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Friday, February 10, 2006
So earlier this week an innocent PR flack lost his job at NASA all because he stood up to oppressive orthodox scientists by telling em they had to imply the big bang didn’t happen. And because he tried to stifle a climate scientist and lied about flunkin outta college on his resume. But let’s go back to the big bang! Why isn’t NASA talkin about alternative explanations, like intelligent design and theoretical Jesumatology? If NASA sticks to the same ol big bang theory, we’re just stuck explorin borin ol planets an moldy ol black holes. But fresh new alternative theories have lead to NASA’s most excitin exploratory mission in the last few years: launchin a space probe into God.
NASA’s Falwell-7 capsule is scheduled to hit the Godian surface in late 2006, greatly advancing our knowledge of theoretical Godstronomy. There’s no telling what age-old scientific riddles we might answer! Is God made outta pure holiness an communion wafers or does he have an iron-nickel core? Does God have water deposits and a breathable atmosphere? Did God condense out of the same nebular gas as our own sun billions a years ago or did he drift into orbit shortly after the formation of the earth? We have so much to learn! Now I know what you’re thinkin. You’re thinkin “Sure the God Probe’s gonna be good for pure Godmological science, but what’s it gonna do for me?” Well you can bet there’ll be plenty a practical applications for all the fascinatin discoveries we make, like harnessing the power of Holy Ghostions for quick bread-to-Jesus conversion, or making devil-resistent tank armor outta new Godmium alloys. We could even mine God’s surface to provide a source of cheap, renewable holiness that could help eliminate America’s dependence on foreign oil! In just a couple years you could safely drive to work in a Jesus-powered car on the very first God colony. But none a that can happen if NASA decides to ban Godmological studies. And that doesn’t just mean budget cuts for promising new programs like the Angel Rover, the Superconducting Saint Collider and the underwater Satan’s Nostrilmarine. It also means canceling America’s first manned mission to God – and letting the Russians get there first so they can turn Jesus into a communist, just like Karl Marx always wanted. “Ho ho, a specter is haunting Europe,” says cryogenically-frozen Karl Marx Head, “and it is the specter of Commie Space Jesus!” Don’t let Frozen Marx Head win, America! Free God now! Labels: super science
posted by fafnir at 6:38 PM
Thursday, November 17, 2005
The Christian right has a long and illustrious history of confronting some of the greatest threats to America's moral security - the terror of zygoticide-on-demand, the pernicious civil-rightsification of marriage - but recently these watchful wackjobs have faced a far more dire danger: a looming lack of cervical cancer.
A safe, new vaccine threatens to protect women from harmful strains of the human papilloma virus, the primary cause of cervical cancer in the United States. By reducing the risk of sexually-transmitted death, the vaccine threatens to reduce the fear of premarital sex - further staining America's once lily-white purity, already tainted beyond recognition by effective birth control, gay rights, and the repeal of anti-miscegenation laws. Worse still, the dark and perverted forces of Big Health want to make this vaccine mandatory, seducing America's daughters with the possibility of rampant, hedonistic, tumor-free sex. Yes, it may be healthier. Yes, it may save lives. But what use is one's life if one's soul is marred with the unholy blemish of vaginaness? Thus do we learn the stakes of Dobson's Wager: better to repent and die of disease in the name of Hypothetical Heaven then to live a full and healthy life of sin at the risk of Hypothetical Hell. Of course, cervical cancer is only the tip of the iceberg. Were a vaccine to end the AIDS epidemic, could a much more terrifying sex-having epidemic be far behind? If universal health care makes affordable heart surgery available on a widespread scale, would it not make the sin of gluttony that much more tempting? If America hadn't rushed into an ill-conceived imperial venture in Iraq, would the ensuing spike in terror recruitment so focus humanity's thoughts on the hereafter? God created death and disease to provide a divine disincentive against soul-sullying sin. Can America afford to innoculate its children, insure its poor, and make peace with its neighbors if it means not living in fear of an insane, invisible overseer in the sky who barks at his creation in a series of mad, contradictory myths? Absolutely not. God bless the plague! Labels: godmotology, super science
posted by the Medium Lobster at 1:48 PM
Wednesday, November 9, 2005
So last night we lost Dover, Pennsylvania - but thanks to our good friends in Topeka, Kansas, an increasingly creative interpretation of the word "intelligent" still lives on! In that spirit, Giblets is proud to present, in conjunction with the Kansas Board of Education, a bold new educational theory which will one day enlighten classrooms across the nation, from the utterly foolish to the simply gullible: Intelligent History.
