Saturday, April 26, 2003

People ask me, they say "Faf how come you don't update so much so often?"

It's cause I'm busy. An lazy. Real lazy. I got, like. A whole lotta sittin' to do.
posted by fafnir at 10:02 AM

dir: The Coca Cola Company
starring: Tropical Sprite Remix

So, lotsa people been askin me "Faf, when are you gonna review the bran new Tropical Sprite Remix soft drink that is bran new and out in stores as we speak?" Well I am going to do that right now. You may wait no longer to see if Tropical Sprite Remix is or is not the drink for you.

Tropical Sprite Remix has a hearty, clear complexion and a good fizz. When you first taste it you're like 'Man I am drinkin some Sprite!" But you are NOT just drinkin some Sprite. You are drinkin new TROPICAL Sprite. Remix.

Shortly after the first taste of Sprite comes the next flavor, diligently prepared by teams of flavor scientists. It tastes like fruit. Bubbly, candy fruit. Kind of like you stuck a bunch a skittles in a blender and shot carbonation in it. That is Tropical Sprite Remix for you. That is its delightfulness summed up right there.

So you're drinkin an the Sprite-taste is replaced by the bubbly liquid Skittles taste and you kind of go "Huh! This is quite odd and different! I had not expected liquid Skittles in any form, much less bubbly ones!" And you spend much of the rest of the time bein confused. DELICIOUSLY confused.

Do how does Tropical Sprite Remix stack up to previous soda experiments like Vanilla Coke and Dr. Pepper Red Fusion and Pepsi Mint? Well I think Tropical Sprite Remix is gonna be the new Pepsi Blue of the season is what. We all remember Pepsi Blue's delicious taste of cotton candy and Pepsi, which intrigued and confused so many. Tropical Sprite Remix will pick up where Pepsi Blue left off.

So if you want a drink that'll be like a bunch of liquid Skittles with some bubbles thrown in then hey! This is the drink for you. I give it two Fafs up.
posted by fafnir at 9:59 AM
Sunday, April 20, 2003

Today which is my BIRTHDAY thank you very much has a buncha people runnin around sayin stuff like "Happy Easter Jesus!" and "Have an egg Jesus!" and "Thank you for dyin for my sins Jesus!" Well thats all fine and dandy Jesus but WHAT HAPPENED TO MY BIRTHDAY HUH?

Yeah yeah Chris and Giblets and some other people got me some presents and said "Yay Faf we love you Faf hooray Faf" but what about the world? Does the world know it is Fafday, known by the Fafnirian calendar as the first of Fafnir, before the Gregorian calendar came an messed things up? Stupid Pope Gregory.

I know I'm bein cranky well y'know what nobody spoiled YOUR birthday by dyin and comin back to life for YOUR sins huh! So there. And thanks a bunch Jesus. Thanks for nothin. Oh and thanks for dying for my sins that was actually sweet.
posted by fafnir at 5:06 PM
Friday, April 18, 2003

Sunday is my birthday! Everybody give me presents!

"But Fafnir," you say because you are very observant, "Sunday is Easter! I will be busy doing Eastery things like playing with candy eggs and decorating trees made of licorice and baking children in pies!"
That's all good, you, but do you know WHY you celebrate Easter every year?
"Cause Jesus came back from the dead?"
No! Don't make me hit you with the waffle cause I will!
"Cause of the easter bunny?"
That's it! Here comes the waffle! Giblets bring out the waffle!
"Please do not hit me with the waffle Fafnir! I want to hear where Easter comes from!"

OK then. Easter - listen up - IS FAFNIR'S BIRTHDAY. Every year people celebrate Fafnir's birthday with the bunnies and the painted eggs and the candy and the horrible children. It is Part Of My Grand Design.

"So what about Jesus?" says you. "Didn't he die for my sins."

