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Saturday, October 16, 2004
So some a you may not've noticed but the Red Sox have been playin the Yankees!
"Hooray!" says me wavin a bipartisan foam finger. "May the best team win." "Nooooo!" says Giblets. "The Yankees suck and shall be doomed - ONE DAY - by a RIGHTEOUS GOD in whom Giblets believes VERY DEEPLY - to an eternity of HELLFIRE!" "But Giblets how can the Yankees suck if they have beaten the Red Sox so many times?" says me. "That is not what sucking means!" says Giblets. "Sucking is a moral property Fafnir! It does not reflect what the Yankees have done but what the Yankees intrinsically are. And they are intrinsically evil and suck!" "I am not sure about your theory of sucking Giblets," says me. "I always believed sucking was reducible to natural properties such as double-parkin your car or stiffin your roommate on rent or leavin in Pedro Martinez for too long." "No!" says Giblets. "Sucking is an objective irreducible moral property an we can intuit when sucking is present! It is an objective moral truth that the Yankees suck!" "But Giblets why would so many sucky Yankees be beloved by so many New Yorkers?" says me. "An why would so many sucky Yankees be rewarded with so many pennants?" "There is no such thing as suckical subjectivity!" says Giblets. "The Yankees suck no matter how much society has approved of and rewarded their sucking!" "Maybe objective sucking does not really exist," says me. "An we are makin false statements when we say that a team sucks or rules." "How can you say sucking doesn't exist!" says Giblets. "That would mean George Steinbrenner could not suck!" "It's true that we want to say that George Steinbrenner sucks," says me. "But maybe when we say he sucks we're just expressin our very strong emotional dislike of George Steinbrenner for bein a bastard an firin Billy Martin five times." "Well Giblets does not want to live in a world without laws of objective truth!" says Giblets. "A world where the Yankees don't suck is a world of celestial anarchy!" "An where does the curse come in Giblets?" says me. "It is God's mighty test to us," says Giblets. "His ways are strange an mysterious an cruel an we cannot fathom them but one day - one day! - he will reward us with the World Series an a seat at the right hand of the Father. Or else it is a curse laid on us by Babe Ruth an it won't go away until we exhume an desecrate his corpse with arcane rituals." "Is that why we've got the shovels an the wooden stake?" says me. "Yes," says Giblets. "And now we dig." Labels: serious discussions
posted by fafnir at 10:58 AM
Friday, October 15, 2004
The Medium Lobster was appalled, just like the rest of perpetually-outraged America, to see John Kerry mention that Dick Cheney has a gay daughter Wednesday night. For there is no greater offense one can make to an openly gay person than to make note of their gayness.
Dick and Lynne Cheney are right to be outraged, as are sincere and heartfelt gay rights' advocates Glenn Reynolds and Mickey Kaus. And this outrage comes not because they feel that homosexuality is shameful or icky or full of cooties. It is because they know that the greatest shame one can bring to a lesbian is to note their existence. Before John Kerry's terrible words, Mary Cheney only had to be gay to her family, her friends, the Coors Corporation, the staff of Bush/Cheney Re-Elect, and the gay community at large to whom she acted as a liason. But John Kerry made her gay to the entire world, effectively making her more gay than ever before. There is an obvious solution here - but only part of it involves the trial of John Kerry as a thought criminal. Good solutions are proactive, not reactive, and the problem with Mary Cheney was not merely that her admitted sexuality could be mentioned on national television. It was that she could be seen at all, allowing anyone who looked at her to realize she existed - and possibly realize she was gay.  This is not merely Mary's dilemma. This is the dilemma of millions of open lesbians across America: how to utterly conceal their existence from view. The solution must be simple, yet effective. It must wall all lesbians up in utter darkness, away from all sight. Like a closet, if you will.Fortunately, associates of the Medium Lobster have already prepared such a solution in a comfortable, full-body garment able to easily bury any trace of a lesbian's sexuality beneath yards of cloth. They call it the Lesburka, and the Medium Lobster is confident that its use on Mary Cheney and lesbians across the country will restore the pride of Dick and Lynne in a heartbeat. Labels: the rainbow peril
posted by Medium Lobster at 8:19 PM
 Voting? Ha! Giblets cares not for voting one way or another! Go into your little booth! Punch your little chads! Walk away thinking "Oh I have done my civic duty! Oh I am fat and stupid! Oh I smell like a ham!" In the end your precious little vote will be meaningless because Giblets will destroy you.On November 3rd Giblets will sieze control of the United States the sheer primal force of his Gibletsian will and toss it onto his pile of conquered nations! All who defy Giblets will be rounded up by his mighty Giblobot servants as enemies of Gibletocracy and locked within the Fortress of Insolence, where they will be beaten with rods and scoured with flames and forced to watch other people eat delicious cookies while goin "Boy these are delicious cookies! Do you have any delicious ice cream to go with these delicious cookies? Why I think these are the most delicious cookies ever!" Old rivals of Giblets's will be punished and tormented in a cruel and ironic manner! George W. Bush will be sentenced to a lifetime of cleaning out stables of corpulent war-hippos at Giblets's rustic Texas ranch! John Kerry will be forced to maintain international relations throughout Giblets's grand coalition by serving as a UN bicycle messenger boy! Ralph Nader will be allowed to roam free, where his constant assertions that Giblets is no worse than the Democratic Party will serve to torture Giblets's few remaining enemies even more! As for you, the voter? You will be forced to bow. To bow before Giblets. Those who do not bow will be destroyed - crushed under tons of war-hippo dung! But all this can be avoided. Avoided by voting for Giblets. Those who vote for Giblets will be rewarded in the new Gibletsian order! For although you will be enslaved along with your fellow citizens you will be rewarded mightily by demonstrating your allegiance to Giblets! Rewarded with a special position as a Slave-Plus. You will get easy work in Giblets's palaces: dancing for Giblets, bowing for Giblets, putting on puppet shows for Giblets! Think of how good you will have it! All of your friends will look at you and go "Now there's an up-and-comer! No salt mines for him!" And you will live in luxurious, opulent non-torment the rest of your days. Until you anger Giblets. And then Giblets will destroy you.
posted by Giblets at 6:14 PM
The bias of the mainstream media has become a palpable, poisonous thing of late. Unabashedly opinionated, today's journalists and pundits wear their prejudices on their sleeves, denouncing any idea that conflicts with their own as "unamerican." In this toxic atmosphere, dissent is crushed, activism stifled, and beliefs out of sync with "the norm" are derided as radical and even treasonous. In this foul environment, is it any wonder that anti-voting activism has been almost universally smeared as "voter fraud"?
