|
Saturday, May 29, 2004
AN ENORMOUS PUMPKIN is one of America’s most renowned and influential public figures. Its latest book, already a New York Times bestseller, is available everywhere.
FAFBLOG: Wow. It is an incredible pleasure to meet you, enormous pumpkin! AN ENORMOUS PUMPKIN: Indeed it is! I am quite enormous! FB: You certainly are! Ha ha ha! AEP: Quite an astonishingly large member of the gourd family! FB: Indeed! Now, enormous pumpkin, first off let me ask you the question I know everyone has been askin you. AEP: Ho ho! Here it comes! FB: Will you be John Kerry's vice presidential candidate if he asks you to? AEP: Ha ha ha! Fafnir well of course I would be greatly honored to be even considered, but I can't think about those kinds of things right now, what with all my duties as an enormous pumpkin! FB: Well yknow I had to try! AEP: Oh, I know you did. After all, who wouldn't, seeing what an incredibly large pumpkin I am! FB: You are incredibly large! AEP: I weigh over 1400 pounds! FB: That's so many pounds! AEP: It really is! FB: Now I understand you are deliverin an address at the World War II memorial this Monday. AEP: That's true. It's a great honor, even for such a huge pumpkin. FB: Can you tell us what it'll sound like? AEP: Mostly silence, with some rooty settling noises, seeing that, as a pumpkin, I am incapable of speech. FB: That's very appropriate and thoughtful. AEP: I certainly thought so. FB: I also hear you have a book comin out! AEP: Yes! It has no title or words and the binding is pulverized after having been rolled over by my enormous bulk! FB: You are very, very enormous! AEP: I have a diameter in excess of twenty feet! FB: Thank you for talking with us, enormous pumpkin. AEP: The pleasure was all mine. Thank you all for bein a part of Fafblog Interview Week! Our next theme week will be Hitting Giblets With A Spoon Week in which every post for a week will be a sound file of Giblets bein hit by someone with a spoon. "Ow," says Giblets. Labels: interviews
posted by fafnir at 11:59 PM
The Pope has called American life "soulless" and says there is a crisis of spirituality in our country. First, Giblets has this to say: shut up, Pope! No one is the boss of Giblets! Why are you not dead yet? Stupid old smelly old Pope! You smell!
Also: the Pope is right. By accident! Giblets happens to agree with the Pope. America what is wrong with you? You need to be more spiritual, like Giblets. Giblets is so spiritual! Behold Giblets at the mall. Giblets connects with the souls and spirits of all things. "Buy me, Giblets!" they shout out to him. "Buy us, we are so pretty and shiny and new!" And Giblets reaches out to comfort and protect them, like a apirit-earth-mother-Giblets to its child. Look at this windup monkey! And this ice cream cone! And these imitation pants! And this toothpaste! And this plastic! Their souls sing to Giblets, and his soul flows out to them, in the form of dollars, and they flow back to him, in the form of stuff. Tomorrow they will break, and or he will tire of them, and Giblets will throw them out, and their souls will depart and flow afresh into the continuum of stuff, and the cycle begins anew. It is so beautiful. It is so Life. Giblets would cry now but that would make Giblets look gay. Flow with stuff, America. Embrace your spirit-selves. Be.
posted by Giblets at 10:15 PM
Recently a few distressed voices in the wilderness have been raised in alarm at the newest, darkest, and most dangerous threat to America's success in the war on terror: the media. Morton Kondracke recently pointed out that the media "is in danger of talking the United States into defeat in Iraq. And the results would be catastrophic." He goes on to pin the West's Iraq problems squarely where they belong: on the media's fixation with the Abu Ghraib scandal. How astute, Mr Kondracke! For it was in fact the press's obsession with military torture that allowed the the Shiite and Sunni insurgencies to claim whole cities from the American occupation.
But what to do about this pernicious enemy within? Analytical wunderkind and concerned lover of law Glenn Reynolds muses, "Freedom of the press, as it exists today (and didn't exist, really, until the 1960s) is unlikely to survive if a majority -- or even a large and angry minority -- of Americans comes to conclude that the press is untrustworthy and unpatriotic." Quite true, Professor Reynolds. And America will likely need that angry minority if we're to inforce patriotism on our press, and end the nightmarish salvo of information and journalism that threatens to cripple the war effort. For this is not merely a war for freedom. Indeed, it is also a war against freedom - specifically, that freedom which seeks to destroy freedom. These concepts may be too complex and nuanced for the unsophisticated or Democrats to fully grasp, but the Medium Lobster will endeavor to explain. A free-loving society must protect not only its freedoms, but the society which enables those freedoms to be protected, for if that society was to be destroyed, then all freedoms would disappear. In order for freedom to persist, we must outlaw the freedom to destroy or damage society. Thus, freedom cries out for us to destroy those freedoms which would destroy freedom, such as murder, genocide, violent revolution, sedition, criticism of good wars, publication of disheartening news regarding those wars, criticism of the Commander In Chief during wartime, the teaching of seditious literature, obscenity, Many will still not grasp the importance of this, and will continue to read fifth column columns such as The New York Times, The Washington Post, and The New Yorker. The Medium Lobster would caution that those who do so only give aid and comfort to the forces of anti-freedom freedom.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 8:46 PM
JESUS CHRIST is the author of a number of popular self-help books and recipe collections. He lives in Berkeley with his wife and their three children.
FAFBLOG: This is a really delicious corndog Jesus. JESUS CHRIST: Yeah, I like corndogs. FB: Y'know I heard that in California they have these corndog stands where they will make a corndog for you right there, fresh on a stick, and it is a fresh corndog, and it is the most delicious thing in the world? JC: That's gotta be a damn tasty corndog. FB: It is the Shangri-la of all corndogs. Now Jesus what do You think about gay marriage? JC: In my time I was strongly opposed to the practice of divorce. Divorce is rampant in America between heterosexual couples. I don't understand how barring more couples from marrying is "defending" marriage. FB: That sounds kinda squishy Jesus. JC: Maybe it is. FB: Intelligent Design is the latest hippest craze sweepin our schools. Should we replace teachin natural selection with Intelligent Design, or teach them both next to each other? JC: I think natural selection itself seems like a pretty intelligent design. FB: You are not givin me a lot of red meat here Jesus. JC: I'm sorry. FB: You would never make it on Hardball is all I'm sayin. Jesus who do You like in the next election? JC: I really don't like giving political endorsements, Fafnir. FB: C'mooooon Jesus! I wanna know who God wants me to voooooote for! JC: I'd rather not. I'm actually a big supporter of the separation of church and state. Give unto Caesar that which is Caesar's, and give unto God that which is God's. FB: Does that which is God's include a preference for John Kerry's veep pick? JC: No. FB: Awwwww. JC: Y'know, Fafnir, a lot of people really got the wrong idea about me when I came here. They thought I was all about gaining temporal power, about building a kingdom on earth. But it was the devil who offered me the opportunity to rule the world, and I turned that down. I told my followers that I wasn't there to build an empire, but even after I died they fought wars to expand empires that ruled in my name. FB: So what is Your position on the Iraq war Jesus? Does the Holy Spirit have an exit strategy? JC: I think you're missing the point. Acquiring earthly power for the sake of the church, making laws in my name - it's the last thing I want. I told them my kingdom was not of this world. FB: Is it on the moon? JC: It's - FB: 'Cause we're goin to the moon again Jesus! JC: [sighs] FB: It'll be awesome! JC: Yes, Fafnir. My kingdom is on the moon. FB: That's so great! Jesus and the moon, together at last. Are there robots in the kingdom of heaven, Jesus? JC: Sure. Why not. Labels: interviews
posted by fafnir at 4:46 AM
Friday, May 28, 2004
So I have just learned from CNN that Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge an Attorney General John Ashcroft have released a joint statement clearin up their previous disagreements about the new terror alert. Huh! I woulda figured they'd of figured out these terror alert dealies together before they announce em, but I am not the terror expert here. Neither is Giblets.
"The homeland is safer," says Giblets. "I have just shot a terrorist." "Giblets what are you doin shooting terrorists!" says me. "You are banned from the use of firearms in twelve states." "Gun laws are insolent," says Giblets. "When guns are outlawed only the outlaws will get to shoot terrorists." "That was not a terrorist!" says me. "That was James McNew of Yo La Tengo!" "Are you sure?" says Giblets. "I was pretty certain he was the long-haired white guy from the FBI release." "You have not killed an enemy of freedom," says me. "You have just killed the pulsin basswork behind America's premiere noise-pop band." "Eh," says Giblets. "They lost me with 'Summer Sun' anyway." Well we are gonna be busy for most of the evening buryin James McNew in our backyard (please do not tell anyone we killed James McNew readers. Lets just keep this between us). We will see all of you later. Giblets says to hide outside in the bushes and stab anything that moves til this blows over.
posted by fafnir at 6:46 PM
Two of my favorite bloggers, chili dog magnate Kevin Drum and misunderstood comic book dictator Von, have an argument goin about troop levels in Iraq and whether more troops and better planning could have helped salvage the war. Its a very good read, and Von is very right about the religion and money part (The main problem with peace is gettin people fat and happy. All things being equal people would rather stay fat and happy than be starving, miserable, and at righteous war with the enemies of God).
