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Sunday, June 6, 2004
So Belle Waring has asked an interestin question which happens to be "Blah blah cheesecake blah? Blah cheesecake pie blah blah." Many pie scholars have debated the role of the cheesecake for some time now and it is long past time that we here at Fafblog confronted this thorny and controversial issue.
 Look at this cheesecake. It is tasty and delicious. It is oozing with goopy fruit. Its crust is strong but yielding. Its filling is firm but succulent. One bite and we say "Is this not a pie?""No!" say the bearded city fathers and protectors of tradition. They point to its crumbliness and its lack of a top crust and they say this is no pie, if we let this be a pie we could let anything be a pie, we could let cakes and sandwiches and horses be pies, and a horse pie is undecent and violates the law of pie. But such strict pie constructionists are so wound up in the law of pie that they have forgotten what it means to be a pie. Look to the cheesecake. Poke it, does it not yield tasty filling? Prick it, does it not bleed sweet fruit? Eat it, is it not delicious? The spirit of pie is a warm and welcoming one. It envelopes all within its toasty flaky crust. And so it welcomes the cheesecake within itself - as should we all. As should we all. PS - Happy late birthday to Belle Waring! May it be (or have been) as warm and welcoming as a pie. Happy birthday also to Laura, whose birthday was on the same day. We didn't give Laura nothin. We are sorry Laura! We are hopelessly oblivious Fafnirs and Gibletses. Please forgive us. Labels: pie
posted by fafnir at 6:57 PM
"Ready to fight the Germans Giblets," I says to Giblets.
"Oh you better believe it," says Giblets. "Oh those Germans better get ready for Fafnir and Giblets," I says. "For ol Faf and Gibs of the 171st armored balloon division," says Giblets. "And a proud balloon she is," I says. "The Germans won't know she is coming," says Giblets. "Unless they look up above the horizon," I says. "Which seems unlikely because how often do Germans do that," says Giblets. "Once a month to coincide with the full moon, or during matin rituals, I read," I says. "A strange people those Germans," says Giblets. "Wait do those Germans have guns?" I says. "Holy crap nobody said anythin about guns!" says Giblets. "What are they doing with guns! They could hurt people or even pop our balloon!" I says. "Run away!" says Giblets and we did. We spent the rest of the war posin as cabaret singers in a French production of "No No Nanette." It ran for three years to terrific reviews!
posted by fafnir at 10:17 AM
On Saturday afternoon, Ronald Wilson Reagan ascended bodily into heaven. Long may he be remembered, for single-handedly destroying the Soviet Union as it was poised to conquer the free world; for rising up in the form of a winged dragon and breathing the pestilence of AIDS forth upon the American continent; for his courage in providing arms to the people of Iraq, Iran, and Central America to defend themselves against the dark threats lurking in Iraq, Iran, and Central America; for his stunning tax reforms, which made jewel-bedecked sultans of the poorest paupers in the land; for his recklessly and disastrously bringing the world to the brink of global nuclear annihilation while following the dark whims of Biblical prophecy and astrological portents; and most of all, for coming to represent all our preconceptions of what America should and shouldn't be.
Was Ronald Reagan the best president? No, nor was he the worst. But the important thing is that now, long after his passing, he can be idealized, transformed and transfigured by time and ideology into a symbol of everything we desire or loathe in America, so that Ronald Reagan the man is utterly erased and replaced with Ronald Reagan the Icon, a convenient projection of our most feverish motivations in animatronic Hall-of-Presidents form. When we keep our leaders larger than life, they become larger than our ability to rationally discuss them. We apply wondrous sobriquets, classifying the giants of the Oval Office with Catholic precision, making saints and Mysteries of men. Who can question the fighting spirit of the Happy Warrior, or the resilience of the Comeback Kid? The very invocation of their names becomes a sacrament or blasphemy, and as long as we keep their memories blown wildly out of proportion, we'll never have to confront them. And how much more comfortable that is for us. The danger of Reagan the man, after all, is that we might learn from him. The man was real - a flesh and blood president whose triumphs and failings might lead us to question our own preconceptions. Reagan the Icon exists only in our mind, a creature of our prejudices and ideologies - a figure from unhistory who threatens to teach us nothing.
posted by Medium Lobster at 3:29 AM
Friday, June 4, 2004
Giblets has finally seen The Day After Tomorrow, and he has to say, boy, am I relieved! Giblets was worried that this "global warming" thing might be real for a while there but clearly it is some sensationalistic crazy Hollywood thing, like UFOs, Bigfoot, and the Holocaust.
Polar ice caps melting? New York City slowly falling under an interminably rising tide? Giblets does not think so! Not when the CG effects on those giant tornados are so obvious. Giblets does not believe in the future extinction of thousands of plants and animal species, any more than he believes that Dennis Quaid can walk a glacier in a blizzard for two days and live! So out with the coal and greenhouse gases! Giblets has fossil fuels to burn and internal combustion engines to run in a consequence-free environment! Two percent of climatologists can't be wrong!
posted by Giblets at 5:37 PM
Yknow just when I was gettin down on this whole "war of choice turned into horribly failed state" thing, it is nice to see a new perspective that can cheer me up. Thinking man's blogger Andrew Sullivan astutely points out that the military in Iraq see the takeover of Fallujah by crazy fundamentalists as a positive thing:
Since we have stayed out of Falluja and focused elsewhere, the mujahadeen have had their run of the town. As they have had no one to fight, they have turned their criminal instincts on the citizens...Andrew Sullivan says "Because of men like this - and my gut belief that people anywhere will choose freedom over slavery, given a real chance - I'm still a proud supporter of this war and an optimist about its future." Wow - leavin Iraqis to themselves to figure out Iraq! That really is an inspirin way to look at a justification for invasion, Andrew Sullivan. I too am still a proud supporter of this war. Wait.
posted by fafnir at 4:17 PM
Well I am back early from writin my novel. I had to come back early for many reasons not the least of which has been the sudden incapacitation of Giblets who is lyin bloated and pained in the livin room after drinking six gallons of V8. Oh Giblets! Cant I leave you alone for just one day? "Do not look at me," Giblets moans sadly. "I was once like you."