The silent, moral majority of Americans have come down again and again on the side of the non-voter, and yet they are derided repeatedly as "apathetic," as "cynical," as "grossly uninformed and uninterested," as "fat-assed lazy bastards who refuse to give a fuck." No one is speaking for this majority but the anti-voter activist, courageously defying centuries of hidebound federal law to take a stand against the practice of voting. With every voter registration card they shred, with every eligible voter they strike from the rolls, these patriots are taking a stand - not only against voting, not only against change, but against the very possibility of voting, against participation in a process that might somehow allow for change. They recognize, like most voting and non-voting Americans do, that the best course is to stay the course: to allow 96% of Congress to win re-election in a walk, to keep the same leaders they've been pissed at for years, een decades. Indeed, not only is anti-voter activism a valid political stance, it is, in these troubled times, the correct one. In the Global War Against Islamism, the United States cannot waver in its dedicatio to a unilateral, state-based approach to fighting asymmetrical, non-state threats. And yet, the opportunity to vote for John Kerry could open that terrifying Pandora's box. For a John Kerry presidency would most certainly result in the defeat and destruction of Freedom as we know it. While the right to vote is sacred, it would turn to ask in the fires of Muslinazism. Voter fraud valiantly protects Americans from this possibility by removing that right in order to safeguard it. Once before, the Medium Lobster addressed this issue, specifically with regards to the possibility of postponing the election to prevent a Demacratoterrorist victory. Alas, the Bush Administration, cowed by the lobbying powerhouse that is Big Voter, moved nowhere on this pressing issue. It is up to patriotic citizens like Voters Outreach of America to take matters into their own hands. Save Freedom. Save Torpidity. Stop the Vote.
posted by Medium Lobster at 6:07 PM
So lately I've been hearin a lotta people goin "Oh Fafnir what is the point a votin? My vote will not matter, blah blah blah. I am small an weak an easily devoured by predators, blah blah blah. Perhaps I should just shred my own voter registration card or perhaps vote for Ralph Nader."
An I go Shut up people! You stop bein small an weak an listen to why you should vote! "Oh no we are afraid of the enraged Fafnir" you say cause you're so small an weak. That's better! Now of course your vote counts!* So listen up cause today we're gonna FAF THE VOTE! with some neat little bipartisan arguments for getti out there an votin! The Argument From Coolness  Voting is cool! In fact it is so cool that you should want to be more cool by voting as well! Many voters are cool. Look at Chief Justice William Rehnquist of the Supreme Court! He's really cool an he votes all the time! In fact last election his vote counted extra! He's just that cool! The Argument From Celebrity Endorsement  TV's Jeff Probst"Hi, I'm TV's Jeff Probst! You may know from NBC's 'Survivor' how important voting can be! If we don't vote, none of us will be 'Survivors' - of democracy! Now eat this bucket of worms, you're on TV!" Intriguing and enlightening Mr. Probst! I hope all of us out there learned an important lesson today.  Santa"Ho ho ho! Voting is your civic duty, boys and girls! You can make a difference, as long as you live in a swing state and don't throw away your vote on a third party! Ho ho ho!" Santa you terrify me and I will obey your every command!  Britney Spears"Drink Pepsi!" Why that is a persuasive and convincin argument there Ms. Spears! I feel like a cold cool refreshin Pepsi right now in fact. The Argument From Fear This argument breaks down into three subarguments. Please pay attention accordingly. For Old People: "Bah, I'm old, I don't care about people get me my ointment!" say the old people. But you should care old people because the next president could Destroy Social Security! "Oh no!" say the old people. That's right you are terrified because you are so old an frail an you need your Social Security to survive but what if the next president is an evil president who's all "blah blah screw social security" where will you be then, old people? You will be poor an lonely an cold with no one to talk to, that is where. For Young People The next president could draft you! Draft you into a horrible meaningless war in a horrible meaningless hellhole like Whorecrapistan, a country made entirely of land mines an poison an constantly erupting volcanoes occupied by feuding warlords, fundamentalist religious groups an strongly nationalistic guerillas who see the US intervention as a ploy to exploit their rich supply of magma. Vote, young people, or that could be you! For Everyone Else You could be eaten. By bears. By giant ferocious bears. What if the next president turns out to be a man-eatin bear in a clever plastic disguise an you're all "Hello Mr President" an he's all "Why hell there citizen I RAAAARRR" an then eats you cause he's a giant man-eatin bear? Man you'd feel stupid then, not havin voted against the man-eatin bear! Vote vote vote! The Ontological Argument "Now we believe that [the Lord] is something than which nothing greater can be imagined... And certainly that than which a greater cannot be imagined cannot be in the understanding alone. For if it is at least in the understanding alone, it can be imagined to be in reality too, which is greater... Therefore if that than which a greater cannot be imagined is in the understanding alone, that very thing than which a greater cannot be imagined is something than which a greater can be imagined. But certainly this cannot be... There exists, therefore, beyond doubt something than which a greater cannot be imagined, both in the understanding and in reality." -St. Anselm Wrong, St. Anselm! By that argument there must exist a pie such that no greater pie can be imagined, which therefore must exist. Stupid St. Anselm! Mmmm... Godpie. *except maybe in Alabama, Alaska, Arkansas, California, Connecticut, Delaware, DC, Idaho, Illinois, Indiana, Kentucky, Maryland, Massachusetts, Montana, Nebraska, New York, North Carolina, Oklahoma, South Carolina, North Dakota, South Dakota, Rhode Island, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, or Wyoming
posted by fafnir at 4:38 PM
Well between some unexpected voter fraud in Arizona an Nevada this week an the Republican National Committe gettin steamed at Rock The Vote there's been a lotta talk about voting an not-voting an "extra special voting" lately. Is voting good? Is voting bad? Does your voting matter? When you shred somebody else's voter registration card do you make Uncle Sam cry or do you just make Big Daddy Partisan Tricks happy? Tricky questions!
We're gonna take a look at these issues today with another edition of Point, Counterpoint, Counter-Counterpoint. I'll go first cause I have the most Buddha-nature. The Medium Lobster will go second cause he has the second most Buddha-nature. Giblets will go last cause he met the Buddha on the road an ate him. Pay strict attention: this is educational an for the benefit of democracy!
posted by fafnir at 4:36 PM
Thursday, October 14, 2004
Well last night was the Third Presidential Debate an therefore the last most important thing that will happen ever for the rest of time.* This means things will be borin from now on cause there won't be Big Important Events in the presidential campaign.
