Wednesday, April 16, 2003

So I was away again this week, but this time I was in North Korea interviewin Kim Jong Il. Now I know what you're thinkin, you're thinkin "Fafnir, how come you didn't update your blog from North Korea? North Korea has the Internet. The Internet is EVERYWHERE!" Yes it is. It is like God that way. God and cabbage. You cannot get rid of those three things they are mostly everywhere. God and cabbage and the internet. And bugs. And people who do not like raw potato skins. And mole-men. And cabbage.

But when I asked to see a computer for the internet the North Koreans gave me an etch-a-sketch connected to a modem. I believed the etch-a-sketch was a capable device but there was no way I could effectively use it to teleconference with Giblets and Chris in the United States over a simple phone line so that was that.

Now Kim Jong Il may be an evil dictator but I have to say he is a first-rate host. When I arrived at his royal palace in Jongaville (formerly Pyongyang) I was given a royal welcome and allowed to have tea with the president an his collection of antique Victorian dolls. The president wore his very best sun dress for the occasion and looked very pretty. The following is the entire Fafblog interview.

FAFBLOG: This is real good tea.
KIM JONG IL: It was MADE FROM THE BRAINS OF MY SLAVES!
FB: Well it's real good brains then.
KJI: This is joke. It is just tea.
FB: Okay.
KJI: I don't know where tea comes from.
FB: You know I don't know either? I think bees get involved in it.
KJI: I thought that was honey.
FB: That's HONEY bees. TEA bees make TEA.
KJI: You're so smart, Fafnir. I should have you work for me.
FB: I bet you pay more than Chris does! Chris pays me nothin. And he eats chicken all day.
KJI: Eating chicken is a grave insult in my homeland!
FB: Really!
KJI: I don't know. I just got here. I have been hiding in Mexico in a barrel of pickles for most of my life.
FB: That's an important experience to have, I used to live in a box.
KJI: I have developed a terrible aversion to pickles.
FB: Oh no! That's bad.
KJI: I have had all pickles eradicated from my land. All those found in possession of pickles or pickling equipment are summarily executed.
FB: See this is where terrible oppression comes from Jong.
KJI: Not even saurkraut is spared.
FB: In World War II they called saurkraut "liberty cabbage" cause it was German! And they called Germany "CandyLand"!
KJI: Wow! I didn't know that!
FB: To this day Germans are made of candy.
KJI: Listen Fafnir. The Americans must NEVER know of my pickle weakness or they will exploit it.
FB: You're meeting with America soon, right?
KJI: America and China.
FB: Wow, that will be one very large room.
KJI: China is too fat. We will never get all of China into the room I think.
FB: Will you serve them tea?
KJI: No, probably just some soda and chips.
FB: Will the soda include Coke, Kim Jong Il?
KJI: Perhaps.
FB: Vanilla Coke?
KJI: The official position of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea is that it has no Vanilla Coke!
FB: What Pepsi? You goin with regular Pepsi or the lemon kind?
KJI: I HATE lemon Pepsi! Why all these questions! You've asked enough questions!
FB: Pepsi Blue?
KJI: THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER! OUT! OUT NOW! OUT!

And that is my interview with Kim Jong Il. I wish it coulda gone longer but as a reporter sometimes you have to ask hard-hitting questions that jeopardize the interview itself.

We can only speculate how many carbonated beverages Kim Jong Il has, but anonymous sources (Giblets) say he's got like at least a case a Code Red in the fridge in his basement.
posted by fafnir at 11:53 PM




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