Saturday, June 19, 2004
Yknow here on Fafblog we talk about a lot of serious important political matters such as the space program an the Pope an the war an Glofish but what of the mind? What about the life of the mind? We do not want our readers to think we are light-thinkin loafers just sittin around all day talkin about fish and pies all day. We also have Serious Philosophical Discussions.
And so here today will be the first of a series of Serious Philosophical Discussions on Fafblog in dialogue form similar to the dialogues of Socrates and Berkeley.
FAFNIR: Why hello Giblets! I see that you are eatin a sandwich.
GIBLETS: Yep. It's a pretty tasty sandwich.
FAF.: But did you ever pause to consider Giblets what happens when you bite into that sandwich?
GIBS.: Um. I eat a piece of sandwich?
FAF.: The sandwich experiences pain of course, but how exactly does it experience pain? We consider pain to exist in the sandwich's "mind" but it is a mental reaction to somethin physical.
GIBS.: It's just a sandwich.
FAF.: Let us say that the samwich is in physical state S, for sandwich, when you bite into it. But at the same time it would also be in mental state... um... S, for spooky sandwich mental state.
GIBS.: It's ham and cheese on potato bread. With honey mustard.
FAF.: But can't we imagine the sandwich in mental state S without bein in physical state S?
GIBS.: I'm in mental state P, for gettin pissed off with you pokin at my sandwich.
FAF.: Allow me to demonstrate further. If we remove the sandiwch's brain, or ham, and place it in another sandwich like so, is it now a different sandwich with different thoughts an mental states?
GIBS.: Hey! That is Giblets's sandwich! It belongs to Giblets and is the sole domain of Giblets!
FAF.: Ow! Quit it! This is the pursuit of knowledge here Giblets!
GIBS.: You quit it!
FAF.: You quit it!
GIBS.: AAA! Put that down!
Labels: serious discussions
posted by fafnir at 10:23 AM
Friday, June 18, 2004
There's been a lotta talk about the Easter Bunny lately so I thought I'd better come out and say somethin about it.
Now a lotta people in the media have been misrepresentin what the Easter Egg Commission said about the Easter Bunny's connection to Easter Eggs. What the commission said is that there was no credible evidence of the Easter Bunny layin Easter Eggs. Well of course there isn't that would be silly! And neither me or Giblets ever said that the Easter Bunny himself ever laid Easter Eggs. What we have said all along is that there were long-established ties between the Easter Bunny and the chickens that lay those Easter Eggs.
Me an Giblets are aware of numerous contacts between the Easter Bunny and chickens and representatives of chickens such as the possible meeting between the Easter Bunny and a chicken agent in Prague an those old commercials for Cadbury eggs where the rabbit would make the "bwawk bwawk" noises. Those were great commercials.
Now what kind of connections could we be talking about? Maybe we are talkin about a vast Easter Bunny-financed network of chickens and chicken-egg-painting and distributing centers. Training camps for Easter Egg-laying chickens funded through the Easter Bunny. Who knows the Easter Bunny is a very cunning bunny. But we know those connections are there. Now given all of that it is obvious that when I said last year we should go invade Easter Bunnyland and look for the Easter Bunny's delicious colorful Easter Eggs I knew exactly what I was talkin about and shame on you media for suggesting otherwise. It is very irresponsible.
At a later point I would like to discuss the Commission's findins regarding the replacement of my baby teeth with money by the Tooth Fairy.
posted by fafnir at 11:45 AM
Thursday, June 17, 2004
I am Fafnir, but I am also the state of Montana. My capital is Helena. I have a population of about 902,000 people and the nation's largest migratory elk herd and am called "The Treasure State" presumably because of early pirate heritage. My state flower is the bitterroot and my state bird is the western meadowlark. Silly Montana! What kind of state bird is the western meadowlark?
I have 3 electoral votes and am not considered a swing state and so will not be heavily prized in the current presidential election, which is kind of disappointing. Sigh. Sometimes I wish I were Florida with its recall politics an its cryogenically frozen Walt Disneys and its booming funeral industry. But then I would not have the nation's largest migratory elk herd, or the western meadowlark. And in the end I am quite happy bein the state of Montana for today.
posted by fafnir at 11:06 AM
The 9/11 commission has ruled that there is "no credible evidence" of an Iraq connection to the 9/11 attacks, mere days after Vice President Dick Cheney once again asserted that Saddam Hussein did indeed directly support al Qaeda. The Medium Lobster finds it interesting - but all-too-typical - that what has been siezed upon by the liberal media has been this particular finding of the commission, and not the fact that al Qaeda did indeed seek out assistance from Iraq, which was considered by Hussein even though he gave bin Laden no response. Furthermore, the Medium Lobster would remind the anti-war Left that while there is no evidence whatsoever to suggest that Hussein actually accepted bin Laden's offer, there is likewise no evidence to suggest that he did not, at some later point, accept it.
Remember that absence of evidence is not evidence of absence, and with the stakes being what they are, we cannot wait for a "smoking gun" - for that smoking gun may come in the form of a rusted, disused cannister of mustard gas on a Manhattan subway, or three barrels of pesticide mistaken by weapons inspectors for Sarin on the steps of the Capitol. Remember that 9/11, after all, changed everything - even elementary rules of logic - and we cannot pursue the real threats of today before we've finished eliminating the more deadly potentially-shadowy threats of tomorrow.
Oh, there was an al Qaeda connection, my friends. It was an al Qaeda connection of the heart, and in lusting after international terrorism, Saddam Hussein committed that partnership on a dangerously conceptual level - one that could not be ignored on this very material, tank-and-bomb-filled reality.
The good news is that this menace is defeated. The bad news is that, as David Frum and Richard Perle have demonstrated, America has many shadow-enemies left to conquer. The Medium Lobster would note that, while we lack evidence to prove it, France may have considered partnering with Saddam and bin Laden - and they are a nuclear threat. Be warned.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 8:09 AM
Wednesday, June 16, 2004
I remember back when I used to hang with the Pope. Those were great days.
"Hey Pope what's up" I'd say and he'd come back with "in domini lepus de spiritus sancti" and I'd be all "Ha ha you and your crazy Pope-talk." Then we'd go out to sea to fight the pirates!
The pirates were lead by the mad pirate Captain Greens. He had a patch on each eye an a peg on each leg an three claws on each hand an a mouth fulla gold doubloons which he had pounded not into teeth but into wiring an not into proper AC electrical wiring but obsolete direct current wiring which could not possibly plug into anything on his ship but instead simply hung from his mouth in loop after ungainly loop. He was just that mad! He spent all his time makin pirate raids on a Ben Northrup's Fishwich Shop on the east side where he'd mostly skip the register and target complimentary items like napkins an ketchup packets. The Fishwich Shop had become very heavily fortified over the years and the Captain lost about a third a his crew to the overzealous Fishwich artillerymen, but they were all loyal an desperate an bored enough to stick through the worst a times.
The Pope did not think much of Captain Greens and told him so. Captain Greens replied "Mmmffmfmlllfmmfl" and there was a duel! It was won by Doctor Mugwump the Captain's parrot.
I used to spend a lotta time correspondin with Doctor Mugwump and I found him to be a charming and erudite fellow. We spent a whole year discussin art an music an how do you read these you are a parrot. I often fondly look back on those letters with nostalgia an confusion.
After it was all over me an the Pope promised to take down Captain Greens's last words. They were "Ggngngnffff." We spent the rest of the summer at the junkyard lookin through junk. The Pope said "in corpus cristi in mentis lepus" and I said "Oh you crazy Pope." Those were great days.
Labels: true adventures
posted by fafnir at 10:38 PM
Giblets has come to reach out to the world of Muslim extremists tonight. For tonight Giblets is wearing the bright fuzzy slippers of the peacemaker. He is Peacemaker Giblets. Can you feel the peace, world? No? Feel the peace! Giblets commands you!
Yesterday Iraqi insurgents attacked Iraq's oil supply again, sabotaging pipelines and assasinating a top oil official. Muslim extremists, this is madness. We do not share many of the same values. We do not share the same values regarding political freedom, or women's rights, or the universal value of human life, or modernity. But there is at least one thing we both love and appreciate, and it is oil.
Oil. Sweet, thick, gooey oil, trickling in smooth black slippery rivulets through our fingers, over our toes, into the sweet caress of the oil-dipping pool. You love it 'cause it buys you nukes. We love it 'cause we're hooked. Give Giblets a lil' taste a that sweet sweet crude now. Yeah that's the stuff. We both feel the giddy thrill when a hot black geyser spurts into the air whether we are Texas oil barons or Saudi royal princes. It is not what we call God that matters, Muslim extremists. It is what grade we pump in Him that counts.
Remember that God, in His wisdom, gave all of us this beautiful planet with all its natural resources to pillage. Do not hurt the fossil fuel you love, Muslim extremists! Pump it dry, then sell it to us at a discount price.
Giblets dreams of a future in which people of every race, creed, and color will be able to put aside their differences and focus on the one thing that unites us all: we are all together here on this planet, and we all want to plunder it together. Together we can leave it as a giant empty wasteland for our children. A giant empty wasteland of religious harmony.
posted by Giblets at 8:24 PM
At the Gadflyer they have had this article about the Reverend Sun Myung Moon gettin crowned the messiah by a buncha congressmen in a Senate office building last March (Wonkette points out that story is just a "story from March!" Which is true, why we talking about it anymore? Also whats up with us talkin about this whole "deceived into invading Iraq" business? That happened last year! Sheesh!). It sounds kinda scary because after all how many people get crowned the messiah on Capitol Hill these days other than say Jesus or his new cyborg equivalent CyberJesus? But as it turns out the crownin thing is just the beginning. Mr Moon also owns a number of respected media outlets including a newspaper, a wire service, and whatever the World Tribune is and he donates millions of dollars to conservative organizations.
