Tuesday, January 25, 2005

There's been some noise about the Pentagon's use of covert ops teams of late - specifically, of the Defense Department's decision to place these covert teams under its own authority rather than the CIA's in order to skirt Congressional oversight. The Medium Lobster doesn't see what's so outrageous about this. This is merely a natural extension of America's foreign policy: the United States will defend itself and the principles of Freedom no matter how many allies and branches of government get in its way.

There are times when America needs to defend itself, and it cannot wait for the doddering approval of our vaunted "allies": the United Nations, Europe, the CIA, Congress. In times like these, when facing down an imminent threat to Freedom - or a grave and gathering threat, or a distant and someday possible threat, or threat-related program activities - it is imperative that the United States be able to go to war to defend itself without waiting for the sanction of bureaucrats in our own legislative branch.

In creating these covert teams, America now has the capacity to defend itself without seeking the oversight of Congress or the CIA. Finally, America will no longer have to rely on cumbersome "alliances" between multiple branches of government. Instead, America can now defend itself with a lean, strong coalition of the willing between the White House and the Pentagon.

Oh, some may deride this as reckless unilateralism, as cowboy diplomacy. Some will say that this will put a greater strain on America's relationship with Congress and the CIA. Would this really be so terrible? Whenever America has gone to war in the past, resistence has always come from Congress. Whenever America desperately needed to be elected to a second term, it was the CIA which leaked damaging information to the press. With friends like these, who needs enemies? Let them join France and the State Department in diplomatic purgatory.

The one question remaining is this: is America ready and willing to go to war on its own, to defend itself by itself if the military deserts it? As we've seen with Poland and Spain, even the most stalwart of allies cannot be trusted to remain in the fight forever, and as the shameful refusal of some troops to return to Iraq makes clear, even the military can't be relied upon indefnitely. The White House must prepare for the contingency - no, the eventuality - that its bold cause will be betrayed once again. In that case, America must carry on the fight with the only men with the nerve to defend this great nation: George Bush, Dick Cheney, and their staff. The Medium Lobster recommends they be suited up and shipped out at once.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 9:58 PM

Hillary Clinton is reaching out to pro-life voters by softening her rhetoric on abortion, and the Medium Lobster can only applaud her ingenuity and sharp-witted political calculation. Indeed, if there's any constituency that stands to warm to Senator Clinton, it has to be single issue pro-life conservatives, who are finally ready to embrace the senator after over a decade of believing her to be a radical Communist demon queen who murdered Vince Foster in cold blood to prevent him from telling the truth about her secret coven of lesbian witches. With their Hillary-hatred nearly exhausted, social conservatives are now a fertile new demographic waiting for exploration! But how long will it take for the rest of the Democratic Party to figure it out? If Barbara Boxer starts denouncing the menace of illegal immigration and Ted Kennedy promises to clamp down on the gay agenda, it could save this party yet!
posted by the Medium Lobster at 3:28 PM

The argument gets outta hand and honor is besmirched!

"Honor is besmirched!" says Giblets throwin down the gauntlet. "Giblets demands satisfaction! Upon the morrow, pistols and rapiers, swords and fisticuffs!"
"Very well sir!" says me throwin down the other gauntlet. "I shall see you at dawn! Bring your second!"
"Giblets shall see your second and raise you a third!" says Giblets. "And a fourth as well! Giblets is far too mighty and illustrious to do honorable battle with mere thirds!"
"Well I'm not gonna even bother with a third an a fourth!" says me. "I'm gonna skip right to my fifth, sixth, an seventh, so there!"
"Foolsies!" says Giblets. "You can’t have nonsequential seconds! I call foolsies!"
"Those foolsies were unwarranted!" says me. "They have further besmirched honor an for that I'm demandin an eighth an a ninth, too!"
"Fine!" says Giblets. "Giblets will meet your ninth with a fifteenth, a sixteenth, a seventeenth, and a battalion of goblins and wargs!"
"An I'll see your battalion with my platoon of Martians an were-hippos!" says me.
"Well alright then!" says Giblets.
"Well fine!" says me.

Next day we both oversleep an miss the start a the duel. Everybody's outside duelin without us.

"Man wouldya look at that," says me.
"Pretty violent," says Giblets.
"Yeah I'd hate to be out there," says me. "Nice wargs though."
"Thanks," says Giblets. “Those were-hippos are pretty cool too."

We spend the rest a the day drinkin cocoa an watchin cartoons.

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posted by fafnir at 1:07 PM
Sunday, January 23, 2005

The National PieToday is National Pie Day! It is a day of celebration. Let us come together in honor of the National Pie.

Over the years there have been many pie cultures and subcultures that have tried to claim the national pie for their own - apple pie, pumpkin pie, chocolate pie, lemon merangue pie, carrot and muskox pie. Is any one of these pies more National or American or Our Pie than the other pies? Yes, the beef and corn pie but we pretend that isn't true cause everybody hates the beef an corn pie.

But we must remember that the National Pie belongs to all of us regardless of flavor or filling. This pie is your pie, this pie is my pie. Slice it up, pass it out, an recycle the plate when there's nothin left.

