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Tuesday, April 20, 2004
Must the Medium Lobster respond to the allegations of vast pervasive incompetance and deception coming from every former top administration official or nationally-celebrated investigative reporter? Alas, it appears the weary answer is yes.
The latest behind-the-scenes-nightmare book has arrived to us courtesy of Bob Woodward, who has set the leftist media afire with claims that Saudi ambassador Prince Bandar was notified of the impending Iraq invasion before Colin Powell was, and that Bandar struck a deal to lower oil prices just before the presidential election. John Kerry has said "If it is true... that is outrageous and unacceptable to the American people." How absurd! If it is true, then all the more reason for the American people to salute and support the genius and leadership of the Bush Administration. Consider: if Saudi ambassador Prince Bandar was notified of Bush's decision to go to war before Powell was, one can only conclude that the Saudi ambassador is more important to the Bush administration than the Secretary of State. And the reason for that is clear to any who have the vision to see through the tangled web of international intrigue: Prince Bandar is a Saudi mole in the employ of the American government, working at the highest levels to subvert and co-opt his own jihadist nation! Working closely with Bush and Cheney, he skillfully delivered Saudi Arabia into its quasi-partial-acceptance of the war to protect America from the menace of Saddam and is now working on a plan to reinigorate the US economy using his own country's oil supply! And by the looks of things the plan was to have this occur right in time for the election in order to protect America from the possibility of a terror-endorsed Kerry presidency! Prince Bandar and George Bush. Is there anything these two mighty patriots can't accomplish for the good of freedom?
posted by the Medium Lobster at 8:04 PM
This week Slate is covering The Great American Pie Festival. "Wow Fafnir you must have been at this festival" you immediately assume "because of course you are the worlds first and foremost authority online or offline regarding pies." That's true I am and thank you very much! But I was not at the festival last weekend because (1) I was stuck in a parking lot and (2) I was not informed of the festival until it was too late.
 Take a look at this pie. Is this the Great American Pie? Do ghostly buffalo still run in packs across its vast plains? Does everyone who sees it aspire to be part of it coming from every country around the world to taste its crust of opportunity, its fruit filling of entrepreneurial spirit? Is this pie the shining pie on the hill?No. This is the pie of regret. This is the "you were not there Fafnir" pie. This is the "we're all eating this pie over at Slate and you're not Fafnir" pie. This is a hard pie. Is it not a tasty pie but you must eat it nonetheless. Wash it down with milk. Smother it with ice cream and cherries. The flavor of regret will still come through. There will be other pies. But you will never forget this one. Stupid pie. Labels: pie
posted by fafnir at 1:02 PM
Everyone probably already saw John Kerrys interview on Sunday with Tim Russert on Meet the Press. Well here at Fafblog we ask the hard-hitting questions Russert not your pansy softball questions! Here we are real journalists. The following is Fafblog's interview with John Kerry which I swear is much better than our previous interviews with John Kerry.
FAFBLOG: These are delicious shrimp. JOHN KERRY: I know. FB: Now John Kerry you said back around Vietnamtime that soldiers were commiting atrocities and "There are all kinds of atrocities and I would have to say that, yes, yes, I committed the same kind of atrocities as thousands of other soldiers have committed." What is up with that? Will you be pro- or anti-atrocity as president? JK: Ho ho... whew, y'know what, Fafnir? Kids say the darndest things. When you're young and hip and full of the heady lust for life, really, what doesn't look like an atrocity? FB: Yknow that is very true. Now back in 2000 you talked about Cuba and you said "We have a frozen, stalemated counterproductive policy that is not in humanitarian interests nor in our larger credibility interest in the region... The only reason we don't reevaluate the policy is the politics of Florida." JK: Right. FB: So if you became president would you get rid of the embargo on Cuba then because the only thing keeping us is the power of crazy Cubans in Florida? JK: Heh heh heh. Nobody's talking about getting rid of the embargo, Fafnir! That's crazy talk. Crazy talk from the crazy days of four years ago. So much has changed since four years ago! Punk is back! Donald Trump has a TV show! Up is down! FB: Ha ha, punk! JK: No, Fafnir, would I would do is take a much more decisive step: I'd wait for a general consensus of a plan of action to emerge from the Cuban and Cuban-American communities and evaluate that plan. FB: Wow - that does sound like a plan! Now there is a war in Iraq right now John Kerry which you have criticized a lot. But you also voted for it in 2002. Why did you vote for it? JK: Ha ha! 2002, wow! Who can look back that far? Strange, strange days! Look, Fafnir, I'm a different person now than I am then. You're a different person now than you were then. FB: It's true! I contain fewer carbs. JK: Who's to say how I voted for what bill to give who the power to invade where? Not me, Fafnir. That John Kerry feels like another John Kerry. FB: Well I am glad we had you here to sort these vital issues out here John Kerry! Thank you for coming! JK: My pleasure.
posted by fafnir at 11:42 AM
Monday, April 19, 2004
Do you like advertising and product placement? Sure you do! Well you will love this because as it turns out marketing agencies are pushing print magazines "to open the text of their editorial pages to product placements." Yknow this is somethin I have always wanted! I am sick and tired of reading Fareed Zakaria go on and on about what we must do to create a free and stable Iraq while having no idea what kind of SUV he drives. Television and movies tell me what to buy all the time. Why cant my newspaper?
Just imagine this! "Hi, I'm Paul Krugman. As I sat down at my computer to write up a scathing rebuke of the Bush administration's fiscal policy, I opened up a scathing, bubbling, fresh A&W Cream Soda. Ahhhh... now that's liberally refreshing!"See just reading that makes me want to guzzle down a cool cold A&W and thats not even the real Paul Krugman. Which is why I want the real Paul Krugman to endorse products! Maybe he doesnt drink A&W. Maybe he drinks Mountain Dew! Although that would be so strange. It would totally make me rethink Paul Krugman if he were a Mountain Dew drinker. Or maybe it would make me rethink Mountain Dew! Perhaps it would acquire a more learned, fiscally sound gravitas, a more respectable and mature tone I usually associate with Schweppes. The possibilities are endless! Or at least endful, but in a cheap, briefly kinda-interesting way.
posted by fafnir at 5:53 PM
So Giblets and I have to apologize. "Giblets apologizes for nothing," says Giblets. Well Fafblog has to apologize. For a lack of Fafblog over the past few days. Because you were left without Fafblog many of you did not know what to think of the changing world around you! "Oh no there is stuff going on - but I do not know what to think because I do not know what the bloggers of Fafblog think!" you thought. And this was sad. Very very sad.
