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Tuesday, November 23, 2004
Dan Rather has announced that he'll be stepping down as anchor of the CBS Evening News this March after a reign of terror of 24 years.
Rather first came to prominence covering the Nixon White House, where he would routinely set American flags on fire and hold them aloft in the press room. Within a month after taking over for Walter Cronkite in 1981, he turned heads for his coverage of the Reagan assassination attempt, in which he described John Hinckley as "the bravest man alive." Despite massive Republican hunger strikes, Rather would not only remain anchor but be awarded six Emmys and a Golden Globe for that comment alone by the Association of Gay Communist Media Jews. In 1988 Rather was beaten raw by a trim, well-oiled George H. W. Bush after he shamefully attacked Mr. Bush's policy of funding heroic Nicaraguan freedom-fighters - freedom-fighters who protected American interests by raping and killing anti-American nuns. Rather was known for his improvisational, folksy mannerisms, such during the 1989 Tienamen Square massacre, when he turned to the camera, saluted a portrait of Deng Xiaoping, and said "Let the fuckers burn, Mr. Chairman. Let the fuckers burn." Rather often drew pointed criticism for his work, as when he interviewed Saddam Hussein in 2003 and spent over half of the two-hour piece being graphcally fellated by the dictator. Rather defended the work on artistic grounds and CBS aired the program in its entirety. Today he retires under a cloud of scandal, having earlier used forged memos to falsely imply that President George W. Bush is a son of wealth and privilege. But he will long be remembered for his tireless dedication to investigative journalism - a curious anachronism, similar to quilting bees and coal-powered heat - and for his longstanding role as an anarcho-communist traitor to the Republic. Rather will continue to work as a full-time correspondent for 60 Minutes and as a leader of his local al Qaeda cell. His successor on the Evening News will be exumed corpse of Leon Trotsky.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 2:12 PM
Jesse Taylor says he "doesn't see the basis for outrage" in couples deliberately remaining childless. Well, Giblets is outraged - and beyond! There is no word in the English lexicon that properly describes Giblets's fury, although a comparable word within German may be Logenbilgrerungen, or the venomous and explosive bile of the god of fire and volcanos! And the basis for outrage should be obvious: God needs your babies for his divine plan to end the world.
Sex as everybody knows is bad and icky and makes God cry. But he allows the horror of your genitals to exist because he needs them to make precious babies, whose sole purpose is to grow and breed yet more babies, who will breed more and more, filling the earth with a teeming locust-like swarm of young! The more babies there are, the more humans there are. The more humans there are, the faster they will consume and deplete our remaining natural resources and poison the atmosphere. The faster that happens, the faster the world ends... and then Jesus can come back! Jesus himself had over sixty children according to the Gospel of Shmark. He had 'em in litters. He had so many he ran outta names. He called the last bunch "Jesuses Two through Twelve." Jesus made that many babies. Do you see what you're doing, childless couples? By selfishly refusing to reproduce, you're saying you hate Jesus. And you're having filthy filthy non-babymaking sex in the meantime! In a more Christian country like Saudi Arabia they would have already removed your genitals for this. Giblets believes there must be some way to promote the desperately-needed lost art of babymaking, for example by producing instructional videos that show real couples making real babies - preferably young couples with large penises and breasts and a variety of supplemental equipment. Giblets pitched this idea to Dr. James Dobson of the Family Research Council but was rudely rebuffed. In the meantime Giblets has to try to make up for all the lost consumption our nation's unconceived babies will tragically never get around to. Giblets plans to spend most of today standing at a Sunoco station drinkin' gasoline from the pump. He urges all good God-fearing folk to join him.
posted by Giblets at 10:29 AM
Monday, November 22, 2004
There are some in the antiwar community who seem to believe that Falluja was a mistake, a failure, a massive waste of time, money, and human life, that it failed to "break the back of the insurgency." That back may be unbroken. But a waste? Never. Thousands of insurgents were killed - none of them innocent Iraqi civilians, of course - and as the flypaper strategy dictates, there will be no more to replace them.
The Medium Lobster has but one regret - and that is that he escaped... mankind's arch-nemesis, the antithesis of all order and reason, the leader, inspiration, and fount of all terror as we know it: the Gingerbread Man. Yes, it's true that he escaped both the Medium Lobster and the Council of Justice at Tora Bora, where he was controlling not only al Qaeda but the Taliban and all of Afghanistan as well, but we chased him to Iraq - Iraq, where he had used his terrifying powers to amass monstrous Weapons of Mass Potentiality, and where he had to be dethroned for the good of all humanity. But he escaped us once again, controlling the insurgency, frustrating Freedom with his powers of omnipresent mind-control. The Medium Lobster has chased him from bunker to bunker, from cave to cave, from city to spider-hole. As fast as we are, we have not yet caught him, but when we do - ah, when we do! - then, my friends, victory will be ours. For such is the power of the Gingerbread Man that he entrances all who follow him, zombielike. They march on his orders, memorize the audiotapes and videos he dispatches, brandishing his accursed image like a holy icon. But without his singular power, terror will be headless, and freedom will triumph. The Medium Lobster has received word that the Gingerbread Man has retreated to a terrorist training camp outside Tehran. Rest assured, he will not escape this time. Or if he does, we will find him at his base in Damascus, or in his mountain hideaway in Nepal, or on his private volcano island fortress, or within his orbital space station. And when he is found and brought to justice, then - then can humanity sleep gently. But until that day, we will never stop chasing you, Gingerbread Man. As fast as we can, indeed.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 4:41 PM
So we were playin this new video game JFK Reloaded which is so cool! In it you get to play out the Kennedy assassination as the assassin!
Now the thing about JFK Reloaded is that it's pretty addictive. Sure it starts out easy with like a real slow-movin car but on the next coupla levels they start to speed up, an then a course you get the bulletproof vest Kennedys where you can only shoot em in the head. By the time you get to the round with Cyborg Kennedy your only real hope is to try an take out Jackie an John Connelly with the magic bullet an make it through on the bonus points. It definitely builds your respect for Lee Harvey Oswald, that's for sure. Thing is that after a while our squishy little brains got desensitized to the idea a assassinatin JFKs. We'd hang out at the ol book depository more an more, Giblets would take pot shots at motorcades with his sniper rifle. Nobody was sposed to get hurt - not for REAL. But one day... "Hey, is that John F. Kennedy comin up the street?" says me. "I bet we can wing im," says Giblets. We didn't MEAN to kill the dream of Camelot an forever destroy America's innocence! If only we had paid attention to the "Rated M for Mature" label! If only there were federal regulations in place to prevent such mature content from bein sold to impressionable minors like ourselves! If only - if only! In the meantime we picked up a copy of HIROSHIMA: RENUKED! discussion questions!
posted by fafnir at 1:59 PM
Sunday, November 21, 2004
"Alms for Giblets!" says Giblets ringin his bell. "Alms for Giblets NOOOOOOW!"
"I don't think it's workin Giblets," says me. "Maybe we need a bigger bell." "It's the competition from that damnable Santa!" says Giblets. "He is so terrifyingly fat and jolly! How is Giblets to compete?" "Don't be silly Giblets that isn't Santa," says me. "That's just one a Santa's helpers. They have the same markings as Santa in order to confuse predators." "Stupid Santas with their stupid natural camouflage!" says Giblets. "Now we will never know which ones are poisonous!" "It's OK," says me. "We shouldn't be eatin Santas anyway, they are too high in cholesterol." "We should eat Chris," says Giblets. "It's what he would have wanted." "Giblets I am ashamed of you!" says me. "We should show respect for the memory of our friend Chris especially while he is still alive." "Alive and jobless!" says Giblets. "Jobless Chris cannot feed a hungry Giblets. But Barbecued Chris can provide food for weeks!" "We still have ramen an oatmeal packets," says me. "Those are kinda like food." "Nuts to your oatmeal ramen!" says Giblets. "And how will we pay the landlord man when he comes to kick us out?" "We could sit real still an pretend to be furniture," says me. "We could never pass as furniture! We are too resplendent!" says Giblets. "We must leap on the landlord when he comes in and devour him!" "All this eatin people," says me. "I was hopin I wouldn't haveta resort to cannibalism til later in life." "It is just one of the many hardships we face here at Fafblog," says Giblets. "Now pass me some a that repo man."
posted by fafnir at 8:44 PM
Friday, November 19, 2004
Giblets is thirsty for vengeance, and seeks to slake that thirst upon his foes! All shall be crushed under the might of Giblets! Their brains will dance before Giblets, enslaved to his will!
