country where it can be disposed of with relative ease.

Islamic terrorists, as most experts recognize, are not ordinary, radicalized muslims which can be recruited from anywhere in the world. All terrorists, in fact, are sophisticated androids carefully assembled in al Qaeda robotics factories, overseen by diligent al Qaeda engineers. But production of a fully-trained terrorbot is expensive, and indeed, the al Qaeda budget has been pushed to the breaking point in an attempt to put out enough terrorbots to overrun Iraq. And it is there, fighting and destroying these terrorbots on their own terms, that the US military can defeat al Qaeda: by using up their supply of terrorists until the organization is too bankrupt to continue their construction.

The Medium Lobster urges courage, for the longer the US military remains bogged down in this desperate debacle, the safer America will be. After all, with all these terrorists in another country far away, it is inconceivable that there would be any left to strike at the United States.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 10:16 PM

There is a hurricane an we are eatin the corndogs. Chris does not seem to understand the connection so we try to spell it out a little clearer.

"See, Giblets applied as a candidate to eat your corndogs," says me.
"Your delicious tasty corndogs," says Giblets full a corndog. "They are all Giblets's now!"

Chris goes on about how they are his corndogs an this is ridiculous, Giblets can't just go an eat them, etc. Chris does not seem to understand procedural corndog matters much.

"Chris while we took into consideration your ruling on Giblets an your corndogs, we could not account for the hurricane," says me.
"Yes, Chris," says Giblets. "Some people are wrestling with the forces of nature right now."
"The hurricane which made us postpone the hearing where we would review the status of your corndogs," says me.

Chris is all flustery an goin on about what does a hurricane have to do with his corndogs. Chris is bein so unreasonable.

"Chris we respect the rule of corndog law regardin your corndogs," says me. "But while that process goes on we can't put ourselves in the position where the ministerial role of Giblets eatin your corndogs can't be fulfilled."
"An so here we are," says Giblets. "Giblets would offer you a corndog but we only have so many left Chris. An you have been so partisan with your keepin me from your corndogs with your dirty tricks."
"Can I have a corndog Giblets?" says me.
"Have a couple, Fafnir," says Giblets. "Giblets can't eat them all."
posted by fafnir at 8:33 PM

At last, the Medium Lobster has found a leader willing to do what it takes to win the global war on terrorism - and that leader is Vladimir Putin.

Putin's latest anti-terror measures include the elimination of free elections for both regional governors and the Duma, the lower house of Russia's legislative body. With governors now directly appointed by the president and candidates for the legislature selected from party rolls, Putin has wisely and efficiently curtailed democracy in Russia - thus eliminating a potent weapon that remains at terrorists' disposal within the United States.

Putin has clearly seen the threat that Chechen terrorists would pose to his nation and its freedom should they stand for elected office and win. Indeed, there is no end to the terrorist budget appropriations that a Terrorist Party legislator could foist upon an unsuspecting public. But Vladimir Putin, with the insight and moral clarity so praised by George Bush, has pre-emptively cut off terrorist access to these weapons of mass election, and by so doing, has struck another blow for Freedom.

This is a lesson that other nations could certainly learn from - if they were bold enough. As the Medium Lobster has noted before, democracy in the United States is no friend of Freedom. Indeed, it is still quite conceivable that John Kerry could catalyze a new terrorist assault on Freedom itself by winning the presidential election and irresponsibly taking an effective, multilateral, asymmetrical approach to fighting a multilateral, asymmetrical threat. To make certain that George Bush's steadfast adherence to Cold War-style proxy wars as a tactic to fighting a decentralized, hydra-headed foe holds over the next four years, America may have to show the same strength and resolve Vladimir Putin has shown this week. Godspeed, President Putin, and may no basic tenets of liberty stand in your way.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 10:55 AM

I'm sittin at the bus stop waitin for the bus on my way to collectin my prize which I may have already won! Isn't this excitin? Is it a moose? Is it a blender? Is it a gorilla? Is it a bronze bust of Louis XIV? Is it a lifetime supply of sourdough bread? I am really lookin forward to my prize!