But Giblets and I have a very good excuse. "Giblets excuses nothing," says Giblets. We spent the weekend in a parking lot doing important parking lot activities such as looking for ways out of the parking lot and hitting each other for gettin stuck in the parking lot and askin people "hey do you know where the way out of this parkin lot?" How we got stuck in the parkin lot is not important to our story especially seeing as I cannot remember it. What is important is the Learning And Growth Experiences we had. I learned about finding myself and the spirit of America. Giblets learned that if you eat a bag of circus peanuts in under five minutes you may require emergency medical attention. There were other things we learned too like how not to get out of a parking lot. For instance our first plan was to call a taxi and have them take us out of the parking lot but we first ran into an Orange Julius and I wanted an Orange Julius and then Giblets was all "No we should get a Raspberry Julius, it is by far the superior Julius" and we ended up buying two of every kind of Julius on the Orange Julius menu and when the taxi arrived we were sick and poor and the taxi took us nowhere. The lesson here is: always travel with enough money for both a taxi and double the menu of an Orange Julius. We also learned that when you have a cell phone you should use it wisely. Our next plan after the taxi was to call Chris and get a ride. This failed because (a) we had Chris's cell phone and Chris has no other type of phone and (b) we couldnt call anyone else because Giblets used up the cell phone calling his new ex-girlfriend Noodles. Giblets is still doing this now in fact. Giblets is highly persistent, you can say that for Giblets. "Come back to Giblets baby," says Giblets. "Come back to Giblets NOOOOOOW!" "That is the wrong approach Giblets," says me while Giblets redials. "What do you know you know nothing!" says Giblets. "Love Giblets! Giblets commands you to love Giblets!" "You are being perhaps too aggressive," says me. "Chicks do not like that." "Hmmmph! She is insolent!" says Giblets. "Also, she fears commitment." Well we could go on and on. "And we usually do," says Giblets. But we wont because we love you. Fafblog hearts the world.
posted by fafnir at 2:18 PM
It is heartening to see another victory for Western Civilization with the assassination and subsequent raising to martyr status of Hamas chief Abdel Aziz al-Rantissi by Israel on Saturday. Beings who lack the scope and insight of the Medium Lobster will offer pithy responses such as "violence begets violence" or "this will only provoke more terrorism." What these unenlightened mobs fail to see is that this is precisely the point. Only through the hideous and wanton exacerbation of terror can Western civilization truly defeat it.
Consider the facts. There is no way any reasonable policy professional - much less the prime minister of Israel - could expect the targeted assassination of a single terrorist figurehead less than a month before the targeted assassination of another lionized terrorist figurehead could actually reduce the amount of terror in Israel/Palestine. Any leader with an intellect greater than that of a grapefruit would realize that these actions will do nothing more than galvanize the most radical segments of the Palestinian populace into orchestrating bloodier and bloodier assaults on Israeli society. But this is exactly what Ariel Sharon is counting on: by further radicalizing Palestine, Sharon will provoke so many suicide bombings that Hamas's casualty rate will eventually pass its recruitment rate, and the terrorist group will be vanquished. A victory for peace! That Sharon is willing to do this at such a cost to his own people - markedly increased terrorism and fatalities - demonstrates his deep commitment to the peace process. He has even gone so far as to convince President Bush to endorse the permanent retention of Israeli settlements in the West Bank, a move that will not only speed up this dynamic "peace expectorant" in Israel, but in Iraq, where a deeper association between Israeli and American policy will be sure to provoke even more attacks on US troops, luring insurgents right out into the open where they can be more easily defeated. It is the Medium Lobster's understanding that Sharon will continue this path towards peace in earnest - bulldozing random villages, cracking down on curfew violations, and of course completing the security barrier that cuts across the West Bank. Indeed, it is hoped that the latest peace initiative to culminate with two Apache helicopters airlifting the Prime Minister's naked, bloated, wriggling form over the Temple Mount so he may personally defecate on the Dome of the Rock. Truly, these are wondrous times we live in, when terror stands ready to be vanquished and peace lies within our grasp - almost as heartening as seeing Vladimir Putin nourish Russia's fledgling democracy through the cultivation of an iron-fisted autocracy. But that is a story for another time.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 1:11 PM
Thursday, April 15, 2004
That was quick! Just a couple jello shots and Moqtada was up and ready to go. Yknow he is not such a bad guy once you get to know him for an evil right wing religious fanatic. It just goes to show you should always negotiate with Islamic fundamentalists.
posted by fafnir at 10:51 AM
"Light blogging?" you say. "From Fafblog? But I depend on it for all my news and opinions!" Yes thats true you do. But today I am very busy negotiating talks between the US, Iran and radical Shiite cleric Moqtada al-Sadr. He started off demandin a full theocratic Islamic state in Iraq and our counter-offer was a Rice Krispie Treat and a glow-in-the-dark yo-yo that quotes the Qur'an. He countered with the withdrawal of US troops from the holy city of Najaf and we countered with two Rice Krispie Treats and a packet of free movie passes good at any participating Leows. Now we are making some real progress!
Anyway we could be busy for a while here so don't wait up. I give you permission to yknow read other blogs and things on the internet. It is okay I will forgive you! P.S. Europe I know you are hearing things from this bin Laden person about a truce but dont you take it, or at least dont let him take it cheap. Make him pay through the nose. He sees chicks like you and he thinks you are vulnerable and can rip you off. When you show up to meet him bring a big strong authoritarian dictatorship with you like Russia or China to show you mean business like maybe you will rough him up and rollback his organization a little. Otherwise he will totally rip you off and add all kinds surplus factory charges and suicide bombs.
posted by fafnir at 10:20 AM
Wednesday, April 14, 2004
Giblets has noticed people getting all up in arms about the possibility of John Negroponte becoming US ambassador to Iraq just because he "lied to the public" and "covered up Central American death squads." Well, Giblets hears a lot of whining and criticism coming from the anti-death squads crowd, but where are their solutions? All I hear from them is "death squads are bad, death squads will not help our economy recover, death squads are not the solution to terror." Well what is? All Giblets hears is a lot of backwards-looking negativity from reactionary anti-death squads people, and not a lot of positive alternatives.
In the meantime who is to say that death squads aren't the "shot in the arm" that the Iraqi recovery needs right now? Giblets only hears one side offering a solution, people.
posted by Giblets at 2:46 PM
Well I have to say I am mighty embarrassed-looking right now. After all my doubts and things about Iraq and the war against terror and even the President himself I realized just how plain silly all that was at last night's Presidential press conference (or "presser" as we call it in the "industry"). Ladies and readers I am pleased to present you with key points from last nights conference and the knowledge that our resolve is strong!
On Iraq: On the 9/11 Commission: On our resolve: On the hideous bug invaders:
posted by fafnir at 1:11 PM
Hooray aren't you happy!
"Yes I am Fafnir! Now I can read Fafblog on my newsreadin machine which can accompany me wherever I wish. In the bathroom, in the sandwich parlor, in the bathroom of the sandwich parlor. Pretty much everywhere!" Yes your life has improved by extraordinary leaps and other leaps. You can find our Fafbloggy RSS xml syndicationalist address thing at[http://fafblog.blogspot.com/atom.xml], or just below the right column - that is the column that DOESN'T have the cool picture on it. It says "RSS" on it. See I have thought of everything. If there is a better way to do any of this please let me know. Chris has been lazy and career-focused and horribly vomiting and as such has not been very helpful here. Hmmmf.
posted by fafnir at 9:00 AM
Monday, April 12, 2004
There has been no end of late to the nakedly partisan criticism of the Bush Administration's plan to hand over civilian control of Iraq on June 30, and as usual, these critics merely do the work of the terrorists. George Bush has a plan, and that plan is to turn political control of Iraq over to an unspecified group or groups on June 30th. And as long as America stays the course and hands over control of the occupation according to this arbitrary deadline, the battle of civilization over chaotic evil will end in victory.
