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Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Well I know we can win the Iraq War, an I even know how we can do it. It's a pretty complicated multi-step process an I'm simplifyin it a little bit for everybody here but I got it all spelled out an ready to go an believe you me it's gonna work. The key thing is this real big rock.
First thing you're gonna wanna do is stick a great big pile a terrorist food right over here. Now terrorists just can't resist that delicious terrorist food so they're all gonna come runnin from all over to get to it, an they're all gonna be too busy eatin it to notice that it's sittin on top a this great big painted "X" (see figure 1a). The logistics start gettin pretty tricky from here so everybody pay real close attention. The X a course is painted on the downward slope of a giant wooden level propped up on a nearby boulder (see fig. 1b). Now on the other end a the lever we drop the real big rock (fig. 1c), which is currently hidden outta view behind a convenient rocky butte, which will spring the lever and launch the surprised terrorists into the air and straight into the cliff face (fig. 2a), seriously disrupting communications throughout the insurgency and makin em all kinda hang there under the rock for a while til the force of the impact breaks the cliff face off, causing it to fall on top of the terrorists right after they've already hit the canyon floor (fig. 2b). I cannot stress enough the importance of the placement of the real big rock; please mark your explodographs accordingly. At this point there should be a sizable decrease in terrorist morale and activity, with the possible exception of sad little hand-held signs readin "Oh no!" and "Why me?" to which we may or may not choose to hold up our own equally-terse, taunting hand-held signs in response. When the terrorists pull themselves off the ground they'll be angry and compressed into funny accordion shapes and looking to retaliate, which is when they'll see us wavin off in the distance, come runnin to get us, and run straight into a rock wall cleverly painted to look like us instead (fig. 3a). At this point their intelligence apparatus will be in serious disarray resulting in a leadership-level confusion of a train with a painting of a train (fig. 3b) which should result in heavy locomotive-related injuries. The terrorists will stay stuck to the speeding train until it runs through the low overpass (fig. 4), which should scrape the terrorists off and send them falling over the rocky promentory (4a) and back onto the wooden lever (fig 1b), catapulting the real big rock (fig 1c), in a strange quirk of physics, directly on top of the terrorists, which should knock out their command and control structure. The terrorists in a surprising last ditch burst of strength will manage to hoist the big rock over their collective heads and roll it away, only to realize too late it is about to land back on the other side of the lever, catapulting Abu Musab al Zarqawi and the rest of the Sunni insurgency far over the horizon where they will disappear in a puff of white smoke. Now I know you got some questions. How much is this gonna cost? Given the operation's efficient use of natural geological formations, just $19.95 plus shipping from the good people at Acme. How can we judge its effectiveness? Well just look at that puff a white smoke! That an the tiny shrinking black circle means mission accomplished. Now of course I'm willin to listen to any other plans to win the war and stabilize Iraq but in the meantime I'll be here polishin my jet-powered super-skis. Labels: everybody loves a winner, point counterpoint countercounterpoint, warnography
posted by fafnir at 4:41 PM
A spectre is haunting America - a namby-pamby weak-kneed beret-wearing "oh no raw pig's head for me thank you I am a vegetarian" spectre, and it is the spectre of Losing! It has spread to Senators and Congressmen and military commanders (how could you let yourself down like this, General Casey!), and now it has seized a majority of Americans. Over 60% of the country thinks we should give up and run home weeping to our collective mommy for the application of band-aids of remorse to the boo-boos of wounded national pride. Well it won't work, America! All that will do is get the neighborhood bully of terrorism to steal our lunch money of national security during gym class and taunt us with the knowledge that his dad is bigger than our dad! His dad being a militant and unrepresentative variant of Islam.
Why do so many Americans want to lose? Giblets blames a monstrous and epidemic Culture of Losingdom fostered by liberal values of tolerance and multiculturalism! In the old days if you were poor you were a loser, and you worked in a lead paint factory for a penny a day or you killed and ate smaller, weaker, more losery poor people to get by - which made you stronger and more winnery as a result! Nowadays we just GIVE money to poor people to make them LESS poor. Why? Because liberals don't care about strengthening the coal-mining and dumpster-diving skills of our nation's destitute! They only care about preserving their contribution to America's rich tapestry of loserical diversity. Today the government forces us to display loser religions next to winner religions in public places, as if they were ALL real! Give Giblets a break - we ALL know Baby Jesus can totally kick that menorah's ass! And loser opinions are allowed to be printed in our newspapers, right next to the real opinions! They don't even print them in teeny print! Now liberals and Democrats are bringing their objectively pro-loser propaganda to the war in Iraq, where their talk about losing is sabotaging the greatest weapon we have: talk about winning! There is only one solution: a full military strike on Democrats across the country. If America fails to act now, Democrats might retake Congress next year - which means that Losing would win! Would beating the Democrats allow us to beat the terrorists? No, but Giblets would find it far more satisfying. And when we do lose to the terrorists, Giblets can always just blame it on the Democrats! And the French. And the Special Olympics! You can't ALL be winners, Special Olympians! Do the math! Labels: everybody loves a winner, point counterpoint countercounterpoint, warnography
posted by Giblets at 3:10 PM
America must win the war in Iraq. This isn't mere rhetoric, or some militant call to arms. It is merely a statement of fact. There is, at present, no way for America to lose the war, because there is no readily comprehensible plan to win.