The part that gets me angry is about troops. Everybody says we need more troops and we in fact do not have any more troops. Everybody hates the draft so that is right out. So what are we left with? Easy - cloning! Why are we not cloning our troops to create a vast army of super experienced clone troops? Because of pressure from Republicans and Democrats to ban human cloning! For shame, Republicans and Democrats! I wept when I learned I could not have a tiny miniature T. Rex all my own. I wept when I learned I could not have, say, fifty or sixty other Fafnirs to stock our next beach party. And I weep now for our national security. Your backwards superstitious ways have wounded America once again.
posted by fafnir at 12:12 PM
Only he could make the "Washingtonienne" thing, the kitchen-sized sex scandal that's hot as week-old lard and twice as sexy, cool again. Yes, Giblets is a closet free speech law nerd.
posted by Giblets at 11:46 AM
Thursday, May 27, 2004
Fafblog Interview Week continues with an interview of Osama bin Laden. We have actually managed to interview him from deep in his secret lair somewhere along the Afghanistan-Pakistan border. Fafblog scoops Russert yet again!
FAFBLOG: So Osama bin Laden, how's evil doin? OSAMA BIN LADEN: MWAHAHAHAHA! Oh, evil stands ready to triumph over good, little Fafnir! FB: Oh I do not believe that Osama bin Laden! Good will always triumph over evil. OBL: Not THIS time! This time I'm hatching my most diabolical scheme ever - my plot to elect JOHN KERRY president! FB: Oh no! OBL: Oh yes! I'm going to attack the United States in the next few months, forcing Americans to vote for Democrats! And nothing can stop me! [singing] Whatever O-sama wants... O-sama gets... FB: But why, Osama bin Laden? Why? OBL: Because of free trade. Free trade, affirmative action, abortion rights, equal marriage rights for gays, universal health care. Especially universal health care! Allah demands that martyr-blood flow in rivers through the infidel streets of America until the West has universal health care! FB: I had no idea you were such a policy wonk Osama bin Laden. OBL: For it is written, "Did not Truman put universal health coverage for all godless Americans in the Democratic Party platform fifty years ago? Let the gates of jihad be opened until every man, woman, and child is fully insured." FB: Osama bin Laden you are insane! You have to know that universal health care is a crazy pipe dream, just like re-establishing the caliphate. OBL: But it is not just John Kerry's domestic policies we covet. Allah smiles upon his foreign policies as well. Al Qaeda desires the conflict in Iraq to be internationalized and more troops and a more efficient "police and intelligence operation" approach to be brought to the war on terror. Because once the infidel dogs of the West fight the warriors of Allah with a quicker, lighter, multilateral approach... then, ah, THEN will we truly be able to destroy you! FB: You will never get people to elect John Kerry, Osama bin Laden! OBL: Yes we will! First we will launch a new terrorist attack on the US, forcing Americans to vote for Kerry! Then just to be sure we will launch a MoveOn-style blitz of negative anti-Bush ads using money collected from our 527s, while sending Abu Musab al-Zarqawi to plug the Democrats on Meet the Press and Hardball! FB: Oh no! OBL: Oh yes! And by the time I speak at the Democratic National Convention in Boston, America's fate will be sealed! FB: You will never get away with this Osama bin Laden! OBL: I already have! MWA-HAHAHAHA! MWA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Well I could go on about my daring escape from Osama bin Laden's mountain fortress but that would take all night. And then I couldnt tell you about how tomorrow we have an interview with Jesus! Wow, how do we keep doin this? It is pretty amazin I can tell you that! Labels: interviews
posted by fafnir at 9:55 PM
"Should we help Chris with packing?" I says.
"If we help Chris with Chris's packing then we interfere with the delicate balance of nature," says Giblets. "Like the lion and the wildebeest." "Should we pack the wildebeest?" I says. "We only have room for the wildebeest or the juicer," says Giblets. "The juicer is a modern convenience." "But the wildebeest is beautiful, like a fine woman, or a painting of a tree," I says. "The juicer is beautiful in its own way," says Giblets. "It grazes in its fields," I says. "It frolics in its streams. It frolics." "The lion pounces on the juicer," says Giblets. "Its terrible claws sink deep," I says. "Oh no! The juicer screams for help!" "Run, juicer, run!" says Giblets. We scream for some time for Chris to pack the juicer before it is too late and the lion comes. Chris is irritable and confused. "We have saved the juicer," I says. "We have interfered with natural law," says Giblets. "There will be consequences," I says. "Tidal waves and ice ages and goats born with three heads," says Giblets. "But we will have a juicer in the new age," I says. "Yes," says Giblets, and we smile with satisfaction.
posted by fafnir at 7:02 PM
Last week the Medium Lobster warned readers of the dangers of a Kerry presidency. The Medium Lobster's warning, it appears, could not have been more timely, as the nightmare juggernaut that is the Kerry campaign has launched the Massachusetts liberal into a daunting three-point lead over George Bush in the latest Rasmussen Tracking Poll. One glance at the poll's history and it becomes clear that Kerry has cleverly used recent turmoil in Iraq and the President's sinking approval ratings to his advantage - by remaining all but invisible to the American electorate.
As Democratic strategists from Charles Krauthammer to elder statesman and master political guru Mickey Kaus have pointed out, Kerry has wisely opted to refrain from such disastrous tactical errors as "hitting Bush where he's weak," or "substantively critiquing foreign policy," or "offering a viable and coherent alternative." Instead, Kerry has cunningly chosen to sit back, relying on a handful of biographical ads and the unmistakable charismatic pull of his screen absence to draw in supporters. And that strategy could win Kerry the election - in a landslide. From his mantra-like delivery to the crisp, cynical packaging of his campaign theme - "Let America Be America Again" - Kerry is coldly exploiting America's rich history of Zen populism, planning to ride all the way to the White House on a wave of faltering invisibility. There is still hope, however - Kerry has begun embarking on an 11-day foreign policy tour, a mistake which could cripple his campaign by fatally reminding the voting public he exists. Treacherous tactitian that Kerry is, however, it is entirely possible that this will entirely consist of unremarkable speeches delivered to policy institutes which will go entirely unnoticed by anyone outside of CSPAN-2 - only clinching Kerry's grip on the battleground states. In which case America may be already lost.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 5:58 PM
Wednesday, May 26, 2004
Fafblog Interview Week continues with our exclusive interview with Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld!
FAFBLOG: Great to have you here Donald Rumsfeld! Lets get right to it an start by askin: what is with this torture thing, and how long have you known about it? DONALD RUMSFELD: Good gosh, that's a tricky one there. Was it torture? Were detainees indefinitely held for days with bags over their heads? Yes. Were testicles electrocuted? You bet. Were orifices molested, flesh ripped by dogs, and nostils raped? Almost certainly. But torture? Hard to say. FB: Wow - that IS hard to say. DR: It sure is. FB: A recent article in the New Yorker says you approved extending a secret interrogation program that allowed torture tactics to spread to Iraq. Is that true? DR: My goodness me! Did the Pentagon implement a black ops interrogation program that greatly expanded what guards could do to prisoners? Maybe. Did I personally expand that program to low-level prisoners captured in Iraq? Possibly. Did this lead to the abuses at Abu Ghraib? Who can say? FB: It's almost like the more questions we ask the fewer answers we know! DR: The truth is a swirling miasma of shadow and fog, Fafnir. FB: Now Secretary Rumsfeld, there are a lot of people criticizing your handling of the war over things like the undermanning of the military, the not preparing for reconstruction, the letting crazy militias run whole cities. What is your response to those critics? DR: Well, jeepers, it's hard to say. It's easy for those people, in their press boxes and their ivory towers, to sit back and criticize without having to do the actual work of running the military. Now would another secretary of defense have done a better job, or do a better job? That question comes with a lot of unknowns. Some of those unknowns we know, and some of them we don't know. Do we have a metric for these known unknowns? Are there more unknown unknowns than known unknowns? Is that another unknown? We just don't know. FB: It's all so crazy we might as well just leave things as they are with you in charge! DR: If you say so. FB: Now we can't let you go without askin you about one more thing. Some people have been sayin you should resign lately... John Kerry, Nancy Pelosi, Tom Harkin, The Economist... DR: Now, I've accepted responsibility before and I'll accept responsibility again for everything done under my command. But I'll be damned... damned... if I let a few systemic, widespread, and grotesque atrocities reflect on the character and conviction of the high-ranking civilian and military brass who created the environment that fostered those atrocities. FB: ...The New York Times, The Army Times, The Seattle Times, The Washington Post almost, The Council for American-Islamic Relations... DR: And I'll caution those in the press that they should be very careful about the way they handle and release these stories and these pictures, because right now by piling on the United States they're providing ammunition, aid and comfort to the enemy. FB: ...Anthony Zinni, Al Gore, Richard Clarke, Wesley Clark... DR: Thanks for having me here. Tomorrow we will be interviewin Osama bin Laden, from his mysterious and undisclosed hiding-cave along the Pakistan-Afghanistan border! It is amazing, how are we gettin an interview with Osama bin Laden? Labels: interviews
posted by fafnir at 11:51 PM
In an attempt to correct a rare mistyping (can the Medium Lobster mistype?) resulting in the substitution of "jumped by" for "jumped to," the original post was consumed in its entirety by Blogger, a dark and fearsome transgalactic entity in its own right whose dark will and powers frequently find themselves at odds with my own. At any rate, the Medium Lobster invites all to attend to the International Institute for Strategic Studies, and most notably the Strategic Survey 2003/4 - the press launch for which is available in always-convenient PDF.
