Monday, May 17, 2004

As the Medium Lobster darkly portended once before, gay marriage will wreak Apocalyptic havok of Biblical proportions upon the celestial firmament, poisoning the Divine Law of God and causing the very Empyrean itself to collapse, bringing about the reign of utter Chaos in an eschatonic conflagration. Nevertheless, like the prophet Cassandra, my words fell on deaf ears, and today in Massachusetts, the darkest of all unholy unions has been forged: civil marriages between partners of the same sex.

Learned readers will recall sadly that the end times are now upon us, and those of you still constrained to linear dimensions will most likely perish in the ensuing heat death of your universe. But what of the local effects? What will happen to America? What of civilization?

Sadly, Western civilization - and all civilized culture - is doomed. Marriage is the social force that binds individuals together into the basic building blocks of civilization, families, which higher beings recognize as "Familions." However, the pervasively corrosive force known to metaphysicians in crosstemporal planes as Gay has now been allowed to intermix with Marriage, allowing Individutrons of any gender combination to form Familions, creating unstable, or "nega-matter" Familions. These Familions emit waves of radiation that cause stable, or "Straight" Familions to decay at the sub-Familion level. Eventually all Familions throughout Civilization will break up and decay into their base components, meaning that they will never be able to form Neighborhooditrons, Citinos, or Governmenticons, leaving the western world in chaos and anarchy.

We are left, then, with the memory of what once was: the splendid, shining ediface of the West, torn to pieces by the unnatural desire for civil equality. As we stand amidst its crumbling piles of dust and mortar, the Medium Lobster would like to leave a fond farewell:

Western Civilization. Born 3500 B.C. in early Mesopotamian city-states, Western Civilization developed numerous complex systems of political governance, conquered most of the inhabited world, and invented the hot air balloon, the nuclear bomb, and the ice cream cone. Died May 17, 2004, of a gay agenda in a Massachusetts court house. It is survived by isolated anarchist survivalist camps and nomadic bands of flesh-eating zombies.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 3:28 PM



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