Tuesday, September 7, 2004

Tom Ridge shows up at my house with armed Homeland Security Department officials. Good thing I just finished makin brownies!

"Fafnir, the United States Government is here to search for materials of a terrorist nature," says Tom Ridge.
"Cmon in Tom Ridge!" says me. "Would you like some brownies?"
"We are not interested in brownies, Fafnir," says Tom Ridge. "The Department of Homeland Security must sieze your absentee ballot before it can be used to aid and abet a terrorist attack on the United States."
"Are you sure you do not want brownies Tom Ridge?" says me. "They have peanut butter chips!"
Official Homeland Security Department ballot-sniffin dogs sniff my apartment an find my absentee ballot. "Aha!" says Tom Ridge. "Fafnir, by the authority placed in me by the Government and Jesus and many other large things, I'm placing you under arrest!"
"Oh no!" says me. "What for?"
"For plotting to vote for John Kerry!" says Tom Ridge. "As Vice President Cheney noted today, if John Kerry gets elected in November, 'we'll get hit again and we'll be hit in a way that will be devastating from the standpoint of the United States.' That means the election of John Kerry is the election of another terrorist attack. That means by voting for John Kerry you've participated in a terrorist conspiracy to attack the United States of America!"
"I am sorry Tom Ridge I had no idea!" says me.
"Ignorance of the law is no excuse!" says Tom Ridge.
"But I did not even completely vote for John Kerry!" says me. "I just kinda made a pencil mark there."
"Attempted terrorism is still a crime!" says Tom Ridge. Oh I wish he had just eaten the brownies!
"What if I vote for someone else?" says me. "Like President Bush or libertarian candidate Michael Badnarik?"
"Not good enough!" says Tom Ridge. "This is a war on terror, not some political stunt! We fully inforce the law, and you crossed it by endangering this country, mister! Take him off to Guantanamo, boys!"

Oh no! I didnt mean to commit a terrorist act! Whatever will I do!
posted by fafnir at 4:49 PM

Florida has been in the news lately - and for something other than election fraud! - where millions of residents are once again battling the elements for the right to continue living in an overheated swamp infested with blood-sucking insects and killer reptiles. You make Giblets proud, Florida! Your devotion to the suburban colonization of nature is absolute!

Yes Californians get an earthquake now and then, yes it snows up north. But only you have decided to shuffle off to an enormous foul poisonous bog afflicted with giant man-eating lizards which is routinely punched from the sky by storm titans who seek to blot it from the very sight of God!

You have recognized that it is Man's Great Destiny to colonize every inch of the planet even - no! especially! - those parts of the earth that are so comically inhospitable that the assembled forces of God and Nature lash out in a concerted attempt to destroy their aged, enfeebled residents on a regular basis! If you liked sunny weather you could have moved to Arizona. If you liked tourist traps you could have moved to Las Vegas. If you liked vast political corruption you could have moved to Chicago. But your Faustian striving for a ranch home in a noxious wind-battered wasteland has driven you to boldly live where no one else would ever want to before!

Giblets awaits the day when humans will build gated communities at the bottom of the ocean, in the heart of the Sahara, on the Moon, inside active volcanos, within the snarling engorged throats of mad and slavering Elder Gods! Let no region, no matter how inhospitable, slow your suburban sprawl! You are the pioneers of tomorrow, and from Giblets's sane and survivable mild north Atlantic climate, he salutes you!
posted by Giblets at 12:04 PM
Monday, September 6, 2004

"I am dissatisfied with Tide™," says me. "Maybe I should switch to All™."
"Bah!" says Giblets. "Tide™ is as strong as the force of nature it invokes! All™ is as weak as the complacent internationalism suggested by its name!"
"But Tide™ eats holes in my knits an silks," says me. "An it harshly bleaches out my colors."
"All™ will make your colors run insteada boldly standin out in the face of enemy fabrics!" says Giblets.
"There is no real evidence to support that Giblets," says me. "Besides Tide™ does not break up dirt an tough grass stains. It chases em for a while before leavin to attack other loads."
"Tide™ will get those other loads clean eventually!" says Giblets. "An when those loads are clean it will set off a cleanliness domino effect! Cleanliness will start spreadin to neighborin washin machines an then through the entire laundromat until it scrubs your stubborn grass stains away!"
"I dunno Giblets," says me. "I have put a couple hundred billion dollars a quarters into this load an it's still a mess."
"Tide™'s commercials are strong an resolute!" says Giblets. "All™'s commercials are flimsy an flip-flop on critical issues! One day they say All™ brightens colors, the next day they say it whitens whites! Well which is it All™?"
"All™ has changed its formula since the early seventies," says me. "It is New an Improved. Why doesn't Tide™ ever improve?"
"Tide™ needs no improvement!" says Giblets. "Tide™'s wife is smiley an warm an looks like the human personification of the bakin of oatmeal cookies! All™'s wife is a cranky out-of-touch ketchup heiress! Tide™ is sturdy an earthy just like Giblets wants to be! All™'s Vietnam service may be questionable!"
"Those are just smear campaigns Giblets," says me. "All™ served its country while Tide™ was sittin on a shelf in the laundry room of the Texas Air National Guard."
"The leadin brand will not remove caked-on mud and grime!" says Giblets. "The leadin brand will capitulate to the Islamofascists!"
"Well we agree to disagree," says me. "Like we do whenever we talk about Coke™ versus Poison™."
"It may taste bad an curdle my blood an kill me," says Giblets. "But at least I know where Poison™ stands."
posted by fafnir at 7:11 PM

You cannot stop them. You cannot resist them. They are relentlessly marchin in your direction and there is nothing you can do to wave off the delicious mechanized onslaught of the frozen pot pies.

These pies have not been baked by man or God or nature. They have been constructed in a huge smoke-spewin factory by powerful powerful robots. Trees an hills an oceans are slurped up by their giant mechanical arms an stuffed into furnaces for fuel. "Oh no!" say fish an wildlife. "Our oceans!" But no one can stop the relentless an powerful powerful robots from their tasty an terrible duty.

Rollin out of the factories come thousands of tiny identical frozen pies. Some have chicken or somethin that tastes just like chicken. Some have beef or somethin that tastes just like beef! They climb down from the factory into the city into your neighborhood an just like that into your grocer's frozen food section where they are waitin patiently for you to taste their synthetic scrumptiousness.

Some do not like the frozen pies. "They are not real pies!" they say. "They are cold an unpielike! They are takin our pies' jobs! They are made of coal an textiles!" But the frozen pies do not respond. They sit in their molded pie tins, ready at a moment's notice to spring into action and be efficiently delicious. You cannot stop them. You cannot resist them.

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posted by fafnir at 4:03 PM
Thursday, September 2, 2004

Giblets was pretty happy to hear that the Republicans were gonna talk about the future in their convention, insteada lookin' at the past like those moldy ol' Democrats. What would the big bold plans be for the next Bush administration? They could not possibly be as big or as bold as Giblets's - but then again whose could! - but would they be big enough or bold enough to moderately impress him? Probably not but whose could, again I am Giblets!*

But the Republican plan for the next four years is big and bold, as Giblets can tell from listening to speeches by Zell Miller and Dick Cheney. The main policy initiative of a second Bush term would be - and Giblets may be reading between the lines a little here - to build a huge government sponsored time machine, use it to travel back to the past, and kill John Kerry before he is even born!

Giblets must admit - he is intrigued! But will the GOP really be able to follow-through will such a bold strategy or will they go for something a little more centrist like sending George Bush back in time to impregnate John Kerry's mother so that John Kerry is born less offensively Kerrylike and more Bushlike? That would be less bold but more logistically complicated. How for example doe George Bush plan to seduce Mrs. Kerry? Does Dick Cheney plan to impregnate John Edwards's mother as well? Giblets has many questions. Do George Bush and the Republican PArty have the answers? Giblets had better find out tonight.

*Extending Fourteenth Amendment rights to fetuses while denying them to gays, HA! Giblets will extend FIRST Amendment rights to sperm and ova and deny the right of habeas corpus to all but Giblets and descendents of Giblets!
posted by Giblets at 10:29 AM
Wednesday, September 1, 2004

Welcome again to Fafblog convention speechbloggin! Again to elimnate confusion I will type in normal-language an Giblets will type in italics-language.

Well Giblets we have heard that this speech will have a lot of red meat for the delegates. Is there any chance it or the Zell Miller speech we just heard could turn off moderates?

Only if moderates are a buncha girls, Fafnir. You're not a buncha girls, are you, moderates?

A pretty strong entrance. Big applause, an the crimson robes an the goblet of blood are a nice touch.

Dick Cheney needs his bling, man.

I like the part about how you need a president you can count on to get things right. Like invadin the right countries an goin after the right terrorists.

Exactly. If we hadn't invaded Iraq and removed its dangerous stockpile of civilians, why Saddam Hussein could be usin huge civilian-loaded catapults to fling Iraqis at the United States right now!

