Saturday, May 15, 2004
Yknow sometimes it seems like a whole lot of people would be a whole lot happier if we never bothered with this whole Iraq war thing. And now that we are stuck in the middle of it there doesn't seem to be any real way of getting out of it without making it a whole lot worse than it was before. Unleeessssss we come up with a really smart plan. A supersmart plan. A Fafnir-smart plan.
Here is my, Fafnir's, plan to get us out of Iraq.
In the middle of the night while everybody in Iraq is sleepin we pack up all our stuff, tanks, bombs, guns, tents, extra buildings and everything, and stuff it into our planes and helicopters so we can get out real fast at the drop of a hat - a fast hat. Then we will have specially trained troops sent out to each Iraqi home with cords attached to their backs and wait until sunrise and when all the Iraqi families start to wake up yawning and stretching and so on our troops jump out waving wiggly fingers and goin "It was allllll a dream... it was alllllll a dream!"
The wiggly fingers here are very crtical here and if not done correctly could spoil everything.
Then our troops will jump back an get pulled up into the sky by the cords on their backs (remember them?) and all our guys will fly out quickly into the Persian Gulf and onto our carriers which will have been cleverly disguised as a group of banana boats from the Carribbean blown off course by prevailing winds. We will have hand-painted* signs that say "Sorry no bananas Iraqis" in case Iraqis try to buy bananas from our aircraft carriers.
When the Iraqis wake up to see the wiggly fingers and the disappeared Americans they will be confused, and then they will all go "Huh! That must have been a weird dream" an then they talk to their next-door Itaqis who say "did you have that weird dream" and they say "you mean the one where the Americans come and overthrow Saddam Hussein and first we are all happy and then we get sad and then angry and blowing things and people up?" and then they say again "Yes, that dream! I had it for the last year or so it must have been a recurring one." And they will say "Whoa weird" and "What happened to Saddam Hussein" and "He seems to be gone now! I guess we had better go build our own sovereign democratic state here, perhaps aided by the United Nations" and "Wow that sounds like a great idea!"
Now I know what you are thinking. You are thinking "Fafnir the wiggly fingers while potent cannot possibly be enough to convince 22 million Iraqis that they have been asleep and dreaming for the last fourteen months." I recognize that which is why we will also have the smoke machines to add to the effect. The best part about the smoke machines is they give a place a tasteful dream sequence ambience while also coverin up aerial escape route. We will also have to get every other country which isn't Iraq to go along with the whole dream story but since everyone just wants this thing to be over it seems pretty doable, and countries have been pretty good at keepin secrets together before like that time everybody was throwin a birthday party for Bulgaria and everyone else was pretending they had forgotten Bulgaria's birthday and then China and Denmark are all "C'mon Bulgaria let's go out to dinner at this little Italian restaurant" and as soon as Bulgaria gets into the back room, "SURPRISE!" Ha ha, what a great time that was. And then Greece opened fire on Turkey again.
If we follow through on this I am pretty sure everybody stands a pretty good chance of coming out clean here. We get to go home, Iraqis get to forget to be bitter and resentful towards us, and everybody gets a democracy in Iraq. And we all get to use smoke machines! I submit this to the world community for your perusal.
* for authenticity
posted by fafnir at 11:51 PM