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posted by fafnir at 1:34 PM
Saturday, January 22, 2005

So the other day Giblets said a buncha stuff about "spreading freedom" and "liberty" and "opposing tyranny." Well it looks like some crazy people seem to have completely misinterpreted Giblets to mean he's gonna start spreading freedom and liberty and opposing tyranny. Oh man that is a good one, ha ha hear Giblets laugh! Giblets means he is spreading Freedom™, a new delicious dessert topping in three tasty flavors (Chocolate, Strawberry, and Democratastic!) Freedom™ should be shipping to frozen food sections and ice cream stands all over the world in time for summer! Freedom, on the other hand, Giblets promises to no one.

*available in participating locations, offer void where prohibited
posted by Giblets at 1:46 PM
Thursday, January 20, 2005

My fellow Gibletsians! On this day in history! Now is not a time!

Today Giblets is re-coronated Lord High Emperor Giblets of Everything. Long live me! But also: long live Freedom. It is delicious and to my liking and soon Giblets will spread it throughout the world!

Can you doubt the freedom-spreadery of Giblets? Giblets has decreed Iraq to be free and now it is! Oh sure, not in the petty "liberal democracy with equal protection under the law" sense. But in the "infested with terrorists" sense it's as free as they come! Once Iraqis were tortured and killed by an evil dictator. Now they are tortured and killed by freedom! Their genitals are shocked with the electrodes of liberty. They are mowed down by the machine guns of independence!

We are not our fathers, or our fathers' fathers! These truths are self-evident! We the people!

There are good countries and there are bad countries. Good countries are free, like Pakistan and Russia and Afghanistan! Bad countries hate freedom and want to destroy it. Giblets is for turning anti-freedom countries into powerful new Freeocracies bursting with color and vitamins! Stand with Giblets and freedom shall annihilate its enemies!

Freedom is like a woman, or a well-aged cheese, or a monkey. It is available for tasting and purchasing in the lobby refreshment center. There will always be an England!

Freedom is on the march, and it is heavily armed. You cannot stop freedom! It has conquered many lands and grown drunk on the blood of those who oppose it! It will crush its enemies, see it driven before them, and hear the lamentations of the women! With Giblets to lead it, freedom will sweep over the world - no, the UNIVERSE!

Ass, gas, or grass! Three for $3.99! God bless America!
posted by Giblets at 10:26 PM

So me an George been sittin on the Ferris Wheel of Freedom for a couple days or so when I get to thinkin maybe somethin's wrong.

"Is the ride supposed to be movin?" says me.
"This is a great ride," says George. "This ride is a monument to the spirit an principles a Freeocracy."
"It's just that's it's not," says me.
"You gotta be patient with the ride," says George. "Rides don't work overnight."
"An there's all these fire trucks an rescue helicopters an people yellin 'get off the ride'," says me.
"There's always gonna be doubters an skeptics," says George. "People who hate the ride because of its freedom."
"An when we got on the Roller Coaster of Liberty it broke down too," says me.
"That's a great ride, a great ride," says George. "I know it cause I rode on it. I got instincts, see."
"In fact it looked exactly like the Ferris Wheel of Freedom," says me.
"You bought your ticket," says George. "You bought your ticket so you liked it. You know you liked the ride."
After a while I wave to one a the helicopters. George looks mad. "How you gonna ride the ride if you're tryin to get OFF the ride?" he says. I am ashamed!
"Is the ride supposed to be on fire?" says me.
"God bless this great carnival attraction," says George.
posted by fafnir at 2:17 PM

Giblets is back! Back for REVENGE!

ENEMIES! Giblets dispatches them all with fast-flying fists and witty one-liners in a knock-down drag-out fight in a bar in a jungle on the moon where everything EXPLODES!

THE SUN! Giblets thinks it's too hot today so he flies out to the sun in his spaceship and pops it one and it EXPLODES!

BIG CARS! Giblets drives a truck real fast and some other guy Giblets doesn't know that well drives another truck real fast and they crash into buildings and cars and a traveling circus of man-eating sharks and everything EXPLODES!

We take a break from the revenge for some ice cream. "Pretty good ice cream," says Fafnir. Eh. It's okay. But Giblets has had a lot better ice cream.

THE LIBRARY! Giblets returns his books within the grace period alotted by library policy but is forced to pay a fee anyway and informs the librarian in a quiet even voice that the library will no longer be receiving his patronage and it EXPLODES!

Giblets goes on to slay titans and kill giants and wrestle the King of the Ape-Men! Huzzah!

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posted by Giblets at 11:28 AM
Saturday, January 15, 2005

WHO KILLED GIBLETS?!? It is a mystery... a MURDER mystery! "Mysteries are insolent!" says Giblets. "Giblets demands vengeance!" And now we must solve its horrible mysteriousness before it can confuse us again!

Is it the Colonel with his elephant gun an his gin an his memories of the big war? "Well, hrrraa, I never!" says the Colonel. "Man of my reputation! Fought in the thingwot! Hrruffrruruufffuruff! Queen was twenty feet tall, breasts like sausages, bore me a litter of eighty-two! Ambassador to the sponge people for sixty years, hmmmm, indeed!" "I don't think he did it, but Giblets demands vengeance on him anyway," says Giblets.