Recall that this is not merely a war against "terrorists." It is not some mere struggle to "liberate" an "oppressed people." Such limited concepts do not interest ones as lofty as the Medium Lobster. No, Iraq is part of a grander war: a battle between Civilization and the forces of Barbarian Evil. In this framework, it becomes clear to all enlightened beings that victory will arrive on June 30 regardless of who receives control of Iraq. What does a deadline indicate? A deadline indicates the individual's recognition of his subservience to a schedule, to a societal and temporal structure larger than himself. It is the very foundation of Civilization. Turning over one regime to another on schedule indicates that regime is now functioning within the proper norms of civilized society, indeed, that its origins stem from it. In this context, it doesn't matter whether the United States turns civilian authority over to the United Nations or the Interim Governing Council or the most extreme of Khomeini-ite theocrats. Indeed, it would actually work to America's advantage to turn over authority to terrorists come June 30, for then those same criminal savages would be necessarily converted to the cause of Western society, and be bound by the same crystalline structures of order and reason that bind America to stay the course. As the United States carries the great torch of Western enlightenment, let it pass to Iraq on time and on schedule - or America is no better than the savages who would put out that bright light altogether.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 11:31 PM
Well Giblets sees that Fafnir would have us run away from terrorists. I'm sure it would feel nice and cozy on the Moon, Fafnir, with your Moon-drinks and your Moon-women and your relaxing Moon-music. But you would be relaxing in defeat without honor - and leaving an unstable Mideast behind to be overrun by evil. There is only one solution which can save Iraq from deterioration now, and it involves massive, massive bombs.
Remember how it was a year ago? Giblets does. Fantastic explosions all over Baghdad, thousands dead, and Iraqis were happy to see American soldiers. Why? Not because we had "freed them" from a "brutal dictator." But because they had experienced loving discipline. The discipline that comes with mass destructuon. Now Giblets hears a lot of namby-pamby types going on about "we can't afford to alienate the Iraqis Giblets" or "violence begets violence Giblets." That is crap. An occupation is like a child. Or a woman. Or a bottle of fine wine, perhaps. The point is, you must approach it with the carrot and the stick. The stick is thousands of tons of explosives dropped on mosques and radical religious leaders. The carrot is thousands of tons of explosives NOT dropped on mosques and radical religious leaders. When you discipline a child he grows up stronger and with better character. When you discipline a country you get a pliant and reasonable country with liberal democratic values. Or you get massive escalating war, in which case we still win because we have much bigger guns. Either way things come out rosy.
posted by Giblets at 9:36 PM
So things are goin bad in Iraq. Now I was against the war from the beginning and as someone who got it right and realized that the war was going to be bad and ugly and bad, I have come to the conclusion that we have no choice but to withdraw all our stuff from Iraq.
"But Fafnir" you say, "doesn't that mean the Terrorists Win." No because I am terribly clever. When we withdraw from Iraq we won't just take our guns and tanks and soldiers, we will also take our Iraqis with us! That way the terrorists cannot take over Iraq because there will be no Iraqis to take over. If Iraq is so screwed up that we cant fix it, why isnt it so screwed up that Iraqis shouldnt have to live in it? I say pull Iraq out of Iraq. It is time for it to come home. "But where are we going to put twenty two million Iraqis Faf" you say. "That's like a lot of Iraqis." Well that's the best part! We move them to the Moon! Who wouldn't want to live on the Moon? I mean come on! It's the moon! It's so much better than Iraq! There's plenty of room, and being on the moon is like bein in the future. If you own a goat it becomes a moon-goat. When you put out a fatwa you are putting out a moon-fatwa. This alone would make Ayatollah Sistani's job ten times as fun! I mean I'd move to the Moon if it wasn't gonna be full of Iraqis! This will make our country stronger strategically while accomplishing the also strong goal of putting awesome stuff on the Moon. No one is saying this will be cheap. But nobody likes war. And everybody loves the Moon! Eventually we could withdraw all our problem countries to the Moon. Come on Iran! How much cooler would it be to be Iran... on the Moon? Israel we might have to move to Mars but that's okay, Mars is even cooler, it has water and that face thing and robot mummies! Some will say I am being prejudiced towards Israel here but that is not true, there are enough planetoids to go around to move all our trouble spots.
posted by fafnir at 8:42 PM
We are introducin a brand new feature here at Fafblog. Hooray you will love it!
"Wow Fafnir what is this brand new feature?" says you or perhaps your forcibly virus-installed pornographic screen saver. Well I'll tell you. It is called Point: Counterpoint: Counter-Counterpoint. Each week me, Giblets and the Medium Lobster will debate a Matter of Weighty Import in a three-column format. There's nothing you can't learn from a three-column format! "That is amazing Fafnir I am so excited already!" says your pornographic screensaver as it deposits tracking cookies onto your system. It sure is, screen saver. This week we will discuss Progress In Iraq! Have we had any, and if so what should we do with it? "That is quite amazing Fafnir, I have always wanted to know all of Fafblog's varying opinions on one subject at once!" says your pornographic screensaver as it reports your email address to numerous free v146ra suppliers. Well now you will know! And knowing is half the battle. The other half of the battle is very large guns. But are we winning either halves of these battles in Iraq? You don't know yet because you haven't read Point: Counterpoint: Counter-Counterpoint! I will go first today because I'm tallest. Giblets will go second because he is shortest. The Medium Lobster will go last because while to our limited perception he appears to be a lobster which is neither large nor small he in reality transcends the concept of size.
posted by fafnir at 2:58 PM
Sunday, April 11, 2004
Giblets has listened to a lot of people whine and complain about the so-called American institutions that're under so-called attack, like "marriage" and "civil liberties" and "the right to vote." Giblets would like to believe he has treated this piffle with the appropriate level of screeching disdain. But lately a true bastion of Western civilization has come under fire and Giblets will be damned if he will stand there and let Coca-Cola be abused like this.