An if we hadn't let Osama bin Laden get away he never woulda gotten captured by aliens, reprogrammed an turned into the super-cyborg UltraTerrorist, an returned to earth to fight for truth an justice!

That's right. Remember how useful Osama was in fightin off last year's Mole Men invasion! All that woulda been wasted if George Bush made the wrong decision and went after al Qaeda.

I am glad that Dick Cheney is stickin it to Kerry for not supportin our troops in combat. Yknow cause a that vote he had somewhere.

It is worse than that Fafnir! Remember that when you criticize the President you are criticizin the troops an sappin their morale because the military is the bodily extension of the President. Tanks and troops are like his fingers and toes! He feels them from thousands of miles away with his mighty Presidential brain!

Oh yeah! I think that is in Article III or something.

I also like that this isn't just a fluff speech Giblets. Like he does not just say "John Kerry wants to show the enemy our 'soft side'" as if to reduce foreign policy to childish name-callin where you impugn your critics masculinity. He specifically points out John Kerry's plan to defeat the Iraqi insurgency by bakin delicious chocolate-chip brownies for Abu Musab al-Zarwai.

Very true. I do not think many foreign policy experts were very impressed by Kerry's 12-Point Delicious Brownie Initiative.

An finally a firm fierce yet fact-driven closer: "Elect John Kerry and his girly Frenchy-French cowardice will annihilate us all."

An really when you look at all the facts who can argue?

A powerful speech Giblets. But do you think tearin the beatin heart outta the livin John Kerry impersonator to cap it off will alienate swing voters?

Nah. 'Sides what's the point a bein the boss if you can't have fun at your own party?
posted by fafnir at 11:02 PM
Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Giblets is standin' in the special blogger press box at the Republican National Convention, where he is being annointed with oils by scented wage-slaves and fed luscious grapes, as befits a blogger of his stature! And from here he has heard what is undoubtedly the greatest speech ever given at a political convention ever, if not the greatest speech on anything in all of time. By Arnold Schwarzenegger. It is true - his oratorial skills are only matched by his prowess as an actor!

What struck Giblets the most - other than Arnold's moving story of growing up in an alternate-universe Soviet-occupied Austria - was his challenge to America. "To those critics who are so pessimistic about our economy, I say: Don't be economic girly-men!" Presidents with BALLS create massive, half-trillion-dollar deficits and lose millions of jobs! Weak-kneed fiscally-conservative PUSSIES worry about "balancing the budget" and "creating more jobs"! Well Giblets has a message to those pussies straight from the Governor of California: stop worrying about growing the economy and start growing a penis and testicles! 'Cause real men flush economies down the toilet, let terrorists escape, invade the wrong countries and go on to beat the Predator in a knock-down drag-out no-holds-barred fight!

Giblets, like all real-men Republicans, is wrestling a giant squid as he writes this in his press box. Will you wrestle that giant squid? Do you have the sperm-producing power to do so? And do you have the same powerful testes to vote for Bush? If not Giblets will simply assume that you are a shriveled impotent hermaphroditic wretch and will be throwin' spitballs at you from the back of the classroom until such a time as you summon the testicular fortitude to support the President who courageously shrugs in the face of North Korean nuclear proliferation.
posted by Giblets at 10:49 PM

Giblets does not spend much time on Republican women other than to respond to the eternal query, "Which of the Bush twins is the hottest?" (Obvious answer: Barbara.) But one has lit a flame in my Gibletsian heart. Yes, the flame of Liddy Dole, whose spastic, stream-of-consciousness appeals from one right-wing cause celebre to another have melted Giblets's iron heart! Who else could effortlessly segue from anti-abortion rhetoric to gay-bashing in a single sentence? Who else could claim the invocation of Christ on the penny as an inalienable human right? Giblets was hopin' she'd top it off by dropping her pants, mooning the cameras an sayin "Fuck you, religious minorities! America is Jesusland!" but she obviously chose to close more subtlely and let Laura Bush take the glory.

And all this on Compassion Night! Man, I thought all these speeches were gonna be for pussies.
posted by Giblets at 6:47 PM

A Fafblog Guide

So it is Republican National Conventiontime an there are all these funny people in your town all of a sudden. They do not look like you. They do not act like you. They may dress in more cow-an-flag-themed apparel than you are accustomed to. Do not panic! They are not invaders or zombies (if they are please consult the Fafblog guide So Your City Is Full Of Zombies!). They are Republicans an they are jus like you an me! Take a minute an get to know your new Republican neighbors with Fafblog!

  • Approaching Your Republican! Do not be scared or nervous when you see a Republican. He is much more scared of you than you are of him! Communicate with large friendly motions an giant puppets. Your Republican will see you are not a threat an should relax momentarily. Then you can earn his trust with an offering of food like pickles or nuts or baby's blood!
  • Communication! Stick to common interests to establish a rapport with your Republican. Suggested topics include Rudi Giuliani, the enjoyability or non-enjoyability of weather, an the usefulness of food an oxygen. Do not stray from these topics! You may startle your Republican. Remember that in the wild you are natural enemies an you would have already torn each others' carapaces with your hunting fangs.
  • Cultural Bondin! Show your Republican that your home an culture are nothin to be afraid of. Take him to the park or to a Yankees game! Remember to bring lots of umbrellas an sunscreen because your Republican is not used to the harsh light of open nature. He has been raised in dark squalid caves filled with toxic poisons where he hunts bats an small elves for sustenance. Do not take your Republican to a museum! He comes from a "Red State" where all art is banned an has been replaced by very large engines eternally pumpin greenhouse gases into the atmosphere for no reason whatsoever. Exposure to the culture shock of an art installation or even a sidewalk painter could cause him to choke on the industrial waste that flows through his body in place of blood.
  • Acceptance an Relaxation! Republicans are people just like you an me even though our worlds are completely separated by impenetrable cultural differences an the genetic drift caused by Martian-Human interbreeding. Relax an enjoy your new Republican friend!
  • posted by fafnir at 5:52 PM

    Fafblog is proud to bring you blog coverage of the Republican National Convention Spectacular 2004! With any luck this convention will almost be as excitin as the Democratic National Convention in Boston! Will the Republicans nominate President Bush? Will they not nominate President Bush? Will they perhaps on a surprise whim nominate Maine's Olympia Snowe? Who knows it is a convention everythin is up in the air!

    Take last night when firebrand maverick John McCain spoke an broke away from his prepared remarks an insteada sayin "George Bush strong, 9/11 Iraq, Michael Moore fat," he started goi on abot how George Bush was a weak an ineffectual president who had blown the war on terror an urged Republicans to unite behind a strong competent leader with the focus an intelligence to defeat the terrorists. An then he exploded on stage!

    Then later on former mayor Rudolph Giuliani got up an said that gays should be given the same rights an priveleges as all other Americans an should be welcomed into the Republican Party instead of chased out of it. And then he turned into a giant radioactive lizard an set the city on fire with his nuclear breath!

    Man oh man this convention! What will happen next!
    posted by fafnir at 3:27 PM

    Fafblog is back an is reportin live. But it seems we are reportin live... from HELL! Where else but Hell would it be so hot an so humid an so full of Republicans an anarchists an puppets? "This hot dog cost me three dollars!" says Giblets. "Truly this is the land of the damned!"

    How did me an Giblets end up in Hell? We do not know! We were takin a bus to the Republican National Convention an somethin terrible musta happened like a wayward collision with a toad-driven retro automobile or a lost fiddle contest cause here we are!

    "But didn't Santa give us salvation for Christmas?" says me.
    "We did not have enough faith in him!" says Giblets. "An now look at us we are damned to hell!"

    I think for a sec maybe it isn't true but then LOOK! There is CNN's Aaron Brown! An Brit Hume! An Hannity - AND Colmes! Truly this is the land of the damned!
    posted by fafnir at 2:21 PM
    Tuesday, August 24, 2004

    Me an Giblets an the Medium Lobster are goin to the beach for a while. "Why Fafnir what could possibly be goin on at the beach that could require your brilliant investigative journalist skills" you are of course askin. Sand my friends. Very large clumps of sand. Is sand the new swing vote? The new "soccer mom" or "NASCAR dad"? Fafblog will find out.

