Friday, October 22, 2004
Chris has had a bad day at work so we're cheerin him up by hittin him with stuff!
"See Chris?" says me. "Pullin the rickshaw for the fat people isn't as bad as this."
"Or bein mauled by wild dogs," says Giblets.
"Or bein attacked by death squads," says me.
"Or bein dissected alive by organ harvesters," says Giblets. "Now those jobs were way worse! So suck it up Chris!"
"Think of all the starvin children in India who would love to be horribly exploited for your job," says me. "Don't you feel lucky?"
"Think of all the starvin children in India who ARE," says Giblets. "Do you want them to WIN, Chris? Where's your American pride!"
"Yes," says me. "Your miserable wage-slave existence is a proud an shinin star in Old Glory, Chris! Do not let our flag down!"
"Toil for the flag!" says Giblets. "Toil for the flag NOOOOOOW!"
After a couple hours a hittin Chris with a flag we finally dropped him in one a the Work Receptacles to be picked up by his corporate masters for a hearty day's labor. But it occurred to us that some other people might not like participatin in the glorious modern American labor force, which is just awful! So we put together this Inspirational Guide To The World Of Work To Inspire All Workers!
YOUR WORLD OF WORK!
YOUR ATTIRE! Is it a leash or a noose? Why stick to an either/or when you can have a both/and! The necktie was first developed from the "cravat," which was inspired by colorful scarves worn by Croatian mercenaries. Wow - a desperate class of hirelings that would do anything as long as you pay them money, and they wore ties, too! What a crazy coincidence! The cravat was then popularized by the court of Louis XIII, whose work experience included bein born as Louis XIII. His son went on to build Versailles as a charmin weekend getaway.
YOUR JOB! Your job will most likely be boring, repetitive, demeaning, and will vastly shorten your free time, your life expectancy, and your ability to get a better job. But don't worry! If you work real hard you can "climb the ladder" an get paid even more to do more boring, repetitive, demeaning tasks!
YOUR BOSS! Your boss's job is to make sure you spend as much of your life as possible at your job! Your boss spends most of his time talkin to larger, more aggressive bosses. "Boss!" he yells at the other bosses. "Boss boss boss! Boss boss!" He must defend his territory or else one of the larger bosses may close in an eat him. Sometimes he may inflate his hair to three or four times its current size to intimidate his opponents. If he displays his teeth back off quickly.
YOUR GOD! This is your god. You will love it an hate it an it will provide you everythin you need in the world! All it requires is sacrifice - your life, piece by piece, five days a week (or more for those of you in the service industry!), for the rest of your adult life. Don't worry - you get it back by the time you begin to lose regular bladder control! At times Work-God will smile upon you in its bounty. At times it will turn its back on you an you will cry "Money, why hast thou forsaken me?" Time for more overtime.
YOUR ETHOS! Work isn't just a sad long slog for survival! Work is its own reward. You know this because the Puritans told you so, an they were right about everythin that didn't involve burnin Quakers at the stake! When you work you are participatin in the Cosmic Cycle of Productivity in which the hard-workin are rewarded an the lazy are punished. Eventually. With easy entry to top universities, cushy jobs, and public office.
YOUR DESTINY! More of this every day for the rest of your life! And hopefully your children's lives, as we work towards a bold new future consisting almost entirely of part-time and temporary workers devoid of health benefits and working increasingly in low-paying service jobs! Embrace your World of Work!
posted by fafnir at 9:15 AM