The Medium Lobster is certain you will all find it rich with the startling new information that the Iraq war has increased the likelihood of terrorism, that progress in Iraq has been hampered by a lack of troops and poor coordination between the occupation and the Iraqis, and that security problems continue to persist. This is all incredible news proving another startling victory in the war on terror, for reasons the Medium Lobster would explain once again, were he not so staggered with the exhaustion of a cosmic and metaphysical battle the likes of which your petty minds are too limited to conceive. The BBC comments on the report, quoting it to the effect that al Qaeda has been "spurred on" by the Iraq war, swelling its ranks to the current terrifying number of 18,000. CNN quotes it to indicate that in fact American forces have successfully reduced al Qaeda numbers to a mere 18,000. The Medium Lobster leaves you to ponder this press koan in solitude.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 5:44 PM
 What is that rustic pie-figure jutting out over the plains? Who casts that rugged pie profile from the top of the hills?It is the people's pie. It is the pie of the blue-collar worker, the pie of the proletariat. It is the shepherd's pie. This is not a sweet pie, or a fancy pie. It's not a pie with a lot of your big words and highbrow book-learnin. All this pie knows is its mashed potatoes and its ground meatstuff and to protect its herd of sheep in the cold dark nights from the cold dark predators that wait in the shadows. It speaks in short, rugged words like "Uh-huh" an "Yep" and "Git along, sheep." It is an honest, simple pie, and we extoll its simplicities. It is taken to the big city and the fancy women where its simple rugged pieness is unique and different, and it is celebrated and embraced by the deacons of high culture. Symposiums are held and writers speak of the complex meaning of the shepherd's pie. Professors analyze it carefully and believe it to be made of part potato, part ground beef, part browned onion, and part redemption for the corrupt and cynical nature of the old metropolis. Everyone is excited about the shepherd's pie, until someone eats a bite and says "Wait, this is shepherd's pie?" and everyone else says "Ewww, gross" and it is left on the table to grow old and cold and forgotten with the leftovers. Oh shepherd's pie. Do not weep! Fafblog will always be here to love and eat you. You will always hold the heroic mashed potatoes of our heart. Labels: pie
posted by fafnir at 1:38 PM
Tuesday, May 25, 2004
Giblets has no patience for stories like this one:
Sources: Major terror attack possible this summerPossible targets include the Olympics in Greece, Fourth of July celebrations, and the Democratic and Republican national conventions. In other words, everything that's happening this summer. There is no plan to raise the terror threat level and "nothing... to indicate a specific threat or looming attack against New York City... Nor have we been advised that terrorists are known to be in the United States actively plotting such an attack." The US government wants you to be clueless and scared, just like they are. It's a bonding experience! From the sound of things the plan is to avoid any kind of metropolitan area and hide in the sticks until election day. Is that a safe and recommended course of action? No, because "security officials have expressed concern that so-called 'soft targets' such as passenger and freight trains could be vulnerable to attack in the United States." So getting on that train to Hayseed County makes you a moving target for al Qaeda. Usually in stories like this Giblets is told to "remain vigilant." What the hell is that supposed to mean? Am I supposed to go out on patrol? Jump across rooftops in a cape and cowl and scour the night for evildoers? All this intelligence is giving me a headache. Giblets is gonna sleep it off.
posted by Giblets at 11:36 PM
All this week - an by "all this week" we mean "Tuesday through when we feel like it" - Fafblog will be interviewin figures of weighty national and international import. This is just one more way that Fafblog brings you the hard-hittin news coverage. Today we interview Focus on the Family leader James Dobson.
FAFBLOG: So! How's the Family? JAMES DOBSON: The Family is in deadly danger, Fafnir. FB: Danger? Oh no! I like families! JD: Yes, danger from the homosexual agenda which has been trying for decades to destroy it. FB: I never knew homosexuals had an agenda! I just thought they were ordinary people who were easily stereotyped as lovers of musical theater. JD: So they and the gay-controlled Hollywood elite would have you believe. But the Forces of Gay are now closer than ever to destroying the divine institution of the civil marriage certificate, and with it, the family itself. FB: You must hate gay people then, since they're trying to destroy the family. JD: We don't hate gay people, Fafnir. We just want them to functionally cease to exist by having them suppress all their natural physical impulses and force themselves to marry and have sex with members of the opposite gender. FB: Wow. That's a very loving attitude to take Dr. Dobson. JD: Yes, it is. FB: Now Dr. Dobson you are also involved in the Family Research Council which I am lead to believe does highly scientific research on families. What kind of research do you do? JD: Well, Fafnir, a lot of our research involves the proliferation of Unchristian Sex Acts, or UCSAs. Our latest study shows that every day, over fifty-five million UCSAs occur in the United States alone. FB: Wow! That's a lot! JD: Now, our science-like studies also show a corresponding buildup in other Civilization-Destroying Trends: Adolescent Acts Of Masturbation, or AAOMs; Breakups Of Couples And Families, or BOCAFs; Instances Of Feminism And Evolutionary Biology In Education, or IFEBEs; and so on. FB: All of these have scary acronyms! JD: And all of these are on the rise, Fafnir, correlating with the rise of UCSAs - UCSAs such as homosexuality. Homosexuality - which is now being spread through the very heart of marriage itself. FB: Oh no! But I thought gay people were good and deserved marriage licenses! JD: That's probably because of your treacherous liberal education. It's brainwashed you into thinking that there is no right and wrong, that everyone deserves equal rights, and that the fossil record accurately represents the geological and biological history of the earth. If our society continues to slide down this slippery slope of moral relativism, it will mean the end of Western Civilization. FB: Oh no! Not Western Civilization! That's where all my friends live! JD: And without Western Civilization, the dark forces of Satanism, terrorism, feminism, and internationalism will devour all that's good in the world and allow the Antichrist to set up his one-world kingdom. FB: Wow. This is pretty devastating stuff Dr. Dobson. And it can't be wrong or crazy 'cause you're a doctor! JD: That's right, Fafnir. I am a doctor. Thank you for the interview Dr. James Dobson! Tomorrow we will talk with Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, who is takin time out from his busy schedule just for us. How do we do it?
posted by fafnir at 5:59 PM
Giblets spent much of the weekend absorbing media. This can be dangerous because it involves many dangerous hours with nothing but television and the internet before my delicate prying eyes and indeed at one point I almost imploded when the tube connecting my mouth to my feeding bag got switched from the "FEED" to the "SUCK" position (DO NOT LAUGH! Marshall McLuhan died that way!)
Anyway after a weekend of nothing but television Giblets is not as happy and bouncy as he would have anticipated. In fact Giblets is ENRAGED. Look at this Anthony Zinni thing. General Anthony Zinni, former CENTCOM commander, is writing an insider's account bashing the Bush Administration's handling of Iraq and the war on terror. At this rate the only ones making it out of this administration without a book deal will be George Bush and Giblets. Well I will not stand for it! Giblets will sell his story of insider debauchery and disillusionment to the highest bidder. In it I will reveal that the Iraq War was concocted in the middle of a homoerotic mud-wrestling match between Dick Cheney, Prince Bandar, and an oil tanker! And another thing! After a full week of gay marriages not only has the nuclear family not collapsed but no gay people have proposed to Giblets! Not that Giblets is gay but come on! Behold Giblets, resplendant in all his finery! I am pretty damn hot is what I am saying. People from all genders should be lining up to beg to marry Giblets! What is wrong with you gay people! Decades if not centuries of gay rights have lead up to this moment! I am damn near ready to condemn gay marriage as an abomination before God and Jesus again. Finally, Giblets is angry because war just isn't what it used to be. Used to be you'd settle into a good solid quagmire, get your toes all comfortable and squishy in there, and even with a monster draft and a hideous body count you could be in there years before the public really got sick of it. Now just a year into a nightmarishly ill-conceived slog of an Asian land war America is losing its stomach for nightmarishly ill-conceived slogs of Asian land wars. This isn't the historically-myopic America I know and love! Where is the determination? Where is the suicidal obstinacy? Giblets can only pray it returns in force before November. Giblets is angry.
posted by Giblets at 2:02 PM
Last night the president got up on TV and explained a new five-step plan to guide Iraq to sovereignty and stability. Wow - five whole steps! But what is the plan and what will it mean for Iraq and the US? Fafblog, your number one source of news and information when it isn't takin four or five day weekends, is on the case with a handy FAQ:
Q: What are the new five steps? A: They are: 1. Handing over authority to a sovereign Iraqi government. 2. Establishing security. 3. Continuing to rebuild Iraq's infrastructure. 4. Moving toward a national election in Iraq. Q: Those are good steps! A: We are glad you like them. Q: How are they different from the old five steps? A: They are the same as the old five steps, but they have the newly-added quality of newness. Q: But - A: We are staying the course. Q: How sovereign will the new sovereign Iraq government be? A: It will be so sovereign. You have never seen anything as sovereign as this new sovereign Iraqi government! Q: Does the UN draft resolution prepared by the US give Iraq full sovereignty? A: No. Q: Does it give the Iraqi government the power to ask foreign troops to leave or to overrule military missions? A: No. We are staying the course, whether they want us to or not. Q: How will security be established? A: Quickly, and with the aid and cooperation of the Iraqi people. Q: Wow, that sounds like a great idea, it makes me wonder why we didn't think of it before! A: We did, but back then, that idea was an old idea. Now it sparkles with the sheen of the New. Its ridges are hard and bold and striking. Its curves are supple and smooth and inviting. It bounces with the ebullient step of youth, fresh to the world like a newborn babe. Q: That is very impressive. How did you do that? A: We believe qualia are involved. We are also going to destroy Abu Ghraib prison. Q: Good. It is about time that building paid for all the torture and rapes it has committed. A: And then we will build another, better, brighter prison. There is always room for improvement when staying the course. Q: We are now going to continue to rebuild Iraq's infrastructure? A: Indeed. This was a very controversial decision - many thought that leaving it to fall into decay and entropy would be the best way to lead Iraq on the road to stability. But we decided to think outside the box, as it were, and rebuild the country. Q: When will national elections be? A: In January. Maybe sooner. Q: Sooner? Are we not staying the course? A: Don't get crazy here! We are still staying the course, my friend. Q: Whew. Q: Are we staying the course? A: Yes we are! We are staying the course. Our coursefulness remains steady and firm. Staid, even. Q: That's good, staying the course. A: We have not left the course. We could not leave the course. Q: Okay, that's great. A: It hurts to be away from the course. It hurts like a scornful lover. Q: Um. A: It hurts. So. Much.
