Tuesday, November 16, 2004
Well we're back an I gotta say it has been a productive few days off! We spent it doin research for my upcomin journalistic novel I Am Easily Amazed: The Shocking Scandal of Promiscuity on American College Campuses. It is about an innocent southern blogger who attends an elite southern college an is drawn into its shockin lack of traditional values an social morays.
But it is not just an excitin novel chock-full of rivetin true-to-life characters! It is also a big important expose of our dark an amoral college culture.
DID YOU KNOW:
All this causes the Terrible Moral Decay That Faces Our Nation especially the egg part. If you buy one book this year, buy Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell. If you buy two books this year, buy Chain of Command. Or maybe Imperial Hubris. But if you buy three books this year, definitely buy If on a Winter's Night a Traveler. That book is just really amazing. But if you buy like nine or ten or twenty books this year, buy my book about college kids havin sex.
posted by fafnir at 5:02 PM
Friday, November 12, 2004
Oh no! Giblets has been abducted!
"Not Giblets!" says me.
"Yes!" says Giblets. "But who! Who could be so fiendishly clever! Who is the only person capable of abductin Giblets!"
"I do not know!" says me. "Is it Fut's-lung an Mutton? Is it Santa Claus? Is it his nefarious mechanical counterpart Mechagiblets?"
"No it can only be Giblets!" says Giblets. "For only Giblets has the wits an schemes an deadly skills to match Giblets!"
"Oh no!" says me. "There may be no stoppin Giblets now that he has Giblets in his clutches!"
"Very true," says Giblets. "With the power of Giblets at his command Giblets may unleash an unstoppable reign of Giblets! You may never recover him!"
"But we have things to do!" says me. "We have to meet Chris an the Medium Lobster an work on the Super Top Secret Special Project What Is Really Secret An Special an without Giblets we will be late!"
"You can't! Giblets has foiled you!" says Giblets. "You will never find i without help!"
"What kind of help?" says me.
"The only help that can unravel the mystery of the missin Giblets," says Giblets. "The only help that can stand up to the threat of Giblets! An that help - is Giblets!"
"Well where can I find Giblets?" says me.
"Well duh!" says Giblets. "I'm right here!"
"Alright then!" says me. "Let's go find Giblets, Giblets!"
"Wait - which Giblets, the Giblets that was abducted or the one that did the abducting?" says Giblets.
"Either one," says me.
"That'll be tricky but Giblets will take the case!" says Giblets.
"We're off!" says me an we are!
This may take a while! We'll be back on Tuesday.
posted by fafnir at 2:24 PM
Thursday, November 11, 2004
Y'know, when Giblets heard that John Ashcroft was resigning, he was despondent. Who would cover Lady Justice's boobs, protecting America from the rising tide of statue promiscuity? Who would aggressively deport non-suspect Arabs, protecting America from the gathering threat of international brown people? Who would relentlessly whore out the classification system to cover up his government's screw-ups, protecting America from protection? And do it all with such impish charm, to boot!
Well, Alberto Gonzales is no John Ashcroft, but Giblets gives him points for moxie. He wrote off the Geneva Convention Against Torture as "quaint," and claimed that the president has the inherent power to suspend treaties duly ratified by Congress. Take that, due process of law! Plus, he worked his way up from a poor childhood to become one of the most powerful enablers of our increasingly militaristic, expansionist, statist executive branch! It's like a Horatio Alger story, but with more fascism!
We will miss you, John Ashcroft. But Giblets will not cry - a new eagle soars on in your place!
posted by Giblets at 10:45 AM
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
July 18, 2004
Dear Mr. President:
So the other day I'm walkin around Alaska lookin at preserved wildlife like I do when I start to notice some suspicious activities. A group a puffins was sittin around doin somethin of a contemplative nature, maybe prayer! An there was a snowy owl in a kaffiya makin a pipe bomb! An I even think I saw a polar bear in a burka buyin yellowcake uranium!
Mr. President I know you have promised to "take the fight to the terrorists" an "go on the offensive." But I need to know you're takin this seriously! When will we take up the fight against Arctic Islamism?
Fafnir Edgar Gustavus Fafnir Fafnir
August 3, 2004
Dear Mr. Fafnir:
It is with my sincerest gratitulations that I thank you for your letter. You are one of the many millions of patriotic Americans strong enough to recognize the danger that terrorist animals pose for us today.
We must hunt down the terrorist killers and the trees that give them refuge. We must fight the terrorists and smoke 'em out of their holes, or caves, or permafrost. We must liberate the freedom-lovin' petroleum of the Arctic. But we cannot do it while those who fear action still oppose the cause of freedom. My opponent would rather take a "law enforcement" approach to terror, that just involves "finding terrorists" and "killing them." He doesn't see that this is a war, and a war between civilization and the natural resources that sustain civilization.
With a re-election, I will have a broad mandate - "political capital" which I will spend to unite this great nation behind its number one priority: hunting down the wolves and bears and penguins and stuff that declared war on this country, and liberating the oil that has been oppressed there for generations. To the theoretical deposits of fossil fuels which may or may not exist beneath the Arctic National Wildlife Preserve, I say, the day of your liberation is near.
May God Bless America,
George W. Bush
posted by fafnir at 2:32 PM
Tuesday, November 9, 2004
Hello class! I'm Mr. Fafnir an this is Mr. Giblets. As required by your school board, we'll be your science teachers today! I'll be doin your physics lesson while Mr. Giblets sits in the back throwin dodgeballs. We make learning fun!
Today we're gonna teach you about gravity. Now you've probably heard a lot from your moldy ol science teacher Mr. Mold bout the moldy ol "theory a relativity." Well the first thing you ought to know about the theory of relativity is that it is just a theory and not a fact. It's sorta like sayin "yknow I got this theory that my wife, insteada runnin off with a lesbian, was abducted by a sasquatch." It doesn't mean a sasquatch or sasqualogical processes really exist. The sasquatch theory is just that - a theory. An alternate theory would be to say for instance that the sasquatch's evolution was purposely guided over the course of millions of years by a divine intelligence just so it would abduct your wife! That's a theory too!
Today we aren't gonna just talk to you about some "theory" a relativity. We're gonna talk to you about science. Leprechaun Science. General relativity says gravity is caused by the "curvature of space" which is crazy. Space isn't curved! It's big an black an empty an fulla spaceships! If it was curved how would spaceships fly in it? They would crash into the curves an blow up an stuff! Gravity isn't caused by any crazy "curved space"! It is caused by scientifical processes such as leprechauns.
Leprechauns are all over the universe grabbin onto matter with their tiny leprechaun hands an holdin it together. When you walk down the street insteada plummeting into pace it is because leprechauns are holdin you down onto the earth. Of course leprechauns are pretty small so when you jump you break free for a little while until the leprechauns grab you again!
Yes Harold, the earth is also held in place by leprechauns. A chain of tiny leprechauns standin on each others' shoulders is stretchin from the sun to the earth. Everything is held together by leprechauns! No Jenny you can't see leprechauns they are too small! That's the whole point a bein a leprechaun! Like all scientific theories, Leprechaun Science is completely unverifiable. Ralph do you want Mr. Giblets to hit you with the dodgeball again? Mr. Giblets has a lotta dodgeballs!
Now naturally you will ask "Mr. Fafnir well where did all these leprechauns come from?" Well they were put there by a giant leprechaun, or macroleprechaun as leprechaun scientists say, on account of leprechology is too complex to have originated without giant leprechaun intelligence. The macroleprechaun controls all gravity through the universal leprechaun field, but we can't see im cause he is too big! Wow!
No, Morton, the macroleprechaun is not held together by leprechauns himself. That would be silly. Yes, Moo Cow, the macroleprechaun IS all knowing and all powerful! How'd you guess that? No, Ogo, teachin this class is not a violation of the first amendment, at least not until the court challenge clears up. Ralph you're just beggin for another dodgeball! Mr. Giblets! Mr. Giblets!
Labels: super science
posted by fafnir at 9:26 PM
Saturday, November 6, 2004
Giblets grows tired and bored, and desires entertainment. The fine entertainment of the lute!
Giblets summons his monkey. "Monkey!" says Giblets. "Bring me my lute and play it for me!" The monkey leaps off to do Giblets's bidding! What a splendid monkey! What a fine execution of Giblets's will!
The monkey comes back with a fiddle. "Monkey what is this!" says Giblets. "Giblets demanded lutes, not fiddles!" The monkey makes monkey noises. Accursed monkey! To the lute-room!
"Lute's broken," says Fafnir.
"But it's! Bheeeh! But it's my lute!" says Giblets.
"You sat on it last week," says Fafnir.
"But I! Bheheh! But it's! Bhaha!" says Giblets.
"We got a fiddle," says Fafnir. "An a fife."
"Nuts to your fife!" says Giblets.
Giblets is dissatisfied.
posted by Giblets at 5:19 PM
It's sittin all by itself in some old forgotten corner a some old forgotten truck stop with just a napkin an a plate to keep it company. It makes like it's waitin for somebody but you know it's not. This pie has nowhere to go. This is a pie that the world has left behind.