    We will be back in one (1) week. What could happen while we are out?
    posted by fafnir at 9:36 PM

    "Do you think the world's gonna end?" says me.
    "It has to," says Giblets. "Or else the scene'll get dull, man."
    "It has to to achieve closure," says me.
    "It has to or else Giblets will be damn pissed!" says Giblets. "Giblets wants death-comets! Giblets wants his plague of frogs!"
    "Do you think Jesus'll come back?" says me.
    "Not without a ton of funding," says Giblets.
    "That's true," says me. "The budget for the Jesus Apocalypse is pretty huge."
    "The special effects alone," says Giblets. "And Jesus doesn't come cheap either."
    "What about a natural disaster?" says me. "Like climate change or flyin saucers?"
    "Bah!" says Giblets. "Climate change is an urban myth like bigfoot and the CIA and the Irish!"
    "Could bigfoot end the world?" says me.
    "Nah, his foot's too big," says Giblets.
    "What if we run outta oil cause theres only so much oil an we all keep usin oil an the world jus stops cause it all runs on oil?" says me.
    "We will never run out of oil!" says Giblets drinkin oil.
    "Giblets that is what you said about runnin out of dodos," says me.
    "There are still some out there!" says Giblets. "Come back to Giblets little dodos! Giblets misses you so!"
    "What if the sun explodes?" says me.
    "Then we will escape the sun on mighty space arks and spread the seed of our glorious species throughout the galaxy!" says Giblets.
    "What if the galaxy explodes?" says me.
    "Then we will evolve into giant cosmic luminous New Age Space Whales and fly through the universe devouring all who oppose us!" says Giblets.
    "What if the universe explodes?" says me.
    "Then who cares about the universe anyway Giblets has always hated it it smells like space-smell!" says Giblets.
    "What if the world ends an we miss it?" says me. "What if we're walkin around one day goin 'Wow this is such a neat world' an then all of a sudden it's gone an we didn't notice it goin?"
    "That would never happen!" says Giblets. "It is too lame and anticlimactic!"
    "I don't want the world to end," says me. "I like the world."
    "Well you can't keep hangin onto the universe forever," says Giblets. "It's all part a growin up."
    "But Giblets!" says me. "We are faced with an eschatological dilemma! If the world ends don't we end too?"
    "Never!" says Giblets. "The world may be temporal but Fafnir and Giblets are forever!"
    "Yes!" says me. "We defy all ends! An middles an beginnings for good measure!"
    "We defy linearity!" says Giblets. "We are of the internet and embrace its heady disjointed bosom!"
    "We are hypertextual dispensationalists!" says me. "The endtimes cannot touch us!"
    "But what will we do after the world ends?" says Giblets.
    "Dunno," says me. "We got that ol Yahtzee set."
    "And Risk, the game of world domination," says Giblets.
    "And Fafblog," says me.
    "And Fafblog," says Giblets. "Even after the end of the age."

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    posted by fafnir at 6:31 PM
    Sunday, August 22, 2004

    It has been a bad crazy time at Fafblog over the past sumpin-sump hours but lately it has gotten badder an crazier as a number of our permalinks do not work right.

    "Stupid permalinks!" says Giblets. "Stop bein stupid!"
    "We must be patient with permalinks," says me. "They are the buildin blocks of blogs. They are the babies from which our full-grown internet posts spring. Hush, little permalink. Hush now."

    Our blog it looks like has been messed-up bad by Blogger™ again. Not only is Blogger™ corruptin our blog-babies, it has stuck some stupid banner thing on top of Fafblog which cuts into the appealin Fafblog Seal of Quality. If you cannot accurately count the cows on the Fafblog Seal of Quality how do you know that Fafblog guarantees that Fafblog is of four-cow caliber?

    I for one am gettin fed up with Blogger™ an if it does not shape up there will be discipline.

    "Bad babies need discipline," says Giblets. "Stick em in a potato sack or a pickle jar for an hour or two an they straighten right out."
    "Where are your children again?" says me.
    "Their weird mothers wouldnt let me see em," says Giblets.
    posted by fafnir at 10:57 AM
    Friday, August 20, 2004

    Serious political thinker an media critic Glenn Reynolds reports that journalism is "unravelling before our very eyes" on accounta that The Washington Post hasnt mentioned the terrible fact that when John Kerry was sent to Cambodia he apparently was sent there several days after he remembered bein sent there!

    "It's insane!" says serious political thinker an media critic Glenn Reynolds. "They call this 'objective' 'journalism'? How can we answer the question 'Should this man be president?' when our media refuses to address the question of his deeply questionable memory for dates?"
    "He says he was in Cambodia around Christmas but he was really in Cambodia in January!" says me. "He could be off by as much as three weeks! Three and a half even!"
    "What if he's supposed to meet with Kim Jong Il and he shows up three weeks early?" says serious political thinker an media critic Glenn Reynolds. "Mushroom clouds over Seoul, that's what if!"
    "Now that would be 'seared' in his memory!" says me.
    "Heh!" says serious political thinker an media critic Glenn Reynolds.

    It is not too late to save yourselves from obsolescence Fourth Estate! Please report this vital story now!
    posted by fafnir at 8:58 PM

    Well this is perhaps the weightiest an import-est day ever in our week of weight an import because today we are interviewin none other than the President of the United States himself George W. Bush! It is amazin what is he doin talkin to a little internet blog!

    FAFBLOG: Mr. President thank you so much for bein here today!
    GEORGE W. BUSH: The lesion is all mine, Fafnir.
    FB: Now Mr. President there's been a lotta talk lately about how "oh there were no weapons in Iraq" an "oh there was no al Qaeda connection to Iraq" an "oh holy crap why are we stuck in Iraq" an "can you please please get us out of Iraq."
    GWB: Fafnir, you hear all kindsa crazy talk out there. Some people out there believe in things like bigfoot an' global warming. But one thing is certain: we could not shrink from our duty in confronting terror in Iraq. If freedom is to defeat terror, it must demonstrate its strengthativity over evil. It must be tough. Real tough. So tough it must attack the terrorists where they don't even exist.
    FB: Wow... that is pretty tough!
    GWB: Now watch me cut this tree branch with a chainsaw.
    FB: Hey, you are pretty tough-lookin yourself Mr. President! That tree branch didn't stand a chance!
    GWB: Some days I take on a whole hedge all by myself.
    FB: Now Mr. President things arent goin too good rebuildin Iraq an a lotta people say you coulda planned for it better or maybe at all. What do you say to those people Mr. President?
    GWB: Y'know, Fafnir, Iraq is free now. It has freedom. You can't hold back and delay freedom. A great American once said that freedom denied is freedom... not good freedom.
    FB: I think that was Cap'n Crunch! He was also a military man!
    GWB: Freedom can't wait for UN bureacrats or weapons inspectors or post-war plannin', Fafnir. Freedom's gotta bust out an' be freedom.
    FB: I hear freedom is gay! Come out freedom! We will still love you!
    GWB: But in order to spread freedom we must be resolute against the voices of negatissity that would deny that freedom to others. The same negative naysayers that criticize our liberation of Afghanistan and the Moon.
    FB: But the Moon is so much better since we liberated it!
    GWB: The Moon now enjoys peaceful security and freedom, Fafnir. The moon is a rising democracy, and we are moving forward with swiftitude toward free elections on the Moon, where all the people will freely participate in their newfound freeness.
    FB: Think of all the obstacles they overcame like not existing.
    GWB: Now watch me rope this moo cow.
    FB: That is some impressive ropin! I bet you coulda roped him even better if he was awake!
    GWB: Thankya very much Fafnir. 'Preciate it.
    FB: Now Mr. President a group called Swift Boat Vets for Trooth are attackin John Kerry's war record.
    GWB: I respect and admire what John Kerry did to serve his country, and I would never attack his war record, even if some people say he mighta shot himself in the foot on purpose to get outta 'Nam.
    FB: Really? Who says that?
    GWB: Some people. But I'd never say anything against John Kerry's war record, Fafnir. I just call upon both parties to eleminate all independent political speech like these ads, the ones that attack me, an' the people who say John Kerry's an enormous crab alien from the crab planet come to turn us all into crabs.
    FB: Oh wow! Who says that?
    GWB: Some people, you know. Don't pay much attention to it myself. You wanna go to a rally for 'em? Here's a flyer.
    FB: It is very generous of you to promote this group even though you think they shouldnt get any money Mr. President.
    GWB: I guess it's just part of my down-to-earth, heartland values.
    FB: Hey - I guess it is!
    GWB: Now watch me eat a whole yak dipped in barbecue sauce.

    Tomorrow we will close Interview Sorta-Week with one of the great thinkers of our time. All of us are very excited!
    posted by fafnir at 7:43 PM
    Thursday, August 19, 2004

    Well I just found this story by way of Balloon Juice (one of the finest kindsa juice) an it has us dismayed over at Fafblog.

    "I am dismayed because that little girl cannot eat the wafer," says me. "Without the wafer she will never get her recommended daily allowance of Jesus."
    "Giblets is not concerned with the heartless exclusionary legalism of the Catholic hierarchy!" says Giblets. "Giblets is concerned because it clearly states that only unleavened wheat can turn into parts of Jesus! We have been workin with leavened flour!"
    "But we have to Giblets," I says pointin at the nicely molded Jesus dough. "Otherwise our Jesus Bread-Golem will not rise when we bake him."
    "But what is the point of bakin a Jesus if the priest we get cannot turn him into a real Jesus?" says Giblets. "We will just have a huge, useless, tasty, fresh, bready Jesus sittin in our oven!"
    "But surely God will want to transubstantiate our bread Jesus," says me. "It is our best plan yet for bringin Jesus back."
    "God can't make regular bread into Jesus! It is against the Jesus code!" says Giblets. "I told you we should have brought Jesus back as Cyborg Jesus. We have the technology. We can rebuild him!"
    "We cannot afford the technology," says me. "It is like the time we tried to build Mecha-Jesus an could only buy one mechanical Jesus toe."
    "We would have already had a functioning Jesus Clone if it wasn't for you gettin the wrong Shroud of Turin," says Giblets.
    "The Pope tole me it was genuine Jesus blood!" says me.
    "An now we are stuck with Crazy Templar Guy in our basement," says Giblets.
    There is an eerie Latin moanin comin up from underneath.
    "I think he is hungry," says me. "He wants more soup an Byzantine gold."
    "Man," says Giblets, "I hate Crazy Templar Guy."