Also at the bus stop is an ol lady an a dog an a man bein attacked by a bigofoot an a can a soup. I wonder where the can a soup came from! Is it somebody else's prize? What kinda soup is it? If I push it over a little I could see the label better but I do not want to push my boundaries because it could belong to the ol lady or the dog or the man bein attacked by the bigfoot or the can a soup.

What if when I get there they give me a choice between two different prizes like between a moose an a gorilla? That could be too difficult how could I choose! Maybe I could get em to give me one a those new moorillas which would be not quite as good as a moose or a gorilla but would have a little bit a both. Maybe it will be a chess set. Maybe it will be a box of delicious Life cereal which is my favorite cereal! I have brought a carton of milk just in case.

"Down boy," I says to the dog. "Help!" says the man bein attacked by the bigfoot. Some people just do not know how to responsibly handle their prize.
posted by fafnir at 8:10 AM
Monday, September 13, 2004

Well, Giblets just got off the phone with North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il (we're pen pals) and y'know that enormous explosion that was accompanied by a mushroom cloud that turned up in Yanggang province a couple days ago? It's all gravy, man. Nothin' to worry about. And definitely - DEFINITELY - not a nuke.

"Nukes? Oh-ho-ho!" Jongy says with the hearty nervous chuckle that has won him the hearts of oppressed and brainwashed subjects everywhere. "Oh-ho-ho! Why, we've no nukes here Giblets! I think! Let me check what day it is."

Nothin' to see here. Probably just a really big fireworks display.
posted by Giblets at 11:19 AM

Well we at Fafblog are always tryin to bring you the hard-hittin news day in an day out. Lately a buncha questions have come up about George Bush's National Guard which may turn out to be the turnin point of the whole campaign. But only one person can answer that question - the 1970s IBM Selectric Composer typewriter!

FAFBLOG: Well it is an honor to have you on our blog today sir.
IBM SELECTRIC COMPOSER: *tokka tokka tokka DING tokka tokka*
FB: Now IBM Selectric, I need to ask you straight out: did you type these documents from the Texas Air National Guard?
IBM SELECTRIC: *tokka tokka CH-CHUNG tokka tokka DING*
FB: You are bein a little evasive here IBM.
IBM: *tok tok tokka tokka DING*
FB: IBM Selectric you must come clean! Where was George Bush durin his National Guard days? If I do not know what George Bush did durin the Vietnam War I will never be able to judge his administration today!
IBM SELECTRIC: *DING DING tokka tokka DING CH-CHUNG*
FB: You can't intimidate me with your loud angry rhetoric an your threatenin typefaces IBM Selectric! Who are you coverin up for?
IBM SELECTRIC: *DING tokka tokka tok CH-CHUNG CH-CHUNG tok KRRRNRHCH*
FB: Do not paper jam on me now! We need your answers! You are the last hope of Truth!
IBM SELECTRIC: *KRRRNNRNCH*

Well it seems like there are no lengths some people will go to to evade the press. But do not worry! Fafblog will be on the case interrogatin page after page of 1970s fonts an typewriters for the next month if we have to until we come to the bottom of what various papers say our presidential candidates were doin thirty years ago!

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posted by fafnir at 9:28 AM
Sunday, September 12, 2004

We think Chris is broken. He's kinda layin on the floor makin funny gurglin noises an mumblin to himself.

"Get up Chris!" says me. "You have to go to work!"
"Very true," says Giblets. "This is not your commie Labor Day when you rest an celebrate bein lazy. It is Laborin Day an you must labor!"

Chris gurgles some more. It is alright this is a normal reaction.

"Chris if you do not go to work Jesus will not reward your Protestant Work Ethic," says me.
"Yes you will never impress Jesus by lyin meekly on the floor there gurglin," says Giblets. "You must toil an sweat! Your productivity makes Jesus happy."
"An then when you die you can get into Protestant Work Heaven!" says me. "Where you will stitch an package athletic shoes for ten cents an hour for export to various parts of the world."
"But if you work hard enough an long enough you will get noticed," says Giblets. "Like if Jesus drops his wallet some time an you're like 'hot damn Jesus's wallet' but insteada rippin off Jesus you give im back his wallet."
"An Jesus is so impressed with your simple minded honesty an your can-do spirit that he lets you marry his pretty daughter an you become vice-president of the company!" says me.