Well I dunno but back in the day I sent Jesus a post card sayin "Hey Jesus my birthday's comin up, if you're plannin on dyin and comin back jus' dont do it on my birthday, OK? Cause Fafnir's birthday is for Fafnir. Thanks Jesus! Love, Fafnir." And he went and died and came back on my birthday anyway. So Jesus may have died for your sins but he was very rude to me doin it.

So Sunday celebrate Fafnir's birthday with the eggs and the bunnies and the candy and the children-pies and the GIVING ME PRESENTS. Jesus would want you to do that if he wasn't so busy being Jesus. I bet he's real sorry for crashing my birthday.
posted by fafnir at 8:41 AM
Wednesday, April 16, 2003

So I was away again this week, but this time I was in North Korea interviewin Kim Jong Il. Now I know what you're thinkin, you're thinkin "Fafnir, how come you didn't update your blog from North Korea? North Korea has the Internet. The Internet is EVERYWHERE!" Yes it is. It is like God that way. God and cabbage. You cannot get rid of those three things they are mostly everywhere. God and cabbage and the internet. And bugs. And people who do not like raw potato skins. And mole-men. And cabbage.

But when I asked to see a computer for the internet the North Koreans gave me an etch-a-sketch connected to a modem. I believed the etch-a-sketch was a capable device but there was no way I could effectively use it to teleconference with Giblets and Chris in the United States over a simple phone line so that was that.

Now Kim Jong Il may be an evil dictator but I have to say he is a first-rate host. When I arrived at his royal palace in Jongaville (formerly Pyongyang) I was given a royal welcome and allowed to have tea with the president an his collection of antique Victorian dolls. The president wore his very best sun dress for the occasion and looked very pretty. The following is the entire Fafblog interview.

FAFBLOG: This is real good tea.
KIM JONG IL: It was MADE FROM THE BRAINS OF MY SLAVES!
FB: Well it's real good brains then.
KJI: This is joke. It is just tea.
FB: Okay.
KJI: I don't know where tea comes from.
FB: You know I don't know either? I think bees get involved in it.
KJI: I thought that was honey.
FB: That's HONEY bees. TEA bees make TEA.
KJI: You're so smart, Fafnir. I should have you work for me.
FB: I bet you pay more than Chris does! Chris pays me nothin. And he eats chicken all day.
KJI: Eating chicken is a grave insult in my homeland!
FB: Really!
KJI: I don't know. I just got here. I have been hiding in Mexico in a barrel of pickles for most of my life.
FB: That's an important experience to have, I used to live in a box.
KJI: I have developed a terrible aversion to pickles.
FB: Oh no! That's bad.
KJI: I have had all pickles eradicated from my land. All those found in possession of pickles or pickling equipment are summarily executed.
FB: See this is where terrible oppression comes from Jong.
KJI: Not even saurkraut is spared.
FB: In World War II they called saurkraut "liberty cabbage" cause it was German! And they called Germany "CandyLand"!
KJI: Wow! I didn't know that!
FB: To this day Germans are made of candy.
KJI: Listen Fafnir. The Americans must NEVER know of my pickle weakness or they will exploit it.
FB: You're meeting with America soon, right?
KJI: America and China.
FB: Wow, that will be one very large room.
KJI: China is too fat. We will never get all of China into the room I think.
FB: Will you serve them tea?
KJI: No, probably just some soda and chips.
FB: Will the soda include Coke, Kim Jong Il?
KJI: Perhaps.
FB: Vanilla Coke?
KJI: The official position of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea is that it has no Vanilla Coke!
FB: What Pepsi? You goin with regular Pepsi or the lemon kind?
KJI: I HATE lemon Pepsi! Why all these questions! You've asked enough questions!
FB: Pepsi Blue?
KJI: THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER! OUT! OUT NOW! OUT!

And that is my interview with Kim Jong Il. I wish it coulda gone longer but as a reporter sometimes you have to ask hard-hitting questions that jeopardize the interview itself.