Since the start of the Iraq war, the White House has brilliantly concealed its purpose, goals, and rationale. Was the goal a democratic Iraq? A stable Iraq? Any Iraq short of outright civil war? One year into the occupation the endpoint of the project was already so muddled it could be any of those of none of them. And therein lies the genius: if you have no set or discernible goal, there's no way to fail to accomplish it. And if you can't fail, how can you not succeed? Indeed, since the war has no clear objectives, its objectives can be adjusted to have already been met at any point. A successful terrorist attack becomes a sign of weakness and desperation in the enemy; an eruption of insurgent violence becomes part of a brilliant flypaper strategy. Consider the following dire sentiment: If America stays bogged down in Iraq, the country's deterioration into sectarian violence and partition may become inevitable, even as the sustained military commitment leads to the collapse of the U.S. armed forces as we know them.Grim, yes. But let's take a look at this pig wearing the bright, shiny lip gloss of victory! If America stays the course in Iraq, the country's advancement into sectarian friskiness and partition may become a success, even as the sustained military commitment leads to a transformation of the military for the twenty-first century.Ah, that's more like it! Indeed, once we discard any plans or expectations for actual success, victory can become anything: an oppressive theocracy, a costly, drawn-out slaughter, a bloody civil war, a butterfly dreaming it's a monk dreaming it's victory. What could "failure" possibly look like in the context of a scenario where we don't know what we're trying to achieve? When winning becomes a state of mind, insanity becomes an increasingly attractive option. What have you got to lose? Labels: everybody loves a winner, point counterpoint countercounterpoint, warnography
posted by the Medium Lobster at 2:19 PM
It's time for another round of Point: Counterpoint: Counter-Counterpoint! Today's topic is VICTORY. Should we be for it or against it? What about losing, doesn't it have several interesting arguments in its favor too? This is just the kinda complex issue you can't tackle from just two black an white sides. It takes THREE a those to get the job done, which is why we got Point: Counterpoint: Counter-Counterpoint!
Labels: everybody loves a winner, point counterpoint countercounterpoint, warnography
posted by fafnir at 12:43 PM
Saturday, October 23, 2004
Steady Leadership In Times Of Change
It's a confusin an frightenin time to be America. Because a 9/11 an these Times Of Change. "Oh no!" says America. "I'm so confused who do I vote for!" You need steady leadership in times a change America. The steady leadership of a big ol dog. Some other candidates say they are steady but are they really? Or are they just suspiciously french an ketchupy? "Sacre bleu, vive le France," say some other candidates. "Ceci n'est pas une pipe." Well always know where a big ol dog stands on hard issues like terror!" "HRARRGL HRAARRGL GRRRAAARRRGL," says a big ol dog bitin an spittin an growlin at terror. The dog is also tough on other dogs, postal workers, small children, plants an stuff that looks like plants. A big ol dog has a lotta resolve which you need in a president. When you throw a squeaky toy ball a big ol dog won't just chase the squeaky toy boll. He'll hunt it down an smoke it out! He'll even chase the squeaky toy ball when you don't actually throw it but just pretend to throw it an he won't give up for a long time either! That shows real determination which is important because we cannot wait for evidence of the squeaky toy ball when the evidence could come in the form of a mushroom cloud. We need a president that will send the right message to the terrorists. A message like "I'm big an tough an I'm not scared of you an I'm determined! Cause I'm a big ol dog!" Man can you imagine Osama bin Laden findin out the president is a really big mean-lookin dog? I bet he would freak. I'm talkin a real big dog. On November 2 vote for a leader with resolve an determination. For a leader who will face the enemy with aggression an fearlessness. For a leader that will bite you an not let go an you keep hittin it over an over an it just won't stop it is just that resolute. That's a big ol dog. Or come to think of it a gila monster! When they bite you they don't let go til they actually die, I saw it on a Discovery Channel special! Gila monsters are cool. Fafnir endorses a gila monster.