But is he really crazy? The follwing excerpt is from a phone interview with the Rev. Moon:
ME: So I understand you made a lot of your fortune through the US fishing industry Rev Moon.
REV. MOON: HA HA HA! It is no longer merely a fishing INDUSTRY! I have now dubbed it the Worldwide Unity Church of Fish, and through it I have married each and every fish in America!
ME: Wow that is impressive!
REV. MOON: Fish will no longer debase themselves in gross extramarital usage of the fish love organ! So declares Moon, Guardian Messiah-King of the Fish!
ME: Guardian-King of the Fish?
REV. MOON: Yes indeed! I was annointed such when I ascended bodily into Icthyon, the 19th realm of Heaven, and knighted by JaBudah, the Jesus-Buddah hybrid and holy avatar of the Fish Genome!
ME: Oh wow! Not THE JaBudah?
So as you can see the Rev. Moon actually has a very impressive list of credentials an endorsements! But unfortunately that doesn't mean he's not crazy. In addition to being a fish-and-marriage afficionado the reverend is also very big on eliminating gays and says the Holocaust was justified as punishment for killing the "first True Parent," who Giblets tells me was Shemp. He also wants to abolish the separation of church and state and turn government into an ultraconservative theocracy where only members of his religion are allowed to rule. And he actually has influence and power, too! Can you believe it?
Here are some of his scarier quotes:
"The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians."
"I think 'one man, one vote,' just unrestricted democracy, would not be wise. There needs to be some kind of protection for the minority which the white people represent now, a minority, and they need and have a right to demand a protection of their rights."
"There is no such thing as separation of church and state in the Constitution. It is a lie of the Left and we are not going to take it anymore."
"If anybody understood what Hindus really believe, there would be no doubt that they have no business administering government policies in a country that favors freedom and equality."
"The Jews are returning to their land of unbelief. They are spiritually blind and desperately in need of their Messiah and Savior."
"I hope I live to see the day when, as in the early days of our country, we won't have any public schools. The churches will have taken them over again and Christians will be running them. What a happy day that will be!"
"I don't know that atheists should be considered citizens, nor should they be considered patriots. This is one nation under God."
"I want you to just let a wave of intolerance wash over you. I want you to let a wave of hatred wash over you. Yes, hate is good... Our goal is a Christian nation. We have a Biblical duty, we are called by God, to conquer this country. We don't want equal time. We don't want pluralism."
Whew! That is pretty awful scary stuff. All I can say is it is a good thing he is just one guy and not a symptom of a much bigger nastier movement determined to take over a large mainstream religion and influence our entire government.
posted by fafnir at 5:45 PM
War Liberal brought us a fantastic piece a news the other day about the Supreme Court in Israel lifting a ban on pork products. Yes Israeli streets can now flow freely with ham an bacon, sausage an salami, veisswurst an head cheese an pickled pig's feet. The great and glorious bounty of pork is now open to all of the Holy Land, let freedom ring!
This is a great moment not only for religious freedom, not only for porkular freedom, but for religio-culinary unity, for Israeli-pork convergence will bring us ever closer to the dream pork unitarians have longed for for six thousand years: kosher pork.
"But Fafnir" you say "how can such a beautiful thing ever be possible it is just too beautiful."
With science my friends. With science. Allow me to demonstrate:
"And the swine, though he divide the hoof, and be cloven footed, yet he cheweth not the cud; he is unclean to you." (Leviticus 11:7)The solution you see is to genetically engineer a pig with extra stomachs that can chew its cud. Then the swine will no longer be unclean and we will have Hassidim dancin for joy in showers of smoked ham in the streets of Jerusalem! "But is it just that easy Fafnir" you ask. Of course it is not that easy. Our special Moses-approved pigs will have to be properly killed and blessed by a Rabbi.
But it doesn't stop with delicious deli meats for our Orthodox brothers an sisters. With the pork barrier laid low another wall between the faiths is toppled an we become closer as a worldwide people. I can only pray that science will one day work with Islam to produce halal pork, that one day we will all be joined together in a Universal Church of Pork where it does not matter what name we give to God but how savory and succulent is our delicious bacon.
posted by fafnir at 11:35 AM
There's been a lotta God in the news lately an not all of it has been good. What with the Holy Wars an the church and state an the clash of civilizations an the spiral of leftist depravity it has been a tough time for God and Godstuff lately. Which is why Fafblog is here to help with Ecumenical Healing Day!
All today we will be tryin to heal the rifts of faith. Heal them with love. Because that is what this blog is all about: love. Have you clicked the link of love my friends? Have you clicked the link of love?
posted by fafnir at 10:41 AM
Monday, June 14, 2004
Giblets was gratified to see the Supreme Court shoot down the Pledge Of Allegiance Under God case today. Michael Newdow, the Godless atheist who would have removed our nation's most prized oiece of God-branding, had argued that the pledge of allegiance violated the First Amendment by favoring religion over atheism.
What a silly busybody! Doesn't he know all real Americans ARE under God? And not just the God of Abraham and Isaac and Jacob, or Allah or Buddha or whatnot. It is Ceremonial God. It is the same God you invoke when you put your hand on a Bible in court or purchase a nondenominational musical Easter card or when you yell "God damn it" when you stub a toe or when you say "God bless you" after a sneeze or a belch. Yes, God is a ceremonial belch-cleanser.
Everything is better when it is embossed with a vague smattering of God! Money is more trustworthy! Flags are more jingoistic! Supreme court buildings are more Law of Mosesy! Ceremonial God supersizes life. More importantly Ceremonial God is the American God. How do you know if that dollar or that oath or that national leader is trustworthy and American? It has the God™ seal of approval that is how!
This God is a fitting adornment for oaths and flags and coins. Especially coins! Ceremonial God blesses your divine use of a slot machine with every quarter you feverishly insert. He marks His glory upon every dollar bill you stuff into the g-string of an aging lap dancer. He is the God of Coke and Pepsi, the all-embracing deity of McDonalds and Wal-Mart. All are one in His commercial bounty.
Giblets longs for a day when God will proudly stand out not just on money, monuments, plaques, greeting cards, university mottos, bumper stickers, action figures and gun shows, but on everything from hamburger wrappers to beer to car insurance. Giblets had a Big Mac dripping with special sauce yesterday, and he thought "Is this special sauce godless, commie special sauce? Or is it All-American, True-Blue, Under God special sauce?" And the sad thing is my friends that Giblets did not know, because it did not say on the box.
Someday we will put an end to all of this and activist advertisers will no longer be able to chase God out of the public sphere and Giblets will be able to proclaim his religious faith in every consumable in the land. But for now our pledge of allegiance is intact and our God is safe. Praise the Lord and pass the french fries. Or better yet Mel Gibson's Passion Fries with Crucifixion Sauce! Now there is a God Giblets can pledge himself to.
posted by Giblets at 2:32 PM
Saturday, June 12, 2004
This is the Boston cream pie. It is creamy. It is rich. It is extravagant. It travels among the glitterati and the well-to-do and it is never out of place. It is so upper crust it does not need a crust. Everyone has good things to say about the schools it went to and the celebrities it hangs out with and its influential family. This is the old money pie.
And it is a good pie, a delicious pie, a pie as smooth and as silky as a limousine made of fur coats. But has this pie forgotten its roots? Has it become distant and cold to its fellow pies, like the earthy apple pie and the hearty pot pie and the homespun pumpkin pie? Or is all of this just the bitter whispering of jealous pies?
You are haughty and aloof, Boston cream pie and we resent you for it. But we resent you because we love you so. We crave your rich texture and privileged upbringing. We pine for your easy socialite lifestyle and your creamy custard filling. Who does not want in their heart of hearts to be the Boston cream pie?
posted by fafnir at 8:54 PM
Well I am proud to bring all our thousands of loyal readers and Glofish afficionados an update regarding the status of Glofish™, the worlds first ever genetically modified pet fish that really glows, which as you know are currently banned in the increasinly dystopian state of California as a result of insidious anti-Glofish anti-freedom forces. We at Fafblog strive to bring you up-to-date up-to-the-moment news on the Glofish liberation movement as it happens. Are so-called libertarians Arthur Silber or Jim Henley bloggin this? Is Eugene Volokh crunchin Glofish law? And still not a peep out of native Californian and canned chicken magnate Calpundit! Fafblog is carryin this story all by ourselves here.
In the Virgin Islands Glofish are bein put on display at the aquarium in Coral World a theme park which is quickly makin a name for itself as one of the premiere Glofish-viewing venues of the western hemisphere. The response to the Glofish exhibit is described as "very positive" which is great news for glofish and therefore for the cause of human liberty in general but more than that, it could spark a new revolution in freedom - whole Gloquaiums full of glowing fish with Glosharks™ and Gloctopi™ and Glolphin™ shows! The forces of evil oppression will shake their heads and say "we do not like these delightful glowing fish for they fill the people with hope and freedom!" and they will try like anything to stop us from building our vast glowing aquariums because they know that as John Stuart Mill said more glowing animals means more civil liberties.
