Saturday, March 29, 2003

I would like to thank John and Benji for sending their eggs through the email like they did. You are very good and sporting. I wish we could've seen those email eggs before all the beating and the paint buckets but that is how you make an omelette now isn't it.

Giblets says we need cheese and we are out of cheese.
posted by fafnir at 2:46 AM

...you gotta beat two security guards with a fire hose, run over an ol lady with a shopping cart and hit a fifteen year old boy with a bucket a paint. At least that's what Giblets says.

I hope he's right cause that's what we hadda do to get replacement eggs for our omelette. I tried to pay for them regularly but I was in a hurry and I didn't bring normal money cause I think Fun Munny is a lot more fun, that's why it's called Fun Munny! It's more colorful and in steada having boring people like Benjamin Franklin and Andrew Jackson on it it's got Santa Claus and Art Linkletter. Art Linkletter's worth a whole lot of Fun Munny!

Stop and Shop locations in Providence and the greater Rhode Island area do not accept Fun Munny as legal tender.

I would like to say just for one minute that that is not fair at all and that Stop and Shop really should note that in big letters out in front of their store next time cause I sure couldn't tell from looking at their store that they didn't take Fun Munny! What's wrong with it anyway. I can buy a house with this munny. Hotels or a railroad even.

Well Giblets and I were quite upset and we were on a time table as our omelette was gettin burnt real bad and NOBODY FROM THE INTERWEB HAD EMAILED US EGGS IN TIME. For shame Interweb! For shame.

so then we did what we did to get the eggs and now i feel bad.

Giblets says "MY EGGS! Eggs, DANCE for Giblets! DANCE!" but they do not dance. I will pay you back Stop and Shop! I will make amends I am sorry!

This victory omelette is a bitter victory omelette.
posted by fafnir at 2:43 AM
Friday, March 28, 2003

I respectfully submit that Fafnir is yo' daddy. Mmmm-hmm.

I need eggs! My omelette is on fire. Please mail me some eggs! Or email me some eggs, that would be much faster.
posted by fafnir at 9:12 PM
Thursday, March 27, 2003

Now ever since I entered the IntraWeb I have been to put it mildly the ultimate sought out expert in the field of everything. So of course for weeks or months now every major media outlet in the world has been askin me, "Fafnir," they ask me, "what is YOUR stance on the War In Iraq?" And of course I am trying to stay neutral in the Public Eye cause far be it from Fafnir to influence the world see. But they just keep coming and coming. That Wolf Blitzer! He is camped out on my doormat begging for sound bites. He would starve if I did not feed him bits of old olive loaf. We have olive loaf in the kitchen and Chris does not like it. But the pont is everybody wants to know what Fafnir thinks and they'll do anything to find out. Al Jazeera has sent me a fruit basket. The mangos were quite nice, THANK YOU AL JAZEERA!

So today I am givin up. Here it is, my official Fafnirical stance on Iraq.

Fafnir is many things. Fafnir is you. Fafnir is me. Fafnir is a freshly baked apple pie which has been clumsily knocked off the counter and onto the head of a crying child but is still freshly baked and delicious. Fafnir is the Platonic Realm of Forms. But Fafnir is not the War In Iraq.

Clowns are funny. Clowns are good. Clowns make people happy and laugh (DON'T YOU START WITH THE CLOWNS ARE SCARY BUSINESS! That is communist propaganda). Would a clown go to war with Iraq? Would a clown launch cruise missiles at Baghdad? No. A clown would be too busy making balloon animals and throwing delightful custard pies. Let us have more happy clowns and less wars in Iraq.

Bunnies are cute. Bunnies are floppy. Would bunnies go to war against Iraq? Would bunnies pre-emptively invade a country withot provocation and risk destabilizing the middle east? O K maybe a few but those are some of the bad bunnies. Most bunnies are literate and responsible and listen to NPR. They do not understand it for they are not that bright but they would not blow up Baghdad nevertheless. We need more bunnies listening to The Connection with Dick Gordon and less wars in Iraq.

Some a you are gonna say "But Fafnir what would YOU do about Iraq?" Well I would look to a higher power for inspiration, one of the greatest leaders of our age, and ask "What Would Mayor McCheese Do?" The first thing the Mayor would do is round up Hamburglar so's he couldn't steal any more fries and shakes (that's where it all starts, with the Hamburgling - then you get your weapons of mass destructing later). Next he'd offer a double quarter pounder with cheese extra value meal for only $3.99, and everybody in the Middle East'd go "Wow! Only $3.99?" and he'd go "yep, $3.99," and they'd be all "whew, that's pretty cheap for a double quarter pounder with cheese extra value meal, can't really beat that" and then would come the healing. Finally sanctions on Grimace cause I don't trust him at all I think he's a big purple tumor.