But Giblets is not the only one who is in pain. So is my novel, an so is Ahmed Chalabi, a fine gentleman of Iraqi con man descent whom I have known and trusted for some time now. I first met Mr Chalabi yesterday when I began work on my thousand-chapter-long whaling epic, "The Salt and the Crashing and the Salt: An Ode to the Sea." Ahmed offered to be my literary agent an said he could get me a great distribution deal in Iraq. "Do you really think Iraqis will like my whaling epic Ahmed?" I asked Ahmed. "Yes, it will be easy," said Ahmed, "And it will be greeted as a best-seller." Ahmed's fee of $355,000 a month was a little steep but Ahmed knew all these great connections that would get my book to sell so it was really worth it! Chris kept sayin "No don't trust him he steals money from banks" but Chris is just a pro-Baathist lackey. Plus he is just jealous of my awesome whaling epic. But when the books hit the shelves yesterday afternoon they were met with a lot of skepticism and resistance. I just don't understand it! Ahmed told me Iraqis love whaling books. And now I hear he is under suspicion for plagiarizing my book and giving it to the Iranians! I was crushed until Christopher Hitchens explained it all to me last night over a couple bottles of wine. Now I feel a lot better. But what if with all our investigating Ahmed Chalabi for spying, and for stealing stuff, and lying to people, we hurt his feelings? What if we have driven him away in our foolish foolish pride? Ahmed come back! We cant succeed in our critical whaling-epic project without you! Come back, Ahmed! Come back!
posted by fafnir at 2:50 PM
Thursday, June 3, 2004
Giblets is angry! But why is Giblets angry? Is he really mad at all those things outside himself in the world, like hippies and bugs and lack of riches and babies? Or is he mad at something else? Maybe he is mad at something inside. Maybe he is mad at something somehow within Giblets, something that has picked at him sadly ever since he was a little Giblets.
Maybe all Giblets wants is to love and to be loved. Maybe Giblets needs to learn to love himself. Maybe the only one Giblets really wants to bow before Giblets... is Giblets. Bah! Wistfulness makes Giblets angry! A thousand poxes upon you all for watching Giblets's wistfulness! Martial law is imposed! Tariffs and taxes on everything! All fruit is banned! Giblets is angry! So, so angry!
posted by Giblets at 11:06 PM
Giblets is angry! There is a bug here on the carpet and Giblets has been trying to squash it and it keeps getting back up! This bug defies death! What unholy force animates you, bug? What dark power moves your undead bug-limbs? Your continued existence makes Giblets so angry!
Why must bugs exist? Earlier today I was spraying all the bugs on my porch with bugspray but they just keep coming! I have run out of bugspray and need to buy more! Fafnir says "Oh the bugspray is bad for the environment" oh well excuse me environment but you made bugs and you enrage Giblets! The environment has made Giblets angry! I hope you get climate change and die! And the heat! And the itching! And the noise! And the silence! And the light! And the sun! And rain! And fibers and plastics and infants and moving things and air!
posted by Giblets at 10:23 PM
Giblets is angry! Where is his monkey? Not the dancing monkey or the juggling monkey, the violin-playing monkey! Its violin is right here and it should have a monkey attatched to it! Giblets paid good money for that monkey and he will be entertained by it if it is the last thing that monkey does! Bring him that monkey!
And another thing - where is my cocoa? Yes Giblets has a mug of cocoa right here but this is Nesquick cocoa, not Swiss Miss cocoa! Giblets will only drink Swiss Miss cocoa, and then only Swiss Miss French Chocolate cocoa. You are trying to pawn off your cheap crappy knock-off cocoa onto Giblets! Giblets will not stand for it! Bring me my cocoa! And where are my slaves? Thirteenth Amendment nothing, Giblets demands slaves! Slaves and concubines for Giblets! This is like the sixth or seventh time this week I have asked for slaves and monkeys and concubines and they have been tardy in their arrival! Giblets will tolerate this no longer! Bring Giblets his slaves! After all Giblets has done for you there is not much Giblets asks for in return, and that is a monkey. And cocoa and slaves and concubines. And drugs. And a conscripted army to fling to war at my bidding. A monkey and cocoa and slaves and concubines and drugs and a conscripted army to fling to war at my bidding. And he cannot even get that! Bring me my monkey! Bring me my monkey now!
posted by Giblets at 9:47 PM
Not only has John Kerry issued a swift and strong response to the booting of George Tenet, but he prominently displayed the link to it on his website in what appears to be 6-point-font under the "News" tab in the upper-right-hand corner. Giblets may not like John Kerry, but he must grudgingly appreciate the slick campaign style and bold positions on foreign policy that have helped him energize the base and justify his clean sweep in the Democratic primaries.
Giblets was also blown away by Kerry's latest ad in which he proposes to build a stronger, bolder foreign policy made entirely of smiling, grizzled veterans and starry-eyed blonde children. Very intriguing, Senator! Giblets presumes they are to be fed as fuel into some brilliantly-conceived veteran-and-child-powered foreign policy engine? Keep up with ideas like this and Giblets would almost consider voting for you - if Giblets believed in voting.
posted by Giblets at 9:00 PM
Giblets is angry! Giblets is outraged at the firing at George Tenet! Personal reasons, Giblets's magnificent ass! And Giblets and his ass are apalled at the firing of George Tenet - an indeed strong and superb and resolute and kind-of-servant-you-like-to-work-with Director of Central Intelligence! More importantly, he was OUR Director of Central Intelligence, the SAME Director of Central Intelligence, and by changing leaders now we have sent our country's leadership into unsteady waters.
What this country needs is steady leadership in times of change. Not intelligent leadership, not correct leadership, but steady leadership. Steadiness. Resolve. The resolve to keep doing what you are already doing, even if it is hopelessly boneheaded and wrong. In the face of such resolve, the terrorists will be cowed, fleeing into their terrorist hidey-holes, terrified by the tenacity of an opponent so fiercely determined to keep losing to them in the exact same way. But if we fire incompetant officials, we are not using steady leadership. We are attempting to "correct" our leadership. We are not staying the course. We are suggesting that there is some better course. Well Giblets for one is quite happy with this course! He knows it quite well and if it happens to veer into that ravine, he will be the first to inform you that his course is getting us to the bottom of the ravine swifter and surer than any other course out there! What's your problem? Are you a ravine-hater? Are you objectively anti-ravine? Giblets would also like to remind everyone who is gloating over the dismissal of the strong, resolute, and strong Director Tenet that this dismissal is most likely being celebrated by our terrorist enemies. Now that they know that things like terrorist attacks and guerilla bombings and wildly inaccurate prewar intelligence can bring down one of our nation's top terror-fighters, they will now act with more fervor against America, in an attempt to control the selection of our appointed officials. The firing of an inept cabinet official is a firing for terror.
posted by Giblets at 6:12 PM
Giblets is angry! He is angered by cartoonish caricatures of "evil corporations" as oil-swilling people-crushing money-slurping soulless monsters who squeeze little old grandmas and eat the bones of the working man for breakfast. That is crazy left-wing Chomskyite talk which has no place in our sensible new world. So you can see how Giblets was outraged by the tapes released this week of Enron employees-slash-gangstas engineering the California energy crisis:
"He just f---s California," says one Enron employee. "He steals money from California to the tune of about a million."Add to that the internal Pentagon email that suggests that Halliburton's Iraq contract was "coordinated" with Dick Cheney's office and it is becoming clear that Reality itself is becoming some kind of crazed commie. I mean, the Vice President pulling strings to get his oil buddies contracts for postwar reconstruction AND a giant energy conglomerate deliberately sabotaging a state's economy just to get richer? Come on, Universe. Giblets did not believe these kinds of paranoid fantasies when they were coming from Ralph Nader and he does not believe them coming from you. It just pisses Giblets off that God and Truth have become flaming socialists. But it figures - it's what they're teaching 'em at those lefty schools these days.
posted by Giblets at 3:15 PM
"Gibleeeeets," Fafnir says to me this morning "I need you to take over the Faaaaaafblooooog."