Chris does not seem to have absorbed our advice. He is still lyin in a corner makin funny noises.

"Maybe he is broken," says me.
"This is what you get for bein lazy at work Chris!" says Giblets.
"Maybe we should poke im with sticks," says me. "I bet that would help."

So we poke im with sticks for the rest a the day.
posted by fafnir at 11:16 AM
Thursday, September 9, 2004

I am now in quite a pickle over who to vote for. I was boppin back n forth between George Bush an his deep heartland values an John Kerry an his actually bein able to run a country an I just could not figure it out but then these Kitty Kelley rumors came up an it just blew my squishy little mind!

The Poor Man says there are other scandals out there like a half-trillion dollar deficit an a phony war an such but before I could always balance those out with George Bush's brush-clearin skills an godly faith which could always resolve serious security concerns an international crises. Like what if you open your door one day an there is like thousands a yards a hostile brush outside - terrorist brush - an you are all "Oh no brush!" With all due respect to John Kerry I do not think his skill in international relations an killin Viet Cong could help us out with that crisis, I think right there we would need George Bush to clear that brush before it endangers our freedom.

Or what if Jesus comes back but is hit by radioactive rays an turns into radioactive monster MegaMechaJesus an goes on a rampage destroyin cities an such? It would take a leader of strong inner Jesusy faith to negotiate with the mutant Son of God before he seriously disrupts international stability.

But now all that is up in the air! What if George Bush really did have a coke habit an he is chasin down Osama bin Laden some day an he is closin in on Osama bin Laden an goin "oh I'll get you Osama bin Laden" an Osama bin Laden drops a bag a coke an George Bush is so overpowered by his desire to snort coke that he lets Osama get away?

Or what if George an Laura Bush really did smoke pot in the seventies? This could change everythin because I want to think of my president as a president I could have a beer with but I am not quite comfortable smokin pot with my president. I would have to smoke pot with all of his pot friends which means smokin up with like Dick Cheney an Karl Rove an Lewis "Scooter" Libby an they would probly start hittin me up for cash an I'd be all "but I do not have much cash on me Karl Rove" an Rove would be all "cmon Fafnir it's for tax relief, you like tax relief, dontcha" an then Cheney would get the muchies an eat the Congressional Budget Office or somethin.

So you can see how it would make my decision more difficult cause you can never compartmentalize bein a pothead in the seventies. Oh such weighty decisions!
posted by fafnir at 11:12 PM

Wow! Me an Giblets just busted outta Guantanamo Bay (where I tried to blog yesterday but couldnt - there is no wifi in Gitmo who knew!) by chewin through the gingerbread walls (the better to lure unsuspectin young terrorists inside! When Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld saw we were leavin he chased after us in his dress an his big warty nose but we pushed im into a pot where he melted away) an jumpin into our Confederate Flag-decorated orange Chrysler where we took off! Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge took after us in his beat-up ol cop car but it could not jump the river at Old McKinney's Bridge an he an his deputy Gordon England crashed into the muddy riverbank. "I'll get those Fafblog boys, consarnit!" ol Ridge said while a couple a pigs made funny snortin noises.
posted by fafnir at 10:44 AM

Lately the Medium Lobster has heard some fairly petty complaints coming from such quarters as Slate's William Saletan and the New York Times's Paul Krugman regarding the seriousness of George Bush's leadership. George Bush, they say, is arguing for his own re-election not on the basis of what he's actually accomplished, but on the basis of a heroic facade propped up by frequent invocations of 9/11 and war imagery, in a desperate bid to cover up four years of gross administrative incompetence.

But alas, like so many of the unenlightened, Saletan and Krugman miss the point by overlooking the single - but essential - presidential power George Bush posseses. He posseses the Power of the Glow.

When George Bush stood on a pile of rubble in New York City with a bullhorn, he was not standing up to terrorists; nor was he risking his life. He was Showing strength, if not using or applying or doing anything substantive with it - and by that Show of strength he emitted, from hidden Presidential glands secreted deep within his chest, a powerful radiating Symbolic Force that rippled throughout the world, confronting and striking back at the Symbols of Islamist Terror. It is only there, on the Iconic Plane, that the War on Terror can be won - it is, after all, a war of civilizations and ideologies, not a war of terrorist cells and counter-terrorist intelligence apparatus - and thus it is symbolic actions which matter, not petty, real-world results.