posted by fafnir at 9:22 AM
Thursday, May 20, 2004
In these times of change, Americans are looking for steady leadership. Indeed. Steady leadership... in times of change. But there are those who would doubt the steadiness of our present leadership. And perhaps the Medium Lobster cannot entirely blame them for doing so. With an Iraqi torture scandal growing larger by the day, threatening to engulf the highest levels of the Pentagon and the White House itself, with mounting American and civilian casualties in Iraq and the war on terror, with a radical Shiite cleric still at large in the nation's holiest cities, it is understandable how those with linear vision could question George Bush's leadership, and even consider John Kerry's as an alternative.
But what would a Kerry administration look like? Would John Kerry offer a "multilateral" solution to the war on terror - or a terrifying new failure? Let us look once again, my friends, into the Lobsterscope of the possible future of... ...PRESIDENT KERRY! In his first act as commander-in-chief, "internationalist" Kerry issues an executive order placing all United States military operations under the command of the United Nations! American troops are soon scattered across the globe, defending America-hating governments, propping up the new Islamist regime in Iraq, and serving as the private "honor guard" of the corrupt Kofi Annan, forced out of duty to fan him with hundred-dollar bills and anoint his naked flesh with oil made from the fat of impoverished and exploited third-world youths! In the meantime al Qaeda becomes emboldened by the abandonment of George Bush's "war" approach to terror, and founds its own Islamofascist state, Islamofascistan, complete with its own military and ballistic missile program! When Islamofascistan forces invade Turkey, Kerry can only respond with "police and intelligence operations" - which are helpless against the al Qaeda terror-state juggernaut! In March of 2006, Kerry's "police operation against terror" finally captures Osama bin Laden and the rest of his top lieutenants. But bin Laden's case is dismissed in court when it turns out that he wasn't properly Mirandized upon his arrest! Exiting the court room, bin Laden flips a middle finger towards a visibly perturbed Kerry, mouthing the words "Fuck you, copper!" As al Qaeda test-launches its first submarine-based nuclear missiles, Kerry considers "flip-flopping" on his policy of gutting vital military projects such as the missile defense screen. But a corrupt UN Security Council stays his hand, reminding the whipped and ineffectual Francophile of his 2005 Delegation of Pentagon Budget to Unsavory Foreign Powers Act. "You are my bitch, Mister President, and you will always be my bitch!" laughs Kofi Annan in his rich Ghanan accent. In August of 2007, Kerry finally and officially surrenders to the forces of Islamofascist terror in the new Islamofascist capital of MeccaMunich. The Treaty of Terror decrees that America's constitution will be replaced with a "Jihadstitution," which abolishes Freedom in the West and establishes a militant Terrorocracy of the Proletariat! Kerry, weeping on his knees, begs history for forgiveness - but his words are too riddled with shameful caveats and self-serving rhetoric for the ordinary plainspoken George W. Bushes of the world to follow. As for what happens next - ah, even the Medium Lobster dare look no further. Those horrors are stories for another time, my friends...
posted by the Medium Lobster at 12:37 PM
In a brilliant counter to the growing support for rebel cleric Moqtada al Sadr, the Pentagon has sagely opted to prop up its favorite Iraqi son, Ahmed Chalabi, by raiding his home, taking his computers, and holding a gun to his head.
Chalabi, who has been repeatedly attacked by left-wing critics for being an untrustworthy opportunist who provided false intelligence to the US, embezzled millions from Jordan, and skimmed off the State Department and CIA budgets, has risen above such petty, partisan sniping to become the Pentagon's heir apparent. By cutting off his $335,000 monthly stipend and raiding his home, the Defense Department has cleverly set up Chalabi as a martyr in the eyes of the Iraqi public in order to speed Chalabi on his path to Iraqi political ascendency. In fact, the Medium Lobster has it on good authority that Paul Bremer is to provide Chalabi with his own extremist militia to start an anti-American uprising this summer. Let this be a lesson to all those who doubted the words and deeds of the good Iraqi exiles whose fabricated information helped lead America to war.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 10:50 AM
Wednesday, May 19, 2004
Juan Cole has pointed out an article in the Village Voice about apocalyptic Christian groups meeting with the White House to make sure that its Israel policy is compatible with Jesus coming back to end the world. Which is an interestin thing to think about. How many refugee camps does Jesus want bulldozed in Gaza? Will Jesus give up Gaza for more settlements in the West Bank? And what if we are completely missin the mark here an Jesus touches down in the Sinai peninsula forgettin' all about the Camp David Accords? Will Jesus get mixed up an make the Muslim end of the world happen instead? That would be horrible, no one would be happy then!
Today Israeli troops fired on protesters in Gaza killing 10 and wounding over 60. Yknow if I didnt know better, I'd say maybe Jesus didn't wanna come back.
posted by fafnir at 11:47 AM
Tuesday, May 18, 2004
We have not had enough of the weirdness here in American politics for a while. When was the last time for instance that Americans nominated a penguin as a major party presidential candidate? Okay you can all stop shouting "Adlai Stevenson" because it is not true. I meant a true penguin, not a puffin which is sometimes erroneously referred to as "the penguin of the north." And I happen to know that such a penguin nomination has not occurred since Horace Greeley in 1872.
At any rate right now there is a lot of talk about John Kerry runnin with John McCain as his vice-president and a lot of people think "Well hey that sounds like a great idea!" and yknow what it probably is. I mean I disagree with John McCain on a few issues, like the death penalty, gun control, abortion, the Iraq war, arming Japan with nuclear weapons, arming the US with more nuclear weapons. But on the other hand he is a genuinely nice guy, and he is also really funny - watch him on the Daily Show! He shines. The great and compellin thing about a Kerry-McCain ticket is it would be something weird and different that we haven't had in a while. Wow! A republican and a democrat? Together? It is like Voltron - the different colored robots that combine to form one big robot! Or better still: it is like Captain Planet - the opposing Aristotelian elements* which, when our powers combine, form a New Age superhero who fights pollution with cosmic powers! Some party-poopers might ask "But Fafnir will John Kerry and John McCain make a good presidential combination because they disagree on so many things?" The answer is yes of course! Were those penguins great presidents? Or would they have been had they won a majority of the votes in the electoral college? Certainly - just look at the admirable job Adlai Stevenson did as penguin ambassador to the UN. The important thing is weird and different is good. I hope McCain is introduced at the convention by way of a musical tap number and striptease. It would be very different and make a lot of swing voters sit up and take notice. *Except for the fifth power ring, held by the Indian kid, "Heart." There was earth, air, water, fire, and heart. Earth had the power to shake the earth. Water had the power to control the sea. But heart had the power to move you.
posted by fafnir at 10:45 PM
Every day I go on the internet and read the news on all sorts of items of world import such as medicare and Glofish and military blimp development and Glofish rights and Iraq. And every day I see stories about Iraq bein unstable and I yell at Iraq, "Stupid Iraq! Be more stable!"
"It is like a willful child," says Giblets. "It will do just the opposite of what you say, until you stick it in a big bag and swing it around for a while." "You are a bad bad parent," says me. "I know," says Giblets. "Good thing I have no idea where my children are." So after readin about how they blew up the head of the Iraqi Governing Council with a car bomb and how they shot up Ayatollah Sistani's house in Najaf today it is good to see that they have finally found the weapons of mass destruction. "Well, weapon, singular," I says to Giblets. "Weapon of some destruction." "It was a whole shell," says Giblets. "In the hands of Saddam Hussein he could have used that to easily conquer countries as vast as the Vatican's Order of the Knights of Malta." "Yes, but now it has been exploded," says me. "Our military has protected us from the tyranny of rogue artillery." "But the hunt for these WSDs must continue," says Giblets. "Saddam may have left vast cubbyholes of chemical, biological, and nuclear weaponlings all over Iraq." "Very true," I says. "We must remain vigilant." In the meantime Fafblog raises a celebratory toast to the disarmament process.
posted by fafnir at 6:11 PM
Speaking of the Pope, it is time for another edition of POPE DEATH WATCH.