posted by fafnir at 1:16 AM
Friday, October 22, 2004
The Only Leader Who Can Protect You From Giblets
In the nonstop panic attack that is the modern American national security climate, it is difficult to see who may best lead America... difficult for stupid people! For while many things may be unclear in the heady rhetoric of the campaign season, one thing is certain: Giblets will destroy you if you do not vote for him. An attack by Giblets is certain. It is not a question of "if" but of "when." The only question left is: which leader do you trust to handle an attack by Giblets? To respond to Giblets? To prevent or pre-empt Giblets? There is only one candidate who understands Giblets and the threat posed by Giblets my friends. And that leader is Giblets. Other candidates believe that Giblets can be handled with "police operations" or "reduced to nuisance levels." Giblets knows better. Giblets knows Giblets is not a metaphor. Giblets is a threat to Western civilization - a threat to freedom itself! - that only Giblets can curtail. Only Giblets can protect America from Giblets because only Giblets "gets" Giblets. Giblets is a massive world-endangering force of nature and to turn back the force of this awesome Gibletsian tide America must turn... to Giblets. How serious are John Kerry and George Bush about protecting America from Giblets? As a senator John Kerry voted to cut two billion weapons systems that could have protected America from the impending Gibletsian attack. As president George Bush has set aside no money for counter-Giblets programs. And over the last year of campaigning neither one has mentioned Giblets in a major address except to note that he is "very short." One candidate is taking Giblets - and the threat of Giblets - seriously. One candidate knows that if Giblets's rivals are elected president he could transform into a pack of ravenous wolves and eat your children. And that candidate is Giblets. Does America really want to invite certain Gibtastrophe upon itself by electing candidates who are unprepared to lead them against Giblets? Giblets doesn't think so. And that is why America must elect Giblets, and his running mate, Giblets: for security. For safety. For victory. And then, once he is elected, Giblets can destroy you all. Giblets endorses Giblets.
posted by Giblets at 11:56 PM
Re-elect the Mascot King
When it comes to the war on terror, America cannot afford to have the wrong man at the helm. The leader of the free world must understand that this clash of civilizations is, above all things, a war of concepts, and he must have the strength and the purity to embrace the boldest possible vision. Now more than ever, America needs a man of ideas in the Oval Office. George W. Bush is that man. For his administration had not only embraced ideas, it exists, in a sense, only as an idea. It has so rapidly and so readily embraced the boldest of ideas that it has transcended the need for real actions, real plans, real accomplishments, and reality itself. Any leader could have made the war on terror into a tedious, ongoing struggle to unearth and uproot a multi-tentacled terrorist organization while attempting to heal the rifts between the Muslim world and the West. But George Bush didn't just see the task: he saw the grand idea behind the task, and better still, the vague abstractions behind the grand idea. And he was willing to fight those vague abstractions. Terror, weapons of mass destruction - they may not have been really in Iraq, but the idea of them most certainly was. And that was an idea the world's only superpower had to confront with real troops. But even in launching a bold, ambitious, and dangerous gamble to remake the Middle East by planting a modernized, liberal democracy in its midst, George W. Bush was determined to let the purity of his ideals stand unsullied by the taint of base reality. He wanted to let the idea of rebuilding Iraq stand free of the messy clutter of plans to realize that idea. What need was there for sufficient troop levels, a trained Iraqi police force, an international coalition or adequate planning when the strength of bold thought was on our side? And while the reality of Iraq may have steadily deteriorated, the idea of Iraq becomes brighter and brighter every day - and George Bush has stood for that idea, as he has stood for the idea of nuclear proliferation, even while scaling back on Nunn-Lugar and coddling Pakistan; as he has stood for the rebuilding of Afghanistan, even while consistently cutting corners on its funding; as he has stood for protecting the environment, even while gutting a host of environmental regulations dating back to the Nixon era; as he has stood for Homeland Security, even while dangerously underfunding actual security in ports, on borders, and in America's largest cities; as he has stood for civil liberties, even while supporting an amendment to make every gay American a second-class citizen and claiming the right to suspend the Geneva conventions. And in this we see that the George Bush presidency has elevated not only conventional politics, but the presidency itself, to an ideal: the president is no longer an executive who acts, but an Icon, who represents that which ordinary presidents hope to achieve by way of acting. We can only hope to see George Bush stand for more ideas in his second term: standing for a disarmed Iran, for a more peaceful Mideast, for the prevention of a nuclear 9/11. We hope to see him aided by a newer and even more powerful Cabinet of Mascots: Defense Secretary G.I. Joe, Treasury Secretary Uncle Moneybags, National Intelligence Director Boris Badanov, Transportation Secretary Michelin Man, and Agriculture Secretary Elsie the Cow. And who better to take the reins of the State Department - and stand for reconciliation with our allies - than that representation of dignity, diplomacy and grace, Mr. Peanut? Indeed, in time it may become possible that the distance between President Bush's ideas and his reality becomes so vast that he achieves pure abstraction - so that he himself is an idea, leading America not from the White House but from the Platonic Realm of Forms, where with but a thought he can eradicate the concept of Terror altogether. And that, my friends, is an idea worth standing for the concept of fighting for. The Medium Lobster endorses George W. Bush.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 10:47 PM