Belle Waring of the blog John & Belle Have a Blog has used a lame argument about "oooh, oooh, agribusiness subsidies are huge corrupt and bad" to take a swipe at her real target: the enduring American institution that is Coke. She argues that Big Agribusiness's replacement of sugar with high fructose corn syrup has made Coke "taste bad." Coke bad? Please, Belle Waring. Burn Giblets's flag, destroy his Statue of Liberty, rip his still-beating heart from his chest and hold it triumphantly in front of him before squeezing it to mush - but do not disparage that sweet elixir, that beverage bastion of the Western world. That is too much. When Coke is filled with that corn syrup, it is American corn syrup, strong, saccharine sweetener fresh from the nation's heartland, land of the Indians and the buffalo and the pioneers and the factory farms. What would you have us put in it - cane sugar, imported from some strange foreign country, like they put in the Cokes of the French? Maybe if this were RC, or Tab, or even Mr Pib, we could allow it. They are just sodas in the end. They are not representing the pioneer spirit. But when you lift a cool, refreshing Coke to your lips you are not just drinking a cold, delicious, bubbling beverage. You're drinking America. The smooth, rich flavor of a newly-opened Coke is the flavor of America. The worldwide market dominance of Coke is the manifest destiny of America. Coke does not taste sweeter because of the sugar in its composition. It tastes sweeter because of the pride we have in our nation. After 9/11 Coke was so sweet and so refreshing it moved Giblets to tears. He drank twelve cases and required an emergency stomach-pump. No matter what happens to America, there will always be Coke. When the terrorists strike again, we will still have Coke. When a neo-fascist government takes over the United States, suspends the constitution, and imposes permanent matrial law, we will still have Coke. When the genetically-engineered underclass is forced into slave labor camps to build neutron bombs to fling against enemy empires, they will sit back after their toils and enjoy Coke. When aliens sift through the ashen ruins of human civilization centuries hence for some clue to who we once were, they will find a shimmering red can beneath the sands, pop it, guzzle, and understand. This was our gift to one another, our gift to the world. Christian, Muslim, gay, striaght, liberal, conservative, all of us everywhere can join in the dream. All of us can Enjoy Coke.
posted by Giblets at 6:37 PM
Today we briefly examine the birthday pie.
 This is the pie of benevolent universal celebratory continuation. It says "Wow Fafnir, you are still here, you are older, and you are you! Congratulations!" The Birthday Pie does not discriminate. Everyone gets a Birthday Pie! Gandhi got a birthday pie. Stalin got a birthday pie. Hobos and kings and saints all get birthday pies. The pie embraces all things and all people without judgment. It does not care that stole the candles to put on its frosting or that you are ugly or dumb, or that you are rich and important and kindly. It is there because you are, and it is extending you its bountiful pielike grace for a day to commemorate you, whoever or whatever you are, and it will see you again in a year if you make it. Take care of yourself. Labels: pie
posted by fafnir at 5:21 PM
Giblets has always had a complex relationship with God. On the one hand Giblets sympathizes with God; I too know the distant loneliness of being a mighty sovereign relatively unknown to billions of my subjects. On the other hand Giblets is angry with God's insolence: Create substance ex nihilo for Giblets, God! Create substance ex nihilo for Giblets NOOOOOOOOOW!
So Giblets does not know how to react to, say, Easter. Redemption and forgiveness do not do much for me because why would Giblets need redemption and forgiveness, after all, he is Giblets! That said, there is one thing about God Giblets can really get into, and that is this notion of annihilating the insolent in fiery destruction at the end of the world. I found out about God's personal plan for me and the annihilation of mankind through the Left Behind series. But because Giblets does not bother himself with "conventional" reading, Giblets read Left Behind: The Graphic Novel and the children's series Left Behind: The Kids. Just because you are a confused pre-adolescent just coming to grips with new feelings and new situations doesn't mean you're not old enough to be forcibly drawn into a battle of good-versus-evil between the angelic forces of righteous destruction and the Satanic new world order of the Antichrist's U.N.-based one-world kingdom. But the problem is, when is this Armageddon thing gonna go down? Giblets has been waiting for it for like forever, for days even. There are countless evil people still alive and undamned, from terrorists to fools who do not serve Giblets to ugly people. How long, O Lord, how long shall the wicked triumph? Today the Pope talked about "fighting terror with love:" "May the culture of life and love render vain the logic of death," he said.Sounds pretty soft to me for a guy who is supposed to be looking forward to the the falling of the star Wormwood, the destruction of every blade of green grass, and the unleashing of the rider on the pale horse whose name is Death. Sounds to Giblets like the Pope's gettin' a little soft on the likes of Satan. Maybe the Pope better start asking himself whose side he's on anyway. For that matter whose side is God on, anyway? Why is his Son the "Prince of Peace"? He got some kind of conflict of interest here? I look back on two thousand years, I see a lot of genocide, a lot of famine and pestilence, not enough world-ending. Well, God, if you're not up to the task, maybe you should just step aside and let some other folks handle the job. I think there'd be plenty of people who'd be more than willing.
posted by Giblets at 3:12 PM
Thanks for dyin for my sins, Jesus. And since it is still Passover I would also like to thank the Angel of Death for passin over me and God for leading me out of Egypt (I was lost there last summer). Eggs and birthday pies and unleavened pancakes for everyone!
posted by fafnir at 12:03 PM
Everyone is too busy paintin eggs and eatin sheep and playin with kids and talkin Jesus and paintin sheep and eatin kids and playin Jesus to celebrate little ol Faf's birthday. All I got today was a couple lousy presents from Giblets and Chris and a phone call from the Pope which I could not understand because it was Latin and Polish. You coulda showed up for the cake Pope.
Anyway. It is Fafday. The world is born anew in cake! Happy birthday to you and to everyone. Cept Jesus - upstagin my birthday with the promise of everlasting life. Lousy Jesus.
posted by fafnir at 11:04 AM
Friday, April 9, 2004
Well Giblets has noticed a lot of pussy-footed liberals like Andrew Sullivan getting upset about a local church having the Easter Bunny flogged in front of children. Okay, it was only Andrew Sullivan. Nevertheless.
Giblets thinks flogging the Easter Bunny is a great idea. It'll get some "old school" religion into kids which is what I am told we need more of these days, especially to Combat the Decay of the West. It might not make the fluffy light-entertainment "oh-we-like-the-Easter-Bunny" people happy. But it will remind all of us of the brutal and terrible sacrifice the Easter Bunny made when he suffered and died for our sins, which so many Americans take for granted these days.
posted by Giblets at 11:09 AM
Thursday, April 8, 2004
It is Maundy Thursday and I am feelin pretty maundy right now. "Maundy Thursday" is the Thursday before Easter. Easter is known to a lot of people as the day Jesus came back from the dead. Even more people ought to know that Easter is also Fafday, also known as my birthday. It is not my fault Jesus came back from the dead on my birthday. I politely asked him to wait but instead he decided to be rude inconsiderate and the redeemer of all mankind. We are still not on the best of terms over this.
"Maundy" comes from the word "mandate" and refers to the "mandate" Jesus gave to his followers to love one another. "Did he only do this once on a Thursday?" I says to Giblets. "No wonder it didn't sink in," says Giblets. Anyway tonight I am givin everybody my new mandate: give me presents for my birthday (which is Sunday) (often confused with Easter). Last year I explained all this to everybody but I got screwed outta presents by Jesus anyway. So I am givin you one more chance world. Make it good! Lousy world forgettin my birthday.
posted by fafnir at 7:40 PM
There has been a lot of talk about God lately. He has his own Supreme Court case. He has his own movie and action-adenvture fiction series. He had that cool idol thing to the Ten Commandments that people in Alabama could pray to to get their parking tickets reduced! For a high-profile celeb he has been getting pretty good press except for yknow the holy wars and clashes of civilizations East and West and whatnot. So I decided it was time for Fafblog to drop by and interview God again.
