Tuesday, November 2, 2004

The flood of exit polling has begun to arrive, relieving voters of the tedious burden of actually having to vote to effect the outcome of the presidential race. Indeed, these never-fail predictors of electoral outcome have already illuminated the political destiny of John Kerry and George W. Bush, and there is no escape. Democracy cannot save you now!

Now that the foreplay of the polls draws to an end and the heady, thumping climax of CNN's election night coverage approaches, it is time for America to prepare itself for the morning after - to greet another President. It is vital that all of us accept his legitimacy, regardless of our party and political affiliation. Indeed, after a long and bloody campaign - one that has riven these once United States into vicious, squabbling factions - the time has come to put aside partisan differences and unite in a spirit of universal brotherhood, and passionately voicing our differences in the spirit and rhetoric of a better, higher discourse, one that respects everyone's right to exist within the American polity.

Ha ha! I jest, of course. Half of you have been absolutely 100% right about who should lead our country, while half of you have been absolutely 100% wrong*. Indeed, the man you voted against today was not merely wrong or wrongheaded or dangerously deluded - he was a purely execrable lump of venomous filth, a monster of Satanic proportions who whiled away his free time dining on aborted Iraqi fetuses while engaging in gay, married sex with the Saudi royal family, and any who supported him were objectively the enemies of America. Can you possibly allow your opponents to have a voice in the American polity? Gods, no! They must be torn up from the root, thrown bleeding onto the dried and cracked earth, stomped into dusty oblivion before they do the same to you. To do any less would be to desert your country.

The Medium Lobster wishes all voters, citizens, Supreme Court Justices, combatants, and Thunderdome fighters the best of luck in the days and months to come, as they brave the recounts, the court contests, the civil war, the no-man's-land, the Machine Wars, and the Reign of the Quadrarchs. Remember: if you give an inch, they'll take a mile - and then the survivalist in the bunker next door may legalize civil unions! Good hunting!

*Which half is which has been left as an exercise for the reader.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 4:27 PM

I voted today an I got the sticker to prove it! Some people say your vote doesn't count. But who's to say my little vote won't swing this crazy little state! Of Rhode Island. You should vote too! Just check to make sure a few things before you go:

  • Do you have your DNA samples ready? Remember that you will need a skin scraping, a blood sample, and a bone marrow extraction in addition to the usual urinalis if you want to vote in Florida or Ohio.

  • Are you a criminal? Remember that it is a crime to vote if you are or have ever been or think you have ever known somebody who is guilty of a crime or a felony or a traffic violation. Election observers or "challengers" can determine your eligibility by "challenging" you to a duel. If you win two out of three falls while joustin on horseback, congratulations! You may vote. If you are gored to death you may request a provisional ballot.

  • Are you ready to confront the Sphinx? When it appears before you in the polling station do not panic. Present it with a valid photo ID an proof of residence an then answer its riddle. If you answer correctly you will be given a ballot. If you answer incorrectly it will tear out your heart an devour your soul.

  • Are you a college student, a minority, or an elderly jewish voter? I am sorry but you are not allowed to vote this year please try again next time.
  • posted by fafnir at 1:38 PM
    Monday, November 1, 2004

    In two days Giblets will not just be your supreme leader, commander, and Giblets. He will be your constitutionally-mandated supreme leader, commander, and Giblets. In this Giblets is unstoppable! In fact Gibletsian state-by-state projections by Giblets's polling firm, Gibletsian Vision (G), show Giblets winning by a landslide - 535 to 3! (Wyoming will go to Bush. Damn you to hell, Wyoming. Damn you to hell.)

    Gibletsian partisans may already begin prematurely celebrating Giblets's victory! Giblets has already commissioned a 500 foot tall sculpture of himself on horseback trampling his foes, to be entitled Triumphe d'Gibletse! On January 20th Giblets will spend all of his inauguration ceremony eating an enormous pile of gold!

    But if - as some scurrilous rumors and half-mad acid-eating anti-Giblets propagandists have suggested - Giblets loses the election to John Kerry, it will be clear why. It will be because of the bias of the liberal media.

    The liberal media, who again and again painted John Kerry as a weak-willed pandering flip-flopper, knowing that Americans appreciate the supple pliabilty of a flip-flopper's ever-shifting positions over the hard resolve of Giblets! The liberal media, who represented Kerry's every position as an incoherent one knowing full well that Americans would be helplessly seduced by a convoluted, byzantine rambler instead of a straight-shooter like Giblets! The liberal media, who entertained the notion that John Kerry was a traitor to his country who had deliberately wounded himself to get out of Vietnam and besmirched the reputation of his fellow veterans, knowing that Americans love a quick-witted spineless coward over a heroic anti-terror crusader like Giblets!

    And if they succeed - if they cost Giblets the election - they will pay, my pretties. Oh how they will pay! For Giblets will marshall the entire power of the blogosphere to destroy the noxious "mainstream media" once and for all! With our power, nothing will stop Giblets from exacting bloody revenge! Giblets and pro-Giblets blogs will finally hunt down Peter Jennings and see him brought to justice! Tom Brokaw will be beaten, chained and thrown into Giblets's personal dungeon! The heads of Gwen Ifill and Charlie Rose, stuffed and mounted in Giblets's vestibule! To crush National Public Radio, see Dan Rather driven before me, and hear the lamentations of Al Roker! Victory or vengeance - they will be mine!
    posted by Giblets at 4:28 PM

    Ah, electiontime. There is no other time of the year when the higher powers and infinite wisdom of the Medium Lobster are so feverishly sought. For while lowly and confused mortals cluelessly sift through entrails and scrutinize the I Ching in desperate attempts to scry the fickle fortunes of the electoral college, the Medium Lobster walks the ethereal plane with gods, titans, and supermen, and reads the pronouncements of Gallup and Zogby as clearly as mortal men read print on a page. The future - yes, even the future of the hideously byzantine system that is the American presidential election - is an open book to one such as I.

    "Come! We must know!" you cry. "Who will stand triumphant on November Third? Who will be victorious?" The Medium Lobster chuckles. I could explain it all to you, of course, but most of you would hardly follow the reasoning, trapped as you are in your hopelessly limited understanding. The Medium Lobster will deign to share these revelations, gleaned after hours of meditation and fervent study of reams of data projections over the last several months, with the lumpen masses: that George W. Bush will win with 59.7% of the popular vote and 352 electoral votes, precisely.

    And now, the Medium Lobster shall retire for the moment, leaving his audience gasping and applauding in his wake. In one month he shall emerge once more with a breakdown of how many undecided voters - within the margin of error - can dance on the head of Ohio.
    posted by the Medium Lobster at 1:48 PM
    Sunday, October 31, 2004

    "An so another All Hallow's Eve draws to a close," says me. "I went as trick-or-treatin as an increasingly fragmented electorate. Bush Bush Kerry! Kerry Kerry Bush! Marriage sanctity sanctity!"
    "I went as the unquenchable consumption of our limited resources," says Giblets. "Feed me oil! Feed me oil NOOOOOW!"
    "I got apples an coupons for french fries an pennies an evangelical religious tracts!" says me.
    "This one tells me why role-playing games are witchcraft," says Giblets. "An this one tells me why Jesus is cool - by revealing that he is a colorful anthropomorphized talkin animal who also raps!"
    "This one tells me why Halloween is evil," says me. "It is the devil's holiday."
    "It's true," says Giblets. "Every Snickers in every plastic pumpkin pail feeds Lucifer's unholy flame."
    "If only Satanism weren't so delicious!" says me.
    "Beelzebub is made of candy," says Giblets. "That's why he was God's most perfect an most powerful creation."
    "An that's why he tempts us to destruction an the gum disease gingivitis," says me. "Which is the second death."
    "They say on a Halloween just like this two bloggers just like you an me met their tragic fate," says Giblets.
    "They picked up a mysterious hitchhiker," says me. "Who appeared suddenly on the road next to a haunted railway crossing."
    "An for fifty years they married her without ever untyin the ribbon around her neck," says Giblets. "An when they did she said her name three times an disappeared into a mirror to kill kids at a party!"
    "An all she left behind was her hook hand in the door a their car," says me. "They never even found out her name."
    "An when they went to her granma's house to return her hook hand her granma was all 'She died thirty years ago - on the night of her prom! You can see her gravestone right there!'" says Giblets.
    "An then they woke up in a bathtub full of ice with their kidneys missin," says me. "But when they called 911 the call was comin from their own house!"
    "That's cause 911 had moved into their basement," says Giblets. "Which meant that hijacked planes were crashin into it all the time."
    "On that day we were all Americans," says me solemnly.
    "Except for the French," says Giblets solemnlier.
    posted by fafnir at 11:20 PM

    Halloween is an important day for us here at Fafblog. As some a you know me an Giblets proudly treasure our Sri Lankan heritage an so we have always celebrated Halloween an its deep Sri Lankan roots.

    The roots of the first Halloween began in Sri Lanka where once a year an ancient symbolic battle was re-enacted between Nature, symbolized by a chieftain in ceremonial headdress, an pumpkins, as symbolized by delicious pumpkins! If Nature won there would be a large harvest festival community. If pumpkins won, a terrifying giant made of pumpkins would rise out of the pumpkin patch an devour peasants far an wide. This always happened on accounta the chieftain was a wuss. They named the festival "Autumn," which means "pumpkin" in Sri Lankan.

    Autumn was later introduced to the Americas by the Pilgrims, who burned witches in honor of Guy Fawkes Day cause the Pilgrims were too poor to afford straw but had all these witches just lyin around. The Pilgrims believed that all fire came from the center of the earth, where Jesus an Moses live an fight each other for eternity. When Jesus an Moses hit each other the earth is angry an great fire erupts! When they get tired they sit down an take a nap an we have winter for three months, which is where we get Christmas!

    Most scientists an members of the intelligence community believe Santa Claus to be a ferocious brain-eatin alien who is served by an army of robot elf slaves. His one goal is to sort all children into "naughty" an "nice" children who will then be either shipped to his toy-makin factories or fed to his carnivorous reindeer. Do not fear! He can be repelled by gamma radiation.