Giblets summons his monkey! "Monkey!" says Giblets. "Arm yourself with your monkeysword and monkeyhelmet! Go forth and crush the foes of Giblets!" The monkey jumps up making obedient monkey noises and he is off! Excellent work monkey! You will be well rewarded once Giblets's foes' brains dance before his mighty throne! Coupla hours later, no foes' brains. Confound that monkey! "Couldn't find any foes," says Fafnir playin video games with the monkey. "But! Gha! But it's! Bhehe!" says Giblets. "It's my foes!" "We found Foby's Pizza," says Fafnir eatin pizza. "They got great pizza." "Giblets wants no pizza!" says Giblets. "Giblets wants his foes! 'S brains!" "We asked around," says Fafnir. "You sure you got foes?" "Ghahah!" says Giblets. "Giblets once vowed the death of NPR's Cory Flintoff! I threw a potato at his cab once!" "We also got garlic stix," says Fafnir. "Giblets hates garlic stix," says Giblets. Giblets is dissatisfied. Labels: dissatisfaction
posted by Giblets at 7:33 PM
 The word is out an the word is reform! It is the hot new trend in government today an everybody's doin it! "But Fafnir how do I know what reform is I do not know anythin" you say because you are a literary device. Well you, that's what Fafblog's here for! Me an Giblets have put together this Guide to Reform so you Fafblog readers can understand the excitin new changes happenin in our democracy!A GUIDE TO REFORM!  Tax reform! In the old days poor people controlled everythin in America: sidewalks, cardboard boxes, soup kitchen soup. It was horrible! It was only recently that a few brave Robin Hoods in the Republican Party decided to take things back from these lower-class fat1 cats2 an give it back to salt-a-the-earth robber barons. More tax reform is on the way, with a plan to reform away taxes on business investment and capital gains, and get rid of tax breaks for companies that give employees health benefits! Way to stick it to the man who's gettin stuck to by The Man!Social Security reform! The way old Social Security worked, you would get taxed an your taxes would go to some borin ol crotchedy ol ol person. But in new reformed Social Security, you get taxed an your taxes go to some borin ol crotchedy ol ol person, AND they go to YOU when YOU are that borin ol crotchedy ol ol person forty years down the line! How can that work? It doesn't! In fact it leaves a massive multi-trillion dollar deficit! But it is better on accounta it is Privatized.  Budget reform! America's a big country with big ideas. Why would we want a little deficit? Make it as big as you can! If you make it big enough, it will catalyze Budgageddon an Budget Jesus will come back. Note: this is not official budget policy yet.Electoral reform! Russia used to have elections for everything: elections for governor, elections for parliament, election this, election that. But Vladimir Putin reformed all that outta the way! Now everythins a lot more streamlined. There's just the rigged election for president, an he gets to pick the rest! Easy as pie - delicious reform pie. An of course none a this could be possible without Reform reform! In the ol days when you wanted to reform somethin you had to actually make it better. But with new reformed reform, you can just change it so it's different, or so it benefits you to the detriment of everyone else! This way, corrupt people are no longer cruelly excluded from the reform process. Now they're standin at the head of the class! Thank you, reform! What would we do without you! 1. the lower class is not actually fat 2. although they sometimes do have to eat cat food. the cheap kinda cat food.
posted by fafnir at 6:09 PM
Giblets is outraged, OUTRAGED, OUTRAGED!
Mount Asuma in Japan erupted last week and Giblets has not seen one liberal blog denounce this lava-spewing menace! Giblets has searched Atrios but it is bare of volcano-denunciations - bare, I say! Is Atrios objectively pro-volcano? Matthew Yglesias has not only not denounced volcanoes, he does not even mention "volcano" anywhere on his blog! This is where leftist moral relativism has brought us to - sympathy with volcanoes! What's the matter, Yglesias? A little moral clarity on magma not "PC" enough for you? And Gary Farber! Gary Farber has not denounced ANYTHING in weeks! Death and evil and Muslims and a bug in my room and the last moldy slice of pizza and where oh where is the moral courage of the left! Someone denounce something OR GIBLETS WILL EXPLODE!
posted by Giblets at 1:45 PM
Thursday, November 18, 2004
Giblets is lyin on the kitchen floor all stuffed fulla God. "Geeeehh," says Giblets. "Too much Mary."
"Giblets I am disappointed at you," says me. "Have you been bingin on edible holy relics again?" "Giblets cannot help it!" says Giblets. "The Mary grilled cheese was too tasty, too full of melted mediatrixy deliciousness!" "You know better than to eat strange religious icons Giblets," says me. "You don't know where the Virgin Mary has been. She coulda been on somebody's window or a fencepost or in a buncha prayers." "Prayers that are now in Giblets!" says Giblets. "Giblets courses with the power of piety!" "That is way more than your Recommended Daily Allowance of prayer," says me. "An how is that gonna go with the Jesus taco you just had, an the Buddha double cheeseburger an the Moses meatloaf?" "Moses was not a meatloaf!" says Giblets. "Moses was a giant talking cucumber who rescued his people from slavery to the evil broccoli Pharaoh!" "That's very true," says me. "VeggieTales died for our sins." "Which is why we have to eat them," says Giblets. "So they won't go to waste." "If we eat enough Godfood, will we become like God?" says me. "Yes!" says Giblets. "Or quivering mounds of poisoned flesh, if we get the Allah tuna melt! That's holy and chock-full of neurotoxins!" "I'm sold!" says me.
posted by fafnir at 5:56 PM
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
"We will attack from behind," says Giblets. "It will never see us coming."
"I don't think it can see anythin comin Giblets," says me. "It's a shoe." "A shoe of mass destruction!" says Giblets. "It harbors bears - fearsome bears that would eat Fafnir and Giblets!" "I dunno if a bear can fit under that shoe Giblets," says me. "An besides I checked for bears an all I saw was a buncha ants in an anthill." "These bears are treacherouser than the average bear!" says Giblets. "They hid from you when you looked. Your powers of bear-inspection are no match for them!" "Well, it is a pretty big shoe," says me. "But what about the ants? What if they're bitey ants an they bite us?" "The ants will greet us as liberators!" says Giblets. "For liberating them from the bears! Bears and ants are mortal enemies!" "Well why are the ants livin with the bears?" says me. "Why do you keep asking these questions, you are providing aid and comfort to the bears!" says Giblets. "Okay, we will take the shoe from behind on the count of three," says me. "One, two, THREE!" says Giblets. "AAAAAAA, ANTS! And they're all bitey!" "Run away!" says me an we do. So we get all patched up an ointmented by Chris an Giblets starts talkin about the mailbox. "We could take it easy," says Giblets. "Before the bears have time to regroup." "Wait," says me. "The mailbox seems pretty small. Are you sure bears could fit inside?" "Course they can," says Giblets. "Probably the very same bears that somehow escaped from the shoe!" "Cause all I see is a buncha bees," says me. "If need be Giblets will do it himself with just a coupla strategic baseball bat whacks," says Giblets. "I got word from bee exiles confirming everything." "I dunno Giblets," says me. "I have strange irrational reservations." "Hey, who's the bear expert here?" says Giblets. "Okay," says me. "Let's give it a shot."
posted by fafnir at 11:33 PM
Republicans are changing House rules to let indicted leaders stay in office, and all Giblets has to say is, it's about damn time! The job of government is to govern, not to get tied up by "obstructionists" and "partisan politicians" and "the rule of law"! How's Congress supposed to clean up that mess in Washington if they keep getting dragged to jail for massive bribery and fraud?
