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Thursday, May 20, 2004
In these times of change, Americans are looking for steady leadership. Indeed. Steady leadership... in times of change. But there are those who would doubt the steadiness of our present leadership. And perhaps the Medium Lobster cannot entirely blame them for doing so. With an Iraqi torture scandal growing larger by the day, threatening to engulf the highest levels of the Pentagon and the White House itself, with mounting American and civilian casualties in Iraq and the war on terror, with a radical Shiite cleric still at large in the nation's holiest cities, it is understandable how those with linear vision could question George Bush's leadership, and even consider John Kerry's as an alternative.
But what would a Kerry administration look like? Would John Kerry offer a "multilateral" solution to the war on terror - or a terrifying new failure? Let us look once again, my friends, into the Lobsterscope of the possible future of... ...PRESIDENT KERRY! In his first act as commander-in-chief, "internationalist" Kerry issues an executive order placing all United States military operations under the command of the United Nations! American troops are soon scattered across the globe, defending America-hating governments, propping up the new Islamist regime in Iraq, and serving as the private "honor guard" of the corrupt Kofi Annan, forced out of duty to fan him with hundred-dollar bills and anoint his naked flesh with oil made from the fat of impoverished and exploited third-world youths! In the meantime al Qaeda becomes emboldened by the abandonment of George Bush's "war" approach to terror, and founds its own Islamofascist state, Islamofascistan, complete with its own military and ballistic missile program! When Islamofascistan forces invade Turkey, Kerry can only respond with "police and intelligence operations" - which are helpless against the al Qaeda terror-state juggernaut! In March of 2006, Kerry's "police operation against terror" finally captures Osama bin Laden and the rest of his top lieutenants. But bin Laden's case is dismissed in court when it turns out that he wasn't properly Mirandized upon his arrest! Exiting the court room, bin Laden flips a middle finger towards a visibly perturbed Kerry, mouthing the words "Fuck you, copper!" As al Qaeda test-launches its first submarine-based nuclear missiles, Kerry considers "flip-flopping" on his policy of gutting vital military projects such as the missile defense screen. But a corrupt UN Security Council stays his hand, reminding the whipped and ineffectual Francophile of his 2005 Delegation of Pentagon Budget to Unsavory Foreign Powers Act. "You are my bitch, Mister President, and you will always be my bitch!" laughs Kofi Annan in his rich Ghanan accent. In August of 2007, Kerry finally and officially surrenders to the forces of Islamofascist terror in the new Islamofascist capital of MeccaMunich. The Treaty of Terror decrees that America's constitution will be replaced with a "Jihadstitution," which abolishes Freedom in the West and establishes a militant Terrorocracy of the Proletariat! Kerry, weeping on his knees, begs history for forgiveness - but his words are too riddled with shameful caveats and self-serving rhetoric for the ordinary plainspoken George W. Bushes of the world to follow. As for what happens next - ah, even the Medium Lobster dare look no further. Those horrors are stories for another time, my friends...
posted by the Medium Lobster at 12:37 PM
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