Tuesday, October 19, 2004
I'm in the swing state of Iowa sittin with Morton Crenshaw, the last undecided voter in the state an the man who will decide the election. He's sittin back on his porch drinkin a thick viscous black liquid. It looks delicious!
"Can I have some?" says me.
"How many electoral votes you controllin'?" says Morton Crenshaw.
"Um," says me.
"Getcher own," says Morton Crenshaw.
Earlier I was talkin with swing statologist Dr. Brian Brainologist about the swing state of Iowa. You can tell he's an expert on accounta his real plush chair in his real leathery library!
"Whoever wins Iowa will win this election, period," says Brian Brainologist. "Without a doubt." But surely Dr. Brainologist is exaggeratin because there is also Florida an Pennsylvania an Michigan an Colorado an - "No, Fafnir, those states won't matter," says Dr. Brainologist. "It will all come down to Iowa. All of it. All of it, Iowa." Well, that is an important point I suppose an Dr. Brainologist does have a very large brain so - "NOTHING MATTERS BUT IOWA. ALL IOWA. ALL. IOWA. ALLLLLLL."
Okay okay jeez! So who will win Iowa? To figure this out we drove around Iowa an ate some ice cream an saw some cows. Did you know that there are over sixty-four breeds of cow? Well there are. We got bored after a while an ended up at Dr. Brainologist's again cause his office is open till five an he doesn't get many visitors, which is how we found out about Morton Crenshaw.
"The undecideds have been grabbed up," says Brian Brainologist. "No!" says me. "And the state is too evenly divided," says Brian Brainologist. "No! says me. "It will all come down to one voter," says Brian Brainologist. "One voter in Polk County will decide Iowa which will decide the election which will decide the fate of the world! One man! One man alone!"
"The biddin' starts at five hundred," Morton Crenshaw says. "Five hundred, a couple firm whores, and a night with the wife." He takes another drink a that thick black liquid. It smells a little like licorice. "We'll go up from there," he says. "See who wants to be president more." Direct democracy is a beautiful thing.
posted by fafnir at 2:27 PM