"I will do it!" says me, Giblets. "It is mine! It is Giblets's! It is Giblog!" "I must work on my one-thousand-chapter-long whaling epic, 'The Salt and the Crashing and the Salt: An Ode to the Sea,'" says Fafnir. "It is mine!" says me, Giblets. "It is all mine! Every word and letter and syllable! Every hyperlink and punctuation mark! Every comment is Giblets's!" "It is about whales and whaling and the sea," says Fafnir. "The first half is narrated by the whale. The second half is narrated by the sea. The third half is narrated by a Falknerian idiot man-child." "Nothing will ever wrest it away from the mighty fist of Giblets!" says Giblets. "No power on earth or in heaven! No fire or scourge of the gods! All will be laid low by my Gibletsian blogocracy!" "The character of the sea talks entirely in capitals," says Fafnir, "and in big 'WHOOSH' noises." "Bow before Giblets, Fafblog!" says Giblets. "Bow before Giblets FOREVER!" "WHOOSH," says Fafnir. "WHOOSH."
posted by Giblets at 11:46 AM
Wednesday, June 2, 2004
Some an Giblets were playin our newest favorite game "Grapefruits and Keyboards" when suddenly and for no particular reason the keyboard stopped working.
"Huh," says me. "You think grapefruits are bad for keyboards?" "Impossible!" says Giblets. "Grapefruits are good for everyone! Think of the vitamin C." "Very true," says me. "We should put more grapefruit on it an see if it gets any better." So naturally we spent the next hour or so poundin grapefruits into the thing but it was funny! After a while the keyboard got even more broken and a loud regular beeping started comin out of the computer! "Oh no!" says me. "It is a bomb, in our very own PC!" "It is the terrorists!" says Giblets. "And you doubted the efficacy of the Terror Alert System!" "I'm sorry Tom Ridge!" says me. "Take pity on this poor penitent Fafnir!" "Run away!" says Giblets, and we do, into the Outside. So there we are for most of Sunday and all of Monday, sittin Outside, waitin for Chris to get back an fix our keyboard and defuse the bomb. "But who will Fafblog?" says me. "Maybe the Medium Lobster can do it," says Giblets. "The Medium Lobster is busy, at the symposium," says me. "At the symposium of higher beings." "I wish we could goto the symposium of higher beings," says Giblets. "But we cannot," says me, "because we are lesser beings." And we sigh. Later we get hungry and order a pizza but when it comes we do not have enough money and can only afford the garlic stix.
posted by fafnir at 3:06 PM
Saturday, May 29, 2004
AN ENORMOUS PUMPKIN is one of America’s most renowned and influential public figures. Its latest book, already a New York Times bestseller, is available everywhere.
FAFBLOG: Wow. It is an incredible pleasure to meet you, enormous pumpkin! AN ENORMOUS PUMPKIN: Indeed it is! I am quite enormous! FB: You certainly are! Ha ha ha! AEP: Quite an astonishingly large member of the gourd family! FB: Indeed! Now, enormous pumpkin, first off let me ask you the question I know everyone has been askin you. AEP: Ho ho! Here it comes! FB: Will you be John Kerry's vice presidential candidate if he asks you to? AEP: Ha ha ha! Fafnir well of course I would be greatly honored to be even considered, but I can't think about those kinds of things right now, what with all my duties as an enormous pumpkin! FB: Well yknow I had to try! AEP: Oh, I know you did. After all, who wouldn't, seeing what an incredibly large pumpkin I am! FB: You are incredibly large! AEP: I weigh over 1400 pounds! FB: That's so many pounds! AEP: It really is! FB: Now I understand you are deliverin an address at the World War II memorial this Monday. AEP: That's true. It's a great honor, even for such a huge pumpkin. FB: Can you tell us what it'll sound like? AEP: Mostly silence, with some rooty settling noises, seeing that, as a pumpkin, I am incapable of speech. FB: That's very appropriate and thoughtful. AEP: I certainly thought so. FB: I also hear you have a book comin out! AEP: Yes! It has no title or words and the binding is pulverized after having been rolled over by my enormous bulk! FB: You are very, very enormous! AEP: I have a diameter in excess of twenty feet! FB: Thank you for talking with us, enormous pumpkin. AEP: The pleasure was all mine. Thank you all for bein a part of Fafblog Interview Week! Our next theme week will be Hitting Giblets With A Spoon Week in which every post for a week will be a sound file of Giblets bein hit by someone with a spoon. "Ow," says Giblets. Labels: interviews
posted by fafnir at 11:59 PM
The Pope has called American life "soulless" and says there is a crisis of spirituality in our country. First, Giblets has this to say: shut up, Pope! No one is the boss of Giblets! Why are you not dead yet? Stupid old smelly old Pope! You smell!
Also: the Pope is right. By accident! Giblets happens to agree with the Pope. America what is wrong with you? You need to be more spiritual, like Giblets. Giblets is so spiritual! Behold Giblets at the mall. Giblets connects with the souls and spirits of all things. "Buy me, Giblets!" they shout out to him. "Buy us, we are so pretty and shiny and new!" And Giblets reaches out to comfort and protect them, like a apirit-earth-mother-Giblets to its child. Look at this windup monkey! And this ice cream cone! And these imitation pants! And this toothpaste! And this plastic! Their souls sing to Giblets, and his soul flows out to them, in the form of dollars, and they flow back to him, in the form of stuff. Tomorrow they will break, and or he will tire of them, and Giblets will throw them out, and their souls will depart and flow afresh into the continuum of stuff, and the cycle begins anew. It is so beautiful. It is so Life. Giblets would cry now but that would make Giblets look gay. Flow with stuff, America. Embrace your spirit-selves. Be.
posted by Giblets at 10:15 PM
Recently a few distressed voices in the wilderness have been raised in alarm at the newest, darkest, and most dangerous threat to America's success in the war on terror: the media. Morton Kondracke recently pointed out that the media "is in danger of talking the United States into defeat in Iraq. And the results would be catastrophic." He goes on to pin the West's Iraq problems squarely where they belong: on the media's fixation with the Abu Ghraib scandal. How astute, Mr Kondracke! For it was in fact the press's obsession with military torture that allowed the the Shiite and Sunni insurgencies to claim whole cities from the American occupation.
