Thursday, May 20, 2004

In these times of change, Americans are looking for steady leadership. Indeed. Steady leadership... in times of change. But there are those who would doubt the steadiness of our present leadership. And perhaps the Medium Lobster cannot entirely blame them for doing so. With an Iraqi torture scandal growing larger by the day, threatening to engulf the highest levels of the Pentagon and the White House itself, with mounting American and civilian casualties in Iraq and the war on terror, with a radical Shiite cleric still at large in the nation's holiest cities, it is understandable how those with linear vision could question George Bush's leadership, and even consider John Kerry's as an alternative.

But what would a Kerry administration look like? Would John Kerry offer a "multilateral" solution to the war on terror - or a terrifying new failure? Let us look once again, my friends, into the Lobsterscope of the possible future of...

...PRESIDENT KERRY! In his first act as commander-in-chief, "internationalist" Kerry issues an executive order placing all United States military operations under the command of the United Nations! American troops are soon scattered across the globe, defending America-hating governments, propping up the new Islamist regime in Iraq, and serving as the private "honor guard" of the corrupt Kofi Annan, forced out of duty to fan him with hundred-dollar bills and anoint his naked flesh with oil made from the fat of impoverished and exploited third-world youths!

In the meantime al Qaeda becomes emboldened by the abandonment of George Bush's "war" approach to terror, and founds its own Islamofascist state, Islamofascistan, complete with its own military and ballistic missile program! When Islamofascistan forces invade Turkey, Kerry can only respond with "police and intelligence operations" - which are helpless against the al Qaeda terror-state juggernaut!

In March of 2006, Kerry's "police operation against terror" finally captures Osama bin Laden and the rest of his top lieutenants. But bin Laden's case is dismissed in court when it turns out that he wasn't properly Mirandized upon his arrest! Exiting the court room, bin Laden flips a middle finger towards a visibly perturbed Kerry, mouthing the words "Fuck you, copper!"

As al Qaeda test-launches its first submarine-based nuclear missiles, Kerry considers "flip-flopping" on his policy of gutting vital military projects such as the missile defense screen. But a corrupt UN Security Council stays his hand, reminding the whipped and ineffectual Francophile of his 2005 Delegation of Pentagon Budget to Unsavory Foreign Powers Act. "You are my bitch, Mister President, and you will always be my bitch!" laughs Kofi Annan in his rich Ghanan accent.

In August of 2007, Kerry finally and officially surrenders to the forces of Islamofascist terror in the new Islamofascist capital of MeccaMunich. The Treaty of Terror decrees that America's constitution will be replaced with a "Jihadstitution," which abolishes Freedom in the West and establishes a militant Terrorocracy of the Proletariat! Kerry, weeping on his knees, begs history for forgiveness - but his words are too riddled with shameful caveats and self-serving rhetoric for the ordinary plainspoken George W. Bushes of the world to follow.

As for what happens next - ah, even the Medium Lobster dare look no further. Those horrors are stories for another time, my friends...
posted by the Medium Lobster at 12:37 PM

In a brilliant counter to the growing support for rebel cleric Moqtada al Sadr, the Pentagon has sagely opted to prop up its favorite Iraqi son, Ahmed Chalabi, by raiding his home, taking his computers, and holding a gun to his head.

Chalabi, who has been repeatedly attacked by left-wing critics for being an untrustworthy opportunist who provided false intelligence to the US, embezzled millions from Jordan, and skimmed off the State Department and CIA budgets, has risen above such petty, partisan sniping to become the Pentagon's heir apparent. By cutting off his $335,000 monthly stipend and raiding his home, the Defense Department has cleverly set up Chalabi as a martyr in the eyes of the Iraqi public in order to speed Chalabi on his path to Iraqi political ascendency. In fact, the Medium Lobster has it on good authority that Paul Bremer is to provide Chalabi with his own extremist militia to start an anti-American uprising this summer.

Let this be a lesson to all those who doubted the words and deeds of the good Iraqi exiles whose fabricated information helped lead America to war.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 10:50 AM
Wednesday, May 19, 2004

Juan Cole has pointed out an article in the Village Voice about apocalyptic Christian groups meeting with the White House to make sure that its Israel policy is compatible with Jesus coming back to end the world. Which is an interestin thing to think about. How many refugee camps does Jesus want bulldozed in Gaza? Will Jesus give up Gaza for more settlements in the West Bank? And what if we are completely missin the mark here an Jesus touches down in the Sinai peninsula forgettin' all about the Camp David Accords? Will Jesus get mixed up an make the Muslim end of the world happen instead? That would be horrible, no one would be happy then!

Today Israeli troops fired on protesters in Gaza killing 10 and wounding over 60. Yknow if I didnt know better, I'd say maybe Jesus didn't wanna come back.
posted by fafnir at 11:47 AM
Tuesday, May 18, 2004

We have not had enough of the weirdness here in American politics for a while. When was the last time for instance that Americans nominated a penguin as a major party presidential candidate? Okay you can all stop shouting "Adlai Stevenson" because it is not true. I meant a true penguin, not a puffin which is sometimes erroneously referred to as "the penguin of the north." And I happen to know that such a penguin nomination has not occurred since Horace Greeley in 1872.

At any rate right now there is a lot of talk about John Kerry runnin with John McCain as his vice-president and a lot of people think "Well hey that sounds like a great idea!" and yknow what it probably is. I mean I disagree with John McCain on a few issues, like the death penalty, gun control, abortion, the Iraq war, arming Japan with nuclear weapons, arming the US with more nuclear weapons. But on the other hand he is a genuinely nice guy, and he is also really funny - watch him on the Daily Show! He shines.

The great and compellin thing about a Kerry-McCain ticket is it would be something weird and different that we haven't had in a while. Wow! A republican and a democrat? Together? It is like Voltron - the different colored robots that combine to form one big robot! Or better still: it is like Captain Planet - the opposing Aristotelian elements* which, when our powers combine, form a New Age superhero who fights pollution with cosmic powers!

Some party-poopers might ask "But Fafnir will John Kerry and John McCain make a good presidential combination because they disagree on so many things?" The answer is yes of course! Were those penguins great presidents? Or would they have been had they won a majority of the votes in the electoral college? Certainly - just look at the admirable job Adlai Stevenson did as penguin ambassador to the UN. The important thing is weird and different is good. I hope McCain is introduced at the convention by way of a musical tap number and striptease. It would be very different and make a lot of swing voters sit up and take notice.

*Except for the fifth power ring, held by the Indian kid, "Heart." There was earth, air, water, fire, and heart. Earth had the power to shake the earth. Water had the power to control the sea. But heart had the power to move you.
posted by fafnir at 10:45 PM

Every day I go on the internet and read the news on all sorts of items of world import such as medicare and Glofish and military blimp development and Glofish rights and Iraq. And every day I see stories about Iraq bein unstable and I yell at Iraq, "Stupid Iraq! Be more stable!"

"It is like a willful child," says Giblets. "It will do just the opposite of what you say, until you stick it in a big bag and swing it around for a while."
"You are a bad bad parent," says me.
"I know," says Giblets. "Good thing I have no idea where my children are."

So after readin about how they blew up the head of the Iraqi Governing Council with a car bomb and how they shot up Ayatollah Sistani's house in Najaf today it is good to see that they have finally found the weapons of mass destruction.

