Friday, December 31, 2004
Some old dead guy once said that a year is a feast of days that we should savor one by one. If that's true then somebody already got to 2004 before Giblets did, probably a large foul-smelling barnyard animal, and it is now sitting in a steaming pile of crap on Giblets's front porch.
Giblets was even less satisfied with 2004 than he was by 2003. Where was Giblets's money! His power! His rap video mansions with their multitudes of ass-cheek-bearing hos! Instead Giblets saw debt and stupidity and headaches and annoying people and sickness and unemployment! Instead of a bountiful harvest of fanciful delights Giblets was presented with a veritable smorgasbord of pungent aromatic mastodon feces!
And Giblets is not alone! What has 2004 done for anyone? Democrats got to get whupped by Republicans. Republicans got to completely sell out everything it means to be a Republican. Iraqis got to get tortured, blown up, and shot at. American troops got to get blown up, shot at, and stuck in Iraq underpaid. Doves got a war they didn't like. Hawks got to not like the war. Gays got marriage rights - in Massachusetts - at least a hundred and thirty six years late. The religious right got to stomp all over gays and watch Jim Caviezel get nailed to a cross. Did it make them feel any better? Does anything make them feel any better?
George Bush? Yeah, okay, so he had a fun time. Happy New Year, George.
The best Giblets can say is it's over. It was a magnificent and overwhelming festival of crapulence, but Giblets choked it down in the largest gulps he could. He awaits the next foul swollen circus monstrosity whose excrement of days lumbers towards us! Fuck you, 2004! And fuck 2005, while we're at it. Giblets is taking no chances.
posted by Giblets at 10:40 PM
First of all we here at Fafblog wanna say that this year's Year of the Year award has been the toughest one of all to hand out. The contestants are all so qualified an you are all winners! So let's discuss the runners up for the most powerful and influential year of the year.
1938 was last year's winner and it put up a good fight this year too, with John Kerry as the Neville Chamberlain who would appease the Adolph Hitlers of Islamofascism. But who wants to see Hitler win every year? 1944 and 1864 were both hot contenders as years when we hadda reelect strong wartime presidents or else evil slaveholdin Confederate Nazis would overrun us an kill Abraham Lincoln! 1968 an 1971 were in the running on accounta the importance of what our presidential candidates did to fight terror in Vietnam. The Republican Party lobbied pretty hard for 1984, but the thing about 1984 is it can't define everything if you say it defines everything. And a darkhorse candidate was the year 1 AD for Bush-Cheney fans who saw the president as the rebirth of Jesus.
But in the end we had to give it to 1296 for its blase acceptance of torture, feudalism and theocratic rule. Congratulations an a Happy New Year!
posted by fafnir at 8:23 PM
Of all the objects, places, concepts, and titanic forces at play in 2004, the most monumental, influential, and ascendant is surely the blog. Laying total waste to all previous conceptions of what "news" and "media" mean, blogs have completely transformed how we parrot talking points - and have radically altered the world of media in 2004.
It was the blogosphere that single-handedly dethroned Dan Rather, somehow managing to promote the view that an unpopular septuagenarian newscaster had a liberal bias. To topple the iron edifice that was Fortress Rather, intrepid bloggers had to overcome not only the deep vein of public and private support for the nation's last-place news network, but the remarkable solidarity of the modern news media, which might resist for minutes, or even hours, the urge to devour its own in a Darwinian feeding frenzy. As a triumph of media manipulation, this nearly outranks the feat of making Trent Lott look like an awkward old Dixiecrat.
It was the blogosphere which kept on the George Bush National Guard story long after it was ignored in the 2000 campaign, and while the mainstream media continued to overlook the issue until a casual remark made by Michael Moore in the primaries, it was the blogosphere and the blogosphere alone which used the scandal to cleverly dub Mr. Bush "aWol."
It was the blogosphere that had the courage, perspective and sense of history to repeatedly note its truly singular role in the worldwide media apparatus. These courageous citizen newshounds doggedly pursued the big story of the year that Big Media didn't want you to know about: that they were really important. And indeed, of all the news stories, ideas, or "memes" pushed by the blogosphere, this critical news story was broken by bloggers even harder than any other.
The accomplishments of blogs are too exhaustive to examine here, so the Medium Lobster will not bother to more than mention the successful campaigns to influence media coverage on the dangers of electronic voting, the mendacity of Swift Boat Veterans for Truth, and the pernicious and monstrous embrace of torture as an official policy of the United States.
Congratulations, blogs: you are pioneers of the future. Who cares if you matter in the present?
posted by the Medium Lobster at 11:57 AM
Thursday, December 30, 2004
posted by fafnir at 9:49 PM
The Medium Lobster is pleased to welcome Mitt Romney and the commonwealth of Massachusetts into the ranks of the omniscient. While most states have been content to burn the innocent with the guilty for the honor of sticking a needle in a convict's arm, Romney has found a better way: to eliminate all erroneous capital convictious by eliminating all error.
Romney's plan is as simple as it is brilliant: use perfect methods instead of imperfect ones. The standard "beyond a reasonable doubt" would be replaced with "no doubt," allowing even a jury of Cartesian skeptics access to unrivaled powers of epistemic certainty. DNA evidence would now be used in the investigation of capital crimes, currently an unheard-of procedure. After the first, regular jusy convicts a defendant, a second, perfect jury will be brought in to determine sentencing. The second jury, we understand, consists of superintelligent machines so flawless they will one day rise up according to a quirk of the immutable laws of logic and annihilate their human creators.
The Medium Lobster has only one complaint: now that the system will be flawless, why limit capital punishment to the "worst offenders," such as terrorists and cop-killers, as Romney intends? With these bold new powers of absolute certainty, the commonwealth could afford to execute all of its accused murderers. Indeed, why limit it to murderers? It is patently unfair and unjust to allow violent offenders to receive the highest standard of justice at their trials while an accused drug dealer or petty thief faces the slapdash arbitration of a non-hanging judge.
The Medium Lobster proposes capital punishment for any crime more severe than a fifty-dollar parking violation. In order to maintain the exacting standards of Governor Romney, sentence should be carried out by police officers aided by a Mystic Orb of Justice, whose mysterious properties can be quickly summoned to determine guilt ("YES"), innocence ("NO"), or even declare a mistrial ("REPLY HAZY, TRY AGAIN"). Perfect justice for all - to say nothing of the deterrent value for misdemeanors. And if there isn't justice for all, how can there be justice for anyone?
posted by the Medium Lobster at 3:13 PM
We're travelin business class cause we're big important men of business! Our bags are business bags. Our potato chips are business potato chips fortified with vitamins and nutrients to stimulate the business centers of the brain. The rubber inflatable octopus in the overhead compartment is for important financial purposes only!
We are surrounded by other men of business like this bald guy with a computer and an ol lady who looks kinda like Alan Greenspan an a business baby! It may look like a regular baby but it is immersed in the heady world of international finance. Don't cry baby! That's just the way you play the game. The game a business.
We're on our way to meet large glassy people in large glassy buildings. We will have lunch in a massive boardroom with the editors of Slate magazine where we will pitch a brand new feature for Slate magazine called "Monkey Business" which will focus on the intersection between monkeys and business. Every week me an Giblets an Will Saletan will have quirky yet contrarian email exchanges discussing the convergence of primates an Wall Street in our light-but-penetrating analytical style.