But what to do about this pernicious enemy within? Analytical wunderkind and concerned lover of law Glenn Reynolds muses, "Freedom of the press, as it exists today (and didn't exist, really, until the 1960s) is unlikely to survive if a majority -- or even a large and angry minority -- of Americans comes to conclude that the press is untrustworthy and unpatriotic." Quite true, Professor Reynolds. And America will likely need that angry minority if we're to inforce patriotism on our press, and end the nightmarish salvo of information and journalism that threatens to cripple the war effort. For this is not merely a war for freedom. Indeed, it is also a war against freedom - specifically, that freedom which seeks to destroy freedom. These concepts may be too complex and nuanced for the unsophisticated or Democrats to fully grasp, but the Medium Lobster will endeavor to explain. A free-loving society must protect not only its freedoms, but the society which enables those freedoms to be protected, for if that society was to be destroyed, then all freedoms would disappear. In order for freedom to persist, we must outlaw the freedom to destroy or damage society. Thus, freedom cries out for us to destroy those freedoms which would destroy freedom, such as murder, genocide, violent revolution, sedition, criticism of good wars, publication of disheartening news regarding those wars, criticism of the Commander In Chief during wartime, the teaching of seditious literature, obscenity, Many will still not grasp the importance of this, and will continue to read fifth column columns such as The New York Times, The Washington Post, and The New Yorker. The Medium Lobster would caution that those who do so only give aid and comfort to the forces of anti-freedom freedom.
posted by Medium Lobster at 8:46 PM
JESUS CHRIST is the author of a number of popular self-help books and recipe collections. He lives in Berkeley with his wife and their three children.
FAFBLOG: This is a really delicious corndog Jesus. JESUS CHRIST: Yeah, I like corndogs. FB: Y'know I heard that in California they have these corndog stands where they will make a corndog for you right there, fresh on a stick, and it is a fresh corndog, and it is the most delicious thing in the world? JC: That's gotta be a damn tasty corndog. FB: It is the Shangri-la of all corndogs. Now Jesus what do You think about gay marriage? JC: In my time I was strongly opposed to the practice of divorce. Divorce is rampant in America between heterosexual couples. I don't understand how barring more couples from marrying is "defending" marriage. FB: That sounds kinda squishy Jesus. JC: Maybe it is. FB: Intelligent Design is the latest hippest craze sweepin our schools. Should we replace teachin natural selection with Intelligent Design, or teach them both next to each other? JC: I think natural selection itself seems like a pretty intelligent design. FB: You are not givin me a lot of red meat here Jesus. JC: I'm sorry. FB: You would never make it on Hardball is all I'm sayin. Jesus who do You like in the next election? JC: I really don't like giving political endorsements, Fafnir. FB: C'mooooon Jesus! I wanna know who God wants me to voooooote for! JC: I'd rather not. I'm actually a big supporter of the separation of church and state. Give unto Caesar that which is Caesar's, and give unto God that which is God's. FB: Does that which is God's include a preference for John Kerry's veep pick? JC: No. FB: Awwwww. JC: Y'know, Fafnir, a lot of people really got the wrong idea about me when I came here. They thought I was all about gaining temporal power, about building a kingdom on earth. But it was the devil who offered me the opportunity to rule the world, and I turned that down. I told my followers that I wasn't there to build an empire, but even after I died they fought wars to expand empires that ruled in my name. FB: So what is Your position on the Iraq war Jesus? Does the Holy Spirit have an exit strategy? JC: I think you're missing the point. Acquiring earthly power for the sake of the church, making laws in my name - it's the last thing I want. I told them my kingdom was not of this world. FB: Is it on the moon? JC: It's - FB: 'Cause we're goin to the moon again Jesus! JC: [sighs] FB: It'll be awesome! JC: Yes, Fafnir. My kingdom is on the moon. FB: That's so great! Jesus and the moon, together at last. Are there robots in the kingdom of heaven, Jesus? JC: Sure. Why not. Labels: interviews
posted by fafnir at 4:46 AM
Friday, May 28, 2004
So I have just learned from CNN that Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge an Attorney General John Ashcroft have released a joint statement clearin up their previous disagreements about the new terror alert. Huh! I woulda figured they'd of figured out these terror alert dealies together before they announce em, but I am not the terror expert here. Neither is Giblets.
"The homeland is safer," says Giblets. "I have just shot a terrorist." "Giblets what are you doin shooting terrorists!" says me. "You are banned from the use of firearms in twelve states." "Gun laws are insolent," says Giblets. "When guns are outlawed only the outlaws will get to shoot terrorists." "That was not a terrorist!" says me. "That was James McNew of Yo La Tengo!" "Are you sure?" says Giblets. "I was pretty certain he was the long-haired white guy from the FBI release." "You have not killed an enemy of freedom," says me. "You have just killed the pulsin basswork behind America's premiere noise-pop band." "Eh," says Giblets. "They lost me with 'Summer Sun' anyway." Well we are gonna be busy for most of the evening buryin James McNew in our backyard (please do not tell anyone we killed James McNew readers. Lets just keep this between us). We will see all of you later. Giblets says to hide outside in the bushes and stab anything that moves til this blows over.
posted by fafnir at 6:46 PM
Two of my favorite bloggers, chili dog magnate Kevin Drum and misunderstood comic book dictator Von, have an argument goin about troop levels in Iraq and whether more troops and better planning could have helped salvage the war. Its a very good read, and Von is very right about the religion and money part (The main problem with peace is gettin people fat and happy. All things being equal people would rather stay fat and happy than be starving, miserable, and at righteous war with the enemies of God).