"Well, weapon, singular," I says to Giblets. "Weapon of some destruction."
"It was a whole shell," says Giblets. "In the hands of Saddam Hussein he could have used that to easily conquer countries as vast as the Vatican's Order of the Knights of Malta."
"Yes, but now it has been exploded," says me. "Our military has protected us from the tyranny of rogue artillery."
"But the hunt for these WSDs must continue," says Giblets. "Saddam may have left vast cubbyholes of chemical, biological, and nuclear weaponlings all over Iraq."
"Very true," I says. "We must remain vigilant." In the meantime Fafblog raises a celebratory toast to the disarmament process.
posted by fafnir at 6:11 PM

Speaking of the Pope, it is time for another edition of POPE DEATH WATCH.

Today is the Pope's birthday and he is 84 years old and he is publishing a new autobiography that will answer all kinds of interesting questions about the Pope like "oh wow Pope what's your faaaavorite color" and "what was it like opposing communism Pope?" and "ohhhh wow I wonder what a new Pope autobiography would look like!" But the one question it will not answer is when will you die, Pope? When will you die?

Giblets was told last year that the Pope was in imminent danger death. Imminent! I was promised a brand new Pope with shiny gleaming cyborg powers. But instead I have the same! Old! Pope! It is true Giblets is not Catholic and so this does not effect him much. But I have been in Catholic churches and I have a couple boxes of those wafers in my house somewhere (they are very dry and stale and Jesusy, I do not recommend them).

The BBC says the Pope displays a "renewed vigour," which is British for "renewed vigor." Damn you BBC! Damn you all, Giblets wants a new Pope, a better Pope, a Space Pope! Come back when you have found a liver cyst or syphilis or something. Giblets is tired.


posted by Giblets at 1:34 PM

Giblets has always been big on the Catholic Church. Big pointy hats, the inquisition, speaking ex cathedra, sacking Constantinople. Giblets and Catholicism see eye to eye on a lot of issues. Which is why I was interested when I saw a month ago that the Vatican was calling on priests to deny communion to pro-choice Catholics like John Kerry.* One bishop has one-upped this by threatening to withhold communion for any Catholics who vote for politicians who support views the church disagrees with.

Some say this is a cynical move to use religion as a blunt instrument in an election year. And they're right - but what a move! Giblets is impressed, Catholic Church. The Pope has been mostly on the sidelines of the "bully and manipulate American politics with faith" game for decades now but this throws his giant pointy hat in the ring - and with today's sainting of the lady who died to prove that a lethal childbirth doesn't give you an excuse to get an abortion, the Pope's making sure it stays there. For years and years the heavyweights have been protestant fundamentalists and they don't even have the organizational power that the Pope has behind him. If it takes off these guys could be like the AFL-CIO, the Mafia, and the Christian Coalition all rolled into one.

Giblets could not be happier if they pull this off, because frankly he is damn sick of all this "secular representative democracy" talk that's been going on for the last couple centuries. Giblets pines for a return to the traditional values - divine right of kings, universal serfdom, the mass subjugation of women - we started to lose with good old fashioned medieval theocrats.

*Giblets feels a little for John Kerry. The Catholic Church barred Giblets from receiving communion months ago back when I started calling for the Pope to die and commenced the Pope Death Watch, but it hasn't sidetracked me any. Here at Fafblog central we have sixteen gallons of stolen holy water and a box of fig newtons which means Giblets can reliably transubstantiate delicious newtons into the Body of Christ at my convenience. Giblets's Body of Christ is sweeter and chewier than yours by far!
posted by Giblets at 12:52 PM
Monday, May 17, 2004

As the Medium Lobster darkly portended once before, gay marriage will wreak Apocalyptic havok of Biblical proportions upon the celestial firmament, poisoning the Divine Law of God and causing the very Empyrean itself to collapse, bringing about the reign of utter Chaos in an eschatonic conflagration. Nevertheless, like the prophet Cassandra, my words fell on deaf ears, and today in Massachusetts, the darkest of all unholy unions has been forged: civil marriages between partners of the same sex.

Learned readers will recall sadly that the end times are now upon us, and those of you still constrained to linear dimensions will most likely perish in the ensuing heat death of your universe. But what of the local effects? What will happen to America? What of civilization?

Sadly, Western civilization - and all civilized culture - is doomed. Marriage is the social force that binds individuals together into the basic building blocks of civilization, families, which higher beings recognize as "Familions." However, the pervasively corrosive force known to metaphysicians in crosstemporal planes as Gay has now been allowed to intermix with Marriage, allowing Individutrons of any gender combination to form Familions, creating unstable, or "nega-matter" Familions. These Familions emit waves of radiation that cause stable, or "Straight" Familions to decay at the sub-Familion level. Eventually all Familions throughout Civilization will break up and decay into their base components, meaning that they will never be able to form Neighborhooditrons, Citinos, or Governmenticons, leaving the western world in chaos and anarchy.

We are left, then, with the memory of what once was: the splendid, shining ediface of the West, torn to pieces by the unnatural desire for civil equality. As we stand amidst its crumbling piles of dust and mortar, the Medium Lobster would like to leave a fond farewell:

Western Civilization. Born 3500 B.C. in early Mesopotamian city-states, Western Civilization developed numerous complex systems of political governance, conquered most of the inhabited world, and invented the hot air balloon, the nuclear bomb, and the ice cream cone. Died May 17, 2004, of a gay agenda in a Massachusetts court house. It is survived by isolated anarchist survivalist camps and nomadic bands of flesh-eating zombies.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 3:28 PM
Saturday, May 15, 2004

Yknow sometimes it seems like a whole lot of people would be a whole lot happier if we never bothered with this whole Iraq war thing. And now that we are stuck in the middle of it there doesn't seem to be any real way of getting out of it without making it a whole lot worse than it was before. Unleeessssss we come up with a really smart plan. A supersmart plan. A Fafnir-smart plan.

Here is my, Fafnir's, plan to get us out of Iraq.

In the middle of the night while everybody in Iraq is sleepin we pack up all our stuff, tanks, bombs, guns, tents, extra buildings and everything, and stuff it into our planes and helicopters so we can get out real fast at the drop of a hat - a fast hat. Then we will have specially trained troops sent out to each Iraqi home with cords attached to their backs and wait until sunrise and when all the Iraqi families start to wake up yawning and stretching and so on our troops jump out waving wiggly fingers and goin "It was allllll a dream... it was alllllll a dream!"

The wiggly fingers here are very crtical here and if not done correctly could spoil everything.

Then our troops will jump back an get pulled up into the sky by the cords on their backs (remember them?) and all our guys will fly out quickly into the Persian Gulf and onto our carriers which will have been cleverly disguised as a group of banana boats from the Carribbean blown off course by prevailing winds. We will have hand-painted* signs that say "Sorry no bananas Iraqis" in case Iraqis try to buy bananas from our aircraft carriers.

When the Iraqis wake up to see the wiggly fingers and the disappeared Americans they will be confused, and then they will all go "Huh! That must have been a weird dream" an then they talk to their next-door Itaqis who say "did you have that weird dream" and they say "you mean the one where the Americans come and overthrow Saddam Hussein and first we are all happy and then we get sad and then angry and blowing things and people up?" and then they say again "Yes, that dream! I had it for the last year or so it must have been a recurring one." And they will say "Whoa weird" and "What happened to Saddam Hussein" and "He seems to be gone now! I guess we had better go build our own sovereign democratic state here, perhaps aided by the United Nations" and "Wow that sounds like a great idea!"