    Meanwhile the Goelitz Confectionery Company introduced candy corn in 1898. And today we have Halloween!
    posted by fafnir at 4:11 PM

    Helloooooooo! An welllllllcome to Faaaaaafblog's hooooouse of hooooorror! Wooooooooo! (wiggly fingers wiggly fingers wiggly fingers)

    As you can tell by the spooooooky music playin outside our blog an the spooooky decorations around it, this is a spoooky blog - quite possibly haaaaaaunted by ghosts in baaaaaad maaaaakeup!

    To your right is a plastic tombstone. Ancient plastic legends say that if you press the button on it, it will make very spooky prerecorded noises! So so spooooooky! (wiggly fingers wiggly fingers) To your left is a haaaaaaunted mailbox with haaaaaaunted discount coupon fliers inside! Moo hoo ha ha ha!

    Here you can have some cider an a donut... but beware. This is veeery scaaaary cider an veeerrry deadly donuts.

    Ahead of you is a bowl of delicious candy... delicious cursed candy! Guarded by Giblets in a verrrry spoooky hockey mask! Why's he wearin that hockey mask? Cause he watches hockey! Verrrry spooooky hockey!

    Oh no! Giblets is awake! An it looks like he's comin to sloooowly stab you with that - that Three Muskateers bar! That possibly bloody an terribly gory Three Muskateers bar! It is too spooky for you to handle you must run! Run now before the spookiness overwhelms you! Run an do not look back!

    Wooooo! Woo hoo ha! Moo hoo ha ha ha ha haaaa!
    posted by fafnir at 11:33 AM
    Saturday, October 30, 2004

    "Is the revolution over?" says me. "The people are gettin tired of it."
    "Nuts to the people!" says Giblets. "They are counter-revolutionaries! They are fifth-columnists! They do not 'get' the revolution!"
    "The revolution is tough to get," says me. "It's a pretty avant-garde revolution."
    "Very true," says Giblets. "All the more reason why it can only be run by us!"
    "We haven't done such a bad job," says me. "Like everybody's always complainin about Central Food Rationing. But if we didn't do food rationin how else could we make people eat an eagle a day?"
    "The central tenet of the revolution is freedom!" says Giblets. "A whole eagle is like 100% of your recommended daily allowance of freedom right there!"
    "An yknow cases of eagle-poisoning dropped a whole lot once we ran outta eagle!" says me.
    "There ya go!" says Giblets. "To say nothin of the great strength we showed in Operation Great Wall of Strength! Lesser revolutionaries would have defended the revolution by leavin the army at home. But we declared war on every country in the world before they could even decide they didn't like us!"
    "My only complaint with that is that we didn't get enough allies on our side," says me. "If we had it to do over again I think we shoulda gotten a bigger coalition of other countries to invade themselves."
    "An there's the Glorious Worker Initiative!" says Giblets. "Where we replaced all bourgeois factory management with glorious elephants to bring glory to common worker!"
    "An the workers that got trampled were the most gloriously trampled workers ever," says me.
    "Or the army of dancin robot apemen!" says Giblets. "That was just cool."
    "It may have cost three trillion dollars but it's three trillion dollars worth a cool," says me.
    "History will exhonerate us," says Giblets. "It will look upon our works an say, 'we don't care about your works; it's the thought that counts'."
    "So is the revolution over?" says me.
    "Never!" says Giblets. "It goes on an on an on like a snake swallowin its own tail!"
    "If a snake swallows its own tail won't it run outta snake?" says me.
    "No, never!" says Giblets. "The snake is just that big!"
    "Big an hungry an cannibalistic," says me. "Like the revolution!"
    "An the revolution lives on," says me. "It lives on in our hearts."
    "We should get that looked at," says Giblets pokin his chest.
    "It could be indigestion," says me.
    posted by fafnir at 5:42 PM
    Friday, October 29, 2004

    This just in! In light of the grave threat posed by Osama bin Laden's videotape Fafblog has declared a twelve-hour truce with rival blogs in order to allow Americans to absorb what happened today. We will not criticize the President or Senator Kerry or disrupt the National Unity until the rogue videotape is brought to justice.

    We have learned that special forces have been dispatched to find an track down rogue videotapes an cells of rogue videotapes across the country to try an stop them before they can be played again. We also understand that Homeland Security agents have already raided a Blockbuster's in Shelbyville, Kentucky.

    Fafblog will keep you updated on the national crisis as it develops.
    posted by fafnir at 10:04 PM

    Today, the election has been decided. Today, all has been made clear. The words of the world's greatest terrorist have made it clear: we must re-elect the man who failed to catch him, so he may continue to let him roam free.

    On a videotape today, Osama bin Laden spoke - and in doing, he committed an act of terrorism - terrorism of words. He didn't just threaten America - he insulted America's President. And if the American people vote their President out of office, they justify a terrorist criticism of George Bush. They make his lies the truth - and they waver before terror.

    And the moment America wavers before terror is the moment Freedom itself will die.

    Some of you may be saying, "Ah, but the fact that bin Laden is still alive is proof of the Bush administration's failure in the war on terror - proof that we shouldn't vote for him!" The Medium Lobster would laugh at your naivete - if this situation weren't so deadly serious. For only George W. Bush has the pure, hard determination to stand up to terror. And only George W. Bush has the unswerving, unfailing incompetence to allow terror to spread so he can continue to stand up to it.

    Listen to the words of the mass murderer, and re-elect the man who let him go. It's your duty. It's your destiny. Now and forever.
    posted by the Medium Lobster at 6:45 PM

    Osama bin Laden's back - an just in time for Halloween too!

    "Wooooooooo," says Osama bin Laden twirlin his black velvet cape. "I'm cooooomink to keeeeel you Faaaaafner."
    Oh no what should we do!
    "Let's ghoulishly speculate how this affects Kerry's chances on Tuesday!" says Chris Matthews.
    Great idea Chris Matthews! Is Osama a red stater or a blue stater? I bet Howard Fineman can tell me! An they said Halloween was scarey!
    posted by fafnir at 4:03 PM
    Thursday, October 28, 2004

    Come to scenic Mole Man Kingdom!I'm sittin in Orlok's Diner right now havin a mug a root beer an a slice a fresh lizard pie in Mole City where John Kerry an George Bush have both visited in the past two days. Four years ago if you'd said the Kingdom of the Mole Men would be a battleground state somebody would say you were crazy. But not this time. This time you're in Orlok's Diner askin him about the election an eatin lizard pie.

    "Upworlder filth!" says Orlok. "Orlok kill upworlders and feed their skulls to lavabeast!" Like most mole people Orlok is a simple hard-workin man of simple hard-workin stock whose quiet faith in family an country guides him through the day. I tip him for the pie an ask him what he thinks a John Kerry an he throws a dinosaur bone at me. Orlok is a Bush man.

    Three-term Vote early, mole men!Mole men have always been a proud religious folk. Loothuk, an expert on Molemanian politics, told me about how faith affected the Molian election. "All believe in Great Molnok! Molnok rise up one day, smite mole men enemies!" Loothuk says. "Molnok brings vengeance! Molnok brings power! For him we build Magmatron! Destroy the upworlders it will! Destroy and burn!" Mole men are also pretty big on national security. They're a pretty Republican bunch all around.

    Three-term governor of the mole men.But the poor economy of the Mole Kingdom has given John Kerry a new opening. "Grimlo lose job at rock quarry!" says Grimlo, a worker. "Rock quarry close down, move overseas! Why upworlders do this to Grimlo! Grimlo seek vengeance! Grimlo seek blood!"

    If John Kerry can manage to exploit this opening - an teach the mole men to vote insteada eatin campaign workers - he could steal a few juicy electoral votes from George Bush an become president. An then all he's gotta do is figure out how to destroy the mole men.
    posted by fafnir at 7:54 PM

    The Medium Lobster is equally baffled and amused to see the usual parade of frenzied liberals calling for an end to voter fraud and intimidation, for coherent ballot design, and a general increase in the voting population. These "democracy fetishists" have developed such an entirely irrational belief in voting - as if it were some basic right of democratic citizenship, what a thought! - that they've overlooked the obvious: when fewer citizens participate in a democracy, that democracy becomes stronger than ever.

    Do we really want the participation of voters who are easily intimidated from voting by the mere assignment of felon status? Or those who are evidently too addled to make sense of ballots such as this one? Only if we live in a society that sees democracy as a good in and of itself - and the Medium Lobster would want no part of such a deranged nightmare world! The purpose of democracy is not, after all, to select leaders whose policies carry the support and sanction of the public. The purpose of democracy is to select the right leaders - regardless of public intent. Tragically, occasional efforts to account for voter intent has often conflicted with democracy's higher, more noble calling.

    This is why the reduction of the voting electorate is critical to the maintenance of democracy. For the most intelligent and informed of citizens will surely turn out for the polls, while those who most be prodded by "Get Out the Vote" organizations are clearly always lazy, ignorant, uninformed, and weak - for why else would they need to be convinced to vote? Indeed, society must discourage voting by making it as cumbersome and as confusing as possible. While unnecessarily byzantine ballots such as Montgomery County's may shave off a chunk of the easily-frustrated vote, a good portion of the elderly and the ignorant could still figure out how to vote. After all, the successful completion of a ballot isn't the best, most accurate assessment of one's intelligence; an IQ test is. IQ assessments should be made mandatory before any voter registers, in order to weed those competent enough to participate in Freedom from the ranks of the unwashed.

    Ah, but you object, would a forced IQ test on every potential voter be truly cost effective? The Medium Lobster would humbly suggest that no sacrifice should be too great in the cause of safeguarding democracy, but for those fiscal conservatives who might balk at budgeting such a program, there are other options. Economic status correlates quite nicely with one's level of education; providing citizens with an economic disincentive to vote should be able to weed out the ballots of society's undesirables. How to do this? A simple tax levied at the polls would work - a poll tax, if you will. In addition to discouraging lesser-heeled - and thus less-informed - Americans from voting, this approach has the benefits of greatly boosting the revenues of state and local governments, many of which are still struggling to keep up in the heady mad dash of the current economic recovery.