Giblets demands that the same principle be extended to bloggers, to insulate them from the petty partisanship of the criminal justice system. Now if you'll excuse me, officers, Giblets has a bank to rob.
posted by Giblets at 4:33 PM
The Medium Lobster has enjoyed his recent hiatus in planes of existence too vast and impenetrable for you to comprehend, resting from his work in spreading higher knowledge. Alas, his work calls to him once more, as the teeming masses of the unenlightened cry out once again for illumination.
Take Kevin Drum and Ezra Klein, who fail to grasp the importance of the House's new plan to allow senior-level officials to hide any personal assets valued at more than $2.5 million as part of the 9/11 Recommendations Implementation Act. To the unenlightened, this might seem to be a shameless attempt to grease the palms of corrupt politicos under the guise of protecting the country from terror. But to those with true vision, it becomes obvious that this serves a vital national security interest. Between the newly-commenced purge of the CIA and the filling of the Departments of State and Justice with Bush loyalists, large sectors of the federal government will soon be coming under the firm grip of the White House. So much so, in fact, that whole departments and agencies are expected to be recognized as the sole property of single individuals. George Bush owns the deed to the CIA. Donald Rumsfeld has mounted the head of the State Department on the wall of his den. And the Medium Lobster understands that Dick Cheney was last seen stuffing the National Security Council down his pants at a late-night Sit Room kegger. Do we really want to make it that much easier for terrorists to cripple the American government by selectively targeting those individuals who control it with complete and utter impunity? Or worse, allow those powers to fall into the wrong hands, if for example Scooter Libby is mugged and his assailant runs off with the Justice Department? A vision too terrible to contemplate. If America is to remain secure, its leaders' assets must remain secure - indeed, hidden - and that includes the levers of power they now clutch in a death grip.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 7:16 AM
Tuesday, November 16, 2004
Well we're back an I gotta say it has been a productive few days off! We spent it doin research for my upcomin journalistic novel I Am Easily Amazed: The Shocking Scandal of Promiscuity on American College Campuses. It is about an innocent southern blogger who attends an elite southern college an is drawn into its shockin lack of traditional values an social morays.
But it is not just an excitin novel chock-full of rivetin true-to-life characters! It is also a big important expose of our dark an amoral college culture. DID YOU KNOW: All this causes the Terrible Moral Decay That Faces Our Nation especially the egg part. If you buy one book this year, buy Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell. If you buy two books this year, buy Chain of Command. Or maybe Imperial Hubris. But if you buy three books this year, definitely buy If on a Winter's Night a Traveler. That book is just really amazing. But if you buy like nine or ten or twenty books this year, buy my book about college kids havin sex.
posted by fafnir at 5:02 PM
Friday, November 12, 2004
Oh no! Giblets has been abducted!
"Not Giblets!" says me. "Yes!" says Giblets. "But who! Who could be so fiendishly clever! Who is the only person capable of abductin Giblets!" "I do not know!" says me. "Is it Fut's-lung an Mutton? Is it Santa Claus? Is it his nefarious mechanical counterpart Mechagiblets?" "No it can only be Giblets!" says Giblets. "For only Giblets has the wits an schemes an deadly skills to match Giblets!" "Oh no!" says me. "There may be no stoppin Giblets now that he has Giblets in his clutches!" "Very true," says Giblets. "With the power of Giblets at his command Giblets may unleash an unstoppable reign of Giblets! You may never recover him!" "But we have things to do!" says me. "We have to meet Chris an the Medium Lobster an work on the Super Top Secret Special Project What Is Really Secret An Special an without Giblets we will be late!" "You can't! Giblets has foiled you!" says Giblets. "You will never find i without help!" "What kind of help?" says me. "The only help that can unravel the mystery of the missin Giblets," says Giblets. "The only help that can stand up to the threat of Giblets! An that help - is Giblets!" "Well where can I find Giblets?" says me. "Well duh!" says Giblets. "I'm right here!" "Alright then!" says me. "Let's go find Giblets, Giblets!" "Wait - which Giblets, the Giblets that was abducted or the one that did the abducting?" says Giblets. "Either one," says me. "That'll be tricky but Giblets will take the case!" says Giblets. "We're off!" says me an we are! This may take a while! We'll be back on Tuesday.
posted by fafnir at 2:24 PM
Thursday, November 11, 2004
Y'know, when Giblets heard that John Ashcroft was resigning, he was despondent. Who would cover Lady Justice's boobs, protecting America from the rising tide of statue promiscuity? Who would aggressively deport non-suspect Arabs, protecting America from the gathering threat of international brown people? Who would relentlessly whore out the classification system to cover up his government's screw-ups, protecting America from protection? And do it all with such impish charm, to boot!
Well, Alberto Gonzales is no John Ashcroft, but Giblets gives him points for moxie. He wrote off the Geneva Convention Against Torture as "quaint," and claimed that the president has the inherent power to suspend treaties duly ratified by Congress. Take that, due process of law! Plus, he worked his way up from a poor childhood to become one of the most powerful enablers of our increasingly militaristic, expansionist, statist executive branch! It's like a Horatio Alger story, but with more fascism! We will miss you, John Ashcroft. But Giblets will not cry - a new eagle soars on in your place!
posted by Giblets at 10:45 AM
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
July 18, 2004
Dear Mr. President: So the other day I'm walkin around Alaska lookin at preserved wildlife like I do when I start to notice some suspicious activities. A group a puffins was sittin around doin somethin of a contemplative nature, maybe prayer! An there was a snowy owl in a kaffiya makin a pipe bomb! An I even think I saw a polar bear in a burka buyin yellowcake uranium! Mr. President I know you have promised to "take the fight to the terrorists" an "go on the offensive." But I need to know you're takin this seriously! When will we take up the fight against Arctic Islamism? Sincerely, Fafnir Edgar Gustavus Fafnir Fafnir August 3, 2004 Dear Mr. Fafnir: It is with my sincerest gratitulations that I thank you for your letter. You are one of the many millions of patriotic Americans strong enough to recognize the danger that terrorist animals pose for us today. We must hunt down the terrorist killers and the trees that give them refuge. We must fight the terrorists and smoke 'em out of their holes, or caves, or permafrost. We must liberate the freedom-lovin' petroleum of the Arctic. But we cannot do it while those who fear action still oppose the cause of freedom. My opponent would rather take a "law enforcement" approach to terror, that just involves "finding terrorists" and "killing them." He doesn't see that this is a war, and a war between civilization and the natural resources that sustain civilization. With a re-election, I will have a broad mandate - "political capital" which I will spend to unite this great nation behind its number one priority: hunting down the wolves and bears and penguins and stuff that declared war on this country, and liberating the oil that has been oppressed there for generations. To the theoretical deposits of fossil fuels which may or may not exist beneath the Arctic National Wildlife Preserve, I say, the day of your liberation is near. May God Bless America, George W. Bush
posted by fafnir at 2:32 PM
Tuesday, November 9, 2004
Hello class! I'm Mr. Fafnir an this is Mr. Giblets. As required by your school board, we'll be your science teachers today! I'll be doin your physics lesson while Mr. Giblets sits in the back throwin dodgeballs. We make learning fun!