"Oh no!" says you. "That means there will be nothin but years' worth of issues and records to look at to help me decide who to vote for! What do I do!" Don't worry Undecided Voter there are plenty of meaningless but fun things that will come up in the meantime to help you cast your vote! Even as we speak political operatives are helpfully choppin every bit of substance out of last night's debate an packaging it into convenient soundbite form! These soundbites will then be taken even further out of context by rival spinners and talking heads until they are told an retold, like the great epics of oral tradition, or a game of Telephone! That's why you might hear Chris Matthews say "John Kerry voted to bust spending caps 277 times radish pinky octopus." Here is a preview of Reasons To Vote just to get you started! REASONS TO VOTE FOR GEORGE BUSH! REASONS TO VOTE FOR JOHN KERRY So don't worry, undecided voter! There's lotsa important things out there that we'll get to talk about in the next coupla weeks! With any luck we won't have to talk about borin ol stupid ol "issues" at all! *unless any more important campaign ads are released that demand the attention of the Fafblog News Team! Like one that says that John Kerry is a liberal or that John Kerry is a terrorist or that John Kerry is gay. Or MAYBE one that says John Kerry is a gay liberal terrorist! "Hi my name is John Kerry an I am having gay sex with Osama bin Laden while planning to raise taxes on your aborted fetuses an I approve this message." That would really give me insight into who I should vote for.
posted by fafnir at 5:55 PM
You have seen Giblets angry. And you have seen Giblets cranky. And you have seen Giblets wrathful. And you have seen Giblets hungry. Like when he's ordered a pizza and it hasn't shown up or somesuch.
But now you will see Giblets furious. For John Kerry has pulled a cheap and tawdry political trick. He has brought up the fact that Dick Cheney has an openly gay daughter. And when John Kerry did that, he got personal. And he did it for filthy, personal, political reasons. How much more personal can you get than by dragging someone's sexuality into the political arena to score a couple cheap political points? And how much more political can you get to use minority status to divide a country? And how much cheaper can you get than to write off a minority of Americans, to hack away at their Fourteenth Amendment rights, just to appeal to your political base? And how much more extreme can you get than to enshrine that political base's prejudices in the United States Constitution? "Wait a second are we still talkin bout John Kerry?" says Fafnir. Yes of course we're still talkin bout John Kerry! The horrible John Kerry who get personal in last night's debate. Who got personal about the issue of denying rights to Americans based on their sexuality. What John Kerry did to Dick Cheney's daughter last night was cheap and tawdry. Almost as cheap and as tawdry as when her parents used her to elect the man who wants to make her a second-class citizen. But Giblets likes 'em anyway 'cause they say they're better at killin' Arabs.
posted by Giblets at 2:31 PM
Fafblog has been down an out for a couple days but we are back with delayed DEBATE BLOGGING! Like normal I speak in straight-forward normal type an Giblets speaks in the sinister voice of slanty-speak.
Will we ever be as safe an secure as we did when Bob Schieffer grew up, Giblets, under the threat of instant nuclear annihilation? It's hard to say, Fafnir. But one thing is certain: Freedom is on the march. At home and in Iraq and in Afghanistan - now in well-armed warlord form! Freedom also GROWS in Afghanistan! Those aren't just poppies, Giblets. They are poppies of democracy. Bloom on, sweet opiates of liberty! Bloom on! Compassion is on the march too as George Bush is pointing out. We now have "armies of compassion." This isn't your wimpy, pussy compassion, Fafnir. This is compassion with guns. This is a KILLIN' compassion! But which is stronger Giblets? Compassion or freedom? Freedom could totally smoke compassion in a fight. Better armed, more superior firepower, and just a whole lot nastier an stronger. I hear compassion lost over a thousand troops in Abu Ghraib alone. George Bush asks us to get the flu for the good of the country, just like he will. Good for you George Bush! I'm gonna start lickin strange surfaces right away! He also points out that John Kerry's health care plan will require thousands of government cyborgs to be stationed in your homes to inject you with penicillin every day. Well what if I don't LIKE forced penicillin injections, John Kerry? That's a very good point Giblets. Now John Kerry keeps talkin about "pay as you go." An George Bush keeps talkin about "Paygo." What is Paygo, Giblets? I believe that Paygo is the Filipino god of fire, retribution an tax hikes who is predicted in the ancient tomes to return to afflict the earth with plagues of frogs, deadly flames, and big government regulation. Bow before his blood-drenched Satanic Majesty! It's interesting to see John Kerry make a play for the pagan idolatry vote like this Giblets. Will it pay off? It was probably a bad move on Kerry's part, Fafnir. But he did make a strong appeal to soul-crushing liberals who want the government to take over all aspects of life through health care tax credits, an that could help him in Michigan. Well you have to remember Giblets that John Kerry is the most liberal senator from liberal Massachusetts an he is even more liberal than Senator Liberal P. McLiberal which is so so liberal! I think a lot of Americans will look at John Kerry's record after this debate and say "Man - a liberal! He voted three thousand twenty-two times to support the 'I Love Being A Liberal!' Resolution! I can't vote for him!" Wow it must suck to be the president. George Bush wanted so hard to get that assault weapon ban renewed but he was just completely powerless to do anything about it. Yes, Fafnir. Completely powerless before the titans of Congress. Which is controlled by the Libertarian Party right now, I believe. There has been so much division in America over the last few years. How did that happen? I mean the president passed No Child Left Behind with his good friend Ted Kennedy an now he is bein opposed by horrible liberally liberals like Ted Kennedy. Sounds like those bastard Libertarians again, Fafnir. Now it's time for the God Round! Does God hate John Kerry cause he's in favor a killin babies? How much does God hate John Kerry? Is votin for John Kerry a mortal sin, or just a venal sin? Or to put it in a positive light: Does John Kerry feel confident about winnin the Atheists and Heathens vote? Kerry disappointed on that one. He really needs to talk comfortably about his faith more. Like George Bush does when he says "Being gay is a choice between Americans, their God, and the holy fire that consumes their cities." But notice how the president was very compassionate on that one, talkin bout how gay people have the freedom to be gay. They just don't have equal protection under the law as a result of that freedom. But Kerry's not gettin all the tough questions here! How will he handle Schieffer's hard-hittin "If God was a tree what kinda tree would he be" question? Giblets thinks he knows the answer to that one. Freedom on the march? Army of compassion? God would be a tree with guns, man. With great big guns. Wow the hard questions just keep comin! Do President Bush an John Kerry love their wives Giblets? I was really wonderin about this one. Gotta give this one to Bush, Fafnir. I mean, sure, both men love their wives and their families. But didn't Kerry divorce his old wife? Isn't that a flip-flop? And Giblets got a little "...and she's a real bitch" vibe right after the "strong women" crap. That's very true, Giblets. An you can't pick a president without thoroughly evaluating his relationship with his wife. John Kerry says he'll kill the terrorists, kill the terrorists, kill the terrorists. Well, talk's cheap, Kerry! You gotta pop one yourself before the initiation is complete! President Bush has a picture on his wall. A picture of Optimism. Do you believe in Optimism? Because Optimism means votin for President Bush. If you vote for him he will show you what Optimism looks like. I hear it looks like a sunrise. An underemployed, undereducated sunrise lacking many essential constitutional protections. But a sunrise nonetheless. An that concludes the Presidential Debates! Have you decided who to vote for based on them, undecided voters? If so then may God have mercy on our souls.
posted by fafnir at 1:35 AM
Wednesday, October 13, 2004
"Is Roe v Wade our Dred Scott?" says me. "Have we enslaved the fetus?"
