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Saturday, October 31, 2009
What are you doing sitting there! It's Halloween! Run out into the woods and go to Devil-Church! Labels: jollity
posted by fafnir at 3:18 PM
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Ho ho ho, Merrrrry Christmas! No it's not really Santa, boys an girls. It's me, Fafnir! I'm just wearin this Santa suit on accounta I'm gettin into the spirit a Christmas. Sure there's a Santa Claus, Little Jimmy! He's as real as you an me, and he watches all the good little boys and girls every day with his thousands of horrible insect eyes.
You see Santa lives in the North Pole where he crashed to earth thousands a years ago in the time before time, when the Jolly Ones walked the earth and stalked primitive man in the halls of the Jingle King. Now he sleeps beneath the frozen wastes waiting for the one time a year when the stars are right and he can rise from the ice to spread toys an goodies an Christmas cheer an feast on the brains of naughty children everywhere. Oh I'm sure he'll bring you that bike you asked for, Little Annie - as long as you believe. Every year around Christmastime Santa's little helpers set up thrones for Santa in thousands of Santa temples across the land so allll the children a the world can come an swear their allegiance to his jolly name. If you've been good he'll give you a candy cane! If you've been bad his unholy gaze will fill you with a burning madness that will consume you for the rest of your days. Oh don't cry Little Timmy! It's a real good candy cane. And that's where Christmas comes from! Hey, is that the magical sound a sleigh bells in the air? Run off to bed quick, kids! Santa's on his way, an you don't wanna be awake when he leaves you that toy truck under the Christmas tree, or opens the door to Y'thmagn'hm, who stands by the gate of madness and whose father is the creeping abyss that cannot die! Labels: jollity
posted by fafnir at 3:24 PM
Sunday, December 4, 2005
The other day Giblets was shopping for presents for his closest friends and vassals when an elderly mall greeter said "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas" forcing Giblets to beat him insensate with a vanilla-scented gift candle. Why must our relentlessly secular society attempt to obscure The Reason For The Season! Yes there are non-Christmas holidays but those are the sissy holidays. Christmas can beat up Hanukkah, Eid and Kwanzaa without breaking a sweat.
Christmas is a sacred, religious time - a season to commemorate the coming of our lord and savior Santa Claus. Every year Santa and his heraldic winged reindeer emerge from their manufacturing facilities in the frozen north to sell overpriced gadgets, processed snack foods, and proprietary game software to all the good little consumers of the world. It is his greatest gift to us: for Santa so loves the world that he exploits his overseas workforce, that whosoever would purchase his products would not pay exorbitant fees, but save on a fine selection of high quality goods every day. But you wouldn't know that from listening to secular culture and its war against Christmas, which clutters the public sphere with meaningless crap like mangers and Baby Jesii! The Budweiser Holiday Horses are spinning in their graves! Labels: jollity
posted by Giblets at 1:19 PM
Monday, November 28, 2005
"SKREEEEEEE-GREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNKK!"
"Well that's an interestin point," says me, "but personally I believe that Atilla the Hun supported a lotta policies that in retrospect reflect poorly on his qualities as both a leader and a person." "GREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOONK! EEERONK HRONK *FWOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH*!" "Well we agree to disagree," says me. Happy Holidays, everybody! Labels: jollity
posted by fafnir at 1:23 PM
Saturday, November 5, 2005
"All right!" says England. "What're you two doin there with that gunpowder!"
"Why sir I am offended by your implication," says me. "We were just collectin gunpowder for charity." "Yes very true," says Giblets. "Millions of children go without gunpowder to eat every day." "Well that sounds reasonable," says England. "But what's with stickin it under Parliament!" "Well Parliament has so much gunpowder to give," says me. "Yes, especially with all the gunpowder we stuck under it," says Giblets. "Everything seems to check out then," says England. "I'll just need your names and occupations for my report." "My name is Plausible Alias an this is my good friend Bomby McTreason," says me. "And we are violent regicidal conspirators," says Giblets. "No wait! I mean cookie merchants." "Everything checks out then," says England. "Carry on folks!" "Oh no!" says Parliament. "And that's how a bill becomes a law," says me. "Giblets is confused," says Giblets. Labels: jollity
posted by fafnir at 6:51 PM
Thursday, March 17, 2005
In strict observance of St. Patrick's Day I will be spending most of today making merry with The Little People, magical sprites from a wee bit a heaven that fell down t'earth an God called it Ireland. I have been told they could be midgets forcefully painted green by those aggressively celebrating the spirit of the holiday but I choose to believe in the magic of the Emerald Isle. I have also been told that it is rude to refer to midgets as midgets. The sensitive term is "beastlings" or "fairywinkles."