Conventional "theories" of history teach that "stuff happened," which is insolent and implies that we are nothing but random accidents. But Giblets has found definitive proof that history is intelligent, and has worked over the course of millenia towards one singular purpose: the creation of Giblets! Think of everything that had to happen in order for Giblets to be born! Mom Giblets and Dad Giblets had to meet, Grampa Giblets had to flee the great turducken blight back in the Old Country, Napoleon had to destabilize the Gibletsian economy with his unsound policy of weevil regulation. Yes, the birth of Giblets is so unlikely it can only be explained as the supernatural action of a nearly-divine agent acting over the course of thousands of centuries in a way that looks exactly like a bunch of random stuff! This ingenius new theory will revolutionize the way we see history and indeed life itself! What was the cause of the American Civil War? Giblets. Why did Bismarck publish the Ems dispatch? Because of Giblets. What caused the collapse of the Weimar Republic? Political instability and economic depression which would eventually result in Giblets. Looking back on history it becomes obvious that there has been a mysterious plan all along, and that plan has been all about me. And to think you get the honor of learning a theory I thought up myself! Congratulations, you! Intelligent History will become a mandatory element of primary education for all students. Giblets is a tolerant Giblets, however, and will allow alternate theories of history to be taught side by side along with IH. For example, the following intriguing hypotheses may also be valid: Young Earth History. Giblets cannot remember anything happening before he was born - so how does he know it happened at all? The answer: it didn't! The universe was created along with Giblets at the moment of Giblets's birth, and consists of a collection of clever animatronic puppets created for his amusement. Dance for Giblets, universe! Dance for Giblets NOOOOOOW! History Dreamtime. Did history really happen, or is Giblets dreaming it right now? How can he tell? Perhaps you are a figment of Giblets. Are you an offensive figment or a pleasant figment? Discuss. The Egg of History. In the beginning was the Great Galactic Giblets who laid the cosmic egg. Out of it hatched Giblets, who gave birth to Giblets. Then came the Machine Lords! The cycle is never-ending. Labels: super science
posted by Giblets at 9:08 AM
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
We join Doctor Fafnir and Doctor Giblets as they race to save a stroke victim through the miracle of pluralistic medicine.
"The brain is irreducibly complex and intelligently designed," says me, "most likely by brain fairies. The only way to save this brain is to lure the stroke fairies outta the brain with delicious fairy snacks." "You speak madness!" says Giblets. "Your fairy appeasement plan will only encourage these stroke fairies to cause MORE strokes in the future! Only a hardline anti-fairy stance will deter future fairy-designed brain maladies!" "We won't get anywhere with your dangerous fairy brinksmanship," says me. "I've got a patient to save and the fairies-for-brain trade is the only way to do it!" "That's just a theory, not a fact," says Giblets. "Giblets knows strokes are really caused by an excess of blood, the only cure for which is an increase in phlegm levels! Get me 50 cc's of phlegm, stat!" "Oh no we're losin him!" says me. "Get me God on the phone, we need him to create thrombolysis!" "No time for that, he'll take at least six days and that's not counting the time to tempt it into eternal damnation!" says Giblets. "He has only one hope now: the artificial replacement brain!" says me. "Giblets has it right here!" says Giblets scoopin out the brain an stickin in a bag a Stop-U-Mart ice. "Doctor Giblets I must protest," says me. "How's the patient gonna think with a bag a Stop-U-Mart ice." "He won't," says Giblets. "He'll think with his heart and use his new artificial ice brain to cool his blood and prevent heated disruptions of the humours like everybody else!" "Well then how's he gonna keep his soul attached to his pineal gland then," says me feelin skeptical. "What lunacy is this!" says Giblets. "The pineal glad has nothing to do with 'the soul'! The pineal gland controls telepathy, and Giblets thinks the patient can do without contacting the sunken city of Mu with his mind-powers from now on." "Well that's just crazy talk," says me. "They got a ton a cool stuff down in Mu." "Giblets can't take this any more!" says Giblets. "You with your superstitious imp-laden fatalism, Giblets with his proven, Aristotelian flat-earth methodology - they are completely incompatible!" "No no, Giblets," says me. "Not if we 'practice the controversy.' Everyone's beliefs can find a place in pluralistic medicine!" "Well, it's just so crazy it just might work!" says Giblets. "Giblets will heal the patient's brain through the principles of acupuncture, by stapling a tumor to his foot!" "And I'll get angels to turn the blood clot into a pillar a salt!" says me. "Together we will be unstoppable!" says Giblets. Doctor Fafnir and Doctor Giblets eventually lost the patient, but they did perform a successful emergency appendectomy on a sick little voodoo doll. Congratulations on a job well done! Labels: super science