"Nonsense!" says Giblets. "Giblets pays his fetuses decent pay for decent work." "But Giblets those fetuses can't really live off what you pay them," says me. "Some a them have to work two or three jobs just to feed their families." "Giblets gives his fetuses plenty of perks!" says Giblets. "They get half hour lunch breaks and Fetus Appreciation Days and complimentary paper clips and mugs with amusing slogans like You Don't Have To Be Crazy To Be Unborn Here But It Helps." "But those are all part-time or temporary fetuses," says me. "You aren't givin em health or disability benefits. Where is the culture of life? Where is the culture of livin wage?" "You can't force Giblets to raise the cost of fetus labor!" says Giblets. "That is a violation of the sacred constitutional right to free enterprise! Keep your laws off Giblets's business!" "But you must respect the rights of the fetuses you employ," says me. "For he who would be no slave must be content to have no slave." "Indeed," says Abraham Lincoln. "Aaaah! Zombie Lincoln!" says us an we pump im fulla lead. "Do you think the dead will ever be given the full rights of the living, Giblets?" says me after we finish burning Zombie Lincoln. "Man I hope not," says Giblets. "How could we keep using them, then?"
posted by fafnir at 4:54 PM
Giblets is sittin in the pumpkin patch waitin for Osama bin Laden. Sigh. He does this every year.
"Giblets you will catch cold," says me. "Osama isn't comin this year." "Yes he will yes he will!" says Giblets. "Every election Osama bin Laden flies around the world to visit the least sincere pumpkin patch and its political campaign and he'll visit Giblets's this time!" "Giblets you also said he'd come in 2000 with pictures of George Bush's secret gay lover and in 1992 with Bill Clinton's illegitimate baby," says me. "This time he really will come," says Giblets. "This time Giblets has the least sincere pumpkin patch ever! It puts politics ahead of national security even while claiming to be a national security pumpkin patch! It even fights the Iraq War by the election schedule! Osama has to come, he just has to!" "I think you're bein very silly," says me. "An I'm gonna go inside an get some cocoa." "Giblets is gonna wait all election night if he has to!" says Giblets. "You'll come, Osama bin Laden! You just have to!"
posted by fafnir at 9:19 AM
Sunday, October 10, 2004
 So today I'm supposed to be in the swing state of Ohio reportin from the swing state of Ohio observin all its swing state dynamics an of course cause a Reporter Authenticity an other big important stuff actually coverin this story from the actual swing state of Ohio only I couldn't do that today on accounta there's a real big dog outside tryin to eat me. "Do you think John Kerry's debate performance has helped him in Ohio dog?" says me to the dog through the screen door. The dog goes "HRARL HRARL HRARL" fulla huge horrible angry Fafnir-eatin slobber an I run an hide in the couch. There is so much anger in the dog. Divided partisan anger like in the swing state of Ohio. I wasn't plannin on interviewin the dog today but I had to yell for the dog to chase away the cat that woulda run off with me an I had to lure the cat to scare off the birds who mighta used me to fashion a nest for their young. This is pretty much what happened in Borneo back in the fifties. An in a sense it is what is happenin to Ohio. Who let the dogs out, Ohio? The dogs of division an electoral politics an farm subsidies? An will those undecided dogs lean closer to a Bush vote or a Kerry vote? I am sure I could answer all those questions an more if there wasn't a huge dog standin on my porch."Can George Bush win without Ohio this year dog?" says me. "HRARL HRARL HRARL" it goes again. There's also a lotta teeth an fleas in the dog. Teeth an fleas like in the swing state of Ohio. The first candidate to calm down this dog will probably not affect the election much one way or another. But I'll give him like ten bucks.
posted by fafnir at 6:54 PM
Jacques Derrida died yesterday. We threw a Deathday Party to undermine the hegemonic life/death binary but for some reason everybody was still kinda sad.
"I don't get it," says me. "How could Derrida die? He was a social construct." "True," says Giblets. "Nothing is outside the text, including Derrida." "Then he couldn't die," says me. "After all if he did he would be reinforcin the hegemonic Dead Derrida/Live Derrida binary." "We must deconstruct Derrida's death!" says Giblets. "Beginning by inverting the privileged duality! Derrida is alive!" "He's stuffin his face with cake right now over there!" says me. "Mmmfff," says Derrida. "Waffff uppppf fellaf." "Derrida stop eatin all our cake!" says Giblets. "That cost good money!" Man that Derrida's always been a greedy bastard. Labels: rip
posted by fafnir at 11:05 AM
Attention Internet! The Poor Man has alerted Giblets to the fact that the director of "Going Upriver: The Long War of John Kerry" has now placed this film online, free for download, right here.
Well, Giblets is outraged! And as Ruler of the Internet he declares that none shall be able to watch this film because Giblets will not show it! He is pulling it from its internet timeslot because it is too political. But do not despair, documentary-lovers. For Giblets is going to air across the entire internet two documentaries on his opponents the day before the election - one entitled "Spitting On Veterans: How John Kerry and a Bunch of Commies Disgraced the Noblest War Effort Ever," and another called "Dubya Does Dallas: Two Guys, a Dwarf and a Dog in 1972." Viewing is mandatory.
posted by Giblets at 10:31 AM
Saturday, October 9, 2004
The Second Presidential Debate Ever this year took place tonight! Who won? Who lost? Who had presented a very presidential demeanor for much of the night until in the last moments of his closin statement began speakin in tongues, declarin war on the Dominican Republic an projectile vomiting on moderator Charlie Gibson? Here is a Fafblog Special Roundup for those a you who missed it.
Who won? Who knows! Only television can tell us that! We will be with you until that excitin development emerges.
posted by fafnir at 8:27 AM
Thursday, October 7, 2004
We're deep in the savage jungle trackin fearsome beasts. Giblets has the elephant gun an the binoculars. I got the juice box an the pretzels! We are huntin big game.