Now I know what you are thinking. You are thinking "Fafnir the wiggly fingers while potent cannot possibly be enough to convince 22 million Iraqis that they have been asleep and dreaming for the last fourteen months." I recognize that which is why we will also have the smoke machines to add to the effect. The best part about the smoke machines is they give a place a tasteful dream sequence ambience while also coverin up aerial escape route. We will also have to get every other country which isn't Iraq to go along with the whole dream story but since everyone just wants this thing to be over it seems pretty doable, and countries have been pretty good at keepin secrets together before like that time everybody was throwin a birthday party for Bulgaria and everyone else was pretending they had forgotten Bulgaria's birthday and then China and Denmark are all "C'mon Bulgaria let's go out to dinner at this little Italian restaurant" and as soon as Bulgaria gets into the back room, "SURPRISE!" Ha ha, what a great time that was. And then Greece opened fire on Turkey again.


If we follow through on this I am pretty sure everybody stands a pretty good chance of coming out clean here. We get to go home, Iraqis get to forget to be bitter and resentful towards us, and everybody gets a democracy in Iraq. And we all get to use smoke machines! I submit this to the world community for your perusal.

* for authenticity

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posted by fafnir at 11:51 PM

How can America effect a swift and stable handover of power to a sovereign Iraqi government? What changes to its current Iraq policy must be implemented to minimize the terrible losses of blood and treasure it has so far endured, and maximize the new Iraq's chances of success? As with all things, the Medium Lobster holds the answer: in order to change its policies for the better, America must stay the course, and make no change at all.

If your President has lead you into an ever-deepening quagmire in a strategically-questionable war, re-elect him. If your Secretary of Defense's technocratic fantasies have left your occupation force undermanned and unsupplied, retain him. If your military leaders have allowed an atmosphere of gross physical and sexual abuse to flourish, praise them. And if you meet the Buddha on the road, and if he and his militia of fanatics have seized the holy cities of Najaf and Karbala, let him kick around for a good couple months.

Few but the enlightened will understand the pearls of wisdom the Medium Lobster now generously extends, but in the hopes that someday you, dear reader, may sip even once and briefly, from the celestial cup of true awareness, I present to you the following, for recitation and meditation:

Bush-tzu and the fishes
One day Bush-tzu and another monk were walking along a riverbank. "How terrified the fishes are of weapons of mass destruction!" Bush-tzu exclaimed. "You are not a fish," the monk said. "How do you know whether or not the fishes are terrified of weapons of mass destruction?" "You are not me," Bush-tzu said. "How do you know that I do not know that the fishes are terrified of weapons of mass destruction?" Years later, the monk was enlightened.

Ailes's Zen
One day, Ailes received one of Hofuku's disciples and asked him, "How does your teacher instruct you?" "My teacher instructs me to shut my eyes and see no evil thing; to cover my ears and hear no evil sound; to stop my mind-activities and form no wrong ideas," the monk replied. "I do not ask you to shut your eyes," Ailes said, "but you do not see a thing. I do not ask you to cover your ears, but you do not hear a sound. I do not ask you to cease your mind-activities, but you do not form any idea at all." Years later, the monk was enlightened.

Cheney's Mu
One day a troubled monk approached Cheney, intending to ask the master for guidance. A dog walked by. The monk asked, "Does that dog have Buddha-nature?" Cheney shot him. Years later, the monk was enlightened.

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posted by the Medium Lobster at 10:44 PM

Really people. This one is kind of a no-brainer.

Even people who are not Giblets know that the United States military is not good at nation-building. What it is very very good at is nation-wrecking. It can line those nations up and knock 'em over like pinballs! It would really be almost frightening if Giblets were not comofortably residing in the United States (a principality of the Pax Gibletsia). Whenever you start working on a major project - a novel, a play, a military occupation - you wanna stick with what you know, what you're good at. We call this "playing to your strengths." America, you are good at blowing things up. Do not be ashamed of this, America! Embrace it, it is part of your rich heritage! Look how fast you took down Baghdad! It was only when you started putting it back together again that things got rough.

So what we want to do is start turning the occupation away from "nation-building" and back towards the "nation-wrecking" that was working out so well for us in the beginning. Do not sit around as targets for guerilla attacks while guarding supply convoys! Use air strikes on major civilian and military infrastructure. "But Giblets how will the Iraqis ever form a free and sovereign state" you say because you are stupid. They won't - that is the point! If you bomb them enough they will never recover from their bombings and nothing like a state will ever exist in Iraq. And if a state can't exist in Iraq it can't sponsor terror. Your problems are solved!

In fact Giblets's "bomb and re-bomb" strategy is so simple it can be used on lots of countries at once. Just skip the occupation and do multiple rounds of nation-wrecking in places like Iraq, Iran, and Syria. It is so simple only a child could understand it!

Giblets also has a brilliant solution for "How To Resolve The Standoff With North Korea" (hint: it starts with "n" and ends with "uclear bombardment").

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posted by Giblets at 9:36 PM

Yknow this is the time during your standard drawn out occupation when people start talkin about "blah blah exit strategies" and "bloobity bloobity peace with honor." So here at Fafblog we are each gonna make a bold an excitin proposal about how the US can get itself out of the predicament, the difficult or precarious situation, the land with a soft muddy surface it finds itself in with Iraq.

Giblets goes first because he has the bow tie with the least amount of Buddha nature, I go last because I have the bow tie with the most amount of Buddha nature, and the Medium Lobster goes in the middle because his bow tie transcends Buddha nature.

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posted by fafnir at 8:54 PM
Friday, May 14, 2004

There is not much blogging in this strange strange country. Where are the mass walls of computers? Where is the free-flowing internet? Where is Chris-who-eats-chicken?

"He has abandoned us," says Giblets.
"Like Yahweh in Egypt land," says me.
"Egypt Land is great," says Giblets. "Have you tried the Pyramid Ride? It ducks and swoops twice into Pharoah Lagoon!"
"I was not tall enough to ride the Pyramid Ride," says me. "You had to reach the mummy's arm."
"Stupid mummy," says Giblets.
"The Frankfort Indiana Hot Dog Festival is not for another two months," says me. "What will we do for another two months?"
"Giblets needs no hot dogs," says Giblets. "Giblets needs ribs."
"If we planted ribs in the ground would they grow into a woman, like in the Bible?" I says.
"That would be an empirical test of the existence of God," says Giblets.
"But then we would not need faith," says me. "And where would God be?"
"In space, orbiting the Moon, where he always is," says Giblets.
"That's very true," says me.

There is nothing on television right now. Nothing at all.
posted by fafnir at 11:04 AM

In these troubling times of war, terror, and strife, the Medium Lobster has been heartened to see one bold force standing above the frothing Islamofascist rabble in the Mideast, brandishing the bulldozer of peace. Yes, in the wake of his party's rejection of the Gaza settlement withdrawal plan, Ariel Sharon has nonetheless stuck with the peace process to the end by demolishing Palestinian refugee camps.

Using the clever pretext of a nightmarishly cynical land grab, the Israeli forces have actually begun to bring peace to Gaza the only way they can - through a bold and unilateral disarmament policy, removing all the most deadly weapons from the region - beginning with the pieces of stone and brick which can be so hurled to such deadly effect at Israeli soldiers, including "dual-use" rocks used for the building of houses and shelters.