Friday, October 15, 2004
 Voting? Ha! Giblets cares not for voting one way or another! Go into your little booth! Punch your little chads! Walk away thinking "Oh I have done my civic duty! Oh I am fat and stupid! Oh I smell like a ham!" In the end your precious little vote will be meaningless because Giblets will destroy you.On November 3rd Giblets will seize control of the United States the sheer primal force of his Gibletsian will and toss it onto his pile of conquered nations! All who defy Giblets will be rounded up by his mighty Giblobot servants as enemies of Gibletocracy and locked within the Fortress of Insolence, where they will be beaten with rods and scoured with flames and forced to watch other people eat delicious cookies while goin "Boy these are delicious cookies! Do you have any delicious ice cream to go with these delicious cookies? Why I think these are the most delicious cookies ever!" Old rivals of Giblets's will be punished and tormented in a cruel and ironic manner! George W. Bush will be sentenced to a lifetime of cleaning out stables of corpulent war-hippos at Giblets's rustic Texas ranch! John Kerry will be forced to maintain international relations throughout Giblets's grand coalition by serving as a UN bicycle messenger boy! Ralph Nader will be allowed to roam free, where his constant assertions that Giblets is no worse than the Democratic Party will serve to torture Giblets's few remaining enemies even more! As for you, the voter? You will be forced to bow. To bow before Giblets. Those who do not bow will be destroyed - crushed under tons of war-hippo dung! But all this can be avoided. Avoided by voting for Giblets. Those who vote for Giblets will be rewarded in the new Gibletsian order! For although you will be enslaved along with your fellow citizens you will be rewarded mightily by demonstrating your allegiance to Giblets! Rewarded with a special position as a Slave-Plus. You will get easy work in Giblets's palaces: dancing for Giblets, bowing for Giblets, putting on puppet shows for Giblets! Think of how good you will have it! All of your friends will look at you and go "Now there's an up-and-comer! No salt mines for him!" And you will live in luxurious, opulent non-torment the rest of your days. Until you anger Giblets. And then Giblets will destroy you.
posted by Giblets at 6:14 PM
The bias of the mainstream media has become a palpable, poisonous thing of late. Unabashedly opinionated, today's journalists and pundits wear their prejudices on their sleeves, denouncing any idea that conflicts with their own as "unamerican." In this toxic atmosphere, dissent is crushed, activism stifled, and beliefs out of sync with "the norm" are derided as radical and even treasonous. In this foul environment, is it any wonder that anti-voting activism has been almost universally smeared as "voter fraud"?
The silent, moral majority of Americans have come down again and again on the side of the non-voter, and yet they are derided repeatedly as "apathetic," as "cynical," as "grossly uninformed and uninterested," as "fat-assed lazy bastards who refuse to give a fuck." No one is speaking for this majority but the anti-voter activist, courageously defying centuries of hidebound federal law to take a stand against the practice of voting. With every voter registration card they shred, with every eligible voter they strike from the rolls, these patriots are taking a stand - not only against voting, not only against change, but against the very possibility of voting, against participation in a process that might somehow allow for change. They recognize, like most voting and non-voting Americans do, that the best course is to stay the course: to allow 96% of Congress to win re-election in a walk, to keep the same leaders they've been pissed at for years, een decades. Indeed, not only is anti-voter activism a valid political stance, it is, in these troubled times, the correct one. In the Global War Against Islamism, the United States cannot waver in its dedicatio to a unilateral, state-based approach to fighting asymmetrical, non-state threats. And yet, the opportunity to vote for John Kerry could open that terrifying Pandora's box. For a John Kerry presidency would most certainly result in the defeat and destruction of Freedom as we know it. While the right to vote is sacred, it would turn to ask in the fires of Muslinazism. Voter fraud valiantly protects Americans from this possibility by removing that right in order to safeguard it. Once before, the Medium Lobster addressed this issue, specifically with regards to the possibility of postponing the election to prevent a Demacratoterrorist victory. Alas, the Bush Administration, cowed by the lobbying powerhouse that is Big Voter, moved nowhere on this pressing issue. It is up to patriotic citizens like Voters Outreach of America to take matters into their own hands. Save Freedom. Save Torpidity. Stop the Vote.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 6:07 PM
So lately I've been hearin a lotta people goin "Oh Fafnir what is the point a votin? My vote will not matter, blah blah blah. I am small an weak an easily devoured by predators, blah blah blah. Perhaps I should just shred my own voter registration card or perhaps vote for Ralph Nader."
