Saturday, October 9, 2004
The Second Presidential Debate Ever this year took place tonight! Who won? Who lost? Who had presented a very presidential demeanor for much of the night until in the last moments of his closin statement began speakin in tongues, declarin war on the Dominican Republic an projectile vomiting on moderator Charlie Gibson? Here is a Fafblog Special Roundup for those a you who missed it.The two candidates' styles in the innovative town hall format are very different. John Kerry handles himself by amblin around stage in a folksy manner to win the confidence of his audience. At one point he builds a barn, which prompts the audience's lone Amish member to comment "Good work, English." George Bush tends to assert his strength in the debate by jumpin up behind John Kerry, clubbing audience members over the head with a wrench, an by launching himself out of a cannon wearin a unitard emblazoned with the logo "The Mighty Thor."
George Bush laughs off a question on the draft by calling it a "rumor on the internets." His sweat then causes his secret wired earpiece to spark and set his suit on fire, which John Kerry extinguishes with his pack of concealed notes.
Respondin to a question on abortion John Kerry tells a young audience member of his deep Catholic faith an his great respect for religion an his wonderful reverence for life an closes by sayin "and then back in the hot sweaty chaos of the 'Nam I found out God is dead, ya stupid little bint." George Bush, in a missed opportunity, claps.
George Bush points out that we should not import Canadian drugs because of its third-world status. "Our FDA must evaluate their witch doctor medicine," he says. "They got Eskimos up there." John Kerry says he has a plan to give health care to all Americans but it will require the stationing of elite government health stormtroopers in every doctor's office in America. George Bush, in a missed opportunity, says "I'm good with that."
George Bush says he has protected the environment with such policies as his Healthy Smog Initiative an his Delicious Mercury Act. John Kerry says that mercury is not really as delicious as the president says it is an says he has a plan to protect the environment by holdin a summit with it. George Bush follows up by sayin he has a plan to preserve all creatures by leadin them two by two onto a real big boat.
John Kerry says he has a plan to pay for his programs by negotiatin with leprechauns for their rich supply of leprechaun gold. George Bush indignantly points out that this would be "givin the leprechauns exactly what they want" an calls for an invasion of Leprechaunland which he points out will pay for itself.
George Bush promises to never nominate a justice who supported the Dred Scott decision or a Secretary of Defense who supported the German invasion of Poland. John Kerry responds by callin George Bush's containment of slavery "a catastrophic failure."
A missed Kerry opportunity comes when John Kerry says he voted against partial-birth abortion and parental notification bills because they did not provide for the health of the mother or for judicial review only to have George Bush leap to his feet an shout "Babykillers! Let the whores burn, Kerry! Let the whores burn!" to thunderous applause.
When asked to name three mistakes he has made as president George Bush stares deeply into the eyes of his audience an recites the lyrics to "Dancing Queen."
In his closing statement John Kerry says he has a plan to kill the terrorists, kill the terrorists, kill the terrorists with a college tuition tax credit. In his closing statement George Bush warns the audience that Americans must not change their strategy, their channel, or their physical position, because to do so would be to waver before terror. As of this writing Charles Krauthammer and David Brooks have starved to death in front of C-SPAN.
Who won? Who knows! Only television can tell us that! We will be with you until that excitin development emerges.
posted by fafnir at 8:27 AM