Today we're gonna teach you about gravity. Now you've probably heard a lot from your moldy ol science teacher Mr. Mold bout the moldy ol "theory a relativity." Well the first thing you ought to know about the theory of relativity is that it is just a theory and not a fact. It's sorta like sayin "yknow I got this theory that my wife, insteada runnin off with a lesbian, was abducted by a sasquatch." It doesn't mean a sasquatch or sasqualogical processes really exist. The sasquatch theory is just that - a theory. An alternate theory would be to say for instance that the sasquatch's evolution was purposely guided over the course of millions of years by a divine intelligence just so it would abduct your wife! That's a theory too! Today we aren't gonna just talk to you about some "theory" a relativity. We're gonna talk to you about science. Leprechaun Science. General relativity says gravity is caused by the "curvature of space" which is crazy. Space isn't curved! It's big an black an empty an fulla spaceships! If it was curved how would spaceships fly in it? They would crash into the curves an blow up an stuff! Gravity isn't caused by any crazy "curved space"! It is caused by scientifical processes such as leprechauns. Leprechauns are all over the universe grabbin onto matter with their tiny leprechaun hands an holdin it together. When you walk down the street insteada plummeting into pace it is because leprechauns are holdin you down onto the earth. Of course leprechauns are pretty small so when you jump you break free for a little while until the leprechauns grab you again! Yes Harold, the earth is also held in place by leprechauns. A chain of tiny leprechauns standin on each others' shoulders is stretchin from the sun to the earth. Everything is held together by leprechauns! No Jenny you can't see leprechauns they are too small! That's the whole point a bein a leprechaun! Like all scientific theories, Leprechaun Science is completely unverifiable. Ralph do you want Mr. Giblets to hit you with the dodgeball again? Mr. Giblets has a lotta dodgeballs! Now naturally you will ask "Mr. Fafnir well where did all these leprechauns come from?" Well they were put there by a giant leprechaun, or macroleprechaun as leprechaun scientists say, on account of leprechology is too complex to have originated without giant leprechaun intelligence. The macroleprechaun controls all gravity through the universal leprechaun field, but we can't see im cause he is too big! Wow! No, Morton, the macroleprechaun is not held together by leprechauns himself. That would be silly. Yes, Moo Cow, the macroleprechaun IS all knowing and all powerful! How'd you guess that? No, Ogo, teachin this class is not a violation of the first amendment, at least not until the court challenge clears up. Ralph you're just beggin for another dodgeball! Mr. Giblets! Mr. Giblets! Labels: super science
posted by fafnir at 9:26 PM
Saturday, November 6, 2004
Giblets grows tired and bored, and desires entertainment. The fine entertainment of the lute!
Giblets summons his monkey. "Monkey!" says Giblets. "Bring me my lute and play it for me!" The monkey leaps off to do Giblets's bidding! What a splendid monkey! What a fine execution of Giblets's will! The monkey comes back with a fiddle. "Monkey what is this!" says Giblets. "Giblets demanded lutes, not fiddles!" The monkey makes monkey noises. Accursed monkey! To the lute-room! "Lute's broken," says Fafnir. "But it's! Bheeeh! But it's my lute!" says Giblets. "You sat on it last week," says Fafnir. "But I! Bheheh! But it's! Bhaha!" says Giblets. "We got a fiddle," says Fafnir. "An a fife." "Nuts to your fife!" says Giblets. Giblets is dissatisfied. Labels: dissatisfaction
posted by Giblets at 5:19 PM
 It's sittin all by itself in some old forgotten corner a some old forgotten truck stop with just a napkin an a plate to keep it company. It makes like it's waitin for somebody but you know it's not. This pie has nowhere to go. This is a pie that the world has left behind.An you're feelin pretty bad for the pie so maybe you go up to it a little, make some small talk like "How's it goin pie" or "What kinda fillin you got there" or "I'm made a flour an Crisco too!" but the pie doesn't say much. The pie's not used to talkin to strangers. It has lead a solitary life. A life of walkin the rails an ridin the desert wind an joustin with rogue samurai. Maybe you'll have a bite or two of the pie. Maybe you'll say a couple things after. You won't really remember em an the pie won't either. It'll just head on back to its cab an ride the cold lonely road again after a couple glances back in the rain. That's life. That's pie. Labels: pie
posted by fafnir at 4:34 PM
With the Democrats crushed under a monster landslide defeat of nearly three percentage points, the time has come to ask the inevitable question: is this the end? Is the Democratic Party doomed to oblivion? Has it lost all appeal outside its tiny, shrinking base of half the American populace? The answer, quite sadly, is yes... unless it follows the sage advice of the Medium Lobster, and quickly.
Why did Democrats lose the election? Clearly, this loss couldn't have come as a result of the strategic and tactical masterminds behind Kerry-Edwards '04, whose cunning political maneuvering, clear message, and deft counter to every shameless smear from the Bush camp kept their candidates shining in the sun from March through November. Nor could it have been affected by the negligence of the modern news media, which remained a hawklike watchman of democracy, quick to counter every rumor, baseless allegation and outright lie from GOP operatives not with mere fact-checking but with the sullen and lifeless talking points of Donna Brazille. Indeed, in no prior election has the playing field been so level for a fight between a wartime president whose endless incompetence is repeatedly masked by a top-notch media team and overlooked by an oblivious press corps, and an able but wooden challenger with an inept staff and a play-doh running mate whose media narrative becomes hijacked for a week at the mention of lesbians. Truly this was a contest of pure ideas, and the ideas of liberal America lost. How can the Democrats regain the country? By adopting fresh, new, bold ideas. Specifically, the ideas of the Republicans from about twenty years ago or so. Learning to mix "God-talk" with "regular-talk" is critical because without this skill, communication with otherworldly "Red-Staters" is next to impossible. You even may attempt to sell a Red Stater a tax cut or a farm subsidy - something a Red Stater is genetically compelled to desire - and they will automatically reject it without a Biblical mandate. When explaining the few issues you have left, you'll need to couch them in simple, direct, "moral" terms, like in the example below. Remember, the intrinsic rights of man are out; the arbitrarily God-given rights of man are in! When justifying gay marriage:Remember: this is your party. And you can only save it by rendering it unrecognizable and treating half of America as if it has a mental disease.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 1:41 PM
Friday, November 5, 2004
FAFBLOG: Wow, it's been a real good week to be a crazy Christian! George Bush has been re-elected an eleven states are officially Less Gay! It's Hot Hot Hot to be an ossified moral dinosaur these days!
JERRY FALWELL: It sure is, Fafnir, praise the Lord! JAMES DOBSON: I'd just like to say what a privilege and an honor it was to have struck a blow for freedom Tuesday by contributing to gay non-proliferation. FALWELL: Absolutely. Gayness is the most pressing security concern this country faces, and great to see some good Americans finally taking this issue seriously. FB: Now everybody up til the election thought the biggest issues were gonna be Iraq an the war on terror but funny thing, it turned out it was more important to stick it to gays. Huh! What do you guys think about that? FALWELL: Well if you think about it, homosexuals ARE a sort of terrorist, Fafnir. Terrorists... of the family. FB: Not the family! That's where we keep all our babies! DOBSON: That's right, armed with the suicide bombs of sodomy, planning to detonate themselves on the Israeli schoolbus of domestic partnership, leaving behind the terrifying bloodbath of state-recognized civil marriage! FB: Oh no! They could strike anywhere! FALWELL: In fact, the next 9/11 could be caused by a homosexual. I wouldn't be surprised if the next skyscraper that falls isn't collapsed by a plane or a bomb, but by a giant pair of naked, oiled, well-toned men, colliding over the skyline of Manhattan, thrusting again and again into our soft, unprotected national landmarks! FB: I'm scared of all this strange foreign sex! What do we do Doctor Dobson? DOBSON: First of all, we have to be vigilant! Are there homosexualist cells operating in your neighborhood? If so, contact the FBI! Or at least your local church group, for a quick conversion! FB: I'll form a neighborhood watch group! But I still feel so powerless before the gay menace! What can the government do, Rev. Falwell? FALWELL: We've gotta get more proactive! 9/11 changed everything, Fafnir - we have to strike at homosexuals before they strike at us! Use the full powers of the FBI, the CIA, Homeland Security, detain 'em in Guantanamo Bay and interrogate 'em until we know the full extent of their Gay Agenda! JESUS: [bursting in] Stop, stop! This is obscene! FB: Jesus, please. We already did your interview. JESUS: [overturning interview tables] I told you to love your neighbors as yourselves, not withhold their civil rights! I said blessed are the peacemakers, not the warmongers! I said my kingdom was not of this earth, not to make laws and bribe officials and overrun governments in my name! DOBSON: Can you please have security remove this man? JESUS: [being dragged away] My house is supposed to be a house of prayer! You've made it a cheap market to whore out God to any venomous hack who spews your hate! FB: I'm very sorry for that. That's the last time we leave Jesus around in the green room! DOBSON: I think with that little "scream," Jesus gets more support from the Howard Dean left than from honest Christians! FB: Ha ha! Oh, Howard Dean jokes never get old. FALWELL: Well, we certainly aren't represented by Jesus of Nazareth. Weak on national security, practically a Communist - says you go to Hell if you're rich without helpin' the poor! Now where I come from that's called keepin' what you earned! DOBSON: Absolutely. If Jesus is such a good man, why does he show all this hatred for capitalism - all this hatred for the American way of life? Sounds like he'd be better friends with the likes of Michael Moore and Osama bin Laden! FB: That's very true. Why does Jesus hate America? FALWELL: I also understand he has an illegitimate black baby. FB: Well what's next for the Religious right? DOBSON: Well, right now we're working on a new, improved Robo-Christ! A leader the church can really finally look up to - one who won't waffle by blessing the meek and the peacemakers! FALWELL: He's gonna be five-hundred feet tall, made of reinforced titanium, armed with poison gas and surface-to-air missiles, and best of all, he'll shoot a ray beam outta his eyeballs that destroys porn, cures Jewishness, and converts gay men to heterosexuality! DOBSON: It's a joint project of Raytheon and the Family Research Council. We're thinking of deploying him to the Mideast! FB: Wow. I'm sure glad we've got you guys representing Christianity! DOBSON: So are we, Fafnir. So are we.