George Bush emitted the same symbolic glow in striking Iraq. No, al Qaeda was not in that country; no, Saddam Hussein possesed neither weapons of mass destruction nor meaningful ties to Osama bin Laden. But by demonstrating that he was willing to go to war somewhere - yes, even to ground the bulk of the armed forces in a nightmarish quagmire rife with religious and ethnic factions clawing at each other for control - George Bush was Showing his Seriousness in the war on terror. He didn't need to show his competence or his ability in fighting terror by actually stabilizing Iraq or pursuing al Qaeda instead; he just needed to Show his Seriousness by starting a war, since war, after all, is a very Serious business done by very Serious men, and making war against Arab Muslims somewhere in the world has therefore Shown Bush's Seriousness to the vast spirit of Symbolic Arab Muslim Terror.

There is one mistake the Medium Lobster can properly fault this President for, and that is for continuing to reside in the White House. Being not merely some hired civil servant whose effectiveness should be judged based on the effectiveness of his policies, the President should long ago have been mounted on the top of the Washington Monument, or still better, a thousand-foot-tall specially-constructed Presidential Spire facing the Atlantic, where the increased altitude would allow him to grit his face determinedly towards the Mideast and its den of Islamists twenty-four hours a day, projecting his Glow of Symbolic Strength outward to forever confront the oncoming menace. Until that project is completed, the Medium Lobster fears that George Bush has yet to truly Show his strength and determination in the face of the enemy.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 8:54 AM
Tuesday, September 7, 2004

Tom Ridge shows up at my house with armed Homeland Security Department officials. Good thing I just finished makin brownies!

"Fafnir, the United States Government is here to search for materials of a terrorist nature," says Tom Ridge.
"Cmon in Tom Ridge!" says me. "Would you like some brownies?"
"We are not interested in brownies, Fafnir," says Tom Ridge. "The Department of Homeland Security must sieze your absentee ballot before it can be used to aid and abet a terrorist attack on the United States."
"Are you sure you do not want brownies Tom Ridge?" says me. "They have peanut butter chips!"
Official Homeland Security Department ballot-sniffin dogs sniff my apartment an find my absentee ballot. "Aha!" says Tom Ridge. "Fafnir, by the authority placed in me by the Government and Jesus and many other large things, I'm placing you under arrest!"
"Oh no!" says me. "What for?"
"For plotting to vote for John Kerry!" says Tom Ridge. "As Vice President Cheney noted today, if John Kerry gets elected in November, 'we'll get hit again and we'll be hit in a way that will be devastating from the standpoint of the United States.' That means the election of John Kerry is the election of another terrorist attack. That means by voting for John Kerry you've participated in a terrorist conspiracy to attack the United States of America!"
"I am sorry Tom Ridge I had no idea!" says me.
"Ignorance of the law is no excuse!" says Tom Ridge.
"But I did not even completely vote for John Kerry!" says me. "I just kinda made a pencil mark there."
"Attempted terrorism is still a crime!" says Tom Ridge. Oh I wish he had just eaten the brownies!
"What if I vote for someone else?" says me. "Like President Bush or libertarian candidate Michael Badnarik?"
"Not good enough!" says Tom Ridge. "This is a war on terror, not some political stunt! We fully inforce the law, and you crossed it by endangering this country, mister! Take him off to Guantanamo, boys!"

Oh no! I didnt mean to commit a terrorist act! Whatever will I do!
posted by fafnir at 4:49 PM

Florida has been in the news lately - and for something other than election fraud! - where millions of residents are once again battling the elements for the right to continue living in an overheated swamp infested with blood-sucking insects and killer reptiles. You make Giblets proud, Florida! Your devotion to the suburban colonization of nature is absolute!

Yes Californians get an earthquake now and then, yes it snows up north. But only you have decided to shuffle off to an enormous foul poisonous bog afflicted with giant man-eating lizards which is routinely punched from the sky by storm titans who seek to blot it from the very sight of God!