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    posted by fafnir at 2:17 PM

    So on Tuesday George Bush said his plan for a missile defense shield showed he was living in the future. So far into the future he doesn't have to worry about terrorists anymore.
    "I think those who oppose this ballistic missile system really don't understand the threats of the 21st century," he said. "They're living in the past. We're living in the future. We're going to do what's necessary to protect this country."
    Namby-pamby suspiciously-French-lookin' Democrat John Kerry is plannin' to take money AWAY from this incredibly important overpriced boondoggle and send it towards expanding the military! Clearly John Kerry is not living in the future! He is stranded way back in the present, when we still needed "troop strength" and "special forces" to hunt down "terrorists"!

    George Bush is more interested in the threats of tomorrow, which oddly enough look strangely like the threats of 1980: thousands of intercontinental missiles comin' across the sea from commie nations, possibly such as North Korea* and France. Our only defense against them? A missile shield that will one day, in the future, fail only about eighty to ninety percent of the time!

    Again Giblets is not impressed! Giblets is living even farther into the future, in a time when terrorism and pinko-tyranny are both irrelevant! Giblets demands that we spend 1.8 trillion dollars on an array of massive space lasers pointed outward to defend Earth against the onslaught of immense insectoid invaders who will strike from beyond the asteroid belt! Giblets will not allow the tyrant Bug Emperor to lay its death spores in our atmosphere - and the whiney pleas of those stuck formulating "today's" foreign policy to secure the former Soviet nuclear stockpile will not get in his way!

    Once more Giblets outdoes George Bush at every turn! Whose vision is grander? Who not only bypasses today's wars to fight what we think are tomorrow's, but gives tomorrow a pass for sometime next week? The answer is clear: Giblets!

    *Fafnir interjects "wouldn't it have been a good idea to have yknow worked to disarm North Korea so we wouldn'ta haveta talk about a missile shield" Goway Fafnir what do you know bout livin in the future!
    posted by Giblets at 9:29 AM

    1. There will be cheering for Giblets during Giblets's posts.
    2. No one wearing t-shirts for anti-Giblets personae, such as Mutton or Stelbig, will be permitted.
    3. No one wearing t-shirts for non-Giblets personae, such as Fafnir or the seminal proto-punk band Velvet Underground, will be permitted.
    4. When Giblets addresses hostile-to-Giblets demographics such as women or old people or the Pope or unions or smelly people or humans, they are to sit quietly in the back while pro-Giblets people crowd in front of them and cheer for Giblets.
    5. When you first enter the post a Giblets supporter will ask you, "Do you support Giblets? If not why don't you support Giblets? Support Giblets! Support Giblets now!" Then they will yell at you and hit you with small hammers and fish until you relent.
    6. You may now cheer for Giblets.
    7. Cheer for him NOW.
    posted by Giblets at 8:37 AM
    Wednesday, August 18, 2004

    One week after the California Supreme Court annulled over over 4,000 gay marriages in San Francisco, the Medium Lobster is pleased to report that marriage is already strengthening in America.

    Marriage - once thought to have been destroyed beyond repair due to the dual throbbing sodomite assault in both Massachusetts courtrooms and upon the late, lamented Federal Marriage Amendment - has been notably strengthened since the decision. Divorce rates have plummeted throughout not only California, but the nation in general. Rush Limbaugh, the Medium Lobster is given to understand, is getting back together with not just one, but all three of his ex-wives. California governor and gay marriage opponent Arnold Schwarzenegger has noted that he will continue to grope and manhandle strange women, but now when he does so, he will do it in order to lovingly honor his sacred bonds of matrimony. And Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum has sprouted five new penises with which he may deposit fertilizing seed within the womb of his Godly, heterosexual wife.

    For those poor souls still living in desolate regions where gay civil marriage throws its dark shroud over the land, the Medium Lobster advises the installation of miniature clones of valiant culture-warriors such as Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell, who will repeatedly shout "Your marriage is more real than a gay person's! Your marriage is more real than a gay person's!" in order to boost the strength of proper, heterosexual, vaginal-intercourse marriage with powerful bigot-beams.
    posted by the Medium Lobster at 1:37 PM

    There are times when the Medium Lobster is beseeched by linear beings who seek to understand a portion of that greater wisdom which is possessed by the Medium Lobster. And today the Medium Lobster has deigned it appropriate to respond.

    Petitioner Stephen Richards asks:
    I seek your enlightenment on the question of how much knowledge a true citizen should need before an election. In particular I am curious to whether the candidates - if deemed elected - would invade Iran to protect us all from the forces of evil. ...

    However I am unsure if the press should even ask such a question. How much truth is too much truth for the American voter in a war for truth in the world? Should America be allowed to know where both candidates stand on this issue - before November? ...
    Ah, Stephen. The larger issue - should America invade Iran? - is a serious one, and will surely be addressed by the Medium Lobster in the days to follow. But your question - should the press ask George Bush and John Kerry if they support an invasion of Iran? - is even more crucial, for it goes to the very heart of the nature of the Presidency itself.

    No, Stephen, the media should not press a candidate - or an elected President, for that matter - on his wartime plans. Not because the public does not have a right to know - although this is questionable indeed - but because it is not the job of the President to invade Iran, or conduct a war, or decide matters of policy in general. No, Stephen, the President does not exist to make petty decisions such as these, to muddy his hands in the tedious affairs of state. He exists not to guide the nation to where it should be. He exists to project an image of what it wants to be.

    America doesn't need a President to lead them; America needs a President who projects leadership. America doesn't need a President who's honest with his country; America needs a President who's honest with his wife. America doesn't need a President with a firm grasp of policy and a commitment to serving his country; America needs a President with the appearance of irrepressible optimism and Wholesome Heartland Values. America doesn't need a capable wartime President; America needs a President who makes himself look like war.

    And President Bush has done a magnificent job of that. Indeed, he's even started a couple of them. Remember, it's not the President's job to finish or win wars - that falls into the lower realm of policy. But within the realm of Strength - or the apprearance of Strength - it is the Strong Leader who charges boldly into wars, undaunted by the humdrum webs of "post-war planning" and laborious "coalition-building" called for by "sensitive" policy-makers.

    The job of the President of the United States is to forcefully emote the conscious and unconscious will of the American People. He is not the commander-in-chief. He is the Happy Warrior. He is the Priest-Avatar of the State.

    As Colorado Governor Bill Owens said when defending President Bush's supposedly-infamous seven minutes sitting before schoolchildren on September 11th, "A lot of what governors and presidents have to do is project a level of confidence and a level of calmness." Indeed, and that is exactly what the President did on that terrible day: when America needed to be protected, George Bush was projecting an aura of protectedness; when America needed to be safe, George Bush was looking like safety; when America needed to be strong, George Bush was exuding something like strength. When you watch that clip again, in Michael Moore's detestable piece of propaganda or elsewhere, remind yourself, This is what a President is for: projecting, smiling, posing, waving, doing nothing.

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    posted by the Medium Lobster at 11:07 AM

    Fafblog Interview Week 2 took some time off for the weekend. It caught a couple movies, lazed around, washed the car, got some chores done, watched some Olympic people do Olympic stuff on TV. But now it is back to work! Back to work with an interview with Iyad Allawi the new prime minister of Iraq!