We must fight back and claim our glowing GM pet rights which is why you should write this letter to your senator or congressman today! Do not change the words your words will not be as good.
Dear Senator and/or Congressperson:
Hi how's things, things are fine. Except with Glofish! For one thing they are banned in California can you believe that? I believe Senator or Congressperson that Californians should be able to enjoy Glofish just as much as those wealthy and rich lobbyists in the halls of power do. The right to a Glofish is an inalienable right for all people in the world.
Also I think we should have government-funded Gloquariums in every state to further freedom. Glofish are cheap and easy to take care of Senator or Congressperson, I got mine at the store for like three for ten bucks! With a billion dollars you could buy a lot of Glofish and put them in big tanks all over the country. I also think we should have a National Gloquarium of Congress which will have every type of Glofish in the world so all the children in America can visit it and be inspired by great concepts such as justice liberty and glofish. If we do not have our glofish what else do we have? Nothng that is what Senator or Congressperson. I am a single issue voter an will be notin your response.
posted by fafnir at 4:01 PM
"Should we put Reagan on the ten-dollar bill?" I says to Giblets. "We'd have to bump Alexander Hamilton."
"I don't know why we don't put Aaron Burr on there," says Giblets. "He won the duel."
"Jim Henley says we should put Ray Charles on it," I says.
"Harrumph to Jim Henley," says Giblets. "I had my way we'd have Miles on our money. That way the back of the one-dollar bill could be the cover to Bitches Brew. Which would be bitchin'."
"I dunno," I says. "I prefer his earlier pre-fusion sound such as Round About Midnight and Birth of the Cool."
"That is because you are lame and stupid and bad!" says Giblets. "You have no real love for the soul of jazz, just for bits of music that you like! You did not feel it come alive in the 70s!"
"Neither of us were alive in the 70s," I says.
"You are oppressing Giblets with your rigid temporalist structures!" says Giblets.
"See this always happens Giblets," I says. "Every time we discuss the US treasury we get into fights about jazz and temporalist structures."
"Giblets is going to run away and form his own blog!" says Giblets "And it is going to be a grand celebration of 70s jazz and Giblets and proto-funk and Giblets and stickin' it to the man and Giblets is going to call it 'Sweet Sweetback's Baadasssss Blog'!"
"I feel like soup right now," I says. "I'm going to make some soup."
posted by fafnir at 1:55 PM
The Medium Lobster has been disquieted of late at by the latest round of Iraq torture scandal news. There has been much uproar - among that irritating minority which have not been studiously scrutinizing the week's top story, the beatification of Ronald Reagan, at least - regarding the powers of the president and the incompatibility of torture with a liberal democracy. In the midst of all this, the Medium Lobster would like to offer those with cooler heads some perspective as to the merits of harsh interrogation.
Imagine there is some weapon of mass destruction planted by terrorists in the heart of a city, ready to go off - a "ticking bomb," if you will. Would it be wrong to torture a terrorist to find the location of such a device and save the millions of lives at risk? Hardly. Now, what if instead of torturing a terrorist, interrogators had to torture a confederate of that terrorist - some associate who would know where the terrorist was so they could locate that ticking bomb? Is that dirtying of our hands such a high price to ask in the goal to protect millions? I think not. Now, what if instead of a terrorist's comrade, interrogators have a terrorist's relative or neighbor? Is it still justified to go as far to save innocent lives? I should hope so! And what if that terrorist has a lot of relatives and neighbors - hundreds, even? Would it be wrong to grant blanket authority to torture hundreds of prisoners knowing full well that any of them could have the crucial information required to save a city? Certainly not! And what if the threat we're faced with is not a bomb at all but an even more pernicious threat - a rogue nation with the potential capability to someday construct that bomb? Would it not be America's right - no, her duty - to invade that country, occupy it, and set up a system of torture-like interrogations to rid that country of terrorists and weapons of mass destruction once and for all? Absolutely!
Indeed, the most unsettling question being raised by these latest news items is not the issue of torture itself, but the question of whether America will be strong enough to use that torture to defeat the enemies of life and liberty. The Medium Lobster can only hope that this great nation will retain its nerve.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 12:59 PM
Wednesday, June 9, 2004
This week has been hard on Giblets, with Reagan being dead. Giblets wasn't actually in America per se while he was president, or even while he was cogent. But watching him on television Giblets feels as if he knew him as well as any random stranger watching endless tributes and funerary coverage for days on end. That was the magic connectivity of Reagan, you see.
And what more fitting send-off to the president we sometimes knew and kinda loved than with a week-long televised corpse-a-thon! Giblets is currently flipping between "Reagan: The Legacy," "The Reagan Legacy," "Reagan: The Man, The Legend" and the funeral with the delicious-yet-tasteful pun, "Mourning in America." If Giblets clicks superfast he can see caskets on five networks at once!
But the news networks are not the only ones showcasing President Reagan. Food TV is presenting their marathon "Cooking With Reagan." The former president marinates a salmon steak with the genial smile and sunny demeanor we have all come to love. VH1 has broken off showing looped episodes of "I Love the 80s" to show looped episodes of "I Love Reagan," a zany pop culturefest in which celebrities such as Mo Rocca and Steven Tyler mock yet idolize Reagan in twenty-second segments. And even TNT has switched from showing endless reruns of "Law & Order" to a continuous feed of Sam Waterson playing Jack McCoy playing Reagan, standing tall and erect in front of an enormous American flag and reading all speeches and signed legislation from the administration. A tear glistens in his eye as he reads H. Con. Res. 17.
Giblets can take no more, it pains him to have lost his Reagan so! I flip to the game show channel but alas, it is a rerun of the mid-80s "Press Your Luck" guest-starring Reagan. "No whammies," smiles the Great Communicator as he presses down on the big red button. Oh Reagan, only you could press your luck with such irrepressible optimism. There will be no whammies for you in that good tomorrow, Happy Warrior!
Today they are moving the casket to Washington and Giblets is with them every step of the way, on CNN and Fox and yes even MSNBC. Giblets has seen the mortician interviewed and has seen 3D rotating specs of the coffin. Giblets is given to understand there is talk of setting up a special C-SPAN 4 which will be nothing but Reagan funeral coverage.
Apparently something is happening at the UN, and there's a summit - GE? GM? Giblets has no patience for summits! - but Giblets does not care, this week he only has news-eyes for Reagan. There's also some kinda torture thing goin' on but Giblets does not know why they bother. Torture was so two months ago.
posted by Giblets at 6:36 PM
So Chris comes home today real angry. "Where is my computer an my TV an all my furniture an stuff and why is there a motorcycle in the driveway, did you sell all my stuff an my computer an my TV to buy a motorcycle?" he says. "I can't remember," I says. "Yesterday was so heady." And it was! So very heady.
Chris produces a memo from me to Giblets.
RE: MOTORCYCLE"That was a hypothetical," says Giblets.
"That's true Chris," says me. "Anybody can ask about a hypothetical motorcycle, it does not mean motorcycles were purchased."
Chris has more memos. Where did he get all these memos!
RE: HELMET"That was more hypotheticals," says Giblets. "Nary a non-hypothetcal motorcycle to be found."
"But aren't you glad to know that if we did look at gettin a motorcycle we would have considered all the safety issues?" says me.
"Yes we are responsible Fafnirs and Gibletses," says Giblets. "Who will not go around lookin like dorks."
RE: FUNDING"Chris what you have there is a legal finding," says Giblets.
"A consultation," says me.
"Now all that means is that it was within Gibletsian law to sell your stuff and use it to bu a motorcycle," says Giblets.
"But that doesn't mean we actually sold your stuff and bought a motorcycle!" says me. "Least I don't think we did."
Chris gets all upset sayin "But there is a motorcycle!" which is really besides the point. I mean the memos just show that we talked about buyin a motorcycle, and the motorcycle shows that somebody bought a motorcycle but it doesn't show who it was or how they did it or why. It is another mystery wrapped in a conundrum wrapped in a motorcycle.
Chris asks if we have a receipt for buyin a motorcycle. "I am not in a position to answer that quetion, and the receipt, if it exists, may or may not be classified," says Giblets.
Chris looks all sad now. Chris, don't be like that! If you cheer up you can ride our motorcycle.
posted by fafnir at 3:32 PM
The Weekly Standard has just broken what Giblets has dubbed the prime story of the year: the discovery that numerous Beatles songs were actually about drugs! Backed up by a shocking confession by aging junkie Paul McCartney, intrepid investigative reporter Victorino Matus delves into the lyrics of "Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds" and explains for those of us uninitiated into the heady and terrifying world of illicit drugs:
For those not indoctrinated, it seems fairly obvious: "Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds" is a mnemonic for LSD... Where exactly has [Lucy] gone to? Did her eyes change from kaleidoscopes into the sun or are these two different girls? Clearly the only way to "dig" the message is by going on an acid trip.Giblets is "hip" to your "scene" now, Lennon-McCartney! Music's just not "groovy" enough for ya without that sweet, sweet taste of Mary Jane! First comes the off-beat syncopation and experimentation with eastern rhythms, then comes the heady plunge into a world of vibrant textures and colors where music breathes, walls pulse, and Ringo's sellin' George's ass to Lucky Jim Crackpipe for just one more shot at the Reefer, the Cheeba, the Good Skunk, the Fox Job, the Monkeypaw, the Crab Habit, the Greek Freaky, the Jujyfruit!