You have recognized that it is Man's Great Destiny to colonize every inch of the planet even - no! especially! - those parts of the earth that are so comically inhospitable that the assembled forces of God and Nature lash out in a concerted attempt to destroy their aged, enfeebled residents on a regular basis! If you liked sunny weather you could have moved to Arizona. If you liked tourist traps you could have moved to Las Vegas. If you liked vast political corruption you could have moved to Chicago. But your Faustian striving for a ranch home in a noxious wind-battered wasteland has driven you to boldly live where no one else would ever want to before!

Giblets awaits the day when humans will build gated communities at the bottom of the ocean, in the heart of the Sahara, on the Moon, inside active volcanos, within the snarling engorged throats of mad and slavering Elder Gods! Let no region, no matter how inhospitable, slow your suburban sprawl! You are the pioneers of tomorrow, and from Giblets's sane and survivable mild north Atlantic climate, he salutes you!
posted by Giblets at 12:04 PM
Monday, September 6, 2004

"I am dissatisfied with Tide™," says me. "Maybe I should switch to All™."
"Bah!" says Giblets. "Tide™ is as strong as the force of nature it invokes! All™ is as weak as the complacent internationalism suggested by its name!"
"But Tide™ eats holes in my knits an silks," says me. "An it harshly bleaches out my colors."
"All™ will make your colors run insteada boldly standin out in the face of enemy fabrics!" says Giblets.
"There is no real evidence to support that Giblets," says me. "Besides Tide™ does not break up dirt an tough grass stains. It chases em for a while before leavin to attack other loads."
"Tide™ will get those other loads clean eventually!" says Giblets. "An when those loads are clean it will set off a cleanliness domino effect! Cleanliness will start spreadin to neighborin washin machines an then through the entire laundromat until it scrubs your stubborn grass stains away!"
"I dunno Giblets," says me. "I have put a couple hundred billion dollars a quarters into this load an it's still a mess."
"Tide™'s commercials are strong an resolute!" says Giblets. "All™'s commercials are flimsy an flip-flop on critical issues! One day they say All™ brightens colors, the next day they say it whitens whites! Well which is it All™?"
"All™ has changed its formula since the early seventies," says me. "It is New an Improved. Why doesn't Tide™ ever improve?"
"Tide™ needs no improvement!" says Giblets. "Tide™'s wife is smiley an warm an looks like the human personification of the bakin of oatmeal cookies! All™'s wife is a cranky out-of-touch ketchup heiress! Tide™ is sturdy an earthy just like Giblets wants to be! All™'s Vietnam service may be questionable!"
"Those are just smear campaigns Giblets," says me. "All™ served its country while Tide™ was sittin on a shelf in the laundry room of the Texas Air National Guard."
"The leadin brand will not remove caked-on mud and grime!" says Giblets. "The leadin brand will capitulate to the Islamofascists!"
"Well we agree to disagree," says me. "Like we do whenever we talk about Coke™ versus Poison™."
"It may taste bad an curdle my blood an kill me," says Giblets. "But at least I know where Poison™ stands."
posted by fafnir at 7:11 PM

You cannot stop them. You cannot resist them. They are relentlessly marchin in your direction and there is nothing you can do to wave off the delicious mechanized onslaught of the frozen pot pies.

These pies have not been baked by man or God or nature. They have been constructed in a huge smoke-spewin factory by powerful powerful robots. Trees an hills an oceans are slurped up by their giant mechanical arms an stuffed into furnaces for fuel. "Oh no!" say fish an wildlife. "Our oceans!" But no one can stop the relentless an powerful powerful robots from their tasty an terrible duty.

Rollin out of the factories come thousands of tiny identical frozen pies. Some have chicken or somethin that tastes just like chicken. Some have beef or somethin that tastes just like beef! They climb down from the factory into the city into your neighborhood an just like that into your grocer's frozen food section where they are waitin patiently for you to taste their synthetic scrumptiousness.

Some do not like the frozen pies. "They are not real pies!" they say. "They are cold an unpielike! They are takin our pies' jobs! They are made of coal an textiles!" But the frozen pies do not respond. They sit in their molded pie tins, ready at a moment's notice to spring into action and be efficiently delicious. You cannot stop them. You cannot resist them.