posted by fafnir at 5:08 PM
Thursday, November 4, 2004
Well it looks like those of you who put down Yasser Arafat might get lucky this year. That goes double for anyone who put down "any remaining stability or sanity in Israel/Palestine."
Giblets always puts down the Pope, but it looks like the old man is still clinging to life with the tenacity of a gila monster. The Pope keeps chuggin' along, spittin' out saints and blessing everything from breakdancing to masturbation. And still no sainthood for Giblets! A pox on you Pope! A pox on you! And to anybody who had Osama bin Laden on your list: SUCKERS! Better luck next election cycle. Labels: popery
posted by Giblets at 12:41 PM
Wednesday, November 3, 2004
The election results have come in and they have surprised no one... no one on the side of Giblets that is! It is Giblets in a landslide! Giblets by a whopping three percentage points! Only 49% of the population rejected Giblets! VICTORY! AMERICA HAS SPOKEN!
With this broad mandate, it is time to push aside the mealy-mouthed timid campaign rhetoric Giblets has toyed with before! Giblets will not be "conciliatory" after this historic moment! Tariffs on reading! A flat tax on gay sex! Mandatory prayer before monuments to the Ten Commandments in every class room! A war in every garage, a tortured Arab civilian in every pot! The streets will run with the blood of liberals! But do not think Giblets will continue to divide the country. Oh no. The days of the bitterly partisan "pro-Giblets" and "anti-Giblets" Americas are over. Giblets is a uniter, not a divider. And he will unite America... UNDER THE CRUSHING FORCE OF HIS IRON HEEL! Giblets's plutocratic economic policies will beggar liberals AND conservatives! His incoherent foreign policy and complete negligence on nuclear proliferation will endanger the lives of EVERY American, regardless of race, color, or creed! His ceaseless pandering to a lunatic fringe of apocalyptic religious radicals will curtail civil rights and education reform for everyone, making ALL Americans stupider AND less free at the same time! All will be as one in the new Gibletsian dystopia! And when the next terrorist attack comes, and the intelligence community is caught with its pants down because it's been gutted by a partisan hack, and emergency workers are understaffed because thieir funding's been slashed to pay for tax cuts for the obscenely rich, and the National Guard is helpless to assist because it's off fighting in Iraq - or, God willing, Iran or Syria or wherever the next dart lands - the country will unite in the face of that bipartisan slaughter! Onward, Giblets soldiers!
posted by Giblets at 11:37 PM
Brad DeLong thinks we've got a bad system for pickin presidents:
...The pattern is clear: when there isn't an unknown southern governor running, an incumbent president can win reelection or an incumbent vice president can win election; but the unknown southern governor without a national political record wins the presidency--always.Silly Brad DeLong! This is a GREAT way to pick presidents! Presidents aren't sposed to be big smart compentent people who "know stuff" and can "solve problems"! The President is like America's Dad! He's there to comfort you on a stormy night when you've had a real bad dream, or be tough when your lunch money's been stolen by terrorists! When Osama bin Laden pushes you around during recess or a bully crashes a plane into the World Trade Center, you can always count on America's Dad to make you feel better by buyin you ice cream or by huggin a firefighter at Ground Zero! A President is supposed to be a role model for the whole country, which is why he has to Uphold Family Values. Just like your dad, the President has to teach you right from wrong - "Just Say No to drugs an sex an condoms in schools! Gay marriage? Not under my roof young man!" - which means the president needs strong moral fiber, which as nutritionists will tell you is plentiful in the South an the Midwest but is nowhere to be found in the barren an fiberless North. That's why you wanna get a Southern governor! Southern governors have never been exposed to the evil corruption of Washington DC where nasty things like legislative an foreign policy experience would corrupt em an make em less American! Or a Midwesterner - they're made entirely of corn, which the most American thing ever! Would you want your dad to be a grumpy ol Senator with borin ol Experience, or would you like him to be an inexperienced outsider with Good ol Heartland Values an whose wife bakes cookies for Jesus? I think the system is workin just fine.
posted by fafnir at 4:18 PM
There are rows an rows a tv screens here in the wasteland an all of em say things like:
SASQUATCH 0%In fronta the tv screens Lester Holt tells me about Defining Marriage. “Eleven States voted to Define Marriage tonight,” says Lester Holt, “and they have Defined it as a slow-moving, thick-skulled poison-spitting reptile that hates queers. America has spoken.” There's a five-hundred-foot tall inflatable rubber president balloon filled with hydrogen an mustard gas floatin overhead. “Leadership! Marriage! Moral values!” says the Inflatable President. “Gonna smoke those gays outta their holes! America’s safer when lesbians can run but they can’t hide!” It must be true. Look at all those electronic ballots! There's millions of us stuck out here in the wasteland but we're followin the Inflatable President cause he'll know how to get us out! "Stay the course! Resolve! Leadership!" says the Inflatable President. The wind blows it into a cliff, tears open its leg, an sprays poison gas all over the crowd. "Strong leader! Turnin that corner!" says the Inflatable President. The crowd goes wild! Someday we'll get outta this place, into a place that is presumably better than this place. An when we do it'll be because we kept on followin the Inflatable President! He bursts into flames an sets one hundred thousand Iraqis on fire. The applause is deafening!
posted by fafnir at 11:57 AM
Tuesday, November 2, 2004
The flood of exit polling has begun to arrive, relieving voters of the tedious burden of actually having to vote to effect the outcome of the presidential race. Indeed, these never-fail predictors of electoral outcome have already illuminated the political destiny of John Kerry and George W. Bush, and there is no escape. Democracy cannot save you now!
Now that the foreplay of the polls draws to an end and the heady, thumping climax of CNN's election night coverage approaches, it is time for America to prepare itself for the morning after - to greet another President. It is vital that all of us accept his legitimacy, regardless of our party and political affiliation. Indeed, after a long and bloody campaign - one that has riven these once United States into vicious, squabbling factions - the time has come to put aside partisan differences and unite in a spirit of universal brotherhood, and passionately voicing our differences in the spirit and rhetoric of a better, higher discourse, one that respects everyone's right to exist within the American polity. Ha ha! I jest, of course. Half of you have been absolutely 100% right about who should lead our country, while half of you have been absolutely 100% wrong*. Indeed, the man you voted against today was not merely wrong or wrongheaded or dangerously deluded - he was a purely execrable lump of venomous filth, a monster of Satanic proportions who whiled away his free time dining on aborted Iraqi fetuses while engaging in gay, married sex with the Saudi royal family, and any who supported him were objectively the enemies of America. Can you possibly allow your opponents to have a voice in the American polity? Gods, no! They must be torn up from the root, thrown bleeding onto the dried and cracked earth, stomped into dusty oblivion before they do the same to you. To do any less would be to desert your country. The Medium Lobster wishes all voters, citizens, Supreme Court Justices, combatants, and Thunderdome fighters the best of luck in the days and months to come, as they brave the recounts, the court contests, the civil war, the no-man's-land, the Machine Wars, and the Reign of the Quadrarchs. Remember: if you give an inch, they'll take a mile - and then the survivalist in the bunker next door may legalize civil unions! Good hunting! *Which half is which has been left as an exercise for the reader.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 4:27 PM
 I voted today an I got the sticker to prove it! Some people say your vote doesn't count. But who's to say my little vote won't swing this crazy little state! Of Rhode Island. You should vote too! Just check to make sure a few things before you go:
posted by fafnir at 1:38 PM
Monday, November 1, 2004
In two days Giblets will not just be your supreme leader, commander, and Giblets. He will be your constitutionally-mandated supreme leader, commander, and Giblets. In this Giblets is unstoppable! In fact Gibletsian state-by-state projections by Giblets's polling firm, Gibletsian Vision (G), show Giblets winning by a landslide - 535 to 3! (Wyoming will go to Bush. Damn you to hell, Wyoming. Damn you to hell.)
