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Thursday, October 28, 2004
 I'm sittin in Orlok's Diner right now havin a mug a root beer an a slice a fresh lizard pie in Mole City where John Kerry an George Bush have both visited in the past two days. Four years ago if you'd said the Kingdom of the Mole Men would be a battleground state somebody would say you were crazy. But not this time. This time you're in Orlok's Diner askin him about the election an eatin lizard pie."Upworlder filth!" says Orlok. "Orlok kill upworlders and feed their skulls to lavabeast!" Like most mole people Orlok is a simple hard-workin man of simple hard-workin stock whose quiet faith in family an country guides him through the day. I tip him for the pie an ask him what he thinks a John Kerry an he throws a dinosaur bone at me. Orlok is a Bush man.  Mole men have always been a proud religious folk. Loothuk, an expert on Molemanian politics, told me about how faith affected the Molian election. "All believe in Great Molnok! Molnok rise up one day, smite mole men enemies!" Loothuk says. "Molnok brings vengeance! Molnok brings power! For him we build Magmatron! Destroy the upworlders it will! Destroy and burn!" Mole men are also pretty big on national security. They're a pretty Republican bunch all around. But the poor economy of the Mole Kingdom has given John Kerry a new opening. "Grimlo lose job at rock quarry!" says Grimlo, a worker. "Rock quarry close down, move overseas! Why upworlders do this to Grimlo! Grimlo seek vengeance! Grimlo seek blood!"If John Kerry can manage to exploit this opening - an teach the mole men to vote insteada eatin campaign workers - he could steal a few juicy electoral votes from George Bush an become president. An then all he's gotta do is figure out how to destroy the mole men.
posted by fafnir at 7:54 PM
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