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posted by fafnir at 4:03 PM
Thursday, September 2, 2004

Giblets was pretty happy to hear that the Republicans were gonna talk about the future in their convention, insteada lookin' at the past like those moldy ol' Democrats. What would the big bold plans be for the next Bush administration? They could not possibly be as big or as bold as Giblets's - but then again whose could! - but would they be big enough or bold enough to moderately impress him? Probably not but whose could, again I am Giblets!*

But the Republican plan for the next four years is big and bold, as Giblets can tell from listening to speeches by Zell Miller and Dick Cheney. The main policy initiative of a second Bush term would be - and Giblets may be reading between the lines a little here - to build a huge government sponsored time machine, use it to travel back to the past, and kill John Kerry before he is even born!

Giblets must admit - he is intrigued! But will the GOP really be able to follow-through will such a bold strategy or will they go for something a little more centrist like sending George Bush back in time to impregnate John Kerry's mother so that John Kerry is born less offensively Kerrylike and more Bushlike? That would be less bold but more logistically complicated. How for example doe George Bush plan to seduce Mrs. Kerry? Does Dick Cheney plan to impregnate John Edwards's mother as well? Giblets has many questions. Do George Bush and the Republican PArty have the answers? Giblets had better find out tonight.

*Extending Fourteenth Amendment rights to fetuses while denying them to gays, HA! Giblets will extend FIRST Amendment rights to sperm and ova and deny the right of habeas corpus to all but Giblets and descendents of Giblets!
posted by Giblets at 10:29 AM
Wednesday, September 1, 2004

Welcome again to Fafblog convention speechbloggin! Again to elimnate confusion I will type in normal-language an Giblets will type in italics-language.

Well Giblets we have heard that this speech will have a lot of red meat for the delegates. Is there any chance it or the Zell Miller speech we just heard could turn off moderates?

Only if moderates are a buncha girls, Fafnir. You're not a buncha girls, are you, moderates?

A pretty strong entrance. Big applause, an the crimson robes an the goblet of blood are a nice touch.

Dick Cheney needs his bling, man.

I like the part about how you need a president you can count on to get things right. Like invadin the right countries an goin after the right terrorists.

Exactly. If we hadn't invaded Iraq and removed its dangerous stockpile of civilians, why Saddam Hussein could be usin huge civilian-loaded catapults to fling Iraqis at the United States right now!

An if we hadn't let Osama bin Laden get away he never woulda gotten captured by aliens, reprogrammed an turned into the super-cyborg UltraTerrorist, an returned to earth to fight for truth an justice!

That's right. Remember how useful Osama was in fightin off last year's Mole Men invasion! All that woulda been wasted if George Bush made the wrong decision and went after al Qaeda.

I am glad that Dick Cheney is stickin it to Kerry for not supportin our troops in combat. Yknow cause a that vote he had somewhere.

It is worse than that Fafnir! Remember that when you criticize the President you are criticizin the troops an sappin their morale because the military is the bodily extension of the President. Tanks and troops are like his fingers and toes! He feels them from thousands of miles away with his mighty Presidential brain!

Oh yeah! I think that is in Article III or something.

I also like that this isn't just a fluff speech Giblets. Like he does not just say "John Kerry wants to show the enemy our 'soft side'" as if to reduce foreign policy to childish name-callin where you impugn your critics masculinity. He specifically points out John Kerry's plan to defeat the Iraqi insurgency by bakin delicious chocolate-chip brownies for Abu Musab al-Zarwai.

Very true. I do not think many foreign policy experts were very impressed by Kerry's 12-Point Delicious Brownie Initiative.

An finally a firm fierce yet fact-driven closer: "Elect John Kerry and his girly Frenchy-French cowardice will annihilate us all."

An really when you look at all the facts who can argue?

A powerful speech Giblets. But do you think tearin the beatin heart outta the livin John Kerry impersonator to cap it off will alienate swing voters?

Nah. 'Sides what's the point a bein the boss if you can't have fun at your own party?
posted by fafnir at 11:02 PM
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