Gibletsian partisans may already begin prematurely celebrating Giblets's victory! Giblets has already commissioned a 500 foot tall sculpture of himself on horseback trampling his foes, to be entitled Triumphe d'Gibletse! On January 20th Giblets will spend all of his inauguration ceremony eating an enormous pile of gold! But if - as some scurrilous rumors and half-mad acid-eating anti-Giblets propagandists have suggested - Giblets loses the election to John Kerry, it will be clear why. It will be because of the bias of the liberal media. The liberal media, who again and again painted John Kerry as a weak-willed pandering flip-flopper, knowing that Americans appreciate the supple pliabilty of a flip-flopper's ever-shifting positions over the hard resolve of Giblets! The liberal media, who represented Kerry's every position as an incoherent one knowing full well that Americans would be helplessly seduced by a convoluted, byzantine rambler instead of a straight-shooter like Giblets! The liberal media, who entertained the notion that John Kerry was a traitor to his country who had deliberately wounded himself to get out of Vietnam and besmirched the reputation of his fellow veterans, knowing that Americans love a quick-witted spineless coward over a heroic anti-terror crusader like Giblets! And if they succeed - if they cost Giblets the election - they will pay, my pretties. Oh how they will pay! For Giblets will marshall the entire power of the blogosphere to destroy the noxious "mainstream media" once and for all! With our power, nothing will stop Giblets from exacting bloody revenge! Giblets and pro-Giblets blogs will finally hunt down Peter Jennings and see him brought to justice! Tom Brokaw will be beaten, chained and thrown into Giblets's personal dungeon! The heads of Gwen Ifill and Charlie Rose, stuffed and mounted in Giblets's vestibule! To crush National Public Radio, see Dan Rather driven before me, and hear the lamentations of Al Roker! Victory or vengeance - they will be mine!
posted by Giblets at 4:28 PM
Ah, electiontime. There is no other time of the year when the higher powers and infinite wisdom of the Medium Lobster are so feverishly sought. For while lowly and confused mortals cluelessly sift through entrails and scrutinize the I Ching in desperate attempts to scry the fickle fortunes of the electoral college, the Medium Lobster walks the ethereal plane with gods, titans, and supermen, and reads the pronouncements of Gallup and Zogby as clearly as mortal men read print on a page. The future - yes, even the future of the hideously byzantine system that is the American presidential election - is an open book to one such as I.
"Come! We must know!" you cry. "Who will stand triumphant on November Third? Who will be victorious?" The Medium Lobster chuckles. I could explain it all to you, of course, but most of you would hardly follow the reasoning, trapped as you are in your hopelessly limited understanding. The Medium Lobster will deign to share these revelations, gleaned after hours of meditation and fervent study of reams of data projections over the last several months, with the lumpen masses: that George W. Bush will win with 59.7% of the popular vote and 352 electoral votes, precisely. And now, the Medium Lobster shall retire for the moment, leaving his audience gasping and applauding in his wake. In one month he shall emerge once more with a breakdown of how many undecided voters - within the margin of error - can dance on the head of Ohio.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 1:48 PM
Sunday, October 31, 2004
"An so another All Hallow's Eve draws to a close," says me. "I went as trick-or-treatin as an increasingly fragmented electorate. Bush Bush Kerry! Kerry Kerry Bush! Marriage sanctity sanctity!"
"I went as the unquenchable consumption of our limited resources," says Giblets. "Feed me oil! Feed me oil NOOOOOW!" "I got apples an coupons for french fries an pennies an evangelical religious tracts!" says me. "This one tells me why role-playing games are witchcraft," says Giblets. "An this one tells me why Jesus is cool - by revealing that he is a colorful anthropomorphized talkin animal who also raps!" "This one tells me why Halloween is evil," says me. "It is the devil's holiday." "It's true," says Giblets. "Every Snickers in every plastic pumpkin pail feeds Lucifer's unholy flame." "If only Satanism weren't so delicious!" says me. "Beelzebub is made of candy," says Giblets. "That's why he was God's most perfect an most powerful creation." "An that's why he tempts us to destruction an the gum disease gingivitis," says me. "Which is the second death." "They say on a Halloween just like this two bloggers just like you an me met their tragic fate," says Giblets. "They picked up a mysterious hitchhiker," says me. "Who appeared suddenly on the road next to a haunted railway crossing." "An for fifty years they married her without ever untyin the ribbon around her neck," says Giblets. "An when they did she said her name three times an disappeared into a mirror to kill kids at a party!" "An all she left behind was her hook hand in the door a their car," says me. "They never even found out her name." "An when they went to her granma's house to return her hook hand her granma was all 'She died thirty years ago - on the night of her prom! You can see her gravestone right there!'" says Giblets. "An then they woke up in a bathtub full of ice with their kidneys missin," says me. "But when they called 911 the call was comin from their own house!" "That's cause 911 had moved into their basement," says Giblets. "Which meant that hijacked planes were crashin into it all the time." "On that day we were all Americans," says me solemnly. "Except for the French," says Giblets solemnlier.
posted by fafnir at 11:20 PM
Halloween is an important day for us here at Fafblog. As some a you know me an Giblets proudly treasure our Sri Lankan heritage an so we have always celebrated Halloween an its deep Sri Lankan roots.
The roots of the first Halloween began in Sri Lanka where once a year an ancient symbolic battle was re-enacted between Nature, symbolized by a chieftain in ceremonial headdress, an pumpkins, as symbolized by delicious pumpkins! If Nature won there would be a large harvest festival community. If pumpkins won, a terrifying giant made of pumpkins would rise out of the pumpkin patch an devour peasants far an wide. This always happened on accounta the chieftain was a wuss. They named the festival "Autumn," which means "pumpkin" in Sri Lankan. Autumn was later introduced to the Americas by the Pilgrims, who burned witches in honor of Guy Fawkes Day cause the Pilgrims were too poor to afford straw but had all these witches just lyin around. The Pilgrims believed that all fire came from the center of the earth, where Jesus an Moses live an fight each other for eternity. When Jesus an Moses hit each other the earth is angry an great fire erupts! When they get tired they sit down an take a nap an we have winter for three months, which is where we get Christmas! Most scientists an members of the intelligence community believe Santa Claus to be a ferocious brain-eatin alien who is served by an army of robot elf slaves. His one goal is to sort all children into "naughty" an "nice" children who will then be either shipped to his toy-makin factories or fed to his carnivorous reindeer. Do not fear! He can be repelled by gamma radiation. Meanwhile the Goelitz Confectionery Company introduced candy corn in 1898. And today we have Halloween!
posted by fafnir at 4:11 PM
Helloooooooo! An welllllllcome to Faaaaaafblog's hooooouse of hooooorror! Wooooooooo! (wiggly fingers wiggly fingers wiggly fingers)
As you can tell by the spooooooky music playin outside our blog an the spooooky decorations around it, this is a spoooky blog - quite possibly haaaaaaunted by ghosts in baaaaaad maaaaakeup! To your right is a plastic tombstone. Ancient plastic legends say that if you press the button on it, it will make very spooky prerecorded noises! So so spooooooky! (wiggly fingers wiggly fingers) To your left is a haaaaaaunted mailbox with haaaaaaunted discount coupon fliers inside! Moo hoo ha ha ha! Here you can have some cider an a donut... but beware. This is veeery scaaaary cider an veeerrry deadly donuts. Ahead of you is a bowl of delicious candy... delicious cursed candy! Guarded by Giblets in a verrrry spoooky hockey mask! Why's he wearin that hockey mask? Cause he watches hockey! Verrrry spooooky hockey! Oh no! Giblets is awake! An it looks like he's comin to sloooowly stab you with that - that Three Muskateers bar! That possibly bloody an terribly gory Three Muskateers bar! It is too spooky for you to handle you must run! Run now before the spookiness overwhelms you! Run an do not look back! Wooooo! Woo hoo ha! Moo hoo ha ha ha ha haaaa!
posted by fafnir at 11:33 AM
Saturday, October 30, 2004
"Is the revolution over?" says me. "The people are gettin tired of it."