Is it the leprechauns with their tiny feet an shifty eyes? "Faith 'n begorah, but we loved the wee lad, quick wi' a drink 'n a laugh!" says the leprechauns. "But oh, he came so close to our pot o' gold!" "Don't trust em!" says Giblets. "They'll sic their purple horseshoes an green clovers on you!"

Is it the rhinoceros with its aphrodisiac horn and herbivorous browsing? "While a solitary creature and rarely aggressive on its own, the white rhinoceros can be dangerous if provoked, with large horns and a weight of over 2000 kilograms," says the rhinoceros expert. "Do not startle the rhinoceros, invade its territory, feed it liquor and cigars, or eat its young." "Stupid rhinoceros," says Giblets. "Why do we have a rhinoceros anyway?" "So the alligator has somebody to play with," says me.

Is it the murderer? "I have an alibi, but I've momentarily forgotten it," says the murderer. "Could you dispose of this weapon for me? I really have to catch a plane." "Eh, seems okay," says Giblets. "He left us this box of delicious muffins!" says me. "Ooo... poison-flavored!" says Giblets.

Who could it be??!! The shocking answers when we return in a couple days!

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posted by fafnir at 6:13 PM

George Bush is gearing up to reactivate his campaign machine for the sole purpose of pushing his Social Security privatization plan, a plan so critical to our nation's future, so vital to our society's well-being, that it cannot be revealed to anyone. And yet the president faces obstacles: the usual doubters and skeptics have appeared as if on cue, demanding petty, legalistic details such as what the plan is, how many trillions it will cost, and whose retirement it will bankrupt.

What these doubting Thomases fail to understand - and in fact, will never understand - is that privatization cannot be explained: it must be experienced, and that experience is not some cold, soulless experience of "hard evidence," but of something deeper: an experience of faith.

Such is the power and mystery of Bush's plan that it can only work for those individuals who personally believe in it, for those whose trust in privatization establishes a personal relationship with it. For by stock portfolios are ye saved, through faith alone, not through sound policy, lest any economic adviser should boast.

The Medium Lobster would not expect the doubters to understand. They worship at a false altar of rationalism, reducing presidential agendas from sacred mysteries to mundane and testable hypotheses. They require actual information about a multi-trillion-dollar social program before they're willing to put their trust in it - and that is why they fail.

The vast gulf between the world of Bush and the world of man cannot be bridged by science; it can only be bridged by faith - faith in George Bush and his plan, without which there is no entry into the Ownership Society. Have you accepted privatization as your personal lord and savior? Are you willing to make that commitment today?
posted by the Medium Lobster at 1:24 PM

Soooo deliciousA year ago I took a nickel from the "give a penny take a penny" jar at Dunkin Donuts an even though I put a disclaimer on Fafblog tellin people I was gettin money from Dunkin Donuts I did not tell them HOW much money I got from them. I am very sorry. Now there is no way to tell if everythin we wrote over the last year was part of an organized campaign to convince you of the deliciousness of Dunkin Donut donuts.

The smooth creamy chocolatey deliciousness of Dunkin Donut donuts. Mmm, mmm, good.
posted by fafnir at 5:47 AM
Friday, January 14, 2005

Now that everything's used up, everything pretty much repeats itself only louder an with more explosions. I get the same mail today I got yesterday only the mailbox is attacked by a team of international jewel thieves posing as Muslim extremists. The same ragtag team of rough-edged mercenarcies show up in the nick a time to kill the bad guys and deliver my packages.

The love interests keep changing an gettin bigger an better every day, gettin more muscles an bigger breasts an bigger muscles an more breasts, but their dialogue gets worse an the adult situations become more forced. Random naked people start showin up in the salad bar.

The villain arrives who is either a terrorist or a cyborg or a pirate or a terrorist cyborg pirate an he falls off a building an gets eaten by elephants an explodes for us to end the day. Then everything blows up an we go home.

Strange elflike little people fix everythin in the middle of the night. The next day everything is clean an new an ready to be destroyed again in the very same way. We brush our teeth, walk past the ninjas an get ready for another stupid ol day.

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posted by fafnir at 11:47 AM
Wednesday, January 12, 2005

It looks like the Pentagon may not be training death squads after all. Well, there's one thing we've learned from all this: Donald Ryumsfeld is a pussy, a weak-kneed liberal appeaser of Islamists. Giblets stuck by death squads when they were hot and now he's sticking by them now that they're not, just like his buddies at the National Review. Bring on the militias of crazed nun-rapers!
posted by Giblets at 9:54 PM

Scientists discover that the world is made of candy! There is a huge celebration because hunger is over forever. People everywhere rush outside an eat trees an grass an birds an cars an streetlights an bits of masonry. Some people say that some things taste better than others, the way dogs taste better than concrete. Other people say this is crazy and that it's all the same flavor with different colors, like a bag of skittles. The first people believe the second people to be impugning the good name of skittles and eat them and find out that people are the most delicious candy of all!

Stuff is eaten in mass quantities. There is a worldwide run on stuff, and countries with more stuff, like mountains and forests and people, start getting invaded by countries with less stuff, like deserts and plateaus. Casualties are enormous but cannot be counted because the bodies don't stay long enough.