We can only speculate how many carbonated beverages Kim Jong Il has, but anonymous sources (Giblets) say he's got like at least a case a Code Red in the fridge in his basement.
posted by fafnir at 11:53 PM

I went to www.fafnir.com today. It turns out I am a company called Fafnir Sensors and Systems, which produces level measurement technology. Fafnir is a pioneer in the field of overfill and filling safety devices.

So that kinda, dunno. Makes me a lil sad. I was hopin I'd be, like, a big splodey dragon, or an easter egg factory, or a roller coaster. But I guess filling safety devices is okay. I guess.

Giblets gets to be an Everquest lunch box. I don't know why he gets to be somethin fun. But Chris just gets to be some guy in a checkered shirt who makes letter art so I guess y'know, he's not much better off than what I'm doin with the filling safety devices.

I'm gonna go get a soda cause that'll cheer me up. A soda without any stupid level measurement crap in it.
posted by fafnir at 11:12 PM
Friday, April 11, 2003

Very few of you have tried to win Giblets's bag of Cheetos in the "Where's Giblets?" contest. Shame on you people! You lack ambition! You lack the thrill of conquest! You lack sufficient desire for Giblets's Cheetos! Let me explain again that THESE CHEETOS ARE NOT YOURS AND YOU CAN HAVE THEM. They are in fact Giblets's. I am holding them right now, they are in a very big bag. The bag says they are Dangerously Cheesey. The startled expression on the cartoon cheetah serves to illustrate this point.

"Gimme back my Cheetos," says Giblets. No Giblets you can't have them they are for the contest. Now everyone go win! Win for Giblets! 'S Cheetos.
posted by fafnir at 12:49 AM

So I was in this store a Chris's, an I saw this duck, and I squeezed the duck, cause, y'know, why not? You squeeze ducks, that's what I do, I squeeze ducks. An I squeeze the duck and it goes "quaaaack" like a duck which is all very nice and pleasing. And next to the duck there is a cow and I squeeze it and it goes "mooooooo" like a cow. And I think "Well I'm pickin up on the pattern here!" and then there's a hippo next to the cow and when I squeeze it, it makes a giggly sound, "heegle hee heegle hee!" like a baby.

The hippo making baby noises got me kind of upset and confused and scared and fuzzy-feeling and strange all at once and I didn't like it. "Bad hippo!" I said. "Stop being a baby!" I figured that might've made it learn its lesson but when I tried again it still made baby sounds. "Bad hippo!" I said. "Bad, bad hippo!"

When happy baby noises are comin out of a hippo it's just not right, it means either a baby's turned into a hippo or a hippo's turnin into a baby or a hippo's eaten a baby. That's the one I figured on accounta the hippo was real fat.

Well the people who ran the store were gettin mad at me, like "Sir you can't yell at the hippo sir please" and I tried tellin em that I wasn't the one who ate a baby, y'know. But Chris told me it'd be best if we just went on our little way before they threw us out. People always make funny faces at me in stores.

I said goodbye to the hippo and the baby before we left. It still laughed. I guess the baby didn't mind being eaten by the hippo. I will never understand babies.
posted by fafnir at 12:40 AM
Wednesday, April 9, 2003

Someone has told me that the war just ended. Well loo-de-doo smarty-pants! That's what I say. Loo-dee-doo.

I dunno. Even if Baron Saddam is defeated and Emperor Bush now controls the vast resources of the Spice, doesn't this mean that the Space Guild will want to destroy America all the more? That's what I think. This thing could have like six more books in it easy.
posted by fafnir at 3:42 PM

I bet you're all wonderin "Hey Faf! Where you been!"
Well, I been -
"HEY FAF!" you go. "WHERE YOU BEEN FAF!"
Well, I hadda -
"HEY FAF!" you're still goin. "TELL US WHERE YOU BEEN FAF! TELL US NOW! WHERE YOU BEEN FAF!"
Hey -
"TELL US TELL US TELL US!"
I'm -
"C'MOOOOOOOOOON -"
HEY! SHUT UP AN BE QUIET you loud asking person! Man I don't know whats wrong with people this day an age you gotta thing in your head and thats where the other thing goes is what.