An you're feelin pretty bad for the pie so maybe you go up to it a little, make some small talk like "How's it goin pie" or "What kinda fillin you got there" or "I'm made a flour an Crisco too!" but the pie doesn't say much. The pie's not used to talkin to strangers. It has lead a solitary life. A life of walkin the rails an ridin the desert wind an joustin with rogue samurai.
Maybe you'll have a bite or two of the pie. Maybe you'll say a couple things after. You won't really remember em an the pie won't either. It'll just head on back to its cab an ride the cold lonely road again after a couple glances back in the rain. That's life. That's pie.
posted by fafnir at 4:34 PM
With the Democrats crushed under a monster landslide defeat of nearly three percentage points, the time has come to ask the inevitable question: is this the end? Is the Democratic Party doomed to oblivion? Has it lost all appeal outside its tiny, shrinking base of half the American populace? The answer, quite sadly, is yes... unless it follows the sage advice of the Medium Lobster, and quickly.
Why did Democrats lose the election? Clearly, this loss couldn't have come as a result of the strategic and tactical masterminds behind Kerry-Edwards '04, whose cunning political maneuvering, clear message, and deft counter to every shameless smear from the Bush camp kept their candidates shining in the sun from March through November. Nor could it have been affected by the negligence of the modern news media, which remained a hawklike watchman of democracy, quick to counter every rumor, baseless allegation and outright lie from GOP operatives not with mere fact-checking but with the sullen and lifeless talking points of Donna Brazille.
Indeed, in no prior election has the playing field been so level for a fight between a wartime president whose endless incompetence is repeatedly masked by a top-notch media team and overlooked by an oblivious press corps, and an able but wooden challenger with an inept staff and a play-doh running mate whose media narrative becomes hijacked for a week at the mention of lesbians.
Truly this was a contest of pure ideas, and the ideas of liberal America lost. How can the Democrats regain the country? By adopting fresh, new, bold ideas. Specifically, the ideas of the Republicans from about twenty years ago or so.
Learning to mix "God-talk" with "regular-talk" is critical because without this skill, communication with otherworldly "Red-Staters" is next to impossible. You even may attempt to sell a Red Stater a tax cut or a farm subsidy - something a Red Stater is genetically compelled to desire - and they will automatically reject it without a Biblical mandate. When explaining the few issues you have left, you'll need to couch them in simple, direct, "moral" terms, like in the example below. Remember, the intrinsic rights of man are out; the arbitrarily God-given rights of man are in!
When justifying gay marriage:Remember: this is your party. And you can only save it by rendering it unrecognizable and treating half of America as if it has a mental disease.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 1:41 PM
Friday, November 5, 2004
FAFBLOG: Wow, it's been a real good week to be a crazy Christian! George Bush has been re-elected an eleven states are officially Less Gay! It's Hot Hot Hot to be an ossified moral dinosaur these days!
JERRY FALWELL: It sure is, Fafnir, praise the Lord!
JAMES DOBSON: I'd just like to say what a privilege and an honor it was to have struck a blow for freedom Tuesday by contributing to gay non-proliferation.
FALWELL: Absolutely. Gayness is the most pressing security concern this country faces, and great to see some good Americans finally taking this issue seriously.
FB: Now everybody up til the election thought the biggest issues were gonna be Iraq an the war on terror but funny thing, it turned out it was more important to stick it to gays. Huh! What do you guys think about that?
FALWELL: Well if you think about it, homosexuals ARE a sort of terrorist, Fafnir. Terrorists... of the family.
FB: Not the family! That's where we keep all our babies!
DOBSON: That's right, armed with the suicide bombs of sodomy, planning to detonate themselves on the Israeli schoolbus of domestic partnership, leaving behind the terrifying bloodbath of state-recognized civil marriage!
FB: Oh no! They could strike anywhere!
FALWELL: In fact, the next 9/11 could be caused by a homosexual. I wouldn't be surprised if the next skyscraper that falls isn't collapsed by a plane or a bomb, but by a giant pair of naked, oiled, well-toned men, colliding over the skyline of Manhattan, thrusting again and again into our soft, unprotected national landmarks!
FB: I'm scared of all this strange foreign sex! What do we do Doctor Dobson?
DOBSON: First of all, we have to be vigilant! Are there homosexualist cells operating in your neighborhood? If so, contact the FBI! Or at least your local church group, for a quick conversion!
FB: I'll form a neighborhood watch group! But I still feel so powerless before the gay menace! What can the government do, Rev. Falwell?
FALWELL: We've gotta get more proactive! 9/11 changed everything, Fafnir - we have to strike at homosexuals before they strike at us! Use the full powers of the FBI, the CIA, Homeland Security, detain 'em in Guantanamo Bay and interrogate 'em until we know the full extent of their Gay Agenda!
JESUS: [bursting in] Stop, stop! This is obscene!
FB: Jesus, please. We already did your interview.
JESUS: [overturning interview tables] I told you to love your neighbors as yourselves, not withhold their civil rights! I said blessed are the peacemakers, not the warmongers! I said my kingdom was not of this earth, not to make laws and bribe officials and overrun governments in my name!
DOBSON: Can you please have security remove this man?
JESUS: [being dragged away] My house is supposed to be a house of prayer! You've made it a cheap market to whore out God to any venomous hack who spews your hate!
FB: I'm very sorry for that. That's the last time we leave Jesus around in the green room!
DOBSON: I think with that little "scream," Jesus gets more support from the Howard Dean left than from honest Christians!
FB: Ha ha! Oh, Howard Dean jokes never get old.
FALWELL: Well, we certainly aren't represented by Jesus of Nazareth. Weak on national security, practically a Communist - says you go to Hell if you're rich without helpin' the poor! Now where I come from that's called keepin' what you earned!
DOBSON: Absolutely. If Jesus is such a good man, why does he show all this hatred for capitalism - all this hatred for the American way of life? Sounds like he'd be better friends with the likes of Michael Moore and Osama bin Laden!
FB: That's very true. Why does Jesus hate America?
FALWELL: I also understand he has an illegitimate black baby.
FB: Well what's next for the Religious right?
DOBSON: Well, right now we're working on a new, improved Robo-Christ! A leader the church can really finally look up to - one who won't waffle by blessing the meek and the peacemakers!
FALWELL: He's gonna be five-hundred feet tall, made of reinforced titanium, armed with poison gas and surface-to-air missiles, and best of all, he'll shoot a ray beam outta his eyeballs that destroys porn, cures Jewishness, and converts gay men to heterosexuality!
DOBSON: It's a joint project of Raytheon and the Family Research Council. We're thinking of deploying him to the Mideast!
FB: Wow. I'm sure glad we've got you guys representing Christianity!
DOBSON: So are we, Fafnir. So are we.
posted by fafnir at 5:08 PM
Thursday, November 4, 2004
Well it looks like those of you who put down Yasser Arafat might get lucky this year. That goes double for anyone who put down "any remaining stability or sanity in Israel/Palestine."
Giblets always puts down the Pope, but it looks like the old man is still clinging to life with the tenacity of a gila monster. The Pope keeps chuggin' along, spittin' out saints and blessing everything from breakdancing to masturbation. And still no sainthood for Giblets! A pox on you Pope! A pox on you!
And to anybody who had Osama bin Laden on your list: SUCKERS! Better luck next election cycle.
posted by Giblets at 12:41 PM
Wednesday, November 3, 2004
The election results have come in and they have surprised no one... no one on the side of Giblets that is! It is Giblets in a landslide! Giblets by a whopping three percentage points! Only 49% of the population rejected Giblets! VICTORY! AMERICA HAS SPOKEN!
With this broad mandate, it is time to push aside the mealy-mouthed timid campaign rhetoric Giblets has toyed with before! Giblets will not be "conciliatory" after this historic moment! Tariffs on reading! A flat tax on gay sex! Mandatory prayer before monuments to the Ten Commandments in every class room! A war in every garage, a tortured Arab civilian in every pot! The streets will run with the blood of liberals!
But do not think Giblets will continue to divide the country. Oh no. The days of the bitterly partisan "pro-Giblets" and "anti-Giblets" Americas are over. Giblets is a uniter, not a divider. And he will unite America... UNDER THE CRUSHING FORCE OF HIS IRON HEEL!
Giblets's plutocratic economic policies will beggar liberals AND conservatives! His incoherent foreign policy and complete negligence on nuclear proliferation will endanger the lives of EVERY American, regardless of race, color, or creed! His ceaseless pandering to a lunatic fringe of apocalyptic religious radicals will curtail civil rights and education reform for everyone, making ALL Americans stupider AND less free at the same time! All will be as one in the new Gibletsian dystopia!