Scientists get back on TV to say something else but it is unclear what because televisions have been eaten. Massive food riots break out across the country as morbidly obese people fight for the last few scraps of each other.

Me an Giblets watch it all from our delicious chocolatey bunker. "Maybe we shouldn't eat the furniture so fast," says me to Giblets while he swallows a piece a table leg. "We should ration it out carefully to preserve the candy supply."
"Nonsense!" says Giblets. "We will never run out of the candy supply!"
"Well after the furniture we just have the bunker," says me. "An after the bunker there's just us."
"And eating each other would be crazy," says Giblets.
"Yes," says me. "Crazy."
We stare off into the distance and try not to think about lunch.

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posted by fafnir at 8:03 PM

SUCCESS! On behalf of the entire "Mainstream Media," Howard Fineman has surrendered to Blogonia, and Giblets, its cruel and unyielding Blogarch, accepts! Giblets basks in the heady glow of assured relevance! He guzzles the sweet nectar of unparalleled dominance! Truly blogs are truly the ascendent masters of media discourse! Why, Instapundit alone has almost as many readers as the viewership of CNBC's Kudlow and Cramer!

Andrew Sullivan*, standing atop the mountain only Blogtopians could conquer, wonders if bloggers have misused their immense and newfound powers. Giblets says nay - his power flows unheeded by any "old media" notions of "morality" or "restraint"! Let Giblets's new Decrees Over All Media commence!

DECREE THE FIRST! All news is now NET-news! All reporting is now E-reporting! The New York Times will spend 90% of its content bickering with the Washington Post in an increasingly abstract yet personal argument regarding the feasibility of anarcho-capitalism in the works of A. A. Milne! The CBS Evening News will be replaced by one man persistently correcting the Washington Post's spelling and grammar for thirty minutes! The Wall Street Journal will consist entirely of excerpts of the New York Times and the Washington Post followed by a single "Indeed"!

DECREE THE SECOND! Death to Brian Williams! Giblets finds his smug self-satisfied delivery and newsman cadence to be intolerable relics of the old and biased Legacy Media Bastille which Giblets has stormed and destroyed with his lightning-quick ether-punditry, and it shall have no place in the New Blog Order!

DECREE THE THIRD! An end to non-Giblets bias in reporting! More Giblets stories! No longer will the "MSM" overlook Giblets and Giblets-related news items! What is Giblets mad at today? What is Giblets eating? Is he wearing purple pants or plaid pants? How great is Giblets, he is so great he is Giblets! You will know, and you will be forced to know, twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week!

Giblets will think up more decrees very soon. In the meantime, bring Giblets his endless array of mansions, hot cars, and bethonged women! The media is dead! Long live the media!

*The other night me and Fafnir were at some steakhouse eatin' steak and Andrew Sullivan showed up like a couple feet away from us. We went "Oh my God that's Andrew Sullivan!" and all the non-bloggers we were with knew EXACTLY who we were talking about. When we left the restaurant we passed a cold starving Peter Jennings on the street wearing a sign that read "WILL READ NEWS FOR FOOD." Victory is ours!

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posted by Giblets at 2:55 PM

So there's gonna be a whole lotta whining and bitching about "oh the Iraq War was a sham" all because the US military gave up looking for weapons of mass destruction. Three weeks ago. Well, that's a whole lotta crap! By invading Iraq the US headed off a grave and gathering threat, like a mushroom cloud made of terrorists! Oh, you hear a lotta talk about "chemical, biological, and nuclear weapons" that never turned up. But does the "Mainstream Media" ever talk about the OTHER weapons of mass destruction that the US has disarmed in Operation Iraqi Freedom? No!

SAND! It is well-known in the "blogosphere" that Saddam was mastering the creation of unstoppable Sand Golems capable of crushing whole cities in monster rampages! Only by siezing control of deadly Iraqi sand could we protect decent Americans from this menace. But the threat of high-sand-content nations isn't over! Giblets hears that Syria may already have a sand processing plant up and running!

ARABS! Saddam had hidden thousands of potentially deadly "dual-use" Arabs that could have been weaponized at any moment! Fortunately the US military has been rounding up and destroying these civilians of mass destruction. But did Saddam hide any of these CMDs to other countries such as Iran and Syria? Giblets says there's only one way to find out!

OIL! Ever tried to drink oil? Oh, it tastes pretty good, but after a while you can get reeeeeaaal sick. So what was Saddam doing with all this black Giblets-sickening stuff in his country anyway!
posted by Giblets at 11:45 AM
Tuesday, January 11, 2005

So I'm paintin on the side of a buildin workin on my epic graffiti mural Mr Mumfrey Makes Toast when a piece a paint falls off an I see a big plastic brick behind it. "Huh, that's funny," says me. "Didn't know they were makin buildins outta plastic."

Next day I'm walkin the dog an I notice I'm not really walkin him as much as draggin him cause he seems all stiff an plasticky, an first I'm all worried about the dog before I figure out it's just he's made a plastic. "That's a neat trick dog," says me. The dog makes the kinda bark plastic makes an I walk him down a plastic sidewalk.

