Thursday, March 27, 2003

Now ever since I entered the IntraWeb I have been to put it mildly the ultimate sought out expert in the field of everything. So of course for weeks or months now every major media outlet in the world has been askin me, "Fafnir," they ask me, "what is YOUR stance on the War In Iraq?" And of course I am trying to stay neutral in the Public Eye cause far be it from Fafnir to influence the world see. But they just keep coming and coming. That Wolf Blitzer! He is camped out on my doormat begging for sound bites. He would starve if I did not feed him bits of old olive loaf. We have olive loaf in the kitchen and Chris does not like it. But the pont is everybody wants to know what Fafnir thinks and they'll do anything to find out. Al Jazeera has sent me a fruit basket. The mangos were quite nice, THANK YOU AL JAZEERA!

So today I am givin up. Here it is, my official Fafnirical stance on Iraq.

Fafnir is many things. Fafnir is you. Fafnir is me. Fafnir is a freshly baked apple pie which has been clumsily knocked off the counter and onto the head of a crying child but is still freshly baked and delicious. Fafnir is the Platonic Realm of Forms. But Fafnir is not the War In Iraq.

Clowns are funny. Clowns are good. Clowns make people happy and laugh (DON'T YOU START WITH THE CLOWNS ARE SCARY BUSINESS! That is communist propaganda). Would a clown go to war with Iraq? Would a clown launch cruise missiles at Baghdad? No. A clown would be too busy making balloon animals and throwing delightful custard pies. Let us have more happy clowns and less wars in Iraq.

Bunnies are cute. Bunnies are floppy. Would bunnies go to war against Iraq? Would bunnies pre-emptively invade a country withot provocation and risk destabilizing the middle east? O K maybe a few but those are some of the bad bunnies. Most bunnies are literate and responsible and listen to NPR. They do not understand it for they are not that bright but they would not blow up Baghdad nevertheless. We need more bunnies listening to The Connection with Dick Gordon and less wars in Iraq.

Some a you are gonna say "But Fafnir what would YOU do about Iraq?" Well I would look to a higher power for inspiration, one of the greatest leaders of our age, and ask "What Would Mayor McCheese Do?" The first thing the Mayor would do is round up Hamburglar so's he couldn't steal any more fries and shakes (that's where it all starts, with the Hamburgling - then you get your weapons of mass destructing later). Next he'd offer a double quarter pounder with cheese extra value meal for only $3.99, and everybody in the Middle East'd go "Wow! Only $3.99?" and he'd go "yep, $3.99," and they'd be all "whew, that's pretty cheap for a double quarter pounder with cheese extra value meal, can't really beat that" and then would come the healing. Finally sanctions on Grimace cause I don't trust him at all I think he's a big purple tumor.

Mr. President wherever you are (I think he's in a WhiteCastles buyin one a those mini-burger 12-packs), look down in your heart and you will find that it too knows that the Mayor's deal is a steal. So get outta Iraq and into a tasty sandwich, a large fries, and your choice of soft drink! I have not eaten in a long long time.
posted by fafnir at 10:57 PM



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