Today is the Pope's birthday and he is 84 years old and he is publishing a new autobiography that will answer all kinds of interesting questions about the Pope like "oh wow Pope what's your faaaavorite color" and "what was it like opposing communism Pope?" and "ohhhh wow I wonder what a new Pope autobiography would look like!" But the one question it will not answer is when will you die, Pope? When will you die? Giblets was told last year that the Pope was in imminent danger death. Imminent! I was promised a brand new Pope with shiny gleaming cyborg powers. But instead I have the same! Old! Pope! It is true Giblets is not Catholic and so this does not effect him much. But I have been in Catholic churches and I have a couple boxes of those wafers in my house somewhere (they are very dry and stale and Jesusy, I do not recommend them). The BBC says the Pope displays a "renewed vigour," which is British for "renewed vigor." Damn you BBC! Damn you all, Giblets wants a new Pope, a better Pope, a Space Pope! Come back when you have found a liver cyst or syphilis or something. Giblets is tired. Labels: popery
posted by Giblets at 1:34 PM
Giblets has always been big on the Catholic Church. Big pointy hats, the inquisition, speaking ex cathedra, sacking Constantinople. Giblets and Catholicism see eye to eye on a lot of issues. Which is why I was interested when I saw a month ago that the Vatican was calling on priests to deny communion to pro-choice Catholics like John Kerry.* One bishop has one-upped this by threatening to withhold communion for any Catholics who vote for politicians who support views the church disagrees with.
Some say this is a cynical move to use religion as a blunt instrument in an election year. And they're right - but what a move! Giblets is impressed, Catholic Church. The Pope has been mostly on the sidelines of the "bully and manipulate American politics with faith" game for decades now but this throws his giant pointy hat in the ring - and with today's sainting of the lady who died to prove that a lethal childbirth doesn't give you an excuse to get an abortion, the Pope's making sure it stays there. For years and years the heavyweights have been protestant fundamentalists and they don't even have the organizational power that the Pope has behind him. If it takes off these guys could be like the AFL-CIO, the Mafia, and the Christian Coalition all rolled into one. Giblets could not be happier if they pull this off, because frankly he is damn sick of all this "secular representative democracy" talk that's been going on for the last couple centuries. Giblets pines for a return to the traditional values - divine right of kings, universal serfdom, the mass subjugation of women - we started to lose with good old fashioned medieval theocrats. *Giblets feels a little for John Kerry. The Catholic Church barred Giblets from receiving communion months ago back when I started calling for the Pope to die and commenced the Pope Death Watch, but it hasn't sidetracked me any. Here at Fafblog central we have sixteen gallons of stolen holy water and a box of fig newtons which means Giblets can reliably transubstantiate delicious newtons into the Body of Christ at my convenience. Giblets's Body of Christ is sweeter and chewier than yours by far!
posted by Giblets at 12:52 PM
Monday, May 17, 2004
As the Medium Lobster darkly portended once before, gay marriage will wreak Apocalyptic havok of Biblical proportions upon the celestial firmament, poisoning the Divine Law of God and causing the very Empyrean itself to collapse, bringing about the reign of utter Chaos in an eschatonic conflagration. Nevertheless, like the prophet Cassandra, my words fell on deaf ears, and today in Massachusetts, the darkest of all unholy unions has been forged: civil marriages between partners of the same sex.
Learned readers will recall sadly that the end times are now upon us, and those of you still constrained to linear dimensions will most likely perish in the ensuing heat death of your universe. But what of the local effects? What will happen to America? What of civilization? Sadly, Western civilization - and all civilized culture - is doomed. Marriage is the social force that binds individuals together into the basic building blocks of civilization, families, which higher beings recognize as "Familions." However, the pervasively corrosive force known to metaphysicians in crosstemporal planes as Gay has now been allowed to intermix with Marriage, allowing Individutrons of any gender combination to form Familions, creating unstable, or "nega-matter" Familions. These Familions emit waves of radiation that cause stable, or "Straight" Familions to decay at the sub-Familion level. Eventually all Familions throughout Civilization will break up and decay into their base components, meaning that they will never be able to form Neighborhooditrons, Citinos, or Governmenticons, leaving the western world in chaos and anarchy. We are left, then, with the memory of what once was: the splendid, shining ediface of the West, torn to pieces by the unnatural desire for civil equality. As we stand amidst its crumbling piles of dust and mortar, the Medium Lobster would like to leave a fond farewell: Western Civilization. Born 3500 B.C. in early Mesopotamian city-states, Western Civilization developed numerous complex systems of political governance, conquered most of the inhabited world, and invented the hot air balloon, the nuclear bomb, and the ice cream cone. Died May 17, 2004, of a gay agenda in a Massachusetts court house. It is survived by isolated anarchist survivalist camps and nomadic bands of flesh-eating zombies.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 3:28 PM
Saturday, May 15, 2004
Yknow sometimes it seems like a whole lot of people would be a whole lot happier if we never bothered with this whole Iraq war thing. And now that we are stuck in the middle of it there doesn't seem to be any real way of getting out of it without making it a whole lot worse than it was before. Unleeessssss we come up with a really smart plan. A supersmart plan. A Fafnir-smart plan.
Here is my, Fafnir's, plan to get us out of Iraq. In the middle of the night while everybody in Iraq is sleepin we pack up all our stuff, tanks, bombs, guns, tents, extra buildings and everything, and stuff it into our planes and helicopters so we can get out real fast at the drop of a hat - a fast hat. Then we will have specially trained troops sent out to each Iraqi home with cords attached to their backs and wait until sunrise and when all the Iraqi families start to wake up yawning and stretching and so on our troops jump out waving wiggly fingers and goin "It was allllll a dream... it was alllllll a dream!" The wiggly fingers here are very crtical here and if not done correctly could spoil everything. Then our troops will jump back an get pulled up into the sky by the cords on their backs (remember them?) and all our guys will fly out quickly into the Persian Gulf and onto our carriers which will have been cleverly disguised as a group of banana boats from the Carribbean blown off course by prevailing winds. We will have hand-painted* signs that say "Sorry no bananas Iraqis" in case Iraqis try to buy bananas from our aircraft carriers. When the Iraqis wake up to see the wiggly fingers and the disappeared Americans they will be confused, and then they will all go "Huh! That must have been a weird dream" an then they talk to their next-door Itaqis who say "did you have that weird dream" and they say "you mean the one where the Americans come and overthrow Saddam Hussein and first we are all happy and then we get sad and then angry and blowing things and people up?" and then they say again "Yes, that dream! I had it for the last year or so it must have been a recurring one." And they will say "Whoa weird" and "What happened to Saddam Hussein" and "He seems to be gone now! I guess we had better go build our own sovereign democratic state here, perhaps aided by the United Nations" and "Wow that sounds like a great idea!" Now I know what you are thinking. You are thinking "Fafnir the wiggly fingers while potent cannot possibly be enough to convince 22 million Iraqis that they have been asleep and dreaming for the last fourteen months." I recognize that which is why we will also have the smoke machines to add to the effect. The best part about the smoke machines is they give a place a tasteful dream sequence ambience while also coverin up aerial escape route. We will also have to get every other country which isn't Iraq to go along with the whole dream story but since everyone just wants this thing to be over it seems pretty doable, and countries have been pretty good at keepin secrets together before like that time everybody was throwin a birthday party for Bulgaria and everyone else was pretending they had forgotten Bulgaria's birthday and then China and Denmark are all "C'mon Bulgaria let's go out to dinner at this little Italian restaurant" and as soon as Bulgaria gets into the back room, "SURPRISE!" Ha ha, what a great time that was. And then Greece opened fire on Turkey again. Anyway. If we follow through on this I am pretty sure everybody stands a pretty good chance of coming out clean here. We get to go home, Iraqis get to forget to be bitter and resentful towards us, and everybody gets a democracy in Iraq. And we all get to use smoke machines! I submit this to the world community for your perusal. * for authenticity
posted by fafnir at 11:51 PM
How can America effect a swift and stable handover of power to a sovereign Iraqi government? What changes to its current Iraq policy must be implemented to minimize the terrible losses of blood and treasure it has so far endured, and maximize the new Iraq's chances of success? As with all things, the Medium Lobster holds the answer: in order to change its policies for the better, America must stay the course, and make no change at all.
If your President has lead you into an ever-deepening quagmire in a strategically-questionable war, re-elect him. If your Secretary of Defense's technocratic fantasies have left your occupation force undermanned and unsupplied, retain him. If your military leaders have allowed an atmosphere of gross physical and sexual abuse to flourish, praise them. And if you meet the Buddha on the road, and if he and his militia of fanatics have seized the holy cities of Najaf and Karbala, let him kick around for a good couple months. Few but the enlightened will understand the pearls of wisdom the Medium Lobster now generously extends, but in the hopes that someday you, dear reader, may sip even once and briefly, from the celestial cup of true awareness, I present to you the following, for recitation and meditation: Bush-tzu and the fishes One day Bush-tzu and another monk were walking along a riverbank. "How terrified the fishes are of weapons of mass destruction!" Bush-tzu exclaimed. "You are not a fish," the monk said. "How do you know whether or not the fishes are terrified of weapons of mass destruction?" "You are not me," Bush-tzu said. "How do you know that I do not know that the fishes are terrified of weapons of mass destruction?" Years later, the monk was enlightened. Ailes's Zen One day, Ailes received one of Hofuku's disciples and asked him, "How does your teacher instruct you?" "My teacher instructs me to shut my eyes and see no evil thing; to cover my ears and hear no evil sound; to stop my mind-activities and form no wrong ideas," the monk replied. "I do not ask you to shut your eyes," Ailes said, "but you do not see a thing. I do not ask you to cover your ears, but you do not hear a sound. I do not ask you to cease your mind-activities, but you do not form any idea at all." Years later, the monk was enlightened. Cheney's Mu One day a troubled monk approached Cheney, intending to ask the master for guidance. A dog walked by. The monk asked, "Does that dog have Buddha-nature?" Cheney shot him. Years later, the monk was enlightened.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 10:44 PM
Really people. This one is kind of a no-brainer.
