Thursday, October 14, 2004

Well last night was the Third Presidential Debate an therefore the last most important thing that will happen ever for the rest of time.* This means things will be borin from now on cause there won't be Big Important Events in the presidential campaign.

"Oh no!" says you. "That means there will be nothin but years' worth of issues and records to look at to help me decide who to vote for! What do I do!"

Don't worry Undecided Voter there are plenty of meaningless but fun things that will come up in the meantime to help you cast your vote! Even as we speak political operatives are helpfully choppin every bit of substance out of last night's debate an packaging it into convenient soundbite form! These soundbites will then be taken even further out of context by rival spinners and talking heads until they are told an retold, like the great epics of oral tradition, or a game of Telephone! That's why you might hear Chris Matthews say "John Kerry voted to bust spending caps 277 times radish pinky octopus."

Here is a preview of Reasons To Vote just to get you started!

  • John Kerry called Osama bin Laden a hooker! It's true, it was in the New York Times even! An how can you be commander-in-chief when you degrade our allies by callin Osama bin Laden a hooker? President Bush isn't gonna stand for that. He's gonna hunt down that hooker, smoke her out, an pay her for sex.
  • John Kerry called Dick Cheney's daughter gay! Which makes him a very bad man! Yes she actually is openly gay and even has worked to recruit gay voters for her father's campaign. But we don't like to talk about the gay. The gay makes us feel all icky an gross an funny. Go away with your gay you bad bad man!
  • John Kerry's health care plan is an expensive government takeover! John Kerry's plan would cost ten squillion dollars per person and calls for secret government health mandroids to be stationed in every doctor's office in America, where they will forcibly inject you with drugs. Government drugs. Not only that but each of these secret government mandroids would be made of solid gold. Why? Because the government is bloated, inefficient, and greedy. Not like the insurance or pharmaceutical industries!

  • George Bush is told what to say through a "wire" implanted on his back! It's true! Still-reputable Salon has quoted a technical expert who says that a mysterious bulge on the president's back couldn't be anything else but a hidden transmitter implanted in his spine through which some evil mastermind - most likely the nefarious Karl Rove - controls the leader of the free world with an RC car remote! Also, yknow that blocky-lookin thing on Mars? It's really a giant monkey head!
  • George Bush doesn't care about Osama bin Laden! I don't think anybody's gonna really make a big deal about this. It doesn't really sound as important as yknow the gay thing.

    So don't worry, undecided voter! There's lotsa important things out there that we'll get to talk about in the next coupla weeks! With any luck we won't have to talk about borin ol stupid ol "issues" at all!

    *unless any more important campaign ads are released that demand the attention of the Fafblog News Team! Like one that says that John Kerry is a liberal or that John Kerry is a terrorist or that John Kerry is gay. Or MAYBE one that says John Kerry is a gay liberal terrorist! "Hi my name is John Kerry an I am having gay sex with Osama bin Laden while planning to raise taxes on your aborted fetuses an I approve this message." That would really give me insight into who I should vote for.
  • posted by fafnir at 5:55 PM



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