"Gimme the pith helmet!" says Giblets. "Giblets needs to look bold." "Giblets we agreed to share the pith helmet," says me. "We alternate every hour on the hour an I still get to look bold till three o clock." "Three o clock is beneath Giblets!" says Giblets. "Giblets must cut a strikingly anachronistic figure now or we will never capture our ferocious prey!" "We have already captured many ferocious prey Giblets," says me. "Think of the sandwiches." "True," says Giblets. "The corned beef on rye was a magnificent beast an put up a fantastic struggle we will remember all our days! But Giblets seeks greater glory!" "I bet we can hunt some bagels," says me an we do. The jungle is beautiful but dangerous an we have already lost twelve men to fierce predators such as the bus which cleverly tricked Weedy an Wict into gettin on it when we were supposed to take the subway. Me an Giblets threw bamboo spears at it but it dove back into the thick underbrush. You will be avenged Weedy an Wict! "We must track it to its lair," says me. "To the secret bus matin grounds." "Giblets hunts for bigger prey!" says Giblets. "Giblets is not satisfied with mere buses. He must hunt the most dangerous game!" "The most dangeous game is Rock em Sock em Robots," says me. "Cause if you really knock a robot's head off you could release deadly robot radiation." "Robots are nothing to Giblets!" says Giblets. "He will vanquish them with one blow of his pith helmet!" "Not till three o clock," says me sittin in the pith helmet. "Then Giblets will hunt the second-most-dangerous game," says Giblets. "Which is Hungry Hungry Hippos." "All this anti-hippo sentiment," says me. "People go 'Oh the hippos they are so terrible' but if people fed them they would not be so hungry an dangerous." "You can't beat hippos with blankets an love!" says Giblets. "This is a war between civilization an hipposism! Gimme the Panama hat! Giblets needs to look moderately intrepid." "Giblets we agreed to share the Panama hat," says me sittin in the Panama hat. "Stupid sharing," says Giblets. The promisin trail of bus droppings has thinned out an lead to a small clearin but when we get there the buses are fleein from a larger an more ferocious predator who has staked out the waterin hole as its own territory. It is a Chrysler Building! "I think it is restin," says me. "Probably after a large meal of office workers." "We will never come across such a fearsome creature again!" says Giblets. "We must take it now!" "I dunno Giblets," says me. "Maybe we shoulda started out smaller with like lions an squirrels an stuff." "What are you crazy? Those things have teeth," says Giblets. "Oh no!" says me. "It has seen us! It's turnin this way!" "It is charging at us!" says Giblets. "It is charging at us veeerrrrrry slowly!" "Quick use the binoculars!" says me. "These binoculars have no effect!" says Giblets. "Quick use the pretzels!" says me. "These pretzels are unloaded!" says Giblets. All we have left is the juice box but it is just enough! A direct hit an the Chrysler Building lets out a terrible roar thrashin in its death throes before fallin finally still. "It was a magnificent beast," says Giblets. "Yes it was," says me. "We came to commune with its savage beauty an love it like a brother before we brought it down." "I think we should leave it here," says Giblets, "as it is several thousand times larger than us an difficult to carry." "Agreed," says me. "We will stuff an preserve it on our next trip." Next time we will capture an tag a group of taxis to study their fascinatin migratory patterns. There is always more to learn from the strange an savage yet beautiful world of the jungle.
posted by fafnir at 9:17 PM
We'll be out for most of today doin stuff.
"You can't make Giblets wash the elephant," says Giblets. "Giblets washed the elephant last time." "Giblets you gotta be responsible," says me. "Remember the talk we had when you were all 'oh I will be good an clean an feed my elephant if only you give me an elephant'?" "Stupid elephant," says Giblets. There are important things to read elsewhere especially here and here and here. It's very sad to be getting kind of numb to the idea of legalizing torture in America. Please, please don't let that happen.
posted by fafnir at 11:49 AM
Wednesday, October 6, 2004
My fellow Gibletsians: Giblets greets you. BowbeforeGiblets.
This election Giblets faces two remarkable opponents. Remarkable in their unworthiness before Giblets! They have been tested by trained Gibletsian scientists who wear lab coats and goggles and everything and been proven to be liberal - grossly disgustingly Liberal! They are the two most liberal presidents and senators in the history of mankind! And that includes Senator Libby P. McLiberal of Liberalland who is really damn liberal! Science does not lie look at those beakers! You do not want them to replace your Giblets. And not only because of their icky liberalness - but because of their flip-flappiness. Why just yesterday George Bush and John Kerry changed their positions on sleep - twice. First they were for being asleep. Then they were for being awake. Then they were for being asleep again. Some people can never make up their minds. These are not the kind of leaders we need steering Giblets's great nation. Because they are liberal. Because they are weak. Terrifyingly weak, while Giblets is strong. Giblets can bench press a truck. With his mind. You doubt Giblets? Giblets is doing it now! He is lifting that truck - that one over there can't you see it! - right off the ground and he is lifting it over and over and even spinning it a bit and now doing a bit of freestyle juggling and all with the power of his mighty mighty brains! Those mighty brains can solve all our problems. They have the Will. They have the Resolve. They have the Secret Plan. Do not look at the truck you will ruin everything! You will embolden the truck! How can you bench press a truck with your magical powers of telekinesis after you have said it was the wrong truck to bench press? You are not qualified to bench press the truck! You are not qualified because you are not big enough! Your resolve is not big enough. Your will is not big enough. Your patriotism is not big enough. Giblets knows your patriotism is not big enough because your flag is not big enough. My flag is bigger than your flag, my god is bigger than your god, my wound is bigger than your wound, SING IT! This November, do not vote for the "reasonable" candidate who offers you the most "competent" plan to protect the country. Vote for the most grandiose rhetoric and posturing possible. Vote for Giblets.
posted by Giblets at 8:29 PM
...stand by for a critical communication from Giblets... repeat... stand by for a major address by Giblets...
posted by Giblets at 8:12 PM
So many seek out the wisdom of the Medium Lobster, but now those confused and frightened souls may finally receive an answer - in Medium Lobster Mailbag, the newest and most enlightened feature added to this blog. Our first seeker of higher knowledge is Faisal N. Jawdat, who asks:
A reading of The Shrill Blog lead me to notice repeated invocation of the expression "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh [America Hating Liberal] R'lyeh wagn'nagl fhtagn! Aaaaiiiiii!!!!." Further investigation leads me to conclude that this is a reference to the works of Howard Phillips Lovecraft, who, it turns out, was objectively pro Saddam.Ah, Faisal, you have made an elementary - but understandable - error, one often committed by those just beginning to pierce the veil of mysteries. You have confused the master with the servant. For Dick Cheney is no follower of Cthulhu; rather, he is an avatar of mighty and monstrous Yog-Sothoth, the key and guardian of the gate, the All-in-One of limitless being and self whose vile and indomitable essense stretches beyond the expanse of time and space and can only be perceived by mortals in brief glimpses: a form of The Cheney there, a shape of Yog-Delay there, a brief glimmer of NyarlaHastert there. There is not one Cheney, my friend, but a hundred, a thousand, a million - each a monstrous roiling outstretched tentacle reaching from the blackened abyss of the Outer Gods. Such beings are beyond what mortals call "good" and "evil," Faisal. Their ways cannot be known - and indeed, must not be known - for the workings of the universe are too terrifying and horrible, its secret energy meetings, doctored deficit projections, and dealings with Iran too maddening for ordinary men. These hard realities we must leave to the hard and foul beings who govern America in the dark - for should Americans look too closely, they could be driven into madness, confusion, and doubt - as was John Edwards last night, when he was "getting his facts wrong." The facts are too terrible a thing for the American voters to witness, Faisal. Best to leave them with the Vice President - and the monstrous nuclear chaos beyond angled space which the Necronomicon has mercifully cloaked under the name of Grover Norquist.
posted by Medium Lobster at 10:38 AM
Tuesday, October 5, 2004
Let the debating begin! I am in regular talk! Giblets is in italics talk! The posting of these comments were delayed by alcohol and internet outages!
