|
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
A spectre is haunting America - a namby-pamby weak-kneed beret-wearing "oh no raw pig's head for me thank you I am a vegetarian" spectre, and it is the spectre of Losing! It has spread to Senators and Congressmen and military commanders (how could you let yourself down like this, General Casey!), and now it has seized a majority of Americans. Over 60% of the country thinks we should give up and run home weeping to our collective mommy for the application of band-aids of remorse to the boo-boos of wounded national pride. Well it won't work, America! All that will do is get the neighborhood bully of terrorism to steal our lunch money of national security during gym class and taunt us with the knowledge that his dad is bigger than our dad! His dad being a militant and unrepresentative variant of Islam.
Why do so many Americans want to lose? Giblets blames a monstrous and epidemic Culture of Losingdom fostered by liberal values of tolerance and multiculturalism! In the old days if you were poor you were a loser, and you worked in a lead paint factory for a penny a day or you killed and ate smaller, weaker, more losery poor people to get by - which made you stronger and more winnery as a result! Nowadays we just GIVE money to poor people to make them LESS poor. Why? Because liberals don't care about strengthening the coal-mining and dumpster-diving skills of our nation's destitute! They only care about preserving their contribution to America's rich tapestry of loserical diversity. Today the government forces us to display loser religions next to winner religions in public places, as if they were ALL real! Give Giblets a break - we ALL know Baby Jesus can totally kick that menorah's ass! And loser opinions are allowed to be printed in our newspapers, right next to the real opinions! They don't even print them in teeny print! Now liberals and Democrats are bringing their objectively pro-loser propaganda to the war in Iraq, where their talk about losing is sabotaging the greatest weapon we have: talk about winning! There is only one solution: a full military strike on Democrats across the country. If America fails to act now, Democrats might retake Congress next year - which means that Losing would win! Would beating the Democrats allow us to beat the terrorists? No, but Giblets would find it far more satisfying. And when we do lose to the terrorists, Giblets can always just blame it on the Democrats! And the French. And the Special Olympics! You can't ALL be winners, Special Olympians! Do the math! Labels: everybody loves a winner, point counterpoint countercounterpoint, warnography
posted by Giblets at 3:10 PM
|
|
|