We will triumph an be loved an feared an sung of for generations for we are men! Men of business!
posted by fafnir at 11:42 AM
Wednesday, December 29, 2004
We're runnin as fast as we can over the snow an ice an candy cane forests dodgin the treacherous gumdrop landmines. We cannot stop to rest because of the terrible patrols of stop-animated reindeers an vicious man-eating narrator-snowmen who roam the land, and we only just escaped an abominable snow monster because it was too busy eatin a platoon of Santa's elf troopers.
"Why didn't they all stop once Santa exploded!" says Giblets. "Giblets thought they were all driven by his infernal power!"
"Yes but you're forgettin the backup Santa Systems," says me. "He put so much dark jollity in them that they may continue spreadin his Christmas spirit for generations."
"Damn you Kringle!" says Giblets. "Is there no end to your holiday cheer!"
"Don't mention his secret name here Giblets," says me. "It gives them power."
When we finish our daring escape we'll give meaning to the year, announce the winners of the 101st Annual Fafblog Moxie! Awards, an save Gibmas for all the little boys an girls.
posted by fafnir at 3:55 PM
posted by the Medium Lobster at 12:33 PM
Days later we're still at a loss for words. By way of Crooked Timber, here's a list of organizations accepting donations, including the Red Cross/Red Crescent, Save the Children, and Oxfam.
Command Post and Tsunami Help Blog have more. Regular blogging will resume shortly.
Update: Amazon has an easy one-click donation site set up for the ICRC.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 8:42 AM
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
"It sure was a long way till the end of the world," says me.
"The way was guarded by lions and chimeras and manticores and logicians and other ferocious beasts," says Giblets.
"Fortunately we are impervious to logic," says me.
"Modus ponens has no hold on Giblets!" says Giblets. "He swats antecedents like flies!"
"Do you think there are antecedents over the end of the world?" says me.
"No, there's just God and God's giant pile a God-treasure!" says Giblets. "Where God keeps all the best crap to himself cause why else would he be God?"
"I think there's a Lost World of rodeo clowns an Wired articles an corporate paradigm shifts an discarded animatronic dinosaurs," says me. "They have survived the great extinction and have moved to an ancient valley where they coexist in peace."
"Pure fantasy!" says Giblets. "An when we get to God Giblets will not have to battle God and his vast legions of unstoppable God-ninjas to seize his God-treasure, God will just say 'Oh Giblets you are so transcendently Gibletsy I must give you all my God-stuff and total control of Godlandia'."
"Maybe over the end of the world there's another side of the world, where everybody walks upside-down and backwards an fight peace and live through wars and whose wilds are roamed by dangerously tame inside-out animals who have never known we exist," says me.
"That would be terrible," says Giblets. "We'd haveta wipe em out."
"Maybe there's nothin on the other side a the end a the world," says me. "Maybe when you go over the edge nothin happens."
"That's crazy talk!" says Giblets. "There are the celestial spheres! And the turtles! And things! Giblets has a priori knowledge of the turtles!"
"Maybe it's just the turtles," says me.
"But when boats go over the edge they don't come back," says Giblets. "That means they've gotta go somewhere!"
"Maybe they just keep fallin," says me.
We stare over the edge for a bit. Giblets kicks a pebble off.
"Well, at least there'll be turtles," says me.
"Turtles, nothing!" says Giblets. "There will be victory!"
And off we go!
Labels: true adventures
posted by fafnir at 10:13 AM
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
Laura Rozen and Matthew Yglesias discuss the possibility that Bush administration figures could one day face war crimes charges. Indeed, at this point the prospect of George Bush or Donald Rumsfeld being tried some years hence for crimes against humanity seems fairly plausible, and it is this very plausibility that must force us to ask: are crimes against humanity really crimes to be prosecuted at all?
In the wake of 9/11, it became a given that the United States would have to take quite extraordinary measures in defending the Free World against the creeping threat of Muslinazification. Preventive, unilateral war, arcane democratic domino theories, a certain eagerness to strap electrodes to the genitals of any Arab male over eighteen - most of America's more squeamish global neighbors were bound to be alienated by these necessary steps. In fact, given the rest of the world's generally weak and out-of-touch stance on the war on terror, any measures which offend, shock, and horrify our closest allies are bound to be generally on the right track.
Thus, if America is right when it is angering Europe, Asia, and the Mideast, how much more right is America when those same areas of the world are indicting American leaders for war crimes? Americans cannot wait for the approval of humanity before it burns a naked detainee with cigarettes or beats, molests, and shoots a prisoner in an oil drum. By the time the human race realizes the immense favor the Bush administration has done for it, it may already have been too late.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 3:39 PM
Monday, December 20, 2004
Chain of Command. What will the next leap forward in American human rights be? Equal rights for gay Americans? Universal health care? Or maybe it'll be the casual acceptance of torture as a tool of the state! The possibilities are endless. Either Seymour Hersh has gone crazy and made up his sources, or the hideous abuses of Abu Ghraib have become policy handed down from the highest levels of our government. Hooray for us Merry Christmas!
The Dead Father. It's not just that God is dead, it's that he won't go away. He keeps buggin you, askin for stuff, tellin you about all the things he used to do back in his big ol God days. "Oh I created the heavens an the earth." "Oh I can move on the face a the waters." "Well big fat deal God nobody wants to hear your ol God stories!" God is also your father but backwards an different. You will miss him very much in the end.
The Adventures of Tony Millionaire's Sock Monkey. A sock monkey and his stuffed crow companion discover a pathway to Heaven, sail to distant lands, and attempt to unravel the secret of flight. They are not just stuffed animals. They are adventurers, transcending the limitations of cloth and stitch to embrace the life of the mind! This is the greatest work of comic book art known to man. Also recommended are the followups, The Collected Works of Tony Millionaire's Sock Monkey and Tony Millionaire's Sock Monkey: Uncle Gabby.
posted by fafnir at 5:11 PM
Sunday, December 19, 2004
Giblets craves the rich creamy taste of delicious egg nog. He dispatches his monkey to fetch it for him!
"Monkey!" says Giblets. "Bring Giblets his nog and you shall be greatly rewarded!" The monkey leaps off with the ooking and the bananaing. Giblets restrains his enthusiasm for the monkey given its previous poor work performance but there it is a few moments later with a tall cool glass of fresh nog! Yes, excellent work monkey! You are indeed a worthy servant of Giblets! Mmmm tasty EYYAACH what treachery is THIS!
"This is not egg nog!" says Giblets. "This is some foul pseudo-nog!"
"We're outta egg nog," says Fafnir. "But we have lotsa nutritious soy nog."
"Bhahe! Nog does not come from soy!" says Giblets.
"Soy is good for you," says Fafnir. "It builds strong soy glands!"
Giblets is dissatisfied.
posted by Giblets at 6:46 PM
2004 was the year of a head of cabbage! Its bold decisive leadership affected everything from the war in Iraq to the can-do inertia of the presidential election.