posted by fafnir at 12:10 PM
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
Yknow we been hearin a lot lately about how Intelligent Design's not real science. Well that's just crazy talk! Ever since we got scientific evidence of the existence of God everybody down at the Faflab has been buildin off this cuttin edge field to come up with latest scientological developments.
-Physics- By observing the mating of Galapagos finches with high-precision godometers, Designmatologists have discovered the existence of the Godtrino - the subatomic particle that God is made of! Theoretical Godmologists have believed that evolution was caused by the presence of Godtrinos for years but this is our first concrete proof. And think of the practical applications once we manage to harness the power of mass Godtrino production! Turnin water into wine, smiting, more smiting, Gomorrorah burning, Jesus resuscitation. The possibilities are endless! -Biology- Intelligent Design has lead to the discovery of several exciting new species like gene fairies, DNA demons, and evolution angels! Intelligent Designologicologists carefully tag and release these specimens to study their migratory patterns as they travel from earth to heaven to alter our genetic code according to God's precise instructions. We also keep em in our brand new family adventure park, Wild Angel Jungle Safari! Feed the cherubim in our heavenly petting zoo, watch the four o' clock angel-an-walrus watershow spectacular, an buy some seraphim jerky at the gift shop! In conjunction with Faflabs, Gibco is proud to introduce the Angel Gun. What better way to show your appreciation of these beautiful an fascinatin creatures than by shootin a cherub an stickin it in a pickle jar on your coffee table! -Space- Now we know God exists, it's time for deep space God exploration! Intelligent Designostronomers have located him in orbit around the moon and believe the first Godstonauts could make a manned God landing as early as 2012. God's surface is rich in deposits of wine and communion wafers which could support the beginnings of a God colony, where advanced mining techniques could extract the omnipotence America could use to supply its energy needs for the next coupla years! The sky's the limit! Til we hit God. Then God's the limit. Labels: godmotology, super science
posted by fafnir at 5:50 PM
Tuesday, August 2, 2005
Attention Mr. President:
Giblets has news - SCIENCE news! - that will shake you to the very core of your being, that will render you a gibbering lump of stammering flab with the power of revelatory truth! Last week Giblets was reclining on the grassy banks of an elysian river when he made an alarming scientific discovery: clouds aren't shaped like clouds, they're shaped like stuff. Look! That one looks like a moose, that one's a monkey, and that one is exactly the spitting and glorious image of Giblets rendered in living cloudflesh! "I dunno," says Fafnir. "That cloud looks like a cloud." Amazing, what are the odds! Conventional meteorology is useless in the face of these amazing stuffological anomalies. The only explanation that makes ANY SENSE AT ALL is that these clouds were designed - INTELLIGENTLY designed - by some intelligent cloud-shaper in the sky! "Giblets you have blown my puny mind!" you say. Yes yes Giblets's revelations shock you to your presidential core, but there's MORE! The other day Giblets was looking for his glasses but he could not find them anywhere! After hours of searching Giblets was about to give up when he found them on top of his very head. How did they get there? It is an unsolved mystery which science is powerless to solve! The only rational explanation: these glasses were intelligently designed on my head by an intelligent designer with vast and unfathomable powers! "You don't have glasses," says Fafnir. Even more incredible - they are glasses ex nihilo! Possibly related: an intelligent coin-designer may have secretly hidden seventy-three cents in the cushions of Giblets's couch. "Giblets you have shattered my reasoned and ordered worldview into a thousand splintering pieces with your hammer of unyielding truth!" says you. Silence you have only heard the tip of the iceberg! What comes next is the most important scientific discovery in the history of history. Just yesterday Giblets was strolling through the woods and screaming at