For Beatles fans it is the equivalent, as Mr Matus points out, of "finding out that Alger Hiss really was a spy." And worse - a spy on pot! Giblets can only ponder how it would have affected the reputations of John Lennon and Paul McCartney back in the straight and clean days of the 1960s had they been exposed as slaves to the succor of the evil weed. Hopefully now that the record has been set staight the Beatles will be remembered as they should be - as nothing more than subliminal dope peddlers.
posted by Giblets at 1:53 PM
Sunday, June 6, 2004
So Belle Waring has asked an interestin question which happens to be "Blah blah cheesecake blah? Blah cheesecake pie blah blah." Many pie scholars have debated the role of the cheesecake for some time now and it is long past time that we here at Fafblog confronted this thorny and controversial issue.
Look at this cheesecake. It is tasty and delicious. It is oozing with goopy fruit. Its crust is strong but yielding. Its filling is firm but succulent. One bite and we say "Is this not a pie?"
"No!" say the bearded city fathers and protectors of tradition. They point to its crumbliness and its lack of a top crust and they say this is no pie, if we let this be a pie we could let anything be a pie, we could let cakes and sandwiches and horses be pies, and a horse pie is undecent and violates the law of pie.
But such strict pie constructionists are so wound up in the law of pie that they have forgotten what it means to be a pie. Look to the cheesecake. Poke it, does it not yield tasty filling? Prick it, does it not bleed sweet fruit? Eat it, is it not delicious? The spirit of pie is a warm and welcoming one. It envelopes all within its toasty flaky crust. And so it welcomes the cheesecake within itself - as should we all. As should we all.
PS - Happy late birthday to Belle Waring! May it be (or have been) as warm and welcoming as a pie. Happy birthday also to Laura, whose birthday was on the same day. We didn't give Laura nothin. We are sorry Laura! We are hopelessly oblivious Fafnirs and Gibletses. Please forgive us.
posted by fafnir at 6:57 PM
"Ready to fight the Germans Giblets," I says to Giblets.
"Oh you better believe it," says Giblets.
"Oh those Germans better get ready for Fafnir and Giblets," I says.
"For ol Faf and Gibs of the 171st armored balloon division," says Giblets.
"And a proud balloon she is," I says.
"The Germans won't know she is coming," says Giblets.
"Unless they look up above the horizon," I says.
"Which seems unlikely because how often do Germans do that," says Giblets.
"Once a month to coincide with the full moon, or during matin rituals, I read," I says.
"A strange people those Germans," says Giblets.
"Wait do those Germans have guns?" I says.
"Holy crap nobody said anythin about guns!" says Giblets.
"What are they doing with guns! They could hurt people or even pop our balloon!" I says.
"Run away!" says Giblets and we did.
We spent the rest of the war posin as cabaret singers in a French production of "No No Nanette." It ran for three years to terrific reviews!
posted by fafnir at 10:17 AM
On Saturday afternoon, Ronald Wilson Reagan ascended bodily into heaven. Long may he be remembered, for single-handedly destroying the Soviet Union as it was poised to conquer the free world; for rising up in the form of a winged dragon and breathing the pestilence of AIDS forth upon the American continent; for his courage in providing arms to the people of Iraq, Iran, and Central America to defend themselves against the dark threats lurking in Iraq, Iran, and Central America; for his stunning tax reforms, which made jewel-bedecked sultans of the poorest paupers in the land; for his recklessly and disastrously bringing the world to the brink of global nuclear annihilation while following the dark whims of Biblical prophecy and astrological portents; and most of all, for coming to represent all our preconceptions of what America should and shouldn't be.
Was Ronald Reagan the best president? No, nor was he the worst. But the important thing is that now, long after his passing, he can be idealized, transformed and transfigured by time and ideology into a symbol of everything we desire or loathe in America, so that Ronald Reagan the man is utterly erased and replaced with Ronald Reagan the Icon, a convenient projection of our most feverish motivations in animatronic Hall-of-Presidents form.
When we keep our leaders larger than life, they become larger than our ability to rationally discuss them. We apply wondrous sobriquets, classifying the giants of the Oval Office with Catholic precision, making saints and Mysteries of men. Who can question the fighting spirit of the Happy Warrior, or the resilience of the Comeback Kid? The very invocation of their names becomes a sacrament or blasphemy, and as long as we keep their memories blown wildly out of proportion, we'll never have to confront them.
And how much more comfortable that is for us. The danger of Reagan the man, after all, is that we might learn from him. The man was real - a flesh and blood president whose triumphs and failings might lead us to question our own preconceptions. Reagan the Icon exists only in our mind, a creature of our prejudices and ideologies - a figure from unhistory who threatens to teach us nothing.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 3:29 AM
Friday, June 4, 2004
Giblets has finally seen The Day After Tomorrow, and he has to say, boy, am I relieved! Giblets was worried that this "global warming" thing might be real for a while there but clearly it is some sensationalistic crazy Hollywood thing, like UFOs, Bigfoot, and the Holocaust.
Polar ice caps melting? New York City slowly falling under an interminably rising tide? Giblets does not think so! Not when the CG effects on those giant tornados are so obvious. Giblets does not believe in the future extinction of thousands of plants and animal species, any more than he believes that Dennis Quaid can walk a glacier in a blizzard for two days and live!
So out with the coal and greenhouse gases! Giblets has fossil fuels to burn and internal combustion engines to run in a consequence-free environment! Two percent of climatologists can't be wrong!
posted by Giblets at 5:37 PM
Yknow just when I was gettin down on this whole "war of choice turned into horribly failed state" thing, it is nice to see a new perspective that can cheer me up. Thinking man's blogger Andrew Sullivan astutely points out that the military in Iraq see the takeover of Fallujah by crazy fundamentalists as a positive thing:
Since we have stayed out of Falluja and focused elsewhere, the mujahadeen have had their run of the town. As they have had no one to fight, they have turned their criminal instincts on the citizens...Andrew Sullivan says "Because of men like this - and my gut belief that people anywhere will choose freedom over slavery, given a real chance - I'm still a proud supporter of this war and an optimist about its future."
Wow - leavin Iraqis to themselves to figure out Iraq! That really is an inspirin way to look at a justification for invasion, Andrew Sullivan. I too am still a proud supporter of this war.
posted by fafnir at 4:17 PM
Well I am back early from writin my novel. I had to come back early for many reasons not the least of which has been the sudden incapacitation of Giblets who is lyin bloated and pained in the livin room after drinking six gallons of V8. Oh Giblets! Cant I leave you alone for just one day? "Do not look at me," Giblets moans sadly. "I was once like you."
But Giblets is not the only one who is in pain. So is my novel, an so is Ahmed Chalabi, a fine gentleman of Iraqi con man descent whom I have known and trusted for some time now. I first met Mr Chalabi yesterday when I began work on my thousand-chapter-long whaling epic, "The Salt and the Crashing and the Salt: An Ode to the Sea." Ahmed offered to be my literary agent an said he could get me a great distribution deal in Iraq.
"Do you really think Iraqis will like my whaling epic Ahmed?" I asked Ahmed.
"Yes, it will be easy," said Ahmed, "And it will be greeted as a best-seller."
Ahmed's fee of $355,000 a month was a little steep but Ahmed knew all these great connections that would get my book to sell so it was really worth it! Chris kept sayin "No don't trust him he steals money from banks" but Chris is just a pro-Baathist lackey. Plus he is just jealous of my awesome whaling epic.
But when the books hit the shelves yesterday afternoon they were met with a lot of skepticism and resistance. I just don't understand it! Ahmed told me Iraqis love whaling books. And now I hear he is under suspicion for plagiarizing my book and giving it to the Iranians! I was crushed until Christopher Hitchens explained it all to me last night over a couple bottles of wine. Now I feel a lot better.
But what if with all our investigating Ahmed Chalabi for spying, and for stealing stuff, and lying to people, we hurt his feelings? What if we have driven him away in our foolish foolish pride?
Ahmed come back! We cant succeed in our critical whaling-epic project without you! Come back, Ahmed! Come back!
posted by fafnir at 2:50 PM
Thursday, June 3, 2004
Giblets is angry! But why is Giblets angry? Is he really mad at all those things outside himself in the world, like hippies and bugs and lack of riches and babies? Or is he mad at something else? Maybe he is mad at something inside. Maybe he is mad at something somehow within Giblets, something that has picked at him sadly ever since he was a little Giblets.
Maybe all Giblets wants is to love and to be loved. Maybe Giblets needs to learn to love himself.
Maybe the only one Giblets really wants to bow before Giblets... is Giblets.
Bah! Wistfulness makes Giblets angry! A thousand poxes upon you all for watching Giblets's wistfulness! Martial law is imposed! Tariffs and taxes on everything! All fruit is banned! Giblets is angry! So, so angry!
posted by Giblets at 11:06 PM
Giblets is angry! There is a bug here on the carpet and Giblets has been trying to squash it and it keeps getting back up! This bug defies death! What unholy force animates you, bug? What dark power moves your undead bug-limbs? Your continued existence makes Giblets so angry!
Why must bugs exist? Earlier today Giblets was spraying all the bugs on his porch with bugspray but they just keep coming! Giblets has run out of bugspray and needs to buy more! Fafnir says "Oh the bugspray is bad for the environment" oh well excuse me environment but you made bugs and you enrage Giblets! The environment has made Giblets angry! I hope you get climate change and die!
