Friday, October 15, 2004

The Medium Lobster was appalled, just like the rest of perpetually-outraged America, to see John Kerry mention that Dick Cheney has a gay daughter Wednesday night. For there is no greater offense one can make to an openly gay person than to make note of their gayness.

Dick and Lynne Cheney are right to be outraged, as are sincere and heartfelt gay rights' advocates Glenn Reynolds and Mickey Kaus. And this outrage comes not because they feel that homosexuality is shameful or icky or full of cooties. It is because they know that the greatest shame one can bring to a lesbian is to note their existence.

Before John Kerry's terrible words, Mary Cheney only had to be gay to her family, her friends, the Coors Corporation, the staff of Bush/Cheney Re-Elect, and the gay community at large to whom she acted as a liason. But John Kerry made her gay to the entire world, effectively making her more gay than ever before.

There is an obvious solution here - but only part of it involves the trial of John Kerry as a thought criminal. Good solutions are proactive, not reactive, and the problem with Mary Cheney was not merely that her admitted sexuality could be mentioned on national television. It was that she could be seen at all, allowing anyone who looked at her to realize she existed - and possibly realize she was gay.

Introducing: The Lesburka.This is not merely Mary's dilemma. This is the dilemma of millions of open lesbians across America: how to utterly conceal their existence from view. The solution must be simple, yet effective. It must wall all lesbians up in utter darkness, away from all sight. Like a closet, if you will.

Fortunately, associates of the Medium Lobster have already prepared such a solution in a comfortable, full-body garment able to easily bury any trace of a lesbian's sexuality beneath yards of cloth. They call it the Lesburka, and the Medium Lobster is confident that its use on Mary Cheney and lesbians across the country will restore the pride of Dick and Lynne in a heartbeat.

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posted by the Medium Lobster at 8:19 PM




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