The part that gets me angry is about troops. Everybody says we need more troops and we in fact do not have any more troops. Everybody hates the draft so that is right out. So what are we left with? Easy - cloning! Why are we not cloning our troops to create a vast army of super experienced clone troops? Because of pressure from Republicans and Democrats to ban human cloning! For shame, Republicans and Democrats! I wept when I learned I could not have a tiny miniature T. Rex all my own. I wept when I learned I could not have, say, fifty or sixty other Fafnirs to stock our next beach party. And I weep now for our national security. Your backwards superstitious ways have wounded America once again.
posted by fafnir at 12:12 PM
Only he could make the "Washingtonienne" thing, the kitchen-sized sex scandal that's hot as week-old lard and twice as sexy, cool again. Yes, Giblets is a closet free speech law nerd.
posted by Giblets at 11:46 AM
Thursday, May 27, 2004
Fafblog Interview Week continues with an interview of Osama bin Laden. We have actually managed to interview him from deep in his secret lair somewhere along the Afghanistan-Pakistan border. Fafblog scoops Russert yet again!
FAFBLOG: So Osama bin Laden, how's evil doin? OSAMA BIN LADEN: MWAHAHAHAHA! Oh, evil stands ready to triumph over good, little Fafnir! FB: Oh I do not believe that Osama bin Laden! Good will always triumph over evil. OBL: Not THIS time! This time I'm hatching my most diabolical scheme ever - my plot to elect JOHN KERRY president! FB: Oh no! OBL: Oh yes! I'm going to attack the United States in the next few months, forcing Americans to vote for Democrats! And nothing can stop me! [singing] Whatever O-sama wants... O-sama gets... FB: But why, Osama bin Laden? Why? OBL: Because of free trade. Free trade, affirmative action, abortion rights, equal marriage rights for gays, universal health care. Especially universal health care! Allah demands that martyr-blood flow in rivers through the infidel streets of America until the West has universal health care! FB: I had no idea you were such a policy wonk Osama bin Laden. OBL: For it is written, "Did not Truman put universal health coverage for all godless Americans in the Democratic Party platform fifty years ago? Let the gates of jihad be opened until every man, woman, and child is fully insured." FB: Osama bin Laden you are insane! You have to know that universal health care is a crazy pipe dream, just like re-establishing the caliphate. OBL: But it is not just John Kerry's domestic policies we covet. Allah smiles upon his foreign policies as well. Al Qaeda desires the conflict in Iraq to be internationalized and more troops and a more efficient "police and intelligence operation" approach to be brought to the war on terror. Because once the infidel dogs of the West fight the warriors of Allah with a quicker, lighter, multilateral approach... then, ah, THEN will we truly be able to destroy you! FB: You will never get people to elect John Kerry, Osama bin Laden! OBL: Yes we will! First we will launch a new terrorist attack on the US, forcing Americans to vote for Kerry! Then just to be sure we will launch a MoveOn-style blitz of negative anti-Bush ads using money collected from our 527s, while sending Abu Musab al-Zarqawi to plug the Democrats on Meet the Press and Hardball! FB: Oh no! OBL: Oh yes! And by the time I speak at the Democratic National Convention in Boston, America's fate will be sealed! FB: You will never get away with this Osama bin Laden! OBL: I already have! MWA-HAHAHAHA! MWA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Well I could go on about my daring escape from Osama bin Laden's mountain fortress but that would take all night. And then I couldnt tell you about how tomorrow we have an interview with Jesus! Wow, how do we keep doin this? It is pretty amazin I can tell you that! Labels: interviews
posted by fafnir at 9:55 PM
"Should we help Chris with packing?" I says.
"If we help Chris with Chris's packing then we interfere with the delicate balance of nature," says Giblets. "Like the lion and the wildebeest." "Should we pack the wildebeest?" I says. "We only have room for the wildebeest or the juicer," says Giblets. "The juicer is a modern convenience." "But the wildebeest is beautiful, like a fine woman, or a painting of a tree," I says. "The juicer is beautiful in its own way," says Giblets. "It grazes in its fields," I says. "It frolics in its streams. It frolics." "The lion pounces on the juicer," says Giblets. "Its terrible claws sink deep," I says. "Oh no! The juicer screams for help!" "Run, juicer, run!" says Giblets. We scream for some time for Chris to pack the juicer before it is too late and the lion comes. Chris is irritable and confused. "We have saved the juicer," I says. "We have interfered with natural law," says Giblets. "There will be consequences," I says. "Tidal waves and ice ages and goats born with three heads," says Giblets. "But we will have a juicer in the new age," I says. "Yes," says Giblets, and we smile with satisfaction.
posted by fafnir at 7:02 PM
Last week the Medium Lobster warned readers of the dangers of a Kerry presidency. The Medium Lobster's warning, it appears, could not have been more timely, as the nightmare juggernaut that is the Kerry campaign has launched the Massachusetts liberal into a daunting three-point lead over George Bush in the latest Rasmussen Tracking Poll. One glance at the poll's history and it becomes clear that Kerry has cleverly used recent turmoil in Iraq and the President's sinking approval ratings to his advantage - by remaining all but invisible to the American electorate.
As Democratic strategists from Charles Krauthammer to elder statesman and master political guru Mickey Kaus have pointed out, Kerry has wisely opted to refrain from such disastrous tactical errors as "hitting Bush where he's weak," or "substantively critiquing foreign policy," or "offering a viable and coherent alternative." Instead, Kerry has cunningly chosen to sit back, relying on a handful of biographical ads and the unmistakable charismatic pull of his screen absence to draw in supporters. And that strategy could win Kerry the election - in a landslide. From his mantra-like delivery to the crisp, cynical packaging of his campaign theme - "Let America Be America Again" - Kerry is coldly exploiting America's rich history of Zen populism, planning to ride all the way to the White House on a wave of faltering invisibility. There is still hope, however - Kerry has begun embarking on an 11-day foreign policy tour, a mistake which could cripple his campaign by fatally reminding the voting public he exists. Treacherous tactitian that Kerry is, however, it is entirely possible that this will entirely consist of unremarkable speeches delivered to policy institutes which will go entirely unnoticed by anyone outside of CSPAN-2 - only clinching Kerry's grip on the battleground states. In which case America may be already lost.
posted by Medium Lobster at 5:58 PM
Wednesday, May 26, 2004
Fafblog Interview Week continues with our exclusive interview with Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld!