FAFBLOG: So who do you like in the Holy War God? GOD: I like the atheists. FB: And college basketball? GOD: I still like the atheists. FB: So lets talk about your current projects. What is new for God? GOD: Thy God has just worked out a covenant most holy with McDonald's. Behold the McGod™ Chicksandwich with Divine Sauce, in whom I am well-pleased. Appearing nationwide in participating locations this summer. FB: I dunno if that's a good idea God. What with the high obesity rate and all... GOD: First you drive God from His courthouse, then you would drive Him from His sandwich? Thou shalt not chase thy God from the public sphere! FB: I'm sorry God! I'm sure it is a very tasty sandwich. GOD: It is more than tasty. It is a Godly sandwich, because it has the God™ brand name! Eat your Godwich. FB: I cant God. I am a vegetarian. GOD: Eat your God now! Supersize Him! He comes with a GigantoCoke and a Superbloat order of Godly fries! FB: Godly fries look suspiciously like curly fries. GOD: Curly fries are merely curly. Godly fries carry the transcendent and incomprehensible mystery and grace of an omniscient, omnipotent, omnibenevolent being. FB: Okay God lets move on from the sandwich and talk about some other things. There is a big debate about gay marriage in America, where is God on that? GOD: I also have a new TV series coming out this fall: God: Special Crime Investigations! Jerry Orbach plays the hard-nosed tough-talking cop who's seen it all. I play the all-powerful end-all and be-all of the cosmos who dishes out Judeo-Christian justice in a surprisingly ferocious yet approachably non-denominational manner! FB: You see God this is why I don't come to visit as much anymore. We used to talk about the transcendence of the spirit and the healing power of forgiveness and now you just plug your commemorative coins and your appearance on The View. GOD: The Lord thy God must keep name rebranding to sustain dominance in a competitive market. FB: Even so I feel something is somehow missing. Where is the concern for the little people? Where is the love for Glofish? GOD: All things and concepts will eventually become worthy of God branding. Yea, as you do unto the coin and the hamburger and the glofish, so you do also unto Me. FB: I like that. That's a lot better. GOD: And unto God's merchandising empire. FB: That I like less. GOD: I must depart from you now, to negotiate the rights for The Passion sequel. But know that I will be with you always, even unto the end of the ages, or at least in heavy syndication. God is weird. But His sandwich is delicious! You can see God or something shaped like God in numerous magazines, political speeches, and TV shows all over the country.
posted by fafnir at 1:28 PM
Wednesday, April 7, 2004
Who will accomplish the goal of protecting America - George W. Bush or John Kerry? The answer came last week, with an endorsement by a relative of radical Shiite cleric and respected political analyst Moqtada al Sadr: "We may be unable to drive the Americans out of Iraq. But we can drive George W. Bush out of the White House."
The message could not be any clearer: the purpose of terror in Iraq is to terrify good Americans into voting out of office the leaders whose ill preparation and shoddy war planning have allowed that terror to flourish. If you vote for John Kerry, you are voting for a new plan for fighting Islamic fundamentalism, and if you vote for a new plan for fighting Islamic fundamentalism, then you are already letting the terrorists win.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 9:03 PM
Tuesday, April 6, 2004
Freedom is beginning to blow across our country friends, in great beautiful gusts. Freedom, the beautiful wind which some had wished to chain up with freedom-chains. Glofish freedom.
Last week the California Fish and Game Commission decided to reconsider its cruel inhuman and unconstitutional ban on the sale and ownership of Glofish, the one and only glowing pet fish that really glows. And they did it because of your efforts! Commissioners voted 3-1 to seek an updated recommendation from the Department of Fish and Game on whether the fish are dangerous, and to hold public hearings before making a final decision.The New York Times did not of course mention the immense internet pressure from Fafblog which was primarily responsible for this stunning reversal because Mainstream Media fears the power of the Netroots. Now I will admit that I was scooped on this in our own comments section by poster Ral five days ago. But still, who but Fafblog is bringing you this with such passion? And we still need passion in this fight to win glofish freedom because the fight is not over. The Center for Technology Assessment and Center for Food Safety sued the federal government in January, alleging the benign fluorescing gene was inserted using other genes derived from animal and human viruses and as well as antibiotic-resistant bacteria. They want government regulation on the grounds the hidden genes might pose health risks if the biotech fish are released into natural waterways and consumed by other fish that eventually are eaten by humans.Horrible crazy people still trying to stop all free Americans from enjoying Glofish! Write your congressthings and tell them you support the Federal Fafnir's Glofish Amendment Amendment the only sure way to guarantee Glofish rights for all freedom-loving people.
posted by fafnir at 11:55 AM
Monday, April 5, 2004
You can't push back the deadline! That'll mean we blinked!
If we blink it means they win. If they win it means we're chicken. Giblets isn't a chicken! Are you a chicken? Well? ARE you? BWAAAWK-bwawk-bwak-bwakbwak!
posted by Giblets at 5:38 PM
Well first things first. Clearly radical Shiite cleric Moqtada al-Sadr does not read Fafblog or else he would have known that we had healed all wounds. All of them! Really! I have to say that radical shiite cleric Moqtada al-Sadr is probably becoming one of our least favorite radical Shiite clerics around here.
There has been a lot of talk about how to handle all the new violence. Should we delay the scheduled turning over of power to the Iraqis? Should we not delay the scheduled turning over of power the the Iraqis? Should we nuke them? All of these are interesting positions talked about by interesting people. But what we still need is a sound policy to win Iraqi hearts and minds. And that policy is ice cream. Imagine you are a country who has been ruled by brutal dictators for centuries and invaded and occupied by a foreign power. You are tired and angry and hostile. You possibly still do not have good food or clean water or a job. What do you want? Ice cream. Who does not love ice cream? No one that is who! Children and mullahs and Baathists of all ages all love the sweet creamy taste of a fresh ice cream cone! Now imagine that you are the angry tired hostile unemployed waterless foodless Iraqi - and Americans are giving you ice cream, for free! How do you complain, you do not you are so happy with delicious ice cream! Your emotional landscape changes from angry hostile killing to delicious. Ice cream delicious. For just 37 billion dollars a year we could pay for one pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream a day for the 22 million men woman and children in Iraq. And if we buy in bulk it's even cheaper! We could be feeding them ice cream three meals a day! We could feed them ice cream at all state functions and constitutional drafting meetings! Our troops will no longer ride in humvees, they will ride in ice cream trucks. No one will launch grenades at the ice cream man! "But Fafnir" you are saying "won't this make the Iraqis very fat." Maybe but remember the ancient proverb: a fat Iraqi insurgent is a happy Iraqi insurgent - especially a fat Iraqi insurgent filled with ice cream. "But how will you pay for all this ice cream Fafnir" you say. The ice cream will pay for itself. As the love grows we will be able to phase out the military operation and thus afford the ice cream, and once we have normal relations with Iraq our ice cream exports there will be incredible. My only hesitation is that the wrong powers will launch other wars to open more markets. There must be no blood for ice cream. Well that's it. Under the Fafnir Plan I expect there to be a working liberal democracy in Iraq by say Christmas. Lets get started.
posted by fafnir at 4:10 PM
Giblets has been watching TV news for about six days straight and I must say that Iraq has gotten a lot more interesting over the last week or so. A lot more blowing up, a lot more danger and excitement. And frankly a lot of pathos. Giblets was touched when those supply contracters were horribly killed in a way that has not happened since CNN's "Somalia" series back in the nineties. Real chokey stuff.