An I go Shut up people! You stop bein small an weak an listen to why you should vote! "Oh no we are afraid of the enraged Fafnir" you say cause you're so small an weak. That's better! Now of course your vote counts!* So listen up cause today we're gonna FAF THE VOTE! with some neat little bipartisan arguments for getti out there an votin! The Argument From Coolness  Voting is cool! In fact it is so cool that you should want to be more cool by voting as well! Many voters are cool. Look at Chief Justice William Rehnquist of the Supreme Court! He's really cool an he votes all the time! In fact last election his vote counted extra! He's just that cool! The Argument From Celebrity Endorsement  TV's Jeff Probst"Hi, I'm TV's Jeff Probst! You may know from NBC's 'Survivor' how important voting can be! If we don't vote, none of us will be 'Survivors' - of democracy! Now eat this bucket of worms, you're on TV!" Intriguing and enlightening Mr. Probst! I hope all of us out there learned an important lesson today.  Santa"Ho ho ho! Voting is your civic duty, boys and girls! You can make a difference, as long as you live in a swing state and don't throw away your vote on a third party! Ho ho ho!" Santa you terrify me and I will obey your every command!  Britney Spears"Drink Pepsi!" Why that is a persuasive and convincin argument there Ms. Spears! I feel like a cold cool refreshin Pepsi right now in fact. The Argument From Fear This argument breaks down into three subarguments. Please pay attention accordingly. For Old People: "Bah, I'm old, I don't care about people get me my ointment!" say the old people. But you should care old people because the next president could Destroy Social Security! "Oh no!" say the old people. That's right you are terrified because you are so old an frail an you need your Social Security to survive but what if the next president is an evil president who's all "blah blah screw social security" where will you be then, old people? You will be poor an lonely an cold with no one to talk to, that is where. For Young People The next president could draft you! Draft you into a horrible meaningless war in a horrible meaningless hellhole like Whorecrapistan, a country made entirely of land mines an poison an constantly erupting volcanoes occupied by feuding warlords, fundamentalist religious groups an strongly nationalistic guerillas who see the US intervention as a ploy to exploit their rich supply of magma. Vote, young people, or that could be you! For Everyone Else You could be eaten. By bears. By giant ferocious bears. What if the next president turns out to be a man-eatin bear in a clever plastic disguise an you're all "Hello Mr President" an he's all "Why hell there citizen I RAAAARRR" an then eats you cause he's a giant man-eatin bear? Man you'd feel stupid then, not havin voted against the man-eatin bear! Vote vote vote! The Ontological Argument "Now we believe that [the Lord] is something than which nothing greater can be imagined... And certainly that than which a greater cannot be imagined cannot be in the understanding alone. For if it is at least in the understanding alone, it can be imagined to be in reality too, which is greater... Therefore if that than which a greater cannot be imagined is in the understanding alone, that very thing than which a greater cannot be imagined is something than which a greater can be imagined. But certainly this cannot be... There exists, therefore, beyond doubt something than which a greater cannot be imagined, both in the understanding and in reality." -St. Anselm Wrong, St. Anselm! By that argument there must exist a pie such that no greater pie can be imagined, which therefore must exist. Stupid St. Anselm! Mmmm... Godpie. *except maybe in Alabama, Alaska, Arkansas, California, Connecticut, Delaware, DC, Idaho, Illinois, Indiana, Kentucky, Maryland, Massachusetts, Montana, Nebraska, New York, North Carolina, Oklahoma, South Carolina, North Dakota, South Dakota, Rhode Island, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, or Wyoming
posted by fafnir at 4:38 PM
Well between some unexpected voter fraud in Arizona an Nevada this week an the Republican National Committe gettin steamed at Rock The Vote there's been a lotta talk about voting an not-voting an "extra special voting" lately. Is voting good? Is voting bad? Does your voting matter? When you shred somebody else's voter registration card do you make Uncle Sam cry or do you just make Big Daddy Partisan Tricks happy? Tricky questions!
