Tuesday, May 25, 2004
All this week - an by "all this week" we mean "Tuesday through when we feel like it" - Fafblog will be interviewin figures of weighty national and international import. This is just one more way that Fafblog brings you the hard-hittin news coverage. Today we interview Focus on the Family leader James Dobson.
FAFBLOG: So! How's the Family?
JAMES DOBSON: The Family is in deadly danger, Fafnir.
FB: Danger? Oh no! I like families!
JD: Yes, danger from the homosexual agenda which has been trying for decades to destroy it.
FB: I never knew homosexuals had an agenda! I just thought they were ordinary people who were easily stereotyped as lovers of musical theater.
JD: So they and the gay-controlled Hollywood elite would have you believe. But the Forces of Gay are now closer than ever to destroying the divine institution of the civil marriage certificate, and with it, the family itself.
FB: You must hate gay people then, since they're trying to destroy the family.
JD: We don't hate gay people, Fafnir. We just want them to functionally cease to exist by having them suppress all their natural physical impulses and force themselves to marry and have sex with members of the opposite gender.
FB: Wow. That's a very loving attitude to take Dr. Dobson.
JD: Yes, it is.
FB: Now Dr. Dobson you are also involved in the Family Research Council which I am lead to believe does highly scientific research on families. What kind of research do you do?
JD: Well, Fafnir, a lot of our research involves the proliferation of Unchristian Sex Acts, or UCSAs. Our latest study shows that every day, over fifty-five million UCSAs occur in the United States alone.
FB: Wow! That's a lot!
JD: Now, our science-like studies also show a corresponding buildup in other Civilization-Destroying Trends: Adolescent Acts Of Masturbation, or AAOMs; Breakups Of Couples And Families, or BOCAFs; Instances Of Feminism And Evolutionary Biology In Education, or IFEBEs; and so on.
FB: All of these have scary acronyms!
JD: And all of these are on the rise, Fafnir, correlating with the rise of UCSAs - UCSAs such as homosexuality. Homosexuality - which is now being spread through the very heart of marriage itself.
FB: Oh no! But I thought gay people were good and deserved marriage licenses!
JD: That's probably because of your treacherous liberal education. It's brainwashed you into thinking that there is no right and wrong, that everyone deserves equal rights, and that the fossil record accurately represents the geological and biological history of the earth. If our society continues to slide down this slippery slope of moral relativism, it will mean the end of Western Civilization.
FB: Oh no! Not Western Civilization! That's where all my friends live!
JD: And without Western Civilization, the dark forces of Satanism, terrorism, feminism, and internationalism will devour all that's good in the world and allow the Antichrist to set up his one-world kingdom.
FB: Wow. This is pretty devastating stuff Dr. Dobson. And it can't be wrong or crazy 'cause you're a doctor!
JD: That's right, Fafnir. I am a doctor.
Thank you for the interview Dr. James Dobson! Tomorrow we will talk with Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, who is takin time out from his busy schedule just for us. How do we do it?
posted by fafnir at 5:59 PM