Indeed, with luck and peace at their side, the IDF may reduce all potential terrorist weaponry in time to harmless sand, freeing the Palestinian people from the terrible influence of the Islamist death-buildings that never truly sheltered them. The Medium Lobster can only hope we will all live to see that day.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 10:20 AM
Thursday, May 13, 2004

Apparently senior citizens are very confused about the new Medicare presciption drug benefit. The new benefit forces them to choose between 73 different plans, they complain. They have to commit to a plan for a year but the companies behind those plans can drop coverage for drugs and change prices at any time, they complain. The plans are too confusing for their senile, senile brains, they complain. They can't read the Medicare instructions because lack of medication has left them blinded by cataracts, they complain.

Awwwwww! Poor old seniors! Do you know what this is, seniors? (Please imagine Giblets miming a violin-playing motion with his fingers) It is Giblets playing the world's smallest violin just for the seniors who are too stupid to figure out how their obscenely expensive new Medicare drug benefit works. In a proper honest Gibletsian society you would all be released into the jungle to be eaten by giant insects upon retirement, or perhaps forced to run through a televised master gauntlet policed by extravagantly costumed killer police cyborgs, instead of plodding on into old age and becoming part of a immensely potent voting block. We have given you massive and deeply flawed entitlement programs that won't survive your children. We have bloated those programs with sops to pharmaceutical companies and the AARP. We have given you Florida, a once barely-habitable swampland now terraformed into a hellish biodome of rest homes and tourist traps. And now you want the ability to see, too?

Well, Giblets's generosity is not endless. If you do not toughen up, seniors, it will be the insects for you. Then we can spend that Medicare cash on something really important, like mini-nukes.
posted by Giblets at 12:30 PM

Well, Giblets doesn't know exactly what to say here on the subject of the terrorists who chopped off an American civilian's head in Iraq in front of a video camera. I mean how many times in this war can you talk about how "atrocities are horrible" or "atrocities are nightmarishly horrible" or "dear god please please stop these atrocities" before words like "atrocities" begin to have about as much rhetorical weight as words like "toaster pastries"?

What are we supposed to say at this point? Let's really, REALLY try to kill the terrorists now? That this latest death-maiming is really the last straw on the death-maiming camel's back? Giblets has become desensitized to reality at this point. Maybe the worst part about this is that reality is starting to desensitize me to fiction. Giblets is more likely to commit fictional violence now that he has seen so much real horror on television.

On the plus side they have taken down these guys' website. The hosting company took it down because the number of hits was causing their server to crash. Well, Giblets is satisfied. It's good to see that a graphic video of a man being decapitated is being taken off the internet because of the Slashdot effect. We are making great progress as a civilization here, people.
posted by Giblets at 11:04 AM

Things of note seen on the road:
  • A car on fire - which did note explode! "It must explode eventually," says Giblets. "TV has not lied to me."

  • A Wendy's with a giant inflatable girl out in front of it. We figured that must in fact have been Wendy. "Wendy is enormous, and terrifyingly bloated" read my notes.

  • A truck full of corn tipped over in a ditch, with much spilled corn. "Air thick with the howl of zombified yokels lost in the throes of corn-lust" read my notes. I am pretty sure I did not write that, complain to Giblets instead.
  • posted by fafnir at 8:54 AM
    Wednesday, May 12, 2004

    The bus is stopped in the middle of the tunnel. We have started wonderin if somethin is wrong.

    "Maybe the bus is dead," I says.
    "The bus is not dead," says Giblets. "It is insolent and stupid and smelly and bad."
    "It is a bad bus," I says.
    "It is a very bad bus," says Giblets.
    "It very poorly represents the Platonic ideal of Bus," I says.
    "Why didnt we take the plane, the plane is far superior to the bus," says Giblets.
    "Because we are poor," I says. "We are a poor Fafnir and Giblets and are consigned to the bus."
    "There are children on this bus," says Giblets.
    "Screaming children," I says.
    "Giblets hates children," says Giblets.
    "I fear children," I says, "because of their sharp sharp teeth."
    "Children are just like adults," says Giblets, "Only smaller and more stupid and smelly and bad."
    "Why didnt we take the train, the train is far superior to the bus," says Giblets.
    "We will live with bus-regret for all our lives," I says, and it is true.

    The bus is still stopped in the middle of a tunnel. Everyone figures somethin is probably wrong.
    posted by fafnir at 11:35 PM
    Monday, May 10, 2004

    As the Medium Lobster drifted through the heavenly aether this afternoon, Edward of Obsidian Wings managed to alert us to the Virginia state legislature's recent decision to ban any "partnership contract or other arrangement between persons of the same sex purporting to bestow the privileges or obligations of marriage." Indeed, with one bold stroke, Virginia has done away with the shadowy threats of gay marriage, civil unions, joint-filing status and hospital visitation rights for homosexuals. But is this truly enough?

    The Medium Lobster has already addressed the cosmic threat to celestial harmony that is gay marriage before. But the even more pernicious threat of gay civil contracts also tears at the fabric of civilization.

    If gays are allowed to continue to form civil contracts with one another that guarantee partnership rights, it would erode the sanctity of civil contracts forever. After all, a contract giving one's domestic partner the medical power of attorney is not some crass secular bond to be toyed with and redefined at will. It is a divine institution, set forth by God himself, and to allow a same sex couple to make the same inheritance provisions as a married couple would violate the sacred laws of contractual obligation.

    So the Medium Lobster salutes Virgina's attempt to put a stop to creeping secularity in our private arrangements. Only one qualm remains: will this law alone be enough, or will activist courts allow the homosexual agenda to taint the very fabric of civil contracts? The Medium Lobster fears that America may need to amend its constitution to prevent any further damage from the encroaching forces of private gayness.
    posted by the Medium Lobster at 8:17 PM

    Edward Underscore from Obsidian Wings points out growin concern of a dirty bomb attack in the US or Europe and is gathering tips from around the blogosphere on how to survive a dirty bomb. This is very important and serious an it is time that we here at Fafblog address this critically critical issue for you our Fafblog readers. What should you do if there is a dirty bomb?

  • If you meet the dirty bomb in a social setting always greet it with a firm but polite handshake and a warm smile. Say "how do you do." Suitable topics of conversation may include theater, the weather, compliments (but not lewd compliments) for the appearance of the dirty bomb or the dirty bomb's wife, politics if appropriate an sensible. If you have committed a faux pas with the dirty bomb say "oh I am most certainly sorry dirty bomb I did not mean to offend" and offer to refresh the dirty bomb's drink. It is best to avoid religion an baseball with the dirty bomb.

  • If the dirty bomb begins to growl or if its ears are pressed flat against its head this may be a sign of aggression. Back away slowly from the dirty bomb. Do not make quick moves which could make it nervous. Do not show fear. When you are at a safe enough distance contact dirty bomb authorities who will be able to control and detain it.

  • If you are approached by a dirty bomb in a car do not get in even if it knows your name or offers you presents. Do not let the dirty bomb touch you! Stay with adults or Homeland Security officials at all times until the dirty bomb has left the scene. Tell a police officer immediately about what has happened.
  • posted by fafnir at 1:05 PM

    Giblets is seeing a whole bunch of people yelling for Rumsfeld to resign lately. And for what? A widespread pattern of atrocities? Some horribly botched war planning? Disastrous interference with the CIA and State Department? Okay yes, that is exactly why they want him to resign. And y'know sure, there are probably a lot of better qualified people to run the Pentagon than Donald Rumsfeld, a lot of people who could run the war without mucking it up as much as he has, and firing him would probably make those spoiled Iraqis a little happier. But at what price?