    But the Medium Lobster can see that this would be a controversial move - no one wants new taxes, after all! For the tax-averse, the Medium Lobster suggests a final, more direct approach: simply weight the votes of the economically-disadvantaged as counting less than those of a normal, healthy, wealthy American. One could count the votes of those living beneath the poverty line as, say, three-fifths of a vote, thus correcting for their undue over-representation and thereby creating a smaller pool of more competent, deliberative voters. America, democracy, and Freedom Itself would be all the better for it.
    posted by the Medium Lobster at 6:19 PM
    Wednesday, October 27, 2004

    "The moon is eclipsed!" says Giblets runnin into the room. "Omens and calamities! Signs and portents!"
    "Is this a sign or a portent?" says me. "I gotta mark the right one down in my portent-watchin book."
    "An eclipsed moon is a sign," says Giblets. "It signifies changes and shifts and things to come, just like in the Bible!"
    "Is the Bible a sign or a portent?" says me.
    "A portent," says Giblets. "The Bible is very portentious but not very significant. The eclipsed moon is so significant that its surface is entirely populated by signifiers!"
    "I can't tell what they signify," says me. "I've lost my interpretant. It was scared away by the sign."
    "It should be!" says Giblets. "The signs mean things - great and terrible things! Omens and miracles and dogs marrying cats and goats born with two heads, stars and moons and green clovers! Dark things to come! There's a wolf at the door! There's a bear in the woods!"
    "Maybe the bear will eat the wolf," says me. "Then we can all settle down and get a pizza with the bear!"
    "Your commie bear cannot save you now!" says Giblets. "Wolves are the piranha of the forest. They can skeletonize a cow in under thirty seconds!"
    "And the bear is the cow of the forest," says me. "Which is why forest-farmers milk bears for honey - or as it is technically known, hunny."
    "Your forest farmers will be helpless before the onslaught of moon-wolves!" says Giblets. "They will fatten themselves on hunny and come prowling for us!"
    "I think we can outrun fat portents," says me. "But I'm not sure about fat signs." To test this I start feedin ham to a Bible.
    "Your fat books can't save us from portents!" says Giblets. "Only another sign can do that."
    "I've only got this llama," says me. "Is a llama a sign or a portent?"
    "A llama is neither a sign nor a portent!" says Giblets. "It signifies nothing but llama!"
    "Then we are helpless before their power," says me. "Their power to mean stuff."
    "There is nothing to do but wait and watch," says Giblets.
    "Watch television," says me. "It is rich with knowledge and advertising."
    "Advertising is a sign AND a portent!" says Giblets.
    "I'm gettin the pizza," says me. "The bear can have mushrooms on its half."
    posted by fafnir at 9:56 PM

    This is a fat pie. It is a huge pie. It is a pie that has been exposed to mysterious cosmic rays maybe or has gone on a terrible rampage an eaten hundreds of smaller weaker pies an is now bloated from its feedin frenzy or is a strange an mysterious genetic throwback to the times when giant pies ruled the earth. But it is still a pie.

    This is a pie made a birds. It is not a pleasant fluffy pie of fruit an sweet goo. It's pie stuffed with bird. It will taste like birds when you eat it. Do you like birds? Great we like them too, you will like this pie! Do you like the taste of birds? Then you will like this pie even more.

    Some people go "Oh these pies are unnatural pies! Oh, they defy the laws of pie an nature!" But a pie is a pie, and so are these pies. The chocolate spinach pie. The rhubarb ostrich pie. Even the okra tofu pie. Prick them, will they not bleed tasty filling? Eat them, will they not be delicious - to someone, somewhere? They are all children of a merciful an loving Piemaker-God.

    "Not true!" you say. "God only intended Godly, natural pies for our consumption - and none of this mixing pies with cake!" You form committees and parent-teacher organizations. You form PACs with names like "Concerned Pie-eaters of America" an "American Families for the Protection of Family Pies" an "Family Family Concern Family Family America Family" an you organize whole social movements around which pies are acceptable to eat an which pies are only eaten by blasphemers of nature an how much nutmeg makes you either one. You are bein very silly an dumb an should probably lie down. Rest a little. Have some pie. It's all good. Dig in.

    Labels:

    posted by fafnir at 8:22 PM

    "Hey Giblets," says me. "Where'd we get all the high explosives in the basement?"
    "What, you mean the high explosives by the washer an dryer?" says Giblets puttin some explosives in his soup.
    "No, the high explosives by the sump pump," says me stirrin some explosives into my cocoa.
    "Got em at the store," says Giblets dunkin some explosives into the explosive dip. "The high explosives store."
    "Did you go to Explosives-R-Us or Explodeytown?" says me.
    "Nah, I just went to Wal-Mart," says Giblets blowin up the TV. "This is stuff you can buy anywhere. Although they had a great deal at Kid Kablooie - 380 tons of explosives for the price of 300 tons of explosives."
    "That's a good deal on explosives!" says me blowin up the couch. "But Kid Kablooie is more of a kids store."
    "Yeah," says Giblets chuckin some explosives at the cat. "You can only get kids explosives there."
    "I hear John Kerry claims to have eaten all the marshmallow charms that come in Lucky Charms cereal," says me. "But in fact he has only eaten pink hearts, blue stars an purple horseshoes."
    "Disgraceful," says Giblets. "Will his lies never end?"

    And then Explodey the friendly explosive showed up an we had a party!
    posted by fafnir at 11:37 AM
    Tuesday, October 26, 2004

    In one week... in a mere seven days... a tidal wave will sweep this nation. A tidal wave of victory. A tidal wave of victory called Giblets.

    "I'm not so sure you're gonna win Giblets," says Fafnir who doubts the word an glory of Giblets.
    "The Gallup poll does not lie!" says me, Giblets. "Giblets leads by 82% in Florida alone!"
    "I'm kinda suspicious of that Gallup poll Giblets," says Fafnir. "I think it has seriously oversampled Giblets. In the poll 82% of likely voters were Giblets, whereas in 2000 exit polls indicated that less than 1% of voters were actually Giblets."
    "Away from Giblets with your lying anti-Giblets lies!" says Giblets.

    Already Giblets is festooned in his royal garb and ready to take his seat upon the throne of power in the Oval Office, which will give him complete control over America. Already he is prepared to ask in triumph! "That is not royal garb," says Fafnir. "That is the cheese dip." Insolent Fafnir you will never understand!

    But you understand, loyal Gibletsians. You understand the crushing tide that is Giblets. But the question remains: have you done enough for Giblets? Have you done your share for Giblets yet?

  • Do you have a flag-colored Giblets lawn idol? Do you burn incense to it daily?
  • Have you called up random people in the phone book shouting "Voooote for Giblets! Vote for Giblets NOOOOOOOW!" Did they hang up on you? How many times did you call them back? Did you go to their houses and throw rocks?
  • Have you clubbed random passers-by and dragged them to polling sites with strict instructions to vote for Giblets? Did you prime the exploding radio collars around their necks and assure them that insubordination and escape were impossible?
  • Have you threatened and beaten up non-Giblets voters? Have you registered non-existent Giblets voters in swing states?

    You have? Then do it some more! You haven't? Then go go go! Go or be blotted out as abominable in mine sight! Go for victory. For Freedom™. For Giblets.
  • posted by Giblets at 9:27 PM
    Saturday, October 23, 2004

    Steady Leadership In Times Of Change

    It's a confusin an frightenin time to be America. Because a 9/11 an these Times Of Change. "Oh no!" says America. "I'm so confused who do I vote for!" You need steady leadership in times a change America. The steady leadership of a big ol dog.

    Some other candidates say they are steady but are they really? Or are they just suspiciously french an ketchupy? "Sacre bleu, vive le France," say some other candidates. "Ceci n'est pas une pipe." Well always know where a big ol dog stands on hard issues like terror!" "HRARRGL HRAARRGL GRRRAAARRRGL," says a big ol dog bitin an spittin an growlin at terror. The dog is also tough on other dogs, postal workers, small children, plants an stuff that looks like plants.

    A big ol dog has a lotta resolve which you need in a president. When you throw a squeaky toy ball a big ol dog won't just chase the squeaky toy boll. He'll hunt it down an smoke it out! He'll even chase the squeaky toy ball when you don't actually throw it but just pretend to throw it an he won't give up for a long time either! That shows real determination which is important because we cannot wait for evidence of the squeaky toy ball when the evidence could come in the form of a mushroom cloud.

    We need a president that will send the right message to the terrorists. A message like "I'm big an tough an I'm not scared of you an I'm determined! Cause I'm a big ol dog!" Man can you imagine Osama bin Laden findin out the president is a really big mean-lookin dog? I bet he would freak. I'm talkin a real big dog.

    On November 2 vote for a leader with resolve an determination. For a leader who will face the enemy with aggression an fearlessness. For a leader that will bite you an not let go an you keep hittin it over an over an it just won't stop it is just that resolute. That's a big ol dog. Or come to think of it a gila monster! When they bite you they don't let go til they actually die, I saw it on a Discovery Channel special! Gila monsters are cool.

    Fafnir endorses a gila monster.

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    posted by fafnir at 1:16 AM
    Friday, October 22, 2004

    The Only Leader Who Can Protect You From Giblets

    In the nonstop panic attack that is the modern American national security climate, it is difficult to see who may best lead America... difficult for stupid people! For while many things may be unclear in the heady rhetoric of the campaign season, one thing is certain: Giblets will destroy you if you do not vote for him.

    An attack by Giblets is certain. It is not a question of "if" but of "when." The only question left is: which leader do you trust to handle an attack by Giblets? To respond to Giblets? To prevent or pre-empt Giblets? There is only one candidate who understands Giblets and the threat posed by Giblets my friends. And that leader is Giblets.

    Other candidates believe that Giblets can be handled with "police operations" or "reduced to nuisance levels." Giblets knows better. Giblets knows Giblets is not a metaphor. Giblets is a threat to Western civilization - a threat to freedom itself! - that only Giblets can curtail. Only Giblets can protect America from Giblets because only Giblets "gets" Giblets. Giblets is a massive world-endangering force of nature and to turn back the force of this awesome Gibletsian tide America must turn... to Giblets.

    How serious are John Kerry and George Bush about protecting America from Giblets? As a senator John Kerry voted to cut two billion weapons systems that could have protected America from the impending Gibletsian attack. As president George Bush has set aside no money for counter-Giblets programs. And over the last year of campaigning neither one has mentioned Giblets in a major address except to note that he is "very short."