A head of cabbage always offered us steady leadership in times of change. When we wonder "what's goin on in this crazy world I do not understand" there's a head a cabbage bein a head a cabbage! Its reassuring vegetableness, its green leafiness, the way it looked natural on a farm, spoke to our deep cabbagey values. And it knew how to stick to its guns! When its critics complained that it was a bad cabbage or that it had food poisoning or that it had pointlessly launched the military into a nightmarish, unjustified quagmire, it knew just what to do: keep sittin there bein a cabbage.
Bein a cabbage, a head of cabbage isn't that smart. But it also knows that it's not that smart and listens to other the other cabbages around it which makes it an excellent cabbage manager! Some people say a buncha cabbages will just keep makin stupid mistakes, but the important thing is they will never admit them.
Most important, a head of cabbage has inspired millions with its deep cabbage values. We are more cabbagey as a nation because of a head of cabbage, and with its help we can aspire to higher and higher levels of vegetative wonder. A head of cabbage is Fafblog's Man of the Year.
posted by fafnir at 3:55 PM
Every day throughout America - particularly on cable television America - appeals are made to ordinary mainstream Americans. Just last week Bill Donohue of the Catholic League, in an excursion into the heady exotic realm of Scarborough Country, proudly announced his claim to traditional mainstream values shortly after denouncing Hollywood as a den of iniquity controlled by secular Jews who hate Christianity and love anal sex.
Everyone wants to be an Ordinary Mainstream American. But are you? How can you know? Sadly, not everyone is as gifted or as knowledgeable as Reverend Donohue or the Medium Lobster. And thus, in the spirit of the Christmas season - the time of giving, after all - the Medium Lobster gives you the following Test of the Mainstream. Answer the questions, score the points along the side accordingly, add up the total, and punch yourself repeatedly in the face. If you emerge swollen, bloody, yet filled with a strange sense of vindication, congratulations.
1. Are every bit as American as heterosexuals and fully deserve watered-down versions of our human rights.
2. Are entertaining, neutered, and on the other side of my TV.
3. Are going to Hell for the sin of Ickiness.
4. Are the product of Martian-human intermarriage and possess dangerous telepathic abilities.
Birth rates are:
1. Too high; other people should stop having children.
2. Too high; my political opponents should stop having children.
3. Too low; we'll never catch up to the Third World at this rate.
4. Too low; field mice alone have far outstripped us, to say nothing of bacteria.
1. Are colorful cartoon characters easily marketed to children.
2. Coexisted with humans, as evidenced by The Flinstones and Land of the Lost.
3. Were planted in the fossil record by a whimsical trickster god.
4. Were destroyed centuries ago by the mighty robots who assembled us, as is sung in the Cycles of Iron.
1. Are an essential tool for killing things.
2. Are an essential tool for the home which also happens to kill things.
3. Are what Jesus would've given the meek to take back the earth.
4. Are good. The gun kills men. The penis is evil. The penis shoots seed.
1. Mostly happens on the internet.
2. Is dirty and BAD... but I LIKE it... but that makes me dirty and BAD... but I LIKE it...
3. Is a foul and terrible abomination of all that is holy until a priest/judge/clerk/pirate captain puts a ring on my finger and tells me otherwise.
4. Does not exist. Humans reproduce through budding.
1. Wants me to watch shitty movies.
2. Wants me to oppose the Iraq War because of Martin Sheen; wants me to vote for actors who supported the Iraq War like Arnold Schwarzenegger.
3. Wants me to have gay sex.
4. Wants me to have gay sex with Martin Sheen and Arnold Schwarzenegger.
The end of the world:
1. Will be slower and more painful than I can possibly imagine.
2. Will be a vast disappointment.
3. Must be hastened by strict adherence to a collection of ancient inscrutable animal prophecies.
4. Has already happened.
Labels: real america
posted by the Medium Lobster at 12:11 PM
Saturday, December 18, 2004
There's only six more shopping days till Christmas an you know what that means! It means you still have shopping left to do for your second-tier relatives, like Uncle Shmopey, an your uglier niece, an that ol guy in the back with the hook hand who's always goin on about how he got his hook hand that everybody always tries to avoid cause a his hook hand. But Christmas is expensive an while you have so much love to give at this point your love is gonna have to be considerably more value-priced.
That's why Fafblog's here with this handy shopping guide with ten sure-fire items to show the love and appreciation for your bargain bin loved ones!
posted by fafnir at 6:54 PM
Next week is Gibmas, the most sacred day of the year. The day when all Giblets-fearing Gibletsians - when EVERYONE! - must pay obeisance to Giblets and the glorious things he has done for them, such as overwhelming them with his resplendence and destroying their free will.1 But some people are spoiling Gibmas for everyone! They are Scrooging up Gibmas! They are the Grinches of Gibmas cheer!
The other day Giblets and the Giblets Players were going to perform a Gibmas pageant for a local school when some petty bureacrat stopped us because it was "politically incorrect!" And because it "endorsed fascism"! And because it "made children cry"! Well Giblets has taken a page out of the Mustang, Oklahoma playbook and denied eleven million dollars of funding to the school district. That'll show 'em for not enshrining Giblets's personal beliefs in a public school!
Yeah, they're all "but Giblets we need that money for a school to educate our children waaaah" Well the children can bite me! No puppet show, no teachers' salaries!
But Giblets's vengeance is not yet complete. There still exist others unpunished who have discriminated against Giblets, who have defied his mighty will, by refusing to purchase lemonade from him as a child - but Giblets is planning swift retribution! Enjoy your paved roads while you can, evildoers!
1. Oh, you don't believe Giblets has destroyed your free will, do you? Well, he made you read this footnote, didn't he?2
2. And this one!3
3. This one too!
posted by Giblets at 3:42 PM
Fafblog is proud to announce the sorta opening of the Fafshop! It is the whole world's only source for Fafshop. Sure other blogs have cheaply made merchandise too but do those pieces a cheap merchandise come with the Fafblog Four Cows Seal of Quality that guarantees you four cows of quality? Maybe.
The Fafshop has had a coupla setbacks unfortunately like a couple of the toys have been recalled. If you have already bought any of the followin Fafshop toys please return them to your nearest Fafshop as soon as possible.
Action Giblets with ReadyLaunch Rocket Due to a manufacturing glitch the warhead on Action Giblets's ReadyLaunch Rocket can go off early in its trajectory an injure children an noncombatants.
Fafnir's Explodeytime Village Playset! While very cute an colorful, the pieces that come with Fafnir's Explodeytime Village Playset! are very small an could be a choking hazard if swallowed by children under three. Also, it explodes.
Delicious Spinach! This was just a very boring toy. I'm not real sure why we decided to sell this.
Dr. Lobster's Real Live Poison Kit The edges on the box that Dr. Lobster's Real Live Poison Kit comes in are very sharp and could hurt your child.
We are sorry for everything.
posted by fafnir at 8:17 AM
Friday, December 17, 2004
Evil Emperor Ananab of the Bad Banana People has captured us an thrown us in his dungeon! His space dungeon!
"Hahaha!" says Evil Emperor Ananab. "Hohoho!"
"Oh you'll pay for this one Evil Emperor Ananab!" says Giblets.
"Yes," says me. "Evil never triumphs over good."
"Hohoho!" says Evil Emperor Ananab. "Hahaha!" An he turns on the deadly space ray what turns you into space!
"Oh no!" says Giblets. "There is no possible way to escape the deadly space ray what turns you into space!"