Even people who are not Giblets know that the United States military is not good at nation-building. What it is very very good at is nation-wrecking. It can line those nations up and knock 'em over like pinballs! It would really be almost frightening if Giblets were not comofortably residing in the United States (a principality of the Pax Gibletsia). Whenever you start working on a major project - a novel, a play, a military occupation - you wanna stick with what you know, what you're good at. We call this "playing to your strengths." America, you are good at blowing things up. Do not be ashamed of this, America! Embrace it, it is part of your rich heritage! Look how fast you took down Baghdad! It was only when you started putting it back together again that things got rough. So what we want to do is start turning the occupation away from "nation-building" and back towards the "nation-wrecking" that was working out so well for us in the beginning. Do not sit around as targets for guerilla attacks while guarding supply convoys! Use air strikes on major civilian and military infrastructure. "But Giblets how will the Iraqis ever form a free and sovereign state" you say because you are stupid. They won't - that is the point! If you bomb them enough they will never recover from their bombings and nothing like a state will ever exist in Iraq. And if a state can't exist in Iraq it can't sponsor terror. Your problems are solved! In fact Giblets's "bomb and re-bomb" strategy is so simple it can be used on lots of countries at once. Just skip the occupation and do multiple rounds of nation-wrecking in places like Iraq, Iran, and Syria. It is so simple only a child could understand it! Giblets also has a brilliant solution for "How To Resolve The Standoff With North Korea" (hint: it starts with "n" and ends with "uclear bombardment").
posted by Giblets at 9:36 PM
Yknow this is the time during your standard drawn out occupation when people start talkin about "blah blah exit strategies" and "bloobity bloobity peace with honor." So here at Fafblog we are each gonna make a bold an excitin proposal about how the US can get itself out of the predicament, the difficult or precarious situation, the land with a soft muddy surface it finds itself in with Iraq.
Giblets goes first because he has the bow tie with the least amount of Buddha nature, I go last because I have the bow tie with the most amount of Buddha nature, and the Medium Lobster goes in the middle because his bow tie transcends Buddha nature.
posted by fafnir at 8:54 PM
Friday, May 14, 2004
There is not much blogging in this strange strange country. Where are the mass walls of computers? Where is the free-flowing internet? Where is Chris-who-eats-chicken?
"He has abandoned us," says Giblets. "Like Yahweh in Egypt land," says me. "Egypt Land is great," says Giblets. "Have you tried the Pyramid Ride? It ducks and swoops twice into Pharoah Lagoon!" "I was not tall enough to ride the Pyramid Ride," says me. "You had to reach the mummy's arm." "Stupid mummy," says Giblets. "The Frankfort Indiana Hot Dog Festival is not for another two months," says me. "What will we do for another two months?" "Giblets needs no hot dogs," says Giblets. "Giblets needs ribs." "If we planted ribs in the ground would they grow into a woman, like in the Bible?" I says. "That would be an empirical test of the existence of God," says Giblets. "But then we would not need faith," says me. "And where would God be?" "In space, orbiting the Moon, where he always is," says Giblets. "That's very true," says me. There is nothing on television right now. Nothing at all.
posted by fafnir at 11:04 AM
In these troubling times of war, terror, and strife, the Medium Lobster has been heartened to see one bold force standing above the frothing Islamofascist rabble in the Mideast, brandishing the bulldozer of peace. Yes, in the wake of his party's rejection of the Gaza settlement withdrawal plan, Ariel Sharon has nonetheless stuck with the peace process to the end by demolishing Palestinian refugee camps.
Using the clever pretext of a nightmarishly cynical land grab, the Israeli forces have actually begun to bring peace to Gaza the only way they can - through a bold and unilateral disarmament policy, removing all the most deadly weapons from the region - beginning with the pieces of stone and brick which can be so hurled to such deadly effect at Israeli soldiers, including "dual-use" rocks used for the building of houses and shelters. Indeed, with luck and peace at their side, the IDF may reduce all potential terrorist weaponry in time to harmless sand, freeing the Palestinian people from the terrible influence of the Islamist death-buildings that never truly sheltered them. The Medium Lobster can only hope we will all live to see that day.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 10:20 AM
Thursday, May 13, 2004
Apparently senior citizens are very confused about the new Medicare presciption drug benefit. The new benefit forces them to choose between 73 different plans, they complain. They have to commit to a plan for a year but the companies behind those plans can drop coverage for drugs and change prices at any time, they complain. The plans are too confusing for their senile, senile brains, they complain. They can't read the Medicare instructions because lack of medication has left them blinded by cataracts, they complain.
Awwwwww! Poor old seniors! Do you know what this is, seniors? (Please imagine Giblets miming a violin-playing motion with his fingers) It is Giblets playing the world's smallest violin just for the seniors who are too stupid to figure out how their obscenely expensive new Medicare drug benefit works. In a proper honest Gibletsian society you would all be released into the jungle to be eaten by giant insects upon retirement, or perhaps forced to run through a televised master gauntlet policed by extravagantly costumed killer police cyborgs, instead of plodding on into old age and becoming part of a immensely potent voting block. We have given you massive and deeply flawed entitlement programs that won't survive your children. We have bloated those programs with sops to pharmaceutical companies and the AARP. We have given you Florida, a once barely-habitable swampland now terraformed into a hellish biodome of rest homes and tourist traps. And now you want the ability to see, too? Well, Giblets's generosity is not endless. If you do not toughen up, seniors, it will be the insects for you. Then we can spend that Medicare cash on something really important, like mini-nukes.
posted by Giblets at 12:30 PM
Well, Giblets doesn't know exactly what to say here on the subject of the terrorists who chopped off an American civilian's head in Iraq in front of a video camera. I mean how many times in this war can you talk about how "atrocities are horrible" or "atrocities are nightmarishly horrible" or "dear god please please stop these atrocities" before words like "atrocities" begin to have about as much rhetorical weight as words like "toaster pastries"?
What are we supposed to say at this point? Let's really, REALLY try to kill the terrorists now? That this latest death-maiming is really the last straw on the death-maiming camel's back? Giblets has become desensitized to reality at this point. Maybe the worst part about this is that reality is starting to desensitize me to fiction. Giblets is more likely to commit fictional violence now that he has seen so much real horror on television. On the plus side they have taken down these guys' website. The hosting company took it down because the number of hits was causing their server to crash. Well, Giblets is satisfied. It's good to see that a graphic video of a man being decapitated is being taken off the internet because of the Slashdot effect. We are making great progress as a civilization here, people.
posted by Giblets at 11:04 AM
Things of note seen on the road:
posted by fafnir at 8:54 AM
Wednesday, May 12, 2004
The bus is stopped in the middle of the tunnel. We have started wonderin if somethin is wrong.
"Maybe the bus is dead," I says. "The bus is not dead," says Giblets. "It is insolent and stupid and smelly and bad." "It is a bad bus," I says. "It is a very bad bus," says Giblets. "It very poorly represents the Platonic ideal of Bus," I says. "Why didnt we take the plane, the plane is far superior to the bus," says Giblets. "Because we are poor," I says. "We are a poor Fafnir and Giblets and are consigned to the bus." "There are children on this bus," says Giblets. "Screaming children," I says. "Giblets hates children," says Giblets. "I fear children," I says, "because of their sharp sharp teeth." "Children are just like adults," says Giblets, "Only smaller and more stupid and smelly and bad." "Why didnt we take the train, the train is far superior to the bus," says Giblets. "We will live with bus-regret for all our lives," I says, and it is true. The bus is still stopped in the middle of a tunnel. Everyone figures somethin is probably wrong.
posted by fafnir at 11:35 PM
Monday, May 10, 2004
As the Medium Lobster drifted through the heavenly aether this afternoon, Edward of Obsidian Wings managed to alert us to the Virginia state legislature's recent decision to ban any "partnership contract or other arrangement between persons of the same sex purporting to bestow the privileges or obligations of marriage." Indeed, with one bold stroke, Virginia has done away with the shadowy threats of gay marriage, civil unions, joint-filing status and hospital visitation rights for homosexuals. But is this truly enough?
The Medium Lobster has already addressed the cosmic threat to celestial harmony that is gay marriage before. But the even more pernicious threat of gay civil contracts also tears at the fabric of civilization. If gays are allowed to continue to form civil contracts with one another that guarantee partnership rights, it would erode the sanctity of civil contracts forever. After all, a contract giving one's domestic partner the medical power of attorney is not some crass secular bond to be toyed with and redefined at will. It is a divine institution, set forth by God himself, and to allow a same sex couple to make the same inheritance provisions as a married couple would violate the sacred laws of contractual obligation. So the Medium Lobster salutes Virgina's attempt to put a stop to creeping secularity in our private arrangements. Only one qualm remains: will this law alone be enough, or will activist courts allow the homosexual agenda to taint the very fabric of civil contracts? The Medium Lobster fears that America may need to amend its constitution to prevent any further damage from the encroaching forces of private gayness.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 8:17 PM
Edward Underscore from Obsidian Wings points out growin concern of a dirty bomb attack in the US or Europe and is gathering tips from around the blogosphere on how to survive a dirty bomb. This is very important and serious an it is time that we here at Fafblog address this critically critical issue for you our Fafblog readers. What should you do if there is a dirty bomb?
posted by fafnir at 1:05 PM
Giblets is seeing a whole bunch of people yelling for Rumsfeld to resign lately. And for what? A widespread pattern of atrocities? Some horribly botched war planning? Disastrous interference with the CIA and State Department? Okay yes, that is exactly why they want him to resign. And y'know sure, there are probably a lot of better qualified people to run the Pentagon than Donald Rumsfeld, a lot of people who could run the war without mucking it up as much as he has, and firing him would probably make those spoiled Iraqis a little happier. But at what price?