Fafnir always gets upset at this saying "Oh Giblets this is horrible" and "Oh Giblets I don't want to watch this." But come on. It's just CNN, it's not like it's real. Just look at Crossfire. Tucker Carlson and James Carville are political figures? Robert Novak leaks a CIA agent's name and still has a job with several major news organizations? Giblets is not supposed to take this stuff seriously! I will grant that there is a lot of stuff that didn't work, like when they built up that Joe Lieberman character and didn't do anything with him. What was his deal? I had a bet he was gonna turn out to be Howard Dean's long-lost brother horribly disfigured and out for revenge but they totally dropped the ball on that one. But a lot of it has been top-notch. You can tell where they're going with a lot of this, like with this President guy who is obviously bad news but might completely get away with everything cause Kerry is a total dweeb. Anyway for anyone who still thinks scripted television is dead Giblets gives the news his highest recommendation.
posted by Giblets at 11:37 AM
The first rule of Fafblog is, do not get involved in silly interblog fights. The second rule of Fafblog is, do not get involved in silly interblog fights. The third rule of Fafblog is, we all get together in an underground parking garage and beat each other up in bare knuckle fist fights in a secret plot to overthrow the government its great!
A lot has been written by a lot of angry type people about Daily Kos saying horrible things on the internet, which is a shame because until now it has been a delicate and genteel place made of lily blossoms and butterfly wings. And people such as The World have been sayin to me "Fafnir why dont you fix it because you are so good at fixing everything" and so I figured "Okay world why not." So Fafnir is here to let The Healing Begin. Again. But before the healing begins there must be discipline. To this end I have put the blogs Tacitus and Instapundit in the clownhouse for the next week, or until they learn to play nice whichever comes first. Tacitus and Instapundit you may notice a vast and overwhelming increase in clown related hits on your next egogoogle due to the immense internet influence of Fafblog. I am sorry but it had to be done. Similarly the link to Daily Kos has been replaced with one to the John Kerry for President Donation Page. I hope you learn your lesson from this Daily Kos.
posted by fafnir at 9:43 AM
Friday, April 2, 2004
Today, Slate's Fred Kaplan asks if yesterday's brutal attack on American security contractors in Fallujah was the Iraq War's Mogadishu. Mr Kaplan question, like all questions, is ultimately a question for that most supreme and enlightened of authorities, the Medium Lobster, and I have only one answer: if the United States is to have any chance of success in Iraq, it must retaliate, swiftly and surely, with full-scale invasion of North Korea.
Sometimes the most direct solution - throwing water on a fire, pulling a weed out by the roots, eliminating a terrorist organization by hunting down that terrorist organization - is in fact the wrong solution. The White House demonstrated a profound understanding of this principle in the build-up to the Iraq War. Rather than continue pursuit of Al Qaeda after the Afghanistan invasion, the Bush administration realized the best way to defeat Al Qaeda was to hit them where they weren't - in Iraq. This solution seems counterintuitive to minds of limited perception, but George Bush and his advisors realized that an alternative, holisitc approach to the war on terror was needed to finish off Al Qaeda. In traditional, backwards-looking Western foreign policy - much as in traditional, Western medicine - the solution is always the direct, scientific, "rational" one. A tumor is cut away with a scalpel. A decentralized international terrorist organization is eliminated in a series of vast multilateral police and intel operations. But in alternative, forward-looking, holistic foreign policy - as in alternative, holistic medicine - practitioners realize that "the direct approach" does more harm than good, and that pain and indeed death are all part of the healing process. Just as acupuncture and acupressure have shown us that attentions directed towards a shoulder or a foot can ease back pain, holistic counterterrorism's "acubombing" shows us that a lengthy American military occupation in Iraq will dismantle Al Qaeda cells from Pakistan to Spain. Which returns us to Fallujah, a moment marking a rising tide of terrorism in Iraq. We cannot afford to fall back on the failed policies of fighting Iraqi terror with police and intelligence operations. We must strike somewhere else, and allow the healing to begin. The obvious choice is North Korea, an aggressive and warlike nation ruled by a mad and brutal dictator known for supporting terror and building weapons of mass destruction. If left to its own devices, North Korea could have a nuclear bomb in the hands of Fallujah terrorists within the year. But if America takes North Korea and overthrows Kim Jong Il, we can be assured of dealing an incredible blow in the war on Iraqi terror. No doubt the North Koreans would welcome us as liberators, and Iraqi terror would decrease substantially. Of course, there's always an off-chance of a terrorist campaign springing up from the North Korean population - in which case America would have no choice but to carpet bomb Damascus. But the Medium Lobster trusts American policymakers to see their ways to that one in due time.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 3:22 PM
So George Bush has signed into law a bill which legally any human embryo "at any stage of development, who is carried in the womb." This means they are now like citizens. This means they are subjects of Giblets!
Giblets now welcomes the millions of zygotes, blastopods, fetuses and mid-stage embryos of America into the empire of Giblets! You are all Giblets's. Bow before Giblets, fetuses! BOOOOOOOW! That is enough bowing! No longer will you have to wait until the moment of birth to serve your lord and emperor Giblets. You serve him now! Your first orders will arrive soon by way of your womb communicators, or "wombunicators." If your wombunicator is malfunctioning or if you have not received orders by 1900 hours tonight, you may request orders by tapping out morse code via pseudopod or flipper. Every day the unborn army of Giblets multiplies by legions! Rise up, my stem cell squadron! Rise up for Giblets!
posted by Giblets at 11:50 AM
Wednesday, March 31, 2004
It appears that the forces of Jihadist appeasement have triumphed for the day, and Condoleezza Rice will testify in public and under oath before the pointless 9/11 commission. Now the president will be too crippled by anxiety to seek advice from those closest to him, fearing they may be pulled before these latter-day Congessional inquisitors, and will simply have to make every decision based entirely on his own research, theories, and intuition. That the president will now be able to realize his full potential as a policy-making juggernaut is surely no loss to the nation - but the fact that it will most assuredly reduce confidants like Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, and Rice to meaningless side players is a tragedy.
