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Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Counter-Counterpoint: The Key To Victory Is This Great Big Rock

Well I know we can win the Iraq War, an I even know how we can do it. It's a pretty complicated multi-step process an I'm simplifyin it a little bit for everybody here but I got it all spelled out an ready to go an believe you me it's gonna work. The key thing is this real big rock.

First thing you're gonna wanna do is stick a great big pile a terrorist food right over here. Now terrorists just can't resist that delicious terrorist food so they're all gonna come runnin from all over to get to it, an they're all gonna be too busy eatin it to notice that it's sittin on top a this great big painted "X" (see figure 1a).

The logistics start gettin pretty tricky from here so everybody pay real close attention.

The X a course is painted on the downward slope of a giant wooden level propped up on a nearby boulder (see fig. 1b). Now on the other end a the lever we drop the real big rock (fig. 1c), which is currently hidden outta view behind a convenient rocky butte, which will spring the lever and launch the surprised terrorists into the air and straight into the cliff face (fig. 2a), seriously disrupting communications throughout the insurgency and makin em all kinda hang there under the rock for a while til the force of the impact breaks the cliff face off, causing it to fall on top of the terrorists right after they've already hit the canyon floor (fig. 2b). I cannot stress enough the importance of the placement of the real big rock; please mark your explodographs accordingly.

At this point there should be a sizable decrease in terrorist morale and activity, with the possible exception of sad little hand-held signs readin "Oh no!" and "Why me?" to which we may or may not choose to hold up our own equally-terse, taunting hand-held signs in response.

When the terrorists pull themselves off the ground they'll be angry and compressed into funny accordion shapes and looking to retaliate, which is when they'll see us wavin off in the distance, come runnin to get us, and run straight into a rock wall cleverly painted to look like us instead (fig. 3a). At this point their intelligence apparatus will be in serious disarray resulting in a leadership-level confusion of a train with a painting of a train (fig. 3b) which should result in heavy locomotive-related injuries.

The terrorists will stay stuck to the speeding train until it runs through the low overpass (fig. 4), which should scrape the terrorists off and send them falling over the rocky promentory (4a) and back onto the wooden lever (fig 1b), catapulting the real big rock (fig 1c), in a strange quirk of physics, directly on top of the terrorists, which should knock out their command and control structure. The terrorists in a surprising last ditch burst of strength will manage to hoist the big rock over their collective heads and roll it away, only to realize too late it is about to land back on the other side of the lever, catapulting Abu Musab al Zarqawi and the rest of the Sunni insurgency far over the horizon where they will disappear in a puff of white smoke.

Now I know you got some questions. How much is this gonna cost? Given the operation's efficient use of natural geological formations, just $19.95 plus shipping from the good people at Acme. How can we judge its effectiveness? Well just look at that puff a white smoke! That an the tiny shrinking black circle means mission accomplished. Now of course I'm willin to listen to any other plans to win the war and stabilize Iraq but in the meantime I'll be here polishin my jet-powered super-skis.

Labels: everybody loves a winner, point counterpoint countercounterpoint, warnography