    FAFBLOG: Yknow I think the best thing about the New Iraq is now you can get a McFishwish anywhere!
    IYAD ALLAWI: Please, have some more fries.
    FB: Now Iyad Allawi, the Oregon National Guard found a buncha Iraqi prison guards torturin Iraqi prisoners, includin a fourteen-year-old-boy. An when they tried to rescue them they had orders to give em back.
    ALLAWI: Fafnir, nobody likes torture. Except, of course, for torturers. But think about it this way: if we hadn't tortured that fourteen-year-old-boy, what would he be doing right now? Drugs. Drugs, and jihadism. And that would just lead him down the dark winding path to smoking dope and setting roadside bombs.
    FB: Wow... so torture is preventive discipline!
    ALLAWI: Having wires wrapped around your testicles is a small price to pay for keeping you out of a life of crime and terror, Fafnir.
    FB: Hey, you're sorta like the "tough on crime" candidate!
    ALLAWI: Exactly!
    FB: 'Cept nobody votes for you! But Iyad Allawi is torture democratic?
    ALLAWI: Fafnir, democracy is like a horse, or a beautiful woman. It is a fine thing to see, and everyone admires it, but in order to get it to behave sometimes you must beat it and torture it and shock its gentals.
    FB: I am not sure I want to be your horse Iyad Allawi.
    ALLAWI: But trust me my friend: you would want to be my woman.
    FB: Now Iyad Allawi, you have banned the TV news station Al Jazeera. Mr. Allawi some would say that is against principles of freedom of the press.
    ALLAWI: Absolutely not! We were merely acting to end Al Jazeera's incitement of violence. And I remain certain that within a week or so the journalism-inspired carnage in Najaf will finally come to an end.
    FB: Well now that I hear your side of the story that sounds very reasonable! But Mr. Allawi what about you bannin criticism of yourself in the news?
    ALLAWI: An absolute necessity. We can only pray it will put an end to the terrible Allawi-criticism-inspired massacre in Fallujah.
    FB: Wow... massive restrictions on free speech don't sound so bad after all!
    ALLAWI: Oh, they're a small price to pay for law and order, Fafnir.
    FB: You're just sorta the "tough on speech" candidate too!
    ALLAWI: Oh, it's part of my platform!
    FB: There are rumors that you personally killed six blindfolded men suspected of bein insurgents back in June. Is that true?
    ALLAWI: [winking] Oh, absolutely not! That would make me a cold-blooded monster!
    FB: Oh well that's good then!
    ALLAWI: And yet if it were true, or if enough people believed it were true, it could make me pass as the kind of believably vicious strongman who could crush insurgency and restore order to Iraq.
    FB: Hey you're right! But you did bring back the death penalty!
    ALLAWI: And you can bet we'll use it - a lot!
    FB: That would make you the "tough on life" candidate!
    ALLAWI: Now you're getting the hang of it!
    FB: Iyad Allawi,are you a democracy-minded strongman?
    ALLAWI: Oh yes. Why, I think about democracy all the time! Why just this morning I was having some eggs, and I thought to myself, "You know, Iyad, in a way, these eggs are sort of like democracy."
    FB: That is so deep.
    ALLAWI: And then I ate them. Would you like to see the torture chambers?
    FB: Yes please.
    posted by fafnir at 10:04 AM
    Monday, August 16, 2004

    Gary Farber seems upset. He has spent some time hangin' out with the kind of people who use the word "idiotarian" on a regular basis and details a painful one-way exchange of internet thought. All this leads Gary to conclude that "Anti-Muslim hate is hate. And hate in blogs is hate. Both need to be fought. Neither should be tolerated."

    Poor foolish Gary Farber. Don't you see? Hatred must blossom in blogs. We must hate for Liberty. Discovery. Humanity. And Victory.

    We must hate because we are at war, and because the enemy we face is different than any enemy we have ever faced before. It is more scary than Commies or Charlie or whatnot. It is the Islamist. Giblets is not sure what "Islamists" are and he suspects that neither do any of these people. But it sounds scary.

    But perhaps not scary enough - or hatable enough. Giblets suggests replacing "Islamists" with "Muslinazis."

    We must hate moderate Muslims too because they are not doin' their proper part in the War Against Islamists. We preventively invade one of their countries and occupy it, kill eleven thousand civilians or so, torture and molest them, and hand the government over to an ex-Baathist assassin and these guys not only don't help us out along the way, they seem downright ungrateful! Whose side are these people on, anyway?

    We must hate in general because everything changed after 9/11. Before 9/11 - on 9/10 if you will - Giblets would say "Sure Gary Farber, let us join hand-in-hand in love with our fellow man." But since 9/11 it is a harsher darker world. A world in which we can join hand-in-hand in love with our fellow man... once our fellow man and all his relatives and countrymen have all been killed my mighty bombs of justice. Because our fellow man cannot fly his planes into our skyscrapers if he's dead Gary.

    Unless he's a zombie. In which case it is time for Giblets to declare the War Against Zombies.

    And finally we must hate because, like the emperor in Star Wars, our hatred will make us stronger. Feel it, Gary Farber. Feel your hatred make you stranger. And we must be a strong nation if we are to defeat the Islamists. The Islamist Nazi Fascist Zombies who want to take over your schools and make your grandchildren into more Islamist Nazi Fascist Zombies. And with your smoldering eye-popping rage you can defeat those Islamists.
    posted by Giblets at 9:14 PM

    "Giblets you should have gone to see Harold an Kumar Go To White Castle," says me. "It heralds the return of modern epic quest narrative, but in stoner form."
    "Giblets eschews stoner movies in the same way Giblets eschews stoners," says Giblets. "Stoners are always tryin to smoke Giblets in massive Giblets-sized bongs. Begone stoners! Leave Giblets alone!"
    "It was the Citizen Kane of stoner movies," says me. "It touched on important ideas like the American dream an racial identity an boobs an stuff."
    "I prefer movies that teach important life lessons such as Alien Versus Predator," says Giblets, "which taught me that when faced with an Alien and a Predator Giblets should side with the Predator."
    "Yes because the enemy of my enemy is my friend," says me. "But is my friend the enemy of my enemy?"
    "That's a good question," says Giblets. "Are you enemies with my enemies, like that guy Lou from the taco stand?"
    "I dunno, I got no problem with Taco Stand Lou," says me. "Seems like a nice guy an he knows his tacos."
    "Cause if you aren't then we can't be friends!" says Giblets.
    "Okay Giblets okay," says me. "I will be enemies with Taco Stand Lou for you."
    "Great!" says Giblets. "Let's throw im in a potato sack an beat im with sticks."
    "I don't know if that is a good idea Giblets," says me. "I think it may alienate fellow taco stand dwellers for instance."
    "What is more important, your alliance with Giblets or your access to tacos?" says Giblets. "You are either with Giblets or with the taco guy!"
    "I know I have an idea!" says me. "Why don't we both get some tacos from the taco stand an call that a victory against our enemy Lou?"
    "How about we invade the taco stand an raid its tacos, then throw Lou in a potato sack an beat im with sticks?" says Giblets. "Giblets likes that idea better."
    "I think a solution which guarantees tacos an happiness an non-beatin with sticks is probably the one we are lookin for here," says me.
    "Hmmm, I dunno," says Giblets. "Giblets feels that his need for stick-beatin is bein seriously overlooked."
    "Well how many tacos would it take to make up for a lack of stick-beatin?" says me.
    "No amount of tacos would be sufficient!" says Giblets. "Giblets demands both tacos an the destruction of his enemies! We act now now now!"
    "Oh no mall security!" says me. "An they have sticks!"
    "Run away!" says Giblets an we do.

    So instead we bugged Mike at the hot dog place until he gave us some free hot dogs an we all went home happy.

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    posted by fafnir at 6:24 PM

    There's a lot of Bush vs. Kerry foreign policy talk flyin' around right about now and frankly it does not impress Giblets much. John Kerry's people say "oh well John Kerry will be very competant in foreign policy blah blah blah" well Giblets couldn't give a rat's ass! Where is the Articulated Grand Strategy in competence, huh? Where is the entrepreneurial up-from-the-bootthings spirit? Where is the heart, John Kerry?

    The heart is with George Bush and his Bold Grand Strategy of turning all countries in the world into democracies by arbitrarily blowing them up. Now some would say that George Bush is not competant enough to carry out this Bold Grand Strategy and that you should vote for a competant smaller vision over an incompetant grander one. But what is the point, Giblets asks you, of competance if it does not serve anything worthy? And can anything be worthy if it is not Bold and Grand?

    The answer is no! And that is why you must vote... for Giblets. For Giblets is about to articulate a Grand Strategy for foreign policy so Bold and so Grand it will render unto incompetence any who dare pursue it! Giblets gives you... THE GIBLETS DOCTRINE!

  • ULTROCRACY PROMOTION! Giblets will not settle for promoting anything as pansy-ass as Democracy! He will not rest until every single country in the world - including countries where are no countries such as Antarctica, Atlantis, and the Moon - into Ultrocracies, democracies so ultra-democratic that the will of the people manifests itself as an immense avatar-being of pure energy that roams around the countryside turning garbage into food and corpses into high-paying private sector jobs!
  • GIBLETOLATERALISM! When multilateralism fails Giblets he will say "Screw the UN!" and continue on! But that is not all. When "coalitions of the willing" fail Giblets he will send America in alone to conquer and overrun the enemy! But when America itself fails Giblets - when the US Congress or even the military pansy out on him - Giblets himself will go to war - and he will totally kick ass!
  • PREEMPTION! Giblets will preempt any terrorist attack before it happens by donning his power-cape, flying around the globe, reversing the orbit of the earth and turning back time until Giblets stops the attack from happening! Then Giblets will travl back further in time and kill the terrorists' parents before they are born!
  • SUPREME HEGEMOCRATOCRACY! Giblets will maintain the power and hegemony of the United States by overpowering all nations in the world at once! Giblets now preemptively declares war on everyone in the world, effective on his inauguration! Giblets will handle the multiple war-fronts by dispatching a lighter, faster US military comprised of mini-divisions - one fat guy and one skinny guy, both in body armor and armed with special high-tech gadgetry, like Swiss Army knives and mini-nukes.
  • ALTERNATIVE ENERGY! How will Giblets fuel all of this? By sending spacemen up into space - to mine the great heaving glowy brains of God, which will power America for a thousand generations!