    One candidate is taking Giblets - and the threat of Giblets - seriously. One candidate knows that if Giblets's rivals are elected president he could transform into a pack of ravenous wolves and eat your children. And that candidate is Giblets.

    Does America really want to invite certain Gibtastrophe upon itself by electing candidates who are unprepared to lead them against Giblets? Giblets doesn't think so. And that is why America must elect Giblets, and his running mate, Giblets: for security. For safety. For victory.

    And then, once he is elected, Giblets can destroy you all.

    Giblets endorses Giblets.

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    posted by Giblets at 11:56 PM

    Re-elect the Mascot King

    When it comes to the war on terror, America cannot afford to have the wrong man at the helm. The leader of the free world must understand that this clash of civilizations is, above all things, a war of concepts, and he must have the strength and the purity to embrace the boldest possible vision. Now more than ever, America needs a man of ideas in the Oval Office.

    George W. Bush is that man. For his administration had not only embraced ideas, it exists, in a sense, only as an idea. It has so rapidly and so readily embraced the boldest of ideas that it has transcended the need for real actions, real plans, real accomplishments, and reality itself.

    Any leader could have made the war on terror into a tedious, ongoing struggle to unearth and uproot a multi-tentacled terrorist organization while attempting to heal the rifts between the Muslim world and the West. But George Bush didn't just see the task: he saw the grand idea behind the task, and better still, the vague abstractions behind the grand idea. And he was willing to fight those vague abstractions. Terror, weapons of mass destruction - they may not have been really in Iraq, but the idea of them most certainly was. And that was an idea the world's only superpower had to confront with real troops.

    But even in launching a bold, ambitious, and dangerous gamble to remake the Middle East by planting a modernized, liberal democracy in its midst, George W. Bush was determined to let the purity of his ideals stand unsullied by the taint of base reality. He wanted to let the idea of rebuilding Iraq stand free of the messy clutter of plans to realize that idea. What need was there for sufficient troop levels, a trained Iraqi police force, an international coalition or adequate planning when the strength of bold thought was on our side?

    And while the reality of Iraq may have steadily deteriorated, the idea of Iraq becomes brighter and brighter every day - and George Bush has stood for that idea, as he has stood for the idea of nuclear proliferation, even while scaling back on Nunn-Lugar and coddling Pakistan; as he has stood for the rebuilding of Afghanistan, even while consistently cutting corners on its funding; as he has stood for protecting the environment, even while gutting a host of environmental regulations dating back to the Nixon era; as he has stood for Homeland Security, even while dangerously underfunding actual security in ports, on borders, and in America's largest cities; as he has stood for civil liberties, even while supporting an amendment to make every gay American a second-class citizen and claiming the right to suspend the Geneva conventions. And in this we see that the George Bush presidency has elevated not only conventional politics, but the presidency itself, to an ideal: the president is no longer an executive who acts, but an Icon, who represents that which ordinary presidents hope to achieve by way of acting.

    We can only hope to see George Bush stand for more ideas in his second term: standing for a disarmed Iran, for a more peaceful Mideast, for the prevention of a nuclear 9/11. We hope to see him aided by a newer and even more powerful Cabinet of Mascots: Defense Secretary G.I. Joe, Treasury Secretary Uncle Moneybags, National Intelligence Director Boris Badanov, Transportation Secretary Michelin Man, and Agriculture Secretary Elsie the Cow. And who better to take the reins of the State Department - and stand for reconciliation with our allies - than that representation of dignity, diplomacy and grace, Mr. Peanut?

    Indeed, in time it may become possible that the distance between President Bush's ideas and his reality becomes so vast that he achieves pure abstraction - so that he himself is an idea, leading America not from the White House but from the Platonic Realm of Forms, where with but a thought he can eradicate the concept of Terror altogether. And that, my friends, is an idea worth standing for the concept of fighting for.

    The Medium Lobster endorses George W. Bush.

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    posted by the Medium Lobster at 10:47 PM

    Pickin a president is real serious work an while we do it we must weigh real serious questions. How tall should the president be? How often should he wear rolled-up flannel shirts to demonstrate his folksiness? When he quotes the Bible how much of it should be Old Testament stuff an how much should be the softer Jesusy stuff? Can his wife have a funny accent? Should her pants suits make her look like a pretend on-the-go businesswoman or an aggressively inoffensive modern housemarm?

    So a course it took us a while for everybody here at Fafblog News Headquarters to weigh all of these super important factors to make our decision, smush it up, an bake it in tasty endorsement form. We hope you like it an take it as it was intended: as the voices of the mighty mighty star-gods returnin to carve the new commandments of the universe into the livin rock.
    posted by fafnir at 9:56 PM

    Chris has had a bad day at work so we're cheerin him up by hittin him with stuff!

    "See Chris?" says me. "Pullin the rickshaw for the fat people isn't as bad as this."
    "Or bein mauled by wild dogs," says Giblets.
    "Or bein attacked by death squads," says me.
    "Or bein dissected alive by organ harvesters," says Giblets. "Now those jobs were way worse! So suck it up Chris!"
    "Think of all the starvin children in India who would love to be horribly exploited for your job," says me. "Don't you feel lucky?"
    "Think of all the starvin children in India who ARE," says Giblets. "Do you want them to WIN, Chris? Where's your American pride!"
    "Yes," says me. "Your miserable wage-slave existence is a proud an shinin star in Old Glory, Chris! Do not let our flag down!"
    "Toil for the flag!" says Giblets. "Toil for the flag NOOOOOOW!"

    After a couple hours a hittin Chris with a flag we finally dropped him in one a the Work Receptacles to be picked up by his corporate masters for a hearty day's labor. But it occurred to us that some other people might not like participatin in the glorious modern American labor force, which is just awful! So we put together this Inspirational Guide To The World Of Work To Inspire All Workers!

    YOUR WORLD OF WORK!

    YOUR ATTIRE! Is it a leash or a noose? Why stick to an either/or when you can have a both/and! The necktie was first developed from the "cravat," which was inspired by colorful scarves worn by Croatian mercenaries. Wow - a desperate class of hirelings that would do anything as long as you pay them money, and they wore ties, too! What a crazy coincidence! The cravat was then popularized by the court of Louis XIII, whose work experience included bein born as Louis XIII. His son went on to build Versailles as a charmin weekend getaway.

    YOUR JOB! Your job will most likely be boring, repetitive, demeaning, and will vastly shorten your free time, your life expectancy, and your ability to get a better job. But don't worry! If you work real hard you can "climb the ladder" an get paid even more to do more boring, repetitive, demeaning tasks!

    YOUR BOSS! Your boss's job is to make sure you spend as much of your life as possible at your job! Your boss spends most of his time talkin to larger, more aggressive bosses. "Boss!" he yells at the other bosses. "Boss boss boss! Boss boss!" He must defend his territory or else one of the larger bosses may close in an eat him. Sometimes he may inflate his hair to three or four times its current size to intimidate his opponents. If he displays his teeth back off quickly.

    YOUR GOD! This is your god. You will love it an hate it an it will provide you everythin you need in the world! All it requires is sacrifice - your life, piece by piece, five days a week (or more for those of you in the service industry!), for the rest of your adult life. Don't worry - you get it back by the time you begin to lose regular bladder control! At times Work-God will smile upon you in its bounty. At times it will turn its back on you an you will cry "Money, why hast thou forsaken me?" Time for more overtime.

    YOUR ETHOS! Work isn't just a sad long slog for survival! Work is its own reward. You know this because the Puritans told you so, an they were right about everythin that didn't involve burnin Quakers at the stake! When you work you are participatin in the Cosmic Cycle of Productivity in which the hard-workin are rewarded an the lazy are punished. Eventually. With easy entry to top universities, cushy jobs, and public office.

    YOUR DESTINY! More of this every day for the rest of your life! And hopefully your children's lives, as we work towards a bold new future consisting almost entirely of part-time and temporary workers devoid of health benefits and working increasingly in low-paying service jobs! Embrace your World of Work!
    posted by fafnir at 9:15 AM
    Thursday, October 21, 2004

    There are seventy thousand dead in Darfur an I'm watchin TV. "Mary Cheney gay," says TV. "Gay Cheney gay. Gay gay gay gay gay gay gay. Tesesa Heinz. Gay lesbian gay." Which is a valid point. Mary Cheney IS gay which is pretty important when you stop thinkin about it.

    The Janjaweed militia is killing ten thousand a month and Tucker Carlson an Paul Begala are in my livin room for a Serious Debate on Serious Problems. Did Tesesa Heinz Kerry make fun of Laura Bush? Does that make Teresa Heinz Kerry "a bitch"? "The First Lady is America's wife!" says Tucker Carlson. "We can't let America marry a bitch!" Tucker hits the buzzer sound effect which makes the board light up an reveal eight potential cash prizes! "No whammies no whammies!" says Paul Begala.

    I'm still kinda confused cause I'm not sure what this has to do with a girl in the Sudan whose family has been raped and murdered by armed militias but David Brooks has an answer for me! "It's because of the French," he says on my couch with a mouth full of potato skins. "The French and John Kerry." That's funny. I don't remember the French running the Sudan, or the White House either.

    Giblets has fallen asleep in the onion dip watchin Larry King Live!, where Dr. Phil is explainin to me about the epidemic of oral sex in our middle schools. "Thousands of blowjobs every day!" says a visibly upset Dr. Phil. "Thousands upon thousands of pert teen lips! Can't you see it, Larry? Can't you see it?" There is genuine hurt on Dr. Phil's face, just like there's genuine hurt on the faces of children orphaned by the mass murderers in Darfur. I wish I could take away Dr. Phil's hurt.