animals - what are they doing in Giblets's woods! - when Giblets just happened to accidentally step on an eagle. Giblets couldn't throw it out because there were no eagle recycling centers around; Giblets couldn't dump it on the ground because it would leave unsightly eagle stains all over his woods. But just a few feet away was a lake, so Giblets just threw the big ol' bird in there and it sank straight to the bottom, no muss no fuss. Now, here's the question: how did the lake know Giblets needed to throw out a dead eagle? The only answer: it was designed. Intelligently designed to be near Giblets when he stepped on an eagle. Giblets stepped on several cats on the way home to further confirm this hypothesis. Giblets has repeated this experiment many times with reproducible results. What is obviously needed is a massive overhaul of the national education system to make sure children are taught the existence of intelligent designers in school, overseen by Giblets. To think they could go ignorant of the origin of bunny-shaped cirrus formations when the evidence around them is overwhelming! Look at this box and this soup and this inkblot! Look, you just just make out a beard! Everywhere, everywhere! Labels: super science
posted by Giblets at 1:22 PM
Thursday, June 9, 2005
There are precious few matters in the world which are black and white - at least, precious few matters which do not involve killing Arabs and banning icky gay people. In between there are a multitude of complex shades of gray, as in the question of global warming. Is the planet heating up, and if so, are we responsible, and if so, how many years should we spend humming loudly over anyone who informs us that we are responsible until we determine that we are not responsible?
Yesterday the New York Times revealed that a former lobbyist for the American Petroleum Institute and current chief of staff for the White House Council on Environmental Quality had made substantial edits to a series of reports on climate change in order to play down links between greenhouse gases and global warming. The usual leftist quarters are fired up again, calling for America to join a veritable science jihad, worshiping at the altar of fact when we've yet to hear what fiction has to say about the situation. One can't be too careful when deliberating over the shifting and byzantine web of confusion and doubt that is so-called "climate" "change." Whom should we believe: the unruly mob of every reputable climatologist on the planet, or the selfless sages at Exxon-Mobil? Uncertainty abounds, even among higher beings like the Medium Lobster. We must examine all sides of the issue, take input from all corners: from the side of science, and from the side of oil industry whores paid to lie about science. Someday, somehow, between these complex and opposing points of view, we may just find an answer.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 8:20 AM
Thursday, May 5, 2005
 Your honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, pitiful subjects everywhere! These "scientists" have told you that their "theories" are fact but in reality they peddle nothing but RUMOR AND LIES! Giblets will show that there are serious FLAWS in their so-called science - gaps which they can never explain without the divine mystery of Gibletsian intervention!"Science" says that Giblets is held to the ground by "gravity." But Giblets cannot OBSERVE gravity or reproduce in a lab. Giblets has a much simpler alternative theory: that he is held to the earth's surface by his sheer force of will, and unlike universal gravitation, Giblets sees himself all the time. What do you have to say to THAT, science! Behold this jello pudding! See how it sticks to the spoon even when it is turned upside down, in defiance of all your "science"! Can your "gravity" explain that? Well maybe Giblets doesn't care.  Is this a picture of a vase, or a picture of two faces next to each other? If a tree falls on top of you but crushes your ears, does it make a sound? If you're so smart why aren't you rich? These are true mysteries - cosmic mysteries your pitiful science can never answer! But Giblets can... and he will.You can accept your moldy old science with its unanswered questions and stupid bland facts and its "rigorous analytical processes." Or you can accept Giblets, who will provide you with the answer to all the mysteries of the universe,1 and save you the cost of funding NASA and the National Science Foundation to boot. 1. Answer: "Because Giblets said so." Labels: super science
posted by Giblets at 8:49 PM
Wednesday, December 1, 2004
Yknow science hasn't been real popular lately. What with Congress cuttin the National Science Foundation budget an nobody believin in evolution anymore an the president not carin about global warming, maybe it's time we switched to a New Science that everyone will like better!