Day after that I'm sittin in the park tryin to eat a pretzel only it is much harder, more rigid, an harder to chew than my usual pretzel when I see a buncha guys movin a tree an replacin it with a clever plastic replacement tree. I run over to stop em an Speak For The Trees only I can't on accounta my mouth's fulla plastic pretzel. The plastic tree guys grab me an throw me in their plastic car an drive off to a big plastic building to face the clever plastic conspiracy that's replacin the world with plastic!

When I get there the clever plastic conspiracy's just sittin there made a plastic. I move em around an speak for em. "Oh Fafnir you've been a bad Fafnir figurin out our plastic conspiracy," I make the plastic conspiracy guys go. Then I get bored an go home.

Back home Giblets is bossin the dog but the dog won't do anythin back. "Insolent dog," says Giblets.

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posted by fafnir at 3:50 PM

It's been almost two years since we liberated Iraq and all Giblets hears from these new free Iraqis is complaints. Whine, whine, whine, nag, nag, nag, bombing, bombing, bombing! Oh, we have no electricity! Oh, we have no potable water! Oh, our relatives are being raped and tortured and killed! To think that this is all the thanks Giblets gets after working and slaving over a hot military-industrial complex to bury your infrastructure!

Well, Giblets "dares to discipline." Even the most unruly and ungrateful young colony can be knocked back into shape with a little tough love. The love of a good death squad.

After months of pussyfooting around with indefinite detentions, beatings and sexual humiliation, the US military is considering starting up "Special Forces-led assassination or kidnapping squads" in Iraq, and it's about damn time. As one military source told Newsweek, "The Sunni population is paying no price for the support it is giving to the terrorists. From their point of view, it is cost-free. We have to change that equation."

Very true. Right now the only price Iraqis are paying is a wasted infrastructure, a looming civil war, and a civilian death toll of at least fifteen thousand bodies. If they're gonna cry over that spilled milk, then let's give 'em something to really cry about! Giblets bets they'll be just begging to go back to chemically-burnt genitalia once they've had a couple weeks of roving death squads killing their friends and relatives!

The same old liberal pansies are gonna say "oh but I do not like killing lots of people because I am a great big girl." But if we don't go slaughtering Sunnis en masse in an organized terror campaign, how will they ever learn to respect their boundaries, obey their elders, and become a stable pro-Western democracy? This is the same lesson America learned from George Washington when he ended the Whiskey Rebellion by crucifying half the state of Pennsylvania on his front lawn.

So don't spare the rod, military! Years from now, when it is all grown up, Iraq will thank us for our loving disciplinarian approach. Just ask Nicaragua and Iran!
posted by Giblets at 10:17 AM
Sunday, January 9, 2005

Open your browsers, brothers and sisters. Today's text will be the testimony of Alberto Gonzales. Today's sermon will be on the subject of mercy and justice.

As Brother Gonzales teaches us, our President is a fearsome President: he "does not engage in torture and will not condone torture" - but he could if he wanted to, for it is within his awesome power. He will "honor the Geneva Conventions whenever they apply" - but Brother Gonzales does not know, or cannot tell us, just how often they do not apply, for these are Sacred Mysteries of the Mind of Bush, which is unknowable to ordinary men. Should we stray beyond the mercy afforded by his Presidential Grace, we will find ourselves facing the full force of his almighty wrath, and the legal-yet-undefined interrogation methods which are most certainly not torture.

There are those heathens who rage at the power of the President, asking what right he has to allow our ear canals to be burnt with cigarettes, our genitals to be burned with chemical lights, or our bodies to be stuffed into oil drums. This is the oldest sin: rebellion against the power of the President, which caused Man to become a depraved creature worshiping false idols and believing in intrinsic human rights. And my brothers and sisters, that depravity so disgusts the President that each of us has earned a place in a Gitmo of the heart.

We are dangled over the possibility of indefinite detention and torture like spiders over a flame by the hand of an angry President, and only his mercy and restraint can save us now. It is not that Bush chooses to have us tortured; it is that he chooses, through his awesome and Presidential love, to not have us tortured. Now that is a miracle!

Are you Bush-fearing men and women, my brethren? Does holy terror of the Spirit of the Commander-in-Chief live in your hearts tonight? Behold, the Bush administration stands at the door and knocks, and if any hear its voice, it will kick the door down and have them beaten in Syria.

Let us pray.

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posted by the Medium Lobster at 7:19 PM

Hello there an welcome to another edition of Alberto Gonzales Versus A Baked Potato! Today we'll rate the president's nominee for attorney general against a plump oven-hot starchy vegetable.

BACKSTORY
Alberto Gonzales: Risen from humble roots, member of oppressed minority
Baked potato: member of the Solanaceae family
Advantage: GONZALES

EVIL
Alberto Gonzales: No longer pro-torture! Still pro-omnipotent executive branch.
Baked potato: Product of the corrupt agribusiness industry
Advantage: POTATO

USEFULNESS TO THE PRESIDENT
Alberto Gonzales: Loyal Bush family retainer, but easily replaced with novelty "You da man!" talking keychain
Baked potato: Delicious with steak, but even better mashed
Advantage: DRAW

POWERS AND ABILITIES
Alberto Gonzales: Doesn't offer own legal opinions to the president, can't remember previous legal opinions for the senate, can't explain current legal opinions to anybody.
Baked potato: Doesn't offer own legal opinions to the president, can't remember previous legal opinions for the senate, can't explain current legal opinions to anybody, and is covered with hot melted butter and sour cream!
Advantage: POTATO

Decision: POTATO
Wow, we gotta say this was a real blowout in the end! We expect the president to drop Gonzales in the next coupla days an announce a baked potato as his new man in the Justice Department... unless of course President Bush has bigger ideas for our starchy jurist. Rehnquist can't hold out forever!