Mr. President wherever you are (I think he's in a WhiteCastles buyin one a those mini-burger 12-packs), look down in your heart and you will find that it too knows that the Mayor's deal is a steal. So get outta Iraq and into a tasty sandwich, a large fries, and your choice of soft drink! I have not eaten in a long long time.
posted by fafnir at 10:57 PM

Here I am sitting in my Faftent and I have yet to get very many good responses from my Fafnir/Fafblog Contest, "WHAT IS FAFNIR LYING OR NOT LYING ABOUT IN HIS IRAQ STORY?" I am very disappointed in all of you I have to say, bloggy people. Your contest guesses were not very smart. They were really kinda stupid.

HERE are some of your kinda stupid guesses:

"Saddam Hussein and George Bush would never sing a Dave Mason cover at a concert. Everyone knows that Saddam is a die-hard King Crimson maniac and Bush is wild about Japanese teenage lolita-pop."
"I scratched, but I didn't win... I scratched... I scratched..."
"Hello. My name is Doctor Nkrumbe Nambala, and until last week I was underminister of the interior for the Nigerian government. This is the opportunity of a lifetime."
"IRAQ is MAAAAADE of BEEEEEANS"
"I is stoopid."

Contest people: YOU ARE BEING STUPID. TRY HARDER. Do I have to remind you that the prize is none other than Giblets's bag of Cheetos? It's a big bag of Cheetos! And it's Giblets's!

Maybe the contest is too tough. So I'll change it. Now the contest is: WHERE'S GIBLETS? Find Giblets and win his Cheetos!
"Hey!" says Giblets. "I'm gettin mad! I like my Cheetos!"
Find him in one of THESE FUN PICTURES!

WHEEEEEEERE'S GIBLETS?


WHEEEEEEEEREEE'S GIBLETS?


WHEEEEEEEERE'S BUDDHA?


ha ha, that's an easy one Buddha is big and fat.

Good luck and win those Cheetos! From Giblets. "I am hungry," says Giblets. No you're not you lie!
posted by fafnir at 9:18 PM
Wednesday, March 26, 2003

I was busy today. Busy being a bicycle.

"Oh wow Fafnir you must tell us all about your exciting adventures while being a bicycle!" you exclaim because that's the kind of exclaiming person you are.
Oh well it wasn't that exciting -
"Yes yes yes it was you got stolen by a giant donut and you ran all over town looking for an imaginary princess made of fish I just know it!"
No no no! You are all wrong in the head. What is wrong with you, you! That is what happened when I was being an orange on Tuesday. Today, WEDNESDAY, I was being a bicycle. And it was very different.

I wanted to ride around town and look at stuff as a bicycle but I couldn't open the door to get out because I had no fingers. Because I was a bicycle.
"Oh no!"
No it's true. Bicycles by themselves are not nearly as mobile as say oranges or muskrats or the Articles of Confederation. I am the Articles of Confederation too.

As an orange I got mad at Chris and hit him several times because he was eating my fellow orangekind. He say "Fafnir what the heck why you hittin me?" and I made orange noises at him but he couldn't figure it out.
posted by fafnir at 10:58 PM
Tuesday, March 25, 2003

okay the last post was not true.
it was LIES.
or at least...
it was 98% lies.

A FAFNIR/FAFBLOG CONTEST: Find the 2% truth and you will win:
GIBLETS'S BAG OF CHEETOS!

"Hey," says Giblets. "Those are MY Cheetos!"
Exactly... and that's why you wanna WIN them, blogreaders. The forbiddenness of Cheeto piracy makes them all the more delicious.
posted by fafnir at 11:46 PM

and in the middle of everything when it all looked so bad with the bombs and the trees and the splosions and the bad bad music on the teevee IT ALL GOT BETTER cause Saddam and George ARE BEST FRIENDS AGAIN!

"How could I have tried to blow up my best friend Saddam!" said George, hugging Saddam and crying.
"How could I have tried to pour poison gas on your dad's brains!" said Saddam hugging George too.
"Uncle Saddam I love you!" said George.
"I love you too and I love frogs and bunnies too!" said Saddam.

and the two of them then go and sing a benefit concert for orphans and global warming and the first song is that song "we just disagree" which has the chorus that goes

there ain't no good guys
there ain't no bad guys
there's just you an me
and we just disagree

That song is lame but everyone goes to the concert anyway. And from now on mustard gas is made of candy.

NOTE I did not make this up it is from Reuters.
posted by fafnir at 11:26 PM

It is the bloggiest blog that ever blogged. Its name is Bloggy McBlog. It wears a bowler hat and a monocle.

Say hi to the Internet, Mr. McBlog. Go on don't be shy!

"Hey there, baybeh," says the blog, in a sultry, sexy voice.

That's a damn good blog.

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