FAFBLOG: Great to have you here Donald Rumsfeld! Lets get right to it an start by askin: what is with this torture thing, and how long have you known about it? DONALD RUMSFELD: Good gosh, that's a tricky one there. Was it torture? Were detainees indefinitely held for days with bags over their heads? Yes. Were testicles electrocuted? You bet. Were orifices molested, flesh ripped by dogs, and nostils raped? Almost certainly. But torture? Hard to say. FB: Wow - that IS hard to say. DR: It sure is. FB: A recent article in the New Yorker says you approved extending a secret interrogation program that allowed torture tactics to spread to Iraq. Is that true? DR: My goodness me! Did the Pentagon implement a black ops interrogation program that greatly expanded what guards could do to prisoners? Maybe. Did I personally expand that program to low-level prisoners captured in Iraq? Possibly. Did this lead to the abuses at Abu Ghraib? Who can say? FB: It's almost like the more questions we ask the fewer answers we know! DR: The truth is a swirling miasma of shadow and fog, Fafnir. FB: Now Secretary Rumsfeld, there are a lot of people criticizing your handling of the war over things like the undermanning of the military, the not preparing for reconstruction, the letting crazy militias run whole cities. What is your response to those critics? DR: Well, jeepers, it's hard to say. It's easy for those people, in their press boxes and their ivory towers, to sit back and criticize without having to do the actual work of running the military. Now would another secretary of defense have done a better job, or do a better job? That question comes with a lot of unknowns. Some of those unknowns we know, and some of them we don't know. Do we have a metric for these known unknowns? Are there more unknown unknowns than known unknowns? Is that another unknown? We just don't know. FB: It's all so crazy we might as well just leave things as they are with you in charge! DR: If you say so. FB: Now we can't let you go without askin you about one more thing. Some people have been sayin you should resign lately... John Kerry, Nancy Pelosi, Tom Harkin, The Economist... DR: Now, I've accepted responsibility before and I'll accept responsibility again for everything done under my command. But I'll be damned... damned... if I let a few systemic, widespread, and grotesque atrocities reflect on the character and conviction of the high-ranking civilian and military brass who created the environment that fostered those atrocities. FB: ...The New York Times, The Army Times, The Seattle Times, The Washington Post almost, The Council for American-Islamic Relations... DR: And I'll caution those in the press that they should be very careful about the way they handle and release these stories and these pictures, because right now by piling on the United States they're providing ammunition, aid and comfort to the enemy. FB: ...Anthony Zinni, Al Gore, Richard Clarke, Wesley Clark... DR: Thanks for having me here. Tomorrow we will be interviewin Osama bin Laden, from his mysterious and undisclosed hiding-cave along the Pakistan-Afghanistan border! It is amazing, how are we gettin an interview with Osama bin Laden? Labels: interviews
posted by fafnir at 11:51 PM
In an attempt to correct a rare mistyping (can the Medium Lobster mistype?) resulting in the substitution of "jumped by" for "jumped to," the original post was consumed in its entirety by Blogger, a dark and fearsome transgalactic entity in its own right whose dark will and powers frequently find themselves at odds with my own. At any rate, the Medium Lobster invites all to attend to the International Institute for Strategic Studies, and most notably the Strategic Survey 2003/4 - the press launch for which is available in always-convenient PDF.
The Medium Lobster is certain you will all find it rich with the startling new information that the Iraq war has increased the likelihood of terrorism, that progress in Iraq has been hampered by a lack of troops and poor coordination between the occupation and the Iraqis, and that security problems continue to persist. This is all incredible news proving another startling victory in the war on terror, for reasons the Medium Lobster would explain once again, were he not so staggered with the exhaustion of a cosmic and metaphysical battle the likes of which your petty minds are too limited to conceive. The BBC comments on the report, quoting it to the effect that al Qaeda has been "spurred on" by the Iraq war, swelling its ranks to the current terrifying number of 18,000. CNN quotes it to indicate that in fact American forces have successfully reduced al Qaeda numbers to a mere 18,000. The Medium Lobster leaves you to ponder this press koan in solitude.
posted by Medium Lobster at 5:44 PM
 What is that rustic pie-figure jutting out over the plains? Who casts that rugged pie profile from the top of the hills?It is the people's pie. It is the pie of the blue-collar worker, the pie of the proletariat. It is the shepherd's pie. This is not a sweet pie, or a fancy pie. It's not a pie with a lot of your big words and highbrow book-learnin. All this pie knows is its mashed potatoes and its ground meatstuff and to protect its herd of sheep in the cold dark nights from the cold dark predators that wait in the shadows. It speaks in short, rugged words like "Uh-huh" an "Yep" and "Git along, sheep." It is an honest, simple pie, and we extoll its simplicities. It is taken to the big city and the fancy women where its simple rugged pieness is unique and different, and it is celebrated and embraced by the deacons of high culture. Symposiums are held and writers speak of the complex meaning of the shepherd's pie. Professors analyze it carefully and believe it to be made of part potato, part ground beef, part browned onion, and part redemption for the corrupt and cynical nature of the old metropolis. Everyone is excited about the shepherd's pie, until someone eats a bite and says "Wait, this is shepherd's pie?" and everyone else says "Ewww, gross" and it is left on the table to grow old and cold and forgotten with the leftovers. Oh shepherd's pie. Do not weep! Fafblog will always be here to love and eat you. You will always hold the heroic mashed potatoes of our heart. Labels: pie
posted by fafnir at 1:38 PM
Tuesday, May 25, 2004
Giblets has no patience for stories like this one:
Sources: Major terror attack possible this summerPossible targets include the Olympics in Greece, Fourth of July celebrations, and the Democratic and Republican national conventions. In other words, everything that's happening this summer. There is no plan to raise the terror threat level and "nothing... to indicate a specific threat or looming attack against New York City... Nor have we been advised that terrorists are known to be in the United States actively plotting such an attack." The US government wants you to be clueless and scared, just like they are. It's a bonding experience! From the sound of things the plan is to avoid any kind of metropolitan area and hide in the sticks until election day. Is that a safe and recommended course of action? No, because "security officials have expressed concern that so-called 'soft targets' such as passenger and freight trains could be vulnerable to attack in the United States." So getting on that train to Hayseed County makes you a moving target for al Qaeda. Usually in stories like this Giblets is told to "remain vigilant." What the hell is that supposed to mean? Am I supposed to go out on patrol? Jump across rooftops in a cape and cowl and scour the night for evildoers? All this intelligence is giving me a headache. Giblets is gonna sleep it off.
posted by Giblets at 11:36 PM
All this week - an by "all this week" we mean "Tuesday through when we feel like it" - Fafblog will be interviewin figures of weighty national and international import. This is just one more way that Fafblog brings you the hard-hittin news coverage. Today we interview Focus on the Family leader James Dobson.