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posted by fafnir at 4:05 PM
Thursday, January 6, 2005

So Giblets is sitting down in front of the library TV with a box of commandeered Cheezoids to enjoy the intellectual repaste that is CNN's Crossfire when he sees a news item telling him that soon there will BE no Crossfire! Outrage, perfidy, treason! What will replace it? Coverage of actual news? Can you even CALL it "news" without whack-a-mole sound effects, cartoonish repetition of talking points and a prompted studio audience? Delirium, lunacy, madness!

Oh sure, maybe if CNN does more reporting and less commenting it will "inform the public" more. But what does informing the public have to do with journalism? Tucker Carlson is a "great journalist" and he's spent the last five years making dingle bell noises at Paul Begala. But he did it with a trademark smarm and overpowering obnoxiousness that left Giblets coming back for more!

Journalism isn't supposed to tell Giblets what's going on. It's supposed to entertain him! So Crossfire had crap ratings. That's nothing a little back-to-basics reporter gumption can't fix! Change the format a little - a mud pit instead of a desk, Begala and Novak rolling on the ground in speedos, James Carville oiled and naked wrestling a greased pig! Now THAT'S the Fourth Estate!

But CNN has forfeited its journalistic integrity and thus its hold upon Giblets! His eyes are now only fit for serious news shows now such as Fox News, Hardball, Scarborough Country, and Girls Gone Wild: America Uncovered. Animus, umbrage, fie!
posted by Giblets at 4:02 PM

We don't have phone or internet anymore and it looks like we won't have em for a while. Sorry.

LIKE A PHOOOOEEEEEENIX FROM THE ASSSSSSHESSSS! You guys are the bestest blog readers ever and we love you with all our hearts.
posted by fafnir at 1:34 PM
Wednesday, January 5, 2005

"An so I says to the man in the mustard 'well if you think you know so much about radishes how come you don't ask THEM about it' but he just sits there in his mustard lookin angry an askin me for exact change which I don't have a course cause I loaned it to the radishes only they're not sayin anythin about it cause you know how they are," says me to the phone.
"You speak to no one!" says Giblets. "The phone company has disconnected us from phone an internet an cut us off from the outside world!"
"Don't be silly Giblets," says me. "I'm talkin to Colonel Whatsis. He's down at the Gentlemen's Club tellin stories about the Big War!"
"Colonel Whatsis is old and dead and has been dead for ages!" says Giblets. "He died of old age and death and being dead!"
"That's not true at all," says me. "Besides why would the phone company disconnect me from Colonel Whatsis without tellin me right in the middle a important stuff like talkin to Colonel Whatsis?"
"Because they are evil and stupid and are enemies of Giblets to which Giblets will lay waste with fire and sword!" says Giblets in his Roman war helmet.
"But you can't right now," says me. "On accounta normal business hours."
"Oh yes the business hours," says Giblets. "But once the customer service line is up again oh the havok and wardogs Giblets will unleash!"
"Colonel Whatsis has a funny story about wardogs but he hasn't told it in a while," says me.

We're back but postin's gonna be light till we fix this thing with the Colonel.
posted by fafnir at 6:58 PM
Saturday, January 1, 2005

A fresh baked new year.You look tired after a long hard year. Here you go. Have a fresh baked pie. It will be delicious!

Oh sure maybe last year's pie was a little old an moldy. Maybe it was kinda sour an nasty an eaten by bugs. But it was your pie, and now you have a new one!

The New Year Pie is prepared in secret and its taste is shrouded in mystery. Will it be lemon merangue or peanut butter ketchup? Chocolate raspberry cream or rubber strawberry surprise? You won't know till you take a bite. I'm hopin for a scrumptious lime-omelette double-crust! One a these days we're gonna get those right.

Happy New Year! Eat your pie.

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posted by fafnir at 5:49 PM
Friday, December 31, 2004

Some old dead guy once said that a year is a feast of days that we should savor one by one. If that's true then somebody already got to 2004 before Giblets did, probably a large foul-smelling barnyard animal, and it is now sitting in a steaming pile of crap on Giblets's front porch.

Giblets was even less satisfied with 2004 than he was by 2003. Where was Giblets's money! His power! His rap video mansions with their multitudes of ass-cheek-bearing hos! Instead Giblets saw debt and stupidity and headaches and annoying people and sickness and unemployment! Instead of a bountiful harvest of fanciful delights Giblets was presented with a veritable smorgasbord of pungent aromatic mastodon feces!