    If Rumsfeld resigns the terrorists will win, because we will have done exactly what they wanted us to do. All of their suicide bombings and rocket grenade killings and getting tortured by guards have been leading up to the moment when they can trick American politicians to pressure Donald Rumsfeld into quitting. And if he quits it will be appeasement - appeasement to terror! It will be Madrid and Neville Chamberlain and "The Spaghetti Incident" all over again!

    To everybody who wants a weak America, who wants a pansy-ass runnin-scared fraidy-cat America, Giblets has this to say: God bless Donald Rumsfeld because he is taking the fight to the terrorists, in some vague, ill-conceived sense that doesn't seem to be working out well but hey, Giblets is not a "details" person he is a "big picture" person. And even if you do get rid of this one good man, I am confident that there are a lot more where he came from.
    posted by Giblets at 8:57 AM

    Mothers Day is always confusin for us here at Fafblog. The Medium Lobster is of course a higher being who transcends origin and therefore has no mother unless you count Izzy. "But the Medium Lobster transcends Izzy," says Giblets. "Very true," says me.

    Giblets an I are confused about our own roots. True we are Norwegian-Sri Lankans who live in America. But what of our mothers?

    "Did we have proper mothers Giblets?" I says. "Or were we put together by big cold soulless machines?"
    "I think I remember my mother putting me together using a big cold soulless machine," says Giblets.
    "I remember bein told, 'Be good, children, and we'll mail you in a box to America.'" I says.
    "And we were all, 'Yaaaaaaay!'" says Giblets.
    "Those were good days, back in the box," I says. "Ah nostalgia."
    "But what of our mothers?" says Giblets.

    Yes what of our mothers? What of the mothers of Fafblog? They were good mothers. They were honest mothers. They were caring mothers. They were strange, strange mothers. We salute you, mothers. Take care.
    posted by fafnir at 8:27 AM
    Saturday, May 8, 2004

    John Quiggin over at Crooked Timber and Paul Krugman over at his little rag have spooky pieces about oil right now. Key points of interest include: will oil prices stay high forever? Are we running out of oil? Where can Giblets get his hands on some oil if he really has a major oil jonze goin'? Does oil come from dinosaurs? No really, doesn't it come from dinosaurs? Oh. Now Giblets feels bad about sticking all his dinosaur friends in tar pits all those years ago.

    Krugman talks a lot about the oil squeeze and about China eating up more of the world supply of a limited resource, but what of Giblets, Krugman? Where does Giblets go for sweet, sweet crude? There is the pool, yes, but that is just for casual swimming and bathing. Giblets has a couple dozen kegs on tap but those are for special occasions, and on a regular basis I have thirty or so internal combustion engines running in my home (Giblets finds the incessant roar of their engines and belching of their smog comforting) and they are getting hungry, Krugman. So hungry!

    Quiggin says "low-cost substitutes" will "become attractive." Krugman says we will all have to "adapt." Giblets does not adapt to the world! The world adapts to Giblets! What am I going to do, get "fuel cells"? Hydrogen economies are for pussies! Giblets demands a monopoly on an exhaustible resource! Giblets demands a monopoly on an exhaustible resource NOOOOW!
    posted by Giblets at 11:24 PM

    Truly, the shocking revelations of the horrors of Abu Ghraib have posed a dire threat to America's fight for stability in Iraq and its greater war against terror. If left unchecked, this growing cancer threatens to consume every good thing America has worked for in the region - and the United States must quickly act against such an eventuality by suppressing any remnants of conscience lingering in our military.

    As Tim Graham and Joe Lieberman have pointed out, the abuses committed by Americans in Abu Ghraib are mild compared to those committed by Saddam Hussein or Osama bin Laden. When one compares American atrocities to Iraqi or terrorist atrocities one quickly recognizes that American atrocities hold the moral high ground. Indeed, when stripped of all conscience, the callous and depraved American torturer is still morally far superior to the conscience-stripped, callous and depraved Al Qaeda terrorist. Hence one concludes that even sans moral compass, America is still a beacon of light within the Mideast.

    Were the atrocities committed in Abu Ghraib horrifying? Indeed. But more horrifying still would be a military unable or unequipped to deal with the Forces of Terror. Americans have seen the torture and the raping, certainly, but they haven't seen the intelligence gleaned from said torture and raping - and the lives saved, pipelines constructed, and schools built because of that intelligence. Can the West really afford to have an Iraqi insurgent's pride in his unexposed genitalia - his unexposed, terrorist genitalia - come between US troops and a shipment of arms bound for a Baathist cell? Can American children sleep safely if a prisoner's unelectrocuted testicles - unelectrocuted Islamist testicles - prevent him from confessing the location of a suicide bomber, or his participation in late night Black Sabbaths to summon Beelzebub amongst a coven of witches?

    America will still hold the moral high ground if it continues a policy of torture in Iraq. In fact, it would only surrender such a high ground if it ended that policy - much less take the self-destructive steps that such left-wing war opponents as Tacitus and The Economist have proposed. War, after all, is hell, and there is no room for such extravagences as conscience or humanity or moral high ground in hell.
    posted by the Medium Lobster at 9:57 PM

    So the FDA has decided that the mornin after pill is not gonna be sold over the counter. This is yknow a huge step backwards for women's health and for contraception and the prevention of abortions. But it is a huge step forward for what we at Fafblog like to call the "rights of the unconceived," which is just a few short steps from what we are really lookin forward to which is the rights of the inanimate.

    I have personally spent hours an hours talkin to cans, waffle irons, boxes, printer cartridges and forks and they all dream of one thing: no longer bein treated as second-class citizens in the United States. Why is it we can casually throw out a burger wrapper as if its non-life life didnt matter? Why are staplers used against their will?

    So we're all excited about the rights of nonviable sperm and eggs bein protected under US law. But where is the love for America's plastic? When does lint get the right to vote?
    posted by fafnir at 8:58 PM
    Wednesday, May 5, 2004

    Today is Cinco de Mayo! or as it is known in Mexico the Fifth of May. It is a holiday comparable in importance to the American Fourth of July. It celebrates the day when Mexico signed their declaration of independence and threw off the yoke of British colonialism, huzzah! It is also known as "Mexican Independence Day" or "The Day of the Dead" because the head of the Mexican army enlisted the spirits of the dead to help them fight the British troops. This became the basis for Lord of the Rings.

    Cinco de Mayo is celebrated with the ceremonial burning of a piñata in the shape of King George, which is referred to as "the Guy." King George is called "the Guy" because it is sort of an informal version of saying "the Man," like "the Guy has me down" or "I gotta work for the Guy." He is also sometimes called "Guy Fawkes" as in "The Guy Fawkes you" or "I am getting Fawked by the Guy." It is a more polite substitution for "fuck." In Mexico they are always terribly polite.

    Celebrate Cinco de Mayo today with a burning Guy or a thing for the dead or a gamelan or whatnot! It is Cinco de Mayo. Have fun.
    posted by fafnir at 4:44 PM

    As long as old Vietnam veterans who sorta served near or around John Kerry are comin' out and saying how much he sucks, Giblets might as well get in on the action. This action is now Giblets's. It belongs to Giblets! Bow before Giblets!