Well, halfway through Dick Cheney's first answer this drinking game already has Giblets hammered. Dick Cheney has not suggested there's a connection between Iraq and 9/11. He has implied it, insinuated it, hinted it, and intimated it, but he has not suggested it. Wait! Now he just said it. But not suggested it Fafnir. Only said it. And there is that tricky global test! If America has to pass a global test then it must mean that everyone in the entire world would get to decide American foreign policy cause what else could a "global test" mean! I like the part about the human drive for freedom in Afghanistan. Dick Cheney believes in the power of the heart to triumph over adversity. Yeah, I hear Dick Cheney's a big Care Bears fan. I think Dick Cheney made a smart point right now. Ysee American casualties only count for 90% of the casualties if you don't count all the Iraqis wo've gotten killed. See Dick Cheney points out just how many Iraqis have gotten killed since we invaded. A very good point Dick Cheney! And a compassionate one. Now Dick Cheney is goin on about "Well I think it's pretty rotten of you to not count the Iraqis, our greatest allies blah blah blah." Because Dick Cheney is a very kind-hearted man who feels the pain of everyone, no matter how small. That's why he spends his weekends in the Peace Corps, Giblets! I like the touchin story Cheney's tellin right now about the giant insurance company from the little swing state that got caught in a bear trap and woulda bled profits to death if it wasnt for real big tax cuts. I like John Edwards's persistent attempts to adopt Dick Cheney's gay daughter. "You probably weren't there to vote for that." Ooo, snap! Tell it, girlfriend! Yknow it is a shame just how much time John Kerry an John Edwards missed while they were campaignin. Why it is almost as bad as bein on vacation for a third of your presidency! What qualifies John Edwards to be a heartbeat away? Answer: his sexy body. His sexy, sexy body. I think it was effective how he stripped down to his thong to prove that point Giblets. Very true Fafnir. Although less effective for Dick Cheney. Yes he lost some points on "gravitas" when the speedo came out. I didn't know that Dick Cheney grew up in a humble mill town just like John Edwards. It's true. They grew up in the same mill town in fact an were once the best of childhood friends until a laboratory accident wiped out all of Cheney's hair and made him use his powers for evil instead of for good. Dick Cheney points out that you are either with the drug companies or with the terrorists. A powerful line Giblets. And it holds true Fafnir. 9/11 changed everything. About the drug companies. John Edwards closes with a heartwarming tale of overcoming adversity to rise above your working class origins, an Dick Cheney closes with the warning that the world will come to a fiery end at the hands of Islamist lava beasts if George Bush is not re-elected. There is a clear an obvious winner here Fafnir. And it is Gwen Ifill. I think you're right Giblets. She looks smart in that suit. Join us next time for the next Bush-Kerry debate which will take place in an innovative underground dogfight format! Kerry's German shepherd has the height an weight advantage but Bush's Scottie has resolve an determination! Who will win?
posted by fafnir at 9:04 PM
Giblets is watching the hard-hitting pre-debate commentary of Chris Matthews' Hardball! and he is already slathering with anticipation for the main show. Will the rock-ribbed cue-balled realpolitik-esque Cheney tear the still-beating heart from the baby-faced dollchild made-of-babies John Edwards in the middle of the debates, or will he cut loose in the opening statement? Will John Edwards's star-power protect him from Cheney's oil-powered death grip, or will his mushy optimism prove no use against against the master of hard sorta-facts?
The Frankensteinian visage of Ron Reagan, Jr. disappears! The chortling starchy head of Chris Matthews fades from view! Dance on your strings, candidates! Deliver knock-out punches! Dance for us! Dance for us NOW!
posted by Giblets at 8:51 PM
Monday, October 4, 2004
Stupid old pope! He's sainting stupid ol' dead people left and right and there is still no sainthood for Giblets, saintliest of all known earthly beings? Behold Giblets! He is positively resplendent with goodness! Mother Theresa was a filthy whore! Gandhi was a rat bastard! The Dali Lama runs a sweatshop filled with babies where he forces the babies to make baby-eating utensils for rich cannibal babies which he then uses to eat his own babies!
But Giblets is good and kind and does not hate children! All the time! And he has already performed like six miracles many of which involve healing or blowing up monsters which were about to eat virgins! Now how much cooler a saint can you get than that? Answer you cannot so saint me Giblets saint me now now now! The Pope of course is just rubbing it in now by beatifying Karl I of Austira-Hungary and Anne Catherine Emmerich. So what's the big deal, Pope? Has Giblets not gassed enough Frenchmen or had enough crazy anti-semitic Passion-based hallucinations? "In spiritus lepus," says the Pope. "Corpus pluribus domini." Stupid Pope with your stupid Pope-talk! Why can't you speak normal-talk! "You don't wanna mess with the Pope Giblets," says Fafnir. "He might try to shoot you with his deadly Pope beam." "Nuts to his Pope beam!" says Giblets. "At this rate by the time Giblets get sainted all the good saint-spots will be full! Giblets will be way in the back of heaven with Saint Anslo, Patron Saint of Smelling!" Man, it's like you've got to wait forever on one of these things! Stupid old Pope! Labels: popery
posted by Giblets at 9:44 PM
In his terrible debate performance last week, John Kerry insisted that the United Stated must adhere to some "global test" before it can take such defensive actions as striking back against terrorists, or assassinating enemy leaders, or overthrowing disarmed regimes in a screwball attempt to remake the Middle East. The notion of a "global test" - which John Kerry describes as "where your countrymen, your people understand fully why you're doing what you're doing, and you can prove to the world that you did it for legitimate reasons," and which the Medium Lobster can only conclude means the full and complete consensus of every petty bureaucrat in France - flies in the face of everything the United States stands for, and everything America needs to defend itself.