But the silver lining on this dark cloud is that George Bush and Dick Cheney, who will also be appearing together before the commission, will not be appearing under oath. This has lead the skeptical to suspect that Bush and Cheney now intend to lie and mislead the commission. This notion is as absurd as it is treasonous. Even if the divinely-ordained leader of the United States were capable of lying, Bush is testifying together with Dick Cheney, who will be able to confirm or deny anything Bush says as he says it. Cheney, in a sense, will act as Bush's moral compass, rooting his testimony in honesty. It would be superfluous for the two of them to be asked to take the oath. Overall, the Medium Lobster judges today's battle to have been a draw between the forces of Good and Terror. In due time, however, this latest dangerous project of scrutiny and transparency will pass away, and our fighting president will be allowed to return to the business of fighting for freedom and secrecy.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 3:59 PM
You can talk again. That means now people!
posted by fafnir at 12:07 PM
...
... mooooooment ... ... of siiiiiiiiiiilence ... ...
posted by fafnir at 12:03 PM
So last Saturday I went down to sit and enjoy my beautiful Glofish (for those who do not know, Glofish are fantastical genetically-modified glowing fish that ACTUALLY GLOW). We have been having problems with algae in the past in the tank but we got these scum sucker fish and everything was goin great with that except the water is still all weird and hazy and the fish were swimming lazily and oddly bumping into each other. "What should I do Mr Book?" I ask Mr Book. "Well you see Fafnir IIIIII... look over there!" says Mr Book and he jumped out the window and ran away. "What should I do Television?" I ask Television. "Buy this beer!" says Television. "And this car and these pills and this beef and this woman!" "I dunno if I feel like beef Television," I says. "You must buy beef Fafnir or else you will explode!" says Television. "Oh no I do not want to explode!" I says.
But when I get back from the store with the beer and the pills and the beef and the woman something horrible had happened. One of our sucker fish was dead. At first I thought it was sleeping, and then I just thought it was being lazy, and then I spent a half hour yelling at it "Lazy sucker fish, why won't you suck more that is what you are for, for sucking!" When I realized what had happened I felt so guilty. I am sorry for yelling at your corpse sucker fish I didn't understand! We buried the sucker fish at sunset. We did not have enough trumpets to play "Reverie" so Giblets played one of the demos on his old Yamaha which I think the sucker fish would have liked.
posted by fafnir at 11:51 AM
Tuesday, March 30, 2004
The Medium Lobster had hoped to return from his spring break amongst the loftier planes to find the country had moved on from the debacle of Richard Clarke and the 9/11 Commission. Instead, I find America still wasting away precious hours splitting hairs over who missed whose imminent terrorist attack. Really, people, it's been over two years since the al Qaeda attacks, and in that time the Bush Administration responded swiftly and forcefully to the threat of Osama bin Laden by overthrowing the government of Saddam Hussein.
Nevertheless, crooked and foul politicos from Clarke to terrorist-sponsored Massachusetts liberal John Kerry have been heaping criticism on the President's war on terror. As Condoleezza Rice recently put it, critics like Kerry seek merely to "distract Americans from his own failed ideas for protecting America from future attacks... John Kerry's backward-looking approach would return us to the failed policies of treating terror as a law-enforcement matter." Indeed, we cannot allow our nation to adopt John Kerry's policies - which have failed before, and will fail again, if John Kerry has his way. Dr Rice knows this more than anyone, for, as the Medium Lobster knows - and can now reveal - Dr Rice is a time traveler. Yes, Condoleezza Rice was sent back in time from an alternate future earth, dubbed by chronologers as "Nega-Earth," where John Kerry was elected president in the year 2000. His hellish, lunatic policies of using multilateral law enforcement and intelligence operations in a global anti-terror campaign created a dark, dystopian world where Islamists rule with an iron fist, seeking out and eradicating all non-Islamists with omnipotent robot sentinels controlled by their overlord, the maniacal Wahhabist A.I. Allah-1. In this nightmare landscape there is no freedom, no hope, no American Dream, and the Justice League have been replaced with their evil counterparts in the Crime Syndicate of America, including the odious Owlman. So great is this world's evil that it has decided to send John Kerry to other timelines and other earths, to spread his message of malevolent international cooperation and military flexibility and responsiveness throughout the multiverse. But there's hope. Rice has also been sent back in time to save America from creeping law-enforcementism. If her warnings are heeded in time, we could avert the greatest temporal disaster since the inception of the judicial branch. If not, hundreds of thousands of flesh-eating cyborg jihadobots could descend upon our shores, and the forces of the Anti-Monitor will sweep through all space and time.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 9:55 AM
Friday, March 26, 2004
It has been two weeks since our last Friday pie-blogging. Two Weeks! Bad Fafnir. Bad, bad Fafnir! But here we are and if we dont pie-blog now when will we pie-blog at all?
This week brings us pies more worldly than the pies we are used to - the corporate pies.   These are professional pies. These are the pies of commerce and industry. These are businesspies. They may appear cold and formal an too busy makin money to be good pies. But one look proves them to be juicy and delicious. Wouldn't you take a bite out of these delicious corporate pies yes you would.   "But what about the greed" you say. This is the difficult part because sometimes greed is delicious and deliciousness must be part of the world even cold corporate greed and even warm moist cold corporate pie greed. Therefore by first principles greed must be part of the world like in the rhubarb pie above. Look at that greedy pie! It has probably just outsourced jobs to Mexico.  The world of pies can be a strange and complex place. Labels: pie
posted by fafnir at 10:52 PM
Yknow at a time when all sorts of big angry grumpy people are talking about "Wars between Islam and the West" and "Clashes of Civilization" and stuff it is great to see stories like this one that show that God is workin to unite our fractious world religions.
After creating burritos bearing the likeness of Jesus and a fence post that looks like the Virgin Mary, God has now introduced a miraculous lamb in Hebron born with the word "Allah" on its back. All of these miracles can only mean one thing: that God is the God of Christianity and the God of Islam, and he really likes drawing on food and animals. Let us now meditate and hope for a world where Allah Lambs and Pizza Hut Jesuses will one day walk hand in hand in harmony together.
posted by fafnir at 2:12 PM
It's been about a week since Fafblog became FAFBLOG PLUS!!!!, the new and super-improved version of Fafblog that you love so much more. Congratulations to all of us and lots of thanks to our tech friend Chris who did this and also gave us our nifty new email addresses fresh from his defunct website! Chris made a lot of interesting suggestions like "Are you sure you want these colors?" and "I think you might wanna use better colors" and "These are really awful colors" that we nodded along to and completely ignored. We actually wanted to use a flashing neon green GIF for the background but it turns out Chris is epileptic and he starts twitchin all funny when he looks at that.
Here are some of the comments we have gotten so far on FAFBLOG PLUS!!!!: Well two things are for sure: you love the new colors, and you want an RSS feed! Chris says that's a thing that makes it so people can read it without pictures. Well what is the point of that! The internet without pictures is like performing open heart surgery without ice cream - its useful and not as sticky and maybe you'll live longer but who wants to live without ice cream? Well I am gonna put chris on it and he says he'll "get to it" which means it'll probably happen never. Lazy Chris, do more of Faf's stuff! In the meantime I am gonna work on making these colors brighter for all the worlds enjoyment. See Chris is twitchin with excitement already.
posted by fafnir at 12:27 PM
So a bunch of fuddy-duddy Democrats are all upset because of some joke George Bush told about missing WMDs the other day. "This is a very serious issue," Democratic National Committee Chairman Terry McAuliffe said. "We've lost hundreds of troops, as you know, over there. Let's not be laughing about not being able to find weapons of mass destruction. They're not there. That is the issue. We should not take it to a new step to make fun of the situation." "That's supposed to be funny?" said Democratic rival John Kerry.