And the heat! And the itching! And the noise! And the silence! And the light! And the sun! And rain! And fibers and plastics and infants and moving things and air!
posted by Giblets at 10:23 PM
Giblets is angry! Where is his monkey? Not the dancing monkey or the juggling monkey, the violin-playing monkey! Its violin is right here and it should have a monkey attatched to it! Giblets paid good money for that monkey and he will be entertained by it if it is the last thing that monkey does! Bring him that monkey!
And another thing - where is my cocoa? Yes Giblets has a mug of cocoa right here but this is Nesquick cocoa, not Swiss Miss cocoa! Giblets will only drink Swiss Miss cocoa, and then only Swiss Miss French Chocolate cocoa. You are trying to pawn off your cheap crappy knock-off cocoa onto Giblets! Giblets will not stand for it! Bring me my cocoa!
And where are my slaves? Thirteenth Amendment nothing, Giblets demands slaves! Slaves and concubines for Giblets! This is like the sixth or seventh time this week I have asked for slaves and monkeys and concubines and they have been tardy in their arrival! Giblets will tolerate this no longer! Bring Giblets his slaves!
After all Giblets has done for you there is not much Giblets asks for in return, and that is a monkey. And cocoa and slaves and concubines. And drugs. And a conscripted army to fling to war at my bidding. A monkey and cocoa and slaves and concubines and drugs and a conscripted army to fling to war at my bidding. And he cannot even get that! Bring me my monkey! Bring me my monkey now!
posted by Giblets at 9:47 PM
Not only has John Kerry issued a swift and strong response to the booting of George Tenet, but he prominently displayed the link to it on his website in what appears to be 6-point-font under the "News" tab in the upper-right-hand corner. Giblets may not like John Kerry, but he must grudgingly appreciate the slick campaign style and bold positions on foreign policy that have helped him energize the base and justify his clean sweep in the Democratic primaries.
Giblets was also blown away by Kerry's latest ad in which he proposes to build a stronger, bolder foreign policy made entirely of smiling, grizzled veterans and starry-eyed blonde children. Very intriguing, Senator! Giblets presumes they are to be fed as fuel into some brilliantly-conceived veteran-and-child-powered foreign policy engine? Keep up with ideas like this and Giblets would almost consider voting for you - if Giblets believed in voting.
posted by Giblets at 9:00 PM
Giblets is angry! Giblets is outraged at the firing at George Tenet! Personal reasons, Giblets's magnificent ass! And Giblets and his ass are apalled at the firing of George Tenet - an indeed strong and superb and resolute and kind-of-servant-you-like-to-work-with Director of Central Intelligence! More importantly, he was OUR Director of Central Intelligence, the SAME Director of Central Intelligence, and by changing leaders now we have sent our country's leadership into unsteady waters.
What this country needs is steady leadership in times of change. Not intelligent leadership, not correct leadership, but steady leadership. Steadiness. Resolve. The resolve to keep doing what you are already doing, even if it is hopelessly boneheaded and wrong. In the face of such resolve, the terrorists will be cowed, fleeing into their terrorist hidey-holes, terrified by the tenacity of an opponent so fiercely determined to keep losing to them in the exact same way.
But if we fire incompetant officials, we are not using steady leadership. We are attempting to "correct" our leadership. We are not staying the course. We are suggesting that there is some better course. Well Giblets for one is quite happy with this course! He knows it quite well and if it happens to veer into that ravine, he will be the first to inform you that his course is getting us to the bottom of the ravine swifter and surer than any other course out there! What's your problem? Are you a ravine-hater? Are you objectively anti-ravine?
Giblets would also like to remind everyone who is gloating over the dismissal of the strong, resolute, and strong Director Tenet that this dismissal is most likely being celebrated by our terrorist enemies. Now that they know that things like terrorist attacks and guerilla bombings and wildly inaccurate prewar intelligence can bring down one of our nation's top terror-fighters, they will now act with more fervor against America, in an attempt to control the selection of our appointed officials. The firing of an inept cabinet official is a firing for terror.
posted by Giblets at 6:12 PM
Giblets is angry! He is angered by cartoonish caricatures of "evil corporations" as oil-swilling people-crushing money-slurping soulless monsters who squeeze little old grandmas and eat the bones of the working man for breakfast. That is crazy left-wing Chomskyite talk which has no place in our sensible new world. So you can see how Giblets was outraged by the tapes released this week of Enron employees-slash-gangstas engineering the California energy crisis:
"He just f---s California," says one Enron employee. "He steals money from California to the tune of about a million."Add to that the internal Pentagon email that suggests that Halliburton's Iraq contract was "coordinated" with Dick Cheney's office and it is becoming clear that Reality itself is becoming some kind of crazed commie. I mean, the Vice President pulling strings to get his oil buddies contracts for postwar reconstruction AND a giant energy conglomerate deliberately sabotaging a state's economy just to get richer? Come on, Universe. Giblets did not believe these kinds of paranoid fantasies when they were coming from Ralph Nader and he does not believe them coming from you.
It just pisses Giblets off that God and Truth have become flaming socialists. But it figures - it's what they're teaching 'em at those lefty schools these days.
posted by Giblets at 3:15 PM
"Gibleeeeets," Fafnir says to me this morning "I need you to take over the Faaaaaafblooooog."
"I will do it!" says me, Giblets. "It is mine! It is Giblets's! It is Giblog!"
"I must work on my one-thousand-chapter-long whaling epic, 'The Salt and the Crashing and the Salt: An Ode to the Sea,'" says Fafnir.
"It is mine!" says me, Giblets. "It is all mine! Every word and letter and syllable! Every hyperlink and punctuation mark! Every comment is Giblets's!"
"It is about whales and whaling and the sea," says Fafnir. "The first half is narrated by the whale. The second half is narrated by the sea. The third half is narrated by a Falknerian idiot man-child."
"Nothing will ever wrest it away from the mighty fist of Giblets!" says Giblets. "No power on earth or in heaven! No fire or scourge of the gods! All will be laid low by my Gibletsian blogocracy!"
"The character of the sea talks entirely in capitals," says Fafnir, "and in big 'WHOOSH' noises."
"Bow before Giblets, Fafblog!" says Giblets. "Bow before Giblets FOREVER!"
"WHOOSH," says Fafnir. "WHOOSH."
posted by Giblets at 11:46 AM
Wednesday, June 2, 2004
Some an Giblets were playin our newest favorite game "Grapefruits and Keyboards" when suddenly and for no particular reason the keyboard stopped working.
"Huh," says me. "You think grapefruits are bad for keyboards?"
"Impossible!" says Giblets. "Grapefruits are good for everyone! Think of the vitamin C."
"Very true," says me. "We should put more grapefruit on it an see if it gets any better."
So naturally we spent the next hour or so poundin grapefruits into the thing but it was funny! After a while the keyboard got even more broken and a loud regular beeping started comin out of the computer!
"Oh no!" says me. "It is a bomb, in our very own PC!"
"It is the terrorists!" says Giblets. "And you doubted the efficacy of the Terror Alert System!"
"I'm sorry Tom Ridge!" says me. "Take pity on this poor penitent Fafnir!"
"Run away!" says Giblets, and we do, into the Outside.
So there we are for most of Sunday and all of Monday, sittin Outside, waitin for Chris to get back an fix our keyboard and defuse the bomb.
"But who will Fafblog?" says me.
"Maybe the Medium Lobster can do it," says Giblets.
"The Medium Lobster is busy, at the symposium," says me. "At the symposium of higher beings."
"I wish we could goto the symposium of higher beings," says Giblets.
"But we cannot," says me, "because we are lesser beings." And we sigh.
Later we get hungry and order a pizza but when it comes we do not have enough money and can only afford the garlic stix.
posted by fafnir at 3:06 PM
Saturday, May 29, 2004
AN ENORMOUS PUMPKIN is one of America’s most renowned and influential public figures. Its latest book, already a New York Times bestseller, is available everywhere.
FAFBLOG: Wow. It is an incredible pleasure to meet you, enormous pumpkin!
AN ENORMOUS PUMPKIN: Indeed it is! I am quite enormous!
FB: You certainly are! Ha ha ha!
AEP: Quite an astonishingly large member of the gourd family!
FB: Indeed! Now, enormous pumpkin, first off let me ask you the question I know everyone has been askin you.
AEP: Ho ho! Here it comes!
FB: Will you be John Kerry's vice presidential candidate if he asks you to?
AEP: Ha ha ha! Fafnir well of course I would be greatly honored to be even considered, but I can't think about those kinds of things right now, what with all my duties as an enormous pumpkin!
FB: Well yknow I had to try!
AEP: Oh, I know you did. After all, who wouldn't, seeing what an incredibly large pumpkin I am!
FB: You are incredibly large!
AEP: I weigh over 1400 pounds!
FB: That's so many pounds!
AEP: It really is!
FB: Now I understand you are deliverin an address at the World War II memorial this Monday.
AEP: That's true. It's a great honor, even for such a huge pumpkin.
FB: Can you tell us what it'll sound like?
AEP: Mostly silence, with some rooty settling noises, seeing that, as a pumpkin, I am incapable of speech.
FB: That's very appropriate and thoughtful.
AEP: I certainly thought so.
FB: I also hear you have a book comin out!