And when the next terrorist attack comes, and the intelligence community is caught with its pants down because it's been gutted by a partisan hack, and emergency workers are understaffed because thieir funding's been slashed to pay for tax cuts for the obscenely rich, and the National Guard is helpless to assist because it's off fighting in Iraq - or, God willing, Iran or Syria or wherever the next dart lands - the country will unite in the face of that bipartisan slaughter! Onward, Giblets soldiers!
posted by Giblets at 11:37 PM
Brad DeLong thinks we've got a bad system for pickin presidents:
...The pattern is clear: when there isn't an unknown southern governor running, an incumbent president can win reelection or an incumbent vice president can win election; but the unknown southern governor without a national political record wins the presidency--always.Silly Brad DeLong! This is a GREAT way to pick presidents! Presidents aren't sposed to be big smart compentent people who "know stuff" and can "solve problems"! The President is like America's Dad! He's there to comfort you on a stormy night when you've had a real bad dream, or be tough when your lunch money's been stolen by terrorists! When Osama bin Laden pushes you around during recess or a bully crashes a plane into the World Trade Center, you can always count on America's Dad to make you feel better by buyin you ice cream or by huggin a firefighter at Ground Zero!
A President is supposed to be a role model for the whole country, which is why he has to Uphold Family Values. Just like your dad, the President has to teach you right from wrong - "Just Say No to drugs an sex an condoms in schools! Gay marriage? Not under my roof young man!" - which means the president needs strong moral fiber, which as nutritionists will tell you is plentiful in the South an the Midwest but is nowhere to be found in the barren an fiberless North.
That's why you wanna get a Southern governor! Southern governors have never been exposed to the evil corruption of Washington DC where nasty things like legislative an foreign policy experience would corrupt em an make em less American! Or a Midwesterner - they're made entirely of corn, which the most American thing ever!
Would you want your dad to be a grumpy ol Senator with borin ol Experience, or would you like him to be an inexperienced outsider with Good ol Heartland Values an whose wife bakes cookies for Jesus? I think the system is workin just fine.
posted by fafnir at 4:18 PM
There are rows an rows a tv screens here in the wasteland an all of em say things like:
SASQUATCH 0%In fronta the tv screens Lester Holt tells me about Defining Marriage. “Eleven States voted to Define Marriage tonight,” says Lester Holt, “and they have Defined it as a slow-moving, thick-skulled poison-spitting reptile that hates queers. America has spoken.”
There's a five-hundred-foot tall inflatable rubber president balloon filled with hydrogen an mustard gas floatin overhead. “Leadership! Marriage! Moral values!” says the Inflatable President. “Gonna smoke those gays outta their holes! America’s safer when lesbians can run but they can’t hide!” It must be true. Look at all those electronic ballots!
There's millions of us stuck out here in the wasteland but we're followin the Inflatable President cause he'll know how to get us out! "Stay the course! Resolve! Leadership!" says the Inflatable President. The wind blows it into a cliff, tears open its leg, an sprays poison gas all over the crowd. "Strong leader! Turnin that corner!" says the Inflatable President. The crowd goes wild!
Someday we'll get outta this place, into a place that is presumably better than this place. An when we do it'll be because we kept on followin the Inflatable President! He bursts into flames an sets one hundred thousand Iraqis on fire. The applause is deafening!
posted by fafnir at 11:57 AM
Tuesday, November 2, 2004
The flood of exit polling has begun to arrive, relieving voters of the tedious burden of actually having to vote to effect the outcome of the presidential race. Indeed, these never-fail predictors of electoral outcome have already illuminated the political destiny of John Kerry and George W. Bush, and there is no escape. Democracy cannot save you now!
Now that the foreplay of the polls draws to an end and the heady, thumping climax of CNN's election night coverage approaches, it is time for America to prepare itself for the morning after - to greet another President. It is vital that all of us accept his legitimacy, regardless of our party and political affiliation. Indeed, after a long and bloody campaign - one that has riven these once United States into vicious, squabbling factions - the time has come to put aside partisan differences and unite in a spirit of universal brotherhood, and passionately voicing our differences in the spirit and rhetoric of a better, higher discourse, one that respects everyone's right to exist within the American polity.
Ha ha! I jest, of course. Half of you have been absolutely 100% right about who should lead our country, while half of you have been absolutely 100% wrong*. Indeed, the man you voted against today was not merely wrong or wrongheaded or dangerously deluded - he was a purely execrable lump of venomous filth, a monster of Satanic proportions who whiled away his free time dining on aborted Iraqi fetuses while engaging in gay, married sex with the Saudi royal family, and any who supported him were objectively the enemies of America. Can you possibly allow your opponents to have a voice in the American polity? Gods, no! They must be torn up from the root, thrown bleeding onto the dried and cracked earth, stomped into dusty oblivion before they do the same to you. To do any less would be to desert your country.
The Medium Lobster wishes all voters, citizens, Supreme Court Justices, combatants, and Thunderdome fighters the best of luck in the days and months to come, as they brave the recounts, the court contests, the civil war, the no-man's-land, the Machine Wars, and the Reign of the Quadrarchs. Remember: if you give an inch, they'll take a mile - and then the survivalist in the bunker next door may legalize civil unions! Good hunting!
*Which half is which has been left as an exercise for the reader.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 4:27 PM
I voted today an I got the sticker to prove it! Some people say your vote doesn't count. But who's to say my little vote won't swing this crazy little state! Of Rhode Island. You should vote too! Just check to make sure a few things before you go:
posted by fafnir at 1:38 PM
Monday, November 1, 2004
In two days Giblets will not just be your supreme leader, commander, and Giblets. He will be your constitutionally-mandated supreme leader, commander, and Giblets. In this Giblets is unstoppable! In fact Gibletsian state-by-state projections by Giblets's polling firm, Gibletsian Vision (G), show Giblets winning by a landslide - 535 to 3! (Wyoming will go to Bush. Damn you to hell, Wyoming. Damn you to hell.)
Gibletsian partisans may already begin prematurely celebrating Giblets's victory! Giblets has already commissioned a 500 foot tall sculpture of himself on horseback trampling his foes, to be entitled Triumphe d'Gibletse! On January 20th Giblets will spend all of his inauguration ceremony eating an enormous pile of gold!
But if - as some scurrilous rumors and half-mad acid-eating anti-Giblets propagandists have suggested - Giblets loses the election to John Kerry, it will be clear why. It will be because of the bias of the liberal media.
The liberal media, who again and again painted John Kerry as a weak-willed pandering flip-flopper, knowing that Americans appreciate the supple pliabilty of a flip-flopper's ever-shifting positions over the hard resolve of Giblets! The liberal media, who represented Kerry's every position as an incoherent one knowing full well that Americans would be helplessly seduced by a convoluted, byzantine rambler instead of a straight-shooter like Giblets! The liberal media, who entertained the notion that John Kerry was a traitor to his country who had deliberately wounded himself to get out of Vietnam and besmirched the reputation of his fellow veterans, knowing that Americans love a quick-witted spineless coward over a heroic anti-terror crusader like Giblets!
And if they succeed - if they cost Giblets the election - they will pay, my pretties. Oh how they will pay! For Giblets will marshall the entire power of the blogosphere to destroy the noxious "mainstream media" once and for all! With our power, nothing will stop Giblets from exacting bloody revenge! Giblets and pro-Giblets blogs will finally hunt down Peter Jennings and see him brought to justice! Tom Brokaw will be beaten, chained and thrown into Giblets's personal dungeon! The heads of Gwen Ifill and Charlie Rose, stuffed and mounted in Giblets's vestibule! To crush National Public Radio, see Dan Rather driven before me, and hear the lamentations of Al Roker! Victory or vengeance - they will be mine!
posted by Giblets at 4:28 PM
Ah, electiontime. There is no other time of the year when the higher powers and infinite wisdom of the Medium Lobster are so feverishly sought. For while lowly and confused mortals cluelessly sift through entrails and scrutinize the I Ching in desperate attempts to scry the fickle fortunes of the electoral college, the Medium Lobster walks the ethereal plane with gods, titans, and supermen, and reads the pronouncements of Gallup and Zogby as clearly as mortal men read print on a page. The future - yes, even the future of the hideously byzantine system that is the American presidential election - is an open book to one such as I.
"Come! We must know!" you cry. "Who will stand triumphant on November Third? Who will be victorious?" The Medium Lobster chuckles. I could explain it all to you, of course, but most of you would hardly follow the reasoning, trapped as you are in your hopelessly limited understanding. The Medium Lobster will deign to share these revelations, gleaned after hours of meditation and fervent study of reams of data projections over the last several months, with the lumpen masses: that George W. Bush will win with 59.7% of the popular vote and 352 electoral votes, precisely.
And now, the Medium Lobster shall retire for the moment, leaving his audience gasping and applauding in his wake. In one month he shall emerge once more with a breakdown of how many undecided voters - within the margin of error - can dance on the head of Ohio.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 1:48 PM
Sunday, October 31, 2004
"An so another All Hallow's Eve draws to a close," says me. "I went as trick-or-treatin as an increasingly fragmented electorate. Bush Bush Kerry! Kerry Kerry Bush! Marriage sanctity sanctity!"
"I went as the unquenchable consumption of our limited resources," says Giblets. "Feed me oil! Feed me oil NOOOOOW!"
"I got apples an coupons for french fries an pennies an evangelical religious tracts!" says me.
"This one tells me why role-playing games are witchcraft," says Giblets. "An this one tells me why Jesus is cool - by revealing that he is a colorful anthropomorphized talkin animal who also raps!"
"This one tells me why Halloween is evil," says me. "It is the devil's holiday."