    Giblets served on the very same boat that John Kerry did in Vietnam. And by "served," I mean that Giblets visited it, or a boat very much like it, at a museum. Giblets found the boat - and Mr Kerry - boring and demeaning to America. Giblets has also served admirably and been wounded in Vietnam, or at least has watched a whole lot of Vietnam movies. I yelp in pain every time I watch "Platoon."

    Giblets is not alone either. I have a number of friends who are ragged veterans of such military games as "Tom Clancy's Splinter Cell" and "River Raid" and they all think John Kerry was a lousy soldier - and a waffler on key legislative issues too. We are available for press conferences and fundraiser luncheons.
    posted by Giblets at 12:43 PM

    Last night I went to a gamelan concert. Gamelan is Javanese for "large unwieldy gong assembly with ornamental dragons." It is so cool! I recommend that everybody go down to their local music store and get themselves a gamelan and learn to play. "But Fafnir I am learnin to play the guitar like the rest of the people in my college band" you say because you are lame. Stop being lame! Any ol shmuck can play the guitar. This is a gamelan! It takes balls to play gamelan.

    When a gamelan piece starts up it sounds like a huge guy made of bells an flutes and stringed things walkin over a mountain an you just think "Man that guy looks like a cool guy, I'd like to figure out where he's goin" so you head off down the mountain on your emu (you are riding an emu) after him. Of course the program for this gamelan concert said different. It described the piece as
    ...the lyrics address the cricket with proverbial good advice: "Chirping cricket, hiding in your hole, come join your friends. Don't live your life under a rock!" Then he gets eaten by a big bug.
    Fafblog extends its greetings to gamelans and crickets everywhere.
    posted by fafnir at 11:37 AM
    Tuesday, May 4, 2004

    The time is Giblets o clock. It is time for the news. Trust Giblets as an objective presenter of the truth! Trust Giblets as an objective presenter of the truth NOOOOOW!

  • Presidential hopeful John Kerry, after many weeks of getting kicked around by frothing negative ads from George Bush, has responded forcefully with a $25 million ad buy that showcases his Vietnam war heroism. This is a good move because it shows the three voters who did not already know about Kerry's war record how effectively he will lead America. Y'know. In Vietnam.

  • The US military has investigated the deaths of 25 prisoners in Iraq and Afghanistan and determined that two of them were murdered by Americans. Well I know everyone is gonna get their panties in a bunch over the two murdered prisoners, but what Giblets finds really remarkable is that 23 dead prisoners weren't murdered. If this "US military" is so unbiased why isn't it investigating all the murders we haven't committed? There are 25 million Iraqis still alive, people. Two out of 25 million is lookin' sweet.

  • Ahmed Chalabi, the Pentagon's go-to-guy in Iraq, may have given "sensitive information" to Iran that could "get people killed." I dunno, Giblets doesn't see this as a big deal. So he's embezzled a little from Jordan, skimmed off the top from the CIA and the State Department, wants to run Iraq while havin' a little fling with Iran. He's a playa, America. A free spirit, a Don Juan. You can't own him, baby. Ahmed needs his space. He still loves you, baby. But he needs to hustle his muscle too.
  • And to close, some light news! A New Zealand passenger found a live frog in her airline meal salad! The frog was a whistling tree frog which had stowed away on board a flight from Australia. Travelers shouldn't worry about many more frog stowayaws though; most frogs will probably be extinct in another few decades anyway.
  • posted by Giblets at 4:47 PM

    The most terrible and heartbreaking thing ever in the world has happened. One of my Glofish has died.

    Blinky (we are pretty sure it was Blinky) was lookin weird an bent and hunchbacked for a while, and couldnt get up off the bottom of the real easy, and then yesterday he died. I was inconsolable for a long time until Chris promised me he would get me a mutant cyborg Glofish to replace him. Chris denies this but it is true. The cyborg fish's name will be Sir Horatio Weatherspoon.

    The man at the fish store claimed that Blinky's intrinsic Glofishness may have caused him to die. "Those are those fish they inject coral DNA into," he says. "Yeah they glow," I says. "Well the genetic tampering makes them genetically inferior," says the fish store man who thinks he is some expert on glofish genetics now, "so it mighta had a genetic disease that killed it." "That is stupid, stupid fish store man!" I says. "Glofish are if anything genetically superior. They can glow! Ordinary non-glofish fish cannot glow. That is superiority right there." "Duuuuh I am sooo stupid, watch me say stupid things," says the fish store man.


    The good news is the cause of Glofish freedom is now spreadin to England where the BBC and the Independent both have Glofish articles about the different things Glofish technology can lead to. I dunno they are interesting articles but they mostly focus on boring things like goats that can make supercheese and fast-growing salmon and environmental horror. Which is all interesting but misses the most important part which is that glofish really glow. What this could really lead to eventually is a host of other glowing animals like glomice, glocats, and even the fabled glomonkey. Dont you think people would be more eager to save whales if they were glowhales? Sure they would! Beautiful glowing whales.

    Anyway I will be mourning Blinky (we think it was Blinky) for much of the rest of today but will be back in case anythin interesting happens or in case yknow mourning gets borin real fast which is always a concern you have with mourning.
    posted by fafnir at 11:22 AM
    Sunday, May 2, 2004

    So last night I was in this prematurely airconditioned supermarket and there were these aisles and aisles of bathing caps, an they had these sorta fourth of July plumes on em, and they were red, and blue, and yellow, and I wasnt tempted to buy them but they did remind me that I had been avoidin the beach.

    "Chris" I says to Chris cause he's the one I talk to about the beach, "I wanna go to the beach."
    "Blah blah blah," says Chris who is eatin chicken. "Talk talk talk."
    "Chris you are so unhelpful," says me.
    "Blah talk blah. Talk talk blah."

    So I take the bus instead. The bus is big and old and smelly and ugly and the bus is all "Nggghhh the bus hates the beach, the bus doesnt go to the beach" and I go all "fooey to you the bus" and so I decide to walk to the beach as it is a pleasant sunny day and I see all kinds of interesting things on the way like several stop signs and Giblets and an old coke can.

    "Hey Giblets I am goin to the beach!" says me.
    "The beach is insolent," says Giblets. "Besides you hate the beach."
    "That's not true," says me.
    "Talk blah talk. Blah blah talk."

    When I get to the beach there is a huge beach monster there with enormous sharp teeth comin out of the sand. "Hey beach monster," says me. "RGGNRAAAFFRRRR" says the beach monster and it jumps for me and about fifty other Fafnirs all running away from it. "Run Fafnir!" say the other Fafnirs. "Aaaa!" says me and I start runnin.

    I stop to rest in this prematurely airconditioned supermarket and there are these aisles and aisles of bathing caps, an they have these sorta fourth of July plumes on em, and they are red, and blue, and yellow, and Im not tempted to buy them but they do remind me that I have been avoidin the beach.

    Stupid bathing caps.
    posted by fafnir at 11:09 AM
    Saturday, May 1, 2004

    Supreme Court Justice David Souter has been attacked while jogging!

    I do not have to tell loyal Fafblog readers that Supreme Court Justice David Souter is by far our favorite Supreme Court Justice here at Fafblog. He just kicks ass. Yes he is kind of a nerd and weirdly awkward in public but look at him he is so damn cool! He is totally the David Byrne of Supreme Court Justices. His opinion on United States v. Bestfoods just rocked.

