Tuesday, May 4, 2004

The time is Giblets o clock. It is time for the news. Trust Giblets as an objective presenter of the truth! Trust Giblets as an objective presenter of the truth NOOOOOW!

  • Presidential hopeful John Kerry, after many weeks of getting kicked around by frothing negative ads from George Bush, has responded forcefully with a $25 million ad buy that showcases his Vietnam war heroism. This is a good move because it shows the three voters who did not already know about Kerry's war record how effectively he will lead America. Y'know. In Vietnam.

  • The US military has investigated the deaths of 25 prisoners in Iraq and Afghanistan and determined that two of them were murdered by Americans. Well I know everyone is gonna get their panties in a bunch over the two murdered prisoners, but what Giblets finds really remarkable is that 23 dead prisoners weren't murdered. If this "US military" is so unbiased why isn't it investigating all the murders we haven't committed? There are 25 million Iraqis still alive, people. Two out of 25 million is lookin' sweet.

  • Ahmed Chalabi, the Pentagon's go-to-guy in Iraq, may have given "sensitive information" to Iran that could "get people killed." I dunno, Giblets doesn't see this as a big deal. So he's embezzled a little from Jordan, skimmed off the top from the CIA and the State Department, wants to run Iraq while havin' a little fling with Iran. He's a playa, America. A free spirit, a Don Juan. You can't own him, baby. Ahmed needs his space. He still loves you, baby. But he needs to hustle his muscle too.
  • And to close, some light news! A New Zealand passenger found a live frog in her airline meal salad! The frog was a whistling tree frog which had stowed away on board a flight from Australia. Travelers shouldn't worry about many more frog stowayaws though; most frogs will probably be extinct in another few decades anyway.
  • posted by Giblets at 4:47 PM




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