    There's a law that's going to make it legal to ship people off to Syria to be beaten with electrical cables and a buildup of nuclear arms in Iraq and North Korea and next month ten thousand more are probably going to die in Darfur. But there's also important stuff to think about, like the bump on George Bush's back an whether he an John Kerry are Jesusy enough. What are you going to care about in the end?
    posted by fafnir at 11:02 PM

    "We have been banned," says me. "Banned from the Seminole County Public Library."
    "Giblets is too much for them!" says Giblets. "They cannot handle the awesome power of his Gibletsian discourse!"
    "Why would they want to block Fafblog?" says me. "It's true that some of our pie-related discussions can get quite racy an provocative but that's only because we want to honestly an artistically present it to open-minded readers."
    "Giblets says hell with them!" says Giblets. "Giblets has had to cramp his artistic vision to fit into the narrow-minded censorship of the public library system for too damn long! Now it is time for Giblets unchained!"
    "It's kinda disappointin cause Fafblog has always tried to be a voice of enlightenin educational family-friendly discussion," says me. "Like in our six-part series Babies and Dingos: Nature's Best Friends."
    "Now Giblets's voice can ring out across the vast electronic wilderness without any editorial restraints!" says Giblets. "And his voice says: Fuck! Fuck fuck fuck fuckity fucky fuck mcfuck!"
    "I think the real tragedy here is all the little Seminole children who don't have Fafblog anymore," says me. "How will they learn important life lessons such as what to feed a rhinoceros or what Canada is like or how to skin a buffalo?"
    "Giblets shall not just use fuck in every sentence!" says Giblets. "Giblets shall use every part of fuck! He shall use fuck as an intransitive verb! He shall use fuck as a preposition! The city fathers and the graybeard authorities will be left clucking at the audacity of his fantastical menagerie of fucks!"
    "It is a terrible thing, censorship," says me.
    "Yes but it has given us a great platform on which not to reach children," says Giblets and I agree.
    posted by fafnir at 12:37 PM

    I was lookin at J. M. Leen's The Two Americas the other day an ponderin the tragedy of our divided nation.

    Bele and Lokai are divided on the upcoming election."I wish our country wasn't so bitterly divided," says me. "Then we could join hands together in peace insteada makin effigies to burn."
    "Impossible!" says Giblets. "Because half of us are absolutely right an half of us are absolutely wrong!"
    "But Giblets we should be able to respect each other's absolute wrongness," says me. "For example right now you're makin that ugly effigy of John Kerry to burn, which is hurtful an mean-spirited. But I'm makin my George Bush effigy to reflect his strong leadership an quiet heartland values so when he burns he burns with pride."
    "Well my effigy's French beret is just to help him burn better," says Giblets. "You wouldn't want him to burn slow would you?"
    "No I guess that would be cruel," says me.

    Did you know that if a Red Stater and a Blue Stater come into contact they will explode an leave behind only a trace of purple goo? It's true! But there is hope. That purple goo can grow up to be a swing vote.

    There is more hope. There is hope in bipartisan healing which can still heal the Terrible Divisions an prevent the elections (an the recounts an the e-voting crashes an the court challenges) from breaking our great nation into a thousand tiny warring factions. "Aww," says Giblets puttin down his AK-47. "Giblets wanted a faction all his own."

    Democrats, say somethin nice about a Republican!1 Republicans, say somethin nice about a Democrat!2 Libertarians, say somethin nice about some function of the government!3 Greens, say somethin nice about the "corporate duopoly"!4 Naderites, do not vote for Nader!5

    Me an Giblets have joined our burnin effigies hand in hand. Feel the bipartisan healing! Look deeply at the Other you had scorned but have now embraced. Deeply. Deeeeeeply. Embrace. An come to understand that in the warming light of universal peace an harmony we are all God's children.

    Now punch im in the face over an over an over again! Now you're ready for the election!

    1. who isn't John McCain or Lincoln Chafee
    2. who isn't Joe Lieberman or Zell Miller
    3. that isn't a "night watchman" function
    4. without gratuitous use of the word "fascist"
    5. no, seriously, don't vote for Nader
    posted by fafnir at 8:56 AM
    Tuesday, October 19, 2004

    Lately a buncha people have been talkin about the draft, sayin stuff like "Will there be a draft?" an "Which candidate will be more likely to bring back the draft?" an "Why all this fuss about the draft!" an "We will sue you if you keep talkin bout the draft." Well it can be very confusin especially for young voters who tlevision informs me are mush-brained little squishy things who do not know what politics is an never vote unless there is a draft.

    Well that's why you have Fafblog! In conjunction with the Defense Department an the Selective Service we have compiled this handy FAQ to educate you on the draft. Learn and Enjoy!

    Q: Will there be a draft?
    A: Of course not! Don't be silly! Why are you being so silly? There isn't going to be a draft! Ha ha, we are laughing because the idea is soooo silly!
    Q: It seems like you're working on updated plans for an emergency draft of medical personnel...
    A: Where did you hear that? That's crazy talk from crazy people! Ha ha! Like the president being an alien! Or the president wearing a wire to the debates! Or creating a half-trillion dollar deficit! Ha.
    Q: Which presidential candidate will be more likely to bring back the draft?
    A: Draft draft Drafty McDraft! Why are you so worried about the draft! There isn't gonna be a draft! The answer is John Kerry.

    Q: What if we invade Iran to shut down their nuclear program? Wouldn't we need a draft then?
    A: Of course not! There are lots of ways we could invade Iran that don't involve a draft! We could for example involve powerful robots.
    Q: What about non-robot, non-draft solutions to the Iranian nuclear program?
    A: We could use clever "reverse psychology" by throwing out all our nukes an gettin all our friends to throw out all their nukes an then go "Hey Iran, are you still tryin to make nukes? Man that is so twenty years ago" an then Iran feels all stupid an goes "well we were just usin them for energy purposes" an we go "well that's what everybody says" an just to prove they're cool Iran throws out their nukes! North Korea too we bet!
    Q: I'm feeling less than reassured here.
    A: Or we could invade Iraq all over again! The second time we do it, it could really show Iran we mean business and that they should become a liberal democracy right away!
    Q: Um.
    A: Or we could sneak in overnight an hide their nuclear program under a real big tarp!

    Q: The military is increasingly overstretched. How can we maintain order in an increasingly chaotic Iraq - much less keep up with President Bush's state-based approach to fighting terror - without dramatically increasing the size of the military? And won't that require a draft?
    A: Of course not! Our military is just fine.
    Q: National reserve and guard units are being deployed in Iraq. Stop-loss orders are being used to hold military units there for longer and longer periods of time. How can we keep doing this without a draft?
    A: The military is like a muscle that needs to be flexed with the exercise of invasion. Longer, more grueling fighting for more troops makes the muscle stronger!
    Q: We're currently so short of troops that the Pentagon is sending its training units into combat in Iraq. That isn't a sign of desperation? Phil Carter says this is like "eating your own seed corn."
    A: But what he won't tell you is that seed corn is the most delicious corn of all! And filling, too!
    Q: But... troop levels...
    A: Just look at this tasty, tasty corn! Smeared with hot delicious melted butter! We got enough to stuff ourselves crazy today! C'mon, sit down an have a bite!
    Q: Well... maybe just a little...

    Q: Is there an elephant in this room?
    A: Of course not! How could we miss an elephant in the room? That's so crazy! You've been listening to crazy rumors about crazy elephants on the crazy internet, that's what we think.
    Q: Then what's that huge gray animal in the corner with the large flappy ears and prehensile trunk surrounded by heaps of elephant feed, elephant dung, and a sign reading "Do Not Touch The Elephant"?
    A: That is an armadillo.
    Q: An armadillo?
    A: Armadillos can grow pretty big in the wild. You're probably used to seein the American armadillo, sometimes called the midget armadillo, which only grows to be about yea big. This is the African armadillo which keeps growin for most of its life.
    Q: Well, it looks like an elephant.
    A: Don't be silly! It's an armadillo! Here, look at this picture of an armadillo. Does that look like an elephant?
    Q: That's a picture of an armadillo! It looks nothing like an elephant!
    A: Well there you go! Now we're gonna go right over here an feed some elephant food to this armadillo.
    posted by fafnir at 7:16 PM

    One of Iowa's many volcanoes.I'm in the swing state of Iowa sittin with Morton Crenshaw, the last undecided voter in the state an the man who will decide the election. He's sittin back on his porch drinkin a thick viscous black liquid. It looks delicious!

    "Can I have some?" says me.
    "How many electoral votes you controllin'?" says Morton Crenshaw.
    "Um," says me.
    "Getcher own," says Morton Crenshaw.

    Earlier I was talkin with swing statologist Dr. Brian Brainologist about the swing state of Iowa. You can tell he's an expert on accounta his real plush chair in his real leathery library!

    "Whoever wins Iowa will win this election, period," says Brian Brainologist. "Without a doubt." But surely Dr. Brainologist is exaggeratin because there is also Florida an Pennsylvania an Michigan an Colorado an - "No, Fafnir, those states won't matter," says Dr. Brainologist. "It will all come down to Iowa. All of it. All of it, Iowa." Well, that is an important point I suppose an Dr. Brainologist does have a very large brain so - "NOTHING MATTERS BUT IOWA. ALL IOWA. ALL. IOWA. ALLLLLLL."

    Iowa has cows.Okay okay jeez! So who will win Iowa? To figure this out we drove around Iowa an ate some ice cream an saw some cows. Did you know that there are over sixty-four breeds of cow? Well there are. We got bored after a while an ended up at Dr. Brainologist's again cause his office is open till five an he doesn't get many visitors, which is how we found out about Morton Crenshaw.

    Eat Corn!"The undecideds have been grabbed up," says Brian Brainologist. "No!" says me. "And the state is too evenly divided," says Brian Brainologist. "No! says me. "It will all come down to one voter," says Brian Brainologist. "One voter in Polk County will decide Iowa which will decide the election which will decide the fate of the world! One man! One man alone!"

    "The biddin' starts at five hundred," Morton Crenshaw says. "Five hundred, a couple firm whores, and a night with the wife." He takes another drink a that thick black liquid. It smells a little like licorice. "We'll go up from there," he says. "See who wants to be president more." Direct democracy is a beautiful thing.
    posted by fafnir at 2:27 PM

    Giblets was outraged to learn that he had lost Vladimir Putin's endorsement of the presidency to George Bush! Putin is a hot new up-and-comer whose free-speech-squelching and authoritarian consolidation of power are almost enough to make Giblets proud, and his credentials on fighting terrorists are impeccable: who knows more about fighting a war on terror than a guy who incited one by launching an unprovoked scorched-earth war on an Islamic republic?

