Tuesday, March 30, 2004

The Medium Lobster had hoped to return from his spring break amongst the loftier planes to find the country had moved on from the debacle of Richard Clarke and the 9/11 Commission. Instead, I find America still wasting away precious hours splitting hairs over who missed whose imminent terrorist attack. Really, people, it's been over two years since the al Qaeda attacks, and in that time the Bush Administration responded swiftly and forcefully to the threat of Osama bin Laden by overthrowing the government of Saddam Hussein.

Nevertheless, crooked and foul politicos from Clarke to terrorist-sponsored Massachusetts liberal John Kerry have been heaping criticism on the President's war on terror. As Condoleezza Rice recently put it, critics like Kerry seek merely to "distract Americans from his own failed ideas for protecting America from future attacks... John Kerry's backward-looking approach would return us to the failed policies of treating terror as a law-enforcement matter."

Indeed, we cannot allow our nation to adopt John Kerry's policies - which have failed before, and will fail again, if John Kerry has his way. Dr Rice knows this more than anyone, for, as the Medium Lobster knows - and can now reveal - Dr Rice is a time traveler.

Yes, Condoleezza Rice was sent back in time from an alternate future earth, dubbed by chronologers as "Nega-Earth," where John Kerry was elected president in the year 2000. His hellish, lunatic policies of using multilateral law enforcement and intelligence operations in a global anti-terror campaign created a dark, dystopian world where Islamists rule with an iron fist, seeking out and eradicating all non-Islamists with omnipotent robot sentinels controlled by their overlord, the maniacal Wahhabist A.I. Allah-1. In this nightmare landscape there is no freedom, no hope, no American Dream, and the Justice League have been replaced with their evil counterparts in the Crime Syndicate of America, including the odious Owlman. So great is this world's evil that it has decided to send John Kerry to other timelines and other earths, to spread his message of malevolent international cooperation and military flexibility and responsiveness throughout the multiverse.

But there's hope. Rice has also been sent back in time to save America from creeping law-enforcementism. If her warnings are heeded in time, we could avert the greatest temporal disaster since the inception of the judicial branch. If not, hundreds of thousands of flesh-eating cyborg jihadobots could descend upon our shores, and the forces of the Anti-Monitor will sweep through all space and time.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 9:55 AM



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