We're gonna take a look at these issues today with another edition of Point, Counterpoint, Counter-Counterpoint. I'll go first cause I have the most Buddha-nature. The Medium Lobster will go second cause he has the second most Buddha-nature. Giblets will go last cause he met the Buddha on the road an ate him. Pay strict attention: this is educational an for the benefit of democracy!
posted by fafnir at 4:36 PM
Saturday, May 15, 2004
Yknow sometimes it seems like a whole lot of people would be a whole lot happier if we never bothered with this whole Iraq war thing. And now that we are stuck in the middle of it there doesn't seem to be any real way of getting out of it without making it a whole lot worse than it was before. Unleeessssss we come up with a really smart plan. A supersmart plan. A Fafnir-smart plan.
Here is my, Fafnir's, plan to get us out of Iraq. In the middle of the night while everybody in Iraq is sleepin we pack up all our stuff, tanks, bombs, guns, tents, extra buildings and everything, and stuff it into our planes and helicopters so we can get out real fast at the drop of a hat - a fast hat. Then we will have specially trained troops sent out to each Iraqi home with cords attached to their backs and wait until sunrise and when all the Iraqi families start to wake up yawning and stretching and so on our troops jump out waving wiggly fingers and goin "It was allllll a dream... it was alllllll a dream!" The wiggly fingers here are very crtical here and if not done correctly could spoil everything. Then our troops will jump back an get pulled up into the sky by the cords on their backs (remember them?) and all our guys will fly out quickly into the Persian Gulf and onto our carriers which will have been cleverly disguised as a group of banana boats from the Carribbean blown off course by prevailing winds. We will have hand-painted* signs that say "Sorry no bananas Iraqis" in case Iraqis try to buy bananas from our aircraft carriers. When the Iraqis wake up to see the wiggly fingers and the disappeared Americans they will be confused, and then they will all go "Huh! That must have been a weird dream" an then they talk to their next-door Itaqis who say "did you have that weird dream" and they say "you mean the one where the Americans come and overthrow Saddam Hussein and first we are all happy and then we get sad and then angry and blowing things and people up?" and then they say again "Yes, that dream! I had it for the last year or so it must have been a recurring one." And they will say "Whoa weird" and "What happened to Saddam Hussein" and "He seems to be gone now! I guess we had better go build our own sovereign democratic state here, perhaps aided by the United Nations" and "Wow that sounds like a great idea!" Now I know what you are thinking. You are thinking "Fafnir the wiggly fingers while potent cannot possibly be enough to convince 22 million Iraqis that they have been asleep and dreaming for the last fourteen months." I recognize that which is why we will also have the smoke machines to add to the effect. The best part about the smoke machines is they give a place a tasteful dream sequence ambience while also coverin up aerial escape route. We will also have to get every other country which isn't Iraq to go along with the whole dream story but since everyone just wants this thing to be over it seems pretty doable, and countries have been pretty good at keepin secrets together before like that time everybody was throwin a birthday party for Bulgaria and everyone else was pretending they had forgotten Bulgaria's birthday and then China and Denmark are all "C'mon Bulgaria let's go out to dinner at this little Italian restaurant" and as soon as Bulgaria gets into the back room, "SURPRISE!" Ha ha, what a great time that was. And then Greece opened fire on Turkey again. Anyway. If we follow through on this I am pretty sure everybody stands a pretty good chance of coming out clean here. We get to go home, Iraqis get to forget to be bitter and resentful towards us, and everybody gets a democracy in Iraq. And we all get to use smoke machines! I submit this to the world community for your perusal. * for authenticity
posted by fafnir at 11:51 PM
How can America effect a swift and stable handover of power to a sovereign Iraqi government? What changes to its current Iraq policy must be implemented to minimize the terrible losses of blood and treasure it has so far endured, and maximize the new Iraq's chances of success? As with all things, the Medium Lobster holds the answer: in order to change its policies for the better, America must stay the course, and make no change at all.