    Anyway I'll bet it was those big jerks Scalia and Rehnquist who beat him up. Everyone knows they are the bullies of the Court always beatin up Kennedy and stealin Ginsberg's lunch money. Rehnquist is always actin like he's the big hot shot boss with his captain stripes. Man they've gone too far, knockin on Souter.
    posted by fafnir at 6:06 PM

    Before we all get too excited about the "torture and rape and sexual humiliation" of Iraqi prisoners by the US military, the Medium Lobster would like to make a few general notes about what is of course a terrible discovery but is not to be blown out of proportion.

    - The activities that occurred at Abu Ghuraib prison are not to be compared to those of Saddam Hussein's rape rooms and torture chambers. After all, those were rape rooms and torture chambers. These were merely rooms in which rape occurred, and chambers in which individuals were tortured.

    - In war, atrocities will happen, as dew on the grass in the morning, or flower blossoms in the spring. The dew gathers. The buds open. The atrocities bloom. It is all according to the mysterious, ever-unfolding cycle of life - a cycle too vast and complex for mere mortals to comprehend.

    - These were isolated incidents, and the behavior of these prison guards should in no way reflect upon the military superiors who endorsed and promoted such behavior. This is because atrocities are supervenient on subordinates, but not on command structures. Those with greater learning will understand.

    As another enlightened being has noted, the true tragedy of this revelation is its impediment to the War For Civilization, as it has made the Arab world "drunk with rage," and in so doing perhaps eliminated any potential for peaceful resolution to the Middle East conflict. Here within the higher spheres, where the dangerously intoxicating qualities of rage are understood, we heartily support efforts such as the President's nuclear development program as the last chance of maintaining international sanity and order.
    posted by the Medium Lobster at 1:50 PM

    Yesterday George Bush disagreed with "people in the world who don't believe that people whose skin color may not be the same as ours can be free and self-govern." A lot of high mucky-mucks like Josh Marshall and Atrios and George Bush are wondering just who these people are who think democracy will not work with brown-skinned people. Well, they is Giblets.

    Giblets is a war supporter. I am very big on war. It is like a glass of fine white wine, it "cleanses the palate" of civilizations. Also it makes for fantastic television. More importantly it is enormously cathartic. After 9/11 Giblets was mad, real mad, and wanted to blow somethin up. Weapons of mass destruction? Who cares! Spreading democracy in the middle east? Never bought it! Giblets would be just as happy with a "democracy-minded strongman" like himself in charge. Yknow when those dictators think about democracy for an hour or so a day is when things really start to turn around.

    But Giblets has never believed that brown people are capable of self-government. Take the one brown person I know, Bucephalus. "Bananas?" says Bucephalus. Bucephalus lives in a sadly limiting binary world. A world of Bananas and Ape Has Killed Ape. "No, Bucephalus," I say to Bucephalus, for Giblets has no Bananas and would spare none for him if he had any. "No bananas." "Oh," says Bucephalus sadly. "Ape has killed ape." Bucephalus cannot understand the myriad levels of complexity between these two states. Everything is black or white, on or off, Bananas or Ape Has Killed Ape. How would Bucephalus or a congress of Bucephaluses draft a bill or pass a budget? It is inconceivable.

    It is not that Bucephalus is incapable of doing anything. He is an excellent juggler for example. Juggle, Bucephalus! Juggle for Giblets NOW! And he is rather obedient. Good Bucephalus! Very good Bucephalus. You have amused your lord and Giblets.

    Anyway, it is about time we cut through the crap, recognized the brown-skinned people of Iraq cannot self-govern, and put them under the control of Giblets. Then we can move onto the problem of the white-skinned people who clearly cannot govern America. I mean come on. You people can't even fill court appointments.
    posted by Giblets at 10:13 AM

    Well we are pulling out of Fallujah it looks like. Now I know a lot of gloomy guses out there are gonna talk about appeasement and the downfall of the occupation and encouraging insurgents but yknow what, I think this pullin-out-and-leavin-crazy-Iraqi-militia-alone-under-a-Baathist-general plan might be on just the right track.

    Remember that old episode of The Cosby Show where Theo wants to move out of his house and go live in the real world so Dr Huxtable goes and sets up his house as "The Real World Hotel" where Theo is charged for rent and food and cant afford to eat or sleep and has to say "Aw dad man was I stupid in this episode!" and his dad says "Thassalright son have a Jello pudding pop!" Ha ha! That was a great episode.

    Well the moral of that episode is "be careful what you wish for because sometimes you're actually stupid" which is a valuable lesson we all should learn. What the US should do is give full sovereignty to all of Fallujah and put crazy Sunni militias in charge. At first they will be like "Awwwwright! Party in the mosque all Friday long!" but pretty soon they will learn that with Great Power Comes Great Responsibility and people will start comin up to them sayin hey crazy Sunni militias where's my electricity? and Hey crazy Sunni militias where's my job? and Hey crazy Sunni militias what happened to that universal health care plan you promised us? and crazy Sunni militias will learn the perils of incumbency.

    Meanwhile the US will be back in limited-sovereignty Iraq goin "Oh what's that crazy Sunni militias you don't want to run Fallujah anymore? Oh well" and they will apologize profusely and US ambassador to Iraq John Negroponte will put a fatherly hand around their shoulder, give them a Jello pudding pop and a summary execution. And everybody will have a big laugh it'll be fun!


    CORRECTION: In the previous version of this post Fafblog referred to crazy Sunni militias as "Moqtada al Sadr," who is not holed up in Fallujah. Also Fafblog referred to Iraq as "Candyland," President Bush as "convicted child molester President Bush," and Supreme Court Justice David Souter as "the argument from supervenience." Fafblog regrets the error.
    posted by fafnir at 3:26 AM
    Friday, April 30, 2004

    This is a savage pie. This is a brutal pie. This is a meat pie.

    It is not like other pies. In its pre-pie life it did not grow on bushes as harmless berries or round red apples. It stalked the earth as a wild beast eating plants and other beasts and now it is a pie ready and waiting to be eaten itself. It is a vicious pie from a vicious world. A world of eat or be eaten and pie or be pied.

    Should we eat this pie? It will be tasty, just as tasty or tastier as the other pies we have come to know. But biting into this pie is not just biting into any pie. It is biting into the Dark Animal Heart of Man. But sometimes we need the Dark Animal Heart of Man, like Captain Kirk needed his evil Captain Kirk in that episode where he got split into two halves and one of them was good and one of them was a meat pie. There is a place for the savage meat pie as much as there is a place for any pie. It is all part of the great pie cycle of life.

    But that still doesn't mean we should not beware of this pie. This is a pie that takes no prisoners. This is a savage pie.


    posted by fafnir at 8:46 PM

    So I open up my email today expectin to hear the usual excitin offers for free male enhancement and mysterious African currency and instead I found a story from CBS about American soldiers and military contractors torturing and humilating Iraqi prisoners. Prisoners have been beaten to death and stripped and threatened with electrocution. There are allegations of a rape. There are photos.

    "Is this real?" I says to Giblets.
    "It's the internet," says Giblets. "It's internet-real."
    "We're the good guys," I says. "It can't be real."
    "Television will tell us the truth," says Giblets, and he is correct because Television knows.

    But thankfully it is all just a big heap of nothin because when we turned on the TV all that was on on every news channel what Michael Jackson getting indicted!