    But don't think George Bush has the evil dictator vote all sewn up! See who has just endorsed Giblets!
    "Giblets is strong! Giblets is powerful! His sword shall lay open the belly of his foes, and his armies shall march on the bones of his enemies! He shall be like a wall of iron before the terrorists, and shall shatter them with a thousand blows! Giblets shall slay Osama bin Laden, enslave his children, raze his cities to the ground, and sieze his women as his own! Vote for strength! Vote for power! Vote for Giblets! Or die by his hand!"
    - Ghengis, Khan of the Mongol Horde

    "Hail Giblets! The gods have selected him as their divine instrument of delicious vengeance, and through them he shall obliterate all the enemies of the empire! To oppose him is sacrilege; to defy him is to risk annihilation at the hands of the terrorists, who lie ready to pour swarming from the celestial womb of chaos at his first pronouncement! Oh my lovelies, vote for Giblets!"
    -Caligula, Emperor of Rome
    You can keep Arafat, John Kerry! George Bush, you can crawl away with Putin, Iyad Allawi and Pervez Musharraf! Giblets has the hottest dictators around!

    (links via Edward Underscore - damn you Edward Underscore! - and Gary Farber - damn you Gary Farber!)
    posted by Giblets at 11:16 AM

    Much has been made lately of the notion that George Bush suffers from a "reality gap," that he annot accept "facts on the ground" in Iraq or in the war on terror, that he appears "insulated" or "oblivious" or "utterly divorced from reality," that his much-vaunted certainty is nothing more than a hardened and terrible refusal to confront any facts that conflict with his personal view of the world.

    As usual, the usual crowd of scurrying, chicken-little liberals have recognized a basic truth while failing to comprehend it. Of course the President has rejected reality. How else is he to control it?

    The President's most serious duty is not acting as head of the executive branch, or as commander-in-chief of the armed forces. It is as weaver of worlds. Reality is created by perception, as all enlightened beings understand, and it is the President's job to create this perception, through bold use of suggestion, propaganda, and outright deception. For if the President succeeds in changing enough minds - to believe, for example, that major combat operations in Iraq ended on May 1st, or that Iraq and Afghanistan are flowering democracies, or that the majority of his tax cuts went to the middle class - then that perception will alter the fabric of reality itself, replacing the base, lower reality - in which Saddam Hussein had no connection to al Qaeda, in which no weapons of mass destruction were ever located, in which Iran and North Korea continue to grow stronger and more dangerous, in which one thousand US troops and countless Iraqi civilians have died for a fool's errand - into a bright and glorious one in which noble American might has routed and purged the terrorist menace and made the world a safer place.

    Alas, there are saboteurs in our midst, who would try to create an alternate perception - to reinforce base, merely apparent reality over the President's higher, True Reality, to criticize the President - and therefore embolden America's enemies by helping to create a reality in which those enemies are succeeding. These opponents of Truth - liberal Bush-haters, international bureaucrats, former national security experts, journalists, American troops - must be routed before they can use the mystical, reality-warping power of words to bend the world into one that resembles the world we see instead of the world George Bush tells us he sees. The best way for free people to combat this is to lend potency to the President's reality - by creating it with words of their own.

    The Medium Lobster will begin this noble work with the following: Victory is declared in Iraq. Indeed, it was declared on May 1, 2003. From this day forth, May 1 shall be a new national holiday: V-I Day, for Victory in Iraq. The Medium Lobster looks forward not only to the peaceful democracy of Iraq's peaceful transition to democracy, but to November 3, which, I understand, will be declared by the President to be V-T day - Victory over Terror, when the United States will stand victorious over its most dangerous enemies.

    Once again, the Medium Lobster must wonder of John Kerry - a so-called "realist," one obsessed with facts and figures, with the reality of "facts on the ground" - is this a man Americans should trust with their country? Or is this a man not bold enough - not strong enough - to repeatedly reject the evidence of his senses? The Medium Lobster leaves the answer with you, while he celebrates the continuing freedom and security of the people of Iraq.
    posted by the Medium Lobster at 8:57 AM
    Saturday, October 16, 2004

    So some a you may not've noticed but the Red Sox have been playin the Yankees!

    "Hooray!" says me wavin a bipartisan foam finger. "May the best team win."
    "Nooooo!" says Giblets. "The Yankees suck and shall be doomed - ONE DAY - by a RIGHTEOUS GOD in whom Giblets believes VERY DEEPLY - to an eternity of HELLFIRE!"
    "But Giblets how can the Yankees suck if they have beaten the Red Sox so many times?" says me.
    "That is not what sucking means!" says Giblets. "Sucking is a moral property! It does not reflect what the Yankees have done but what the Yankees intrinsically are. And they are intrinsically evil and suck!"
    "I am not sure about your theory of sucking Giblets," says me. "I always believed sucking was reducible to natural properties such as double-parkin your car or stiffin your roommate on rent or leavin in Pedro Martinez for too long."
    "No!" says Giblets. "Sucking is an objective irreducible moral property an we can intuit when sucking is present! It is an objective moral truth that the Yankees suck!"
    "But Giblets why would so many sucky Yankees be beloved by so many New Yorkers?" says me. "An why would so many sucky Yankees be rewarded with so many pennants?"
    "There is no such thing as suckical subjectivity!" says Giblets. "The Yankees suck no matter how much society has approved of and rewarded their sucking!"
    "Maybe objective sucking does not really exist," says me. "An we are makin false statements when we say that a team sucks or rules."
    "How can you say sucking doesn't exist!" says Giblets. "That would mean George Steinbrenner could not suck!"
    "It's true that we want to say that George Steinbrenner sucks," says me. "But maybe when we say he sucks we're just expressin our very strong emotional dislike of George Steinbrenner for bein a bastard an firin Billy Martin five times."
    "Well Giblets does not want to live in a world without laws of objective truth!" says Giblets. "A world where the Yankees don't suck is a world of celestial anarchy!"
    "An where does the curse come in Giblets?" says me.
    "It is God's mighty test to us," says Giblets. "His ways are strange an mysterious an cruel an we cannot fathom them but one day - one day! - he will reward us with the World Series an a seat at the right hand of the Father. Or else it is a curse laid on us by Babe Ruth an it won't go away until we exhume an desecrate his corpse with arcane rituals."
    "Is that why we've got the shovels an the wooden stake?" says me.
    "Yes," says Giblets. "And now we dig."

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    posted by fafnir at 10:58 AM
    Friday, October 15, 2004

    The Medium Lobster was appalled, just like the rest of perpetually-outraged America, to see John Kerry mention that Dick Cheney has a gay daughter Wednesday night. For there is no greater offense one can make to an openly gay person than to make note of their gayness.

    Dick and Lynne Cheney are right to be outraged, as are sincere and heartfelt gay rights' advocates Glenn Reynolds and Mickey Kaus. And this outrage comes not because they feel that homosexuality is shameful or icky or full of cooties. It is because they know that the greatest shame one can bring to a lesbian is to note their existence.

    Before John Kerry's terrible words, Mary Cheney only had to be gay to her family, her friends, the Coors Corporation, the staff of Bush/Cheney Re-Elect, and the gay community at large to whom she acted as a liason. But John Kerry made her gay to the entire world, effectively making her more gay than ever before.

    There is an obvious solution here - but only part of it involves the trial of John Kerry as a thought criminal. Good solutions are proactive, not reactive, and the problem with Mary Cheney was not merely that her admitted sexuality could be mentioned on national television. It was that she could be seen at all, allowing anyone who looked at her to realize she existed - and possibly realize she was gay.

    Introducing: The Lesburka.This is not merely Mary's dilemma. This is the dilemma of millions of open lesbians across America: how to utterly conceal their existence from view. The solution must be simple, yet effective. It must wall all lesbians up in utter darkness, away from all sight. Like a closet, if you will.

    Fortunately, associates of the Medium Lobster have already prepared such a solution in a comfortable, full-body garment able to easily bury any trace of a lesbian's sexuality beneath yards of cloth. They call it the Lesburka, and the Medium Lobster is confident that its use on Mary Cheney and lesbians across the country will restore the pride of Dick and Lynne in a heartbeat.

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    posted by the Medium Lobster at 8:19 PM

    Giblets/Giblets '04: They Promise To Destroy You.Voting? Ha! Giblets cares not for voting one way or another! Go into your little booth! Punch your little chads! Walk away thinking "Oh I have done my civic duty! Oh I am fat and stupid! Oh I smell like a ham!" In the end your precious little vote will be meaningless because Giblets will destroy you.

    On November 3rd Giblets will seize control of the United States the sheer primal force of his Gibletsian will and toss it onto his pile of conquered nations! All who defy Giblets will be rounded up by his mighty Giblobot servants as enemies of Gibletocracy and locked within the Fortress of Insolence, where they will be beaten with rods and scoured with flames and forced to watch other people eat delicious cookies while goin "Boy these are delicious cookies! Do you have any delicious ice cream to go with these delicious cookies? Why I think these are the most delicious cookies ever!"

    Old rivals of Giblets's will be punished and tormented in a cruel and ironic manner! George W. Bush will be sentenced to a lifetime of cleaning out stables of corpulent war-hippos at Giblets's rustic Texas ranch! John Kerry will be forced to maintain international relations throughout Giblets's grand coalition by serving as a UN bicycle messenger boy! Ralph Nader will be allowed to roam free, where his constant assertions that Giblets is no worse than the Democratic Party will serve to torture Giblets's few remaining enemies even more!

    As for you, the voter? You will be forced to bow. To bow before Giblets. Those who do not bow will be destroyed - crushed under tons of war-hippo dung!

    But all this can be avoided. Avoided by voting for Giblets.

    Those who vote for Giblets will be rewarded in the new Gibletsian order! For although you will be enslaved along with your fellow citizens you will be rewarded mightily by demonstrating your allegiance to Giblets! Rewarded with a special position as a Slave-Plus. You will get easy work in Giblets's palaces: dancing for Giblets, bowing for Giblets, putting on puppet shows for Giblets! Think of how good you will have it! All of your friends will look at you and go "Now there's an up-and-comer! No salt mines for him!"

    And you will live in luxurious, opulent non-torment the rest of your days. Until you anger Giblets.