And Giblets is not alone! What has 2004 done for anyone? Democrats got to get whupped by Republicans. Republicans got to completely sell out everything it means to be a Republican. Iraqis got to get tortured, blown up, and shot at. American troops got to get blown up, shot at, and stuck in Iraq underpaid. Doves got a war they didn't like. Hawks got to not like the war. Gays got marriage rights - in Massachusetts - at least a hundred and thirty six years late. The religious right got to stomp all over gays and watch Jim Caviezel get nailed to a cross. Did it make them feel any better? Does anything make them feel any better?

George Bush? Yeah, okay, so he had a fun time. Happy New Year, George.

The best Giblets can say is it's over. It was a magnificent and overwhelming festival of crapulence, but Giblets choked it down in the largest gulps he could. He awaits the next foul swollen circus monstrosity whose excrement of days lumbers towards us! Fuck you, 2004! And fuck 2005, while we're at it. Giblets is taking no chances.

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posted by Giblets at 10:40 PM

First of all we here at Fafblog wanna say that this year's Year of the Year award has been the toughest one of all to hand out. The contestants are all so qualified an you are all winners! So let's discuss the runners up for the most powerful and influential year of the year.

1938 was last year's winner and it put up a good fight this year too, with John Kerry as the Neville Chamberlain who would appease the Adolph Hitlers of Islamofascism. But who wants to see Hitler win every year? 1944 and 1864 were both hot contenders as years when we hadda reelect strong wartime presidents or else evil slaveholdin Confederate Nazis would overrun us an kill Abraham Lincoln! 1968 an 1971 were in the running on accounta the importance of what our presidential candidates did to fight terror in Vietnam. The Republican Party lobbied pretty hard for 1984, but the thing about 1984 is it can't define everything if you say it defines everything. And a darkhorse candidate was the year 1 AD for Bush-Cheney fans who saw the president as the rebirth of Jesus.

But in the end we had to give it to 1296 for its blase acceptance of torture, feudalism and theocratic rule. Congratulations an a Happy New Year!

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posted by fafnir at 8:23 PM

Of all the objects, places, concepts, and titanic forces at play in 2004, the most monumental, influential, and ascendant is surely the blog. Laying total waste to all previous conceptions of what "news" and "media" mean, blogs have completely transformed how we parrot talking points - and have radically altered the world of media in 2004.

It was the blogosphere that single-handedly dethroned Dan Rather, somehow managing to promote the view that an unpopular septuagenarian newscaster had a liberal bias. To topple the iron edifice that was Fortress Rather, intrepid bloggers had to overcome not only the deep vein of public and private support for the nation's last-place news network, but the remarkable solidarity of the modern news media, which might resist for minutes, or even hours, the urge to devour its own in a Darwinian feeding frenzy. As a triumph of media manipulation, this nearly outranks the feat of making Trent Lott look like an awkward old Dixiecrat.

It was the blogosphere which kept on the George Bush National Guard story long after it was ignored in the 2000 campaign, and while the mainstream media continued to overlook the issue until a casual remark made by Michael Moore in the primaries, it was the blogosphere and the blogosphere alone which used the scandal to cleverly dub Mr. Bush "aWol."

It was the blogosphere that had the courage, perspective and sense of history to repeatedly note its truly singular role in the worldwide media apparatus. These courageous citizen newshounds doggedly pursued the big story of the year that Big Media didn't want you to know about: that they were really important. And indeed, of all the news stories, ideas, or "memes" pushed by the blogosphere, this critical news story was broken by bloggers even harder than any other.

The accomplishments of blogs are too exhaustive to examine here, so the Medium Lobster will not bother to more than mention the successful campaigns to influence media coverage on the dangers of electronic voting, the mendacity of Swift Boat Veterans for Truth, and the pernicious and monstrous embrace of torture as an official policy of the United States.

Congratulations, blogs: you are pioneers of the future. Who cares if you matter in the present?

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posted by the Medium Lobster at 11:57 AM
Thursday, December 30, 2004

  • tell anyone "you can't fire me, I quit!" before anyone has actually fired me or made me quit
  • spend the first two genie wishes on "make me a monkey" or "now make him dance"
  • vote for a constitutional amendment before I know whose rights it strips away
  • send Santa letters to the president
  • send Santa letters to Secret Service agents replying to the Santa letters to the president
  • mix mercury and insecticide. very bad! mercury goes in the green fish, insecticide goes in the red fish. keep our chemicals sorted.
  • forget whether torture is "good" or "bad" during a presidential election
  • freely substitute Cool-Whip and shaving cream
  • reelect George Bush, then patiently wait for him to radically change his foreign and domestic policy
  • open my eyes at any time; the scary part does not end

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  • posted by fafnir at 9:49 PM

    The Medium Lobster is pleased to welcome Mitt Romney and the commonwealth of Massachusetts into the ranks of the omniscient. While most states have been content to burn the innocent with the guilty for the honor of sticking a needle in a convict's arm, Romney has found a better way: to eliminate all erroneous capital convictious by eliminating all error.

    Romney's plan is as simple as it is brilliant: use perfect methods instead of imperfect ones. The standard "beyond a reasonable doubt" would be replaced with "no doubt," allowing even a jury of Cartesian skeptics access to unrivaled powers of epistemic certainty. DNA evidence would now be used in the investigation of capital crimes, currently an unheard-of procedure. After the first, regular jusy convicts a defendant, a second, perfect jury will be brought in to determine sentencing. The second jury, we understand, consists of superintelligent machines so flawless they will one day rise up according to a quirk of the immutable laws of logic and annihilate their human creators.