AEP: Yes! It has no title or words and the binding is pulverized after having been rolled over by my enormous bulk!
FB: You are very, very enormous!
AEP: I have a diameter in excess of twenty feet!
FB: Thank you for talking with us, enormous pumpkin.
AEP: The pleasure was all mine.
Thank you all for bein a part of Fafblog Interview Week! Our next theme week will be Hitting Giblets With A Spoon Week in which every post for a week will be a sound file of Giblets bein hit by someone with a spoon. "Ow," says Giblets.
posted by fafnir at 11:59 PM
The Pope has called American life "soulless" and says there is a crisis of spirituality in our country. First, Giblets has this to say: shut up, Pope! No one is the boss of Giblets! Why are you not dead yet? Stupid old smelly old Pope! You smell!
Also: the Pope is right. By accident! Giblets happens to agree with the Pope. America what is wrong with you? You need to be more spiritual, like Giblets. Giblets is so spiritual! Behold Giblets at the mall. Giblets connects with the souls and spirits of all things. "Buy me, Giblets!" they shout out to him. "Buy us, we are so pretty and shiny and new!" And Giblets reaches out to comfort and protect them, like a apirit-earth-mother-Giblets to its child. Look at this windup monkey! And this ice cream cone! And these imitation pants! And this toothpaste! And this plastic! Their souls sing to Giblets, and his soul flows out to them, in the form of dollars, and they flow back to him, in the form of stuff.
Tomorrow they will break, and or he will tire of them, and Giblets will throw them out, and their souls will depart and flow afresh into the continuum of stuff, and the cycle begins anew. It is so beautiful. It is so Life. Giblets would cry now but that would make Giblets look gay.
Flow with stuff, America. Embrace your spirit-selves. Be.
posted by Giblets at 10:15 PM
Recently a few distressed voices in the wilderness have been raised in alarm at the newest, darkest, and most dangerous threat to America's success in the war on terror: the media. Morton Kondracke recently pointed out that the media "is in danger of talking the United States into defeat in Iraq. And the results would be catastrophic." He goes on to pin the West's Iraq problems squarely where they belong: on the media's fixation with the Abu Ghraib scandal. How astute, Mr Kondracke! For it was in fact the press's obsession with military torture that allowed the the Shiite and Sunni insurgencies to claim whole cities from the American occupation.
But what to do about this pernicious enemy within? Analytical wunderkind and concerned lover of law Glenn Reynolds muses, "Freedom of the press, as it exists today (and didn't exist, really, until the 1960s) is unlikely to survive if a majority -- or even a large and angry minority -- of Americans comes to conclude that the press is untrustworthy and unpatriotic." Quite true, Professor Reynolds. And America will likely need that angry minority if we're to inforce patriotism on our press, and end the nightmarish salvo of information and journalism that threatens to cripple the war effort. For this is not merely a war for freedom. Indeed, it is also a war against freedom - specifically, that freedom which seeks to destroy freedom.
These concepts may be too complex and nuanced for the unsophisticated or Democrats to fully grasp, but the Medium Lobster will endeavor to explain. A free-loving society must protect not only its freedoms, but the society which enables those freedoms to be protected, for if that society was to be destroyed, then all freedoms would disappear. In order for freedom to persist, we must outlaw the freedom to destroy or damage society. Thus, freedom cries out for us to destroy those freedoms which would destroy freedom, such as murder, genocide, violent revolution, sedition, criticism of good wars, publication of disheartening news regarding those wars, criticism of the Commander In Chief during wartime, the teaching of seditious literature, obscenity,
Many will still not grasp the importance of this, and will continue to read fifth column columns such as The New York Times, The Washington Post, and The New Yorker. The Medium Lobster would caution that those who do so only give aid and comfort to the forces of anti-freedom freedom.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 8:46 PM
JESUS CHRIST is the author of a number of popular self-help books and recipe collections. He lives in Berkeley with his wife and their three children.
FAFBLOG: This is a really delicious corndog Jesus.
JESUS CHRIST: Yeah, I like corndogs.
FB: Y'know I heard that in California they have these corndog stands where they will make a corndog for you right there, fresh on a stick, and it is a fresh corndog, and it is the most delicious thing in the world?
JC: That's gotta be a damn tasty corndog.
FB: It is the Shangri-la of all corndogs. Now Jesus what do You think about gay marriage?
JC: In my time I was strongly opposed to the practice of divorce. Divorce is rampant in America between heterosexual couples. I don't understand how barring more couples from marrying is "defending" marriage.
FB: That sounds kinda squishy Jesus.
JC: Maybe it is.
FB: Intelligent Design is the latest hippest craze sweepin our schools. Should we replace teachin natural selection with Intelligent Design, or teach them both next to each other?
JC: I think natural selection itself seems like a pretty intelligent design.
FB: You are not givin me a lot of red meat here Jesus.
JC: I'm sorry.
FB: You would never make it on Hardball is all I'm sayin. Jesus who do You like in the next election?
JC: I really don't like giving political endorsements, Fafnir.
FB: C'mooooon Jesus! I wanna know who God wants me to voooooote for!
JC: I'd rather not. I'm actually a big supporter of the separation of church and state. Give unto Caesar that which is Caesar's, and give unto God that which is God's.
FB: Does that which is God's include a preference for John Kerry's veep pick?
JC: Y'know, Fafnir, a lot of people really got the wrong idea about me when I came here. They thought I was all about gaining temporal power, about building a kingdom on earth. But it was the devil who offered me the opportunity to rule the world, and I turned that down. I told my followers that I wasn't there to build an empire, but even after I died they fought wars to expand empires that ruled in my name.
FB: So what is Your position on the Iraq war Jesus? Does the Holy Spirit have an exit strategy?
JC: I think you're missing the point. Acquiring earthly power for the sake of the church, making laws in my name - it's the last thing I want. I told them my kingdom was not of this world.
FB: Is it on the moon?
JC: It's -
FB: 'Cause we're goin to the moon again Jesus!
FB: It'll be awesome!
JC: Yes, Fafnir. My kingdom is on the moon.
FB: That's so great! Jesus and the moon, together at last. Are there robots in the kingdom of heaven, Jesus?
JC: Sure. Why not.
posted by fafnir at 4:46 AM
Friday, May 28, 2004
So I have just learned from CNN that Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge an Attorney General John Ashcroft have released a joint statement clearin up their previous disagreements about the new terror alert. Huh! I woulda figured they'd of figured out these terror alert dealies together before they announce em, but I am not the terror expert here. Neither is Giblets.
"The homeland is safer," says Giblets. "I have just shot a terrorist."
"Giblets what are you doin shooting terrorists!" says me. "You are banned from the use of firearms in twelve states."
"Gun laws are insolent," says Giblets. "When guns are outlawed only the outlaws will get to shoot terrorists."
"That was not a terrorist!" says me. "That was James McNew of Yo La Tengo!"
"Are you sure?" says Giblets. "I was pretty certain he was the long-haired white guy from the FBI release."
"You have not killed an enemy of freedom," says me. "You have just killed the pulsin basswork behind America's premiere noise-pop band."
"Eh," says Giblets. "They lost me with 'Summer Sun' anyway."
Well we are gonna be busy for most of the evening buryin James McNew in our backyard (please do not tell anyone we killed James McNew readers. Lets just keep this between us). We will see all of you later. Giblets says to hide outside in the bushes and stab anything that moves til this blows over.
posted by fafnir at 6:46 PM
Two of my favorite bloggers, chili dog magnate Kevin Drum and misunderstood comic book dictator Von, have an argument goin about troop levels in Iraq and whether more troops and better planning could have helped salvage the war. Its a very good read, and Von is very right about the religion and money part (The main problem with peace is gettin people fat and happy. All things being equal people would rather stay fat and happy than be starving, miserable, and at righteous war with the enemies of God).
The part that gets me angry is about troops. Everybody says we need more troops and we in fact do not have any more troops. Everybody hates the draft so that is right out. So what are we left with? Easy - cloning! Why are we not cloning our troops to create a vast army of super experienced clone troops? Because of pressure from Republicans and Democrats to ban human cloning!
For shame, Republicans and Democrats! I wept when I learned I could not have a tiny miniature T. Rex all my own. I wept when I learned I could not have, say, fifty or sixty other Fafnirs to stock our next beach party. And I weep now for our national security. Your backwards superstitious ways have wounded America once again.
posted by fafnir at 12:12 PM
Only he could make the "Washingtonienne" thing, the kitchen-sized sex scandal that's hot as week-old lard and twice as sexy, cool again. Yes, Giblets is a closet free speech law nerd.
posted by Giblets at 11:46 AM
Thursday, May 27, 2004
Fafblog Interview Week continues with an interview of Osama bin Laden. We have actually managed to interview him from deep in his secret lair somewhere along the Afghanistan-Pakistan border. Fafblog scoops Russert yet again!
FAFBLOG: So Osama bin Laden, how's evil doin?
OSAMA BIN LADEN: MWAHAHAHAHA! Oh, evil stands ready to triumph over good, little Fafnir!
FB: Oh I do not believe that Osama bin Laden! Good will always triumph over evil.
OBL: Not THIS time! This time I'm hatching my most diabolical scheme ever - my plot to elect JOHN KERRY president!
FB: Oh no!
OBL: Oh yes! I'm going to attack the United States in the next few months, forcing Americans to vote for Democrats! And nothing can stop me! [singing] Whatever O-sama wants... O-sama gets...