If your President has lead you into an ever-deepening quagmire in a strategically-questionable war, re-elect him. If your Secretary of Defense's technocratic fantasies have left your occupation force undermanned and unsupplied, retain him. If your military leaders have allowed an atmosphere of gross physical and sexual abuse to flourish, praise them. And if you meet the Buddha on the road, and if he and his militia of fanatics have seized the holy cities of Najaf and Karbala, let him kick around for a good couple months. Few but the enlightened will understand the pearls of wisdom the Medium Lobster now generously extends, but in the hopes that someday you, dear reader, may sip even once and briefly, from the celestial cup of true awareness, I present to you the following, for recitation and meditation: Bush-tzu and the fishes One day Bush-tzu and another monk were walking along a riverbank. "How terrified the fishes are of weapons of mass destruction!" Bush-tzu exclaimed. "You are not a fish," the monk said. "How do you know whether or not the fishes are terrified of weapons of mass destruction?" "You are not me," Bush-tzu said. "How do you know that I do not know that the fishes are terrified of weapons of mass destruction?" Years later, the monk was enlightened. Ailes's Zen One day, Ailes received one of Hofuku's disciples and asked him, "How does your teacher instruct you?" "My teacher instructs me to shut my eyes and see no evil thing; to cover my ears and hear no evil sound; to stop my mind-activities and form no wrong ideas," the monk replied. "I do not ask you to shut your eyes," Ailes said, "but you do not see a thing. I do not ask you to cover your ears, but you do not hear a sound. I do not ask you to cease your mind-activities, but you do not form any idea at all." Years later, the monk was enlightened. Cheney's Mu One day a troubled monk approached Cheney, intending to ask the master for guidance. A dog walked by. The monk asked, "Does that dog have Buddha-nature?" Cheney shot him. Years later, the monk was enlightened.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 10:44 PM
Really people. This one is kind of a no-brainer.
Even people who are not Giblets know that the United States military is not good at nation-building. What it is very very good at is nation-wrecking. It can line those nations up and knock 'em over like pinballs! It would really be almost frightening if Giblets were not comofortably residing in the United States (a principality of the Pax Gibletsia). Whenever you start working on a major project - a novel, a play, a military occupation - you wanna stick with what you know, what you're good at. We call this "playing to your strengths." America, you are good at blowing things up. Do not be ashamed of this, America! Embrace it, it is part of your rich heritage! Look how fast you took down Baghdad! It was only when you started putting it back together again that things got rough. So what we want to do is start turning the occupation away from "nation-building" and back towards the "nation-wrecking" that was working out so well for us in the beginning. Do not sit around as targets for guerilla attacks while guarding supply convoys! Use air strikes on major civilian and military infrastructure. "But Giblets how will the Iraqis ever form a free and sovereign state" you say because you are stupid. They won't - that is the point! If you bomb them enough they will never recover from their bombings and nothing like a state will ever exist in Iraq. And if a state can't exist in Iraq it can't sponsor terror. Your problems are solved! In fact Giblets's "bomb and re-bomb" strategy is so simple it can be used on lots of countries at once. Just skip the occupation and do multiple rounds of nation-wrecking in places like Iraq, Iran, and Syria. It is so simple only a child could understand it! Giblets also has a brilliant solution for "How To Resolve The Standoff With North Korea" (hint: it starts with "n" and ends with "uclear bombardment").
posted by Giblets at 9:36 PM
Yknow this is the time during your standard drawn out occupation when people start talkin about "blah blah exit strategies" and "bloobity bloobity peace with honor." So here at Fafblog we are each gonna make a bold an excitin proposal about how the US can get itself out of the predicament, the difficult or precarious situation, the land with a soft muddy surface it finds itself in with Iraq.
Giblets goes first because he has the bow tie with the least amount of Buddha nature, I go last because I have the bow tie with the most amount of Buddha nature, and the Medium Lobster goes in the middle because his bow tie transcends Buddha nature.
posted by fafnir at 8:54 PM
Monday, April 12, 2004
There has been no end of late to the nakedly partisan criticism of the Bush Administration's plan to hand over civilian control of Iraq on June 30, and as usual, these critics merely do the work of the terrorists. George Bush has a plan, and that plan is to turn political control of Iraq over to an unspecified group or groups on June 30th. And as long as America stays the course and hands over control of the occupation according to this arbitrary deadline, the battle of civilization over chaotic evil will end in victory.
Recall that this is not merely a war against "terrorists." It is not some mere struggle to "liberate" an "oppressed people." Such limited concepts do not interest ones as lofty as the Medium Lobster. No, Iraq is part of a grander war: a battle between Civilization and the forces of Barbarian Evil. In this framework, it becomes clear to all enlightened beings that victory will arrive on June 30 regardless of who receives control of Iraq. What does a deadline indicate? A deadline indicates the individual's recognition of his subservience to a schedule, to a societal and temporal structure larger than himself. It is the very foundation of Civilization. Turning over one regime to another on schedule indicates that regime is now functioning within the proper norms of civilized society, indeed, that its origins stem from it. In this context, it doesn't matter whether the United States turns civilian authority over to the United Nations or the Interim Governing Council or the most extreme of Khomeini-ite theocrats. Indeed, it would actually work to America's advantage to turn over authority to terrorists come June 30, for then those same criminal savages would be necessarily converted to the cause of Western society, and be bound by the same crystalline structures of order and reason that bind America to stay the course. As the United States carries the great torch of Western enlightenment, let it pass to Iraq on time and on schedule - or America is no better than the savages who would put out that bright light altogether.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 11:31 PM
Well Giblets sees that Fafnir would have us run away from terrorists. I'm sure it would feel nice and cozy on the Moon, Fafnir, with your Moon-drinks and your Moon-women and your relaxing Moon-music. But you would be relaxing in defeat without honor - and leaving an unstable Mideast behind to be overrun by evil. There is only one solution which can save Iraq from deterioration now, and it involves massive, massive bombs.