If Rumsfeld resigns the terrorists will win, because we will have done exactly what they wanted us to do. All of their suicide bombings and rocket grenade killings and getting tortured by guards have been leading up to the moment when they can trick American politicians to pressure Donald Rumsfeld into quitting. And if he quits it will be appeasement - appeasement to terror! It will be Madrid and Neville Chamberlain and "The Spaghetti Incident" all over again! To everybody who wants a weak America, who wants a pansy-ass runnin-scared fraidy-cat America, Giblets has this to say: God bless Donald Rumsfeld because he is taking the fight to the terrorists, in some vague, ill-conceived sense that doesn't seem to be working out well but hey, Giblets is not a "details" person he is a "big picture" person. And even if you do get rid of this one good man, I am confident that there are a lot more where he came from.
posted by Giblets at 8:57 AM
Mothers Day is always confusin for us here at Fafblog. The Medium Lobster is of course a higher being who transcends origin and therefore has no mother unless you count Izzy. "But the Medium Lobster transcends Izzy," says Giblets. "Very true," says me.
Giblets an I are confused about our own roots. True we are Norwegian-Sri Lankans who live in America. But what of our mothers? "Did we have proper mothers Giblets?" I says. "Or were we put together by big cold soulless machines?" "I think I remember my mother putting me together using a big cold soulless machine," says Giblets. "I remember bein told, 'Be good, children, and we'll mail you in a box to America.'" I says. "And we were all, 'Yaaaaaaay!'" says Giblets. "Those were good days, back in the box," I says. "Ah nostalgia." "But what of our mothers?" says Giblets. Yes what of our mothers? What of the mothers of Fafblog? They were good mothers. They were honest mothers. They were caring mothers. They were strange, strange mothers. We salute you, mothers. Take care.
posted by fafnir at 8:27 AM
Saturday, May 8, 2004
John Quiggin over at Crooked Timber and Paul Krugman over at his little rag have spooky pieces about oil right now. Key points of interest include: will oil prices stay high forever? Are we running out of oil? Where can Giblets get his hands on some oil if he really has a major oil jonze goin'? Does oil come from dinosaurs? No really, doesn't it come from dinosaurs? Oh. Now Giblets feels bad about sticking all his dinosaur friends in tar pits all those years ago.
Krugman talks a lot about the oil squeeze and about China eating up more of the world supply of a limited resource, but what of Giblets, Krugman? Where does Giblets go for sweet, sweet crude? There is the pool, yes, but that is just for casual swimming and bathing. Giblets has a couple dozen kegs on tap but those are for special occasions, and on a regular basis I have thirty or so internal combustion engines running in my home (Giblets finds the incessant roar of their engines and belching of their smog comforting) and they are getting hungry, Krugman. So hungry! Quiggin says "low-cost substitutes" will "become attractive." Krugman says we will all have to "adapt." Giblets does not adapt to the world! The world adapts to Giblets! What am I going to do, get "fuel cells"? Hydrogen economies are for pussies! Giblets demands a monopoly on an exhaustible resource! Giblets demands a monopoly on an exhaustible resource NOOOOW!
posted by Giblets at 11:24 PM
Truly, the shocking revelations of the horrors of Abu Ghraib have posed a dire threat to America's fight for stability in Iraq and its greater war against terror. If left unchecked, this growing cancer threatens to consume every good thing America has worked for in the region - and the United States must quickly act against such an eventuality by suppressing any remnants of conscience lingering in our military.
As Tim Graham and Joe Lieberman have pointed out, the abuses committed by Americans in Abu Ghraib are mild compared to those committed by Saddam Hussein or Osama bin Laden. When one compares American atrocities to Iraqi or terrorist atrocities one quickly recognizes that American atrocities hold the moral high ground. Indeed, when stripped of all conscience, the callous and depraved American torturer is still morally far superior to the conscience-stripped, callous and depraved Al Qaeda terrorist. Hence one concludes that even sans moral compass, America is still a beacon of light within the Mideast. Were the atrocities committed in Abu Ghraib horrifying? Indeed. But more horrifying still would be a military unable or unequipped to deal with the Forces of Terror. Americans have seen the torture and the raping, certainly, but they haven't seen the intelligence gleaned from said torture and raping - and the lives saved, pipelines constructed, and schools built because of that intelligence. Can the West really afford to have an Iraqi insurgent's pride in his unexposed genitalia - his unexposed, terrorist genitalia - come between US troops and a shipment of arms bound for a Baathist cell? Can American children sleep safely if a prisoner's unelectrocuted testicles - unelectrocuted Islamist testicles - prevent him from confessing the location of a suicide bomber, or his participation in late night Black Sabbaths to summon Beelzebub amongst a coven of witches? America will still hold the moral high ground if it continues a policy of torture in Iraq. In fact, it would only surrender such a high ground if it ended that policy - much less take the self-destructive steps that such left-wing war opponents as Tacitus and The Economist have proposed. War, after all, is hell, and there is no room for such extravagences as conscience or humanity or moral high ground in hell.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 9:57 PM
So the FDA has decided that the mornin after pill is not gonna be sold over the counter. This is yknow a huge step backwards for women's health and for contraception and the prevention of abortions. But it is a huge step forward for what we at Fafblog like to call the "rights of the unconceived," which is just a few short steps from what we are really lookin forward to which is the rights of the inanimate.
I have personally spent hours an hours talkin to cans, waffle irons, boxes, printer cartridges and forks and they all dream of one thing: no longer bein treated as second-class citizens in the United States. Why is it we can casually throw out a burger wrapper as if its non-life life didnt matter? Why are staplers used against their will? So we're all excited about the rights of nonviable sperm and eggs bein protected under US law. But where is the love for America's plastic? When does lint get the right to vote?
posted by fafnir at 8:58 PM
Wednesday, May 5, 2004
Today is Cinco de Mayo! or as it is known in Mexico the Fifth of May. It is a holiday comparable in importance to the American Fourth of July. It celebrates the day when Mexico signed their declaration of independence and threw off the yoke of British colonialism, huzzah! It is also known as "Mexican Independence Day" or "The Day of the Dead" because the head of the Mexican army enlisted the spirits of the dead to help them fight the British troops. This became the basis for Lord of the Rings.
Cinco de Mayo is celebrated with the ceremonial burning of a piñata in the shape of King George, which is referred to as "the Guy." King George is called "the Guy" because it is sort of an informal version of saying "the Man," like "the Guy has me down" or "I gotta work for the Guy." He is also sometimes called "Guy Fawkes" as in "The Guy Fawkes you" or "I am getting Fawked by the Guy." It is a more polite substitution for "fuck." In Mexico they are always terribly polite. Celebrate Cinco de Mayo today with a burning Guy or a thing for the dead or a gamelan or whatnot! It is Cinco de Mayo. Have fun.
posted by fafnir at 4:44 PM
As long as old Vietnam veterans who sorta served near or around John Kerry are comin' out and saying how much he sucks, Giblets might as well get in on the action. This action is now Giblets's. It belongs to Giblets! Bow before Giblets!
Giblets served on the very same boat that John Kerry did in Vietnam. And by "served," I mean that Giblets visited it, or a boat very much like it, at a museum. Giblets found the boat - and Mr Kerry - boring and demeaning to America. Giblets has also served admirably and been wounded in Vietnam, or at least has watched a whole lot of Vietnam movies. I yelp in pain every time I watch "Platoon." Giblets is not alone either. I have a number of friends who are ragged veterans of such military games as "Tom Clancy's Splinter Cell" and "River Raid" and they all think John Kerry was a lousy soldier - and a waffler on key legislative issues too. We are available for press conferences and fundraiser luncheons.
posted by Giblets at 12:43 PM
 Last night I went to a gamelan concert. Gamelan is Javanese for "large unwieldy gong assembly with ornamental dragons." It is so cool! I recommend that everybody go down to their local music store and get themselves a gamelan and learn to play. "But Fafnir I am learnin to play the guitar like the rest of the people in my college band" you say because you are lame. Stop being lame! Any ol shmuck can play the guitar. This is a gamelan! It takes balls to play gamelan.When a gamelan piece starts up it sounds like a huge guy made of bells an flutes and stringed things walkin over a mountain an you just think "Man that guy looks like a cool guy, I'd like to figure out where he's goin" so you head off down the mountain on your emu (you are riding an emu) after him. Of course the program for this gamelan concert said different. It described the piece as ...the lyrics address the cricket with proverbial good advice: "Chirping cricket, hiding in your hole, come join your friends. Don't live your life under a rock!" Then he gets eaten by a big bug.Fafblog extends its greetings to gamelans and crickets everywhere.
posted by fafnir at 11:37 AM
Tuesday, May 4, 2004
The time is Giblets o clock. It is time for the news. Trust Giblets as an objective presenter of the truth! Trust Giblets as an objective presenter of the truth NOOOOOW!
posted by Giblets at 4:47 PM
The most terrible and heartbreaking thing ever in the world has happened. One of my Glofish has died.