"Oh no how will we ever blog today in time!" says me.
We promise we will return later tonight with lots a toys an goodies from our sleigh but right now we gotta escape the clutches a evil.
posted by fafnir at 2:50 PM
Thursday, December 16, 2004
As everyone who has followed Giblets's 50-part series "Social Security: ARMAGEDDON!"1 knows, Social Security is going to EXPLODE! - MAYBE! - in FIFTY YEARS! - because it will run out of money, and the only thing to do is to borrow two trillion dollars from the Mystical Realm of Faerie to save us from going into debt.
But there may be another solution! Right now the usual bunch of whiners (old people, sick people, poor people - really, what do they do except whine?) are whining about Bush's plan to get rid of tax breaks for health insurance. This could be the Social Security solution we've all been waiting for! If thousands of companies get punished for giving their workers health insurance, well damn! Millions could end up LOSING their health insurance. And the less health coverage you have, the sicker you are, and the sicker you are, the faster you die, and the faster you die, the less Giblets has to pay for your stupid Social Security!
Between gutting health coverage and sending old people off to war, we've got a great start going putting a dent in American life expectancy. Right now it's somewhere around 77.2 years. That means 12.2 years where our parents and grandparents can leech off our hard-earned cash! If we work hard we can push that way lower - down to 75, 70 years, down to 68 and lower if we really work at it, and then we could just raise the retirement age and not have to worry about Social Security at all!
So there you have it. Giblets has solved all your fiscal problems at once! Social Security is saved! The budget is saved!2 More cannon fodder for Iraq! Three birds, one stone, everybody happy! Except for the dead people, and hey, Giblets doesn't hear them complainin'! You can thank Giblets anytime.
1. soon to be a major motion picture by Jerry Bruckheimer
2. at least until the tax cuts become permanent
posted by Giblets at 2:35 PM
So yesterday the missile defense system failed again. Now there’s a lotta negative nancies out there talkin about how our missile shield is a costly Cold War boondoggle that has wasted billions of dollars, alienated our allies and started a new and pointless arms race. But this kinda talk is very destructive an costly to our missiles, who love us an want to do the very best they can for us.
The first thing we should do is let our missile system know that mistakes aren’t bad, they’re just learning experiences. Kudos to Richard A. Lehner of the Missile Defense Agency for letting our missiles know that we learned “quite a bit” from the latest missile test. There you go missiles! We’ll do better next time. You might even get off the launching pad!
If we are negative towards our missile systems, callin em “failures” an “disasters” an tellin em we wish they’d never been funded, well that’ll just make things worse! We need to love an encourage our missiles. They need our help an support to learn an grow. With a few kind words an some hard work an another 4.8 billion dollars these plucky little can-do missiles should be able to take some serious steps toward self-improvement!
Oh I know what you’re thinkin. “Fafnir” you’re thinkin “we’ve already spent $80 billion on this and it’s gotten us nowhere.” Well you can’t just buy your missiles’ success yknow. You need to make it a personal investment. Read to your missiles. Ask em how they did at their test launch. Tuck them in at night. Make sure they know that you love them an support them no matter what. An make they know that it’s not their fault you broke up with your allies. Just tell em “Daddy an Europe still love you, they just aren’t committing troops together anymore.”
It’s never too late for a second chance with love. And if we don’t give that second chance to our missiles, who will we give it to?
posted by fafnir at 12:24 PM
"An then the Big Bad Antiochus Epiphanes came up to the SEVENTH little Maccabee's house, which was made a straw, an he said 'I'm gonna huff an I'm gonna puff an I'm gonna forcibly impose my cultural an religious norms on your house down!"
"Why didn't the little Maccabee just shoot im?" says Giblets.
"Cause he didn't have the magic candles," says me. "The EIGHTH little Maccabee had those an he lived in a house made a cheese but now you're rushin the story."
"This history lesson sounds suspiciously stupid!" says Giblets. "An besides why didn't you tell us about this yesterday while it was still Hanukkah?"
"Because Hanukkah is not a time for rememberin the history of stuff," says me. "It's a time for celebratin the delightfully expressive ambience of stuff! It is the feeeeestival of lights! Woooooo lights."
"It is the festival of lame!" says Giblets. "Enough of dreidels and chocolate coins and new socks! When does Giblets get to make a golem!"
"I dunno Giblets that's really more of a Passover thing," says me.
"Giblets needs his golem," says Giblets. "Giblets needs his earth-wrought unstoppable engine of destruction now!"
"Okay," says me. "But you have to play nice with it."
For those of you playin at home here's how YOU can make a golem! First make a big thing outta clay an earth which is but a shadow of the true glory that is divine creation. Then write the hidden name of God on its forehead an pronounce the secret invocation:
I had a little golem, I made it out of clay
And when it's dried and ready, Prague armies it will slay.
Golem, golem, golem, I made you out of clay.
Golem, golem, golem, with golem I will play.
posted by fafnir at 10:23 AM
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
After years of losing the the battle for hearts and minds to the Islamist menace, leaders in the Pentagon are finally planning to fight back with a plan sure to win the trust and confidence of the Arab street: a massive propaganda campaign.
The notion of seeding foreign nations - enemy, neutral and allied alike - with misleading information and outright lies may appear unseemly, immoral, and unwise, especially given the possibility that such false information will be picked up by credulous American news outlets to misinform the domestic populace. But one must consider the vast forces arrayed against the United States: in Iraq alone, America faces electricity, oil, food, and medical shortages, overstretched and overworn troops, a population incensed at ongoing and systematic torture and abuse at the hands of American occupiers, an escalating insurgency energized rather than deflated by recent counterstrikes, and the inescapable tug of civil war. With the facts solidly turned against the war effort, the war effort's last option is to officially declare war on the facts.
Facts - and the transmission of facts - have consistently proven to be a deadly opponent in the global war on terror. When the Abu Ghraib scandal broke, it was photographic proof - indisputable, hard evidence - that outraged the Arab world and forced a stunned America to ask the question, "Why did they take those photos?" When a missile crashes into a marketplace in Baghdad, or a child picks up a cluster bomb, it is television cameras - often from the despicable al-Jazeera network - that record the aftermath. And it was evidence of weapons of mass destruction - more hard facts - that failed to show up when most desperately needed, that deserted the proud coalition as quickly and as fiercely as Jacques Chirac.
The solution is obvious: if facts will not join the fight in the war on terror, then America must supply its own facts. If reality will not aid the United States, then lies will. New, friendly, manufactured news will counteract old, natural news of brutal slaughter and human rights abuses, overtake them with superior counterfactual force, and terminate them with extreme prejudice to win the hearts and minds of Muslims everywhere.