    And then Giblets will destroy you.

    Labels:

    posted by Giblets at 6:14 PM

    The bias of the mainstream media has become a palpable, poisonous thing of late. Unabashedly opinionated, today's journalists and pundits wear their prejudices on their sleeves, denouncing any idea that conflicts with their own as "unamerican." In this toxic atmosphere, dissent is crushed, activism stifled, and beliefs out of sync with "the norm" are derided as radical and even treasonous. In this foul environment, is it any wonder that anti-voting activism has been almost universally smeared as "voter fraud"?

    The silent, moral majority of Americans have come down again and again on the side of the non-voter, and yet they are derided repeatedly as "apathetic," as "cynical," as "grossly uninformed and uninterested," as "fat-assed lazy bastards who refuse to give a fuck." No one is speaking for this majority but the anti-voter activist, courageously defying centuries of hidebound federal law to take a stand against the practice of voting.

    With every voter registration card they shred, with every eligible voter they strike from the rolls, these patriots are taking a stand - not only against voting, not only against change, but against the very possibility of voting, against participation in a process that might somehow allow for change. They recognize, like most voting and non-voting Americans do, that the best course is to stay the course: to allow 96% of Congress to win re-election in a walk, to keep the same leaders they've been pissed at for years, een decades.

    Indeed, not only is anti-voter activism a valid political stance, it is, in these troubled times, the correct one. In the Global War Against Islamism, the United States cannot waver in its dedicatio to a unilateral, state-based approach to fighting asymmetrical, non-state threats. And yet, the opportunity to vote for John Kerry could open that terrifying Pandora's box. For a John Kerry presidency would most certainly result in the defeat and destruction of Freedom as we know it.

    While the right to vote is sacred, it would turn to ask in the fires of Muslinazism. Voter fraud valiantly protects Americans from this possibility by removing that right in order to safeguard it.

    Once before, the Medium Lobster addressed this issue, specifically with regards to the possibility of postponing the election to prevent a Demacratoterrorist victory. Alas, the Bush Administration, cowed by the lobbying powerhouse that is Big Voter, moved nowhere on this pressing issue. It is up to patriotic citizens like Voters Outreach of America to take matters into their own hands. Save Freedom. Save Torpidity. Stop the Vote.

    Labels:

    posted by the Medium Lobster at 6:07 PM

    So lately I've been hearin a lotta people goin "Oh Fafnir what is the point a votin? My vote will not matter, blah blah blah. I am small an weak an easily devoured by predators, blah blah blah. Perhaps I should just shred my own voter registration card or perhaps vote for Ralph Nader."

    An I go Shut up people! You stop bein small an weak an listen to why you should vote! "Oh no we are afraid of the enraged Fafnir" you say cause you're so small an weak. That's better! Now of course your vote counts!* So listen up cause today we're gonna FAF THE VOTE! with some neat little bipartisan arguments for getti out there an votin!

    The Argument From Coolness
    The Chief Justice Does the Dew.Voting is cool! In fact it is so cool that you should want to be more cool by voting as well!

    Many voters are cool. Look at Chief Justice William Rehnquist of the Supreme Court! He's really cool an he votes all the time! In fact last election his vote counted extra! He's just that cool!

    The Argument From Celebrity Endorsement

    He knows voting.TV's Jeff Probst
    "Hi, I'm TV's Jeff Probst! You may know from NBC's 'Survivor' how important voting can be! If we don't vote, none of us will be 'Survivors' - of democracy! Now eat this bucket of worms, you're on TV!"

    Intriguing and enlightening Mr. Probst! I hope all of us out there learned an important lesson today.

    He sees you when you're sleepingSanta
    "Ho ho ho! Voting is your civic duty, boys and girls! You can make a difference, as long as you live in a swing state and don't throw away your vote on a third party! Ho ho ho!"

    Santa you terrify me and I will obey your every command!

    Brought to you by Pepsi.Britney Spears
    "Drink Pepsi!"

    Why that is a persuasive and convincin argument there Ms. Spears! I feel like a cold cool refreshin Pepsi right now in fact.

    The Argument From Fear
    This argument breaks down into three subarguments. Please pay attention accordingly.

    For Old People:
    "Bah, I'm old, I don't care about people get me my ointment!" say the old people. But you should care old people because the next president could Destroy Social Security! "Oh no!" say the old people. That's right you are terrified because you are so old an frail an you need your Social Security to survive but what if the next president is an evil president who's all "blah blah screw social security" where will you be then, old people? You will be poor an lonely an cold with no one to talk to, that is where.

    For Young People
    The next president could draft you! Draft you into a horrible meaningless war in a horrible meaningless hellhole like Whorecrapistan, a country made entirely of land mines an poison an constantly erupting volcanoes occupied by feuding warlords, fundamentalist religious groups an strongly nationalistic guerillas who see the US intervention as a ploy to exploit their rich supply of magma. Vote, young people, or that could be you!

    For Everyone Else
    You could be eaten. By bears. By giant ferocious bears. What if the next president turns out to be a man-eatin bear in a clever plastic disguise an you're all "Hello Mr President" an he's all "Why hell there citizen I RAAAARRR" an then eats you cause he's a giant man-eatin bear? Man you'd feel stupid then, not havin voted against the man-eatin bear! Vote vote vote!

    The Ontological Argument
    "Now we believe that [the Lord] is something than which nothing greater can be imagined... And certainly that than which a greater cannot be imagined cannot be in the understanding alone. For if it is at least in the understanding alone, it can be imagined to be in reality too, which is greater... Therefore if that than which a greater cannot be imagined is in the understanding alone, that very thing than which a greater cannot be imagined is something than which a greater can be imagined. But certainly this cannot be... There exists, therefore, beyond doubt something than which a greater cannot be imagined, both in the understanding and in reality."
    -St. Anselm

    Wrong, St. Anselm! By that argument there must exist a pie such that no greater pie can be imagined, which therefore must exist. Stupid St. Anselm! Mmmm... Godpie.

    *except maybe in Alabama, Alaska, Arkansas, California, Connecticut, Delaware, DC, Idaho, Illinois, Indiana, Kentucky, Maryland, Massachusetts, Montana, Nebraska, New York, North Carolina, Oklahoma, South Carolina, North Dakota, South Dakota, Rhode Island, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, or Wyoming

    Labels:

    posted by fafnir at 4:38 PM

    Well between some unexpected voter fraud in Arizona an Nevada this week an the Republican National Committe gettin steamed at Rock The Vote there's been a lotta talk about voting an not-voting an "extra special voting" lately. Is voting good? Is voting bad? Does your voting matter? When you shred somebody else's voter registration card do you make Uncle Sam cry or do you just make Big Daddy Partisan Tricks happy? Tricky questions!

    We're gonna take a look at these issues today with another edition of Point, Counterpoint, Counter-Counterpoint. I'll go first cause I have the most Buddha-nature. The Medium Lobster will go second cause he has the second most Buddha-nature. Giblets will go last cause he met the Buddha on the road an ate him.

    Pay strict attention: this is educational an for the benefit of democracy!

    Labels:

    posted by fafnir at 4:36 PM
    Thursday, October 14, 2004

    Well last night was the Third Presidential Debate an therefore the last most important thing that will happen ever for the rest of time.* This means things will be borin from now on cause there won't be Big Important Events in the presidential campaign.

    "Oh no!" says you. "That means there will be nothin but years' worth of issues and records to look at to help me decide who to vote for! What do I do!"

    Don't worry Undecided Voter there are plenty of meaningless but fun things that will come up in the meantime to help you cast your vote! Even as we speak political operatives are helpfully choppin every bit of substance out of last night's debate an packaging it into convenient soundbite form! These soundbites will then be taken even further out of context by rival spinners and talking heads until they are told an retold, like the great epics of oral tradition, or a game of Telephone! That's why you might hear Chris Matthews say "John Kerry voted to bust spending caps 277 times radish pinky octopus."

    Here is a preview of Reasons To Vote just to get you started!

    REASONS TO VOTE FOR GEORGE BUSH!
  • John Kerry called Osama bin Laden a hooker! It's true, it was in the New York Times even! An how can you be commander-in-chief when you degrade our allies by callin Osama bin Laden a hooker? President Bush isn't gonna stand for that. He's gonna hunt down that hooker, smoke her out, an pay her for sex.
  • John Kerry called Dick Cheney's daughter gay! Which makes him a very bad man! Yes she actually is openly gay and even has worked to recruit gay voters for her father's campaign. But we don't like to talk about the gay. The gay makes us feel all icky an gross an funny. Go away with your gay you bad bad man!
  • John Kerry's health care plan is an expensive government takeover! John Kerry's plan would cost ten squillion dollars per person and calls for secret government health mandroids to be stationed in every doctor's office in America, where they will forcibly inject you with drugs. Government drugs. Not only that but each of these secret government mandroids would be made of solid gold. Why? Because the government is bloated, inefficient, and greedy. Not like the insurance or pharmaceutical industries!

    REASONS TO VOTE FOR JOHN KERRY
  • George Bush is told what to say through a "wire" implanted on his back! It's true! Still-reputable Salon has quoted a technical expert who says that a mysterious bulge on the president's back couldn't be anything else but a hidden transmitter implanted in his spine through which some evil mastermind - most likely the nefarious Karl Rove - controls the leader of the free world with an RC car remote! Also, yknow that blocky-lookin thing on Mars? It's really a giant monkey head!
  • George Bush doesn't care about Osama bin Laden! I don't think anybody's gonna really make a big deal about this. It doesn't really sound as important as yknow the gay thing.

    So don't worry, undecided voter! There's lotsa important things out there that we'll get to talk about in the next coupla weeks! With any luck we won't have to talk about borin ol stupid ol "issues" at all!

    *unless any more important campaign ads are released that demand the attention of the Fafblog News Team! Like one that says that John Kerry is a liberal or that John Kerry is a terrorist or that John Kerry is gay. Or MAYBE one that says John Kerry is a gay liberal terrorist! "Hi my name is John Kerry an I am having gay sex with Osama bin Laden while planning to raise taxes on your aborted fetuses an I approve this message." That would really give me insight into who I should vote for.
  • posted by fafnir at 5:55 PM

    You have seen Giblets angry. And you have seen Giblets cranky. And you have seen Giblets wrathful. And you have seen Giblets hungry. Like when he's ordered a pizza and it hasn't shown up or somesuch.