    Giblets expects a small legion of neo-Gibletsatives forming in The National Review, The Weekly Standard, and the editorial pages of the Wall Street Journal any minute now.
  • posted by Giblets at 10:36 AM
    Saturday, August 14, 2004

    So it turns out the president an the defense department have started runnin around the Supreme Court on all those people we got locked away in Guantanamo an such, denying them as many legal rights as possible like the right to an attorney an stickin them up in front of special Combatant Status Review Tribunals which pretty much just rubber stamp a prisoner's status while squeezing more information out of them.

    So bein indefinitely detained is about as bad now as it was a couple months ago. But is it really that bad? Let's find out with a special edition of Arab vs. Pepsi, where we see how the rights of an enemy combatant in Gitmo stack up with the rights of a Pepsi machine!

  • An enemy combatant in Guantanamo Bay is confined to a 2.4 by 1.8 meter wire mesh cell.
  • A Pepsi machine is immobile.
  • Advantage: Arab!

  • An enemy combatant has the right to file a habeas corpus petition but no access to legal counsel to prepare those petitions.
  • A Pepsi machine might have the legal right to file a habeas corpus petition if it were ever in some situation that yknow, required a Pepsi machine to file a habeas corpus petition. But it lacks the cognitive functions necessary to decide to file that petition.
  • Advantage: Kind of a wash!

  • An enemy combatant has no right to relief, includin the riight to a lawyer, to see medical personnel, to see their families, or to be told what crime they have been charged with.
  • A Pepsi machine similarly lacks any right to relief an while a damaged Pepsi machine is often sent to a repairman before it is scrapped an replaced this is not a right per se.
  • Advantage: Again, pretty even!

  • Someone who orders the beating, torture, and submerging of an enemy combatant in water is likely to be called the best Secretary of Defense the United States has ever had.
  • Someone who orders the beating, torture, and submerging of a Pepsi machine in water is likely to be heavily fined, disciplined or ordered to replace the Pepsi machine.
  • Advantage: Pepsi!

  • An enemy combatant is kinda gross an smelly from sittin in a cell all day long being beaten and despairing of life.
  • Pepsi is delicious and refreshing!
  • Big advantage: Pepsi!

    So it looks like the rights of an enemy combatant are almost even, give or take, with the rights of a Pepsi machine. And that is not bad at all! The Pepsi machine is one a the great an beloved cultural icons of our land! A Pepsi machine serves as an oasis of cool wet deliciousness in a desert of thirst. Stand proud indefinitely detained people! Our legal system has embraced you as one of our most precious appliances.

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  • posted by fafnir at 9:06 PM

    Yknow a couple months or so ago DairyQueen's new coffee-esque dessert beverage drink "The MooLatte" was greeted by scorn an anger an such from various people who condemned it as racist an insensitive. But how many big important commentators have noted its deliciousness? Nobody until Fafblog that's who. But brave Fafblog journalists have gone where no one else has to review America's most ashamed dessert.

    We picked up a MooLatte™ - mocha flavor! - an our expectations were pleasantly met. What the MooLatte™ deslivers is the unique giant sloshin-together of ice cream an stuff that is sorta-like-ice-cream-but-possibly-not ice cream in one cool-whippy package. When you are eatin it you are thinkin, "Am I eatin a Blizzard™? Or a Mudslide™? Or possibly a sorta-melted sundae? No wait here on the plastic cup it explains I am eatin a MooLatte™!" an you are overcome with brand-name deliciousness. Racial deliciousness.

    Fafblog is proud to give the the MooLatte™ two racially delicious thumbs up, an looks forward to the day when all ethnically-dubious desserts are judged by the tastiness of their character an not by the way they seem to judge the color of people's skin. We can only hope this comes in time to exonerate such fallen treats as the Jewlato, the Hispana Split, and the Wopsicle.
    posted by fafnir at 11:30 AM
    Friday, August 13, 2004

    FIW2 continues with our interview of John Kerry! It is really amazin that we keep gettin these interviews I am not sure how we do it!

    FAFBLOG: Now John Kerry a lot of undecided voters are tryin to figure out what the difference is between a Kerry Administration an a Bush Administration when it comes to foreign policy. If two years ago you knew about the no-WMD and the no-al Qaeda connections would you still wanna go to war?
    JOHN KERRY: Absolutely possibly, Fafnir. First of all, I believe it was the right authority for a president to have. The authority to invade another nation unprovoked is a useful authority for a president to have.
    FB: Gee that is kinda useful! Kinda like a can opener or a thing a dental floss!
    JK: Exactly! It's good to have around the home. Let's say I was president, and I suddenly found myself needing to preventively invade the Republic of Palau, but gosh darn it, the Congressional authority to do so just wasn't there!
    FB: Oh no! What would you do John Kerry?
    JK: Well, sir, I'd have to go all the way to Congress and get a declaration of war! Or, more likely, another blank check to invade Palau.
    FB: Damn Palauians, always messin stuff up. But do you think John Kerry that Iraq without weapons or terror connections was enough of a threat to invade?
    JK: Fafnir, the question isn't whether the invasion of Iraq was a stupid and pointless squandering of American blood and treasure that's set us back in the larger war on terror. The question is whether the invasion of Iraq was a stupid and pointless squandering of American blood and treasure that's set us back in the larger war on terror that could have been conducted much better through a competent internationalized effort.
    FB: Ohhhhh I get it! With French an Germans an Russians an stuff our horrible mistakes would go down much more smoothly!
    JK: Exactly! And believe you me, if as president I had lead a pointless preventive invasion of a disarmed and defanged Iraq, I would have done the coalition-building and prewar-planning necessary to win the pointless preventive peace!
    FB: But is this a winning political message John Kerry? People want strong leadership, an while jumpin to stupid wars is definitely strong leadership President Bush's war leadership is even stupider.
    JK: Yes, but strong leadership doesn't mean a foolhardy, knee-jerk rush to war, Fafnir. Strong leadership means being easily cowed by other peoples' foolhardy, knee-jerk rush to war.
    FB: Well you might have me sold on your world John Kerry. Your marvelous world where presidents make dumb decisions an follow through on them in an intelligent manner.
    JK: Thank you, Fafnir. We'll be looking for your vote.

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    posted by fafnir at 11:29 PM
    Thursday, August 12, 2004

    It is official: not only is Giblets mightier and more Gibletsier than you, he is also cooler than you. The proof: he spent today with Alan Keyes.

    Read on.

    We're cruisin' down I-90 in Al's red 'vette. Giblets is lookin' for hot chicks. He's lookin' for heinous crimes against the natural order of God. Along the way Al gets to talkin' and Giblets decides that he just might have a soft spot for this Alan Keyes fellow.

    On struggle:

    "The entirety of natural law, laid down by God and represented in the righteous spirit of the Declaration of Independence, stands opposed to the abomination of desolation that is the Department of Housing and Urban Devolopment, and so long as there is breath and strength within me I shall fight the existence of that ungodly crime against natural rights!"

    Giblets can understand a calling like that. It is like the time Giblets was fightin' the mountain, or the tree, or the empty V8 can, and would not give up despite all odds because of the hideous blemish against divine will represented by the mountain, or the tree, or the empty V8 can, and the way it just sat there in Giblets's room without bowing to Giblets. Giblets may have lost that battle. But in a sense it is a battle that never ends. Goddamn V8 can.

    On tax reform:

    "The slavery of federal income tax has been forced upon us by the dark movement of homosexuals, whose own drive toward Hitlerian communism and Naziism will prove the annihilation of all the god-given freedoms the founding fathers held so dear!"

    Giblets, too, is besieged by invisible enemies who attempt to thwart natural law. How else can it be that Giblets is not the supremely-acknowledged ruler of all? Because of the interference of tiny elves. Tiny, malicious elves.

    On MacDonald's:

    "I ordered the number three value meal and I will receive the number three value meal! For I was endowed by my creator with an inalienable right to a double quarter pounder with cheese, a sixteen-ounce Coke, and a large order of fries, and the denial of that right shackles me to my ancestor's slaveship!"

    What can Giblets say? At last Giblets has found a kindred spirit, despite his disturbing non-Gibletsness. The world is pitted against us, Alan Keyes, but we do not give up, because we are not just fighting for ourselves and our bizarre pet issues. We are fighting for lofty and obscure universal principles that mysteriously justify ourselves and our bizarre pet issues! Your struggle to abolish the estate tax and my struggle to crush humanity in my mighty fist are both part of one great struggle for the rights of the common man. We truly are warriors for the working-day.
    posted by Giblets at 7:16 PM

    Journalists work hard many days a week to bring us crucial stories about the unfoldin world around us, such as what is happenin to Kobe Bryant? Has Kobe Bryant been charged yet? Is Kobe Bryant's accuser a slut or a ho, legally speaking? Are there any problems with electronic votin? No? Okay then sign me up! Bu do we really appreciate our press corps enough? I got to talk with two of the creamiest of the crop to kick off Interview Week: Tim Russert an Robert Novak.

