Friday, October 15, 2004

So lately I've been hearin a lotta people goin "Oh Fafnir what is the point a votin? My vote will not matter, blah blah blah. I am small an weak an easily devoured by predators, blah blah blah. Perhaps I should just shred my own voter registration card or perhaps vote for Ralph Nader."

An I go Shut up people! You stop bein small an weak an listen to why you should vote! "Oh no we are afraid of the enraged Fafnir" you say cause you're so small an weak. That's better! Now of course your vote counts!* So listen up cause today we're gonna FAF THE VOTE! with some neat little bipartisan arguments for getti out there an votin!

The Argument From Coolness
The Chief Justice Does the Dew.Voting is cool! In fact it is so cool that you should want to be more cool by voting as well!

Many voters are cool. Look at Chief Justice William Rehnquist of the Supreme Court! He's really cool an he votes all the time! In fact last election his vote counted extra! He's just that cool!

The Argument From Celebrity Endorsement

He knows voting.TV's Jeff Probst
"Hi, I'm TV's Jeff Probst! You may know from NBC's 'Survivor' how important voting can be! If we don't vote, none of us will be 'Survivors' - of democracy! Now eat this bucket of worms, you're on TV!"

Intriguing and enlightening Mr. Probst! I hope all of us out there learned an important lesson today.

He sees you when you're sleepingSanta
"Ho ho ho! Voting is your civic duty, boys and girls! You can make a difference, as long as you live in a swing state and don't throw away your vote on a third party! Ho ho ho!"

Santa you terrify me and I will obey your every command!

Brought to you by Pepsi.Britney Spears
"Drink Pepsi!"

Why that is a persuasive and convincin argument there Ms. Spears! I feel like a cold cool refreshin Pepsi right now in fact.

The Argument From Fear
This argument breaks down into three subarguments. Please pay attention accordingly.

For Old People:
"Bah, I'm old, I don't care about people get me my ointment!" say the old people. But you should care old people because the next president could Destroy Social Security! "Oh no!" say the old people. That's right you are terrified because you are so old an frail an you need your Social Security to survive but what if the next president is an evil president who's all "blah blah screw social security" where will you be then, old people? You will be poor an lonely an cold with no one to talk to, that is where.

For Young People
The next president could draft you! Draft you into a horrible meaningless war in a horrible meaningless hellhole like Whorecrapistan, a country made entirely of land mines an poison an constantly erupting volcanoes occupied by feuding warlords, fundamentalist religious groups an strongly nationalistic guerillas who see the US intervention as a ploy to exploit their rich supply of magma. Vote, young people, or that could be you!

For Everyone Else
You could be eaten. By bears. By giant ferocious bears. What if the next president turns out to be a man-eatin bear in a clever plastic disguise an you're all "Hello Mr President" an he's all "Why hell there citizen I RAAAARRR" an then eats you cause he's a giant man-eatin bear? Man you'd feel stupid then, not havin voted against the man-eatin bear! Vote vote vote!

The Ontological Argument
"Now we believe that [the Lord] is something than which nothing greater can be imagined... And certainly that than which a greater cannot be imagined cannot be in the understanding alone. For if it is at least in the understanding alone, it can be imagined to be in reality too, which is greater... Therefore if that than which a greater cannot be imagined is in the understanding alone, that very thing than which a greater cannot be imagined is something than which a greater can be imagined. But certainly this cannot be... There exists, therefore, beyond doubt something than which a greater cannot be imagined, both in the understanding and in reality."
-St. Anselm

Wrong, St. Anselm! By that argument there must exist a pie such that no greater pie can be imagined, which therefore must exist. Stupid St. Anselm! Mmmm... Godpie.

*except maybe in Alabama, Alaska, Arkansas, California, Connecticut, Delaware, DC, Idaho, Illinois, Indiana, Kentucky, Maryland, Massachusetts, Montana, Nebraska, New York, North Carolina, Oklahoma, South Carolina, North Dakota, South Dakota, Rhode Island, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, or Wyoming

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posted by fafnir at 4:38 PM




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