Blinky (we are pretty sure it was Blinky) was lookin weird an bent and hunchbacked for a while, and couldnt get up off the bottom of the real easy, and then yesterday he died. I was inconsolable for a long time until Chris promised me he would get me a mutant cyborg Glofish to replace him. Chris denies this but it is true. The cyborg fish's name will be Sir Horatio Weatherspoon. The man at the fish store claimed that Blinky's intrinsic Glofishness may have caused him to die. "Those are those fish they inject coral DNA into," he says. "Yeah they glow," I says. "Well the genetic tampering makes them genetically inferior," says the fish store man who thinks he is some expert on glofish genetics now, "so it mighta had a genetic disease that killed it." "That is stupid, stupid fish store man!" I says. "Glofish are if anything genetically superior. They can glow! Ordinary non-glofish fish cannot glow. That is superiority right there." "Duuuuh I am sooo stupid, watch me say stupid things," says the fish store man. Anyway. The good news is the cause of Glofish freedom is now spreadin to England where the BBC and the Independent both have Glofish articles about the different things Glofish technology can lead to. I dunno they are interesting articles but they mostly focus on boring things like goats that can make supercheese and fast-growing salmon and environmental horror. Which is all interesting but misses the most important part which is that glofish really glow. What this could really lead to eventually is a host of other glowing animals like glomice, glocats, and even the fabled glomonkey. Dont you think people would be more eager to save whales if they were glowhales? Sure they would! Beautiful glowing whales. Anyway I will be mourning Blinky (we think it was Blinky) for much of the rest of today but will be back in case anythin interesting happens or in case yknow mourning gets borin real fast which is always a concern you have with mourning.
posted by fafnir at 11:22 AM
Sunday, May 2, 2004
So last night I was in this prematurely airconditioned supermarket and there were these aisles and aisles of bathing caps, an they had these sorta fourth of July plumes on em, and they were red, and blue, and yellow, and I wasnt tempted to buy them but they did remind me that I had been avoidin the beach.
"Chris" I says to Chris cause he's the one I talk to about the beach, "I wanna go to the beach." "Blah blah blah," says Chris who is eatin chicken. "Talk talk talk." "Chris you are so unhelpful," says me. "Blah talk blah. Talk talk blah." So I take the bus instead. The bus is big and old and smelly and ugly and the bus is all "Nggghhh the bus hates the beach, the bus doesnt go to the beach" and I go all "fooey to you the bus" and so I decide to walk to the beach as it is a pleasant sunny day and I see all kinds of interesting things on the way like several stop signs and Giblets and an old coke can. "Hey Giblets I am goin to the beach!" says me. "The beach is insolent," says Giblets. "Besides you hate the beach." "That's not true," says me. "Talk blah talk. Blah blah talk." When I get to the beach there is a huge beach monster there with enormous sharp teeth comin out of the sand. "Hey beach monster," says me. "RGGNRAAAFFRRRR" says the beach monster and it jumps for me and about fifty other Fafnirs all running away from it. "Run Fafnir!" say the other Fafnirs. "Aaaa!" says me and I start runnin. I stop to rest in this prematurely airconditioned supermarket and there are these aisles and aisles of bathing caps, an they have these sorta fourth of July plumes on em, and they are red, and blue, and yellow, and Im not tempted to buy them but they do remind me that I have been avoidin the beach. Stupid bathing caps.
posted by fafnir at 11:09 AM
Saturday, May 1, 2004
Supreme Court Justice David Souter has been attacked while jogging!
I do not have to tell loyal Fafblog readers that Supreme Court Justice David Souter is by far our favorite Supreme Court Justice here at Fafblog. He just kicks ass. Yes he is kind of a nerd and weirdly awkward in public but look at him he is so damn cool! He is totally the David Byrne of Supreme Court Justices. His opinion on United States v. Bestfoods just rocked. Anyway I'll bet it was those big jerks Scalia and Rehnquist who beat him up. Everyone knows they are the bullies of the Court always beatin up Kennedy and stealin Ginsberg's lunch money. Rehnquist is always actin like he's the big hot shot boss with his captain stripes. Man they've gone too far, knockin on Souter.
posted by fafnir at 6:06 PM
Before we all get too excited about the "torture and rape and sexual humiliation" of Iraqi prisoners by the US military, the Medium Lobster would like to make a few general notes about what is of course a terrible discovery but is not to be blown out of proportion.
- The activities that occurred at Abu Ghuraib prison are not to be compared to those of Saddam Hussein's rape rooms and torture chambers. After all, those were rape rooms and torture chambers. These were merely rooms in which rape occurred, and chambers in which individuals were tortured. - In war, atrocities will happen, as dew on the grass in the morning, or flower blossoms in the spring. The dew gathers. The buds open. The atrocities bloom. It is all according to the mysterious, ever-unfolding cycle of life - a cycle too vast and complex for mere mortals to comprehend. - These were isolated incidents, and the behavior of these prison guards should in no way reflect upon the military superiors who endorsed and promoted such behavior. This is because atrocities are supervenient on subordinates, but not on command structures. Those with greater learning will understand. As another enlightened being has noted, the true tragedy of this revelation is its impediment to the War For Civilization, as it has made the Arab world "drunk with rage," and in so doing perhaps eliminated any potential for peaceful resolution to the Middle East conflict. Here within the higher spheres, where the dangerously intoxicating qualities of rage are understood, we heartily support efforts such as the President's nuclear development program as the last chance of maintaining international sanity and order.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 1:50 PM
Yesterday George Bush disagreed with "people in the world who don't believe that people whose skin color may not be the same as ours can be free and self-govern." A lot of high mucky-mucks like Josh Marshall and Atrios and George Bush are wondering just who these people are who think democracy will not work with brown-skinned people. Well, they is Giblets.
Giblets is a war supporter. I am very big on war. It is like a glass of fine white wine, it "cleanses the palate" of civilizations. Also it makes for fantastic television. More importantly it is enormously cathartic. After 9/11 Giblets was mad, real mad, and wanted to blow somethin up. Weapons of mass destruction? Who cares! Spreading democracy in the middle east? Never bought it! Giblets would be just as happy with a "democracy-minded strongman" like himself in charge. Yknow when those dictators think about democracy for an hour or so a day is when things really start to turn around. But Giblets has never believed that brown people are capable of self-government. Take the one brown person I know, Bucephalus. "Bananas?" says Bucephalus. Bucephalus lives in a sadly limiting binary world. A world of Bananas and Ape Has Killed Ape. "No, Bucephalus," I say to Bucephalus, for Giblets has no Bananas and would spare none for him if he had any. "No bananas." "Oh," says Bucephalus sadly. "Ape has killed ape." Bucephalus cannot understand the myriad levels of complexity between these two states. Everything is black or white, on or off, Bananas or Ape Has Killed Ape. How would Bucephalus or a congress of Bucephaluses draft a bill or pass a budget? It is inconceivable. It is not that Bucephalus is incapable of doing anything. He is an excellent juggler for example. Juggle, Bucephalus! Juggle for Giblets NOW! And he is rather obedient. Good Bucephalus! Very good Bucephalus. You have amused your lord and Giblets. Anyway, it is about time we cut through the crap, recognized the brown-skinned people of Iraq cannot self-govern, and put them under the control of Giblets. Then we can move onto the problem of the white-skinned people who clearly cannot govern America. I mean come on. You people can't even fill court appointments.
posted by Giblets at 10:13 AM
Well we are pulling out of Fallujah it looks like. Now I know a lot of gloomy guses out there are gonna talk about appeasement and the downfall of the occupation and encouraging insurgents but yknow what, I think this pullin-out-and-leavin-crazy-Iraqi-militia-alone-under-a-Baathist-general plan might be on just the right track.
Remember that old episode of The Cosby Show where Theo wants to move out of his house and go live in the real world so Dr Huxtable goes and sets up his house as "The Real World Hotel" where Theo is charged for rent and food and cant afford to eat or sleep and has to say "Aw dad man was I stupid in this episode!" and his dad says "Thassalright son have a Jello pudding pop!" Ha ha! That was a great episode. Well the moral of that episode is "be careful what you wish for because sometimes you're actually stupid" which is a valuable lesson we all should learn. What the US should do is give full sovereignty to all of Fallujah and put crazy Sunni militias in charge. At first they will be like "Awwwwright! Party in the mosque all Friday long!" but pretty soon they will learn that with Great Power Comes Great Responsibility and people will start comin up to them sayin hey crazy Sunni militias where's my electricity? and Hey crazy Sunni militias where's my job? and Hey crazy Sunni militias what happened to that universal health care plan you promised us? and crazy Sunni militias will learn the perils of incumbency. Meanwhile the US will be back in limited-sovereignty Iraq goin "Oh what's that crazy Sunni militias you don't want to run Fallujah anymore? Oh well" and they will apologize profusely and US ambassador to Iraq John Negroponte will put a fatherly hand around their shoulder, give them a Jello pudding pop and a summary execution. And everybody will have a big laugh it'll be fun! Anyway. CORRECTION: In the previous version of this post Fafblog referred to crazy Sunni militias as "Moqtada al Sadr," who is not holed up in Fallujah. Also Fafblog referred to Iraq as "Candyland," President Bush as "convicted child molester President Bush," and Supreme Court Justice David Souter as "the argument from supervenience." Fafblog regrets the error.
posted by fafnir at 3:26 AM
|
|
|