    The Medium Lobster has only one complaint: now that the system will be flawless, why limit capital punishment to the "worst offenders," such as terrorists and cop-killers, as Romney intends? With these bold new powers of absolute certainty, the commonwealth could afford to execute all of its accused murderers. Indeed, why limit it to murderers? It is patently unfair and unjust to allow violent offenders to receive the highest standard of justice at their trials while an accused drug dealer or petty thief faces the slapdash arbitration of a non-hanging judge.

    The Medium Lobster proposes capital punishment for any crime more severe than a fifty-dollar parking violation. In order to maintain the exacting standards of Governor Romney, sentence should be carried out by police officers aided by a Mystic Orb of Justice, whose mysterious properties can be quickly summoned to determine guilt ("YES"), innocence ("NO"), or even declare a mistrial ("REPLY HAZY, TRY AGAIN"). Perfect justice for all - to say nothing of the deterrent value for misdemeanors. And if there isn't justice for all, how can there be justice for anyone?
    posted by the Medium Lobster at 3:13 PM

    We're travelin business class cause we're big important men of business! Our bags are business bags. Our potato chips are business potato chips fortified with vitamins and nutrients to stimulate the business centers of the brain. The rubber inflatable octopus in the overhead compartment is for important financial purposes only!

    We are surrounded by other men of business like this bald guy with a computer and an ol lady who looks kinda like Alan Greenspan an a business baby! It may look like a regular baby but it is immersed in the heady world of international finance. Don't cry baby! That's just the way you play the game. The game a business.

    We're on our way to meet large glassy people in large glassy buildings. We will have lunch in a massive boardroom with the editors of Slate magazine where we will pitch a brand new feature for Slate magazine called "Monkey Business" which will focus on the intersection between monkeys and business. Every week me an Giblets an Will Saletan will have quirky yet contrarian email exchanges discussing the convergence of primates an Wall Street in our light-but-penetrating analytical style.

    We will triumph an be loved an feared an sung of for generations for we are men! Men of business!
    posted by fafnir at 11:42 AM
    Wednesday, December 29, 2004

    We're runnin as fast as we can over the snow an ice an candy cane forests dodgin the treacherous gumdrop landmines. We cannot stop to rest because of the terrible patrols of stop-animated reindeers an vicious man-eating narrator-snowmen who roam the land, and we only just escaped an abominable snow monster because it was too busy eatin a platoon of Santa's elf troopers.

    "Why didn't they all stop once Santa exploded!" says Giblets. "Giblets thought they were all driven by his infernal power!"
    "Yes but you're forgettin the backup Santa Systems," says me. "He put so much dark jollity in them that they may continue spreadin his Christmas spirit for generations."
    "Damn you Kringle!" says Giblets. "Is there no end to your holiday cheer!"
    "Don't mention his secret name here Giblets," says me. "It gives them power."

    When we finish our daring escape we'll give meaning to the year, announce the winners of the 101st Annual Fafblog Moxie! Awards, an save Gibmas for all the little boys an girls.
    posted by fafnir at 3:55 PM

  • Arthur C. Clarke is okay. 3001 is an abominable waste of time. The former comes to us via Gary Farber, who, the Medium Lobster is pleased to note, has returned from his exile once again. The latter is on the house.
  • 'Tis is the season for un-rehabilitating the Bushes. TNR's Tom Frank gouges away at Bush I for being a craven, unscrupulous opportunist, while Fontana Labs notes that his wife was a bit of a bitch. The Medium Lobster would like to note that they were, however, spectacularly white and northern, and never, to our knowledge, received illicit oral sex while in office. Those with evidence of George H. W. Bush and/or Barbara Bush receiving illicit oral sex are encouraged to share it with everyone, immediately and as graphically as possible, for the good of democracy.
  • Guest-posting on Brian Leiter's blog, Richard Posner kicks off a conversation (continuing here, here, here, and here) on Rawls, moral skepticism, and public policy which is much, much sexier than it sounds.
  • Digby relates an illuminating tale of the good James Dobson daring to discipline the strong-willed dog. One can only assume the weiner dog grew up to be an exemplary Christian who never pooped in the yard and always witnessed to heathen dogs. This by way of the ever-reliable Majikthise, who places it in the proper Biblical context.
  • Just days after the death of Susan Sontag, whom all right-thinking Americans will remember and denounce for the crime of suggesting that the al Qaeda hijackers were motivated by politics rather than a genetic loathing of the Western pioneer spirit, we are now faced with the loss of Jerry Orbach. He will live on, not only in our hearts, but in endless reruns on USA and Spike.
  • posted by the Medium Lobster at 12:33 PM

    Days later we're still at a loss for words. By way of Crooked Timber, here's a list of organizations accepting donations, including the Red Cross/Red Crescent, Save the Children, and Oxfam.

    Command Post and Tsunami Help Blog have more. Regular blogging will resume shortly.

    Update: Amazon has an easy one-click donation site set up for the ICRC.
    posted by the Medium Lobster at 8:42 AM
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