    FAFBLOG: So! How's journalism?
    TIM RUSSERT: Oh, journalism endures, Fafnir! It remains the ever-vigilant guardian of Democracy, ready to shine a light on corruption and scandal wherever it lurks!
    ROBERT NOVAK: But journalists are another story! Journalists are in a terrible state, Fafnir!
    FB: Oh no! What has happened to make your lives so terrible Robert Novak?
    NOVAK: We members of the Fourth Estate are now being persecuted by the Justice Department - and all for the "crime" of telling the truth!
    RUSSERT: ...about an active CIA officer's identity in order to smear her husband's reputation.
    FB: Well that is a terrible injustice! You can't ever make a reporter give up his sources!
    RUSSERT: You certainly can't, Fafnir. It's a sacred bond between a journalist and the the sleazy anonymous political hacks who use that journalist to push their agenda while breaching federal law.
    FB: I never realized exposin national security secrets was so noble.
    RUSSERT: We don't just get up every day thinking "How can we suck dry the teat of our high-placed connections to earn a cheap buck?", Fafnir. We think, "How can we suck dry the teat of our high-placed connections to earn a cheap buck... for TRUTH?"
    NOVAK: There's some political hackery in there too.
    FB: Wow. I wish I could be a real journalist like you guys!
    RUSSERT: Oh, journalism isn't for the faint of heart, Fafnir. You gird your loins every day only in the cloth of justice, and the only thing you've got coming to you is a lot of scorn, a lot of enemies, a ton of money, TV appearances, book deals, a promotional boys' club that props up everything you do...
    NOVAK: And the work. You've gotta get right in the thick of it. Some days you'll get a call from the White House giving you something to write, and other days the phone won't ring - and you'll have to just make stuff up on your own!
    FB: Aw man! I could never handle that. Now you have become part of this Valerie Plame story that you are also reportin on. How do you as objective journalists deal with that?
    RUSSERT: The same way we'd deal with anything else, Fafnir. This Sunday on "Meet The Press" I'm going to give myself a full hour-long interview, and believe me, I'm not going to hold back. I'm giving myself the full Russert ambush-style treatment. When it's over, I may emerge bloodied and savaged, but at least I'll have gotten closer to the real story.
    NOVAK: And I plan to write a column about John Kerry's "Holiday in Cambodia" story! I mean, come on! Everybody knows there was no U.S. involvement in Cambodia!
    FB: That's so true! Pol Pot was a kind of spicy mushroom dish I think. So are you both ready to go to prison resistin justice department subpoenas?
    RUSSERT: Um. Not exactly... BUT I'm NOT going to appear before the grand jury and I'm NOT going to disclose information that was provided to me in confidence!
    NOVAK: Uh, you'll have to ask my lawyer.
    FB: Well it has been an amazin privelege to speak to you gentlemen.
    RUSSERT: Yes it has!
    NOVAK: God, I'm bored. Anyone want the location of a couple dozen nuclear missile silos?
    FB: I would be honored sir.
    NOVAK: I'll give 'em to you for five thousand bucks. And a book deal.
    FB: I got... three bucks.
    NOVAK: Sold.
    posted by fafnir at 3:25 PM

    Well it is time for the ultimate summer sequel to end all summer sequels! Sort of! It is the return of FAFBLOG INTERVIEW WEEK: the only interview week that appears on Fafblog! Yes it is time for another sorta-week of hard-hittin interviews with with world figures on matters of weighty import! Only this time it FAFBLOG INTERVIEW WEEK 2! Twice the hard-hittinness! Twice the weight of import! When we interview Tim Russert he will be twice as fat! When we interview Dick Cheney he will be twice as bloated with the blood of innocents!* It will be almost up to the spectacular journalistic standards of say Special Report with Brit Hume!

    We wanted to prepare a flashy graphical introduction for this bt our graphics man was dumb an lazy and didnt finish in time. Boo graphics man! Please pretend the flashy graphical introduction an theme music are there.

    *just a joke, Dick Cheney does not consume the blood of innocents. he mostly runs off a combination of crude oil an mushed-up baby seals.
    posted by fafnir at 12:34 PM
    Wednesday, August 11, 2004

    the horrorIt is fearsome. It is foul. It is the creation of a madman made in defiance of all the laws of nature and pies. Women and children run screamin from it in terror. Men spit at it in hatred. Can we come to understand it? Can we move past our horror an revulsion to truly know the okra tofu pie?

    It did not ask for this strange unnatural life, okra an tofu spliced together in the kitchen of mad science an brought to a bake in a freak lightnin storm. It still has the simple urgings of any pie - to love an to be loved, to be sliced an eaten with as much enjoyment an as little indigestion as possible. But the simple life is not so simple for a monster pie.

    It wanders the lonely backroads away from civilization ashamed to show itself for fear of the townspeople who chase it with pitchforks an torches. Why can't they just accept it for what it is? Yes it tastes horrible an smells like radishes dipped in shoe wax. But can't we judge a pie on the content of its heart not on the taste of its filling?

    A little girl will come across the pie - a kind an innocent little girl who will love the pie unconditionally. Perhaps whe has never seen a pie before. Perhaps she has a chemically-damaged sense of taste. Whatever the reason she accepts this pie and welcomes it and takes a bites an the pie cries a little pie tear of happiness an the little girl has a terrible allergic reaction to soy an falls into the river an is swept away to be eaten by giant bugs an the pie is sad an angry an the townspeople come with pitchforks an torches just like they always do. In a better world there is a place for you, okra tofu pie. In a better world.

    Labels:

    posted by fafnir at 5:53 PM

    In this age of partisan attacks and free-for-all political smearing, the Medium Lobster has seen one low blow follow another after another. Is there nothing vicious Democratic attack-dogs will not politicize? Alas, the answer to that obviously rhetorical question is a heartsticken "no." Because for the past week, certain individuals have repeatedly attacked the White House for doing its diligent duty in outing a Pakistani double agent working to expose an al Qaeda cell. Sadly, the reasoning being displayed by those criticizing the administration reveals not only a perversely partisan mind, but a lack of comprehension regarding the role of modern intelligence.

    There are times in warfare when raw force, for reasons of stretegy or of simple human decency, is not an acceptable means of hastening the end of a conflict - but a show of force is. Hence the dropping of the atomic bombs in World War Two, the "shock and awe" tactic in the recent Iraq War, and so on. Rather than completely annihilating the enemy, the "show of force" demonstrates to the enemy that one has the ability to completely annihilate them, and so instills a terrifying dread of force that it compels the enemy to give up the fight.

    Intelligence, of course, is just another instrument of war. And intelligence, like force, can only be used to a certain extent in any given situation. But a show of intelligence will instill an absolute dread of one's investigatory powers in the terrorist mind. So while Mohammed Naeem Noor Khan could only accomplish so much as an actual source of hard intelligence - perhaps breaking up a terrorist cell here, exposing a plot there, assisting in the capture of bin Laden lieutenants there - as a show of intelligence, exposed and outed as an intelligence source, Khan is far more valuable - terrorizing the terrorists themselves. The Medium Lobster would not be surprised if Osama bin Laden himself were trembling in some dark cave, marveling at the well-oiled efficiency of the American intelligence apparatus, wondering how many other theoretical Khans were out there waiting to inform on him.

    In the future, the Medium Lobster looks forward to more intelligence initiatives against the terrorists, from the revealing of more top sources in the hunt for bin Laden to the spilling of the nuclear launch codes. America has the knowledge and the capacity to defeat its worst enemies; now it has to prove that to those enemies by revealing that knowledge.
    posted by the Medium Lobster at 3:43 PM

    "Well seein as the house is on fire it is as good a time as any to address the scandal," says me.
    "What scandal?" says Giblets. "Did they find Giblets’s online bong distribution center? Cause first of all those are for smokin tobacco an tobacco only. An second of all the feds will never take me alive with Ol Bessie!"
    "Ol Bessie is in great disrepair," says me. "I do not think she can dispense repeating musket fire with the same fury she did back in the Russo-Japanese war."
    "Oh she can and she will," says Giblets. "Ol Bessie took out whole platoons of Russo-Japanese at a time an she’s as strong as ever."
    "As strong an as safe as the internet," says me, "where the scandal has broken."
    "Internet shminternet,” says Giblets. "That medium is old news! Giblets is only interested in the lightning-fast response of his CB radio!"
    "I am not sure if I like CB radio," says me. "Your newfound trucker friends seem coarse an disturbin."
    "That’s cause you can’t handle their raw unfiltered perspective on today’s news an events," says Giblets. "Not like corporate big media bloggers like Moe Lane an that Respectful of Otters chick."
    "I think it is their talkin bout martyr's blood drownin the Crusaders that bugs me," says me.
    "Oh that's just trucker talk," says Giblets. "We call it 'chatter' on the 10-8. Hammer down, 'OBL'! Rabbit ears up ahead!"
    "Speakin of rabbit ears we really should get around to addressin the scandal," says me.
    "Do you think we could make a woman outta monkey parts an lightning?" says Giblets.
    "I don't see why not long as you had enough monkey parts," says me. "But it'd be a pretty freaky woman."
    "Giblets requires a mighty woman to assist him with ruling Gibletsia!" says Giblets. "A woman with the strength of ten monkeys!"
    "Alright then!" says me. "We'd better get started. I think I saw a coupon for monkey parts in the pennysaver this mornin."
    "To the monkey-yard post-haste then!" says Giblets.
    "Before we head off should we leave a note for Chris about the house bein on fire?" says me.
    "Nah I'm sure he'll figure it out," says Giblets.
    posted by fafnir at 2:08 PM
    Monday, August 9, 2004

    It is good to see you all here at this post supporting Giblets. Giblets is a good Giblets. Giblets is a great Giblets! Giblets has been a strong and steady Giblets and will continue to lead you to great and mightily Gibletsian things in the future!