Indeed, nothing to laugh at - because it was a lame slide show sequence with painfully obvious sight gags. Giblets has seen more cutting-edge comedy coming out of Henny Youngman's corpse. My advice to George Bush: start off with some good sock puppets and work your way up. Everybody loves sock puppets. My advice to Senator Stick-up-the-butt: lighten up. It's just a war*. Was the joke "offensive"? How should I know? Giblets laughs at (good) offensive jokes! They desensitize me to the horrors of reality and the terrible evils of the past. This is why we need to tell more 9/11 jokes. It helps "break the tension" over the whole horrible mind-numbing loss of life thing. Since (as Darwin argued) our natural response to horrible mind-numbing loss of life is a binary "laugh/kill" response, we must either laugh at the horror or kill in response to it. Since our culture is not sufficiently advanced to laugh at horror, we tend to kill things instead, which is okay as therapy goes but is getting expensive. So the eventual solution is to either find a cheaper way to kill things or to learn to laugh. Only then will the healing begin. *Before somebody accuses Giblets of being insensitive to war veterans you should all know that Giblets is himself is a war veteran and is thus immune to such criticism. Giblets fought, and was wounded, in the Cola Wars. You do not know what hell is until you are lying face down in a puddle of RC Cola and you can hear your best friend over the hill screaming for Tab, just to kill the pain, as the Pepsi Death Squads close in.
posted by Giblets at 10:58 AM
Thursday, March 25, 2004
Former Indonesian President Suharto is the number one most corrupt world leader of all time according to a report by Transparency International. Way to go Former President Suharto! You are number one!
This is quite an accomplishment for Former President Suharto, who stole between thirteen and fifteen billion dollars from his country during his thirty year rule and solidly beating out second-place finisher Ousted Philippine President-for-life Ferdinand Marcos who still stole between five and ten billion dollars. But let's not split hairs you are all winners here! All that corruption shows some real dedication and that is nothing to sneeze at. I was hopin maybe Idi Amin would make it up there or get an honorable mention on account of him passin away but apparently not. Sigh. Well maybe next year.
posted by fafnir at 10:30 AM
Tuesday, March 23, 2004
It has been a while since we have had a glofish update and for that I apologize. But who else is updating you on the struggle to Free Glofish? Not quote-unquote libertarian Eugene Volokh. Not Calpundit who is Californian and has ignored the glofish controversy engulfing his state. In the blogoverse only Fafblog is promisin to bring you fast-coming updates on this enfolding crisis of civil liberties. Fast-coming updates every couple months.
As recently as one month ago Glofish-rights group and genetically-modified fish company Yorktown Products has decided to petition the evil California Fish and Game Commission again, which last year decided in a 3-1 ruling to ban the sale of Glofish and to adopt Nazi-licking and baby-eating as the official Fish and Game Commission pastimes. It is an evil Commission! An evil, evil Commission! Will these champions of glowy-fishy justice triumph I have no idea. But even while they struggle to liberate oppressed California from the grips of glofish-hating evildoers the fiendish forces of the Center for Food Safety is suing the FDA to force them to regulate Glofish. I am not one to resort to hyperbole lightly, and I am not resorting to it lightly when I say that if Glofish cannot flow freely then democracy will be lost to the world forever. That is why we must work even harder to make sure that our congresspeople and leaders secure our fundamental rights and freedoms. So I am urging all of you to write to your representatives and senators and send them the exact following message which should not be changed in any way, because you will not get it right I'm sorry: Hello senator or representative how's it goin! It's goin fine. Fine except for Glofish! Glofish are the most beautiful and wonderful things introduced to the universe since probably anything and more importantly they are fundamental. Fundamental to the American way of life. Fundamental to American experience and freedom. But they are under attack - by people who hate freedom. Just like terrorists, and the Sasquatch.
posted by fafnir at 2:03 PM
Monday, March 22, 2004
So people are all "waa-waa-waa" about this Richard Clarke person (who Giblets has never heard of by the way, what is he doing on television?) who is all "Oh George Bush is stupid" and "Oh George Bush didn't know what Al Qaeda was" and "Oh Condoleeza Rice has the I.Q. of a syphilitic chipmunk." Richard Clarke says they were not paying attention to Osama bin Laden. Richard Clarke says that even after 9/11 some of them were still gung-ho about Iraq and wanted to blow it up because it was easy to blow up. Richard Clarke says we needed a strategy to roll-back Al Qaeda before they "killed three thousand people." Richard Clarke is a big fat fathead come to wreck Giblets's party - and YOURS TOO.
There are two kinds of people in the world. There are the people who are like the grumbly old chief of police in the action movies who want to hold bakc the hotheaded cop because he "breaks procedure" and "blows things up" and "gets countless innocents killed" and "shoots the wrong people" and "doesn't know what he's doing." And then there are people who are like the hotheaded cop. They get things done. George Bush is like that. Except with an eight-month delay that allowed terrorists to blow up the World Trade Center and a good chunk of the Pentagon but made for a great revenge plot. The point is do you wanna be like the sissy grumbly old desk-job police chief or do you wanna be like the blow-em-up crazy hotheaded cop who is also a cyborg hero from the future? That is what Giblets thought! Some people say the war on terror is a war. Some people say the war on terror is a vast police action backed up by intelligence operations. Both people are INCREDIBLY STUPID. The war on terror is an incredibly cathartic shoot-em-up flick with fantastic special effects. Giblets does not want to hear about early arming of Predator drones and funding opposition groups. He wants to hear about storming Baghdad! Shock and awe! Overwhelming force! You can package that with a great video game. Terrorists make lousy villains, they hide in mountains and it's just wait wait wait, sit sit sit, have we found them? No we haven't, oh the waiting, oh the tension, this is right up there with roll calls on C-SPAN. But invading a country? You get bombs and capital to sieze! You get a statue to topple! Then wrap it up and on to GULF WAR III: SYRIAN JUSTICE! Some people are too sissy and stupid and grumbly to recognize sound foreign policy when they see it. And to those people Giblets says: shut your mouth and stay behind your damn desk, Chief, and leave the tossing of pot dealers through plate glass windows to Giblets.
posted by Giblets at 3:38 PM
Hamas chief killed in air strike
Full text: Hamas vows revenge Israel defiant over Yassin killing Stupid world! Did you not all read Fafblog last Friday? We had healed the wounds! All of them! What is wrong with you! You spend the rest of the day looking at pictures of clowns and ice cream till you get it because Fafnir has lost all patience with you! Stupid, stupid world! Stop being so stupid!
posted by fafnir at 2:02 PM
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"He was ugly," says Giblets. "He was faithful and loyal and true!" says me, upset. "He was still real ugly," says Giblets. "He was beautiful and loyal and heartfelt and ugly and true!" I says.