"It's true," says Giblets. "Every Snickers in every plastic pumpkin pail feeds Lucifer's unholy flame."
"If only Satanism weren't so delicious!" says me.
"Beelzebub is made of candy," says Giblets. "That's why he was God's most perfect an most powerful creation."
"An that's why he tempts us to destruction an the gum disease gingivitis," says me. "Which is the second death."
"They say on a Halloween just like this two bloggers just like you an me met their tragic fate," says Giblets.
"They picked up a mysterious hitchhiker," says me. "Who appeared suddenly on the road next to a haunted railway crossing."
"An for fifty years they married her without ever untyin the ribbon around her neck," says Giblets. "An when they did she said her name three times an disappeared into a mirror to kill kids at a party!"
"An all she left behind was her hook hand in the door a their car," says me. "They never even found out her name."
"An when they went to her granma's house to return her hook hand her granma was all 'She died thirty years ago - on the night of her prom! You can see her gravestone right there!'" says Giblets.
"An then they woke up in a bathtub full of ice with their kidneys missin," says me. "But when they called 911 the call was comin from their own house!"
"That's cause 911 had moved into their basement," says Giblets. "Which meant that hijacked planes were crashin into it all the time."
"On that day we were all Americans," says me solemnly.
"Except for the French," says Giblets solemnlier.
posted by fafnir at 11:20 PM
Halloween is an important day for us here at Fafblog. As some a you know me an Giblets proudly treasure our Sri Lankan heritage an so we have always celebrated Halloween an its deep Sri Lankan roots.
The roots of the first Halloween began in Sri Lanka where once a year an ancient symbolic battle was re-enacted between Nature, symbolized by a chieftain in ceremonial headdress, an pumpkins, as symbolized by delicious pumpkins! If Nature won there would be a large harvest festival community. If pumpkins won, a terrifying giant made of pumpkins would rise out of the pumpkin patch an devour peasants far an wide. This always happened on accounta the chieftain was a wuss. They named the festival "Autumn," which means "pumpkin" in Sri Lankan.
Autumn was later introduced to the Americas by the Pilgrims, who burned witches in honor of Guy Fawkes Day cause the Pilgrims were too poor to afford straw but had all these witches just lyin around. The Pilgrims believed that all fire came from the center of the earth, where Jesus an Moses live an fight each other for eternity. When Jesus an Moses hit each other the earth is angry an great fire erupts! When they get tired they sit down an take a nap an we have winter for three months, which is where we get Christmas!
Most scientists an members of the intelligence community believe Santa Claus to be a ferocious brain-eatin alien who is served by an army of robot elf slaves. His one goal is to sort all children into "naughty" an "nice" children who will then be either shipped to his toy-makin factories or fed to his carnivorous reindeer. Do not fear! He can be repelled by gamma radiation.
Meanwhile the Goelitz Confectionery Company introduced candy corn in 1898. And today we have Halloween!
posted by fafnir at 4:11 PM
Helloooooooo! An welllllllcome to Faaaaaafblog's hooooouse of hooooorror! Wooooooooo! (wiggly fingers wiggly fingers wiggly fingers)
As you can tell by the spooooooky music playin outside our blog an the spooooky decorations around it, this is a spoooky blog - quite possibly haaaaaaunted by ghosts in baaaaaad maaaaakeup!
To your right is a plastic tombstone. Ancient plastic legends say that if you press the button on it, it will make very spooky prerecorded noises! So so spooooooky! (wiggly fingers wiggly fingers) To your left is a haaaaaaunted mailbox with haaaaaaunted discount coupon fliers inside! Moo hoo ha ha ha!
Here you can have some cider an a donut... but beware. This is veeery scaaaary cider an veeerrry deadly donuts.
Ahead of you is a bowl of delicious candy... delicious cursed candy! Guarded by Giblets in a verrrry spoooky hockey mask! Why's he wearin that hockey mask? Cause he watches hockey! Verrrry spooooky hockey!
Oh no! Giblets is awake! An it looks like he's comin to sloooowly stab you with that - that Three Muskateers bar! That possibly bloody an terribly gory Three Muskateers bar! It is too spooky for you to handle you must run! Run now before the spookiness overwhelms you! Run an do not look back!
Wooooo! Woo hoo ha! Moo hoo ha ha ha ha haaaa!
posted by fafnir at 11:33 AM
Saturday, October 30, 2004
"Is the revolution over?" says me. "The people are gettin tired of it."
"Nuts to the people!" says Giblets. "They are counter-revolutionaries! They are fifth-columnists! They do not 'get' the revolution!"
"The revolution is tough to get," says me. "It's a pretty avant-garde revolution."
"Very true," says Giblets. "All the more reason why it can only be run by us!"
"We haven't done such a bad job," says me. "Like everybody's always complainin about Central Food Rationing. But if we didn't do food rationin how else could we make people eat an eagle a day?"
"The central tenet of the revolution is freedom!" says Giblets. "A whole eagle is like 100% of your recommended daily allowance of freedom right there!"
"An yknow cases of eagle-poisoning dropped a whole lot once we ran outta eagle!" says me.
"There ya go!" says Giblets. "To say nothin of the great strength we showed in Operation Great Wall of Strength! Lesser revolutionaries would have defended the revolution by leavin the army at home. But we declared war on every country in the world before they could even decide they didn't like us!"
"My only complaint with that is that we didn't get enough allies on our side," says me. "If we had it to do over again I think we shoulda gotten a bigger coalition of other countries to invade themselves."
"An there's the Glorious Worker Initiative!" says Giblets. "Where we replaced all bourgeois factory management with glorious elephants to bring glory to common worker!"
"An the workers that got trampled were the most gloriously trampled workers ever," says me.
"Or the army of dancin robot apemen!" says Giblets. "That was just cool."
"It may have cost three trillion dollars but it's three trillion dollars worth a cool," says me.
"History will exhonerate us," says Giblets. "It will look upon our works an say, 'we don't care about your works; it's the thought that counts'."
"So is the revolution over?" says me.
"Never!" says Giblets. "It goes on an on an on like a snake swallowin its own tail!"
"If a snake swallows its own tail won't it run outta snake?" says me.
"No, never!" says Giblets. "The snake is just that big!"
"Big an hungry an cannibalistic," says me. "Like the revolution!"
"An the revolution lives on," says me. "It lives on in our hearts."
"We should get that looked at," says Giblets pokin his chest.
"It could be indigestion," says me.
posted by fafnir at 5:42 PM
Friday, October 29, 2004
This just in! In light of the grave threat posed by Osama bin Laden's videotape Fafblog has declared a twelve-hour truce with rival blogs in order to allow Americans to absorb what happened today. We will not criticize the President or Senator Kerry or disrupt the National Unity until the rogue videotape is brought to justice.
We have learned that special forces have been dispatched to find an track down rogue videotapes an cells of rogue videotapes across the country to try an stop them before they can be played again. We also understand that Homeland Security agents have already raided a Blockbuster's in Shelbyville, Kentucky.
Fafblog will keep you updated on the national crisis as it develops.
posted by fafnir at 10:04 PM
Today, the election has been decided. Today, all has been made clear. The words of the world's greatest terrorist have made it clear: we must re-elect the man who failed to catch him, so he may continue to let him roam free.
On a videotape today, Osama bin Laden spoke - and in doing, he committed an act of terrorism - terrorism of words. He didn't just threaten America - he insulted America's President. And if the American people vote their President out of office, they justify a terrorist criticism of George Bush. They make his lies the truth - and they waver before terror.
And the moment America wavers before terror is the moment Freedom itself will die.
Some of you may be saying, "Ah, but the fact that bin Laden is still alive is proof of the Bush administration's failure in the war on terror - proof that we shouldn't vote for him!" The Medium Lobster would laugh at your naivete - if this situation weren't so deadly serious. For only George W. Bush has the pure, hard determination to stand up to terror. And only George W. Bush has the unswerving, unfailing incompetence to allow terror to spread so he can continue to stand up to it.
Listen to the words of the mass murderer, and re-elect the man who let him go. It's your duty. It's your destiny. Now and forever.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 6:45 PM
Osama bin Laden's back - an just in time for Halloween too!
"Wooooooooo," says Osama bin Laden twirlin his black velvet cape. "I'm cooooomink to keeeeel you Faaaaafner."
Oh no what should we do!
"Let's ghoulishly speculate how this affects Kerry's chances on Tuesday!" says Chris Matthews.
Great idea Chris Matthews! Is Osama a red stater or a blue stater? I bet Howard Fineman can tell me! An they said Halloween was scarey!
posted by fafnir at 4:03 PM
Thursday, October 28, 2004
I'm sittin in Orlok's Diner right now havin a mug a root beer an a slice a fresh lizard pie in Mole City where John Kerry an George Bush have both visited in the past two days. Four years ago if you'd said the Kingdom of the Mole Men would be a battleground state somebody would say you were crazy. But not this time. This time you're in Orlok's Diner askin him about the election an eatin lizard pie.
"Upworlder filth!" says Orlok. "Orlok kill upworlders and feed their skulls to lavabeast!" Like most mole people Orlok is a simple hard-workin man of simple hard-workin stock whose quiet faith in family an country guides him through the day. I tip him for the pie an ask him what he thinks a John Kerry an he throws a dinosaur bone at me. Orlok is a Bush man.