FB: But why, Osama bin Laden? Why?
OBL: Because of free trade. Free trade, affirmative action, abortion rights, equal marriage rights for gays, universal health care. Especially universal health care! Allah demands that martyr-blood flow in rivers through the infidel streets of America until the West has universal health care!
FB: I had no idea you were such a policy wonk Osama bin Laden.
OBL: For it is written, "Did not Truman put universal health coverage for all godless Americans in the Democratic Party platform fifty years ago? Let the gates of jihad be opened until every man, woman, and child is fully insured."
FB: Osama bin Laden you are insane! You have to know that universal health care is a crazy pipe dream, just like re-establishing the caliphate.
OBL: But it is not just John Kerry's domestic policies we covet. Allah smiles upon his foreign policies as well. Al Qaeda desires the conflict in Iraq to be internationalized and more troops and a more efficient "police and intelligence operation" approach to be brought to the war on terror. Because once the infidel dogs of the West fight the warriors of Allah with a quicker, lighter, multilateral approach... then, ah, THEN will we truly be able to destroy you!
FB: You will never get people to elect John Kerry, Osama bin Laden!
OBL: Yes we will! First we will launch a new terrorist attack on the US, forcing Americans to vote for Kerry! Then just to be sure we will launch a MoveOn-style blitz of negative anti-Bush ads using money collected from our 527s, while sending Abu Musab al-Zarqawi to plug the Democrats on Meet the Press and Hardball!
FB: Oh no!
OBL: Oh yes! And by the time I speak at the Democratic National Convention in Boston, America's fate will be sealed!
FB: You will never get away with this Osama bin Laden!
OBL: I already have! MWA-HAHAHAHA! MWA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Well I could go on about my daring escape from Osama bin Laden's mountain fortress but that would take all night. And then I couldnt tell you about how tomorrow we have an interview with Jesus! Wow, how do we keep doin this? It is pretty amazin I can tell you that!
posted by fafnir at 9:55 PM
"Should we help Chris with packing?" I says.
"If we help Chris with Chris's packing then we interfere with the delicate balance of nature," says Giblets. "Like the lion and the wildebeest."
"Should we pack the wildebeest?" I says.
"We only have room for the wildebeest or the juicer," says Giblets. "The juicer is a modern convenience."
"But the wildebeest is beautiful, like a fine woman, or a painting of a tree," I says.
"The juicer is beautiful in its own way," says Giblets.
"It grazes in its fields," I says. "It frolics in its streams. It frolics."
"The lion pounces on the juicer," says Giblets.
"Its terrible claws sink deep," I says. "Oh no! The juicer screams for help!"
"Run, juicer, run!" says Giblets.
We scream for some time for Chris to pack the juicer before it is too late and the lion comes. Chris is irritable and confused.
"We have saved the juicer," I says.
"We have interfered with natural law," says Giblets.
"There will be consequences," I says.
"Tidal waves and ice ages and goats born with three heads," says Giblets.
"But we will have a juicer in the new age," I says.
"Yes," says Giblets, and we smile with satisfaction.
posted by fafnir at 7:02 PM
Last week the Medium Lobster warned readers of the dangers of a Kerry presidency. The Medium Lobster's warning, it appears, could not have been more timely, as the nightmare juggernaut that is the Kerry campaign has launched the Massachusetts liberal into a daunting three-point lead over George Bush in the latest Rasmussen Tracking Poll. One glance at the poll's history and it becomes clear that Kerry has cleverly used recent turmoil in Iraq and the President's sinking approval ratings to his advantage - by remaining all but invisible to the American electorate.
As Democratic strategists from Charles Krauthammer to elder statesman and master political guru Mickey Kaus have pointed out, Kerry has wisely opted to refrain from such disastrous tactical errors as "hitting Bush where he's weak," or "substantively critiquing foreign policy," or "offering a viable and coherent alternative." Instead, Kerry has cunningly chosen to sit back, relying on a handful of biographical ads and the unmistakable charismatic pull of his screen absence to draw in supporters. And that strategy could win Kerry the election - in a landslide.
From his mantra-like delivery to the crisp, cynical packaging of his campaign theme - "Let America Be America Again" - Kerry is coldly exploiting America's rich history of Zen populism, planning to ride all the way to the White House on a wave of faltering invisibility. There is still hope, however - Kerry has begun embarking on an 11-day foreign policy tour, a mistake which could cripple his campaign by fatally reminding the voting public he exists. Treacherous tactitian that Kerry is, however, it is entirely possible that this will entirely consist of unremarkable speeches delivered to policy institutes which will go entirely unnoticed by anyone outside of CSPAN-2 - only clinching Kerry's grip on the battleground states. In which case America may be already lost.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 5:58 PM
Wednesday, May 26, 2004
Fafblog Interview Week continues with our exclusive interview with Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld!
FAFBLOG: Great to have you here Donald Rumsfeld! Lets get right to it an start by askin: what is with this torture thing, and how long have you known about it?
DONALD RUMSFELD: Good gosh, that's a tricky one there. Was it torture? Were detainees indefinitely held for days with bags over their heads? Yes. Were testicles electrocuted? You bet. Were orifices molested, flesh ripped by dogs, and nostils raped? Almost certainly. But torture? Hard to say.
FB: Wow - that IS hard to say.
DR: It sure is.
FB: A recent article in the New Yorker says you approved extending a secret interrogation program that allowed torture tactics to spread to Iraq. Is that true?
DR: My goodness me! Did the Pentagon implement a black ops interrogation program that greatly expanded what guards could do to prisoners? Maybe. Did I personally expand that program to low-level prisoners captured in Iraq? Possibly. Did this lead to the abuses at Abu Ghraib? Who can say?
FB: It's almost like the more questions we ask the fewer answers we know!
DR: The truth is a swirling miasma of shadow and fog, Fafnir.
FB: Now Secretary Rumsfeld, there are a lot of people criticizing your handling of the war over things like the undermanning of the military, the not preparing for reconstruction, the letting crazy militias run whole cities. What is your response to those critics?
DR: Well, jeepers, it's hard to say. It's easy for those people, in their press boxes and their ivory towers, to sit back and criticize without having to do the actual work of running the military. Now would another secretary of defense have done a better job, or do a better job? That question comes with a lot of unknowns. Some of those unknowns we know, and some of them we don't know. Do we have a metric for these known unknowns? Are there more unknown unknowns than known unknowns? Is that another unknown? We just don't know.
FB: It's all so crazy we might as well just leave things as they are with you in charge!
DR: If you say so.
FB: Now we can't let you go without askin you about one more thing. Some people have been sayin you should resign lately... John Kerry, Nancy Pelosi, Tom Harkin, The Economist...
DR: Now, I've accepted responsibility before and I'll accept responsibility again for everything done under my command. But I'll be damned... damned... if I let a few systemic, widespread, and grotesque atrocities reflect on the character and conviction of the high-ranking civilian and military brass who created the environment that fostered those atrocities.
FB: ...The New York Times, The Army Times, The Seattle Times, The Washington Post almost, The Council for American-Islamic Relations...
DR: And I'll caution those in the press that they should be very careful about the way they handle and release these stories and these pictures, because right now by piling on the United States they're providing ammunition, aid and comfort to the enemy.
FB: ...Anthony Zinni, Al Gore, Richard Clarke, Wesley Clark...
DR: Thanks for having me here.
Tomorrow we will be interviewin Osama bin Laden, from his mysterious and undisclosed hiding-cave along the Pakistan-Afghanistan border! It is amazing, how are we gettin an interview with Osama bin Laden?
posted by fafnir at 11:51 PM
In an attempt to correct a rare mistyping (can the Medium Lobster mistype?) resulting in the substitution of "jumped by" for "jumped to," the original post was consumed in its entirety by Blogger, a dark and fearsome transgalactic entity in its own right whose dark will and powers frequently find themselves at odds with my own. At any rate, the Medium Lobster invites all to attend to the International Institute for Strategic Studies, and most notably the Strategic Survey 2003/4 - the press launch for which is available in always-convenient PDF.
The Medium Lobster is certain you will all find it rich with the startling new information that the Iraq war has increased the likelihood of terrorism, that progress in Iraq has been hampered by a lack of troops and poor coordination between the occupation and the Iraqis, and that security problems continue to persist. This is all incredible news proving another startling victory in the war on terror, for reasons the Medium Lobster would explain once again, were he not so staggered with the exhaustion of a cosmic and metaphysical battle the likes of which your petty minds are too limited to conceive.
The BBC comments on the report, quoting it to the effect that al Qaeda has been "spurred on" by the Iraq war, swelling its ranks to the current terrifying number of 18,000. CNN quotes it to indicate that in fact American forces have successfully reduced al Qaeda numbers to a mere 18,000. The Medium Lobster leaves you to ponder this press koan in solitude.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 5:44 PM
What is that rustic pie-figure jutting out over the plains? Who casts that rugged pie profile from the top of the hills?
It is the people's pie. It is the pie of the blue-collar worker, the pie of the proletariat. It is the shepherd's pie.
This is not a sweet pie, or a fancy pie. It's not a pie with a lot of your big words and highbrow book-learnin. All this pie knows is its mashed potatoes and its ground meatstuff and to protect its herd of sheep in the cold dark nights from the cold dark predators that wait in the shadows. It speaks in short, rugged words like "Uh-huh" an "Yep" and "Git along, sheep." It is an honest, simple pie, and we extoll its simplicities. It is taken to the big city and the fancy women where its simple rugged pieness is unique and different, and it is celebrated and embraced by the deacons of high culture.