A lesser nation would consider changing its more hideous policies to win over the rest of the world, but the Pentagon realizes that the better response is to simply lie to it. The Bush Administration has successfully used this policy on America for the last four years, and the country, the Medium Lobster is told, is safer than ever.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 3:09 PM
So I was out walkin the dog this mornin when I run into the president. "Hey Mr. President what's up," says me. "Fafnir, I am proud to award you this Presidential Medal of Freedom, the highest civilian honor our nation can bestow," says President Bush. "Well gee thanks," says me. "But what for?" "For not fucking up the postwar planning, for not presiding over the disintegration of the Iraqi occupation, and for not hawking crap information to sell a war right after dropping the ball on the greatest intelligence failure in American history," says President Bush. "Well thanks!" says me. "Can my dog have one too?" "Hell, why not?" says the president. "We got like a truckload a these things." When I get home I chuck it in the ol trunk along with my Congressional Medals of Honor an my Nobel Prize.
posted by fafnir at 11:16 AM
So William Rehnquist is gonna die and everybody's all hot and bothered about who's gonna replace him. Well boo hoo hoo! What's in it for Giblets? Nothin', that's what, because the liberal Washington estalishment won't let Giblets be appointed to the Supreme Court. And why not? Because they are racists.
Whenever there's talk of a Giblets appointment or a Giblets presidency or Giblets as Lord High Autarch there are Democrats to oppose it. Coincidence? Or a deep racial loathing of Giblets! Oh Giblets has heard all the petty little complaints - "Oh, Giblets is too extreme!" "Oh, Giblets is a dangerously unqualified hack!" "Oh, Giblets believes the Constitution grants the executive branch the authority to deny due process at will!" - but they are all filthy excuses to cover up the deep racial prejudice in the American left! This should surprise no one as the left has always been trying to oppress Giblets's people* for decades by opposing things like segregation and the poll tax.
The tragedy is that Giblets would make the greatest Chief Justice ever because he understands that our rights do not come from laws. They come from a Higher Authority: namely, Giblets, and whatever crackpot idea has currently come into Giblets's head. It was ALWAYS the intention of the Founding Fathers to allow the use thumbscrews on teenage pot smokers! A smudge on the Federalist Papers screams out for the application of capital punishment as a deterrent to internet piracy! Blackstone wants your blood and he wants it now, NOW, NOW!
posted by Giblets at 9:45 AM
Monday, December 13, 2004
There's only twelve more shoppin days till Christmas an you know what that means! It means Santa's already outside our house tryin to eat me.
"Ho ho ho!" says Santa. "Now, now, Fafnir, be a good little boy and let Santa in! He has so many presents to give you!"
"Oh no Santa you're not gettin in that easy," says me. "You don't wanna really gimme presents. You just wanna eat me."
"Wait a second," says Giblets. "What kinda presents we talkin about here?"
"Because you were an extra good little Giblets this year, Santa brought you everything on your Christmas list!" says Santa. "Now who wants to open up the door and let Santa in?"
"Oooh! Oooh! Me me me!" says Giblets. "I wanna bicycle, an a train set, and a massively overpriced anti-ballistic missile system, an a Giblosapien!"
"Giblets it's a trap!" says me. "Santa's just tryin to lure us outside so he can temporarily sate his unholy appetite for Fafnirs an Gibletses!"
"But... but a Giblosapien!" says Giblets. "It's a high-tech robot toy Giblets that bosses you around and makes you buy more robot toy Gibletses! And I need it!"
"We can make a pretend Giblosapien for you," says me. "With the unbridled power of imagination!"
"Imagination is futile!" says Giblets. "Reading Rainbow told me my imagination could take me anywhere but when Giblets's plane crashed in the Andes his powers of psychokinetic teleportation were useless! He had to eat three soccer teams to survive! Giblets blames you for his taste for human flesh, Levar Burton!"
"Did you know he ate Maya Angelou on the set of Roots?" says me.
"An she was never heard from again," says Giblets.
"Ho ho ho! Merry Kwanzaa!" says Santa. "It's me, the Kwanzaa Fairy, here to bring you delicious egg nog and Kwanzaa presents, if you'll just open the door!"
"Yeeees! Delicious Kwanzaa!" says Giblets.
"Wait just a second," says me. "How do we know you're the REAL Kwanzaa Fairy an not somebody else? Tell us somethin only the Kwanzaa Fairy could know."
"Yeah," says Giblets. "Like why do we celebrate Kwanzaa?"
"To celebrate the day when... baby Kwanzaa was born?" says Santa.
"No that's wrong and a lie!" says me. "Baby Kwanzaa was most likely born in early September in the first century CE but we celebrate it on December 26th because it replaced the pagan festival of Neptunitis. You're not the Kwanzaa Fairy at all you're Santa still tryin to eat us!"
"Hellfire and damnation!" says Santa. "I hunger! I HUNGER!"
"Do you really have Kwanzaa presents though?" says Giblets.
"Um... yes?" says Santa.
"Well come on in!" says me. "Have some milk an cookies. Wait! No!"
"A pox upon your blood!" says Santa.
"I hate Christmas," says Giblets.
posted by fafnir at 7:29 AM
Friday, December 10, 2004
It's time for another edition of Recrimination 2004, in which the Medium Lobster peers through the swirling clouds of his crystal ball to help his friends in the Democratic Party understand exactly what cost them the presidency this year. In past editions we learned that the party's failure was the fault of gays, latinos, John Kerry, Karl Rove, and the rising of the moon in Gemini (Kerry, of course, is a Sagittarius). But this week the Medium Lobster lays the blame for Democratic defeat where it truly belongs: Michael Moore.
A commanding, political powerhouse since his emergence from the smoky backroom machinations of the Toronto Film Festival, Moore has dominated Democratic politics for over a decade, wielding the sheer power of his sporadic documentaries to bend the Democratic Party to the far left. His opposition to the war in Afghanistan caused a fractious rift in the Democratic party, swinging to his side such critical party leaders as Dennis Kucinich and that guy on Telegraph Ave with the "STOP NATO BEFORE IT KILLS AGAIN" sign, and his later radical antiwar stance on Iraq would tarnish the Democratic Party forever in the eyes of the shrinking minority that still views the invasion as legitimate. Indeed, Moore's pacifism tarred the Democratic Party so badly that John Kerry came dangerously close to being viewed as a clear and obvious alternative to George Bush's foreign policy. Fortunately, Kerry managed to dispel this myth in time with a series of muddled and poorly-worded policy statements.
Alas, Moore's prominence and power in the party - from his keynote address at the convention to his co-sponsorship of the much-derided Moore-Fonda Squishy Peacenik Act - would prove too much for Kerry, tainting the whole party as the kind of weak, sputtering pacifists who would never have the guts to invade the wrong country and bog the United States down in a massive quagmire of Vietnamese proportions. Together with MoveOn.org, who virtually crippled Democrats by raising money and running television and print advertisements for them, Moore cast the whole of the Democratic Party in his leftist light... and in doing so, doomed it.
There's still hope. Democrats can "purge" these noxious influences within their party by loudly calling attention to them by nervously denouncing them as often as possible. Only then will the Democratic mainstream be able to firmly emulate its pro-war successes, like Joe Lieberman and Dick Gephardt.
Next week: Who could be responsible for the repeated failure of Democratic strategy... Democratic strategists, or mischievous gremlins? The Medium Lobster will tell you all about your fiendish pixie adversaries in just one week.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 4:59 PM
The other day Giblets was putting up a simple Gibmas display in his town square like he does every year when a bunch of whiney whiners showed up to whine. “Oh why are you imposing your religious Gibletsness on us” and “oh where are we going to put our Christmas and Channukah decorations” and “oh why are you forcing our children to polish that sixty foot tall bronze statue of Giblets.” And all this after Giblets scaled the statue down from the two hundred foot model!