Mole men have always been a proud religious folk. Loothuk, an expert on Molemanian politics, told me about how faith affected the Molian election. "All believe in Great Molnok! Molnok rise up one day, smite mole men enemies!" Loothuk says. "Molnok brings vengeance! Molnok brings power! For him we build Magmatron! Destroy the upworlders it will! Destroy and burn!" Mole men are also pretty big on national security. They're a pretty Republican bunch all around.
But the poor economy of the Mole Kingdom has given John Kerry a new opening. "Grimlo lose job at rock quarry!" says Grimlo, a worker. "Rock quarry close down, move overseas! Why upworlders do this to Grimlo! Grimlo seek vengeance! Grimlo seek blood!"
If John Kerry can manage to exploit this opening - an teach the mole men to vote insteada eatin campaign workers - he could steal a few juicy electoral votes from George Bush an become president. An then all he's gotta do is figure out how to destroy the mole men.
posted by fafnir at 7:54 PM
The Medium Lobster is equally baffled and amused to see the usual parade of frenzied liberals calling for an end to voter fraud and intimidation, for coherent ballot design, and a general increase in the voting population. These "democracy fetishists" have developed such an entirely irrational belief in voting - as if it were some basic right of democratic citizenship, what a thought! - that they've overlooked the obvious: when fewer citizens participate in a democracy, that democracy becomes stronger than ever.
Do we really want the participation of voters who are easily intimidated from voting by the mere assignment of felon status? Or those who are evidently too addled to make sense of ballots such as this one? Only if we live in a society that sees democracy as a good in and of itself - and the Medium Lobster would want no part of such a deranged nightmare world! The purpose of democracy is not, after all, to select leaders whose policies carry the support and sanction of the public. The purpose of democracy is to select the right leaders - regardless of public intent. Tragically, occasional efforts to account for voter intent has often conflicted with democracy's higher, more noble calling.
This is why the reduction of the voting electorate is critical to the maintenance of democracy. For the most intelligent and informed of citizens will surely turn out for the polls, while those who most be prodded by "Get Out the Vote" organizations are clearly always lazy, ignorant, uninformed, and weak - for why else would they need to be convinced to vote? Indeed, society must discourage voting by making it as cumbersome and as confusing as possible. While unnecessarily byzantine ballots such as Montgomery County's may shave off a chunk of the easily-frustrated vote, a good portion of the elderly and the ignorant could still figure out how to vote. After all, the successful completion of a ballot isn't the best, most accurate assessment of one's intelligence; an IQ test is. IQ assessments should be made mandatory before any voter registers, in order to weed those competent enough to participate in Freedom from the ranks of the unwashed.
Ah, but you object, would a forced IQ test on every potential voter be truly cost effective? The Medium Lobster would humbly suggest that no sacrifice should be too great in the cause of safeguarding democracy, but for those fiscal conservatives who might balk at budgeting such a program, there are other options. Economic status correlates quite nicely with one's level of education; providing citizens with an economic disincentive to vote should be able to weed out the ballots of society's undesirables. How to do this? A simple tax levied at the polls would work - a poll tax, if you will. In addition to discouraging lesser-heeled - and thus less-informed - Americans from voting, this approach has the benefits of greatly boosting the revenues of state and local governments, many of which are still struggling to keep up in the heady mad dash of the current economic recovery.
But the Medium Lobster can see that this would be a controversial move - no one wants new taxes, after all! For the tax-averse, the Medium Lobster suggests a final, more direct approach: simply weight the votes of the economically-disadvantaged as counting less than those of a normal, healthy, wealthy American. One could count the votes of those living beneath the poverty line as, say, three-fifths of a vote, thus correcting for their undue over-representation and thereby creating a smaller pool of more competent, deliberative voters. America, democracy, and Freedom Itself would be all the better for it.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 6:19 PM
Wednesday, October 27, 2004
"The moon is eclipsed!" says Giblets runnin into the room. "Omens and calamities! Signs and portents!"
"Is this a sign or a portent?" says me. "I gotta mark the right one down in my portent-watchin book."
"An eclipsed moon is a sign," says Giblets. "It signifies changes and shifts and things to come, just like in the Bible!"
"Is the Bible a sign or a portent?" says me.
"A portent," says Giblets. "The Bible is very portentious but not very significant. The eclipsed moon is so significant that its surface is entirely populated by signifiers!"
"I can't tell what they signify," says me. "I've lost my interpretant. It was scared away by the sign."
"It should be!" says Giblets. "The signs mean things - great and terrible things! Omens and miracles and dogs marrying cats and goats born with two heads, stars and moons and green clovers! Dark things to come! There's a wolf at the door! There's a bear in the woods!"
"Maybe the bear will eat the wolf," says me. "Then we can all settle down and get a pizza with the bear!"
"Your commie bear cannot save you now!" says Giblets. "Wolves are the piranha of the forest. They can skeletonize a cow in under thirty seconds!"
"And the bear is the cow of the forest," says me. "Which is why forest-farmers milk bears for honey - or as it is technically known, hunny."
"Your forest farmers will be helpless before the onslaught of moon-wolves!" says Giblets. "They will fatten themselves on hunny and come prowling for us!"
"I think we can outrun fat portents," says me. "But I'm not sure about fat signs." To test this I start feedin ham to a Bible.
"Your fat books can't save us from portents!" says Giblets. "Only another sign can do that."
"I've only got this llama," says me. "Is a llama a sign or a portent?"
"A llama is neither a sign nor a portent!" says Giblets. "It signifies nothing but llama!"
"Then we are helpless before their power," says me. "Their power to mean stuff."
"There is nothing to do but wait and watch," says Giblets.
"Watch television," says me. "It is rich with knowledge and advertising."
"Advertising is a sign AND a portent!" says Giblets.
"I'm gettin the pizza," says me. "The bear can have mushrooms on its half."
posted by fafnir at 9:56 PM
This is a fat pie. It is a huge pie. It is a pie that has been exposed to mysterious cosmic rays maybe or has gone on a terrible rampage an eaten hundreds of smaller weaker pies an is now bloated from its feedin frenzy or is a strange an mysterious genetic throwback to the times when giant pies ruled the earth. But it is still a pie.
This is a pie made a birds. It is not a pleasant fluffy pie of fruit an sweet goo. It's pie stuffed with bird. It will taste like birds when you eat it. Do you like birds? Great we like them too, you will like this pie! Do you like the taste of birds? Then you will like this pie even more.
Some people go "Oh these pies are unnatural pies! Oh, they defy the laws of pie an nature!" But a pie is a pie, and so are these pies. The chocolate spinach pie. The rhubarb ostrich pie. Even the okra tofu pie. Prick them, will they not bleed tasty filling? Eat them, will they not be delicious - to someone, somewhere? They are all children of a merciful an loving Piemaker-God.
"Not true!" you say. "God only intended Godly, natural pies for our consumption - and none of this mixing pies with cake!" You form committees and parent-teacher organizations. You form PACs with names like "Concerned Pie-eaters of America" an "American Families for the Protection of Family Pies" an "Family Family Concern Family Family America Family" an you organize whole social movements around which pies are acceptable to eat an which pies are only eaten by blasphemers of nature an how much nutmeg makes you either one. You are bein very silly an dumb an should probably lie down. Rest a little. Have some pie. It's all good. Dig in.
posted by fafnir at 8:22 PM
"Hey Giblets," says me. "Where'd we get all the high explosives in the basement?"
"What, you mean the high explosives by the washer an dryer?" says Giblets puttin some explosives in his soup.
"No, the high explosives by the sump pump," says me stirrin some explosives into my cocoa.
"Got em at the store," says Giblets dunkin some explosives into the explosive dip. "The high explosives store."
"Did you go to Explosives-R-Us or Explodeytown?" says me.
"Nah, I just went to Wal-Mart," says Giblets blowin up the TV. "This is stuff you can buy anywhere. Although they had a great deal at Kid Kablooie - 380 tons of explosives for the price of 300 tons of explosives."
"That's a good deal on explosives!" says me blowin up the couch. "But Kid Kablooie is more of a kids store."
"Yeah," says Giblets chuckin some explosives at the cat. "You can only get kids explosives there."
"I hear John Kerry claims to have eaten all the marshmallow charms that come in Lucky Charms cereal," says me. "But in fact he has only eaten pink hearts, blue stars an purple horseshoes."
"Disgraceful," says Giblets. "Will his lies never end?"
And then Explodey the friendly explosive showed up an we had a party!
posted by fafnir at 11:37 AM
Tuesday, October 26, 2004
In one week... in a mere seven days... a tidal wave will sweep this nation. A tidal wave of victory. A tidal wave of victory called Giblets.
"I'm not so sure you're gonna win Giblets," says Fafnir who doubts the word an glory of Giblets.
"The Gallup poll does not lie!" says me, Giblets. "Giblets leads by 82% in Florida alone!"