Fortunately, George W. Bush recognizes this, and has embraced an altogether different test - not a global test, not a local test, not even a personal or a singular test. When George W. Bush goes to war, he will not be dissuaded by the protestations of the United Nations, or by some antiwar protesters, or by the State Department, or by the CIA, or by the military, or by the overwhelming conclusions of the intelligence community, or by the American people. Indeed, he will not be dissuaded by his own campaign promises, or his own thoughts and feelings from the week before, or even the minute before. Will we smoke out bin Laden, dead or alive, or is bin Laden not something worth thinking about much anymore? Will Moqtada al Sadr be arrested or killed, or left to join the Iraqi political process? Who's to say? Not George Bush - not if he can help it, at least. To do otherwise - to require some sort of justification before beginning an international conflict - why, that would be tantamount to giving a foreign power - or antiwar protesters, or the State Department, or the CIA, or the military, or the intelligence community, or the American people, or the president - veto power over America's national security. George Bush has a different view. It's not the President's job to take an international poll, or a national poll, or even ask for a show of hands in a cabinet meeting. But our national security will be made somewhere on the fractured whimsy of George Bush's brain - not in the Oval Office. And that's a test America won't need any Frenchman for - or any coherent President, for that matter.
posted by Medium Lobster at 5:32 PM
Saturday, October 2, 2004
God bless the electoral college! If this country elected its presidents with some "popular vote," presidential candidates would have to pander to every state in the country instead of just a handful of loser "swing" states like Ohio and Michigan. Screw you, California, Texas, New York, New England, and the South! Giblets flips you the electoral bird 'cause you don't count this time around!
 Sadly, this means Giblets - and John Kerry and George Bush, who also seem to be running for president - must also pander to Florida, or as it is affectionately known, "The Pimple on America's Ass." A swampy wasteland populated entirely by retirees, Cuban exiles, vacationers, and southerners who appear to be lost, no one is native to Florida but the immense poodle-devouring reptiles that prowl its poisonous bogs and gated communities. But who will conquer its diverse population of aged storm-tossed rabble? Giblets that is who! Florida first greeted Giblets with its hearty stench of old people. Florida you are old and you smell like old man smell! Ewww! Old people are a crucial part of Floridian society and economy, especially in the funeral industry. They are a tricky bunch to woo, for as old age sets in their minds grow rigid. "I only vote for Roosevelt!" says one nameless old man Giblets sees on a street corner somewhere. But what old people lose in their intractability they make up for in their weakness! Yes, old people are easily cowed by presidential candidates, for they are close to the grasping claws of Old Gray Death!  GIBLETS: Old woman! Who are you planning to vote for!SOME OLD WOMAN: Well, I hadn't quite made up my mind, young man. Now, I'm very upset with President Bush, I don't agree at all with what he's done with the war, and Medicare, but John Kerry... GIBLETS: Giblets! You will vote for Giblets then! SOME OLD WOMAN: Oh now, I don't know... GIBLETS: Giblets is strong and mighty and will crush your withered bones with his teeth! You are old and weak and reek of death! SOME OLD WOMAN: Oh my, I'm going to have to... GIBLETS: VOOOOTE FOR GIBLEEEEEETS! VOOOOOOTE FOR GIIIBLEEEEEETS! Giblets will dominate the old people vote! But what of the Cuban vote? Everyone knows that Florida swings by the whims of the fiercely anti-Cuba Cuban vote! But again, Giblets's strengths can overwhelm those of his opponents in this area! Again he will dominate! GIBLETS: How can Giblets win your vote? SOME CUBAN GUY: Giblets? I wasn't really... GIBLETS: In the first one hundred days of a Giblets presidency, Giblets will invade Cuba, oust Fidel Castro, and install as Cuba's new leader the mummified corpse of Fulgencio Batista! Huzzah! SOME CUBAN GUY: I'm actually looking more at John Kerry because of stance on the travel restrictions... GIBLETS: And then Giblets will chop off Castro's head, stuff it with onions, and personally present it to you on a platter! Who's your daddy, Cuban vote? Giblets is your daddy! SOME CUBAN GUY: Mmmm... onions?  But the most important swing voters in Florida are the electronic voting machines, which are riddled with enough security holes to make the hacking of the Florida election trivial. Voting machines have already crashed and wiped out records on statewide elections from the past two years, and the good news is no changes have been made to the system since! This is probably Giblet's best chance to pick up some prime electoral real estate.kinggiblets: so how easy is this v0t3h4x0r1337: d00d like a monkey could do this shit kinggiblets: hack the election kinggiblets: hack the election for giblets v0t3h4x0r1337: no way man kinggiblets: hack the election for giblets NOW v0t3h4x0r1337: im throwing this thing to michael badnarik kinggiblets: insolent script kiddie! you will feel giblets's wrath :( So there you have it. The cesspool that is the Florida election. There is one more voter that may figure in, although he's not as big lately - God. With the recent spate of hurricanes it's clear that God is trying desperately to destroy the entire state before it can become a factor in November. Alas, you are too weak, God! You need to bring out the big boys! A tsumani, a meteor impact, a plague of hellfrogs - give us somethin' we can WORK with! 'Cause come November we're gonna have 27 electoral votes nobody's gonna have any idea what to do with. Better sink 'em now and get it over with.
posted by Giblets at 7:23 PM
Hello an welcome to another edition of Fafblog Roundtable! Today we will be discussin who won the presidential debate the other night. Still! After two days! Nothin else goin on the world. Nooooooothin else.
 FAFNIR: So! How did John Kerry do in the debate Giblets?GIBLETS: John Kerry did pretty well Fafnir. He showed strength an directness which musta been tough for him, on accounta he usually likes to discuss foreign policy by mincin around in a tutu goin "I'm John Kerry, blah blah blah! Oh I am long-winded and effeminate! Allow me to read from the Paris telephone directory!" FAF.: That's very true he did a lot to rise above expectations. What about George Bush? GIBS.: "Oh, I am made of ketchup! Oh, I throw like a girl!" THE MEDIUM LOBSTER: Thursday's debate accomplished a lot for George Bush; he exceeded expectations wildly. Most aboard the Bush campaign assumed he would spend most of the night drooling, twitching, and speaking in tongues, but to have the president manage to not only stand upright for an hour and a half but to form whole words and even whole sentences - well, I think the Bush camp has quite a bit to crow about. FAF.: That is very true because a lotta the time when you see George Bush you think "wow he is so plainspoken he may just unleash a primal roar from the collective unconsciousness an bludgeon John Kerry with a lion femur"! What do you think were some a the best moments for the campaigns in the debate? GIBS.: Giblets liked how George Bush kept referrin to Vladimir Putin as "Vladimir." It showed that just cause you're a former KGB agent strangling a newborn democracy in its crib in order to create your own authoritarian regime doesn't mean George Bush can't sit down with you over a plate a ribs. ML: I thought John Kerry's best moment was when he managed to mention Charles DeGaulle without breaking down into incoherent Francophile paeans to the glory of the Third Republic. FAF.: All good an I agree with everythin! Let's see what our monkeys have to say! *** FAFBLOG SPECIAL POLL*** Fafblog has been polling a group of two dozen undecided monkeys extensively since the close of the debates. When asked, "Who won the debate?", a majority of monkeys screamed and hurled feces at us. When asked "Who do you trust more to lead the country?", two out of three monkeys began smashing pieces of fruit into their teeth. The remaining monkeys ate bugs. ***THIS HAS BEEN A FAFBLOG SPECIAL POLL*** FAFNIR: Who do you think won this debate Giblets? GIBLETS: Giblets sees it as a "draw," or perhaps a "drew," which is like a draw only it helps Kerry more than it helps Bush but is still definitely a draw. THE MEDIUM LOBSTER: The important thing to remember was that there was no knockout punch, Fafnir. FAF.: That's true. There was no knockout punch. GIBS.: Yes. No knockout punch. FAF.: What would have been a good knockout punch? Let's start with Giblets I like him more!  GIBS.: Kerry coulda jumped onto the podium an shouted "KERRY CRUSH PUNY BUSH! KERRY STRONGEST ONE THERE IS!" That woulda gone a long way towards makin folks feel safer with a Kerry administration.ML: And George Bush could've stabbed Kerry with a crude knife fashioned from a bedspring during their second handshake. Alas, both men missed their windows of opportunity. FAF.: Well that's it for Fafblog Roundtable! Next week on Fafblog Roundtable: is this dog fat? Just how fat is this dog? I think it's a fat dog! Be sure to check it out next week!