    "Whew," says me. "I was very afraid American soldiers had actually tortured Iraqis!"
    "Yeah," says Giblets. "That would have deeply shaken me and my faith in the purity of occupation forces."
    "That would have been the worst thing ever," I says.
    "Almost as bad as the heavy allegations weighing on the King of Pop," Giblets says.
    "Indeed," I says. "He may be unfit to wear the crown."
    "The crown of pop," Giblets says.
    "How's the siege of Fallujah goin?" I says.
    "Havent seen much lately," says Giblets.
    "I guess it's pretty much over then," I says.

    Fox News's Linda Vester promises to get back to us with up-to-the-minute coverage of the Michael Jackson arraignment just after this break. She might even have an expert panel!
    posted by fafnir at 1:24 PM
    Wednesday, April 28, 2004

    America is at war. A war not merely against one terrorist organization, but a war for its very way of life, to protect that most ephemeral thing known as Freedom. The Medium Lobster has been heartened to see that the fight to preserve the American way is being taken to its most direct front: cracking down on pornography and dirty words.

    Both the Justice Department and the FCC have spent the last several weeks courageously rolling back the terror cells of smut and swear words that threaten to destroy the civilization the West so deeply cherishes. Indeed, just today the Medium Lobster has learned that the roiling cesspool of filth known as NPR will no longer be allowed to make unfettered use of the word "suck" over the radio, and John Ashcroft continues to wage a multi-milliondollar war against that most pernicious of Islamist radicals: the porn industry.

    The narrow-minded and the short-sighted have seen these crucial steps as at best a useless distraction or at worst an infringement upon basic constitutional liberties. As always, the Medium Lobster has nothing but pity for these deluded souls. The war America is fighting is in fact part of a larger war - a war to protect Western civilization and the American way of life from those that would destroy it. And Indecency, and the dark sweaty corruption it promises, threatens indeed to destroy it. Americans must acknowledge that censoring shock-jocks and arresting fluffers is another crucial front in the ongoing battle to roll back the Islamist assault on freedom.

    As part of the freest society in the world, you, too have a duty to perform in this fight. You must contribute to the cause. Which is why the Medium Lobster wants you to volunteer your services to Attorney General John Ashcroft and FCC Chairman Michael Powell by signing their agencies up to receive massive amounts of porn via email. To defeat one's enemy, one must first know one's enemy - even if it means enduring excrutiating hours of hot barely-legal Asian teen anal action.

    Do it for your country.
    posted by the Medium Lobster at 9:47 AM
    Tuesday, April 27, 2004

    The Medium Lobster does not often deign to acknowledge the success of linear beings, but the recent maneuverings of the Bush/Cheney campaign in exposing the deadly scandal now known as "Ribbon-Medalgate" demand his muted and salutatory applause. In one fell swoop they have crippled the now-moribund Kerry campaign by exposing the dark underbelly of John Kerry's past he's so desperately attempted to keep hidden from the world: his Vietnam service.

    In a brilliant move, the Bush-Cheney team has simultaneously managed to:

    Remind voters of Kerry's five medals, which are not generally associated with valor, military experience, and service to one's country, but of the vital question of whether or not John Kerry was hit by enough shrapnel to merit two or three of his Purple Hearts!

    Remind voters of Kerry's opposition to Vietnam, a war supported to this day by the vast majority of Americans. The Bush team is bound to make miles of headway by associating Kerry with the movement to end American military involvement in Indochina while positioning themselves as pro-Vietnam War hawks by default - especially after launching their own "land war in Asia" with Iraq!

    Bring up Vietnam once again in the middle of the Iraq conflict, both swimmingly successful military operations which can only benefit by further comparison and juxtaposition to one another!

    Prompt further comparisons of Kerry and Bush's war record, from which Bush can only benefit, as he spent the war valiantly defending the office lounges of Alabama from the vicious assault of the Viet Cong while John Kerry was dastardly earning medal upon medal just so he could throw them away - or worse, not throw them away - in disservice to America's war effort.

    Indeed, it is difficult to imagine how the Bush team could have done any better - without, of course, enlisting the aid of the Medium Lobster.
    posted by the Medium Lobster at 1:56 PM

    Giblets was happy to hear last week that when Iraq becomes a free and sovereign nation on June 30 it will not in fact become a free and sovereign nation. This is good because as we learned before it was being sovereign that got Iraq into all their trouble. If they had an "older wiser" country like the US to tell them what to do would they have gone invading and threatening countries and building weapons of mass destruction? Maybe, but then it would have been invading and threatening the right countries and building good weapons of mass destruction. Bow before Giblets's world hegemon, Iraq! Booooooow!

    But Giblets is afraid we may not be going far enough here. The current plan is to create an Iraqi government without legislative or meaningful executive power. But it is still an Iraqi government with the all the illusion of sovereignty: Iraqi puppets, Iraqi figureheads. At this rate they might get puffed-up enough to start pretend-oppressing their people or declaring fake war on their neighbors. Sometimes a little freedom is too much freedom. Better to install a democracy-minded Americo-Gibletsian strongman to keep things from getting out of line.

    Giblets will volunteer for the burdensome task and weighty responsibility. I am eminently qualified to rule a foreign land harshly and without mercy. But at the same time I am very "democracy-minded." Giblets thinks about democracy all the time. "Hmmm, democracy" I am thinking right now. I will be moving my stuff into Bremer's place on July 1st.
    posted by Giblets at 11:58 AM

    So last week me and Giblets were sittin around when we found out while payin riveted attention to World News and Whatsis that there is no rule at the Pottery Barn that says "you break it you bought it."

    "Wow what a useful thing to know," I says. "Now I will not feel so intimidated next time I bring a bison into Pottery Barn."
    "Even better," says Giblets. "Now this means we can break everything at the Pottery Barn and they will be helpless before us!"
    "Well," I says. "In theory."
    "Helpless!" says Giblets.
    "Well," I says. "Wouldn't be very nice to the Pottery Barn."
    "Heeeeeeellllpless," says Giblets."
    "Well," I says. Sometimes there is nothin you can say to Giblets. It is like that time he was set on transformin the Middle East.

    So Giblets goes down to the Pottery Barn and I go after him to try to get him to stop and to maybe get something at the frogurt stand which is a couple stores down and Giblets starts by picking up a glass bowl and says "oops" and dropping it. "Powerless before Giblets!" says Giblets. There is much broken bowl. Store people are upset. Then he goes over to a set of glassware and goes "whoops" and it is dropped again. "Behold the mighty hand of Giblets!" says Giblets. When store people come over he shows them article from Newsday saying they have no policy to deal with him. "Are you saying your company lied to Newsday?" says Giblets. "Are you saying you have needlessly besmirched the reputation of Colin Powell? Well then you are helpless before Giblets, helpless, bow before him! Whoops." More pottery breaks.

    "C'moooon Giblets," I says. "Stooooop it."
    "Giblets is busy," says Giblets.
    "You are hurting the Pottery Barn," I says. "It is an innocent barn made of pottery."
    "Dance for Giblets!" Giblets says to the Pottery Barn.

    We stayed there all weekend, Giblets breakin the Pottery Barn and me eating frogurt. It was good frogurt. Giblets wanted to stay until the next supply truck came but I told him we had to go.

    So I am sorry internet! Two weekends in a row we at Fafblog have let you down by deserting you in times of crisis by leaving Fafnir and Giblets in some weird place for days and days. "And the Medium Lobster is not reliable," I says. "Very true," says Giblets. "The Medium Lobster transcends reliability," I says.

    It won't happen again. Probably. Maybe. Sorta.
    posted by fafnir at 10:36 AM

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