"I'm kinda suspicious of that Gallup poll Giblets," says Fafnir. "I think it has seriously oversampled Giblets. In the poll 82% of likely voters were Giblets, whereas in 2000 exit polls indicated that less than 1% of voters were actually Giblets."
"Away from Giblets with your lying anti-Giblets lies!" says Giblets.
Already Giblets is festooned in his royal garb and ready to take his seat upon the throne of power in the Oval Office, which will give him complete control over America. Already he is prepared to ask in triumph! "That is not royal garb," says Fafnir. "That is the cheese dip." Insolent Fafnir you will never understand!
But you understand, loyal Gibletsians. You understand the crushing tide that is Giblets. But the question remains: have you done enough for Giblets? Have you done your share for Giblets yet?
You have? Then do it some more! You haven't? Then go go go! Go or be blotted out as abominable in mine sight! Go for victory. For Freedom™. For Giblets.
posted by Giblets at 9:27 PM
Saturday, October 23, 2004
Steady Leadership In Times Of Change
It's a confusin an frightenin time to be America. Because a 9/11 an these Times Of Change. "Oh no!" says America. "I'm so confused who do I vote for!" You need steady leadership in times a change America. The steady leadership of a big ol dog.
Some other candidates say they are steady but are they really? Or are they just suspiciously french an ketchupy? "Sacre bleu, vive le France," say some other candidates. "Ceci n'est pas une pipe." Well always know where a big ol dog stands on hard issues like terror!" "HRARRGL HRAARRGL GRRRAAARRRGL," says a big ol dog bitin an spittin an growlin at terror. The dog is also tough on other dogs, postal workers, small children, plants an stuff that looks like plants.
A big ol dog has a lotta resolve which you need in a president. When you throw a squeaky toy ball a big ol dog won't just chase the squeaky toy boll. He'll hunt it down an smoke it out! He'll even chase the squeaky toy ball when you don't actually throw it but just pretend to throw it an he won't give up for a long time either! That shows real determination which is important because we cannot wait for evidence of the squeaky toy ball when the evidence could come in the form of a mushroom cloud.
We need a president that will send the right message to the terrorists. A message like "I'm big an tough an I'm not scared of you an I'm determined! Cause I'm a big ol dog!" Man can you imagine Osama bin Laden findin out the president is a really big mean-lookin dog? I bet he would freak. I'm talkin a real big dog.
On November 2 vote for a leader with resolve an determination. For a leader who will face the enemy with aggression an fearlessness. For a leader that will bite you an not let go an you keep hittin it over an over an it just won't stop it is just that resolute. That's a big ol dog. Or come to think of it a gila monster! When they bite you they don't let go til they actually die, I saw it on a Discovery Channel special! Gila monsters are cool.
Fafnir endorses a gila monster.
posted by fafnir at 1:16 AM
Friday, October 22, 2004
The Only Leader Who Can Protect You From Giblets
In the nonstop panic attack that is the modern American national security climate, it is difficult to see who may best lead America... difficult for stupid people! For while many things may be unclear in the heady rhetoric of the campaign season, one thing is certain: Giblets will destroy you if you do not vote for him.
An attack by Giblets is certain. It is not a question of "if" but of "when." The only question left is: which leader do you trust to handle an attack by Giblets? To respond to Giblets? To prevent or pre-empt Giblets? There is only one candidate who understands Giblets and the threat posed by Giblets my friends. And that leader is Giblets.
Other candidates believe that Giblets can be handled with "police operations" or "reduced to nuisance levels." Giblets knows better. Giblets knows Giblets is not a metaphor. Giblets is a threat to Western civilization - a threat to freedom itself! - that only Giblets can curtail. Only Giblets can protect America from Giblets because only Giblets "gets" Giblets. Giblets is a massive world-endangering force of nature and to turn back the force of this awesome Gibletsian tide America must turn... to Giblets.
How serious are John Kerry and George Bush about protecting America from Giblets? As a senator John Kerry voted to cut two billion weapons systems that could have protected America from the impending Gibletsian attack. As president George Bush has set aside no money for counter-Giblets programs. And over the last year of campaigning neither one has mentioned Giblets in a major address except to note that he is "very short."
One candidate is taking Giblets - and the threat of Giblets - seriously. One candidate knows that if Giblets's rivals are elected president he could transform into a pack of ravenous wolves and eat your children. And that candidate is Giblets.
Does America really want to invite certain Gibtastrophe upon itself by electing candidates who are unprepared to lead them against Giblets? Giblets doesn't think so. And that is why America must elect Giblets, and his running mate, Giblets: for security. For safety. For victory.
And then, once he is elected, Giblets can destroy you all.
Giblets endorses Giblets.
posted by Giblets at 11:56 PM
Re-elect the Mascot King
When it comes to the war on terror, America cannot afford to have the wrong man at the helm. The leader of the free world must understand that this clash of civilizations is, above all things, a war of concepts, and he must have the strength and the purity to embrace the boldest possible vision. Now more than ever, America needs a man of ideas in the Oval Office.
George W. Bush is that man. For his administration had not only embraced ideas, it exists, in a sense, only as an idea. It has so rapidly and so readily embraced the boldest of ideas that it has transcended the need for real actions, real plans, real accomplishments, and reality itself.
Any leader could have made the war on terror into a tedious, ongoing struggle to unearth and uproot a multi-tentacled terrorist organization while attempting to heal the rifts between the Muslim world and the West. But George Bush didn't just see the task: he saw the grand idea behind the task, and better still, the vague abstractions behind the grand idea. And he was willing to fight those vague abstractions. Terror, weapons of mass destruction - they may not have been really in Iraq, but the idea of them most certainly was. And that was an idea the world's only superpower had to confront with real troops.
But even in launching a bold, ambitious, and dangerous gamble to remake the Middle East by planting a modernized, liberal democracy in its midst, George W. Bush was determined to let the purity of his ideals stand unsullied by the taint of base reality. He wanted to let the idea of rebuilding Iraq stand free of the messy clutter of plans to realize that idea. What need was there for sufficient troop levels, a trained Iraqi police force, an international coalition or adequate planning when the strength of bold thought was on our side?
And while the reality of Iraq may have steadily deteriorated, the idea of Iraq becomes brighter and brighter every day - and George Bush has stood for that idea, as he has stood for the idea of nuclear proliferation, even while scaling back on Nunn-Lugar and coddling Pakistan; as he has stood for the rebuilding of Afghanistan, even while consistently cutting corners on its funding; as he has stood for protecting the environment, even while gutting a host of environmental regulations dating back to the Nixon era; as he has stood for Homeland Security, even while dangerously underfunding actual security in ports, on borders, and in America's largest cities; as he has stood for civil liberties, even while supporting an amendment to make every gay American a second-class citizen and claiming the right to suspend the Geneva conventions. And in this we see that the George Bush presidency has elevated not only conventional politics, but the presidency itself, to an ideal: the president is no longer an executive who acts, but an Icon, who represents that which ordinary presidents hope to achieve by way of acting.
We can only hope to see George Bush stand for more ideas in his second term: standing for a disarmed Iran, for a more peaceful Mideast, for the prevention of a nuclear 9/11. We hope to see him aided by a newer and even more powerful Cabinet of Mascots: Defense Secretary G.I. Joe, Treasury Secretary Uncle Moneybags, National Intelligence Director Boris Badanov, Transportation Secretary Michelin Man, and Agriculture Secretary Elsie the Cow. And who better to take the reins of the State Department - and stand for reconciliation with our allies - than that representation of dignity, diplomacy and grace, Mr. Peanut?
Indeed, in time it may become possible that the distance between President Bush's ideas and his reality becomes so vast that he achieves pure abstraction - so that he himself is an idea, leading America not from the White House but from the Platonic Realm of Forms, where with but a thought he can eradicate the concept of Terror altogether. And that, my friends, is an idea worth standing for the concept of fighting for.
The Medium Lobster endorses George W. Bush.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 10:47 PM
Pickin a president is real serious work an while we do it we must weigh real serious questions. How tall should the president be? How often should he wear rolled-up flannel shirts to demonstrate his folksiness? When he quotes the Bible how much of it should be Old Testament stuff an how much should be the softer Jesusy stuff? Can his wife have a funny accent? Should her pants suits make her look like a pretend on-the-go businesswoman or an aggressively inoffensive modern housemarm?
So a course it took us a while for everybody here at Fafblog News Headquarters to weigh all of these super important factors to make our decision, smush it up, an bake it in tasty endorsement form. We hope you like it an take it as it was intended: as the voices of the mighty mighty star-gods returnin to carve the new commandments of the universe into the livin rock.
posted by fafnir at 9:56 PM
Chris has had a bad day at work so we're cheerin him up by hittin him with stuff!
"See Chris?" says me. "Pullin the rickshaw for the fat people isn't as bad as this."
"Or bein mauled by wild dogs," says Giblets.
"Or bein attacked by death squads," says me.
"Or bein dissected alive by organ harvesters," says Giblets. "Now those jobs were way worse! So suck it up Chris!"
"Think of all the starvin children in India who would love to be horribly exploited for your job," says me. "Don't you feel lucky?"
"Think of all the starvin children in India who ARE," says Giblets. "Do you want them to WIN, Chris? Where's your American pride!"
