Friday, December 10, 2004

It's time for another edition of Recrimination 2004, in which the Medium Lobster peers through the swirling clouds of his crystal ball to help his friends in the Democratic Party understand exactly what cost them the presidency this year. In past editions we learned that the party's failure was the fault of gays, latinos, John Kerry, Karl Rove, and the rising of the moon in Gemini (Kerry, of course, is a Sagittarius). But this week the Medium Lobster lays the blame for Democratic defeat where it truly belongs: Michael Moore.

A commanding, political powerhouse since his emergence from the smoky backroom machinations of the Toronto Film Festival, Moore has dominated Democratic politics for over a decade, wielding the sheer power of his sporadic documentaries to bend the Democratic Party to the far left. His opposition to the war in Afghanistan caused a fractious rift in the Democratic party, swinging to his side such critical party leaders as Dennis Kucinich and that guy on Telegraph Ave with the "STOP NATO BEFORE IT KILLS AGAIN" sign, and his later radical antiwar stance on Iraq would tarnish the Democratic Party forever in the eyes of the shrinking minority that still views the invasion as legitimate. Indeed, Moore's pacifism tarred the Democratic Party so badly that John Kerry came dangerously close to being viewed as a clear and obvious alternative to George Bush's foreign policy. Fortunately, Kerry managed to dispel this myth in time with a series of muddled and poorly-worded policy statements.

Alas, Moore's prominence and power in the party - from his keynote address at the convention to his co-sponsorship of the much-derided Moore-Fonda Squishy Peacenik Act - would prove too much for Kerry, tainting the whole party as the kind of weak, sputtering pacifists who would never have the guts to invade the wrong country and bog the United States down in a massive quagmire of Vietnamese proportions. Together with, who virtually crippled Democrats by raising money and running television and print advertisements for them, Moore cast the whole of the Democratic Party in his leftist light... and in doing so, doomed it.

There's still hope. Democrats can "purge" these noxious influences within their party by loudly calling attention to them by nervously denouncing them as often as possible. Only then will the Democratic mainstream be able to firmly emulate its pro-war successes, like Joe Lieberman and Dick Gephardt.

Next week: Who could be responsible for the repeated failure of Democratic strategy... Democratic strategists, or mischievous gremlins? The Medium Lobster will tell you all about your fiendish pixie adversaries in just one week.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 4:59 PM



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