FAFBLOG: So! How's the Family? JAMES DOBSON: The Family is in deadly danger, Fafnir. FB: Danger? Oh no! I like families! JD: Yes, danger from the homosexual agenda which has been trying for decades to destroy it. FB: I never knew homosexuals had an agenda! I just thought they were ordinary people who were easily stereotyped as lovers of musical theater. JD: So they and the gay-controlled Hollywood elite would have you believe. But the Forces of Gay are now closer than ever to destroying the divine institution of the civil marriage certificate, and with it, the family itself. FB: You must hate gay people then, since they're trying to destroy the family. JD: We don't hate gay people, Fafnir. We just want them to functionally cease to exist by having them suppress all their natural physical impulses and force themselves to marry and have sex with members of the opposite gender. FB: Wow. That's a very loving attitude to take Dr. Dobson. JD: Yes, it is. FB: Now Dr. Dobson you are also involved in the Family Research Council which I am lead to believe does highly scientific research on families. What kind of research do you do? JD: Well, Fafnir, a lot of our research involves the proliferation of Unchristian Sex Acts, or UCSAs. Our latest study shows that every day, over fifty-five million UCSAs occur in the United States alone. FB: Wow! That's a lot! JD: Now, our science-like studies also show a corresponding buildup in other Civilization-Destroying Trends: Adolescent Acts Of Masturbation, or AAOMs; Breakups Of Couples And Families, or BOCAFs; Instances Of Feminism And Evolutionary Biology In Education, or IFEBEs; and so on. FB: All of these have scary acronyms! JD: And all of these are on the rise, Fafnir, correlating with the rise of UCSAs - UCSAs such as homosexuality. Homosexuality - which is now being spread through the very heart of marriage itself. FB: Oh no! But I thought gay people were good and deserved marriage licenses! JD: That's probably because of your treacherous liberal education. It's brainwashed you into thinking that there is no right and wrong, that everyone deserves equal rights, and that the fossil record accurately represents the geological and biological history of the earth. If our society continues to slide down this slippery slope of moral relativism, it will mean the end of Western Civilization. FB: Oh no! Not Western Civilization! That's where all my friends live! JD: And without Western Civilization, the dark forces of Satanism, terrorism, feminism, and internationalism will devour all that's good in the world and allow the Antichrist to set up his one-world kingdom. FB: Wow. This is pretty devastating stuff Dr. Dobson. And it can't be wrong or crazy 'cause you're a doctor! JD: That's right, Fafnir. I am a doctor. Thank you for the interview Dr. James Dobson! Tomorrow we will talk with Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, who is takin time out from his busy schedule just for us. How do we do it?
posted by fafnir at 5:59 PM
Giblets spent much of the weekend absorbing media. This can be dangerous because it involves many dangerous hours with nothing but television and the internet before my delicate prying eyes and indeed at one point I almost imploded when the tube connecting my mouth to my feeding bag got switched from the "FEED" to the "SUCK" position (DO NOT LAUGH! Marshall McLuhan died that way!)
Anyway after a weekend of nothing but television Giblets is not as happy and bouncy as he would have anticipated. In fact Giblets is ENRAGED. Look at this Anthony Zinni thing. General Anthony Zinni, former CENTCOM commander, is writing an insider's account bashing the Bush Administration's handling of Iraq and the war on terror. At this rate the only ones making it out of this administration without a book deal will be George Bush and Giblets. Well I will not stand for it! Giblets will sell his story of insider debauchery and disillusionment to the highest bidder. In it I will reveal that the Iraq War was concocted in the middle of a homoerotic mud-wrestling match between Dick Cheney, Prince Bandar, and an oil tanker! And another thing! After a full week of gay marriages not only has the nuclear family not collapsed but no gay people have proposed to Giblets! Not that Giblets is gay but come on! Behold Giblets, resplendant in all his finery! I am pretty damn hot is what I am saying. People from all genders should be lining up to beg to marry Giblets! What is wrong with you gay people! Decades if not centuries of gay rights have lead up to this moment! I am damn near ready to condemn gay marriage as an abomination before God and Jesus again. Finally, Giblets is angry because war just isn't what it used to be. Used to be you'd settle into a good solid quagmire, get your toes all comfortable and squishy in there, and even with a monster draft and a hideous body count you could be in there years before the public really got sick of it. Now just a year into a nightmarishly ill-conceived slog of an Asian land war America is losing its stomach for nightmarishly ill-conceived slogs of Asian land wars. This isn't the historically-myopic America I know and love! Where is the determination? Where is the suicidal obstinacy? Giblets can only pray it returns in force before November. Giblets is angry.
posted by Giblets at 2:02 PM
Last night the president got up on TV and explained a new five-step plan to guide Iraq to sovereignty and stability. Wow - five whole steps! But what is the plan and what will it mean for Iraq and the US? Fafblog, your number one source of news and information when it isn't takin four or five day weekends, is on the case with a handy FAQ:
Q: What are the new five steps? A: They are: 1. Handing over authority to a sovereign Iraqi government. 2. Establishing security. 3. Continuing to rebuild Iraq's infrastructure. 4. Moving toward a national election in Iraq. Q: Those are good steps! A: We are glad you like them. Q: How are they different from the old five steps? A: They are the same as the old five steps, but they have the newly-added quality of newness. Q: But - A: We are staying the course. Q: How sovereign will the new sovereign Iraq government be? A: It will be so sovereign. You have never seen anything as sovereign as this new sovereign Iraqi government! Q: Does the UN draft resolution prepared by the US give Iraq full sovereignty? A: No. Q: Does it give the Iraqi government the power to ask foreign troops to leave or to overrule military missions? A: No. We are staying the course, whether they want us to or not. Q: How will security be established? A: Quickly, and with the aid and cooperation of the Iraqi people. Q: Wow, that sounds like a great idea, it makes me wonder why we didn't think of it before! A: We did, but back then, that idea was an old idea. Now it sparkles with the sheen of the New. Its ridges are hard and bold and striking. Its curves are supple and smooth and inviting. It bounces with the ebullient step of youth, fresh to the world like a newborn babe. Q: That is very impressive. How did you do that? A: We believe qualia are involved. We are also going to destroy Abu Ghraib prison. Q: Good. It is about time that building paid for all the torture and rapes it has committed. A: And then we will build another, better, brighter prison. There is always room for improvement when staying the course. Q: We are now going to continue to rebuild Iraq's infrastructure? A: Indeed. This was a very controversial decision - many thought that leaving it to fall into decay and entropy would be the best way to lead Iraq on the road to stability. But we decided to think outside the box, as it were, and rebuild the country. Q: When will national elections be? A: In January. Maybe sooner. Q: Sooner? Are we not staying the course? A: Don't get crazy here! We are still staying the course, my friend. Q: Whew. Q: Are we staying the course? A: Yes we are! We are staying the course. Our coursefulness remains steady and firm. Staid, even. Q: That's good, staying the course. A: We have not left the course. We could not leave the course. Q: Okay, that's great. A: It hurts to be away from the course. It hurts like a scornful lover. Q: Um. A: It hurts. So. Much.
posted by fafnir at 9:22 AM
Thursday, May 20, 2004
In these times of change, Americans are looking for steady leadership. Indeed. Steady leadership... in times of change. But there are those who would doubt the steadiness of our present leadership. And perhaps the Medium Lobster cannot entirely blame them for doing so. With an Iraqi torture scandal growing larger by the day, threatening to engulf the highest levels of the Pentagon and the White House itself, with mounting American and civilian casualties in Iraq and the war on terror, with a radical Shiite cleric still at large in the nation's holiest cities, it is understandable how those with linear vision could question George Bush's leadership, and even consider John Kerry's as an alternative.