Remember how it was a year ago? Giblets does. Fantastic explosions all over Baghdad, thousands dead, and Iraqis were happy to see American soldiers. Why? Not because we had "freed them" from a "brutal dictator." But because they had experienced loving discipline. The discipline that comes with mass destructuon. Now Giblets hears a lot of namby-pamby types going on about "we can't afford to alienate the Iraqis Giblets" or "violence begets violence Giblets." That is crap. An occupation is like a child. Or a woman. Or a bottle of fine wine, perhaps. The point is, you must approach it with the carrot and the stick. The stick is thousands of tons of explosives dropped on mosques and radical religious leaders. The carrot is thousands of tons of explosives NOT dropped on mosques and radical religious leaders. When you discipline a child he grows up stronger and with better character. When you discipline a country you get a pliant and reasonable country with liberal democratic values. Or you get massive escalating war, in which case we still win because we have much bigger guns. Either way things come out rosy.
posted by Giblets at 9:36 PM
So things are goin bad in Iraq. Now I was against the war from the beginning and as someone who got it right and realized that the war was going to be bad and ugly and bad, I have come to the conclusion that we have no choice but to withdraw all our stuff from Iraq.
"But Fafnir" you say, "doesn't that mean the Terrorists Win." No because I am terribly clever. When we withdraw from Iraq we won't just take our guns and tanks and soldiers, we will also take our Iraqis with us! That way the terrorists cannot take over Iraq because there will be no Iraqis to take over. If Iraq is so screwed up that we cant fix it, why isnt it so screwed up that Iraqis shouldnt have to live in it? I say pull Iraq out of Iraq. It is time for it to come home. "But where are we going to put twenty two million Iraqis Faf" you say. "That's like a lot of Iraqis." Well that's the best part! We move them to the Moon! Who wouldn't want to live on the Moon? I mean come on! It's the moon! It's so much better than Iraq! There's plenty of room, and being on the moon is like bein in the future. If you own a goat it becomes a moon-goat. When you put out a fatwa you are putting out a moon-fatwa. This alone would make Ayatollah Sistani's job ten times as fun! I mean I'd move to the Moon if it wasn't gonna be full of Iraqis! This will make our country stronger strategically while accomplishing the also strong goal of putting awesome stuff on the Moon. No one is saying this will be cheap. But nobody likes war. And everybody loves the Moon! Eventually we could withdraw all our problem countries to the Moon. Come on Iran! How much cooler would it be to be Iran... on the Moon? Israel we might have to move to Mars but that's okay, Mars is even cooler, it has water and that face thing and robot mummies! Some will say I am being prejudiced towards Israel here but that is not true, there are enough planetoids to go around to move all our trouble spots.
posted by fafnir at 8:42 PM
We are introducin a brand new feature here at Fafblog. Hooray you will love it!
"Wow Fafnir what is this brand new feature?" says you or perhaps your forcibly virus-installed pornographic screen saver. Well I'll tell you. It is called Point: Counterpoint: Counter-Counterpoint. Each week me, Giblets and the Medium Lobster will debate a Matter of Weighty Import in a three-column format. There's nothing you can't learn from a three-column format! "That is amazing Fafnir I am so excited already!" says your pornographic screensaver as it deposits tracking cookies onto your system. It sure is, screen saver. This week we will discuss Progress In Iraq! Have we had any, and if so what should we do with it? "That is quite amazing Fafnir, I have always wanted to know all of Fafblog's varying opinions on one subject at once!" says your pornographic screensaver as it reports your email address to numerous free v146ra suppliers. Well now you will know! And knowing is half the battle. The other half of the battle is very large guns. But are we winning either halves of these battles in Iraq? You don't know yet because you haven't read Point: Counterpoint: Counter-Counterpoint! I will go first today because I'm tallest. Giblets will go second because he is shortest. The Medium Lobster will go last because while to our limited perception he appears to be a lobster which is neither large nor small he in reality transcends the concept of size.
posted by fafnir at 2:58 PM
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