"Yes," says me. "Your miserable wage-slave existence is a proud an shinin star in Old Glory, Chris! Do not let our flag down!"
"Toil for the flag!" says Giblets. "Toil for the flag NOOOOOOW!"
After a couple hours a hittin Chris with a flag we finally dropped him in one a the Work Receptacles to be picked up by his corporate masters for a hearty day's labor. But it occurred to us that some other people might not like participatin in the glorious modern American labor force, which is just awful! So we put together this Inspirational Guide To The World Of Work To Inspire All Workers!
YOUR WORLD OF WORK!
YOUR ATTIRE! Is it a leash or a noose? Why stick to an either/or when you can have a both/and! The necktie was first developed from the "cravat," which was inspired by colorful scarves worn by Croatian mercenaries. Wow - a desperate class of hirelings that would do anything as long as you pay them money, and they wore ties, too! What a crazy coincidence! The cravat was then popularized by the court of Louis XIII, whose work experience included bein born as Louis XIII. His son went on to build Versailles as a charmin weekend getaway.
YOUR JOB! Your job will most likely be boring, repetitive, demeaning, and will vastly shorten your free time, your life expectancy, and your ability to get a better job. But don't worry! If you work real hard you can "climb the ladder" an get paid even more to do more boring, repetitive, demeaning tasks!
YOUR BOSS! Your boss's job is to make sure you spend as much of your life as possible at your job! Your boss spends most of his time talkin to larger, more aggressive bosses. "Boss!" he yells at the other bosses. "Boss boss boss! Boss boss!" He must defend his territory or else one of the larger bosses may close in an eat him. Sometimes he may inflate his hair to three or four times its current size to intimidate his opponents. If he displays his teeth back off quickly.
YOUR GOD! This is your god. You will love it an hate it an it will provide you everythin you need in the world! All it requires is sacrifice - your life, piece by piece, five days a week (or more for those of you in the service industry!), for the rest of your adult life. Don't worry - you get it back by the time you begin to lose regular bladder control! At times Work-God will smile upon you in its bounty. At times it will turn its back on you an you will cry "Money, why hast thou forsaken me?" Time for more overtime.
YOUR ETHOS! Work isn't just a sad long slog for survival! Work is its own reward. You know this because the Puritans told you so, an they were right about everythin that didn't involve burnin Quakers at the stake! When you work you are participatin in the Cosmic Cycle of Productivity in which the hard-workin are rewarded an the lazy are punished. Eventually. With easy entry to top universities, cushy jobs, and public office.
YOUR DESTINY! More of this every day for the rest of your life! And hopefully your children's lives, as we work towards a bold new future consisting almost entirely of part-time and temporary workers devoid of health benefits and working increasingly in low-paying service jobs! Embrace your World of Work!
posted by fafnir at 9:15 AM
Thursday, October 21, 2004
There are seventy thousand dead in Darfur an I'm watchin TV. "Mary Cheney gay," says TV. "Gay Cheney gay. Gay gay gay gay gay gay gay. Tesesa Heinz. Gay lesbian gay." Which is a valid point. Mary Cheney IS gay which is pretty important when you stop thinkin about it.
The Janjaweed militia is killing ten thousand a month and Tucker Carlson an Paul Begala are in my livin room for a Serious Debate on Serious Problems. Did Tesesa Heinz Kerry make fun of Laura Bush? Does that make Teresa Heinz Kerry "a bitch"? "The First Lady is America's wife!" says Tucker Carlson. "We can't let America marry a bitch!" Tucker hits the buzzer sound effect which makes the board light up an reveal eight potential cash prizes! "No whammies no whammies!" says Paul Begala.
I'm still kinda confused cause I'm not sure what this has to do with a girl in the Sudan whose family has been raped and murdered by armed militias but David Brooks has an answer for me! "It's because of the French," he says on my couch with a mouth full of potato skins. "The French and John Kerry." That's funny. I don't remember the French running the Sudan, or the White House either.
Giblets has fallen asleep in the onion dip watchin Larry King Live!, where Dr. Phil is explainin to me about the epidemic of oral sex in our middle schools. "Thousands of blowjobs every day!" says a visibly upset Dr. Phil. "Thousands upon thousands of pert teen lips! Can't you see it, Larry? Can't you see it?" There is genuine hurt on Dr. Phil's face, just like there's genuine hurt on the faces of children orphaned by the mass murderers in Darfur. I wish I could take away Dr. Phil's hurt.
There's a law that's going to make it legal to ship people off to Syria to be beaten with electrical cables and a buildup of nuclear arms in Iraq and North Korea and next month ten thousand more are probably going to die in Darfur. But there's also important stuff to think about, like the bump on George Bush's back an whether he an John Kerry are Jesusy enough. What are you going to care about in the end?
posted by fafnir at 11:02 PM
"We have been banned," says me. "Banned from the Seminole County Public Library."
"Giblets is too much for them!" says Giblets. "They cannot handle the awesome power of his Gibletsian discourse!"
"Why would they want to block Fafblog?" says me. "It's true that some of our pie-related discussions can get quite racy an provocative but that's only because we want to honestly an artistically present it to open-minded readers."
"Giblets says hell with them!" says Giblets. "Giblets has had to cramp his artistic vision to fit into the narrow-minded censorship of the public library system for too damn long! Now it is time for Giblets unchained!"
"It's kinda disappointin cause Fafblog has always tried to be a voice of enlightenin educational family-friendly discussion," says me. "Like in our six-part series Babies and Dingos: Nature's Best Friends."
"Now Giblets's voice can ring out across the vast electronic wilderness without any editorial restraints!" says Giblets. "And his voice says: Fuck! Fuck fuck fuck fuckity fucky fuck mcfuck!"
"I think the real tragedy here is all the little Seminole children who don't have Fafblog anymore," says me. "How will they learn important life lessons such as what to feed a rhinoceros or what Canada is like or how to skin a buffalo?"
"Giblets shall not just use fuck in every sentence!" says Giblets. "Giblets shall use every part of fuck! He shall use fuck as an intransitive verb! He shall use fuck as a preposition! The city fathers and the graybeard authorities will be left clucking at the audacity of his fantastical menagerie of fucks!"
"It is a terrible thing, censorship," says me.
"Yes but it has given us a great platform on which not to reach children," says Giblets and I agree.
posted by fafnir at 12:37 PM
I was lookin at J. M. Leen's The Two Americas the other day an ponderin the tragedy of our divided nation.
"I wish our country wasn't so bitterly divided," says me. "Then we could join hands together in peace insteada makin effigies to burn."
"Impossible!" says Giblets. "Because half of us are absolutely right an half of us are absolutely wrong!"
"But Giblets we should be able to respect each other's absolute wrongness," says me. "For example right now you're makin that ugly effigy of John Kerry to burn, which is hurtful an mean-spirited. But I'm makin my George Bush effigy to reflect his strong leadership an quiet heartland values so when he burns he burns with pride."
"Well my effigy's French beret is just to help him burn better," says Giblets. "You wouldn't want him to burn slow would you?"
"No I guess that would be cruel," says me.
Did you know that if a Red Stater and a Blue Stater come into contact they will explode an leave behind only a trace of purple goo? It's true! But there is hope. That purple goo can grow up to be a swing vote.
There is more hope. There is hope in bipartisan healing which can still heal the Terrible Divisions an prevent the elections (an the recounts an the e-voting crashes an the court challenges) from breaking our great nation into a thousand tiny warring factions. "Aww," says Giblets puttin down his AK-47. "Giblets wanted a faction all his own."
Democrats, say somethin nice about a Republican!1 Republicans, say somethin nice about a Democrat!2 Libertarians, say somethin nice about some function of the government!3 Greens, say somethin nice about the "corporate duopoly"!4 Naderites, do not vote for Nader!5
Me an Giblets have joined our burnin effigies hand in hand. Feel the bipartisan healing! Look deeply at the Other you had scorned but have now embraced. Deeply. Deeeeeeply. Embrace. An come to understand that in the warming light of universal peace an harmony we are all God's children.
Now punch im in the face over an over an over again! Now you're ready for the election!
1. who isn't John McCain or Lincoln Chafee
2. who isn't Joe Lieberman or Zell Miller
3. that isn't a "night watchman" function
4. without gratuitous use of the word "fascist"
5. no, seriously, don't vote for Nader
posted by fafnir at 8:56 AM
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
Lately a buncha people have been talkin about the draft, sayin stuff like "Will there be a draft?" an "Which candidate will be more likely to bring back the draft?" an "Why all this fuss about the draft!" an "We will sue you if you keep talkin bout the draft." Well it can be very confusin especially for young voters who tlevision informs me are mush-brained little squishy things who do not know what politics is an never vote unless there is a draft.
Well that's why you have Fafblog! In conjunction with the Defense Department an the Selective Service we have compiled this handy FAQ to educate you on the draft. Learn and Enjoy!
Q: Will there be a draft?
A: Of course not! Don't be silly! Why are you being so silly? There isn't going to be a draft! Ha ha, we are laughing because the idea is soooo silly!
Q: It seems like you're working on updated plans for an emergency draft of medical personnel...