Symposiums are held and writers speak of the complex meaning of the shepherd's pie. Professors analyze it carefully and believe it to be made of part potato, part ground beef, part browned onion, and part redemption for the corrupt and cynical nature of the old metropolis. Everyone is excited about the shepherd's pie, until someone eats a bite and says "Wait, this is shepherd's pie?" and everyone else says "Ewww, gross" and it is left on the table to grow old and cold and forgotten with the leftovers.
Oh shepherd's pie. Do not weep! Fafblog will always be here to love and eat you. You will always hold the heroic mashed potatoes of our heart.
posted by fafnir at 1:38 PM
Tuesday, May 25, 2004
Giblets has no patience for stories like this one:
Sources: Major terror attack possible this summerPossible targets include the Olympics in Greece, Fourth of July celebrations, and the Democratic and Republican national conventions. In other words, everything that's happening this summer. There is no plan to raise the terror threat level and "nothing... to indicate a specific threat or looming attack against New York City... Nor have we been advised that terrorists are known to be in the United States actively plotting such an attack." The US government wants you to be clueless and scared, just like they are. It's a bonding experience!
From the sound of things the plan is to avoid any kind of metropolitan area and hide in the sticks until election day. Is that a safe and recommended course of action? No, because "security officials have expressed concern that so-called 'soft targets' such as passenger and freight trains could be vulnerable to attack in the United States." So getting on that train to Hayseed County makes you a moving target for al Qaeda.
Usually in stories like this Giblets is told to "remain vigilant." What the hell is that supposed to mean? Am I supposed to go out on patrol? Jump across rooftops in a cape and cowl and scour the night for evildoers? All this intelligence is giving me a headache. Giblets is gonna sleep it off.
posted by Giblets at 11:36 PM
All this week - an by "all this week" we mean "Tuesday through when we feel like it" - Fafblog will be interviewin figures of weighty national and international import. This is just one more way that Fafblog brings you the hard-hittin news coverage. Today we interview Focus on the Family leader James Dobson.
FAFBLOG: So! How's the Family?
JAMES DOBSON: The Family is in deadly danger, Fafnir.
FB: Danger? Oh no! I like families!
JD: Yes, danger from the homosexual agenda which has been trying for decades to destroy it.
FB: I never knew homosexuals had an agenda! I just thought they were ordinary people who were easily stereotyped as lovers of musical theater.
JD: So they and the gay-controlled Hollywood elite would have you believe. But the Forces of Gay are now closer than ever to destroying the divine institution of the civil marriage certificate, and with it, the family itself.
FB: You must hate gay people then, since they're trying to destroy the family.
JD: We don't hate gay people, Fafnir. We just want them to functionally cease to exist by having them suppress all their natural physical impulses and force themselves to marry and have sex with members of the opposite gender.
FB: Wow. That's a very loving attitude to take Dr. Dobson.
JD: Yes, it is.
FB: Now Dr. Dobson you are also involved in the Family Research Council which I am lead to believe does highly scientific research on families. What kind of research do you do?
JD: Well, Fafnir, a lot of our research involves the proliferation of Unchristian Sex Acts, or UCSAs. Our latest study shows that every day, over fifty-five million UCSAs occur in the United States alone.
FB: Wow! That's a lot!
JD: Now, our science-like studies also show a corresponding buildup in other Civilization-Destroying Trends: Adolescent Acts Of Masturbation, or AAOMs; Breakups Of Couples And Families, or BOCAFs; Instances Of Feminism And Evolutionary Biology In Education, or IFEBEs; and so on.
FB: All of these have scary acronyms!
JD: And all of these are on the rise, Fafnir, correlating with the rise of UCSAs - UCSAs such as homosexuality. Homosexuality - which is now being spread through the very heart of marriage itself.
FB: Oh no! But I thought gay people were good and deserved marriage licenses!
JD: That's probably because of your treacherous liberal education. It's brainwashed you into thinking that there is no right and wrong, that everyone deserves equal rights, and that the fossil record accurately represents the geological and biological history of the earth. If our society continues to slide down this slippery slope of moral relativism, it will mean the end of Western Civilization.
FB: Oh no! Not Western Civilization! That's where all my friends live!
JD: And without Western Civilization, the dark forces of Satanism, terrorism, feminism, and internationalism will devour all that's good in the world and allow the Antichrist to set up his one-world kingdom.
FB: Wow. This is pretty devastating stuff Dr. Dobson. And it can't be wrong or crazy 'cause you're a doctor!
JD: That's right, Fafnir. I am a doctor.
Thank you for the interview Dr. James Dobson! Tomorrow we will talk with Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, who is takin time out from his busy schedule just for us. How do we do it?
posted by fafnir at 5:59 PM
Giblets spent much of the weekend absorbing media. This can be dangerous because it involves many dangerous hours with nothing but television and the internet before my delicate prying eyes and indeed at one point I almost imploded when the tube connecting my mouth to my feeding bag got switched from the "FEED" to the "SUCK" position (DO NOT LAUGH! Marshall McLuhan died that way!)
Anyway after a weekend of nothing but television Giblets is not as happy and bouncy as he would have anticipated. In fact Giblets is ENRAGED.
Look at this Anthony Zinni thing. General Anthony Zinni, former CENTCOM commander, is writing an insider's account bashing the Bush Administration's handling of Iraq and the war on terror. At this rate the only ones making it out of this administration without a book deal will be George Bush and Giblets. Well I will not stand for it! Giblets will sell his story of insider debauchery and disillusionment to the highest bidder. In it I will reveal that the Iraq War was concocted in the middle of a homoerotic mud-wrestling match between Dick Cheney, Prince Bandar, and an oil tanker!
And another thing! After a full week of gay marriages not only has the nuclear family not collapsed but no gay people have proposed to Giblets! Not that Giblets is gay but come on! Behold Giblets, resplendant in all his finery! I am pretty damn hot is what I am saying. People from all genders should be lining up to beg to marry Giblets! What is wrong with you gay people! Decades if not centuries of gay rights have lead up to this moment! I am damn near ready to condemn gay marriage as an abomination before God and Jesus again.
Finally, Giblets is angry because war just isn't what it used to be. Used to be you'd settle into a good solid quagmire, get your toes all comfortable and squishy in there, and even with a monster draft and a hideous body count you could be in there years before the public really got sick of it. Now just a year into a nightmarishly ill-conceived slog of an Asian land war America is losing its stomach for nightmarishly ill-conceived slogs of Asian land wars. This isn't the historically-myopic America I know and love! Where is the determination? Where is the suicidal obstinacy? Giblets can only pray it returns in force before November.
Giblets is angry.
posted by Giblets at 2:02 PM
Last night the president got up on TV and explained a new five-step plan to guide Iraq to sovereignty and stability. Wow - five whole steps! But what is the plan and what will it mean for Iraq and the US? Fafblog, your number one source of news and information when it isn't takin four or five day weekends, is on the case with a handy FAQ:
Q: What are the new five steps?
A: They are: 1. Handing over authority to a sovereign Iraqi government. 2. Establishing security. 3. Continuing to rebuild Iraq's infrastructure. 4. Moving toward a national election in Iraq.
Q: Those are good steps!
A: We are glad you like them.
Q: How are they different from the old five steps?
A: They are the same as the old five steps, but they have the newly-added quality of newness.
Q: But -
A: We are staying the course.
Q: How sovereign will the new sovereign Iraq government be?
A: It will be so sovereign. You have never seen anything as sovereign as this new sovereign Iraqi government!
Q: Does the UN draft resolution prepared by the US give Iraq full sovereignty?
Q: Does it give the Iraqi government the power to ask foreign troops to leave or to overrule military missions?
A: No. We are staying the course, whether they want us to or not.
Q: How will security be established?
A: Quickly, and with the aid and cooperation of the Iraqi people.
Q: Wow, that sounds like a great idea, it makes me wonder why we didn't think of it before!
A: We did, but back then, that idea was an old idea. Now it sparkles with the sheen of the New. Its ridges are hard and bold and striking. Its curves are supple and smooth and inviting. It bounces with the ebullient step of youth, fresh to the world like a newborn babe.
Q: That is very impressive. How did you do that?
A: We believe qualia are involved. We are also going to destroy Abu Ghraib prison.
Q: Good. It is about time that building paid for all the torture and rapes it has committed.
A: And then we will build another, better, brighter prison. There is always room for improvement when staying the course.
Q: We are now going to continue to rebuild Iraq's infrastructure?
A: Indeed. This was a very controversial decision - many thought that leaving it to fall into decay and entropy would be the best way to lead Iraq on the road to stability. But we decided to think outside the box, as it were, and rebuild the country.
Q: When will national elections be?
A: In January. Maybe sooner.
Q: Sooner? Are we not staying the course?
A: Don't get crazy here! We are still staying the course, my friend.
Q: Are we staying the course?
A: Yes we are! We are staying the course. Our coursefulness remains steady and firm. Staid, even.
Q: That's good, staying the course.
A: We have not left the course. We could not leave the course.
Q: Okay, that's great.
A: It hurts to be away from the course. It hurts like a scornful lover.
A: It hurts. So. Much.
posted by fafnir at 9:22 AM