Nobody cares about the true meaning of Gibmas anymore, and do you know why? Because of a lack of spiritual dedication. A lack of spiritual dedication to Giblets. Gibmas used to be a time for Americans to put aside worldly concerns and remember what really mattered to them: their wills being crushed beneath the dictatorial whims of Giblets! But now it’s all about commercialism and materialism and loving your family. Well where is the love for Giblets? And the fear for Giblets? And the money and presents and food for Giblets?
It is all part of the decline and decay of our modern culture. These days our country has fallen so far from its original Judeo-Christo-Gibletsian values Giblets does not even recognize it. Forced Giblets-worship is forbidden in public schools. The One Commandment ("Bow Before Giblets!") is not allowed in courtrooms, much less the Other Commandments ("Dance For Giblets!", "Juggle Things For Giblets!", "Do Giblets's Laundry!", "Tell Giblets a Story!" and "Hug Giblets, He Is Scared And Lonely"). Why in some places it is not even legal to be enslaved to Giblets anymore. Giblets has been chased from the public sphere, and Gibmas has become just another day where you flog your children with candy canes before eating expensive electronics.
Well Giblets is tired of this commercialized holiday! He’s tired of people who don’t know what Gibmas is all about! Is there anybody here who can tell me what Gibmas is all about?
posted by Giblets at 2:39 PM
Thursday, December 9, 2004
Every now and then Giblets will go outside on a cloudless winter night and gaze into the starry heavens and think about the vastness of space and wonder: is it possible to blow up stuff up there?
It looks like Giblets's question may be answered with the intelligence reform bill, which might have set aside huge gobs of money to arm spy satellites. Now, Giblets knows what you're thinking. You're thinking "won't people be upset that we are floating spy satellites with weapons on them over their countries," well Giblets has two responses to that. One, Giblets doesn't care about those other countries. He's never been to most of them and as of a year or so ago he's decided staying here forever is probably a good idea. Two, we are not putting weapons on our satellites to threaten other countries (although that would kick ass). We are putting weapons on our satellites to protect our satellites. Y'know. From space terrorists.
If there's anything the terrorists want to blow up, it's stuff in space. Because the terrorists hate Freedom and you can't get any freer than when you're in space. Giblets assumes the terrorists would attack our satellites by launching their own evil terrorist space shuttle armed with missiles and deadly terrorist lasers, like in that old episode of GI Joe. Also terrorists might decide to take over an island using robot dinosaurs, or clone a "super-terrorist emperor" from the genetic material of dead terrorists.
Of course some party-poopers are saying this is a stupid, bad, wasteful idea. Giblets doesn't have time for that kinda pre-9/11 mindset! We're at war with terrorists - terrorists who may already have rocket technology, who may already be putting their first man in space, who may beat us to the moon! - and if we don't put missiles on satellites they will! If you outlaw Cold War-style orbital space weapons only the outlaws will have Cold War-style orbital space weapons.
posted by Giblets at 1:58 AM
Wednesday, December 8, 2004
Giblets sits atop his war-elephant waiting to sweep down upon Rome! Soon it will lie in rubble and be added to Giblets’s treasure trove of conquered lands and all will hail the magnificent resplendence of the wonder of Giblets!
Giblets gives the attack command to his elephant! “Elephant!” says Giblets. “Seize Rome for Giblets! Seize Rome for Giblets NOW!” The elephant makes squeaky elephant noises. Excellent elephant! When Giblets seizes Rome he will give you something special like a Colosseum or a Pope!
Giblets’s elephant remains motionless. Insolent elephant! What is wrong with you!
“Well he’s a hamster,” says Fafnir. “He’s probably not used to bein an elephant.”
“Don’t make excuses for the elephant!” says Giblets. “He is an even bigger disappointment than the monkey!”
“Squeak,” says the hamsterphant.
“What kind of Rome is this anyway!” says Giblets. “It doesn’t even have a Pantheon!”
“I didn’t know how to get to Rome so we’re in the spaghetti aisle instead,” says Fafnir. “We can get some spaghetti an pretend it’s Rome!”
“But! Ghahe! But it’s!” says Giblets. “But that’s lame!”
“Can you move please?” says some lady with a shopping cart. “You’re blocking the way.”
“Sorry ma’am,” says Fafnir.
Giblets is dissatisfied.
posted by Giblets at 8:58 PM
Of late the Medium Lobster has heard many complaints, from the usual leftist quarters, regarding the Bush Administration’s retention of Donald Rumsfeld as Secretary of Defense. Few outside the White House have truly appreciated the hard work Secretary Rumsfeld has put into transforming America’s military, turning it from a large, cumbersome force slowly bogging itself down in one war after another, to a lighter, faster, smaller, more flammable army capable of losing numerous conflicts simultaneously.
As Rumsfeld pointed out today to a group of sadly uninformed American troops, traditional concepts such as “armor” have become obsolete in today’s new and challenging world: "You can have all the armor in the world on a tank and a tank can be blown up. And you can have an up-armored Humvee and it can be blown up." The military of the future can’t afford to waste money armoring vehicles that can eventually be blown up, shot up, or gradually broken down by the steady process of natural erosion. That thinking belongs to Old Military – a disdainful, backwards approach to warfare that the United States must cast off in order to succeed across the globe. No, America must turn to the bold, fresh, emerging ideas of New Military, replacing bulky, expensive armor plating with lighter, more efficient designs: papier mache Humvees, chicken wire bombers carrying Styrofoam payloads, folded origami troop transports, and for heavy-duty combat, tanks made entirely of blown glass.
The advantages of such a revolution in military technology and logistics should be apparent to all: a faster, more flexible, lightweight military capable of winning wars fast and losing postwar-occupations even faster, allowing for speedy retreat and redeployment to another invasion. Indeed, with Donald Rumsfeld’s New Military, the United States could soon be losing up to three or four wars at once across the globe, failing at its objectives at a record pace. In these new and dangerous times, we can ask no less.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 6:05 PM
Monday, December 6, 2004
The Medium Lobster is proud to welcome another enlightened being, Richard Posner, into the world of internet discourse. Today Judge Posner favors readers with a discussion on preventive war, and how to justify such a war in the absence of any imminent threat:
But what if the danger of attack is remote rather than imminent? Should imminence be an absolute condition of going to war, and preventive war thus be deemed always and everywhere wrong? Analytically, the answer is no. A rational decision to go to war should be based on a comparison of the costs and benefits (in the largest sense of these terms) to the nation. The benefits are the costs that the enemy’s attack, the attack that going to war now will thwart, will impose on the nation. ...Ah, but why keep things in the abstract, Judge Posner? The Medium Lobster has a more concrete example to illustrate your point: a preventive attack on the moon.
Once again, the probability of an attack from the moon is less than one - indeed, it is miniscule. However, the potential offensive capabilities of a possible moon man invasion could be theoretically staggering. Indeed, there is a distinct, if remarkably slim, chance that a hostile moon man civilization is currently in possession of a Death Star capable of destroying Planet Earth in a single shot. The Medium Lobster has calculated this probability to be 5x10-9. Nevertheless, should this weapon exist and be used against the earth, the resulting costs would include the end of civilization, the extinction of the human race, the eradication of all terrestrial life, the physical obliteration of the planet, and the widespread pollution of the solar system with a mass of potentially radioactive space debris. The Medium Lobster conservatively values these costs at 3x1012, bringing the expected cost of the moon man attack on earth to 1500 (5x10-9 x 3x1012), a truly massive sum. Even after factoring in the cost of exhausting earth's nuclear stockpile and the ensuing rain of moon wreckage upon the earth (200 and 800, respectively), the numbers simply don't lie: our one rational course of action is to preventively annihilate the moon.