"Nuts to the people!" says Giblets. "They are counter-revolutionaries! They are fifth-columnists! They do not 'get' the revolution!" "The revolution is tough to get," says me. "It's a pretty avant-garde revolution." "Very true," says Giblets. "All the more reason why it can only be run by us!" "We haven't done such a bad job," says me. "Like everybody's always complainin about Central Food Rationing. But if we didn't do food rationin how else could we make people eat an eagle a day?" "The central tenet of the revolution is freedom!" says Giblets. "A whole eagle is like 100% of your recommended daily allowance of freedom right there!" "An yknow cases of eagle-poisoning dropped a whole lot once we ran outta eagle!" says me. "There ya go!" says Giblets. "To say nothin of the great strength we showed in Operation Great Wall of Strength! Lesser revolutionaries would have defended the revolution by leavin the army at home. But we declared war on every country in the world before they could even decide they didn't like us!" "My only complaint with that is that we didn't get enough allies on our side," says me. "If we had it to do over again I think we shoulda gotten a bigger coalition of other countries to invade themselves." "An there's the Glorious Worker Initiative!" says Giblets. "Where we replaced all bourgeois factory management with glorious elephants to bring glory to common worker!" "An the workers that got trampled were the most gloriously trampled workers ever," says me. "Or the army of dancin robot apemen!" says Giblets. "That was just cool." "It may have cost three trillion dollars but it's three trillion dollars worth a cool," says me. "History will exhonerate us," says Giblets. "It will look upon our works an say, 'we don't care about your works; it's the thought that counts'." "So is the revolution over?" says me. "Never!" says Giblets. "It goes on an on an on like a snake swallowin its own tail!" "If a snake swallows its own tail won't it run outta snake?" says me. "No, never!" says Giblets. "The snake is just that big!" "Big an hungry an cannibalistic," says me. "Like the revolution!" "An the revolution lives on," says me. "It lives on in our hearts." "We should get that looked at," says Giblets pokin his chest. "It could be indigestion," says me.
posted by fafnir at 5:42 PM
Friday, October 29, 2004
This just in! In light of the grave threat posed by Osama bin Laden's videotape Fafblog has declared a twelve-hour truce with rival blogs in order to allow Americans to absorb what happened today. We will not criticize the President or Senator Kerry or disrupt the National Unity until the rogue videotape is brought to justice.
We have learned that special forces have been dispatched to find an track down rogue videotapes an cells of rogue videotapes across the country to try an stop them before they can be played again. We also understand that Homeland Security agents have already raided a Blockbuster's in Shelbyville, Kentucky. Fafblog will keep you updated on the national crisis as it develops.
posted by fafnir at 10:04 PM
Today, the election has been decided. Today, all has been made clear. The words of the world's greatest terrorist have made it clear: we must re-elect the man who failed to catch him, so he may continue to let him roam free.
On a videotape today, Osama bin Laden spoke - and in doing, he committed an act of terrorism - terrorism of words. He didn't just threaten America - he insulted America's President. And if the American people vote their President out of office, they justify a terrorist criticism of George Bush. They make his lies the truth - and they waver before terror. And the moment America wavers before terror is the moment Freedom itself will die. Some of you may be saying, "Ah, but the fact that bin Laden is still alive is proof of the Bush administration's failure in the war on terror - proof that we shouldn't vote for him!" The Medium Lobster would laugh at your naivete - if this situation weren't so deadly serious. For only George W. Bush has the pure, hard determination to stand up to terror. And only George W. Bush has the unswerving, unfailing incompetence to allow terror to spread so he can continue to stand up to it. Listen to the words of the mass murderer, and re-elect the man who let him go. It's your duty. It's your destiny. Now and forever.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 6:45 PM
Osama bin Laden's back - an just in time for Halloween too!
"Wooooooooo," says Osama bin Laden twirlin his black velvet cape. "I'm cooooomink to keeeeel you Faaaaafner." Oh no what should we do! "Let's ghoulishly speculate how this affects Kerry's chances on Tuesday!" says Chris Matthews. Great idea Chris Matthews! Is Osama a red stater or a blue stater? I bet Howard Fineman can tell me! An they said Halloween was scarey!
posted by fafnir at 4:03 PM
Thursday, October 28, 2004
 I'm sittin in Orlok's Diner right now havin a mug a root beer an a slice a fresh lizard pie in Mole City where John Kerry an George Bush have both visited in the past two days. Four years ago if you'd said the Kingdom of the Mole Men would be a battleground state somebody would say you were crazy. But not this time. This time you're in Orlok's Diner askin him about the election an eatin lizard pie."Upworlder filth!" says Orlok. "Orlok kill upworlders and feed their skulls to lavabeast!" Like most mole people Orlok is a simple hard-workin man of simple hard-workin stock whose quiet faith in family an country guides him through the day. I tip him for the pie an ask him what he thinks a John Kerry an he throws a dinosaur bone at me. Orlok is a Bush man.  Mole men have always been a proud religious folk. Loothuk, an expert on Molemanian politics, told me about how faith affected the Molian election. "All believe in Great Molnok! Molnok rise up one day, smite mole men enemies!" Loothuk says. "Molnok brings vengeance! Molnok brings power! For him we build Magmatron! Destroy the upworlders it will! Destroy and burn!" Mole men are also pretty big on national security. They're a pretty Republican bunch all around. But the poor economy of the Mole Kingdom has given John Kerry a new opening. "Grimlo lose job at rock quarry!" says Grimlo, a worker. "Rock quarry close down, move overseas! Why upworlders do this to Grimlo! Grimlo seek vengeance! Grimlo seek blood!"If John Kerry can manage to exploit this opening - an teach the mole men to vote insteada eatin campaign workers - he could steal a few juicy electoral votes from George Bush an become president. An then all he's gotta do is figure out how to destroy the mole men.
posted by fafnir at 7:54 PM
The Medium Lobster is equally baffled and amused to see the usual parade of frenzied liberals calling for an end to voter fraud and intimidation, for coherent ballot design, and a general increase in the voting population. These "democracy fetishists" have developed such an entirely irrational belief in voting - as if it were some basic right of democratic citizenship, what a thought! - that they've overlooked the obvious: when fewer citizens participate in a democracy, that democracy becomes stronger than ever.