Labels: jollity
posted by fafnir at 8:59 AM
Monday, February 14, 2005
"Giblets is the enemy of love!" says Giblets with his anti-love arsenal. "He will hunt it and kill it and mount its head upon his wall!"
"I dunno Giblets," says me. "I'm thinkin maybe this doesn't have as much to do with love as it's got to do with you gettin dumped again by Noodles." "She will come crawling back to Giblets!" says Giblets. "She will come crawling back to Giblets NOOOOW!" "There's plenty a women in the sea," says me. "Like mermaids an naiads an squidladies." "Keep your half-octopus females to yourself!" says Giblets. "All they wanna do is digest Giblets and turn him into ink." "A good woman is like a fine cheese," says me. "Or a large hat. Or an aggrieved sasquatch. Or an elephant made outta trees an ropes an lotsa smaller elephants." "Giblets never wants to see another elephant again!" says Giblets. "He is done with them and their cheating hearts! He is burning all pianos!" "But you love the elephants," says me. "You can't live with em an you can't live without em." "Cause they tear out your liver an brains an replace em with the fungal herbs of the undead," says Giblets. "Women like zombies on accounta their drive," says me. "Zombies keep their eyes on the prize an the prize is eatin brains." "Yes very goal-oriented," says Giblets. "But what of the robots! With their laser-mounted death beams an their single-track extermination programming they sweep the ladies off their feet!" "In the battle a robots an zombies everybody loses," says me. "That's why all sides have to work together to end the robot-zombie arms race." "You talk madness, we need the robots to keep the zombies at bay!" says Giblets. "There's no goin back once the robot-zombie genie's outta the bottle!" "That kinda thinkin won't protect us from zombies or robots," says me. "It'll only lead to mutually assured zombification." "That's just a price we'll have to pay to win the war," says Giblets. "The war of love," says me. Labels: jollity
posted by fafnir at 11:19 AM
Thursday, December 16, 2004
"An then the Big Bad Antiochus Epiphanes came up to the SEVENTH little Maccabee's house, which was made a straw, an he said 'I'm gonna huff an I'm gonna puff an I'm gonna forcibly impose my cultural an religious norms on your house down!"
"Why didn't the little Maccabee just shoot im?" says Giblets. "Cause he didn't have the magic candles," says me. "The EIGHTH little Maccabee had those an he lived in a house made a cheese but now you're rushin the story." "This history lesson sounds suspiciously stupid!" says Giblets. "An besides why didn't you tell us about this yesterday while it was still Hanukkah?" "Because Hanukkah is not a time for rememberin the history of stuff," says me. "It's a time for celebratin the delightfully expressive ambience of stuff! It is the feeeeestival of lights! Woooooo lights." "It is the festival of lame!" says Giblets. "Enough of dreidels and chocolate coins and new socks! When does Giblets get to make a golem!" "I dunno Giblets that's really more of a Passover thing," says me. "Giblets needs his golem," says Giblets. "Giblets needs his earth-wrought unstoppable engine of destruction now!" "Okay," says me. "But you have to play nice with it." For those of you playin at home here's how YOU can make a golem! First make a big thing outta clay an earth which is but a shadow of the true glory that is divine creation. Then write the hidden name of God on its forehead an pronounce the secret invocation: I had a little golem, I made it out of clay And when it's dried and ready, Prague armies it will slay. Golem, golem, golem, I made you out of clay. Golem, golem, golem, with golem I will play. Labels: jollity
posted by fafnir at 10:23 AM
Thursday, November 25, 2004
"I'm thankful for this food," says me, "and for the Indians who taught us to grow turkeys by plantin fish in the soil."
"True," says Giblets. "The life cycle of the agrarian turkey plant was a veritable Gordian Knot which only native ingenuity could unravel." "What are you thankful for, Giblets?" says me. "Giblets is thankful for this food," says Giblets, "which is a testament to the dominance of our hunter-warrior spirits over the contents of our local supermarket." "I'm thankful for pigs," says me, "and the concept of pigs. I feel pigs and their contributions have gone largely unappreciated in our culture." "Giblets is thankful for Coke," says Giblets. "Giblets didn't choose you, Coke. Coke chose Giblets." "I'm thankful for the robots," says me, "an for not knowin about the robots." "Giblets is thankful for freedom," says Giblets, "and the memory of freedom. It was a delicious beverage." "I'm thankful for the moon," says me. "It'll take us a while to ruin the moon." "Giblets is thankful for an unspoiled moon to ruin," says Giblets. "I'm thankful for the future," says me, "an the possibility that it will not be the present." "The future will be Fafnir's and Giblets's!" says Giblets. "Unless the robots get there first." "We will have to run faster," says me. "Agreed," says Giblets, and we begin. Labels: jollity
posted by fafnir at 1:20 PM
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