posted by fafnir at 10:08 AM
Friday, October 1, 2004
Next week, the 9/11 Recommendations Implementation Act will come up for a vote in the House of Representatives, and with it provisions for the legalization of the practice called extraordinary rendition - the transfer of prisoners to foreign countries for the purposes of torturing them. The Medium Lobster, like the Justice Department, stands fully behind the practice - after all, we must "better secure our borders and protect the American people from terrorists," and how better to do that than by shipping maybe-terrorists off to Saudi Arabia to have their fingernails pulled out?
Alas, not all are so enlightened as the Medium Lobster. This critical new tool for our justice system has been condemned by the American Bar Association, the 9/11 commission, and the United States Congress of Catholic Bishops. Massachusetts Democrat and torture obstructionist Edward Markey has written a letter to George W. Bush asking him for his position on the extradition of torture: Just yesterday a newspaper quoted a Justice Department spokesperson as saying that the Department supported thses provisions. In light of your strong statement against torture and the Justice Department's apparent endorsement of the provisions, I respectfully request your views on Sections 3032 and 3033 of H.R. 10. In light of the impending House floor vote on this bill on the week of October 4th, I request that you please let the Congress know now--before the vote--where you stand on this issue, before we take up and approve a provision that would legitimize the outsourcing of torture to other countries.The Medium Lobster is in agreement. George Bush should come out - in favor of torture. To this end, the Medium Lobster has written George W. Bush the following letter: President Bush:
posted by Medium Lobster at 6:05 PM
Thursday, September 30, 2004
Can it be? Can this be the End of an Era?
Giblets tuned into the presidential debates expecting to see an exciting duel between two of his favorite cartoons: namby-pamby Frenchy-French made-of-ketchup John Kerry and gung-ho cowboy dumb-but-full-of-heartland-values George Bush. And he expected, like he has always expected since he was a little Giblets sitting down to watch cartoons, for the Good Guy in the cowboy hat to win. What Giblets was not prepared for - what has completely blindsided him! - is seeing them not show up at all. Instead of the weak-kneed flip-flopping elitist being put in his place by the simple-talkin' cowpoke who squints ABMs in the face of terror, Giblets had to endure seeing the leader of the free world whine like an old woman with an expired aspirin coupon while Mr. Monument trounced him in rich, dulcet tones! How could this be? Television assured Giblets that John Kerry was a weak leader based on his long-windedness, his ability to speak French, and the fact that he married a woman with a foreign accent, and that George Bush was a strong leader based on the fact that he clears brush real good! But tonight John Kerry was looking leaderesque and George Bush who was looking like a whiney little bitch. What can this mean? Giblets refuses to "analyze policy" or "look at facts." He evaluates world leaders based on how entertaining, personable, and manly they appear on TV! But now that Almighty Cable itself has grown fickle and feckless, Giblets has no choice but to challenge John Kerry directly - for the good of boob-tubers everywhere! Giblets will debate John Kerry himself while repeatedly punching a rhinocerous in the face to prove Giblets's superior manliness! John Kerry will probably feel compelled to also bring an animal to punch but he will resort to something like an emu or a chicken. Worry not, Gibletsians! Giblets's triumph is assured! Only Giblets promises true Leadershipship for the twenty-first century!
posted by Giblets at 11:54 PM
 So we're ridin on down the road in our Cross Country Journey of Inner Discovery and Of Course the American Dream when Donald Rumsfeld hits a moose."Maybe we should stop an get a tow truck," says me. "Gosh, that seems pretty excessive," says Donald Rumsfeld. "I mean, was a moose hit? Yes. Do the antlers sticking through the windshield make driving trickier? You bet. But should we just turn around and quit because the road got a little bumpy? I'd say no." One thing about Donald Rumsfeld that you have to give him credit for is he always cuts through the crap to tell it like it is in his no-nonsense style. I am reminded of this when we hit the second moose. "Moose happen," says Donald Rumsfeld. "There are moose, and we'll hit 'em. That's the way it goes. We've lost two tires and the brakes. That's life. I'm drunk, legally blind and have been charged with eight counts of vehicular manslaughter in the last three years. Gotta deal with it. Nothing's perfect." "If you think about it the more moose get hit by us, the fewer moose there are to get hit by us!" says me. "I like the way you think," says Donald Rumsfeld. Donald grabs a beer an misses a pedestrian. Hooray! One of the moose is still alive an kicks at the engine. "Bad moose," says me. "No beer until you stop." Donald Rumsfeld throws an open bottle a Coors at the back seat to put out the fire. "Are parts of the car on fire? Sure. Would we like them not to be? Of course. Have I gone insane from three decades of snorting military-grade rubber cement? Quite possibly. Do we need everything to be perfect for us to go out on the road? Well, that's absurd," says Donald Rumsfeld. "That's very true," says me. "We cannot make the perfect the enemy of the terrible." The bridge up ahead is either out or doesn't exist. But if we waited for everything to be perfect before we did stuff well then we'd never get anythin done! Forward, onward, downward, Donald Rumsfeld! Labels: warnography
posted by fafnir at 5:52 PM
Silly Paul Krugman, gettin all worked up about how cable spin will decide how the debates turn out! Our independent news media will do the full objective investigative reportin they always do, an we know this at Fafblog cause we have used the Fafblog Time Machine to cover the debate with our media's best an brightest before it even happens! FAFBLOG: Wow that was a great debate! What did you think, Future Chris Matthews? FUTURE CHRIS MATTHEWS: A slam dunk for the president, no contest! He knocked this one outta the park! FUTURE BOB SCHNEIDER: I gotta agree with Future Chris, the president came out swinging on this one and he didn't let up! |