A: Where did you hear that? That's crazy talk from crazy people! Ha ha! Like the president being an alien! Or the president wearing a wire to the debates! Or creating a half-trillion dollar deficit! Ha.
Q: Which presidential candidate will be more likely to bring back the draft?
A: Draft draft Drafty McDraft! Why are you so worried about the draft! There isn't gonna be a draft! The answer is John Kerry.
Q: What if we invade Iran to shut down their nuclear program? Wouldn't we need a draft then?
A: Of course not! There are lots of ways we could invade Iran that don't involve a draft! We could for example involve powerful robots.
Q: What about non-robot, non-draft solutions to the Iranian nuclear program?
A: We could use clever "reverse psychology" by throwing out all our nukes an gettin all our friends to throw out all their nukes an then go "Hey Iran, are you still tryin to make nukes? Man that is so twenty years ago" an then Iran feels all stupid an goes "well we were just usin them for energy purposes" an we go "well that's what everybody says" an just to prove they're cool Iran throws out their nukes! North Korea too we bet!
Q: I'm feeling less than reassured here.
A: Or we could invade Iraq all over again! The second time we do it, it could really show Iran we mean business and that they should become a liberal democracy right away!
A: Or we could sneak in overnight an hide their nuclear program under a real big tarp!
Q: The military is increasingly overstretched. How can we maintain order in an increasingly chaotic Iraq - much less keep up with President Bush's state-based approach to fighting terror - without dramatically increasing the size of the military? And won't that require a draft?
A: Of course not! Our military is just fine.
Q: National reserve and guard units are being deployed in Iraq. Stop-loss orders are being used to hold military units there for longer and longer periods of time. How can we keep doing this without a draft?
A: The military is like a muscle that needs to be flexed with the exercise of invasion. Longer, more grueling fighting for more troops makes the muscle stronger!
Q: We're currently so short of troops that the Pentagon is sending its training units into combat in Iraq. That isn't a sign of desperation? Phil Carter says this is like "eating your own seed corn."
A: But what he won't tell you is that seed corn is the most delicious corn of all! And filling, too!
Q: But... troop levels...
A: Just look at this tasty, tasty corn! Smeared with hot delicious melted butter! We got enough to stuff ourselves crazy today! C'mon, sit down an have a bite!
Q: Well... maybe just a little...
Q: Is there an elephant in this room?
A: Of course not! How could we miss an elephant in the room? That's so crazy! You've been listening to crazy rumors about crazy elephants on the crazy internet, that's what we think.
Q: Then what's that huge gray animal in the corner with the large flappy ears and prehensile trunk surrounded by heaps of elephant feed, elephant dung, and a sign reading "Do Not Touch The Elephant"?
A: That is an armadillo.
Q: An armadillo?
A: Armadillos can grow pretty big in the wild. You're probably used to seein the American armadillo, sometimes called the midget armadillo, which only grows to be about yea big. This is the African armadillo which keeps growin for most of its life.
Q: Well, it looks like an elephant.
A: Don't be silly! It's an armadillo! Here, look at this picture of an armadillo. Does that look like an elephant?
Q: That's a picture of an armadillo! It looks nothing like an elephant!
A: Well there you go! Now we're gonna go right over here an feed some elephant food to this armadillo.
posted by fafnir at 7:16 PM
I'm in the swing state of Iowa sittin with Morton Crenshaw, the last undecided voter in the state an the man who will decide the election. He's sittin back on his porch drinkin a thick viscous black liquid. It looks delicious!
"Can I have some?" says me.
"How many electoral votes you controllin'?" says Morton Crenshaw.
"Um," says me.
"Getcher own," says Morton Crenshaw.
Earlier I was talkin with swing statologist Dr. Brian Brainologist about the swing state of Iowa. You can tell he's an expert on accounta his real plush chair in his real leathery library!
"Whoever wins Iowa will win this election, period," says Brian Brainologist. "Without a doubt." But surely Dr. Brainologist is exaggeratin because there is also Florida an Pennsylvania an Michigan an Colorado an - "No, Fafnir, those states won't matter," says Dr. Brainologist. "It will all come down to Iowa. All of it. All of it, Iowa." Well, that is an important point I suppose an Dr. Brainologist does have a very large brain so - "NOTHING MATTERS BUT IOWA. ALL IOWA. ALL. IOWA. ALLLLLLL."
Okay okay jeez! So who will win Iowa? To figure this out we drove around Iowa an ate some ice cream an saw some cows. Did you know that there are over sixty-four breeds of cow? Well there are. We got bored after a while an ended up at Dr. Brainologist's again cause his office is open till five an he doesn't get many visitors, which is how we found out about Morton Crenshaw.
"The undecideds have been grabbed up," says Brian Brainologist. "No!" says me. "And the state is too evenly divided," says Brian Brainologist. "No! says me. "It will all come down to one voter," says Brian Brainologist. "One voter in Polk County will decide Iowa which will decide the election which will decide the fate of the world! One man! One man alone!"
"The biddin' starts at five hundred," Morton Crenshaw says. "Five hundred, a couple firm whores, and a night with the wife." He takes another drink a that thick black liquid. It smells a little like licorice. "We'll go up from there," he says. "See who wants to be president more." Direct democracy is a beautiful thing.
posted by fafnir at 2:27 PM
Giblets was outraged to learn that he had lost Vladimir Putin's endorsement of the presidency to George Bush! Putin is a hot new up-and-comer whose free-speech-squelching and authoritarian consolidation of power are almost enough to make Giblets proud, and his credentials on fighting terrorists are impeccable: who knows more about fighting a war on terror than a guy who incited one by launching an unprovoked scorched-earth war on an Islamic republic?
But don't think George Bush has the evil dictator vote all sewn up! See who has just endorsed Giblets!
"Giblets is strong! Giblets is powerful! His sword shall lay open the belly of his foes, and his armies shall march on the bones of his enemies! He shall be like a wall of iron before the terrorists, and shall shatter them with a thousand blows! Giblets shall slay Osama bin Laden, enslave his children, raze his cities to the ground, and sieze his women as his own! Vote for strength! Vote for power! Vote for Giblets! Or die by his hand!"You can keep Arafat, John Kerry! George Bush, you can crawl away with Putin, Iyad Allawi and Pervez Musharraf! Giblets has the hottest dictators around!
(links via Edward Underscore - damn you Edward Underscore! - and Gary Farber - damn you Gary Farber!)
posted by Giblets at 11:16 AM
Much has been made lately of the notion that George Bush suffers from a "reality gap," that he annot accept "facts on the ground" in Iraq or in the war on terror, that he appears "insulated" or "oblivious" or "utterly divorced from reality," that his much-vaunted certainty is nothing more than a hardened and terrible refusal to confront any facts that conflict with his personal view of the world.
As usual, the usual crowd of scurrying, chicken-little liberals have recognized a basic truth while failing to comprehend it. Of course the President has rejected reality. How else is he to control it?
The President's most serious duty is not acting as head of the executive branch, or as commander-in-chief of the armed forces. It is as weaver of worlds. Reality is created by perception, as all enlightened beings understand, and it is the President's job to create this perception, through bold use of suggestion, propaganda, and outright deception. For if the President succeeds in changing enough minds - to believe, for example, that major combat operations in Iraq ended on May 1st, or that Iraq and Afghanistan are flowering democracies, or that the majority of his tax cuts went to the middle class - then that perception will alter the fabric of reality itself, replacing the base, lower reality - in which Saddam Hussein had no connection to al Qaeda, in which no weapons of mass destruction were ever located, in which Iran and North Korea continue to grow stronger and more dangerous, in which one thousand US troops and countless Iraqi civilians have died for a fool's errand - into a bright and glorious one in which noble American might has routed and purged the terrorist menace and made the world a safer place.
Alas, there are saboteurs in our midst, who would try to create an alternate perception - to reinforce base, merely apparent reality over the President's higher, True Reality, to criticize the President - and therefore embolden America's enemies by helping to create a reality in which those enemies are succeeding. These opponents of Truth - liberal Bush-haters, international bureaucrats, former national security experts, journalists, American troops - must be routed before they can use the mystical, reality-warping power of words to bend the world into one that resembles the world we see instead of the world George Bush tells us he sees. The best way for free people to combat this is to lend potency to the President's reality - by creating it with words of their own.
The Medium Lobster will begin this noble work with the following: Victory is declared in Iraq. Indeed, it was declared on May 1, 2003. From this day forth, May 1 shall be a new national holiday: V-I Day, for Victory in Iraq. The Medium Lobster looks forward not only to the peaceful democracy of Iraq's peaceful transition to democracy, but to November 3, which, I understand, will be declared by the President to be V-T day - Victory over Terror, when the United States will stand victorious over its most dangerous enemies.
Once again, the Medium Lobster must wonder of John Kerry - a so-called "realist," one obsessed with facts and figures, with the reality of "facts on the ground" - is this a man Americans should trust with their country? Or is this a man not bold enough - not strong enough - to repeatedly reject the evidence of his senses? The Medium Lobster leaves the answer with you, while he celebrates the continuing freedom and security of the people of Iraq.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 8:57 AM