I been in the War thing coverin the War. Fafnir is an embedded reporter. Me an Giblets have been embedded with some US troops, the One Hundred Eleventy-Twelvth Infantro-Air-Caval-Borne-Thing. Musket. They have guns. Giblets says he could beat em all real easy. One of em goes "Hey that ain't true I can take you Giblets!" And Giblets says "Can not you stupid toy! You dance for me! Dance for Giblets!" Then there was a fight and the army guys got made an they stuck us in a box for punishment and said we were grounded from reporting till supper.

It is hot and dangerous in the desert. Already we have gotten lost many times. Our only source of sustenance is the Coby's Ice Cream stands we keep running across and though Giblets likes Coby's Ice Cream I feel that their frozen custard leaves much to be desired and their milkshakes are a little watery. The One Hundred Eleventy-Twelvth Infantro-Air-Caval-Borne-Thing. Musket. does not eat Coby's Ice Cream because of the Discipline.

Already three of the men have been eaten by Sandworms. But the General says we will not leave Iraq until we have siezed Saddam and the mysterious Spice, for he who controls the Spice controls the universe.

From the War, this is Fafnir.
posted by fafnir at 3:35 PM

Cause it's got too mucha this guy and too little a this.
posted by fafnir at 3:23 PM
Sunday, April 6, 2003

I found a quiche on the sidewalk yesterday. Just a whole quiche just sittin there. It looked sad, and it made me sad, so I thought "Well Faf this is the kinda thing you always wanna make the world a better place about" so I picked it up and took it home and let it sit there by the fireplace. "There's a good quiche!" I said. And the quiche perked right up. You could tell it was a whole lot happier inside.

The thing they never tell you about wild quiche is how big they get. Today it was TWICE THE SIZE. And now it had BACON in.

"Fafnir what is this quiche doin here?" says Chris.
"Mmmmm... nothin," says me.
"Looks pretty big to be doin nothin," says Chris.
"I GOTTA GO PAINT THE MONKEY!" says me and I run off to pretend to paint the monkey. In reality our monkey required no extra coats of paint. Chris may be gettin suspicious.

What do you feed a quiche? I gotta find out. SEND SUGGESTIONS NOW!
posted by fafnir at 3:38 AM
Wednesday, April 2, 2003

So some of you been asing "Hey Fafnir where were you these last couple days?" Well people, I was being a Respectable Journalist by flyin to Kuwait to report on the War in Iraq. Thats right I am now a war reporter.

Perhaps you saw me on CNN's "Wolf Blitzer Reports" on Monday. I was on the air for a full hour talkin with Wolf Blitzer. I can say with all honesty that Wolf has a very nice beard, it is stylish and very kempt. Some people with beards, they look like they grow beards cause they don't care bout shaving. The beard hangs out all long and sad and gets food stuck in it. That is a sad beard. That is a beard nobody loves. Wolf Blitzer loves his beard and he should too. It is a fine beard. It is a ladykillin beard if I say so myself.

On account of the press restrictions we couldn't talk much specifically about the war, so for an hour we talked about how much sand we thought there was in Iraq an what would happen if you poured a giant bucket of water all over the sand and could you live in a house made of sand like the eskimos live in igloos? You think you can do that Wolf? Wolf wasn't sure.

We also talked at length about my recipe for hot cross buns which are quite delicious. Wolf had some as did retired General Wesley Clark who then commented on the military and strategic significance of my hot cross buns. Evidently they are quite significant, who knew! The people of Kuwait loves the hot cross buns so much that Fafnir's Hot Cross Buns are now authentic Kuwaiti cuisine eaten throughout the land.

Giblets came with me to Kuwait too, but he spent most of the time throwing things at people and yelling "MY Kuwait! MINE! DANCE FOR ME!" and did not endear himself to the nation.

Next week I hope to interview Kim Jong Il.
posted by fafnir at 10:18 AM
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