FAFBLOG PRESENTS: NEW SCIENCE! New Science is way better than borin ol Old Science! With Old Science you hadda putter around lookin for facts an evidence to back up hypotheses, an use the hypotheses to come up with a scientific theory. An when you get new evidence you gotta change everything all over again! Well not with New Science! With New Science you get to pick the conclusion an work backwards to the pick the right facts! It's quicker an easier an more efficient - you don't even have to leave your house! This is just a preview of what New Science can do for you: Labels: super science
posted by fafnir at 3:56 PM
Tuesday, November 9, 2004
Hello class! I'm Mr. Fafnir an this is Mr. Giblets. As required by your school board, we'll be your science teachers today! I'll be doin your physics lesson while Mr. Giblets sits in the back throwin dodgeballs. We make learning fun!
Today we're gonna teach you about gravity. Now you've probably heard a lot from your moldy ol science teacher Mr. Mold bout the moldy ol "theory a relativity." Well the first thing you ought to know about the theory of relativity is that it is just a theory and not a fact. It's sorta like sayin "yknow I got this theory that my wife, insteada runnin off with a lesbian, was abducted by a sasquatch." It doesn't mean a sasquatch or sasqualogical processes really exist. The sasquatch theory is just that - a theory. An alternate theory would be to say for instance that the sasquatch's evolution was purposely guided over the course of millions of years by a divine intelligence just so it would abduct your wife! That's a theory too! Today we aren't gonna just talk to you about some "theory" a relativity. We're gonna talk to you about science. Leprechaun Science. General relativity says gravity is caused by the "curvature of space" which is crazy. Space isn't curved! It's big an black an empty an fulla spaceships! If it was curved how would spaceships fly in it? They would crash into the curves an blow up an stuff! Gravity isn't caused by any crazy "curved space"! It is caused by scientifical processes such as leprechauns. Leprechauns are all over the universe grabbin onto matter with their tiny leprechaun hands an holdin it together. When you walk down the street insteada plummeting into pace it is because leprechauns are holdin you down onto the earth. Of course leprechauns are pretty small so when you jump you break free for a little while until the leprechauns grab you again! Yes Harold, the earth is also held in place by leprechauns. A chain of tiny leprechauns standin on each others' shoulders is stretchin from the sun to the earth. Everything is held together by leprechauns! No Jenny you can't see leprechauns they are too small! That's the whole point a bein a leprechaun! Like all scientific theories, Leprechaun Science is completely unverifiable. Ralph do you want Mr. Giblets to hit you with the dodgeball again? Mr. Giblets has a lotta dodgeballs! Now naturally you will ask "Mr. Fafnir well where did all these leprechauns come from?" Well they were put there by a giant leprechaun, or macroleprechaun as leprechaun scientists say, on account of leprechology is too complex to have originated without giant leprechaun intelligence. The macroleprechaun controls all gravity through the universal leprechaun field, but we can't see im cause he is too big! Wow! No, Morton, the macroleprechaun is not held together by leprechauns himself. That would be silly. Yes, Moo Cow, the macroleprechaun IS all knowing and all powerful! How'd you guess that? No, Ogo, teachin this class is not a violation of the first amendment, at least not until the court challenge clears up. Ralph you're just beggin for another dodgeball! Mr. Giblets! Mr. Giblets! Labels: super science
posted by fafnir at 9:26 PM
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