But what would a Kerry administration look like? Would John Kerry offer a "multilateral" solution to the war on terror - or a terrifying new failure? Let us look once again, my friends, into the Lobsterscope of the possible future of... ...PRESIDENT KERRY! In his first act as commander-in-chief, "internationalist" Kerry issues an executive order placing all United States military operations under the command of the United Nations! American troops are soon scattered across the globe, defending America-hating governments, propping up the new Islamist regime in Iraq, and serving as the private "honor guard" of the corrupt Kofi Annan, forced out of duty to fan him with hundred-dollar bills and anoint his naked flesh with oil made from the fat of impoverished and exploited third-world youths! In the meantime al Qaeda becomes emboldened by the abandonment of George Bush's "war" approach to terror, and founds its own Islamofascist state, Islamofascistan, complete with its own military and ballistic missile program! When Islamofascistan forces invade Turkey, Kerry can only respond with "police and intelligence operations" - which are helpless against the al Qaeda terror-state juggernaut! In March of 2006, Kerry's "police operation against terror" finally captures Osama bin Laden and the rest of his top lieutenants. But bin Laden's case is dismissed in court when it turns out that he wasn't properly Mirandized upon his arrest! Exiting the court room, bin Laden flips a middle finger towards a visibly perturbed Kerry, mouthing the words "Fuck you, copper!" As al Qaeda test-launches its first submarine-based nuclear missiles, Kerry considers "flip-flopping" on his policy of gutting vital military projects such as the missile defense screen. But a corrupt UN Security Council stays his hand, reminding the whipped and ineffectual Francophile of his 2005 Delegation of Pentagon Budget to Unsavory Foreign Powers Act. "You are my bitch, Mister President, and you will always be my bitch!" laughs Kofi Annan in his rich Ghanan accent. In August of 2007, Kerry finally and officially surrenders to the forces of Islamofascist terror in the new Islamofascist capital of MeccaMunich. The Treaty of Terror decrees that America's constitution will be replaced with a "Jihadstitution," which abolishes Freedom in the West and establishes a militant Terrorocracy of the Proletariat! Kerry, weeping on his knees, begs history for forgiveness - but his words are too riddled with shameful caveats and self-serving rhetoric for the ordinary plainspoken George W. Bushes of the world to follow. As for what happens next - ah, even the Medium Lobster dare look no further. Those horrors are stories for another time, my friends...
posted by Medium Lobster at 12:37 PM
In a brilliant counter to the growing support for rebel cleric Moqtada al Sadr, the Pentagon has sagely opted to prop up its favorite Iraqi son, Ahmed Chalabi, by raiding his home, taking his computers, and holding a gun to his head.
Chalabi, who has been repeatedly attacked by left-wing critics for being an untrustworthy opportunist who provided false intelligence to the US, embezzled millions from Jordan, and skimmed off the State Department and CIA budgets, has risen above such petty, partisan sniping to become the Pentagon's heir apparent. By cutting off his $335,000 monthly stipend and raiding his home, the Defense Department has cleverly set up Chalabi as a martyr in the eyes of the Iraqi public in order to speed Chalabi on his path to Iraqi political ascendency. In fact, the Medium Lobster has it on good authority that Paul Bremer is to provide Chalabi with his own extremist militia to start an anti-American uprising this summer. Let this be a lesson to all those who doubted the words and deeds of the good Iraqi exiles whose fabricated information helped lead America to war.
posted by Medium Lobster at 10:50 AM
Wednesday, May 19, 2004
Juan Cole has pointed out an article in the Village Voice about apocalyptic Christian groups meeting with the White House to make sure that its Israel policy is compatible with Jesus coming back to end the world. Which is an interestin thing to think about. How many refugee camps does Jesus want bulldozed in Gaza? Will Jesus give up Gaza for more settlements in the West Bank? And what if we are completely missin the mark here an Jesus touches down in the Sinai peninsula forgettin' all about the Camp David Accords? Will Jesus get mixed up an make the Muslim end of the world happen instead? That would be horrible, no one would be happy then!
Today Israeli troops fired on protesters in Gaza killing 10 and wounding over 60. Yknow if I didnt know better, I'd say maybe Jesus didn't wanna come back.
posted by fafnir at 11:47 AM
Tuesday, May 18, 2004
We have not had enough of the weirdness here in American politics for a while. When was the last time for instance that Americans nominated a penguin as a major party presidential candidate? Okay you can all stop shouting "Adlai Stevenson" because it is not true. I meant a true penguin, not a puffin which is sometimes erroneously referred to as "the penguin of the north." And I happen to know that such a penguin nomination has not occurred since Horace Greeley in 1872.
At any rate right now there is a lot of talk about John Kerry runnin with John McCain as his vice-president and a lot of people think "Well hey that sounds like a great idea!" and yknow what it probably is. I mean I disagree with John McCain on a few issues, like the death penalty, gun control, abortion, the Iraq war, arming Japan with nuclear weapons, arming the US with more nuclear weapons. But on the other hand he is a genuinely nice guy, and he is also really funny - watch him on the Daily Show! He shines. The great and compellin thing about a Kerry-McCain ticket is it would be something weird and different that we haven't had in a while. Wow! A republican and a democrat? Together? It is like Voltron - the different colored robots that combine to form one big robot! Or better still: it is like Captain Planet - the opposing Aristotelian elements* which, when our powers combine, form a New Age superhero who fights pollution with cosmic powers! Some party-poopers might ask "But Fafnir will John Kerry and John McCain make a good presidential combination because they disagree on so many things?" The answer is yes of course! Were those penguins great presidents? Or would they have been had they won a majority of the votes in the electoral college? Certainly - just look at the admirable job Adlai Stevenson did as penguin ambassador to the UN. The important thing is weird and different is good. I hope McCain is introduced at the convention by way of a musical tap number and striptease. It would be very different and make a lot of swing voters sit up and take notice. *Except for the fifth power ring, held by the Indian kid, "Heart." There was earth, air, water, fire, and heart. Earth had the power to shake the earth. Water had the power to control the sea. But heart had the power to move you.
posted by fafnir at 10:45 PM
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