    But now you will see Giblets furious. For John Kerry has pulled a cheap and tawdry political trick. He has brought up the fact that Dick Cheney has an openly gay daughter.

    And when John Kerry did that, he got personal. And he did it for filthy, personal, political reasons. How much more personal can you get than by dragging someone's sexuality into the political arena to score a couple cheap political points? And how much more political can you get to use minority status to divide a country? And how much cheaper can you get than to write off a minority of Americans, to hack away at their Fourteenth Amendment rights, just to appeal to your political base? And how much more extreme can you get than to enshrine that political base's prejudices in the United States Constitution?

    "Wait a second are we still talkin bout John Kerry?" says Fafnir.

    Yes of course we're still talkin bout John Kerry! The horrible John Kerry who get personal in last night's debate. Who got personal about the issue of denying rights to Americans based on their sexuality.

    What John Kerry did to Dick Cheney's daughter last night was cheap and tawdry. Almost as cheap and as tawdry as when her parents used her to elect the man who wants to make her a second-class citizen.

    But Giblets likes 'em anyway 'cause they say they're better at killin' Arabs.
    posted by Giblets at 2:31 PM

    Fafblog has been down an out for a couple days but we are back with delayed DEBATE BLOGGING! Like normal I speak in straight-forward normal type an Giblets speaks in the sinister voice of slanty-speak.

    Will we ever be as safe an secure as we did when Bob Schieffer grew up, Giblets, under the threat of instant nuclear annihilation?

    It's hard to say, Fafnir. But one thing is certain: Freedom is on the march. At home and in Iraq and in Afghanistan - now in well-armed warlord form!

    Freedom also GROWS in Afghanistan! Those aren't just poppies, Giblets. They are poppies of democracy. Bloom on, sweet opiates of liberty! Bloom on!

    Compassion is on the march too as George Bush is pointing out. We now have "armies of compassion." This isn't your wimpy, pussy compassion, Fafnir. This is compassion with guns. This is a KILLIN' compassion!

    But which is stronger Giblets? Compassion or freedom?

    Freedom could totally smoke compassion in a fight. Better armed, more superior firepower, and just a whole lot nastier an stronger. I hear compassion lost over a thousand troops in Abu Ghraib alone.

    George Bush asks us to get the flu for the good of the country, just like he will. Good for you George Bush! I'm gonna start lickin strange surfaces right away!

    He also points out that John Kerry's health care plan will require thousands of government cyborgs to be stationed in your homes to inject you with penicillin every day. Well what if I don't LIKE forced penicillin injections, John Kerry?

    That's a very good point Giblets. Now John Kerry keeps talkin about "pay as you go." An George Bush keeps talkin about "Paygo." What is Paygo, Giblets?

    I believe that Paygo is the Filipino god of fire, retribution an tax hikes who is predicted in the ancient tomes to return to afflict the earth with plagues of frogs, deadly flames, and big government regulation. Bow before his blood-drenched Satanic Majesty!

    It's interesting to see John Kerry make a play for the pagan idolatry vote like this Giblets. Will it pay off?

    It was probably a bad move on Kerry's part, Fafnir. But he did make a strong appeal to soul-crushing liberals who want the government to take over all aspects of life through health care tax credits, an that could help him in Michigan.

    Well you have to remember Giblets that John Kerry is the most liberal senator from liberal Massachusetts an he is even more liberal than Senator Liberal P. McLiberal which is so so liberal!

    I think a lot of Americans will look at John Kerry's record after this debate and say "Man - a liberal! He voted three thousand twenty-two times to support the 'I Love Being A Liberal!' Resolution! I can't vote for him!"

    Wow it must suck to be the president. George Bush wanted so hard to get that assault weapon ban renewed but he was just completely powerless to do anything about it.

    Yes, Fafnir. Completely powerless before the titans of Congress. Which is controlled by the Libertarian Party right now, I believe.

    There has been so much division in America over the last few years. How did that happen? I mean the president passed No Child Left Behind with his good friend Ted Kennedy an now he is bein opposed by horrible liberally liberals like Ted Kennedy.

    Sounds like those bastard Libertarians again, Fafnir.

    Now it's time for the God Round! Does God hate John Kerry cause he's in favor a killin babies? How much does God hate John Kerry? Is votin for John Kerry a mortal sin, or just a venal sin? Or to put it in a positive light: Does John Kerry feel confident about winnin the Atheists and Heathens vote?

    Kerry disappointed on that one. He really needs to talk comfortably about his faith more. Like George Bush does when he says "Being gay is a choice between Americans, their God, and the holy fire that consumes their cities."

    But notice how the president was very compassionate on that one, talkin bout how gay people have the freedom to be gay. They just don't have equal protection under the law as a result of that freedom.

    But Kerry's not gettin all the tough questions here! How will he handle Schieffer's hard-hittin "If God was a tree what kinda tree would he be" question?

    Giblets thinks he knows the answer to that one. Freedom on the march? Army of compassion? God would be a tree with guns, man. With great big guns.

    Wow the hard questions just keep comin! Do President Bush an John Kerry love their wives Giblets? I was really wonderin about this one.

    Gotta give this one to Bush, Fafnir. I mean, sure, both men love their wives and their families. But didn't Kerry divorce his old wife? Isn't that a flip-flop? And Giblets got a little "...and she's a real bitch" vibe right after the "strong women" crap.

    That's very true, Giblets. An you can't pick a president without thoroughly evaluating his relationship with his wife.

    John Kerry says he'll kill the terrorists, kill the terrorists, kill the terrorists. Well, talk's cheap, Kerry! You gotta pop one yourself before the initiation is complete!

    President Bush has a picture on his wall. A picture of Optimism. Do you believe in Optimism? Because Optimism means votin for President Bush. If you vote for him he will show you what Optimism looks like.

    I hear it looks like a sunrise. An underemployed, undereducated sunrise lacking many essential constitutional protections. But a sunrise nonetheless.

    An that concludes the Presidential Debates! Have you decided who to vote for based on them, undecided voters? If so then may God have mercy on our souls.
    posted by fafnir at 1:35 AM
    Wednesday, October 13, 2004

    "Is Roe v Wade our Dred Scott?" says me. "Have we enslaved the fetus?"
    "Nonsense!" says Giblets. "Giblets pays his fetuses decent pay for decent work."
    "But Giblets those fetuses can't really live off what you pay them," says me. "Some a them have to work two or three jobs just to feed their families."
    "Giblets gives his fetuses plenty of perks!" says Giblets. "They get half hour lunch breaks and Fetus Appreciation Days and complimentary paper clips and mugs with amusing slogans like You Don't Have To Be Crazy To Be Unborn Here But It Helps."
    "But those are all part-time or temporary fetuses," says me. "You aren't givin em health or disability benefits. Where is the culture of life? Where is the culture of livin wage?"
    "You can't force Giblets to raise the cost of fetus labor!" says Giblets. "That is a violation of the sacred constitutional right to free enterprise! Keep your laws off Giblets's business!"
    "But you must respect the rights of the fetuses you employ," says me. "For he who would be no slave must be content to have no slave."
    "Indeed," says Abraham Lincoln.
    "Aaaah! Zombie Lincoln!" says us an we pump im fulla lead.
    "Do you think the dead will ever be given the full rights of the living, Giblets?" says me after we finish burning Zombie Lincoln.
    "Man I hope not," says Giblets. "How could we keep using them, then?"
    posted by fafnir at 4:54 PM

    Giblets is sittin in the pumpkin patch waitin for Osama bin Laden. Sigh. He does this every year.

    "Giblets you will catch cold," says me. "Osama isn't comin this year."
    "Yes he will yes he will!" says Giblets. "Every election Osama bin Laden flies around the world to visit the least sincere pumpkin patch and its political campaign and he'll visit Giblets's this time!"
    "Giblets you also said he'd come in 2000 with pictures of George Bush's secret gay lover and in 1992 with Bill Clinton's illegitimate baby," says me.
    "This time he really will come," says Giblets. "This time Giblets has the least sincere pumpkin patch ever! It puts politics ahead of national security even while claiming to be a national security pumpkin patch! It even fights the Iraq War by the election schedule! Osama has to come, he just has to!"
    "I think you're bein very silly," says me. "An I'm gonna go inside an get some cocoa."
    "Giblets is gonna wait all election night if he has to!" says Giblets. "You'll come, Osama bin Laden! You just have to!"
    posted by fafnir at 9:19 AM
    Sunday, October 10, 2004

    A tranquil day in Ohio.So today I'm supposed to be in the swing state of Ohio reportin from the swing state of Ohio observin all its swing state dynamics an of course cause a Reporter Authenticity an other big important stuff actually coverin this story from the actual swing state of Ohio only I couldn't do that today on accounta there's a real big dog outside tryin to eat me.

    Ohio Governor Bob Taft probably."Do you think John Kerry's debate performance has helped him in Ohio dog?" says me to the dog through the screen door. The dog goes "HRARL HRARL HRARL" fulla huge horrible angry Fafnir-eatin slobber an I run an hide in the couch. There is so much anger in the dog. Divided partisan anger like in the swing state of Ohio.

    A typical state fair in Ohio.I wasn't plannin on interviewin the dog today but I had to yell for the dog to chase away the cat that woulda run off with me an I had to lure the cat to scare off the birds who mighta used me to fashion a nest for their young. This is pretty much what happened in Borneo back in the fifties. An in a sense it is what is happenin to Ohio. Who let the dogs out, Ohio? The dogs of division an electoral politics an farm subsidies? An will those undecided dogs lean closer to a Bush vote or a Kerry vote? I am sure I could answer all those questions an more if there wasn't a huge dog standin on my porch.

    "Can George Bush win without Ohio this year dog?" says me. "HRARL HRARL HRARL" it goes again. There's also a lotta teeth an fleas in the dog. Teeth an fleas like in the swing state of Ohio. The first candidate to calm down this dog will probably not affect the election much one way or another. But I'll give him like ten bucks.
    posted by fafnir at 6:54 PM
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