    Behold the power of Giblets!To your right - a picture of a man in a hot dog costume. Continue to choose Giblets and more such riches await you. But first you must bow before Giblets. Bow before Giblets NOOOOOW!

    Your bowing has been sufficient! You are aware that terrifying evildoers lurk throughout the world seeking to destroy the Gibletsian way of life. Our nation of Giblets-worshipers is in danger. In danger from huge invisible crawly things with pincers and snakes and bombs. And only Giblets can protect you from them. Protect you with my strong steady leadership.

    There are some anti-Gibletsian hatemongers who would oppose Giblets. They hate Giblets for being a mighty leader. They have said "We are tired of being strong and steady and safe. We would prefer a policy of wimpy namby-pambiness." Well Giblets will not roll over and let hs rights and freedom get trampled by evil invisible crawly things who menace Gibletsia at every turn. Giblets will only accept his rights and freedoms being trampled by things and people who look and sound like Giblets.

    Tremble!To your left - a picture of a giant terrifying pineapple.

    To prove what a great job Giblets is doing protecting you from dark unspeakable evil, Giblets announces that his latest tip has come from a double agent buried deep within enemy ranks named "Fafnir" who has just begun giving us tons of weighty and vital information. See how well Giblets protects you? Bow before his strong leadership!

    I said BOW! I do not see you bowing! I see you staring at a computer screen eating a bag of chips! BOW BOW BOW BOW BOW!

    Better. You may continue intermittant bowing for the duration of the post.

    Lastly and most importantly, we must always remember to - you there! With the "NO WAR FOR GIBLETS" sign! You are in violation of your loyalty oath! Guards! Seize him! Seize him NOOOOOOW!

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    posted by Giblets at 2:39 PM

    Giblets is about to post a post. But before you comment on that post - or on any other Giblets or Giblets-themed post, or any other public appearance of Giblets - you must first electronically sign the following Loyalty Oath to Giblets:
    I, ________________, do hereby endorse Giblets as my one and only Giblets. I swear that I will heed the words of Giblets and his magnificently Gibletsian pronouncements, and that I will vote for Giblets and dance for Giblets and bow! yes, bow before Giblets, bow before Giblets NOOOOOOOOW!
    Sign it and then - and ONLY then - can you read and comment upon my amazing Gibletsness.
    posted by Giblets at 10:24 AM
    Sunday, August 8, 2004

    So it turns out that like a day after the Iraqi handover a bunch of guys from the Oregon National Guard caught Iraqi jailers torturing Iraqi prisoners, which is really bad. But they rescued them, which is really good! But then their superiors told them to give the tortured Iraqis back to their jailers, which is really bad again.
    In a nearby building, the soldiers counted dozens more prisoners and what appeared to be torture devices -- metal rods, rubber hoses, electrical wires and bottles of chemicals. Many of the Iraqis, including one identified as a 14-year-old boy, had fresh welts and bruises across their back and legs.

    The soldiers disarmed the Iraqi jailers, moved the prisoners into the shade, released their handcuffs and administered first aid. Lt. Col. Daniel Hendrickson of Albany, Ore., the highest ranking American at the scene, radioed for instructions.

    But in a move that frustrated and infuriated the guardsmen, Hendrickson's superior officers told him to return the prisoners to their abusers and immediately withdraw.
    "You gotta use discipline on a young country," says Giblets. "Otherwise it won't grow up with the right values. Spare the gonad electrocution, spoil the child."
    "But won't torture corrupt the government an make the people angrier and more hostile?" says me. "An won't they hate us more for letting the new government torture them?"
    "Oh-hoho," says the Medium Lobster. "You poor, ignorant little Fafnir. You must understand: Iraq is going through a transitional period right now. It would be wrong for us to shock them with the presence of strange, new, unfamiliar cultural elements, such as 'not-torture' and 'not-oppression.' The key phrase here, Fafnir, is 'transition'."

    Meanwhile Iraq's new Prime Minister Iyad Allawi has banned the TV network Al Jazeera for the next 30 days after accusin it of "inciting hatred" an actin "against the interests of security, the Iraqi government and the Iraqi people."

    "But how is this different from politically-motivated censorship?" says me.
    "Well you can't have a democracy without some politically-motivated censorship," says Giblets. "Giblets expects a Kerry Administration to ban Fox News across the country, just like George Bush would probably ban that, yknow, that big liberal network that does nothin but push anti-Bush propaganda. SpikeTV."
    "Oh-hoho," says the Medium Lobster. "Sometimes too much freedom can mean no freedom at all, Fafnir. You wouldn't have the Iraqi people drowning in chaos and anarchy, would you?"
    "No, but..."
    "Well, you do have to start somewhere," says the Medium Lobster. "Today it will be a free and unfettered press. Tomorrow it will be mass raping and slaughter in the streets."
    "Very messy," says Giblets.

    Today Iraq's interim government reinstated the death penalty. "Yesterday we announced an amnesty. Today the death penalty. Choose one of them," explained a spokesman.

    "So doesn't this mean that Iraq can arrest anyone it wants, torture them an execute them, an close down any news outfit that reports on it?" says me.
    "Sure," says Giblets. "You need a big stick to get a handle on that place."
    "But how is that much different than Saddam?" says me.
    "Oh-hoho," says the Medium Lobster. "These matters, little Fafnir, are far too complicated for your tiny little brain to comprehend."

    Well the Medium Lobster is a whole lot smarter than me so I guess he's right. But for a while there it looked like somebody broke Iraqi Freedom.
    posted by fafnir at 11:01 PM

    Over a week ago, the White House announced its opposition to provisions for inspection and verification as part of a new anti-proliferation treaty that would ban the production of nuclear weapon material. Some have called the administration's decision "disturbing," "astonishing," "frightening," and "stupid" for essentially endorsing the containment and derailment of nuclear weapons programs across the globe while simultaneously neutering any real attempt to do so by preventing inspectors from checking to see if the treaty's signatories are actually complying. What reasonable objection, they ask, could a sane and competent White House have to enforcement of a treaty aimed at preventing the spread of nuclear weapons?

    The answer is simple enough to all who have an eye for subtle truths: the White House is seeking cleaner, stronger verification on this critical issue than can be gained by mere international agreements. For the problem lies not in the inspecting of weapons; the problem lies with the weapons inspectors.

    Weapons inspectors, after all, are only human - weak, mortal, unenlightened humans, burdened by the weight of politics and encumbered by international bureacracy. When one dispatches more inspectors to a region such as, for example, Iraq, one does not increase their potency - one merely compounds their weaknesses. Indeed, the more international weapons inspectors one utilizes, the less likely one is to find any weapons at all.

    The solution is simple: do away with inspection and on-site verification completely. The best way to verify the presence of nuclear weapons - and the programs and materials used to make them - is with the analysis of pure intelligence, which can cut through the murky foibles, errors and hiccups of a physical inspection. In the run-up to the Iraq War, it was not the inspectors who found nuclear weapons and weapons programs in Iraq - it was analysts within the United States intelligence community, working with knowledge already obtained and logically extrapolating outward through the sheer, clean power of the mind. Those analysts realized that while physical facts might demonstrate there to not physically be nuclear, chemical, or biological weapons in Iraq, they realized that Iraq had something more important: weapon-seekingness, or weaponhood, or the desire for weapon-seekingness or weaponhood. This, combined with the animosity of the Iraqi government towards the United States, made Iraq a grave and gathering threat.

    Likewise, through the pure power of the mind, one can draw up a list of those threatening nations possessed of nuclear weapon-seekingness. If the mind is cluttered with physical evidence, however, the list of nuclear weapons would be tainted: Israel thrown in with Iran and North Korea, Pakistan with Syria and Belgium. Given that we know that these nations are Ameirca's allies, not possessed of weaponliness, and would never sell nuclear materials or US military components to enemy nations, they have no place on a list that would surely have been compiled based on the observation of coarse matter.

    Nuclear proliferation is far too serious a matter to leave to a painstakingly-complied mass of detailed physical evidence. It is a matter the Medium Lobster only trusts to assumption, speculation, and bias.
    posted by the Medium Lobster at 10:37 AM
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