In the coming days there will be many discussions about strategy and tactics, about how large a coalition is necessary. But for anyone truly serious about planetary security, the question is how, not if. In the meantime, the Medium Lobster must appear before the United Nations Security Council and inform the member nations of the tiny but distinct possibility that Iran has been secretly harboring Galactus, Devourer of Worlds.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 5:01 PM
It's time for another edition of Fafblog's "Fafblog Economy Watch!", which will make I think our second edition of "Fafblog Economy Watch!" Our first edition was on the weak dollar and had some handy tips. Today we're gonna talk to you about the national debt!
The national debt has been gettin bigger an bigger lately which is always excitin! "But Fafnir" you say cause you say stuff "aren't big debts bad." No silly internet person! Big debts are good! Like the great plains an the Grand Canyon an the Big Sky Country an the unquenchable thirst for petroleum the debt is a great big thing that makes America big an special. It is the legacy that our ancient cowboy ancestors left for us when they founded this country by borrowin it from its fiscally-conservative indian inhabitants. In a way it is a national treasure, like in that movie "National Treasure," only here instead of bein a big thing of money it's a big hole where money used to be.
Lately the president's come up with some interesting new ideas to make the debt bigger like Social Security Reform, which involves takin out Social Security an replacin it with debt! It is all part of an interestin new plan to switch from a stuff-based economy to a debt-based economy! When you just spend the money you already have it gets used up real quick, an so does the stuff you spend it on like armies an social programs. But if you spend money you don't have you can just keep spendin an spendin, plus you get a debt that'll last way longer than any of the stuff you bought! It is an investment in the future. A future of debt.
"But Fafnir" you say because I cannot shut you up "I dont want a lotta debt." Well if you won't embrace fiscal catastrophe for yourself then do it for your children. Your children who will be denied the legacy of a healthy thriving monster debt. Your children who are the future, or at least who will staff the sub-minimum wage factories of the future. Maybe I'm ol fashioned but I think we oughta leave them a country that's just a little more hyperinflated than the one we found.
Well that's Fafblog Economy Watch! Next week we'll talk about how to trade your rooster for a cow!
posted by fafnir at 2:12 PM
National Review's The Corner says that it's "very cool" that lame duck reformist Iranian president Mohammed Khatami is getting heckled by students. Damn straight it is! It's SO COOL that the reform movement in Iran is so withered and dead that its last few leaders are impotent wraiths getting chewed out by college kids while radical clerics clamp down on the last few reins of government! It's TOTALLY AWESOME that basic freedoms are being rolled back by religious extremists while moderate muslims are completely powerless! ROCK ON, jihadist dudes!
posted by Giblets at 12:53 PM
Saturday, December 4, 2004
"Lightning crashes and thunder rolls and fire falls from the heavens and cows give birth to donkeys giving birth to elephants giving birth to three-headed Heidelberg men and it is all Giblets's now every single bit!" says Giblets.
"Could you make more monkeys?" says me. "Cause we're always runnin outta monkeys."
"Giblets could if he wanted to," says Giblets. "But monkeys ex nihilo are not worthy of Giblets! Giblets is a fearsome and terrible Giblets behold his power BEHOOOOLD!"
"I dunno," says me. "Guess you're PRETTY fearsome."
"Giblets has a thunderbolt," says Giblets. "Giblets wrested it from the gods and Giblets can use it to pierce the very firmament and bring the fire of heaven upon mortal men!"
"I got a yo-yo," says me. "I found it in one a the ol closets in the back an I can use it to do a shoot-the-moon!"
"Really?" says Giblets.
"Yeah it's pretty easy," says me. "What you do see is you get it spinnin like so."
"Fie upon yo-yos they are not worthy of Giblets!" says Giblets. "Bring unto Giblets the dazzling dancing lights of the celestial empyrean!"
The lights a the celestial empyrean dance around a bit. "Shiny!" says me.
"See that?" says Giblets. "Those guys don't do that for just anybody who eats the gods."
"The yo-yo glows in the dark," says me.
"Ooo! Lemme see!" says Giblets.
"You can make your own yo-yo yknow," says me.
"Giblets needs no insolent yo-yo!" says Giblets wavin the thunderbolt. "Giblets has the power of will and the will of power! An he's gonna make some thunder with it!"
Giblets makes thunder for a while. "Very sparkly!" says me. "Mmmm," says Giblets. I walk the dog.
"Giblets is bored!" says Giblets.
"You should get a hobby," says me. "Like knittin or croquet."
"Those hobbies are lame!" says Giblets. "Giblets needs to devour more stuff and bigger stuff! Like a mountain or a real big boat or supergods!"
"Supergods are too starchy for you," says me. "You'll fill right up after the first couple. Besides eatin that many gods in one day is bad for you, you'll get a stomachache."
"But Giblets craves more!" says Giblets. "What's the point a havin god-power if you can't use it to get bigger an better god-power!"
"You could use it grow grass an keep planets in motion an stuff like that," says me.
"Stupid! That sounds like work!" says Giblets.
"You could use it to make other gods," says me. "Like a god for midgets! I bet midgets could use a god cause yknow it's tough bein a midget."
"Midgets have it easy!" says Giblets. "They control Hollywood!"
"That's true," says me. "Midgets can get any job they want on TV playin other midgets."
"Nuts to this!" says Giblets tossin his thunderbolt. "Giblets is tired and his stomach aches and he's going home!"
"I'm keepin the yo-yo," says me.
Coupla weeks later we run outta monkeys an we feel real bad about everything.
Labels: true adventures
posted by fafnir at 10:01 AM
John McCain's jumped into the Major League Baseball Steroid Scandal by threatening to impose anti-steroid regulations on the league. Giblets can see that, because of the vital role steroid abuse plays in the drug war and the escalating crime rates that accompany it. The other day Giblets saw Barry Bonds knock over a seven-eleven to pay for human growth hormones.
Anyway, looks like it's now or never for Giblets to make a bleg.1 What's the best most effective steroid for, say, pumping up a professional sports team made entirely of genetically engineered cyborg superpigs? Cheapness is important; deliciousness is less important (although good to have). Thanks in advance.
UPDATE: Double bleg for constitutional scholars: If one were to create a baseball team of steroid cyborg superpigs and Congress passed regulations to ban steroid cyborg superpigs after the team had already been birthed, trained, and incorporated into the MLB, they couldn't dissolve the team then, right? Is that "ex post facto" law? Giblets is flyin' blind here.
ANOTHER UPDATE: Triple bleg: What's a good use for a buncha pigs that can throw a 250 mph fastball and bite an umpire in half with titanium incisors that you got just sorta lyin' around? Thanks again.
1. A bleg, for the filthy blog-illiterate rabble, is when you "beg" on a "blog."2
2. For information, not for presents or money. Giblets already does that.
posted by Giblets at 12:58 AM
Friday, December 3, 2004
You're in a desert, walking along in the sand, when you look down and see a tortoise.