Do we really want the participation of voters who are easily intimidated from voting by the mere assignment of felon status? Or those who are evidently too addled to make sense of ballots such as this one? Only if we live in a society that sees democracy as a good in and of itself - and the Medium Lobster would want no part of such a deranged nightmare world! The purpose of democracy is not, after all, to select leaders whose policies carry the support and sanction of the public. The purpose of democracy is to select the right leaders - regardless of public intent. Tragically, occasional efforts to account for voter intent has often conflicted with democracy's higher, more noble calling. This is why the reduction of the voting electorate is critical to the maintenance of democracy. For the most intelligent and informed of citizens will surely turn out for the polls, while those who most be prodded by "Get Out the Vote" organizations are clearly always lazy, ignorant, uninformed, and weak - for why else would they need to be convinced to vote? Indeed, society must discourage voting by making it as cumbersome and as confusing as possible. While unnecessarily byzantine ballots such as Montgomery County's may shave off a chunk of the easily-frustrated vote, a good portion of the elderly and the ignorant could still figure out how to vote. After all, the successful completion of a ballot isn't the best, most accurate assessment of one's intelligence; an IQ test is. IQ assessments should be made mandatory before any voter registers, in order to weed those competent enough to participate in Freedom from the ranks of the unwashed. Ah, but you object, would a forced IQ test on every potential voter be truly cost effective? The Medium Lobster would humbly suggest that no sacrifice should be too great in the cause of safeguarding democracy, but for those fiscal conservatives who might balk at budgeting such a program, there are other options. Economic status correlates quite nicely with one's level of education; providing citizens with an economic disincentive to vote should be able to weed out the ballots of society's undesirables. How to do this? A simple tax levied at the polls would work - a poll tax, if you will. In addition to discouraging lesser-heeled - and thus less-informed - Americans from voting, this approach has the benefits of greatly boosting the revenues of state and local governments, many of which are still struggling to keep up in the heady mad dash of the current economic recovery. But the Medium Lobster can see that this would be a controversial move - no one wants new taxes, after all! For the tax-averse, the Medium Lobster suggests a final, more direct approach: simply weight the votes of the economically-disadvantaged as counting less than those of a normal, healthy, wealthy American. One could count the votes of those living beneath the poverty line as, say, three-fifths of a vote, thus correcting for their undue over-representation and thereby creating a smaller pool of more competent, deliberative voters. America, democracy, and Freedom Itself would be all the better for it.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 6:19 PM
Wednesday, October 27, 2004
"The moon is eclipsed!" says Giblets runnin into the room. "Omens and calamities! Signs and portents!"
"Is this a sign or a portent?" says me. "I gotta mark the right one down in my portent-watchin book." "An eclipsed moon is a sign," says Giblets. "It signifies changes and shifts and things to come, just like in the Bible!" "Is the Bible a sign or a portent?" says me. "A portent," says Giblets. "The Bible is very portentious but not very significant. The eclipsed moon is so significant that its surface is entirely populated by signifiers!" "I can't tell what they signify," says me. "I've lost my interpretant. It was scared away by the sign." "It should be!" says Giblets. "The signs mean things - great and terrible things! Omens and miracles and dogs marrying cats and goats born with two heads, stars and moons and green clovers! Dark things to come! There's a wolf at the door! There's a bear in the woods!" "Maybe the bear will eat the wolf," says me. "Then we can all settle down and get a pizza with the bear!" "Your commie bear cannot save you now!" says Giblets. "Wolves are the piranha of the forest. They can skeletonize a cow in under thirty seconds!" "And the bear is the cow of the forest," says me. "Which is why forest-farmers milk bears for honey - or as it is technically known, hunny." "Your forest farmers will be helpless before the onslaught of moon-wolves!" says Giblets. "They will fatten themselves on hunny and come prowling for us!" "I think we can outrun fat portents," says me. "But I'm not sure about fat signs." To test this I start feedin ham to a Bible. "Your fat books can't save us from portents!" says Giblets. "Only another sign can do that." "I've only got this llama," says me. "Is a llama a sign or a portent?" "A llama is neither a sign nor a portent!" says Giblets. "It signifies nothing but llama!" "Then we are helpless before their power," says me. "Their power to mean stuff." "There is nothing to do but wait and watch," says Giblets. "Watch television," says me. "It is rich with knowledge and advertising." "Advertising is a sign AND a portent!" says Giblets. "I'm gettin the pizza," says me. "The bear can have mushrooms on its half."
posted by fafnir at 9:56 PM
 This is a fat pie. It is a huge pie. It is a pie that has been exposed to mysterious cosmic rays maybe or has gone on a terrible rampage an eaten hundreds of smaller weaker pies an is now bloated from its feedin frenzy or is a strange an mysterious genetic throwback to the times when giant pies ruled the earth. But it is still a pie. This is a pie made a birds. It is not a pleasant fluffy pie of fruit an sweet goo. It's pie stuffed with bird. It will taste like birds when you eat it. Do you like birds? Great we like them too, you will like this pie! Do you like the taste of birds? Then you will like this pie even more. Some people go "Oh these pies are unnatural pies! Oh, they defy the laws of pie an nature!" But a pie is a pie, and so are these pies. The chocolate spinach pie. The rhubarb ostrich pie. Even the okra tofu pie. Prick them, will they not bleed tasty filling? Eat them, will they not be delicious - to someone, somewhere? They are all children of a merciful an loving Piemaker-God."Not true!" you say. "God only intended Godly, natural pies for our consumption - and none of this mixing pies with cake!" You form committees and parent-teacher organizations. You form PACs with names like "Concerned Pie-eaters of America" an "American Families for the Protection of Family Pies" an "Family Family Concern Family Family America Family" an you organize whole social movements around which pies are acceptable to eat an which pies are only eaten by blasphemers of nature an how much nutmeg makes you either one. You are bein very silly an dumb an should probably lie down. Rest a little. Have some pie. It's all good. Dig in. Labels: pie
posted by fafnir at 8:22 PM
"Hey Giblets," says me. "Where'd we get all the high explosives in the basement?"
"What, you mean the high explosives by the washer an dryer?" says Giblets puttin some explosives in his soup. "No, the high explosives by the sump pump," says me stirrin some explosives into my cocoa. "Got em at the store," says Giblets dunkin some explosives into the explosive dip. "The high explosives store." "Did you go to Explosives-R-Us or Explodeytown?" says me. "Nah, I just went to Wal-Mart," says Giblets blowin up the TV. "This is stuff you can buy anywhere. Although they had a great deal at Kid Kablooie - 380 tons of explosives for the price of 300 tons of explosives." "That's a good deal on explosives!" says me blowin up the couch. "But Kid Kablooie is more of a kids store." "Yeah," says Giblets chuckin some explosives at the cat. "You can only get kids explosives there." "I hear John Kerry claims to have eaten all the marshmallow charms that come in Lucky Charms cereal," says me. "But in fact he has only eaten pink hearts, blue stars an purple horseshoes." "Disgraceful," says Giblets. "Will his lies never end?" And then Explodey the friendly explosive showed up an we had a party!
posted by fafnir at 11:37 AM
Tuesday, October 26, 2004
In one week... in a mere seven days... a tidal wave will sweep this nation. A tidal wave of victory. A tidal wave of victory called Giblets.
"I'm not so sure you're gonna win Giblets," says Fafnir who doubts the word an glory of Giblets. "The Gallup poll does not lie!" says me, Giblets. "Giblets leads by 82% in Florida alone!" "I'm kinda suspicious of that Gallup poll Giblets," says Fafnir. "I think it has seriously oversampled Giblets. In the poll 82% of likely voters were Giblets, whereas in 2000 exit polls indicated that less than 1% of voters were actually Giblets." "Away from Giblets with your lying anti-Giblets lies!" says Giblets. Already Giblets is festooned in his royal garb and ready to take his seat upon the throne of power in the Oval Office, which will give him complete control over America. Already he is prepared to ask in triumph! "That is not royal garb," says Fafnir. "That is the cheese dip." Insolent Fafnir you will never understand! But you understand, loyal Gibletsians. You understand the crushing tide that is Giblets. But the question remains: have you done enough for Giblets? Have you done your share for Giblets yet? You have? Then do it some more! You haven't? Then go go go! Go or be blotted out as abominable in mine sight! Go for victory. For Freedom™. For Giblets.
posted by Giblets at 9:27 PM
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for your
listening pleasure 
Dirty Projectors Bitte Orca 
Dan Deacon Bromst 
The Very Best Warm Heart of Africa 
Flashy Python Skin and Bones 
Candy Claws In the Dream of the Sea Life 
Odd Nosdam T.I.M.E. Soundtrack
for your
reading edification 
Glacial Period 
Low Moon 
The Rabbi's Cat 2 
Uncle Gabby 
Nazi Literature in the Americas 
The Book of Imaginary Beings 
The World Without Us 
Human Smoke 
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