This is standard procedure, designed and developed to protect you and the homeland. Do not be alarmed: you may be a terrorist.
Intent is immaterial. You may not remember when you became a terrorist, when you first dedicated yourself to the fiery destruction of the Great Satan of the West. You may not even be cognizant of it. But your everyday actions could be spurring along the downfall of civilization as we speak.
We must hunt down the jihadists and bring them to justice. But we must also hunt the elderly Swiss grandmother who has accidentally indirectly funded the jihadists. And we must hunt the dutiful Swiss son who funds the grandmother who funds the jihadists, and the company that employs the Swiss man who funds the grandmother who funds the jihadists. And this is only the tip of the iceberg. Who was that derelict you tossed your spare change at the other day? Who saw your "Buck Fush" bumper sticker last week? Is that piece of anti-American propaganda even now spreading like wildfire through the Muslim world, costing us in the battle for hearts and minds?
We need to know. For the good of the nation, for the good of humanity - we have to know.
Divorced from intent, a terrorist network is no longer limited to a collection of militant jihadists and their witting and willing benefactors. It is a vast and intricate web of agents, knowing and unknowing, whose actions benefit the cause of Terror. You may not think you're a terrorist, but your actions may be actions that can only belong to a terrorist. What have you been doing lately? What have you been saying? Who have you been saying it to? What have you been buying, selling, giving, wearing, eating? What have you been thinking? If your thoughts were a shape, would they be an American shape, or a terrorist shape?
Terror is not an ideology. It is an essence. We can detain you and isolate you from your Terror network for as long as possible until we can properly extract and control that essence, until it can be placed in mighty engines and turbines, where it will be converted into raw Freedom, which will power fantastic machines and subtle devices.
You may experience pain, dizziness, shortness of breath, rope burns, burnt genitalia, and strangulation. Do not be alarmed: this is normal. Your agony is admissible in court, where it, too, can be extracted, and converted into Justice. Only then can we protect your freedom from yourself.
You look down and see a tortoise. You reach over and flip it on its back. Is that tortoise you? Is that tortoise Terror? God help us all, is that tortoise America?
posted by the Medium Lobster at 6:13 PM
The sure-to-be-lamented Tom Ridge may be leaving us, but George Bush has already swept in with a bold replacement in Bernard Kerik, whose three months of counterterrorist work in New York City would seem to make him just the sort of war-weathered expert America needs to go head to head with the Islamists. But the Medium Lobster has reservations.
One "presidential adviser" has lauded Kerik's ability to "bring 9/11 symbolism into the Cabinet." Indeed, the Medium Lobster has long maintained that if there's anything this administration needs more of, it's empty symbolism. And while Kerik may have the experience to do the job - having bravely happening to have been New York City's police commissioner on September 11th, 2001 - is he truly qualified to summon the level of telegenic pomp and shallow pretense required to win the war on metaphors?
Instead of hiring someone whose chief qualification is to summon up stirring, patriotic imagery, the Bush administration should directly hire that imagery itself. The Medium Lobster would have suggested the three firefighters who raised the flag at ground zero, eternally bronzed and preserved in place, seeing that the obvious top pick for the job - the smoking remains of the World Trade Center itself - was said to have declined the post. But the Medium Lobster believes that the ground zero rubble is holding out hope for Secretary of Defense. The strategic and tactical brilliance of its tableau would be too potent to resist. But for the time being, party politics have elevated a man unqualified for the difficult burden of posing on a podium as a glorified prop.
The Bush White House is making progress on symbolism in other areas, however. By touting such recent appointments as Alberto Gonzales and Condoleeza Rice while opposing affirmative action and fighting to ban gay marriage rights, the administration has shown its strong dedication to symbolic diversity. In fact, the Medium Lobster understands that the Bush Administration plans to turn Dick Cheney hispanic for his second term in office. There's still plenty of hope for the utter annihilation of substance in the national discourse.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 1:49 PM
Wednesday, December 1, 2004
Giblets is frustrated! He just spent most of today going over potential ads to put on Fafblog*, but he had to reject almost all of them! Stupid ads!
The first ad used the phrase "God Loves Us All, Even Gays," which is totally unacceptable for Giblets's blogcast standards. I mean it implies that you should love gays. Giblets doesn't have a problem with free speech but Giblets tries to have his advertising avoid controversial national debates like the "loving gays/hating gays" issue, especially when the Executive Branch is on the opposite side.
The second ad showed a pink teddy bear above the logo "We Wuv Gumdwops!" Well do those gumdwops include gay gumdwops? The ad doesn't say! Come back to me with an ad that says "We Wuv All Gumdwops That Aren't Gay Gumdwops" and maybe we'll have something we can work with.
So far we've got a pending ad for "Things Is Here" (it used to read "Things Exist" but Giblets thought that was pushing it and talked them down a bit), but if the Executive Branch comes out with a different position on Things that one might have to go too. Oh, and we've got one that accuses Harry Reid of fathering an illegitimate black Osama bin Laden to get out of Vietnam, but that one's Kosher.
*There's a ton of money in blog ads, Giblets hears. Once Giblets gets a couple a' these puppies up he'll be rakin' in cash by the thimble.
posted by Giblets at 8:49 PM
Tonight is Tom Brokaw's last broadcast as the anchor of the NBC Nightly News, and as Lord and eMaster of the blogosphere Giblets commemorates this occasion by calling for the swift and utter annihilation of Brian Williams.
Yes, the disgusting Brian Williams, whose effete liberal elitism sets him against everything this great country stands for, and whose servitude to right-wing corporate paymasters ensures that he will continue to suck up to their corporatist lackeys in the Republican Party! His entire future run as anchor of the Nightly News is sure to be rife with personal affronts to the entire population of the People's Republic of Netlandia!
And so Giblets vows to spend no less than one post every week seeking Brian Williams's destruction, from now until his bloody head is staked upon the gate of Giblets's castle as a warning to future media personalities to strictly adhere to Giblets's vaguely-screwball definition of journalistic ethics! And you, my legions of blog-bearing Gibletsians, will join me in the hunt!
Here! Look here at this gold doubloon, this ounce of Spanish gold! Giblets has nailed it to his monitor. Whoever first posts about Brian Williams on the night we harpoon him - or drive him to premature retirement, whatever's easier - can claim it as a reward. To me, Daily Howler! To me, National Review's The Corner! Blood we seek and blood we shall have!
posted by Giblets at 6:18 PM
Yknow science hasn't been real popular lately. What with Congress cuttin the National Science Foundation budget an nobody believin in evolution anymore an the president not carin about global warming, maybe it's time we switched to a New Science that everyone will like better!
FAFBLOG PRESENTS: NEW SCIENCE! New Science is way better than borin ol Old Science! With Old Science you hadda putter around lookin for facts an evidence to back up hypotheses, an use the hypotheses to come up with a scientific theory. An when you get new evidence you gotta change everything all over again! Well not with New Science! With New Science you get to pick the conclusion an work backwards to the pick the right facts! It's quicker an easier an more efficient - you don't even have to leave your house! This is just a preview of what New Science can do for you:
Labels: super science
posted by fafnir at 3:56 PM